Friday humour - November 17, 2017

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NOTE - This is the last Friday Humour. 

We lost another editor during this week. For this and other reasons the remaining editors 
have decided to discontinue Friday Humour.

Friday Humour has been running for over 20 years and it has been 11 years since Tony passed.

It is time.

The web site will be maintained as it currently is. Contributions will no longer be accepted.

Thank you for your support over the years. It has been quite a ride. 
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From Burnout @ Bluehaze:

From: Anonymous3
Subject: People Posing With Sculptures.
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here

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From: Arfermo
Subject:  Stanley's demise. Very sad!!

Stanley, died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly. The morgue
needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best deer
hunting friends, Cooter and Gomer. The three men had always hunted and
fished together and were long time members of a hunting camp.
Cooter arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Cooter
said, "Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over."The
mortician rolled him over and Cooter said, "Nope, ain't Stanley."
The mortician thought this was rather strange, So he brought Gomer in to
confirm the identity of the body. Gomer looked at the body and said, "Yup,
he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over."The mortician rolled him over and
Gomer said, "No, it ain't Stanley ."
The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"Gomer said, well, Stanley had two
assholes.""What! He had two assholes?" asked the mortician."Yup, we never
seen 'em, but everybody used to say, There's Stanley with them two
assholes."
Cooter and Gomer are both now employed in the Federal Government. One is in
Ottawa as a Senator, and the other works for Revenue Canada.

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From: Burnout

Breaking news
Police are hunting the 'knitting needle nutter' who has stabbed 6 people.

They believe he could be following some kind of pattern

A super model is marrying the engineer from Thunderbirds but will keep her
surname.

She'll be known as Claudia Schiffer-Brains.

I went to the gym and asked the trainer, what kind of machine I should use
to make myself more attractive to women?

He said "Cash Machine"

Paddy was waiting at the bus stop with his mate when a lorry went by loaded
up with rolls of turf.
Paddy said, 'I gonna do that when I win the lottery.'
'What's dat?' says his mate.
'Send me lawn away to be cut.' says Paddy

A husband and wife were having dinner at a fine restaurant when an
absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the
husband a big kiss, tells him she'll see him later, and walks away.
His wife glares at him and says, "Who was that??!!"
"Oh," replies the husband, "that was my mistress."
The wife says, "That's it; I want a divorce."
"I understand," replies her husband, "but remember, if you get a divorce,
there will be no more shopping trips to Paris, Milan or Tokyo,
no wintering in the Caribbean, no Lexus in the garage, and no more country
club.
But... the decision is yours."
Just then the wife notices a mutual friend entering the restaurant with a
gorgeous woman on his arm.
"Who's that woman with Jim?" she asks.
"That's his mistress," replies her husband.
"Oh!!," says the wife, "... Ours is prettier."

When I left school I started working in a record shop.

A lady asked me if I had jingle bells on a 7inch?

I said, I got dangling balls on a 10inch, she said, is that a record?

I said, it's not bad for a fifteen year old!!

I entered a pun competition in my local paper.

I sent two lots of 5 entries and thought at least one would get published.

But no pun in ten did.

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From: Dianne
Subject: Lexophiles

This is a good one to start your day/week.
"Lexophile" is a word used to describe those that have a love for words,
such as "you can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish", or
"to write with a broken pencil is pointless."
A competition to see who can come up with the best lexophiles is held every
year in an undisclosed location.
Here are this year's winning submissions:

...
When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.

... A thief who stole
a calendar got twelve months.

... When the smog
lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A.

... The batteries
were given out free of charge.

... A dentist and a
manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.

... A will is a dead
giveaway.

... With her marriage,
she got a new name and a dress.

... A boiled egg is
hard to beat.

... When you've seen
one shopping center you've seen a mall.

... Police were
summoned to a daycare center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

... Did you hear about
the fellow whose entire left side was cut off? He's all right now.

... A bicycle can't
stand alone; it's just two tired.

... When a clock is
hungry it goes back four seconds.

... The guy who fell
onto an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.

... He had a
photographic memory which was never developed.

... When she saw her
first strands of grey hair she thought she'd dye.

