Friday humour - November 10, 2017



This week's dynamic Friday Humour comes to you from: Whizzbang, Wally,
Seasoldier, IronHead, Haz, Havarum, GROPWO, Duke of Barsinov, Burnout,
Billy Bunter of Adelaide, and Anonymous3.

"If you surround yourself with clowns, don't be surprised when your life
resembles a circus."

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Each year in February, the

sun's angle is such that  Horsetail Falls waterfall lights up
like fire. Yosemite, USA
 Click here

Houseboat, Iceland.
 Click here

Panda, scared after the earthquake in  Japan, embraced the leg of a policeman.
 Click here

Kalapana, Hawaii where the sea meets the lava.
 Click here

Beijing Airport by night.
 Click here

Two year-old Chimpanzee feedingmilk  to "Aorn", a small tiger 60 days old.
 Click here

Ducks tend to continue throughout life to be seen in birth order, whether 
or not by their mother.
 Click here

Highway in Japan with snow more than 10 meters high.
Unbelievable.
 Click here

Spectacular rice fields in China.
 Click here

Austria's Green Lake is a beautiful park in winter. The snow melts in
summer and creates a very clear lake.
 Click here

Undersea tunnel linking Sweden and Denmark.
 Click here

The world's highest swimming pool is located  in the skyscraper 
Marina BaySands, Singapore.
 Click here

Amazing lightning storm over the Grand Canyon.
 Click here

Baby chameleons.
 Click here

Beautiful image of a panda bear helping another.
 Click here

"The Road to Heaven", a place in Ireland  where every two years 
the stars align with the road.
 Click here

World's Largest Swimming Pool in San Alfonso, Chile.  
More than 1,000 yards long.
 Click here

Crystal Palace. Madrid.
 Click here

"Heaven's Gate",  Zhangjiajie Tianmen Mountain, China .
 Click here

The Northern Lights, Alaska.
 Click here

The white owl. Spectacular.
 Click here

The famous'' Rosa Moss Bridges", Ireland.
 Click here

Eiffel Tower.  Romantic and beautiful Paris, France.
 Click here

Road to Hana, Maui, Hawaii.
 Click here

Restaurant hanging, Belgium.
 Click here

Sea otters hold hands while they sleep in case the current changes, 
so they awaken together.
 Click here

There are animals with more  sensitivity than many people.
 Click here

Frozen bubbles in the Canadian

Rockies, Canada.
 Click here

View of the semi-submerged cataract, Hawaii.
 Click here

A pink lake, due to the harmless

bacteria of  Retba Lake, north of the Cap

Vert peninsula of Senegal.
 Click here

This dog saved her puppies from a fire at home and put them safely in one
of the fire trucks
 Click here

Infinite Cave, Vietnam
 Click here

"If you are depressed you are living in the past. If you are anxious you
are living in the future. If you are at peace you are living in the present."
--
Lao Tzu

Life has an expiration date so enjoy each and every day!

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Two ladies, lifelong friends, find themselves single after their failed
marriages.

They are excellent supports for one another and enjoy one another's company
to get over their separations.

One day, after a long boozy lunch they find themselves back in Betty's home
and Jane realises that maybe the friendship is going to go in a new
direction.

"Jane", says Betty, "Can I be frank with you?"

"No, I'll be Frank".

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I just got back from the ATM.
An old lady was having trouble and asked me if I could check her balance.
So I pushed her over.

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Did you see this?
 Click here ?

Talk about being a dogsbody!

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To be 8 again...

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife, who was
looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not very far off
he asked what she'd like to have for her birthday. 'I'd like to be eight
again', she replied, still looking in the mirror.

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of
Coco Pops, and then took her to Adventure World theme park. What a day! He
put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the
Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was.

Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling
and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to MacDonald's where he
ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake. Then it
was off to a Disney movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favourite sweets,
M&M's.
What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.
He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear,
what was it like being eight again'? Her eyes slowly opened and her
expression suddenly changed. 'I meant my dress size, you f@*#*! retard!!!!'

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it
wrong.

