Friday humour - October 20, 2017

 From Burnout @ Bluehaze:

From: Anonymous3
Subject: Thoughts

Funnies
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here

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From: Burnout
Subject: Management strategies

The tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians, passed on from generation to
generation, says that:

“When you discover that you are riding a dead horse, best strategy is to
dismount."

However, in government, more advanced strategies are often employed,
such as:

1. Buying a stronger whip.
2. Changing riders.
3. Appointing a committee of highly paid Barristers to study the horse.
4. Arranging to visit other countries to see how other cultures ride dead
horses.
5. Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be included.
6. Reclassifying the dead horse as living-impaired.
7. Hiring outside contractors to ride the dead horse.
8. Harnessing several dead horses together to increase speed.
9. Providing additional funding and/or training to increase the dead
horse's performance.
10. Hiring a firm of city consultants to complete a productivity study to
see if lighter riders would improve the dead horse's performance.
11. Consulting ‘academics’, who after much debate, declare
that as the dead horse does not have to be fed, it is less costly, carries
lower overhead and therefore contributes substantially more to the bottom
line of the economy than do some other horses.
12. Rewriting the expected performance requirements for all horses.

And of course....
13. Promoting the dead horse to a supervisory position.

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From: Seasoldier
Subject: Sunday Prayer

In church last Sunday,
I heard a sweet elderly lady in the pew next to me saying a prayer.
It was so innocent and sincere that I just had to share it with you:
"Dear Lord - The last few years have been very tough.
You have taken my favourite actor - Paul Newman;

My favorite actress - Elizabeth Taylor;
My favorite singer - Andy Williams;
My favorite author - Tom Clancy,
and now my favorite comedian - Robin Williams.

Just wanted you to know that my favourite politician is Donald Trump

Subject: Penis Van Lesbian

Back in the 1950's, a man walked into a Hollywood agent's office. He told
the agent that he wanted to be a big star and that he wanted the agent to
represent him. The agent asked the man's name.

He proudly replied, "Penis Van Lesbian"!

Taken aback by this, the agent said, "If you want to be a big star, you
will have to change your name."

The man, extremely offended, told the agent, "The Van Lesbian name goes
back centuries, and I am very proud of my name! I will never change my
name! Never!"

"Then I won't be able to represent you," said the agent.

"Then good day to you, sir!" the man yelled as he stormed out of the
office.

A decade later, the agent received a letter along with a check for $100,000
made out to him! He wondered if it was sent to him by mistake until he read
the letter.

   -----

Dear Sir:

Ten years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in
Hollywood, and you told me I needed to change my name. Determined to make
it with my birth name, I refused. You told me I would never make it in
Hollywood with a name like Penis Van Lesbian.

After I left your office, I thought about what you said. I decided you were
right. I had to change my name. I had too much pride to return to your
office, so I signed with another agent. I wouldn't ever have made it
without changing my name, so the enclosed check is a token of my
appreciation. Thank you for your advice.

Sincerely,
Dick Van Dyke

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From: Wally
Subject: House of Ill Repute

See if you can work this out:

There was a brothel at the top of a hill, with a large red light at the
bottom of the hill..
There were four men ....one was walking briskly up the hill;
one was inside the brothel;
one was walking slowly down the hill and the fourth man was sitting in his
car at the bottom of the hill.
What were the nationalities of the four men?

hmmmmmm

* The man going up the hill: was rushin

* The man in the brothel: him-a-layin

* The man walking down the hill: was finish

Now wait for it ..
Ya gonna love this .............................. ......................

* The man in the car at the bottom was Irish, and he was waiting for the
light to turn green!

Subject: Underwater Photography Contest 2017

Contest have recently announced their winning photos for 2017. The winner,
Gabriel Barathieu, beat entrants from 67 countries around the world with
his stunning photograph of an octopus in the lagoon of the island of
Mayotte. Prizes and commendations were also awarded for a number of
categories, including Macro, Wide Angle, Wrecks, Up & coming, Behavior,
Compact, and in British Waters. Below are 12 of our favorites.

Click on images to enlarge

1. Underwater Photographer of the Year, 2017 - Dancing Octopus
 Click here

Photo: Gabriel Barathieu
This photo was shot in the lagoon of Mayotte, during a low tide in
spring, on May 7, 2016. The photographer had to get as close to the animal
as possible to create this effect. He was using a 14mm ultra wide angle
lens with extremely good close focus which is what gives this effect of
great size.

