Friday humour - September 15, 2017

Friday Humour we have from several contributors this week.  This includes:
Burnout, Digi Steve, Haz, Seasoldier, Wally, Whizzbang, Billy Bunter of
Adelaide and JC.

Progress is man's ability to complicate simplicity.

Thor Heyerdahl

Without further ado, then, enjoy!

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Scared

Ivan Milat walks into the Belanglo State Forest with a backpacker.

The backpacker days, "Ivan, I'm scared".

"You're scared? I have to walk back on my own!"

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Your Yearly Dementia Test ! (only 4 questions this year)

Yep, it's that time of year again for us to take our annual senior citizen
test.

Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles.

As we grow older, it's important to keep mentally alert.

If you don't use it, you will lose it !!!

Here is a very private way to gauge how your memory compares to your last
test.

Some may think it is too easy, but the ones with memory problems may have
difficulty.

Take this test to determine if you're losing it or not.

The spaces below are so you don't see the answers until you've answered.

OK, RELAX, clear your mind and begin.

#1. What do you put in a toaster ?

Answer: 'bread.' If you said 'toast', just give up now and go do something
else.

And, try not to hurt yourself.   If you said, bread, go to Question #2.

# 2. Say 'silk' ten times. Now spell 'silk.' What do cows drink?

Answer: Cows drink water. If you said 'milk,' don't attempt the next
question.

Your brain is already over-stressed and may even overheat.

Content yourself with reading more appropriate literature such as Women's
Weekly or Auto World.

However, if you did say 'water', proceed to Question #3.

# 3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from
blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is
made from black bricks, what is a greenhouse made from ?

Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass.

If you said 'green bricks', why are you still reading this???  PLEASE, go
lie down!

But, if you said 'glass,' go on to Question #4.

# 4. Please do not use a calculator for this for it would be cheating:

You are driving a bus from New York City to Philadelphia.

In Staten Island, 17 people got on the bus.

In New Brunswick, 6 people get off the bus and 9 people get on.

In Windsor, 2 people get off and 4 get on.

In Trenton, 11 people get off and 16 people get on.

In Bristol, 3 people get off and 5 people get on.

And, in Camden, 6 people get off and 3 get on.

You then arrive at Philadelphia Station.

Without going back to review, how old is the bus driver ?

Answer: Oh, for crying out loud!

Don't you remember your own age?!?! It was YOU driving the bus!

If you pass this along to your friends, pray they do better than you.

PS: 95% of people fail most of the questions!

Sorry for all the spaces. You'd be tempted to cheat otherwise. If you had
fun with this, send it on; I did.

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New bathroom legislation

Could be the main subject in Canberra's next Question Time!!!

There are important questions to be answered about recent LGBT bathroom
legislation and whether transgender people will be permitted to use a
restroom of the gender that they "identify" with or be required to use the
restroom of their biological gender.
If the latter, will public restrooms be required to have a Genital
Inspection Station posted at the entrance to all public restrooms?
Who will have to pay these Pecker Checkers, the people using the restroom,
or the entity that owns the restroom?
And how much money will a Pecker Checker be paid to check peckers?
Or, do we pay a Pecker Checker by the number of peckers checked?
How many peckers can a Pecker Checker check if a Pecker Checker could check
peckers?
What has this country come to when the Department of Labor has to create a
new job description of Politically Correct Restroom Service Inspectors?

Their Motto Will Be ...........???
"If You gotta pee - We gotta see!"

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Tough at Customs !!!

A traveller through England on vacation lost his wallet and all of his
identification.

Cutting his trip short, he attempted to make his way home but was stopped
by the Australian Customs
Agents at the airport.

"May I see your identification, please?"
asked the agent.
"I'm sorry, but I lost my wallet," replied the bloke.
"Sure mate, I hear that every day.

No ID, no entry," said the agent.

"But I can prove I'm an Australian!" he exclaimed.

"I have a picture of Bob Hawke tattooed on one side of my ar*e and Paul
Keating on the other."
"This I gotta see, replied the agent. With that, the bloke dropped his
strides and showed the agent his behind.
"By hell, you're right!" exclaimed the agent.  "Have a safe trip back to
Melbourne."
"Thanks!" he said. "But how did you know I was from Melbourne?"
The agent replied, "I recognised Shorten in the middle."

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A MUST listen!
 Click here

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TWO DIFFERENT DOCTORS' OFFICES

Boy, if this doesn't hit the nail on the head, I don't know what does!

Two patients limp into two different medical clinics with the same
complaint.  Both have trouble walking and appear to require a hip
replacement.

The FIRST patient is examined within the hour, is x-rayed the same day and
has a time booked for surgery the following week.

The SECOND sees his family doctor after waiting 3 weeks for an appointment,
then waits 8 weeks to see a specialist, then gets an x-ray, which isn't
reviewed for another week and finally has his surgery scheduled for 6
months from then.

Why the different treatment for the two patients?

The FIRST is a Golden Retriever.
The SECOND is a Senior Citizen.

Next time take me to a vet!...

Lexophilia is a word used to describe those that have a love for words,
such as "you can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish", or "to write with
a broken pencil is pointless."

A competition to see who can come up with the best lexophiles is held
annually in Dubuque, Iowa and they come up with some pretty funny phrases.

.. When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.

.. A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

.. When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A.

.. The batteries were given out free of charge.

.. A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.

