Friday humour - October 13, 2017

Friday Humour is brought to you this week by our contributors: Arfermo,
Burnout, Deano, Duke of Barsinov, Haz, Seasoldier, Wally and Whizzbang.

An apple a day keeps anyone away if you throw it hard enough.

Enjoy!

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Unusual facts

You're gonna say "I didn't know that!" at least 5 times. Really neat stuff
here:

Alaska

More than half of the coastline of the entire
United States is in Alaska.

Amazon

The Amazon rain forest produces more than 20% of the world's oxygen supply

The Amazon River pushes so much water into the Atlantic Ocean that, more
than one hundred miles at sea off the mouth of the river, one can dip fresh
water out of the ocean. The volume of water in the Amazon river is greater
than the next eight largest rivers in the world combined and three times
the flow of all rivers in the United States.

Antarctica

Antarctica is the only land on our planet that is not owned by any country.
Ninety percent of the world's ice covers Antarctica. This ice also
represents seventy percent of all the fresh water in the world. As strange
as it sounds, however, Antarctica is essentially a desert; the average
yearly total precipitation is about two inches. Although covered with ice
(all but 0.4% of it, ice.), Antarctica is the driest place on the planet,
with an absolute humidity lower than the Gobi desert.

Brazil

Brazil got its name from the nut, not the other way around.

Canada

Canada has more lakes than the rest of the world combined. Canada is an
Indian word meaning ' Big Village'.

Chicago

Next to Warsaw, Chicago has the largest
Polish population in the world.

Detroit

Woodward Avenue in Detroit, Michigan, carries the designation M-1, so named
because it was the first paved road anywhere.

Damascus , Syria

Damascus, Syria, was flourishing a couple of thousand years before Rome was
founded in 753 BC making it the oldest continuously inhabited city in
existence.

Istanbul , Turkey

Istanbul, Turkey, is the only city in the world located on two continents.

Los Angeles

The full name of Los Angeles is: l Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina de Los
Angeles de Porciuncula -- and can be abbreviated to 3.63% of its size: L.A.

New York City

The term 'The Big Apple' was coined by touring jazz musicians of the 1930s
who used the slang expression 'apple' for any town or city. Therefore, to
play New York City Is to play the big time - The Big Apple.

There are more Irish in New York City than in Dublin, Ireland;
more Italians in New York City than in Rome, Italy;
and more Jews in New York City than in Tel Aviv, Israel

Ohio

There are no natural lakes in the state of Ohio,
every one is man-made.

Pitcairn Island

The smallest island with country status is Pitcairn in Polynesia, at just
1.75 sq. miles/4,53 sq Km.

Rome

The first city to reach a population of 1 million people was Rome, Italy
(in 133 B.C.)

There is a city called Rome on every continent.

Siberia

Siberia contains more than 25% of the world's forests.

S.M.O.M.

The actual smallest sovereign entity in the world
Is the Sovereign Military Order of Malta S.M.O.M).
It is located in the city of Rome, Italy, and has an area of two tennis
courts. And, as of 2001, has a population of 80, 20 less people than the
Vatican..
It is a sovereign entity under international law,
just as the Vatican is.

Sahara Desert

In the Sahara Desert , there is a town named Tidikelt, Algeria, that did
not receive a drop of rain for ten years. Technically, though, the driest
place on Earth is in the valleys of the Antarctic near Ross Island.
There has been no rainfall there for two million years

Spain

Spain literally means 'the land of rabbits'.

St. Paul , Minnesota

St. Paul , Minnesota , was originally called Pig's Eye after a man named
Pierre 'Pig's Eye' Parrant who set up the first business there.

Roads

Chances that a road is unpaved:
in the U.S.A = 1%;
in Canada = 75%

Russia

The deepest hole ever drilled by man is the Kola Superdeep Borehole, in
Russia. It reached a depth of 12,261 meters (about 40,226 feet or 7.62
miles.) It was drilled for scientific research and gave up some unexpected
discoveries, one of which was a huge deposit of hydrogen - so massive that
the mud coming from the hole was boiling with it.