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NSFW
 Click here

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Normal People
 Click here

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Gun Crazy
 Click here

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Rain
 Click here

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How politics work

I TOLD MY SON, "YOU WILL MARRY THE GIRL I CHOOSE."

HE SAID, "NO."
I TOLD HIM, "SHE IS BILL GATES' DAUGHTER."
HE SAID, "YES."

I CALLED BILL GATES AND SAID, "I WANT YOUR DAUGHTER TO MARRY MY SON."
BILL GATES SAID, "NO."

I TOLD BILL GATES, "MY SON IS THE CEO OF THE WORLD BANK."
BILL GATES SAID, "OK."

I CALLED THE PRESIDENT OF WORLD BANK AND ASKED HIM TO MAKE MY SON THE CEO.
HE SAID, "NO."

I TOLD HIM, "MY SON IS BILL GATES' SON-IN-LAW."
HE SAID, "OK.

THAT'S HOW POLITICS WORKS.

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Now aint this the truth.

The definitions of Complete and Finished

Accurate.

Complete and Finished

No English dictionary has been able to adequately explain the difference
between these two words. In a recent linguistic competition held in London
and attended by, supposedly, the best in the world, Samdar Balgobin, a
Guyanese man, was the clear winner with a standing ovation which lasted
over 5 minutes.

The final question was: 'How do you explain the difference between COMPLETE
and FINISHED in a way that is easy to understand? Some people say there is
no difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED.'
Here is his astute answer:

"When you marry the right woman, you are COMPLETE. When you marry the wrong
woman, you are FINISHED. And when the right one catches you with the wrong
one, you are COMPLETELY FINISHED!"

He won a trip around the world and a case of 25 year old Scotch!

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Seven Kinds of Sex

The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex. * This kind of sex happens when
you first meet someone, and you both have sex until you are blue in the
face

The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex. * This is when you have been
with your partner for a short time, and you are so needy you will have sex
Anywhere, even in the kitchen.

The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex. This is when you have been with
your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine, and you usually
have Sex only in your bedroom.

The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex * This Is when you have been
with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you
both say 'Fuck you.'

The 5th kind of sex is called: Catholic Sex. * Which means you get Nun in
the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night. (Very Popular)

The 6th kind is called Courtroom Sex. * This is when you cannot stand your
Wife any more. She takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.

And; Last, but not least, The 7th kind of sex is called: Social Security
Sex. You get a little each month. But not enough to enjoy yourself.

PLEASE DO NOT REPLY TO TELL ME WHAT STAGE YOU ARE IN.

I have enough problems of my own!

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IronHeads List of Dog Breeds

The fact that I am generally covered with dog hair and have a bit odeur de
kennel about me has caused a lot of people to ask me what kind of dog they
should get for themselves. So with a little help from my friends I present
the following list.

Pugs are very cute and a natural choice if you want a dog that makes more
weird breathing noises than a TB ward

Labs - Labs are great, water proof and brush clean easily, most are made
out of polyester.

German shepherds are smart and easily trained, some people, however,
find the goose stepping disturbing.

Great Danes - Scooby Doo lives - Loving huge friendly smelly,
everything a person could want in an indoor farm animal.

Terriers, secret caffeine addicts that rarely slow down to a run. Come in
about 50 different flavors, all of which are completely wired.

Pit Bulls nice friendly loving animals that never do anybody any harm (the
pit bull anti-defamation league insisted on me saying that, or they
promised to break my knees)

Mastiff - a Huge loving Huge lazy Huge drooling Huge family loving
Huge dog. You should probably get yourself a large and very strongly built
sofa before hauling one of these rhinos home with you.

Border Collie at least 30 IQ points smarter than your teenager - you have
to keep them busy at all times or they will begin to plot a coup.

Dachshunds - according to the Insurance Institute the most claims filed for
dog attacks are caused by dachshunds. They have heard all the wiener dog
jokes and don't want to hear any more out of you.

Chihuahua My first experience with a Chihuahua was when it peed on my shoe.
You may not get off so easily . It has been suggested that Chihuahuas are
not actually dogs but a species of rodent related to the South American
variety of Rattus.