2. Commended, Macro - Larval Lionfish
 Click here

Photo: Steven Kovacs
This image was shot during a black water drift dive in Palm Beach, Florida.
The photographer was looking for alien looking pelagic animals, plankton,
and the larval stages of creatures that drift out to the ocean during their
early stages of development. Many of the animals seen during these type of
dives are very small and disappear quickly when illuminated by dive lights,
so it can be challenging to get a beautiful photograph such as this.

3. Winner, Macro - Prey?
 Click here

Photo: So Yat Wai
This photograph was taking during a black water dive in Anilao,
Philippines. Even though the larvae mantis shrimp, which can be seen on the
left, is very small, it is still a predator which uses it raptorial
appendages to hunt prey. Has it just spotted its dinner and is about to
pounce?

4. Commended, Portrait - Green Turtles in the Rays
 Click here
Photo: Greg Lecoeur
During a diving trip in Tenerife, the photographer was lucky enough
to come across these green turtles. This image was taken early morning,
just as the sunbeams pierced the surface. The photographer adjusted the
settings on his camera and waited until the turtles came close enough to
trigger his camera.

5. Third Place, Behavior - Cleaner
 Click here
Photo: Liang Fu
The photographer found this cleaner stations at 26 meters deep. On the
first dive down, he took a few front-facing photos with the cleaner shrimps
in the moray eel's mouth. However, when he was surfacing, he liked the idea
of taking a photo from the side, with the eel's mouth wide open and the
cleaner shrimp inside.  So on his second dive, he hoped, and he got what he
was looking for.

6. Winner, Wrecks - The Wreck of the Louilla at Sunset
 Click here
Photo: Csaba Tökölyi
This is the wreck of Louilla resting on top of Gordon reef in the
Straits of Tiran on the edge of the Sinai. Beneath her you can see her
anchor chains, in the shape of a whale. Wrecks become part of the ecosystem
in next to no time, as soft corals develop quickly and become shelters for
schools of juvenile fish. However, they can also have a devastating effect
on their surroundings. This wreck sits on top of Gordon Reef, and is slowly
deteriorating due to waves and weathering.

7. Highly commended, Portrait - Imp of Darkness
 Click here
Photos: Damien Mauric
On his visit to the Galapagos Islands, Darwin was disgusted by the
iguanas' appearance, writing: "The black lava rocks on the beach are
frequented by large, disgusting clumsy lizards. They are as black as the
porous rocks over which the crawl and seek their prey from the sea. I call
them 'imps of darkness'. They assuredly well-become the land they inhabit."
The photographer, on a trip to these islands, was fortunate enough to share
a moment with this now endangered species.

8. British Underwater Photographer of the Year 2017 - Out of the Blue
Kukulkan Cenote
 Click here
Photo: Nick Blake
This photo was taken in Mexico's Yucatan Peninsula. The photographer left
his strobe behind for the natural light shot he wanted and positioned
himself in the shadows of the cavern. Moving his eye around the viewfinder,
he could see that the rock outline of the cavern made for pleasing
symmetry, and he adjusted his position to balance the frame. The light show
flickered on and off as the sun was periodically covered by cloud, and as
it reappeared he asked his dive buddy to enter the shot, completing the
composition.

9. Commended, Behavior - Toads Mating
 Click here
Photo: Luc Rooman
The photographer had been following toads mating in the fresh water lake of
Turnhout (Belgium) - usually in the months of April and March when the
weather conditions are humid. The toads in this image are in the shallow
areas of the lake where the photographer could take photos using the
natural light and a snorkel.

10. Winner, Wide angle - One in a Million
 Click here
Photos: Ron Watkins
Last summer the photographer headed to Alaska in order to photograph salmon
sharks. They were cruising for hours looking for dorsal fins, and that is
when they came across an enormous moon jellyfish bloom that covered hundred
of meters. The dense bloom of jellyfish ranged in depth from 2-20 meters
and the photographer spent a lot of time in the water with them. He came
across this Lion's Mane Jellyfish rising from the bloom towards the
surface, so he positioned himself directly over it to capture this image.

11. Highly Commended, Macro - Back Light Shrimp
 Click here
Photo:  Fábio Freitas
Shrimps are difficult subjects to photograph; you have to portray
their beautiful colors and shape, while focusing on their eyes. In the late
afternoon, this photographer was diving in his favorite dive site in
Bonaire, when he came across this shrimp underneath a rock in a perfect
position to make a backlighting technique, using continuous lighting.

12. Highly Commended, Up and Coming - Medusa Blenny on the Lookout
 Click here
Photo: Jade Hoksbergen
This photographer's fascination with blennies started in early 2016
when she was living in Saint Lucia and she got her hands on an underwater
camera for the very first time. She believes that blennies make for
interesting subjects due to their range of facial expressions, sometimes
akin to the grimaces one would associate with gargoyles. For this image,
she wanted to illustrate the intricate detail of this blenny while showing
how its texture and color helps it to blend in with its environment.

