Friday humour - October 27, 2017

[from Steve @ Bluehaze]

What follows came from Anonymous3, Arfermo, Burnout, Duke of Barsinov, Haz,
Seasoldier, Wally and Whizzbang.

Enjoy!

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Anonymous3
Change like an eagle  Click here

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Henna 'crown' for cancer patient
 Click here
Now to have faith in humanity!!!

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Stanley phoned the maternity ward at the hospital. 'Quick!' he said.
'Send an ambulance, my wife is goin' to have a baby!'
'Tell me, is this her first baby?' the intern asked.
'No, this is her husband, Kevin, speakin'.'

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Oldie but still Topz

Diary of a Pommie in Western Australia

August 31
Just got transferred with work from Leeds UK to our new home in Karratha ,
Western Australia .
Now this is a town that knows how to live!  Beautiful, sunny days and warm,
balmy evenings.
I watched the sunset from a deckchair by our pool yesterday. It was
beautiful.
I've finally found my new home.  I love it here.

September 13
Really heating up now.  It got to 31 today. No problem though. Living in
air-conditioned home, driving air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to see
the sun every day like this. I'm turning into a sun-worshipper - no blasted
rain like back in Leeds !!

September 30
Had the back yard landscaped with tropical plants today. Lots of palms and
rocks. No more mowing lawns for me! Another scorcher today, but I love it
here. It's Paradise !

October 10
The temperature hasn't been below 35 all week. How do people get used to
this kind of heat?  At least today it's windy though. Keeps the flies off a
bit. Acclimatising is taking longer than we expected.

October 15
Fell asleep by the pool yesterday. Got third degree burns over 60% of my
body. Missed three days off work.  What a dumb thing to do.... Got to
respect the old sun in a climate like this!

October 20
Didn't notice Kitty (our cat) sneaking into the car before I left for work
this morning. By the time I got back to the car after work, Kitty had died
and swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and stuck to the upholstery.
The car now smells like Whiskettes and cat shit. I've learned my lesson
though: no more pets in this heat.

October 25
This wind is a bastard. It feels like a giant f***ing blow dryer. And it's
hot as hell! The home air conditioner is on the blink and the repair man
charged $200 just to drive over and tell me he needs to order parts from
f***ing Perth .....The wife & the kids are complaining.

October 30
The temperature's up around 40 and the parts still haven't arrived for the
f***ing air conditioner. House is an oven so we've all been sleeping
outside by the pool for 3 nights now. Bloody $600,000 house and we can't
even go inside. Why the hell did I ever come here?

November 4
Finally got the f***ing air-conditioner fixed. It cost $1,500 and gets the
temperature down to around 25 degrees, but the humidity makes it feel about
35. Stupid repairman.  F***ing thief !

November 8
If one more smart bastard says 'Hot enough for you today?'  I'm going to
f***ing throttle him.  F***ing heat!  By the time I get to work, the car
radiator is boiling over, my f***ing clothes are soaking f***ing wet and I
smell like baked cat.  F***ing place is the end of the Earth.

November 9
Tried to run some errands after work, wore shorts, and sat on the black
leather upholstery in my car. I thought my f***ing arse was on fire. I lost
2 layers of flesh, all the hair on the backs of my legs and off my f***ing
arse. Now the car smells like burnt hair, fried arse and baked cat. F***!
F***! F***!

November 10
The Weather report might as well be a f***ing recording..... Hot and sunny.
Hot and sunny, Hot and f***ing sunny. It never f***ing changes! It's been
too hot to do anything for 2 f***ing months and the weatherman says it
might really warm up next week. F***!

November 15
Doesn't it ever rain in this damn f***ing place?  Water restrictions will
be next, so my $5,000 worth of palms might just dry up and blow into the
f***ing pool.  The only things that thrive in this f***ing hell-hole are
the f***ing flies. You don't dare open your mouth for fear of swallowing
half a dozen of the little bastards!

November 20
Welcome to HELL!  It got to 45 f***in' degrees today. Now the air
conditioner has gone in my car. The repair man came to fix it and said,
'Hot enough for you today?'  I wanted to shove the f***ing car up his
f***ing arse. Anyway, had to spend the $2,500 mortgage payment to bail me
out of jail for assaulting the stupid prick. F***ing Karratha!  What kind
of sick, demented f***ing idiot would want to live here!

December 1
WHAT ! ! ! !
The FIRST day of Summer ! ! ! !  You are f***ing kidding me!

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The Firecrackers Half-Time Show  Click here
(Amazing, considering the young age of most of the girls)

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Cannes Film Festival Sights [XXX]
 Click here
For those who want to keep abreast of dress design; hard to imagine they
would be warm in these clothes!

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Fwd: Ballet ??
 Click here
Don't you now regret not taking up Ballet

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Puppy Size
This is one of the neatest stories you will ever hear. You will know
precisely what this little girl is talking about at the end (you'll want to
share this one with your loved ones and special friends)!

'Danielle
Keeps repeating it over and over again. We've been back to this animal
shelter at least five times. It has been weeks now since we started all of
this,' the mother told the volunteer.

'What is it she keeps asking for?' the volunteer asked.
'Puppy size!' replied the mother

'Well, we have plenty of puppies, if that's what she's looking for.' 'I
know..... We have seen most of them, ' the mom said in frustration...

Just then Danielle came walking into the office

'Well, did you find one?' asked her mom.

'No, not this time,' Danielle said with sadness in her voice. 'Can we come
back on the weekend?'

The two women looked at each other, shook their heads and laughed

'You never know when we will get more dogs.Unfortunately, there's always a
supply,' the volunteer said.

Danielle took her mother by the hand and headed to the door. 'Don't worry,
I'll find one this weekend,' she said.