... Acupuncture is a
jab well done. That's the point of it.

And
finally:

... Those who get too big for their britches will be totally exposed in the
end.

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From: Haz
Subject: Hospitals.

Two guys were lying in their hospital beds waiting to go to theatre.

One asked the other: "What are you in for?"

He answered: "An endoscopy"

"What's that?" the first one asked.

"They put a tube down your throat into your stomach to check for ulcers and
cancer. What are you in for?"

"A camera up my ass"

"Ah! That's a colonoscopy" said the first guy.

"No" said the other. "My wife caught me taking pictures of our next door
neighbour sunbaking in the nude".

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From: Seasoldier
Subject: Astute Observations

There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and dipshit's.

The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.

I live in my own little world, but it's OK. Everyone knows me here.

I saw a very large woman wearing a sweatshirt with "Guess" on it. I said,
"Left Tackle?

I don't do drugs. I find I get the same effect just by standing up really
fast.

I don't like political jokes. I've seen too many get elected.

The most precious thing we have is life, yet it has absolutely no trade-in
value.

Every day I beat my previous record of consecutive days I've stayed alive.

No one ever says, "It's only a game!" when their team's winning.

Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes and lottery
tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?

Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section
in a swimming pool?

Marriage changes passion . . . suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?

Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own
pants.

I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose fitting
clothing. If I HAD any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn't need the freakin'
class!

Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the
difference.

Wouldn't you know it!  Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells
live forever.

Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in
prison?

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Subject: Joke (kind of...?!)

At breakfast the man asked his wife " What would you do if I won the
lottery?"
She replied  " I would take half and leave you" .
Great! said the man here is $6.00. I won $12.00 yesterday. Stay in touch!

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From: Wally

Subject: Greyhound called Loceryl
Content:
Loceryl would have to be the most unluckiest greyhound, in the world. On
Saturday night, in a 400m race at Gawler, South Australia, in the home
straight, Loceryl was going up the challenge the leader Son of Helga, when
a flying duck, came out of nowhere, and knocked Loceryl down. He rolled a
few times, but finished the race unhurt, in last place, a long way from the
winner Son of Helga.
 Click here

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From: Whizzbang
Subject: The old age pension is not a privilege:

Nov 8, 2017 ” Nick Minchin on the Tony Jones ABC TV Program Q & A
11/09/2008 stated quite clearly that funds were not, have not and are not
collected and held in a bank account waiting for the government to pay it
out in the form of the Old Age Pension, or words that meant,
exactly that.

As an ex Australian Federal Government finance Minister, now shadow defence
minister, this man knows that his statement on that television program, was
a blatant lie (and he said it with a look of such sincerity on his face).

Well, it certainly was collected and it amassed such huge amounts that this
government and those preceding couldn’t help themselves. Without any
right, they plundered it and spent billions of it over the years.
This was money earned by the people themselves through hard work and often
deprivation (as a legislated obligation, part thereof was collected by the
Tax Department for this very purpose).

To this day this money is collected as a tax which originally,
specifically, and intentionally was to fund, “the Aged
Pension.”

To dispel misinformation from Party Politicians and their spin doctors,
here are some historical facts that every Australian (especially the young
who are under the miss-guided belief and/or assumption that they are
funding the Aged Pension from their current hard work) should know.
The young are in fact funding their own Pension Fund and to add insult to
injury they are forced to pay into a super fund.

1939 - 1945
World War II

1942 - 1943
As a Wartime measure, the Federal Government gained sole control over
Australian Income Tax. Labor Prime minister (Ben Chifley) introduced three
bills to establish the National Welfare Fund, to be financed by a
Compulsory Contribution (levy) of one and sixpence in the Pound (20/-) on
all personal income.

Opposition Leader (Robert Menzies) stated that the Compulsory
Contribution (levy) should be kept completely separate from other
government income streams, that it should be shown separately on the
Taxation Assessment and paid straight into a “TRUST” account,
and not mixed with the General Revenue.
Menzies said “The stigma of charity should be removed from the Age
Pension.” and that “It should be an entitlement earned by the
person’s personal contribution to the fund.”
Prime Minister Chifley agreed and established The National Welfare fund as
at 1/1/1946.

