Friday humour - September 22, 2017

 From Burnout @ Bluehaze:

From: Seasoldier
Subject: The Story of The Fifth Parrot

3 girls, Jan, Sue and Mary haven't seen each other since leaving school.
They rediscover each other via Facebook and arrange to meet for lunch
Jan arrives first, wearing a beige Versace dress. She orders a bottle of
Pinot Grigio.
Sue arrives shortly afterward, wearing a grey Chanel number. After the
initial hugs and kisses she joins Jan in a glass of wine.  Then Mary walks
in, wearing a faded old tee-shirt, blue jeans and boots. She too shares the
wine.
Jan explains that  after leaving school and attending Oxford University she
met and married Timothy, with whom she has a beautiful daughter. Timothy is
a partner in one of Sydney's leading law firms. They live in a 4000 sq ft
apartment on The North Shore and Susanna, the daughter, attends drama
school. They have a second home in Bali.
Sue relates that  she graduated from Monash University, studied to become a
doctor and became a surgeon. Her husband, Clive, is a leading financial
investment banker in Melbourne. They live in the Toorak area and have a
second home in Italy.
Mary explains that  after she left school at 17, she ran off with her
boyfriend, Mark. They run a  tropical bird park in Mississauga and grow
their own vegetables. Mark can stand five parrots, side by side, on his
erect penis.
Halfway down the third bottle of wine and several hours later, Jan blurts
out that her husband is really a cashier at Target they live in a small
apartment and have a camper trailer parked on the front drive.
Sue, chastened and  encouraged by her old friend's honesty, explains that
she and Clive are both nursing care assistants in an old people's home.
They live in Hoppers Crossing and take camping holidays on the Murray.
………..Mary admits that the fifth parrot has to stand on one leg.

Subject: Fw: Spiders - Or, What's in a Name?

A young father in central Texas watched his small daughter playing in the
garden.  He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl
was.  Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders
of nature through such innocent eyes.  Suddenly she just stopped and stared
at the ground.
He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention.  He
noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.

'Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?' she asked.
'They're mating,' her father replied.
'What do you call the spider on top?' she asked.
'A Daddy Longlegs,' her father answered.
'So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?' the little girl asked.
As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he
replied, 'No dear.  Both of them are Daddy Longlegs.'
'The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then
lifted her foot and stomped both spiders flat.  'Well", she said, "that may
be OK in California, but we're not having any of that sh*t in Texas."

Subject: Dangerous Virus

I thought you would want to know about this serious e-mail virus.

Even the most advanced programs from Norton or McAfee cannot take care of
this one..
It appears to affect those who were born prior to 1955.

Symptoms:
1. Causes you to send the same e-mail twice.
Done that!

2. Causes you to send a blank e-mail!
That too!

3. Causes you to send e-mail to the wrong person.
Yep!

4. Causes you to send it back to the person who sent it to you.
Aha!

5. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment.
Well well!

6. Causes you to hit "SEND" before you've finished.
Oh, no not again!

7.. Causes you to hit "DELETE" instead of "SEND."
And I just hate that!

8. Causes you to hit "SEND" when you should "DELETE.."
Oh No!

IT'S CALLED THE
"C-NILE VIRUS."
Have I already sent this to you?

Or did you send it to me?

Subject: Fwd: Filling station and cigarettes

You will not believe what happened to me today. I pulled in to get gas at
the Mobil.
Having only cash I had to pay inside.
As I was walking in, I noticed these 2 cops watching a man who was smoking
while pumping gas.
I saw him and thought, "is this man drunk, stupid, or just crazy?!! With
the cops right there too?!"
But anyway, I went inside and paid.

As I was checking out, I heard someone screaming, I knew what was
happening.
I looked out the window and the man's arm was on fire! He was swinging his
arm and running around going crazy!
As I went outside, the officers had to take him to the ground and they put
the fire out with their coffees!!
Then they handcuffed him and threw him in the police car.

I, being the curious person that I am, I asked the cops what they were
arresting him for...

The officer looked me square in the eyes and said ... "WAVING A FIREARM!"

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From: Wally

Subject: Humour

A doctor who had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most of her life
finally retired.  At her next check-up, the new young doctor told her to
bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her. 
Looking through these, his eyes grew wide as he realized Grandma had a
prescription for birth control pills.    "Mrs. Smith, do you realize these
are birth control pills?" "Yes, they help me sleep at night." "Mrs. Smith,
I assure you - there is absolutely nothing in these that could possibly
help you sleep!" She reached out, patted the young doctor's knee and said,
"Yes, dear, I know that.  But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in
the glass of orange juice that my 16-year-old granddaughter drinks. And
believe me, it definitely helps me sleep at night."

  You gotta love Grandmas!

A man was riding on a full bus, minding his own business, when the gorgeous
woman next to him started to breast-feed her baby.  The baby wouldn't take
it, so she said, "Come on, sweetie, eat it all up or I'll have to give it
to this nice man next to us."  Five minutes later the baby was still not
feeding, so she said, "Come on, honey.  Take it or I'll give it to this
nice man here."  A few minutes later the anxious man blurted out, "Come on,
kid, make up your mind. I was supposed to get off four stops ago!"

