Friday humour - October 06, 2017

From Haz@bluehaze

As always, thanks to all the contributors as that’s what keeps this going

After what happened in Vegas – I’m glad I live in Australia and can
keep focusing on important things like who is winning a grand final in
whichever code or the speed of our internet,  rather than offending gun
lobbyists while waiting for the next big mass shooting – but of course
this is being blamed on weak hotel windows or lax security on the lobby
rather than the real issue

Our thoughts and prayers are with the victims and their  families

Haz

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Contributed by : Duke of Barsinov

A truly amazing card magician; give it a few minutes of your time to see
what he does (and never play poker with him!).
 Click here

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Contributed by : JC

A Nice Cup of Tea By George Orwell
 Click here

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Contributed by : JC

Solution to the Tombstone puzzle
 Click here

In case no one had alerted you to the solution, this site claims to have
the solution.

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Contributed by : Seasoldier

Don't Mess with Seniors

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive,
double-pane, energy-efficient kind.
Today, I got a call from Home Depot who installed them. The caller
complained that the work had been completed a year ago and I still hadn't
paid for them.
Helloooo,........... just because I'm a Senior Citizen doesn't mean that I
am automatically mentally challenged.
So, I told him just what his fast-talking sales guy told me last year
--that these windows would pay for themselves in a year---
Hellooooo? It's been a year, so they're paid for, I told him.
There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally hung up.
He never called back.  I bet he felt like an idiot.

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Contributed by : Seasoldier
+
Late Night Vet Call...

Her dog was in heat, but she agreed to look after her neighbor's male dog,
while the neighbor was on vacation.
She had a large house and she believed that she could keep the two dogs
apart. However, as she was drifting off to sleep, she heard awful howling
sounds.

She rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together and unable to
disengage, as frequently happens when dogs mate.

Unable to separate them, and perplexed as to what to do next, and although,
it was very late at night, she called her vet, who answered in a very
grumpy voice.

After she explained the problem to him, the vet said, "Hang up the phone
and place it down alongside the dogs.

I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male
lose his erection and he will be able to withdraw."

"Do you think that will work?" she asked.

"Just worked for me," he replied.

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Contributed by : Seasoldier

Following the rules...for 11 min

A State Trooper was patrolling late at night off the main Highway. At
nearly midnight, he sees a couple in a car, in Lovers' Lane, with the
interior light brightly glowing.

He carefully approaches The car to get a closer look. Then he sees a young
man behind the Wheel, reading a computer magazine.

He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, filing her
fingernails.

Puzzled by this surprising situation, the trooper walks to the car and
Gently raps on the driver's window. The young man lowers his window. "Uh,
yes, Officer?"

The trooper asks, "What are you doing?"

The young man says, "Well, Officer, I'm reading a magazine."

Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the trooper says, "And
her, what is she doing?"

The young man shrugs, "Sir, I believe she's filing her fingernails."

Now, the trooper is totally confused. A young couple, alone, in a car, At
night in a Lover's Lane and nothing obscene is happening!

The trooper asks, "What's your age, young man?"

The young man says, "I'm 22, sir."

The trooper asks,  "And her, what's her age?"

The young man looks at his watch and replies, "She'll be 18 in 11 minutes."

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Contributed by : Seasoldier

Cow, Ant and An Asshole

A Cow, an Ant and an Asshole are debating on who is the greatest of the
three of them.

Cow:  I give 50 litres of milk every day and that's why I am the greatest!!

Ant:  I work day and night, summer and winter, I can carry 52 times my own
weight and that's why I am the greatest!!

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Why are you scrolling down?  It's your turn to say something...

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Contributed by : Seasoldier

The Psychiatrist and the Proctologist

Two Best friends graduated from medical school at the same time and decided
that in spite of two different specialties,   they would open a practice
together to share office space and personnel.

 Dr. Smith was the psychiatrist, and Dr. Jones was the proctologist.
 They put up a sign reading:  Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones - Hysterias and
Posteriors.
 The town council was livid and insisted they change it.
 The docs changed it to read:  Schizoids and Hemorrhoids.  This also was
not acceptable,
 so they again changed the sign to read Catatonics and High Colonics.  No
go!
 Next they tried Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives  “ thumbs down
again.
 Then came Minds and Behinds.  Still no good.
 Another attempt resulted in Lost Souls and Butt Holes - unacceptable
again.
 So they tried Nuts and Butts - no way.
 Freaks and Cheeks - still no good.
 Loons and Moons – forget it.
 Almost at their wit's end, the docs finally came up with  Dr. Smith and
Dr. Jones - Specializing in Odds and Ends.
 Everybody loved it.

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Country Music Lovers
 Click here

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Contributed by : Wally

Didn't See That Coming
 Click here

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Contributed by : Whizzbang

Wedding Ceremony.