A Trust Fund with the Parliament as Trustee. The Compulsory
Contributions (levy) commenced as at 1st January 1946. It was shown
separately on the personal Tax
Assessments for 1946, 1947, 1948, 1949 and 1950 and the compulsory levy was
properly paid straight into the Special Trust fund and Welfare claims were
paid out of the fund.
The balance in the fund in 1950 was almost 100 million pounds.

1949
Robert Menzies became Prime Minister and he introduced Bills to amend the
acts governing the National Welfare Funds.

The Compulsory Contributions (levy) was then grouped with the Taxation
Assessment and appeared as one amount on the Taxation assessments and was
paid as one amount straight into the Consolidated Revenue Account.
The sabotage of the National Welfare Fund had commenced.

The Opposition Labor Party had collaborated in this sabotage by remaining
silent instead of opposing Menzies’ action.

1951 - 1985
The compulsory levy of 7.5% now included in the tax continued to be
collected and placed in the Consolidated Revenue Account treated as
General Revenue and spent, until 1985.

1974 - 1975
Labor Prime Minister (Gough Whitlam) abolished income test for all persons
70 years of age and over and paid pensions to all people over that age.

1975
Liberal Prime Minister (Malcolm Fraser) cancelled the Whitlam legislation.

1977
Liberal Prime Minister (Malcolm Fraser with Treasurer Philip Lynch)
transferred the balance in the Welfare Fund Account (approximately
$470,000,000) to Consolidated Revenue Account.

1985
Australian Labor Government repealed acts No. 39, 40 and 41 of 1945 (The
National Welfare Fund Acts). Thus the funds finally ceased to exist yet the
7.5% levy continued to be collected as a proportion of the Income
Tax revenue. It also introduced the (much maligned) Income and Asset
Tests, thereby excluding millions of levy and tax paying Australians from
receiving Social Services Pensions.
This money these self funded contributions paid as a percentage of the
total income tax collections are today worth far more than the amount of
means tested pensions paid out.

Actuaries have calculated the non-means tested entitlement due to each
retiree, today is in excess of $500 per week.

This surely debunks the politician claim that the generation are paying a
proportion of their current taxes to cover the payments made to pensioners.
The obvious short fall has been swallowed by the
Government’s Taxation black hole.

The historical summary above highlights the fact that politicians of
opposing political parties each contributed to the agenda to destroy the
entitlement as it was intended. Why? They had no mandate to do so, it
clearly was not and is not the will of the people.

While Party Politicians on both sides are controlled by a few people who
are hidden from public view yet are open to manipulation and outright
corruption, there can be no certainty of the payment of pensions.

Only a majority of truly Independent representatives can bring about a
change from Government under corporate control, to Government for the
People, of the People, by the People.

Just because a cabal of political miscreants become so greedy that they
change the way a tax looks in the Ledgers, IN NO WAY REMOVES THE FACT
THAT THIS TAX IS STILL COLLECTED TO THIS DAY TO PROVIDE FOR THE SUPPLY
AND CONTINUATION OF THE OLD AGE PENSION - A STIPEND TO THE ELDERLY
CITIZENS OF THIS COUNTRY WHO HAVE WORKED FOR DECADES OF THEIR LIVES TO
BUILD A NATION AND HAVE FROM WORKING DAY ONE OF THEIR LIVES, BEEN PAYING 7%
PLUS OF THEIR TAXES DIRECTLY TOWARDS THIS PENSION.

The old age pension is not a privilege:
Is not a right.
Is not a gift.
Is not even welfare.

The Old Age Pension is an asset owned and accrued by each Australian
Citizen who has funded this asset from their very own purse.

The governments of the day were employed to amass, secure, invest and
manage a fund that in its first 5 years bulged to almost £100,000,000,
an amount that today would be worth approximately $240 million.

They did amass, secure, invest and manage - and the figures were colossal
and frightening to them and hence they conspired to hide them back into the
consolidated Revenue bucket and to this day, that bucket has been brimming
with a 7.5% tax collected specifically and only, for the Old Age Pension.

