Friday humour - September 01, 2017

From Haz@bluehaze

As always thanks to the contributors without whom this cannot exist –

Anonymous 3
Arfermo
Biggus
Burnout
Duke of Barsinov
Haz
Mitta
Pepperballs
Sack
Seasolider
Wally
Whizzbang
Yermazing

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Points to Ponder

What if my dog only brings back the ball because he thinks I like throwing
it?
If poison expires, is it more poisonous or is it no longer poisonous?
Which letter is silent in the word “scent," the s or the c?
Do twins ever realize that one of them is unplanned?
Why is the letter W, in English, called double U? Shouldn't it be called
double V?
Maybe oxygen is slowly killing you and It just takes 75-100 years to fully
work.
Every time you clean something, you just make something else dirty.
The word "swims" upside-down & backwards is still “swims."
100 years ago everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars. Today
everyone has cars and only the rich own horses.
Your future self is watching you right now through memories.
The doctors that told Stephen Hawking he had two years to live in 1953 are
probably already dead.
If you replace “w" with “t" in “what, where and when," you get the
answer to each of them.
Many animals probably need glasses, but nobody knows it.
 If you rip a hole in a net, there are actually fewer holes in it than
there were before.

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Childbirth at 65( Too good not to pass on. Enjoy! )

With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 65-year-old
friend of mine was able to give birth. When she was discharged from the
hospital and went home, I went to visit. 'May I see the new baby?' I asked.
'Not yet,' she said. 'I'll make coffee and we can chat for a while first.'
Thirty minutes had passed, and I asked, 'May I see the new baby now?' 'No,
not yet,' she said. After another few minutes had elapsed, I asked again,
'May I see the baby now?' 'No, not yet,' replied my friend Growing very
impatient, I asked, 'Well, when can I see the baby?' 'WHEN HE CRIES!' she
told me. 'WHEN HE CRIES?' I demanded. 'Why do I have to wait until he
CRIES?'

 'BECAUSE I FORGOT WHERE I PUT HIM, O.K.?'

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Japan - some interesting facts.

The Japanese focus on maintaining their culture. Therefore:
No political leader or prime minister from any Islamic nation has visited
Japan - not the Ayatollah of Iran,
the King of Saudi Arabia or even a Saudi Prince!
Japan is a country keeping Islam at bay by putting strict restrictions on
Islam and ALL Muslims.
1) Japan is the only nation that does not give citizenship to Muslims.
2) In Japan permanent residency is not given to Muslims.
3) There is a strong ban on the propagation of Islam in Japan
4) In the University of Japan, Arabic or any Islamic language is not
taught.
5) One cannot import a 'Koran' published in the Arabic language.
6) Muslims granted temporary residency must follow the Japanese Law of the
Land.
They must speak Japanese, and carry out their religious rituals only in
their homes.
7) Japan only has a negligible number of embassies in Islamic countries.
8) Visas are not granted to Muslim doctors, engineers or managers sent by
foreign companies.
9) In the majority of companies it is stated in their regulations that no
Muslims should apply for a job.
10) Muslims cannot even rent a house in Japan.
11) No one can start an Islamic cell or Arabic 'Madrasa' in Japan .
12) There is no Sharia Law in Japan
13) The wearing of burquas in public is banned.
14) If a Japanese woman marries a Muslim, she is considered an outcast
forever.
The Japanese may have lost the last war, but at least they are in charge of
their own country! There are no bombs going off in crowded places, "Honour
Killings", female genital mutilation, child brides,
multiple wives, preaching of hate and threats against 'infidels', etc.
Something to think about!
The more the merrier for import here I suppose!!

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Stella Awards

It's time again for the annual "Stella Awards"! For those unfamiliar with
these awards, they are named after 81-year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled
hot coffee on herself and successfully sued the McDonald's in New Mexico,
where she purchased coffee. You remember, she took the lid off the coffee
and put it between her knees while she was driving. Who would ever think
one could get burned doing that, right?

That's right; these are awards for the most outlandish lawsuits and
verdicts in the U.S. You know, the kinds of cases that make you scratch
your head.

So keep your head scratcher handy.