Students in an advanced biology class were taking their mid-term exam.  The
last question was, “Name seven advantages of mother's milk.' The question
was worth 70 points or none at all. One student was hard put to think of
seven advantages. He wrote:
1)   It is perfect formula for the child.
2)   It provides immunity against several diseases.
3)   It is always the right temperature.
4)   It is inexpensive.
5)   It bonds the child to mother and vice versa.
6)   It is always available as needed.
And then the student was stuck.  Finally, in desperation, just before the
bell rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote:
7)   It comes in two attractive containers and it's high enough off the
ground that the cat can't get it.  .…
He got an A.

An old Italian man in Brooklyn is dying.  He calls his grandson to his
bedside.  "Guido, I wana you lissina me.  I wana you to take-a my chrome
plated 38 revolver so you will always remember me." "But grandpa, I really
don't like guns. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?" "You
lissina me, boy! Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a
beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home, and maybe a couple of bambinos.
Then one-a day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with
another man. Whatta you gonna do then - pointa to you watch and say, 'Times
up'? "

A woman and her 12-year-old son were riding in a taxi in Detroit.  It was
raining and all the prostitutes were standing under awnings. "Mom," said
the boy, "what are all those women doing?" "They're  waiting for their
husbands to get off work," she replied. The taxi driver turned around and
said, "Geez, lady, why don't you tell the kid the truth?  They're hookers,
boy!  They have s*x with men for money."  The little boy's eyes got wide
and he asked, "Is that  true, Mom?"  His mother,  glaring hard at the
driver, answered, "Yes." After a few minutes the kid asked, "Mom, if those
women have  babies, what happens to them?"  She replied, "Most of them
become taxi drivers."

An elderly, but hardy, cattleman from Texas once told a young female
neighbor that if she wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle
a pinch of gunpowder on her oatmeal each morning. She did this religiously
and lived to the ripe old age of 103.  She left behind 11  children, 30
grandchildren, 41 great-grandchildren, five
great-great-grandchildren.....and a 40-foot hole where the  crematorium
used  to be.

   ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Whizzbang
Subject: Remember this
 Click here

Subject: google search
how to search google better
 Click here

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From: Duke of Barsinov
Subject:No good deed should go unrecognized
 Click here

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From: Seasoldier
Subject: Robert E. Lee
 Click here

Subject:Bird Sh*t. Good one
THIS IS THE BEST MAXINE EVER, EVER, EVER!
RIGHT ON MAXINE!!!

This is the best analogy yet!
Leave it to Maxine to come up with a solution for the economic mess that
US/Canada/UK/Germany/
Australia/NZ are now in.

I bought a bird feeder.

I hung it on my back porch and filled it with seed. What a beauty of a bird
feeder it was, as I filled it lovingly with seed.
Within a week we had hundreds of birds taking advantage of the continuous
flow of free and easily accessible food.
But then the birds started building nests in the boards of the patio,above
the table, and next to the barbecue.

Then came the sh*t.
It was everywhere: on the patio tile, the chairs, the table .. everywhere!
Then some of the birds turned mean.
They would dive bomb me and try to peck me even though I had fed them out
of my own pocket.
And other birds were boisterous and loud. They sat on the feeder and
squawked and screamed at all hours of the day and night and demanded that I
fill it when it got low on food.
After a while, I couldn't even sit on my own back porch anymore. So I took
down the bird feeder and in three days the birds were gone.
I cleaned up their mess and took down the many nests they had built all
over the patio.
Soon, the back yard was like it used to be .....
Quiet, serene.... And no one demanding their rights to a free meal.
Now let's see..... Our government gives out free food, subsidized housing,
free medical care and free education, and allows anyone born here to be an
automatic citizen.
Then the illegals came by the tens of thousands. Suddenly our taxes went up
to pay for free services; small apartments are housing 5 families; you have
to wait 6 hours to be seen by an emergency room doctor;
Your child's second grade class is behind other schools because over half
the class doesn't speak English.
Corn Flakes now come in a bilingual box; I have to 'press one ' to hear my
bank talk to me in English, and people waving flags other than "ours" are
squawking and screaming in the streets, demanding more rights and free
liberties.
Just my opinion, BUT--maybe it's time for the government to take down the
bird feeder.

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From: Wally
Subject: Don't use old ones
 Click here

Subject: Indian Drivers
 Click here

Subject: Panda Kindergarten
 Click here

Subject: Flatula Backfire
 Click here

Subject: Muslim Guide Dog – (Jeeesuuus, Wally - ED)
 Click here

Subject: 2 X Photos
 Click here Click here

Subject: 8 Reasons Why it's Better to Play Golf
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here

Subject: Americ
 Click here
(Tony and Jordan - Identical French Twins)

Subject: Historical Photos
File links:
 Click here

Subject: Stolen Lamp Posts
 Click here Click here

What's with stealing Lamp Posts?

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From: Whizzbang
Subject: I phone 8
 Click here

Subject: funny
 Click here

Subject:  Nerves of steel
 Click here
You are joking

Subject: Cigarette smuggling in Europe. It is obviously big business.
 Click here

Subject: when footy's done
 Click here

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Quote of the Week:
“Formula for Success: rise early, work hard, strike oil.” - J Paul
Getty.

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[ End friday humour ]

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