Friday humour - November 03, 2017

From Haz@Bluehaze

Hope you enjoy this weeks Bluehaze

As always – thanks to the contributors for all the great material –
please keep this coming

 ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Anonymous3

Trees That Refuse To Die No Matter What

Trees have been around for about 370 million years, and as you can from
these incredible pictures, there's a good reason why they've survived for
so long. Whether they're growing in the middle of gale-force winds, on the
tops of rocky platforms, inside concrete tunnels, or even growing out of
each other, trees know how to survive in places that few living organisms
can, which explains why the planet is host to around 3 trillion adult trees
that cover an estimated 30% of the earth's land. Considering that plants
produce the vast majority of the oxygen that we breathe, we should all
think ourselves very fortunate that trees are as resilient as they are. We
wouldn't even be here if they weren't.

A Place Of Enchantment
 Click here

This Palm Tree Fell Over And Curved Right Back Up
 Click here

This Tree Fell Over And Grew 4 More Trees Out Of Itself
 Click here

The Only Tree That Survived The Tsunami In Japan Between 70,000 Trees.
Today Protected And Restored
 Click here

Tree Of Life - Olympic National Park, Washington
 Click here

A Tree's Root Spill Over The Sidewalk
 Click here

Nature FTW
 Click here

I Found A Tree Growing Through Speed Limit Sign
 Click here

This Tree That Refuses To Die
 Click here

This Tree Still Has Its Leaves Because Of The Light Shining On It
 Click here

Life Finds A Way
 Click here

Tree Roots Extend Across A Gap To The Mainland For Nutrients
 Click here

Life Finds A Way
 Click here

Ta Promh Temple In Cambodia
 Click here

Striving
 Click here

My Grandpa Hung His Skates On A Small Tree When He Was Younger. He Forgot
He Had Left Them There And Found Them Years Later
 Click here

A Tree Growing On Another Tree
 Click here

This Tree Is Growing Out Of Another Tree
 Click here

This Tree Grew Out Of The Stump Of A Dead Tree And Then The Stump Rotted
Away
 Click here

A Tree Grows From Third Floor Window
 Click here

Life Finds A Way
 Click here

I Spent Ages Staring At This Tree Before Taking This Pic. I Hope You Find
It As Fascinating As I Did
 Click here

This Floating Island That Grew At The End Of A Partially Sunken Tree
 Click here

This Wooden Chair My Parents Bought Started Sprouting Leaves
 Click here

The Old Piano Tree
 Click here

Trees On A Tree
 Click here

My Sister's Tree Is Eating Her Fence
 Click here

This Tree Growing Through A Fence
 Click here

Life,Uh... Finds A Way
 Click here

 ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Arfermo
Land of Love

For those who haven't heard:
New Zealand just passed both laws - gay marriage and legalized marijuana.
The fact that gay marriage and marijuana were legalized on the same day
makes perfect biblical sense because Leviticus 20:13 says,
"If a man lies with another man they should be stoned."
We just hadn't interpreted it correctly before!

 ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Burnout

So Cinderella heads off to the ball with it clearly explained to her that
if she isn't home by midnight her lady parts will be turned into a pumpkin.

She rocks home after breakfast looking a mess. Hair untidy, make up like
Alice Cooper and grass stains on her knees.

"Where have you been, why are you home so late? You knew what would happen
at midnight, who were you with?"

"Peter Peter".

 ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Burnout

A young Texan grew up wanting to be a lawman. He grew up big, 6' 2",
strong as a longhorn, and fast as a mustang. He could shoot a bottle cap
tossed in the air at 40 paces. When he finally came of age, he applied to
where he had only dreamed of working : the West Texas Sheriff's
Department.

After a series of tests and interviews, the Sheriff called him into his
office for the young man's last interview. The Sheriff said, "You're a big
strong kid and you can really shoot. So far your qualifications all look
good, but we have, what you might call, an "Attitude Suitability
Test" that you must take before you can be accepted. We just don't let
anyone carry our badge, son. Then, sliding a service pistol and a box of
ammo across the desk, the Sheriff said, "Take this pistol and go out and
shoot :

six illegal aliens

six ambulance-chasing lawyers

six meth dealers

six Muslim extremists

six Democrats

and a rabbit.

"Why the rabbit?" queried the applicant.*

"You pass," said the Sheriff. "When can you start?"*

Ya gotta LOVE TEXAS!

 ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Burnout

Kim Jong-Un announced at a news conference that North Korea would be
sending a man to the sun within ten years.
A reporter said, "But the sun is too hot. How can your man land on the
sun?”
There was a stunned silence. Nobody knew how to react.
Kim Jong-Un quietly answered "We will land at night”.
The gathering and everyone in North Korea watching on television broke into
thunderous applause.
Back in Washington, Donald Trump and his entourage were watching the news
conference when Trump heard what Kim said, he sneered - "What an idiot.
Everybody knows there’s no sun at night.”
His cabinet and everyone working in the White House broke into thunderous
applause.

 ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Burnout
Treefella
 Click here

 ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Burnout

*T*his is a story of a 16 year-old boy from Tamworth who won the World's
Shortest Essay competition. He was awarded a scholarship at the
University of Sydney for his imagination and humour…Here it is… _
Shortest Essay:
_
An English creative writing class was asked to write a concise essay
containing the following elements:

1.        Religion
2.        Royalty
3.        Physical Disability
4.        Racism
5.        Homosexuality

_The prize-winner wrote_:

*'My God,' cried the Queen, 'That one-legged coon is a poofter.’*

 ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Duke of Barsinov

Saw_this_the_other_day_and?=
 Click here

 ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Havarum

collide tv
 Click here

 ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Havarum

For The Curious. The World's Best Short Vids.

1.5 mins
 Click here
Toronto - The Views Are Different Here - See The City Through A Local's
Eyes*

4.5 Mins
 Click here
Gui Martinez - A Short Film & Photo Essay Following The Talented
Photographer In Japan*

12 Mins
 Click here
Exquisite and Beautiful Animation Short 'Fox And The Whale'*

2 Mins
 Click here
When You Get Home - Short Film Based On True Events From A Kind Hearted
Police Officer*

2.5 Mins
 Click here
Makin' Moves' Is Too Weird Not To Enjoy*

15 Mins
 Click here
Train Surfers - Insight Into The Lives Of Mumbai’s Thrill Seekers*

2.5 Mins
 Click here
*David Sedaris On Keeping A Diary In The Age Of Over-Sharing*

6 Mins
 Click here
An Intense and Thrilling Ride Through The Busy Streets Of Jo'burg (With
No Helmet?!)*

1 Mins
 Click here
The Night Is - Superdry Makes You Want To Party Till The Sun Comes Up*

 ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Haz

Insightful

A woman in India has given birth to a 13 Kg boy.
Doctors say they expect the kid to be walking 6 months before his mother!!

Money doesn't buy you happiness they say, but it does buy you drugs, cars,
prostitutes alcohol and loads of other cool stuff, so it's pretty damn
close.

Kim Kardashian is having her third baby by Surrogate.  Bit like me asking
my mate to have a shit for me!

If you get a new job before you quit your own, it’s called responsible.
But if you do that with your girlfriend, it's called "cheating."

I came home from work last night and told my wife that I've been given a
huge promotion at work which means I get my own office and I get to employ
my own private secretary.
"Well, you'd better hire someone who's a bit old, fat and ugly" she said "I
don't want you choosing someone who you're going to be tempted to have sex
with".  "That's fair enough" I replied "When can you start?"

 ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Haz
HELGA'S CRUISE SHIP DIARY........

DEAR DIARY - DAY 1   All packed for the cruise ship -- all my nicest
dresses, swimsuits, shortsets. Really, really exciting. Our local Ladies
Bowls Club – ‘The Late Bloomers’ decided on this "all-girls" trip. It
will be my first one - and I can't wait!

--------------------------------------------------
DEAR DIARY - DAY 2
Entire day at sea, so beautiful. Saw whales and dolphins. Met the Captain
today -- seems like a very nice man.

------------------------------ -----------
DEAR DIARY -  DAY 3
At the pool today. Did some shuffleboard, hit golf balls off the deck.  The
Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner. Felt honoured and
had a wonderful time. He is very attractive and attentive.

------------------------------ -----------
DEAR DIARY - DAY  4
Won £800 in the ship's Casino. The Captain asked me to have dinner with
him in his own cabin. Had a scrumptious meal complete with caviar and
champagne.  He asked me to stay the night, but I declined. Told him I could
not be unfaithful to my husband.