Husky - a husky need a lot of exercise, let one drag you around the
neighborhood twice a day and they are fine dogs.

Australian Shepard (called that in the US, we can't get anything straight).
Another one of the freakishly intelligent dogs.  Keep in mind that if this
pup had vocal cords you would be working for him.

Greyhounds, I know a greyhound, lays around all the time, eats anything
never gains an ounce, don't you just hate people like that?  I bet other
dogs talk bad about greyhounds behind their backs.

Shelter Dogs, all shelter dogs are Labrador retrievers or whatever kind of
dog the worker thinks you want. God bless the workers at the shelters but
remember they are trying to find dogs homes. If they tell you it's a lab
and it looks like a pit bull, I bet you can guess which one it probably is
right?

Rottweiler, a Doberman that has been hitting the gym.  A surprisingly good
house pet if you don't mind them strutting around and showing off their
muscles in various 'poses'.

Shih Tzu - another dog that's heard all the jokes it needs to hear, at
least it's too small to do as much damage as a dachshund.

Poodle a surprisingly smart and trainable dog. Avoid the infamous poodle
cut or the beast is likely to kill you in your sleep.

Beagle - sadly very few of these dogs set on the roof of their dog house
and pretend to be World War 1 flying aces.

Collie - absolutely the choice for families with particularly dim-witted
and clumsy kids who keep falling down holes.  A border collie would written
off little Timmy season 1.

Pomeranian - a puffball, this is the choice for faux painting, be sure to
use latex paint. Wash and dry before putting it away for the day.

St Bernard - all the 'advantages' of a Mastiff AND it is socially
acceptable to equip it with a good stiff drink

The Mutt - usually from a shelter - From its wet nose to its wagging tail
will worship the ground you walk on, eats anything and has the constitution
of a cast iron frying pan.  If people had the sense dogs do they would
spend thousands of dollars on mutts and the shelters would be full of pure
breeds

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MOMS IN GROUP THERAPY

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young
mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've
even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second Mom, Ann: "Your obsession is with money. Again, it
manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

He turned to the third Mom, Joyce: "Your obsession is alcohol. This too
shows itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her little
boy by the hand, and whispered,  "Come on, Dick, this guy has no idea what
he's talking about. Let's pick up Peter and Willy from school and get some
dinner".

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4 Year-Old's First Paycheck - A Truly Heartwarming Story

Here's a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little
4-year-old girl & some construction workers that will make you believe that
we all can make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time. A
young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot.  One day, a
construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot. The
young family's 4-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the
activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the
workers. Eventually the construction crew, all of them "gems-in-the-rough,"
more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with
her,
let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, & gave her a
few little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope
containing ten dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother who
suggested that she take her 10 dollars "pay" she'd received to the bank the
next day to start a savings account.

When the  girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally
impressed & asked the little girl how she  had come by her very own pay
check at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last
week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us."

"Oh my goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the
house again this week, too?"

The little girl replied, "I will, if those assholes at Home Depot ever
deliver the fuckin' drywall."

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Justin...

Justin Trudeau walks into a Royal Bank to cash a cheque. As he approaches
the cashier he says, "Good morning, Ma'am, could you please cash this
cheque for me?

Cashier: "It would be my pleasure sir. Could you please show me your ID?"

 Trudeau: "Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think
there was any need to. I am Justin Trudeau, the leader of the Liberal Party
of
Canada!!!!"

 Cashier: "Yes sir, I know who you are, but with all the regulations and
monitoring of the banks because of impostors and forgers and requirements
of the CIDC legislation, etc., I must insist on seeing ID."

 Trudeau: "Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell
you.
Everybody knows who I am."

 Cashier: "I am sorry, Mr. Trudeau, but these are the bank rules and I must
follow them."

 Trudeau: "Mon dieu. I am urging you, please, to cash this cheque."

 Cashier: "Look Mr. Trudeau , here is an example of what we can do. One
day,
Tiger Woods came into the bank without ID. To prove he was Tiger Woods he
pulled out his putter and made a beautiful shot across the bank into a cup.
With that shot we knew him to be Tiger Woods and cashed his cheque.