13. Highly Commended, Behavior - Dolphins Hunting
 Click here
Photo: Greg Lecoeur
Since last year, sardines have become victims of climate change and
overfishing. They are the main food source of much marine life, such as sea
lions, penguins, sharks, and dolphins. During their migration along the
coast, all the predators work in tandem to hunt sardines, but the action
has become more and more unpredictable. To capture this image, the
photographer had to spend several days on the ocean. This photo was taken
near Port Saint Johns, South Africa, on June 27, 2016.

14. Winner, Behavior - Your Home and My Home
 Click here
Photo: Qing Lin
Clown fish and anemones share a symbiotic relationship. The parasitic
isopods like to hang out in the mouths of the fish - maybe this is why they
often open their mouths. The fish in the photo were very curious, and as
the photographer approached, they danced around his lens. It took the
photographer six dives, patience and a lot of luck to capture the exact
moment when all three fish opened their mouths to reveal their guests. This
image was taken near Lembeh, Indonesia, on December 2, 2016.

Subject: 2 of the Best

WTF Number 14
 Click here
Best 2 are at the
0.11 mark (motor bike)
7.45 mark (girl in red top)

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From: Arfermo
Subject: Mp4 stuff
 Click here Click here Click here

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From: Duke of Barsinov
Subject: Kookaburra channelled by Lyre bird
 Click here

Subject: Little Johnny meets Trump

Donald Trump was visiting a primary school in
Orlando and visited a grade four class. They were in the middle of a
discussion related to words and their meanings.

The teacher asked Mr. Trump if he would like to lead the discussion on the
word 'tragedy.' So our illustrious Republican candidate asked the class for
an example of a 'tragedy'.

One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a
farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs him over and kills him,
that would be a tragedy."

"No," said Trump, "that would be an accident."

A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove
off a cliff, killing everyone, that would be a tragedy."

"I'm afraid not," explained Trump. "That's what we would call great loss."

The room went silent.  No other child volunteered.  Trump searched
the room."Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a
tragedy?"

Finally at the back of the room, Little Johnny raised his hand.  The
teacher held her breath.

In a quiet voice he said: "If the plane carrying you was struck by a
'friendly fire' missile and blown to smithereens that would be a tragedy."

"Fantastic!" exclaimed Trump, "That's right.  And can you tell me why
that would be a tragedy?"

"Well," says Johnny, "It has to be a tragedy, because it sure as hell
wouldn't be a great loss... And you can bet your sweet ass it wouldn't be
an accident either!"

The teacher left the room....

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From: Seasoldier
Subject: The frustrated woman.

A rather ˜frustrated woman went to the supermarket to try to take her mind
off her overly erotic thoughts.
As she moved through the aisles she saw bananas and apples and so many
things that made her recall rather than forget her erotic mood.
She ended up buying far more than she needed.
When she arrived at the checkout there was a young man packing bags.
As he packed her bags his muscles gleamed under the fluorescent lights and
she could make out the contours of his fit body under his tight T-shirt and
trousers.  She could hardly control herself.
After she paid she asked the young man if he could help her to her car with
her many heavy bags of groceries.
The young man willingly obliged.
She placed her hand on the young man’s bum and said I have an itchy
pussy.
To which the young man replied You’ll have to show me where it is because
all these Japanese cars look the same to me.

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Disaster!
 Click here

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From: Wally

Subject: Cruise Ships from Above
 Click here
Caribbean Princess, Carnival Sensation, Norwegian Sky, Disney Dream,
Freedom of the Seas, Carnival Victory

Subject: Michael Fish Moment
 Click here

Today is Michael Fish Day (15th October)

On, Oct 15, 1987, when BBC TV weatherman Michael Fish opened his forecast,
with the remark, "Earlier on today, apparently, a woman rang the BBC, and
said she heard there was a hurricane on the way, well, if you're watching,
don't worry, there isn't." A few hours later, the worst storm in 300 years
hit Britain, killing 18 people. Though, in Fish's defense, it technically
wasn't a hurricane, it was an extratropical cyclone.

In the UK, whenever anyone makes a really bad prediction, it's still known
as a "Michael Fish Moment." He actually has his "Michael Fish Moment" in
several dictionaries, and Wikipedia.

 Click here

Subject: Light Only Please
 Click here

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From: Whizzbang
Subject:  MR SWAN THE GARDENER
 Click here

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Quote of the Week:

Anybody can jump a motorcycle,
the trouble starts when you try to land it.

  - Evel Knievel.

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[ End friday humour ]

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