United States

The Eisenhower interstate system requires that one mile in every five must
be straight. These straight sections are usable as airstrips in times of
war or other emergencies.

Waterfalls

The water of Angel Falls (the world's highest) in Venezuela drops 3,212
feet (979 meters.) They are 15 times higher than Niagara Falls

I have always said, you should learn something new every day.
Unfortunately, many of us are at that age where what we learn today, we
forget tomorrow.

But, give it a shot anyway

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The Dot

Finally someone has cleared this mystery up...
For centuries Hindu women have worn a dot (Tikka) on their foreheads.
Most of us have naively thought this was connected with marriage or
religion,
but the Indian High Commission in Canberra has recently revealed the true
story.
When a Hindu woman gets married, she brings a dowry into the union.
On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the dot to see whether he
has won a:
A - Taxi licence in Adelaide, Melbourne or Sydney
B - 7/11 store in Melbourne.
C - Service station in Perth.
D - Kebab shop in Brisbane.
E - Take away cafe� in Sydney.
If there is nothing there, he must stay in India and take a job answering
telephones giving technical advice to Telstra customers in
Australia.

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Last week a guy in a turban comes into the servo.

"I would be wanting to buy some toilet paper, what kind do you have and how
much does it cost?" he enquired with his wobbling head.

"We have Kleenex for $1.39 a roll, Bowater Scott that costs $1.25 a roll or
no-name brand for $0.79 a roll." I answered.

"I'll be having two rolls of the no-name brand, thank you".

Last night he came back. "You should be calling the no-name brand toilet
paper John Wayne toilet paper."

"Why John Wayne?"

"Coz it's rough and its tough and it don't take no **** off an Indian!"

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Old man

An elderly man, looking about 100 years old, and on a Moped, pulls up next
to a doctor at a street light.

The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, 'What kind of car
ya got there, sonny?'
The doctor replies, 'A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars'

'That's a lot of money,' says the old man. 'Why does it cost so much?
'Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!' states the
doctor proudly.
The Moped driver asks, 'Mind if I take a look inside?'
'No problem,' replies the doctor.

So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then, sitting
back on his Moped, the old man says, 'That's a pretty nice car, all right..
But I'll stick with my Moped!'

Just then the light changes, so the doctor decides to show the old man just
what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer
reads 160 kph. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems
to be getting closer.He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly
WHOOOOSSSHHH Something whips by him going much faster!

'What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?' the doctor asks
himself.
He presses harder on the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 250 kph.
Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the Moped!  Amazed
that the Moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the
Moped at 275 kph. He's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and
sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN! Astounded by the speed of this old
guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320
kph. Not ten seconds later, he sees the Moped bearing down on him again!
The Ferrari is flat out, and there's nothing he can do!

Suddenly, the Moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the
rear end. The doctor stops and jumps out and, unbelievably, the old man is
still alive.
He runs up to the banged-up old guy and says, 'I'm a doctor.... Is there
anything I can do for you?'

The old man whispers, 'Unhook my fucking braces from your side mirror'

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The Girl Across the Street

She's single ... she lives right across the street and I can see her place
from my kitchen window!

I watched as she got home from work this evening!  I was surprised when she
walked across the street, up my driveway and knocked on the door!

I opened the door, she looked at me and said: "I just got home, and I have
this strong urge to go dancing and drinking, and maybe fool around a little
... you know, have some fun.  Are you doing anything tonight?"

"No, I'm free!" I quickly replied.

"Great!" she said. "Can you look after my dog ?"

Being a senior citizen is really for the birds !!

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O M G (GOLF)

Two women were playing golf.

One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a
foursome of men playing the adjoining fairway.

The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at
his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.
'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could
relieve your pain if you'd allow me,' she told him.

'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man
replied.

He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his
hands together at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally
allowed her to help.

She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his
pants and put her hands inside.

She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and
asked,

'How does that feel?'

He replied, 'It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken.'

Have a great day.