 Another time, Andre Agassi came in without ID. He pulled out his tennis
racket and made a fabulous shot whereas the tennis ball landed in my cup.
With that shot we cashed his cheque.

 So, Mr. Trudeau, what can you do to prove that it is you, and only you?"

 Trudeau stands there thinking, and thinking, and finally says, "Honestly,
my mind is a total blank, I have absolutely no idea what to do, I don't
have a clue."

 Cashier: "Will that be large or small bills, Mr. Trudeau?"

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GOODBYE, MUM

A young man shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following

him around. If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore she kept staring at
him.

She finally overtook him at the checkout, and she turned to him and said,
"I

hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease; it's just that you look so much

like my late son."    He answered, "That's okay."

"I know it's silly, but if you'd call out 'Good bye, Mum' as I leave the
store,

it would make me feel so happy."  She then went through the checkout,

and as she was on her way out of the  store, the man called out, "Goodbye,
Mum."

The little old lady waved and smiled back at him..

Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, he went
to

pay for his groceries.

"That comes to $121.85," said the clerk.. "How come so much? I only bought
5 items."

The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your Mother said you'd be paying for her
things, too."

Bet you thought this was going to be a tearjerker.

Don't trust those Little Old Ladies!!!

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TEXTING CONUNDRUM

An elderly couple learned to send text messages on their mobile phones.

The wife, a retired college English instructor with emphasis on the
Classics, was an unapologetic romantic; her husband, a retired gruff Marine
Corp Sargent Major of thirty years' service, was a no-nonsense guy.

One afternoon the wife went to the local Starbuck's to meet a friend for
coffee.  While awaiting her friend's arrival, she exercised her new skill
by sending her husband a romantic text message: "If you are sleeping, send
me your dreams.  If you are laughing, send me your smile.  If you are
eating,
send me a bite.  If you are drinking, send me a sip.  If you are crying,
send me your tears. I love you."

The husband responded:  "I'm takin' a crap.   Please advise."

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SINGING IN THE RAIN LIKE YOU'VE NEVER SEEN IT BEFORE
 Click here

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Difficult Roads often lead to Beautiful Destinations
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

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Puns
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

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Philosophers Of the Century . . ...

~ Betsy Salkind...
Men are like linoleum floors.  Lay 'em right and you can walk all over them
for thirty years.

~ Jean Kerr...

The only reason they say 'Women and children first' is to test the strength
of the lifeboats.

~ Prince Philip...
When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new
wife.

~ Harrison Ford...
Wood burns faster when you have to cut and chop it yourself.

~ Spike Milligan...
The best cure for Sea Sickness, is to sit under a tree.

 ~ Jean Rostand...
Kill one man and you're a murderer, kill a million and you're a conqueror

~  Arnold Schwarzenegger...
Having more money doesn't make you happier.  I have 50 million dollars but
I'm just as happy as when I had 48 million.

~ WH Auden...
We are here on earth to do good unto others.  What the others are here for,
I have no idea.

~ Jonathan Katz...
In hotel rooms, I worry.  I can't be the only guy who sits on the furniture
naked.

~ Johnny Carson...
If life were fair, Elvis would still be alive today and all the
impersonators would be dead.

~ Steve Martin...
Hollywood must be the only place on earth where you can be fired by a man
wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a baseball cap.

~ Jimmy Durante...
Home cooking.  Where many a man thinks his wife is.

~ George Roberts.
The first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone.

~ Jonathan Winters...
If God had intended us to fly he would have made it easier to get to the
airport.

~ Robert Benchley...
I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.

~ John Glenn...
As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind - every part
of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder.

~ David Letterman...
America is the only country where a significant proportion of the
population believes that professional wrestling is real but the moon
landing was faked.

~ Howard Hughes...
I'm not a paranoid, deranged millionaire.  Dammit, I'm a billionaire.

~ Old Italian proverb..
After the game, the King and the pawn go into the same box.

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Ethnic Dancing
 Click here
This is quite interesting, it shows the differences in cultural approaches
to the art of dance. The first couple are from Venezuela, and the second
are from Saudi Arabia.