------------------------------  -----------
DEAR DIARY - DAY 5
Pool again today. Got really sunburned, and I went inside for a drink at
the piano-bar and to cool down; stayed there for rest of day. The Captain
saw me, bought me several large drinks. Really is quite charming. Again
asked me to visit his cabin for the night. Again, I declined. He told me,
if I did not let him have his way with me, he would sink the ship... I was
shocked.

---------------------------------------------------------

DEAR DIARY -  DAY 6

Today I saved 2600 lives.

Twice ........

 ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Haz

Some people never get old

SOME PEOPLE NEVER GET OLD

"Life Is Short. Live It To The Fullest. It Has An Expiration Date!" Laugh
dammit laugh!

 Click here

 ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Haz

Little Larry. Fighter Pilot

A teacher asks the kids in her 3rd grade class: "What do you want to be
when you grow up?"

Little Larry says: "I wanna start out as a Fighter Pilot, then be a
billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest whore, give
her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a
mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, an Infinite Visa Card,
and all the while banging her like a loose screen door in a hurricane."

The teacher, shocked and not knowing what to do with this horrible response
from little Larry, decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply tries
to continue with the lesson

"And how about you, Sarah?"

"I wanna be Larry's whore"

 ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Haz

Newly wed ...

A man met a beautiful blonde lady and after a short courtship asked her to
marry him.
She said, 'But we don't know anything about each other.'
He said, 'That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along.'
So she consented, they were married, and off they went on a honeymoon at a
resort.

One morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel,
climbed up to the 10 metre board and did a two and a half tuck, followed by
three rotations in the pike position,
At which point he straightened out and cut the water like a knife.

After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.
She said, 'That was incredible!'
He said, 'I  used to be an Olympic diving champion.
You see, I told you we'd learn more about each other as we went along.'

So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing laps.
After seventy-five laps she climbed out of the pool, lay down on her towel
and was hardly out of breath
He said, 'That was incredible!  Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?'
'No,' she said, 'I was a prostitute in Mildura, but I worked both sides of
the Murray !!!

 ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Haz

Medicare Help-Desk Recommendation

The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, "Hello."
"Mrs. Sanders, please."
"Speaking."
"Mrs. Sanders, this is Doctor Jones at Saint Agnes Laboratory.  When your
husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from
another Mr. Sanders arrived as well..  We are now uncertain which one
belongs to your husband.  Frankly, either way the results are not too
good."
"What do you mean?" Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.
"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other
tested positive for HIV.  We can't tell which is which."
"That's dreadful ! Can you do the test again ?" questioned Mrs. Sanders.
"Normally we can, but MEDICARE will only pay for these expensive tests
once."
"Well, what am I supposed to do now ?"

"The MEDICARE Help-desk recommends that you drop your husband off somewhere
in the middle of town.  If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him.”

 ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Haz

Something to Ponder

I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer.
The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep
thinking. My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing, and I said,
"Nothing." The reason I said "nothing" instead of saying "just thinking" is
because she then would have asked, "About what?" At that point I would have
had to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics, which would
lead to other questions.

Finally I pondered an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than
getting kicked in the nuts? Women always maintain that giving birth is way
more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts, but how could they
know? Well, after another beer, and some more heavy deductive thinking, I
have come up with an answer to that question. Getting kicked in the nuts is
more painful than having a baby, and even though I obviously couldn't
really know, here is the reason for my conclusion. A year or so after
giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another
child."

On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would
like another kick in the nuts."

I rest my case. Time for another beer, and then maybe a nap.

 ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: JC
From a Tweet Trump: "Intelligent."

Socrates: "Odysseus was intelligent. Was he civil?"

Trump: "He go to Princeton?"

 ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Seasoldier

Occasionally, a gem of a joke comes along.

An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each
other for a long time.

Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.

Before the wedding,they went out to dinner and had a long conversation
regarding how their

marriage might work.

They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.

Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of
their physical relationship.
'How do you feel about sex?' he asked, rather tentatively.

'I would like it infrequently' she replied.

The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, leaned over towards her and
whispered - 'Is that one word or two?'

 ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Duke of Barsinov
 Click here

 ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Haz
 Click here

 ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Haz

A Heavenly Message from Hugh Hefner
 Click here

 ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Haz

FUNNY- An announcer's dream ... it's brief ...
 Click here

 ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Haz

Up The Creek WITH A Paddle.
 Click here

 ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Haz

New Train Set from Bradford Exchange
 Click here

 ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Haz

Rated Peanuts -
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

 ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Haz

Inventor of the car back-up sensor

WHO WAS THE INVENTOR OF THE CAR BACK-UP SENSOR?
I bet you think it was Ford,
maybe GM,
how about Chrysler,
no, then how about Mercedes Benz ?
Actually it was a Chinese farmer!
Most of the newest cars have a “Back-Up Sensor” that warns the driver
before the rear bumper actually comes in contact with something.    Most
people probably think that this valuable feature came out of the minds of
engineers, but it was recently disclosed that the concept was first
developed by a Chinese farmer.
His invention was simple and effective.
It emits a high-pitched squeal when the vehicle backs into something.
 Click here

 ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Wally
Hungry
 Click here Click here Click here

 ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Wally

Great White Shark Photo
 Click here

 ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Wally
 Click here

 ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Wally
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here

 ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Wally

The Worlds Slowest Marathon
 Click here Click here

The World's Slowest Marathon goes to Shizo Kanakuri, of Japan, in a time of
54 years, 8 months, 6 days, 5 hours, 32 minutes, and 20.379 seconds. During
the race, Shizo got married, had 6 children, and 10 grandchildren. He
eventually died, on the 13th November 1983, aged 92.
 Click here

 ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Wally

The Judge
 Click here

 ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Wally

Royal Navy in Crisis
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here

Sex & Drugs on HM Nuclear Submarine

Britain's navy has dishonourably discharged nine sailors, after they tested
positive for cocaine, while serving on a nuclear-armed submarine. The
sailors were from HMS Vigilant, one of four Royal Navy Vanguard-Class
submarines, that operates the Trident nuclear missile system.

"We do not tolerate drugs misuse by service personnel. They have fallen
short of our high standards, and have been discharged in disgrace, from the
service," a Royal Navy spokesman said.

The Daily Mail newspaper reported that the sailors had failed drugs tests,
on the 2nd October 2017, while the submarine was docked in the United
States, to pick up Nuclear Warheads. The 9 sailors were accommodated in
local hotels on shore, before being flown back to Britain.

The second scandal erupted on the 10th October 2017, while the submarine
was at the US Submarine Naval Base, in King's Bay, Georgia. Senior naval
chiefs were dispatched to the nuclear submarine, after a whistleblower
reported concerns about two affairs, involving the Captain, Commander
Stuart
Armstrong, 41, and the Executive Officer, Lieutenant Commander Michael
Seal,
39, with 2 female Engineering Officers, Sub-Lieutenant Rebecca Edwards, 25,
and Lieutenant Hannah Litchfield, 27.

While it was docked in King's Bay, officers were put up in a $300-a-night
hotel in Florida, and sailors were put up in a $100-a-night cheaper hotel,
while work was carried out on the submarine, by the Naval dockyard.

Sailors first knew something was wrong, when they were ordered by senior
officers to delete all of their social media accounts, and ordered to get
back on the submarine for a meeting, where they were told the Captain and
the Executive Officer had been removed. They were also told that they would
be remaining in Florida, until a replacement Captain, and Executive
Officer,
were flown out from Britain, which would take between 3 and 4 weeks.

Meanwhile, another serviceman from the submarine, Able Seaman Dennis
Comerford, 22, faces a court martial after going AWOL - absent without
leave - and boarding a flight to Britain, to see his girlfriend. Two more
submariners have quit the boat, in the wake of the scandals, because they
were told, some of their leave for 2018, would be cancelled, for the time
lost in Florida.

It means that around 10% of 135-strong crew on HMS Vigilant, have either
been kicked out, quit, went AWOL, are under investigation, or have been
removed, in what is believed to be one of the biggest sex and drugs
scandals, to hit the Navy.

The submarine's captain and his Executive Officer are the only officers on
board with access to a grey safe, which contains a 'letter of last resort'
from the Prime Minister, Theresa May. It details guidance and orders to be
followed, should the UK be attacked with nuclear weapons.

The matter is so serious that the First Sea Lord, Admiral Sir Philip Jones,
has been quizzed about the scandal by the Defence Secretary, Sir Michael
Fallon, who is said to be 'furious'.

Britain's four nuclear-armed submarines each carry eight operational
missiles, and 40 nuclear warheads, and have a crew of 135. Since 1969
Britain has had at least one nuclear-armed submarine, on patrol at all
times.

 ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Whizzbang

wtf
 Click here Click here

___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

--------------------------------------------------------------------------
[ End friday humour ]

 Previous (October 27, 2017)  Index Next (November 10, 2017)