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As I Get Older...

#1  -  I talk to myself, because there are times I need expert advice.

#2  -  I consider "On Trend" to be the clothes that still fit.

#3  -  I don't need anger management.  I need people to stop  pissing me
off.

#4  -  My people skills are just fine.  It's my tolerance for idiots that
needs work.

#5  -  The biggest lie I tell myself is, "I don't need to write that down. 
I'll remember it."

#6  -  I have days when my life is just a tent away from a circus.

#7  -  These days, "on time" is when I get there.

#8  -  Even duct tape can't fix stupid - but it sure does muffle the sound.

#9  -  Wouldn't it be wonderful if we could put ourselves in the dryer for
ten minutes, then come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller?

#10  -  Lately, I've noticed people my age are so much older than me.

#11  -  "Getting lucky" means walking into  a room and remembering why I'm
there.

#12  -  When I was a child, I thought nap time was punishment..  Now it
feels like a mini vacation.

#13  -  Some days I have no idea what I'm doing out of bed.

#14  -  I thought growing old would take longer.

#15  -  Aging sure has slowed me down, but it hasn't shut me up.

#16  -  I still haven't learned to act my age.

And remember..... Youth is a gift of nature.  Age is a work of art.

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Warning to all Golfers

A golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to the
hospital. Just before he was put under, the surgeon popped in to see him.

"I have some good news and some bad news," says the surgeon. "The bad news
is that I have to remove your right arm!"

"Oh God no!" cries the man "My golfing is over!

Please Doc, what's the good news?"

"The good news is, I have another one to replace it with, but it's a
woman's arm and I'll need your permission before I go ahead with the
transplant."

"Go for it doc," says the man, "as long as I can play golf again."

The operation went well and a year later the man was out on the golf course
when he bumped into the surgeon.

"Hi, how's the new arm?" asks the surgeon. "Just great," says the
businessman. "I'm playing the best golf of my life. My new arm has a much
finer touch and my putting has really improved."

"That's great," said the surgeon.

"Not only that," continued the golfer, "my handwriting has improved, I've
learned how to sew my own clothes and I've even taken up painting
landscapes in watercolors."

"That's unbelievable!" said the surgeon, "I'm so glad to hear the
transplant was such a great success. Are you having any side effects?"

"Well, just two, said the golfer, "I have trouble parallel parking and
every time I get an erection, I get a headache."

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BILLY BOY

Students at a local school were assigned to read 2 books, 'Titanic' by
James Cameron and 'My Life' by Bill Clinton.

One student turned in the following book report with the proposition that
they were nearly identical stories!

His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report.

Titanic: Cost - $29.99
Clinton : Cost - $29.99

Titanic: Over 3 hours to read.
Clinton : Over 3 hours to read.

Titanic: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love and subsequent
catastrophe.
Clinton : The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love and subsequent
catastrophe.

Titanic: Jack is a starving artist.
Clinton : Bill is a bullshit artist..

Titanic: In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.

Clinton : Ditto for Bill.

Titanic: During the ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
Clinton : Ditto for Monica.

Titanic: Jack teaches Rose to spit.
Clinton : Let's not go there.

Titanic: Rose gets to keep her jewellery.
Clinton : Monica is forced to return her gifts.

Titanic: Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
Clinton : Clinton doesn't remember anything.

Titanic: Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
Clinton : Monica.. Ooh, let's not go there, either.

Titanic: Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Clinton : Bill goes home to Hillary - basically the same thing.