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Wal-Mart Airlines
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here

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Scottish Hospitality
 Click here

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This is an announcer in the real world ... [language]
 Click here
Tell it how it is.
But I think he may be looking for a new job.

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Macho...!!!
 Click here

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Dicing with Death or keeping one jump ahead!
 Click here
These are only tiger cubs but the gibbon is still incredibly agile
To be able to keep ahead of them.

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One For You and One For Me!!!
 Click here

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Ads you don't see anymore - for a reason!
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here

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'Halloween In Arizona'
 Click here

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EVERY CHOIR NEEDS A GOOD CONDUCTOR.
 Click here

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Nightclub
 Click here

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Dr. Thomas Sowell - Stanford University
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here
Thomas Sowell is an American TREASURE. He is a Senior Fellow at the Hoover
Institution at Stanford University, born in NC, but raised in Harlem.
Educated at Harvard, Colombia and Chicago. He is an economist who has
taught at Cornell, Brandeis, The Urban Institution, UCLA, and now at
Stanford.

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Milk
 Click here

 A little old lady from Wisconsin had worked in and around her family dairy
farms since she was old enough to walk, with hours of hard work and little
compensation.

When canned Carnation Milk became available in grocery stores in the 1940s,
she read an advertisement offering $5,000 for the best slogan.

The producers wanted a rhyme beginning With 'Carnation Milk is best of
all.'

She thought to herself, I know everything there is to know about milk and
dairy farms. I can do this! She sent in her entry, and several weeks later,
a black car pulled up in front of her house.

A large man got out, knocked on her door and said, "Ma'am,.....The
president of Carnation milk absolutely LOVED your entry.....So much, in
fact, that we are here to award you $1,000 even though we will not be able
to use it for our advertisements!"

He did, however, have one printed up to hang on his office wall.

True story!!

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WHEN YOU FEEL STUPID, READ THIS!
You'll feel much better after this....
and then read it again; you'll begin to think you're a genius.....

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(On September 17, 1994, Alabama's Heather Whitestone was selected as Miss
America 1995.)
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever,
because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever,
but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever," --Miss
Alabama in the 1994 Miss  USA     contest.
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"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I
can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with
all those flies and death and stuff."
--Mariah Carey ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your
life," -- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for
the federal anti-smoking campaign.
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"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body," 
--Winston Bennett,  University of  Kentucky     basketball forward.
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"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in
the country," --Mayor Marion Barry,  Washington,  DC.
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"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and
I'm just the one to do it," -- A congressional candidate in Texas.
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"Half this game is ninety percent mental."
 --Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark
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"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in
our air and water that are doing it.."
--  Al Gore, Vice President ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
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"I love  California.
I practically grew up in  Phoenix."
-- Dan Quayle ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
"We've got to pause and ask ourselves:
How much clean air do we need?"
--Lee Iacocca ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like
Norman Einstein."
--  Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of
people."
-- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.
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"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received
notice that you passed away. May God bless you.. You may reapply if there
is a change in your circumstances."
--  Department of Social Services, Greenville , South Carolina
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"Traditionally, most of Australia 's imports come from overseas."
--  Keppel Enderbery (WHO ???) ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

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Feeling smarter yet?
Send it on to your brilliant friends.
I just did !!

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outh to Mouth Resuscitation .......Or !!!
 Click here

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Willie Nelson-Rainy day smile...

Whether or not you are a country music fan, these are truly the words of a
deep thinker.

So simple, yet so profound!
read the words of wisdom from that famous philosopher, Willie Nelson,
iconic country and western singer,
on his 80th birthday below his esteemed portrait.

Only a man with such wisdom and maturity could be so concise and succinct
in phrasing his feelings at this turning point in his life.

"I've outlived my dick"
A Poem - by Willie Nelson

My nookie days are over,
My pilot light is out.
What used to be my pride and joy,
Is now my water spout.
Time was when, on its own accord,
From my trousers it would spring.
But now I've got a full time job,
To find the friggin thing
It used to be embarrassing,
The way it would behave.
For every single morning,
It would stand and watch me shave.
Now as old age approaches,
It sure gives me the blues.
To see it hang its little head,
And watch me tie my shoes!!