No, young Australians, you are not paying for the welfare of Baby boomers,
you are paying for yourselves, new immigrants, the needy in society
requiring social services and welfare, dole recipients and the bludgers,
BUT YOU ARE NOT PAYING FOR THE OLD AGE PENSION OF ELDERLY
AUSTRALIANS WHO HAVE WORKED ALL THEIR LIVES IN THIS COUNTRY AND PAID
THEIR FAIR SHARE OF TAXES.

Courtesy of
Albert Caine

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From: Arfermo
Subject: Trump again - unfortunately

During a lull over a recent dinner, Melania Trump leaned over to chat with
the Secretary of  State, Rex Tillerson. "You know, I bought Donald a parrot
for his birthday in June. That bird is so smart, Donald has already taught
him to say over two hundred words!"

"Wow, that's pretty impressive," said Tillerson, "but, you do realize that
he just speaks the words, ...he doesn't really understand what they
mean.”

"Oh, I know," replied Melania, .........."neither does the parrot."

Subject: The Coach - Priceless

At one point during a game, the coach called one of his
9-year-old baseball players aside And asked,
"Do you understand what co-operation is? What a team is?"
"Yes, coach", replied the little boy."
Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together as a
team?"
The little boy nodded in the affirmative.
"So," the coach continued, "I'm sure you know, when an out is called, you
shouldn't argue, curse,
attack the umpire, or call him an asshole.
Do you understand all that?"
Again, the little boy nodded in the affirmative.
The coach continued, "And when I take you out of the game so that another
boy gets a chance to play,
it's not a dumb ass decision or that the coach is a shithead, is it?"
"No, coach."
"Good", said the coach.
"Now go over there and explain all that to your grandmother.

Subject: Re: Brief History of the United States
 Click here

Says it all! So unkind to our dear world leader. Only the equally deranged
seem to love him. Sad!! Can I tweet this?

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From: Duke of Barsinov
Subject: A Real Miracle.....From WWII.................
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here

What an amazing story.and it WAS the Greatest Generation. Sent to me by a
Navy high school friend. Â have seen before, but completely beyond
belief........the force was with them....A Real Miracle.....From
WWII................. Members all of the Greatest Generation.

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From: Haz
Subject: I before e except after C
 Click here

Subject: Halloween
 Click here

Subject: What a great idea...
 Click here

Subject: It's always great to read a well written police report!
 Click here

Subject: Skills of U.S. President's Limo Driver...
 Click here
[shame it's CGI]

Subject: cold on the golf course.-H

The Swede's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her
ball,
a gust of  wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.

'Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any skivvies?', Ole demanded
Well She said,you don’t give me enough housekeeping money to afford any.
The Swede immediately reaches into his pocket and says, ‘For the sake
of decency here’s 50 quid,
Go and buy yourself some underwear
'

Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt
also blows up to show that she,too, is wearing no undies.

'Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers Why not?'

She replies, 'I can't afford any on the money you give me.'

Patrick reaches into his pocket and says, 'For the sake of decency, here's 
20 quid. Go and buy yourself some underwear"!

Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over
her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it.

'Sweet mudder of Jaysus, Aggie! Where at friggin hell are yer drawers?'

She too explains, 'You dinna give me enough money at be able at affarrd
any.'

The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, 'Well, fer the love 'o
decency, here's a comb.... Tidy yerself up a bit.'

Subject: Northerner Terrorises London.
 Click here

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From: Seasoldier
Subject: British humour

Charles and the Hooker

Prince Charles decided to take up walking every day. At the same street
corner he passed a hooker standing there every day.
He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what was almost
certain to follow.

"One hundred and fifty pounds!" she'd shout.

"No! Five pounds!" He said from the side of his mouth, just to shut her up.

This ritual between him and the hooker became a daily occurrence.

She'd yell, "One hundred and fifty pounds!"

He'd yell back, "Five pounds!"

One day, Camilla decided to accompany her husband.

As the couple neared the hooker's corner, Prince Charles realised she'd
bark her £150 offer and Camilla would wonder what he'd really been doing
on all his past outings.
He figured he'd better have a good explanation for his wife.
As they neared the hookers corner he became even more apprehensive than
usual.