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Once Upon A Time

Once upon a time there were two nuns, one was known as Sister Mathematical
(SM), and the other one as Sister Logical (SL).
It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.
SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past 38�
minutes?  I wonder what he wants.
SL: It's logical.  He wants to violate us.
SM: Oh, no!  At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most!  What
can we do?
SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.
A little while later...
SM: It's not working.
SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He
started to walk faster, too.
SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in 1 minute.
SL: The only logical thing we can do is split.  You go that way and I'll go
this way.  He cannot follow us both.
So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.
Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has
happened to Sister Logical.
Then Sister Logical arrives.
SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!
SL: The only logical thing happened.  The man couldn't follow us both, so
he followed me.
SM: Yes, yes!  But what happened then?
SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could
and he started to run as fast as he could.
SM: And?
SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.
SM: Oh, dear!  What did you do?
SL : I lifted my dress up
SM: Oh, Sister!  What did the man do?
SL: He pulled down his pants.
SM: Oh, no!  What happened then?
SL: Isn't it logical, Sister?  A nun with her dress up can run faster than
a man with his pants down.
And for those of you who thought it would be dirty . . .
Say two Hail Mary's and be logical and forward this email to your friends!
Moral of the Story is:
LOGIC BEATS MATH ANYTIME.
And Math cannot survive without Logic

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XXXX Irish Confession XXXX

I went into the confessional box after many years of being away from the
Catholic Church.
Inside I found a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On one wall,
there was a row of decanters with fine Irish whiskey and Waterford crystal
glasses. On the other wall was a dazzling array of the finest cigars and
chocolates.
When the priest came in, I said to him, "Father, forgive me, for it's been
a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that
the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be."
He replied, "You moron, you're on my side."

Some Light Dublin Traffic Humour

A car full of Irish nuns are sitting at a traffic light in downtown Dublin
when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up alongside of them.
"Hey, show us yer teets, ya bloody penguins., shouts one of the drunks.
Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary Immaculata and says, "I
don't think they know who we are; show them your cross."
Sister Mary Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, "Piss off, ya
fookin' little wankers, before I come over there and rip yer balls off."
She then rolls up her window, looks back at Mother Superior quite
innocently, and asks, "Did that sound cross enough?"

AN IRISH BLONDE IN A CASINO

An attractive blonde from Cork, Ireland arrived at the casino. She seemed a
little intoxicated and bet twenty-thousand Euros on a single roll of the
dice.
She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm
completely naked."
With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an
Irish brogue yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed: "YES! YES!
I WON, I WON!"
She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings (and her
clothes) and quickly departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked,
"What did she roll?"
The other answered,"I don't know - I thought you were watching the dice."

=================================

Tweet of the Week!

An actual tweet from Chicago:
"I thought my vasectomy would keep my wife from getting pregnant,
but apparently it just changes the color of the baby."

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BURGLARY IN FLORIDA
(You just can't make this stuff up!!)

When southern Florida resident Nathan Radlich's house was burglarized
recently, thieves ignored his wide screen plasma TV, his VCR, and even left
his Rolex watch.

What they did take, however, was a white box filled with a grayish-white
powder. (That's the way the police report described it.)

A spokesman for the Fort Lauderdale police said that it looked similar to
high grade cocaine and they'd probably thought they'd hit the big time.

Later, Nathan stood in front of numerous TV cameras and pleaded with the
burglars: 'Please return the cremated remains of my sister,
Gertrude. She died three years ago.'

The next morning, the bullet-riddled corpse of a local drug dealer known as
Hoochie Pevens was found on Nathan's doorstep. The white box was there too;
about half of Gertrude's ashes remained.

Scotch taped to the box was this note which said: "Hoochie sold us the
bogus blow so we wasted Hoochie. Sorry we snorted your sister. No hard
feelings. Have a nice day."

And you thought California was the land of fruits and nuts.

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2016 Rewind (Brilliant)
 Click here

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Jozef Urban [XXX]

1st October - A professional runner let it all out during a marathon in
Slovakia, sprinting the last leg of the race, with his penis fully exposed
in front of cheering fans. Jozef Urban, 31, was nearing the end of the
Kosice Peace Marathon on Sunday, when his running shorts failed him,
leaving him completely in the wind. It's unclear if Urban was aware that he
was exposing himself, as he finished the marathon, passing other runners,
and race officials along the way.
 Click here

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Angel Falls (Highest Waterfall in the World)
 Click here

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Balls
 Click here

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*Oilfield Dodge..... Enjoy!*

*The real 4x4 - 93+ years ago..... *

*And this  is only a "TWO rear wheel drive"....*

*We whine about a few pot holes??? *

*This old film is absolutely incredible*/*!!!!!*/**

Oilfield Dodge
 Click here

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The Indian With One Testicle

There once was an Indian who had only one testicle

and whose given name was 'Onestone'.