.. A will is a dead giveaway.

.. With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

.. A boiled egg is hard to beat.

.. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

.. Police were summoned to a daycare center where a three-year-old was
resisting a rest.

.. Did you hear about the fellow whose entire left side was cut off? He's
all right now.

.. A bicycle can't stand alone; it's just two tired.

.. When a clock is hungry it goes back  four seconds.

.. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.

.. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

.. When she saw her first strands of grey hair she thought she'd dye.

.. Acupuncture is a jab well done. That's the point of it.

.. Those who get too big for their pants will be totally exposed in the
end.

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The good stuff- Smiles!!!!!!

Shortly after the new president of the USA was elected, several Americans
movie stars said they were moving to Canada.

So,...Canada's Prime Minister has made the decision to build a wall.

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Global S*x - Facts About S*x

At Any Given Moment:

FACT:
79,000,000 people are engaged in s*x - right now!

FACT:
58,000,000 are kissing.

FACT:
37,000,000 are relaxing after having s*x.

FACT:
1 elderly person is reading emails.

You hang in there, Sunshine ........

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Bathroom Signs (Some old, some new)
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

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Time Lapse Flooding in Houston Last Week
 Click here

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Text and drive (film includes violent accident)
 Click here

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Yes or no
 Click here
Simple enough...

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Hilarious
 Click here

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ADULTS ONLY HUMOUR : Adult Humor.....Shaved what?.....
 Click here

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Danse Sportive/Sports dancing.
 Click here

Ah the memories,
Swing Club on a Sat*rday night Circa 1960
Lotsa energy here..

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Another Tuesday funny [language]
 Click here

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Watch my bike, till I'm back
 Click here

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Schwartz
 Click here

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Why we like boats...... or possibly not.
 Click here

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Be careful who you invite to speak at school.
 Click here

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This could happen to anyone .

Climbing into bed last night  ........
As I was getting in bed, she said, "You're drunk".
I said, "How do you know?"
She said, "You live next door."
Oops

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Soap survey [XXX]
 Click here

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Bumper Stickers with Attitude File links:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

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Weird World
 Click here

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For those old enough to remember him.
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here

Realised a long time ago that parents don't always realise their children
are listening

And manage to pass the info on to the wrong parties!!!
I am so sorry if you remember this little bloke.  And Poor old Mr Wilson!

DENNIS THE MENACE

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A Good deed
 Click here
A good deed never goes unnoticed!!

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Commonwealth Scientific and Industrial Research Organisation (CSIRO)
 Click here Click here

The discovery of a perverse, perplexing atom What follows is rather old and
may be known to some, however it is worthy of repetition. Courtesy of
JoNova
 Click here
comes notice of something written by William Debuvitz in 1988 and appeared
in the January 1989 issue of The Physics Teacher. William DeBuvitz was a
physics professor at Middles*x County College in Edison, New Jersey (USA),
retiring in June of 2000.

New element Governmentium: heaviest known, and paradoxically increasing New
Element Discovered The CSIRO announced the discovery of a perverse,
perplexing atom The new element is Governmentium (Gv). It has one neutron,
25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons and 198 assistant deputy
neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.
These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are
surrounded by vast quantities of lefton-like particles called peons.
Since Governmentium has no electrons or protons, it is inert. However, it
can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into
contact. A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction normally
taking less than a second to take from four days to four years to complete.
Governmentium has a normal half-life of 3-6 years. It does not decay but
instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant
neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.
In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each
reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.
This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe
that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical
concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical
morass.
When catalysed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element
that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as
many peons but twice as many morons. All of the money is consumed in the
exchange, and no other byproducts are produced.
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I'd like to credit this. It appears to be a derivative work of David Saum's
Administratium  
 Click here
seemingly adapted and possibly posted at this page New Element Discovered!
 Click here
Let me know if anyone has a more accurate author link and name.
..............................................................................................

And another one along similar vein.
 Click here Click here

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Amateur's Day
 Click here
Every year, on the 2nd Sunday in September, they have amateurs day at the
Nurburgring race track, 651km from Berlin. This is some of what happened.

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The Reverse Bucket List
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here

Things I will NOT do before I die!

1 -  Extreme Skiing in Wyoming

2 - Cliff Camping

3 - Skywalking in the Alps

4 - Climbing Redwoods

5 - Sitting on Trolltunga Rock in Norway

6 - Jumping on Trolltunga Rock in Norway

7 - Rock Climbing in South Africa

8 - Ice Climbing a Frozen Waterfall

9 - Extreme Picnicking

10 - Skywalking  on Mount Nimbus in Canada

11 - Tree Camping in Germany

12 - Just having a Look Around

13 - Extreme Kayaking at Victoria Falls

14 - Diving 30 metres through Rocks in Portugal

15 - Climbing Mt. Wellington

16 - Standing on the Edgewalk in Toronto

17 - Cycling in Norway

18 -  Sitting around at Yosemite

19 - Walking over a Crevice

20 - Glacier Boarding

21 - Biking on the Cliffs of Moher

I am ALREADY old.  I didn't get here by being Stupid!

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Letter to Pilot
 Click here

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Finger Phone
 Click here

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GOT
 Click here

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LOL
 Click here

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Igor hates to have to wait at railway crossings !!!
 Click here

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Meet here at Friday Humour next week, same bat channel, same bat time.

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[ End friday humour ]

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