Over the next few days both Mom and Dad had long conversations with her.
They both felt she was being too particular. 'It's this weekend or we're
not looking any more,' Dad finally said in frustration.

'We don't want to hear anything more about puppy size, either,' Mom added.

Sure enough, they were the first ones in the shelter on Saturday morning .
By now Danielle knew her way around, so she ran right for the section that
housed the smaller dogs.

Tired of the routine, mom sat in the small waiting room at the end of the
first row of cages. There was an observation window so you could see the
animals during times when
Visitors weren't permitted.

Danielle walked slowly from cage to cage, kneeling periodically to take a
closer look. One by one the dogs were brought out and she held each one.
One by one she said, 'Sorry, but you're not the one.'

It was the last cage on this last day in search of the perfect pup. The
volunteer opened the cage door and the child carefully picked up the dog
and held it closely. This time she took a little longer.

'Mom, that's it! I found the right puppy! He's the one! I know it!' She
screamed with joy. 'It's the puppy size!'

'But it's the same size as all the other puppies you held over the last few
weeks,' Mom said.

'No not size... The sighs. When I held him in my arms, he sighed,' she
said.
'Don't you remember? When I asked you one day what love is, you told me
love depends on the sighs of your heart. The more you love, the bigger the
sigh!'

The two women looked at each other for a moment. Mom didn't know whether to
laugh or cry. As she stooped down to hug the child, she did a little of
both.

'Mom, every time you hold me, I sigh. When you and Daddy come home from
work and hug each other, you both sigh. I knew I would find the right puppy
if it sighed when I held it in my arms,' she said. Then, holding the puppy
up close to her face, she said, 'Mom, he loves me. I heard the sighs of his
heart!'

Close your eyes for a moment and think about the love that Makes you sigh.
I not only find it in the arms of my loved ones, but in the caress of a
sunset, the kiss of the moonlight and the gentle brush of cool air on a hot
day.
They are the sighs of God. Take the time to stop and listen; you will be
surprised at what you hear. 'Life is not measured by the breaths we take,
but by the moments that take Our breath away.'

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Fwd: Up The Creek WITH A Paddle.
 Click here

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Haz
Fwd: Incredible golf skills
 Click here

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Haz
Fwd: SSM debate
 Click here

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Haz
Fwd: : Best Gender Poster of The Year
 Click here

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It's fun
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
Just keep smiling.......

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Visiting Grandma.
 Click here

We all went to visit Grandma. She was so pleased to see us. She's getting
old, and her eyesight is waning.

We wanted to help her enjoy this final stage of her life, have quality time
with her, and enjoy our visits to help remember her when she's gone.

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Best costume ever
 Click here
OK. time for the first of the Xmas jokes  ....

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Dead Penguins

Very interesting…read all the way to the end…
Dead Penguins - I never knew this!

Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in
Antarctica?  Where do they go?
Wonder no more!!!!!!!  It is a known fact that the penguin is a very
ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life.  The
penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as
maintain a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its
life.

If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family
and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their
vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird
to be rolled into, and buried.

The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:

"Freeze a jolly good fellow."
"Freeze a jolly good fellow."

You didn't really believe that I know anything about penguins, did you?

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Business is business in New York

A clearly inebriated woman, stark naked, jumped into a taxi in New York
City and laid on the back seat.

The cab driver, an older man originally from eastern Europe, opened his
eyes wide and stared at the woman.

He made no attempt to start the cab. The woman glared back at him and said,
"What's wrong with you, honey? Haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?"

The old driver answered, "Let me tell you sumsing, lady. I vasn't staring
at you like you tink; dat vould not be proper."

The woman giggled and responded, "Well, if you're not staring at my boobs
or my butt, sweetie, what are you doing then?"

He paused a moment, then told her, "Vell... M'am, I am looking and I am
looking, and I am tinking to myself, vair in da hell is dis lady keeping de
money to pay for dis ride?"

Now, that's a businessman!

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Fw: FIRST SENIOR MOMENT ON RECORD.
 Click here

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Are You Getting Old? [XXX]

I'm definitely getting old.
No, on second thought, I AM old.
You know how young women like to flirt and tease old men?
Well, a neighbor gal recently “sexted� me this picture and
asked, "Well old man, what do you think?"
 Click here
I texted her back...
"You need to clean up your room."

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American Medical Association

The American Medical Association has weighed in on Trump's proposed health
care package to replace Obama-care:

The Allergists were in favour of scratching it, but the Dermatologists
advised not to make any rash moves.

The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the
Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.

Meanwhile, Obstetricians felt certain everyone was labouring under a
misconception, while the Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted.

Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the Pediatricians said,
"Oh, grow up!"

The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the
Radiologists could see right through it.

Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing and the Internists
claimed it would indeed be a bitter pill to swallow.

The Plastic Surgeons opined that this proposal would "put a whole new face
on the matter."

The Pediatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were
pissed off at the whole idea.

Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and those lofty
Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.

In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to
the assholes in Washington

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Bullockornis (The Demon-Duck of Doom, once lived in Australia) 
 Click here

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Air Filter Needs Fixing
 Click here

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Good Cops
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here

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T-Shirts
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here

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Officer Michael Plumb
 Click here

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Robert Lassalvy - French Cartoonist - Something different
 Click here

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Photos
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

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Look I Caught One
 Click here

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Sun Photos
 Click here
Photos made Special by the Sun

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Lightning Strike
 Click here
It's amazing that someone always has their phone pointed in the right
direction, at the right time.

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How to Load a Bobcat
 Click here

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Clever dog...
 Click here

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Funnies
 Click here Click here Click here

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      Ah-the-eah the-eah That's All (for this week) Folks!

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[ End friday humour ]

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