Sure enough, there she stood. He tried to avoid eye contact as she watched
the pair pass.

Then, the hooker yelled:

"See what you get for five pounds.

Subject: Great Comebacks
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

NUMBER 1:
If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp
as this policeman.  He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney
during a felony trial.  The lawyer was trying to undermine the police
officer's credibility.

Q:  'Officer - did you see my client fleeing the scene ?'
A:  'No, sir.   But I subsequently observed a person matching the
description of the offender, running several blocks away.'
Q:  'Officer, who provided this description ?'
A:  'The officer who responded to the scene.'
Q:  'A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. 
Do you trust your fellow officers?'
A:  'Yes, sir.   With my life.'
Q:  'With your life ?   Let me ask you this then, officer.  Do you have a
room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?'
A:  'Yes sir, we do !'
Q:  'And do you have a locker in the room?'
A:  'Yes, sir, I do.'
Q:  'And do you have a lock on your locker?'
A:  'Yes, sir.'
Q:  'Now, why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your
life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with
these same officers?'
A:  'You see, sir, we share the building with the court complex, and
sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.'
The courtroom EXPLODED with laughter, and a prompt recess was called.

NUMBER 2:   Now We Know Why He Was a General -
In an interview, General Norman Schwarzkopf was asked if he thought there
was room for forgiveness toward the people who have harbored and abetted
the terrorists who perpetrated the 9/11 attacks on America.

His answer was classic Schwarzkopf.

The General said,  "I believe that forgiving them is God's function . . .
OUR job is to arrange the meeting."

NUMBER 3:
Dana Perino (FOX News) describing an interview she recently had with a Navy
SEAL.   After discussing all the countries that he had been sent to, she
asked if they had to learn several languages?
"Oh, no ma'am.  We don't go there to talk."

NUMBER 4:  Conversation overheard on the VHF Guard (emergency) frequency
121.5 MHz while flying from Europe to Dubai.
Iranian Air Defense Site:  'Unknown aircraft, you are in Iranian airspace. 
Identify yourself.'
Aircraft:  'This is a United States aircraft.   I am in Iraqi airspace.'
Air Defense Site:  'You are in Iranian airspace.  If you do not depart our
airspace, we will launch interceptor aircraft !'
Aircraft:  'This is a United States Marine Corps FA-18 Fighter.  Send 'em
up, I'll wait !'
Air Defense Site: ( . . Total silence.)

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From: Wally
Subject: Lip Balm Test
 Click here

Subject: 6 X Odds & Sods
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

Subject: How to catch a Spider in Australia
 Click here

How to catch a spider in Australia.

Subject: Australia Post & Defence Force
File links:
 Click here Click here Click here

Originally this advertisement was created to appear in a defence force
magazine, to highlight the role that Australia Post plays in keeping
defence personnel posted Overseas, in contact with loved ones. However it
was so well received that Australia Post decided to run it in other
magazines, in the lead up to Valentines' Day. It proved so popular in
showcasing print as an advertising medium, that one publication even re-ran
the ad for free. Yet more positive feedback emerged from these additional
insertions, and a second concept was developed to coincide with Mother's
Day.

Subject: Got Him
 Click here
Listen closely, she got him in the end. Oldie, but a Goodie

Subject: I'll have what he's having!
 Click here
Even though this is in German I think you'll get the gist what the customer
is saying.

Subject: Kurakoran Highway
 Click here
This is a 1300 km  Kurakoran Highway, passing from Pakistan to China, now
recognised as the 8th wonder of the world.

Subject: The Laws of the Internet
 Click here

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From: Whizzbang
Subject: Visit Grandma
 Click here

Subject: how to park a boat
 Click here

Subject: Lightning
 Click here

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From: Burnout
Subject: Revenge.
Husband and wife had a tiff. Wife called up her mum and said, "He fought
with me again,

I am coming to live with you."

Mum said, "No darling, he must pay for his mistake. I am coming to live
with you."

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“With self discipline, almost anything is possible.”
  - Theodore Roosevelt.

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[ End friday humour ]

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