Here are the Stellas for
2016:

SEVENTH PLACE *

Kathleen Robertson of
Austin, Texas was awarded $80,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her
ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The
store owners were understandably surprised by the verdict,
considering the running toddler was her own son.

Start scratching!

SIXTH PLACE *

Carl Truman, 19, of Los
Angeles, California won $74,000 plus medical expenses when his neighbor ran
over his hand with a Honda Accord. Truman apparently didn't notice there
was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his
neighbor's hubcaps.

Scratch some more…

FIFTH PLACE *

Terrence D*ckson, of
Bristol, Pennsylvania, who was leaving a house he had just burglarized by
way of the garage. Unfortunately for D*ckson, the automatic garage door
opener malfunctioned and he could not get the garage door to open.
Worse, he couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the
garage to the house locked when D*ckson pulled it shut. Forced to sit for
eight, count 'em, EIGHT days and survive on a case of Pepsi and a large bag
of dry dog food, he sued the homeowner's insurance company claiming undue
mental Anguish. Amazingly, the jury said the insurance company must pay
D*ckson $500,000 for his anguish. We should all have this kind of anguish.

Keep scratching. There
are more…

FOURTH PLACE *

Jerry Williams, of Little
Rock, Arkansas, garnered 4th Place in the Stella's when he was awarded
$14,500 plus medical expenses after being bitten on the butt by his next
door neighbor's beagle - even though the beagle was on a chain in its
owner's fenced yard. Williams did not get as much as he asked for because
the jury believed the beagle might have been provoked at the time of the
butt bite because Williams had climbed over the fence into the yard and
repeatedly shot the dog with a pellet gun.

Pick a new spot to
scratch, you're getting a bald spot..

THIRD PLACE *

Amber Carson of
Lancaster, Pennsylvania because a jury ordered a Philadelphia restaurant to
pay her $113,500 after she slipped on a spilled soft drink and broke her
tailbone. The reason the soft drink was on the floor: Ms. Carson had thrown
it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument.

Only two more so ease up
on the scratching…

*SECOND PLACE*

Kara Walton, of Claymont,
Delaware sued the owner of a night club in a nearby city because she fell
from the bathroom window to the floor, knocking out her two front teeth.
Even though Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the ladies room window
to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge, the jury said the night club had to
pay her $12,000....oh, yeah, plus dental expenses. Go figure.

Ok. Here we go!!

FIRST PLACE *

This year's runaway First
Place Stella Award winner was: Mrs. Merv Grazinski, of Oklahoma City,
Oklahoma, who purchased a new 32-foot Winnebago motor home. On her first
trip home, from an OU football game, having driven onto the freeway, she
set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the driver's seat to go to
the back of the Winnebago to make herself a sandwich. Not surprisingly, the
motor home left the freeway, crashed and overturned.
Also not surprisingly, Mrs. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not putting in the
owner's manual that she couldn't actually leave the driver's seat while the
cruise control was set. The Oklahoma jury awarded her, are you sitting
down?$1,750,000 PLUS a new motor home. Winnebago actually changed their
manuals as a result of this suit, just in case Mrs.
Grazinski has any relatives who might also buy a motor home.

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Subject:Nudism for pensioners warning

On his first day at the Nudist Colony Sid takes off his clothes, and starts
to wander around.
A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and Sid immediately gets an erection.
The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, 'Did you call
for me?'Sid replies, 'No, what do you mean?'
She says, 'You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if
you get an erection, it implies you called for me.'
Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a
towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.

Sid continues to explore the nudist colony's facilities. He enters the
sauna and, as he sits down, he farts....
Within minutes, a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam-room toward him,
'Did you call for me?' says the hairy man.
'No, what do you mean?' says Sid
'You must be new,' says the hairy man, 'it's a rule that if you fart,
it implies that you called for me..' The huge man easily spins him around,
bends him over a bench and has his way with him.

Then Sid staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the
smiling, naked receptionist, 'May I help you?' she says.
Sid yells, 'Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you
can keep the $400 membership fee.'
‘But, Sir,' she replies, 'you've only been here for a few hours. You
haven't had the chance to see all our facilities.'
Sid replies, 'Listen lady, I'm 75 years old. I only get an erection once a
month, but I fart 35 times a day!!'

