Friday humour - September 08, 2017

[from Steve @ Bluehaze]

This week's collection sent in by Anonymous3, Burnout, Haz, Mitta,
Seasoldier, Wally and Whizzbang.

Enjoy!

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

SENSITIVITY TRAINING NEEDED FOR THESE MEN !

1. I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair but,
by turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole
thing. I converted to Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning!

2. The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers, so
I did. She's 25, and her name's Kathy.

3. Went to our local bar with my wife last night. Locals started shouting
"pedophile!" and other names at me, just because my wife is 24 and I'm 50
It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.

4. My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class
give him a hand-job. I said "Son, that's three schools this year! You'd
better stop before you're banned from teaching altogether."

5. The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife is having s*x with
me because she can't afford batteries.

6. A man calls 000 and says "I think my wife is dead". The operator says,
"How do you know?" The man says "The s*x is about the same, but
The ironing is piling up!"

7. I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get
reincarnated, but must come back as a different creature. She said she
would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You obviously haven't been
listening."

8. My wife has been missing a week now. The police said to prepare for the
worst. So, I had to go down to St Vinnies to get all of her clothes back.

9. The Red Cross just knocked on my door and asked if we could contribute
towards the floods in Pakistan. My wife said we'd love to,
but I told them that our garden hose only reaches the driveway.

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Gotta Love Millennials
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

What's in a name?

A woman arrived at a party and while scanning the guests, she spotted an
attractive man standing across the room, alone.

She approached him, smiled and said, Hello, my name is Carmen.

He replied, That is a beautiful name. Is it a family name?

She answered, No, as a matter of fact, I gave it to myself. It represents
the two things that I enjoy most: cars and men. Therefore, I chose Carmen.

Then she asked, Whats your name?

He answered, Bob Titsengolf

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

The radio

Broken Hill, Australia after the school had sponsored a luncheon for
seniors.

An elderly lady received a new radio at the lunch as a door raffle prize
and was writing to say thank you.

This story is a credit to all humanity.  Forward it to anyone you know who
might need a lift today...

Dear Broken Hill High School,

God bless you for the beautiful wireless I won at your recent Senior
Citizens luncheon.  I am 87 years old and live at the St Anne's Nursing
Home for the Aged.  All my family has passed away so I'm all alone.

I want to thank you for the kindness you have shown to a forgotten old
lady.

My roommate is 95 and has always had her own wireless; but, she would never
let me listen to it.  She said it belonged to her long dead husband, and
understandably, wanted to keep it safe.

The other day her wireless fell off the nightstand and broke into a dozen
pieces.  It was awful and she was in tears.  She asked if she could listen
to mine, and I was overjoyed that  I  could tell her to f*ck off.

Thank you for that wonderful opportunity.

God bless you all.
Sincerely,
Edna

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

JET FUEL

Dave and Pete were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as aircraft
engineers in Darwin, Australia .

One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with
nothing to do.
Dave said, 'Man, I wish we had something to drink!'

Pete says, 'Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get
abuzz.

You wanna try it?'

So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane booze and get
completely smashed.

The next morning Dave wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels.

In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects.

Nothing!

Then the phone rings. It's Pete. Pete says, 'Hey, how do you feel this
morning?'

Dave says, 'I feel great, how about you?'

Pete says, 'I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?'

Dave says, 'No that jet fuel is great stuff -- no hangover, nothing. We
ought to do this more often.'

'Yeah, well there's just one thing.'

'What's that?'

'Have you farted yet?'

'No.'

'Well, DON'T - 'cause I'm in New Zealand '

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Best Beer Prank Ever - Kiwi's with too much time on their hands

I wonder what the toilet flushed????

WISH I HAD MATES LIKE THIS!

Trust the Kiwis to come up with something like this! What great friends
this guy has.
I cannot imagine the time these guys spent planning all of this let alone
the time to set it into place. Ah, the engineering required.
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Haz
New Volkswagen Commercial

Nobody else does commercials like Volkswagen
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

OUTBACK YARNS

A Queenslander is in a West Australian Pub when he gets a call on his
mobile phone and as he listens to the call he starts grinning from ear to
ear.
Once he disconnects he shouts to the barman that he wants to buy everyone
in the bar a drink. The barman starts serving the drinks and the people
start to crowd around keen to know what they are celebrating.

"Well" he announces, "My wife's just produced a typical Queensland baby boy
weighing 25 pounds".

Nobody can believe that any baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the
Queenslander just shrugs, "That's about average in Queensland. Like I said,
my boy is a typical Queensland boy."

Congratulations showered him from all around and many exclamations of
"STREWTH" were heard. One woman even fainted due to sympathy pains.

Two weeks later the Queenslander returns to the bar. The bartender says
"You're the father of that typical Queensland baby that weighed 25 pounds
at birth aren't you? Everybody's been having bets about how big he'd be in
2 weeks, we were going to call you. So - how much does he weigh now?"

The proud father answers: "17 pounds".

The bartender is puzzled and concerned. "What happened? He weighed 25
pounds the day he was born!"

The Queensland father takes a l-o-n-g s-l-o-w swig from his drink, wipes
his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans onto the bar and proudly says:  "Had
him circ*mcised!"

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Missing Wife Found by Alaska State Troopers

The day after his wife disappeared In a kayaking accident, an Anchorage man
answered his door to find two grim-faced Alaska State Troopers.

"We're sorry, sir, but we have some information about your wife", said one
of the troopers.

"Tell me! Did you find her?"

One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great
news. Which would you like to hear first?"

Fearing the worst, he said, "Give me the bad news first."

The trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found
your wife's body in Kachemak Bay."

"Oh my God!" he exclaimed.

Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the good news?"

The trooper continued, "When we pulled her up, she had twelve 25-pound king
crabs and 6 good-sized Dungeness crabs clinging to her, and we feel you are
entitled to a share of the catch."

Stunned, he demanded, "If that's the good news, then what's the great
news?"

The trooper replied, "We're gonna pull her up again tomorrow...."

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Blacklisted

Mick Mumbi has gone to court to have the word "blacklisted" banned.

Required to state his case, Mick said:

"This racist word is demoralising for the blacks of this country!
How can you put people on a list just because they're black,
Why not put whites on a list also?".

The judge, Bernadette Callaghan,after looking pained and after thinking for
a minute said:

" Whites are on a separate list, they are called "Tax Payers"!

Case dismissed.

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Becoming a Pepsi Head....
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Good point
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Your Friday Smile
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Impressionnant
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Animal/human love
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Free Shot
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

A clever bag theft act - beware!
 Click here
Where is my bag?  It was right there at my feet.
If you leave your bag on the floor, put it in between your legs! 
Especially when travelling! Please watch the video!
Thieves now have special bags (cover, swallow and grip) to steal it without
anyone noticing!

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Generation gap
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Odd Spot
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Smile. II
 Click here Click here Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Fish in Jellyfish
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Matching Attire
 Click here Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

ISIS
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

So true
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

      Ah-the-eah the-eah That's All (for this week) Folks!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------
[ End friday humour ]

 Previous (September 01, 2017)  Index Next (September 15, 2017)