He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.

After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked it and said,

"If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!"

The word got around and nobody called him that any more.

Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said,

'Good morning, Onestone.'

He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made
love to her all day and all night.

He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.

The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do.

Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman
named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away.

Yellow Bird, who was BlueBird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw
Onestone.

She hugged him and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.'

Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to
her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day,
made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!

Why ???

OH, come on... take a guess !!!

Think about it !!!

Everyone knows...

You can't kill Two Birds

with OneStone!!!

OUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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So much for the New Security Checks
 Click here

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Herschel the Magnificent Jew
 Click here

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How true this is!
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here

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Magic...at its best! I promise you will be amazed with this
 Click here

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Burka Beware!!!
 Click here

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Catching up with The afterlife...
 Click here

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Impatience
 Click here

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History Lesson
 Click here

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Der Bunninks Symphony Orkestra
 Click here

Very clever..........

You can practice this at home in your shed ... don't forget to bring your
friends along.

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Show them to me....
 Click here

Something to cheer us all up!

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Irresistable ...
 Click here

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How to use an inhaler.
 Click here

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Hey There Hockey Fans
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

How come we never get to see signs like these on TV??

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Civilization in 2017- this is priceless!!!
 Click here

WELCOME to 2017

Our Phones - Wireless

Cooking - Fireless

Cars - Keyless

Food - Fatless

Tires -Tubeless

Dress - Sleeveless

Youth -  Jobless

Leaders - Shameless

Relationships - Meaningless

Attitudes - Careless

Babies - Fatherless

Feelings -  Heartless

Education - Valueless

Children – Mannerless

Bills - Paperless

We are-SPEECHLESS,

Government-is CLUELESS,

And our Politician-are WORTHLESS

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NT News - Bum Steer
 Click here

One unfortunate steer who ventured down to the water's edge from Adelaide
River Station, in Australia's Northern Territory, met his fateful death,
when one of the crocs sniffed out a potential bovine banquet.

Adelaide River Tours owner Kelly Julicher was on a tour when she spotted
the feeding frenzy unfolding in the water. "We had a boatload of guests
with us at the time who got to watch the big group of crocs enjoying a
feast of steer," she said. "This is the second time in four weeks we've
seen a steer.
I guess he came down for a drink as it was so hot, got stuck in the mud,
and the poor bugger ended up being croc's lunch."

Ms. Julicher also said "Five salties (Saltwater Crocodiles) were nibbling
away at the beefy mass, but one big croc, about 5.5m long, made sure his
Sunday steak wasn't getting away from him, and grabbed the steer by the
head, and took it for a walk up the river. Five others were lingering
around on the fringes, waiting for their chance to have a go at it, but
this big boy was boss, I reckon he travelled 3km going with the tide, to
get some peace and quiet."

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Dick-Head

A Taliban suicide bomber stopped and searched by police, was found with a
metal shield around his penis.

Asked about the purpose of this protection, his response was:

"I want to keep my penis intact after the explosion, so as not to have
sexual problems, when I get my 72 virgins in heaven!"

Just wondering - is this the true interpretation of a Dick-Head?

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Irish Sick Note
 Click here

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Only in Amsterdam
 Click here Click here

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Croc News
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

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Same sex marriage poll [XXX]
 Click here

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MV Rena
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MV Rena ran aground on Astrolabe Reef, off the north coast of New Zealand.
They lost 300 containers, and it took 3 months, before the ship eventually
broke in half, and sank.

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3 X Photos
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Modern Firefighting
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6 X Photos
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Authentic Irish humour.
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

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There's a fine line between genius and crazy. I like to use that line
as a jump rope. - Anonymous

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[ End friday humour ]

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