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Fall Harvest
 Click here

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The Hookers Union - a perspective

A dedicated Teamsters union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas
and decided to check out the local brothels.
When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam, "Is this a union house?"
"No," she replied, "I'm sorry it isn't."
"Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"
"The house gets $80 and the girls get $20," she answered.
Offended at such unfair dealings, the union man stomped off down the street
in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop.
His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam
responded, "Why yes sir, this is a union house.
We observe all union rules."
The man asked, "And, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"
"The girls get $80 and the house gets $20."
"That's more like it!" the union man said.
He handed the Madam $ 100 , looked around the room, and pointed to a
stunningly attractive green -eyed blonde ..
"I'd like her," he said.
"I'm sure you would, sir," said the Madam.
Then she gestured to a 92-year old woman in the corner, "but Ethel here has
67 years seniority and according to union rules, she's next! "

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What does AH Mean ?
 Click here

A motorcycle police officer stops a driver for shooting through a red
light.
The driver is a real jerk, steps out of his car and comes striding toward
the officer, demanding to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo !

So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation.
The motorist instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's
ancestry,
sexual orientation, etc., in rather explicit offensive terms.

The tirade goes on and on without the officer saying anything.

When the officer finishes writing the ticket he puts an "AH" in the lower
right corner of the narrative portion of the ticket.
He then hands it to The 'violator' for his signature.
The guy signs the ticket angrily, and when presented with his copy points
to the "AH" and demands to know what it stands for.

The officer says, "That's so when we go to court, I'll remember that you're
an arsehole!"

Two months later they're in court.
The 'violator' has a bad driving record with a high number of points and is
in danger of losing his license, so he hired a lawyer to represent him.

On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run through the red
light.

Under cross examination the defense attorney asks; "Officer is this a
reasonable facsimile of the ticket that you issued to my client ?"

Officer responds, "Yes, sir, that is the defendant's copy, his signature
and mine, same number at the top."

Lawyer: "Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this
ticket you don't normally make ?"

"Yes, sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an "AH,"
underlined."

"What does the "AH" stand for, officer ?"

"Aggressive and hostile, Sir."

"Aggressive and hostile ?"

"Yes, Sir.

"Officer, are you sure it doesn't stand for arsehole?"

Well, Sir, you know your client better than I do.

How often can one get an attorney to convict his own client?

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Luxury Car Failures
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here
Waste of the Big Bucks

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Photos
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

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Pinky Problem
 Click here
Rachel Deckert, 27,  was supposed to turn herself in at the Lewis County
Jail, Centralia, Washington, on an outstanding misdemeanour warrant. She
did. Problem was, she was pinky-bonded to her girlfriend, and they couldn't
separate. As a form of couples therapy, the two had used epoxy to glue
their pinky fingers together, inside a copper pipe.

Said Detective Patty Finch, "They haven't been able to feel their fingers
for three days," and called Captain Scott Weinert, of the Riverside Fire
Authority for help, in un-bonding the pair. Weinert did not have any
success, and directed the girls back to Judge James Buzzard, at the
Centralia Municipal Court.

Judge Buzzard then ordered the girls to report to the Lewis County General
Hospital, in Lowville, New York, for separation by any means, and a return
to his court.

Not clear how the two will be unattached. Pinky amputation is a
possibility.

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Cop Photos
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

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Ronald Reagan telling Russian Jokes
 Click here

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4 X Photos
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

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World's Largest Pizza
 Click here
According to the Guinness World Records, the largest pizza ever baked
Weighed 26,883 lb.(12194 kg) , was made in Norwood, South Africa. The pizza
measured 122 feet, 8 inches in diameter, and weighed 26,883 pounds, and
contained 9,920 pounds of flour, 3,960 pounds of cheese, 1,763 pounds of
mushrooms, 1,984 pounds of tomato puree, and 1,984 pounds of chopped
tomatoes. It was made on the 8th
December, 1990, and nobody has come close to the record, ever since.

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Just so you know!
 Click here

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[ End friday humour ]

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