At a wedding ceremony, the pastor asked if anyone had anything to say
concerning the union of the bride and groom.
It was their time to stand up and talk, or forever hold their peace.
The moment of utter silence was broken by a young beautiful woman carrying
a baby.
She started slowly walking toward the pastor.
Everything quickly turned to chaos.
The bride slapped the groom.
The groom's mother fainted.
The groomsmen started giving each other looks and wondering how best to
help save the situation.
The pastor asked the woman, "Can you tell us why you came forward? What do
you have to say?"
The woman replied, "We can't hear at the back."

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Contributed by : Anonymous3

NINETY EIGHT YEARS AGO

A boy chained his bike to a tree, then went to fight WWI.

The tree is on Vashon Island, which is between Tacoma and
Seattle, Washington. Quite amazing!
 Click here

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Contributed by : Digi Steve

Rules to live by -  Important information for men
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

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Contributed by : Haz

Precision Driving until the Cops arrive

Just another day in Mexico:
Until the cops arrive...
 Click here

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Contributed by : Seasoldier

Seniors

 A jet is making its final approach to St. John's Airport. The pilot comes
on the intercom, 'This is your Captain. We're on our final descent into St.
John's, Newfoundland. I want to thank you all for flying with us today and
hope you enjoy your stay on the "ROCK".

 He forgets to switch off the intercom. Now the whole plane can hear his
conversation from the cockpit.
 The co-pilot can be heard saying to the pilot, 'So, Skip, whatcha got
planned while we're on the Rock?' 'Well,' says the skipper, 'first I'm
gonna check into the hotel, take a big crap, then I'm gonna take that new
stewardess with the huge tits out for dinner. I'm gonna wine and dine her,
take her back to my room and give her a ride on the  baloney pony all night
long.'

 Aghast and amused, everyone on the plane hears this and immediately begins
looking up and down the aisle, trying to figure out who this new stewardess
is that the pilot's talking about.

 Meanwhile, the new stewardess is seated at the very back of the plane. She
is so embarrassed that she starts running toward the cockpit to turn the
intercom off. Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady's bag and
down she goes. The old lady leans over and says: 'No need to hurry
dear.....He's gotta land the plane and  take a shit first..

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Contributed by : Seasoldier

AN ATHEIST IN THE WOODS....

An atheist was walking through the woods.

'What majestic trees!
'What powerful rivers!
'What beautiful animals!
He said to himself.
Suddenly, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.
He turned to look . . . and saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him.
He ran as fast as he could along the path.
He looked over his shoulder & saw that the bear was closing on him ....
He looked over his shoulder again,
and the bear was even closer ....
and then ..... He tripped and fell.
Rolling over to pick himself up, he found the bear was right on top of him
.
reaching towards him with its left paw ...
and raising the right paw to strike ...
At that instant the Atheist cried out,
'Oh my God!'
Time Stopped ...
The bear froze .....
The forest was silent ....
A bright light shone upon the man,
and a voice came out of the sky ...
"You deny my existence for all these years,
you teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident
...
Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament?"
"Am I to count you as a believer?"
The atheist looked directly into the light ....
"It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a
Christian now ...
but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian?"
... a pause ...
"Very well," said the voice ...
The light went out.
The sounds of the forest resumed ...
And the bear dropped his right arm ....
brought both paws together ....
bowed his head & spoke ...

"Lord, bless this food, which I am about to receive

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Contributed by : Seasoldier

The Wall that will "Make America Safe Again"
 Click here

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Contributed by : Seasoldier

Einstein Was right
 Click here

The day that Albert Einstein feared most has arrived!
 Click here

Planning their honeymoon.
 Click here

A day at the beach.
 Click here

Having dinner out with your friends.
 Click here

Out on an intimate date.
 Click here

Having a conversation with your bestie.
 Click here

A visit to the museum.
 Click here

It's here!

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Contributed by : Wally

Tesla
 Click here

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Contributed by : Wally

Toyota
 Click here

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Contributed by : Wally

Impatient Driver
 Click here

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Contributed by : Wally

Positive Attitude

"Life is not the way it's supposed to be - it's the way it is. The way you
cope with it is what makes the difference."

A guy was in a horrible accident.  He finally regained consciousness.  He
was in a hospital, in a lot of pain.  He found himself in the ICU with IV
drips in both arms, an oxygen mask, wires monitoring every function and a
nurse hovering over him, looking worried.  It was obvious he was in a
life-threatening situation.

The nurse gave him a serious look, straight into his eyes.  She spoke to
him softly and slowly, enunciating each word: "You may not feel anything
from the waist down."

Somehow he managed to mumble in reply, "Can I feel your boobs, then?"

And that, my friends, is a real positive attitude.

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Ekaterina Lisina
 Click here

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Contributed by : Whizzbang

Same sex
 Click here

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[ End friday humour ]

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