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Subject: Irish Alzheimers

Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he
saw him. He had never been to church in his life.

After Mass, the priest caught up with him and said, "Murphy, I am so glad
ya decided to come to Mass. What made ya come?"

Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you Father. A while back, I misplaced
me hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat
just like mine and I knew he came to church every Sunday. I also knew that
he had to take off his hat during Mass and figured he would leave it in the
back of church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal
McGlynn's hat."

The priest said, "Well, Murphy, I notice that ya didn't steal McGlynn's
hat. What changed your mind?"

Murphy replied, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I
decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat after all."

With a tear in his eye the priest gave Murphy a big smile and said; "After
I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal 'ya decided you would rather do
without your hat than burn in Hell?"

Murphy slowly shook his head. "No, Father, after ya talked about 'Thou
Shalt Not Commit Adultery', I remembered where I left me hat."

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Subject: Who would Have Thought it Eh?
Hard to believe but . . ..who would have thought it eh??..

A recent survey indicates that the Smartphone is now the number one hand
held device.

 The penis has slipped to second spot.

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From: Seasoldier
Subject: Beautiful use of the English language

I called an old friend and asked him what he was doing. He replied that he
was working on "Aqua-thermal treatment of ceramics, aluminum and steel
under a constrained environment".

I was really impressed....

On further inquiry I learned that he was washing dishes with hot water...
under his wife's supervision.

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From: Wally
Subject: Herman
 Click here
 Click here
 Click here
 Click here
 Click here
 Click here
 Click here
 Click here
 Click here
 Click here
 Click here
 Click here
 Click here
 Click here
 Click here

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Subject: 1910 Ford....and what was available back in 1910
 Click here

1910 Ford....what was available back in 1910

This definitely puts everything in perspective.
Make sure you read all the statistics under the photo.
Show this to your friends, children and grand-children!
What a difference a century makes!
This has only been 107 years ago!! Amazing!!!

1910 FORD
Here are some statistics for the year 1910:

1.The average life expectancy for men was 47 years.
2. Fuel for this car was only sold in drug stores.
3. Only 14 percent of the homes had a bathtub.
4. Only 8 percent of the homes had a telephone.
5. There were only 8,000 cars and only 144 miles of paved roads.
6. The maximum speed limit in most cities was 10 mph.
7. The tallest structure in the world was the Eiffel Tower!
8. The average US wage in 1910 was 22 cents per hour.
9. The average US worker made between $200 and $400 per year.
10. A competent accountant could expect to earn $2,000 per year,
a dentist $2,500 per year, a veterinarian between $1,500 and $4,000 per
year, and a mechanical engineer about $5,000 per year.
11. More than 95 percent of all births took place at HOME.
12. Ninety percent of all Physicians had NO COLLEGE EDUCATION!
Instead, they attended so-called medical schools, many of which were
condemned in the press AND by the government as 'substandard.'
13. Sugar cost four cents a pound.
14. Eggs were fourteen cents a dozen.
15. Coffee was fifteen cents a pound.
16. Most women only washed their hair once a month, and used Borax or egg
yolks for shampoo.
17. Canada passed a law that prohibited poor people from entering into
their country for any reason.
18. The five leading causes of death were:
 A. Pneumonia and influenza  B. Tuberculosis  C. Diarrhea  D. Heart disease
 E. Stroke
19. The American flag had 45 stars.
20. The population of Las Vegas Nevada was only 30!
21. Crossword puzzles, canned beer, and iced tea hadn't been invented yet.
22. There was no Mother's or Father's Day.
23. Two out of every 10 adults couldn't read or write and only 6 percent of
all Americans had graduated from high school.
24. Eighteen percent of households had at least one full-time servant or
domestic help.
25. There were about 230 reported murders in the ENTIRE U.S.A.
(but almost everyone had a gun!).
26. I am now going to forward this to some-one else without typing it
myself.
 From there, it will be sent to others all over the WORLD . . .
all in a matter of seconds! Try to imagine what it may be like in another
100 years.

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Subject: Best beer commercial
 Click here

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Subject: A Warning Poster
 Click here

Subject:Perils of a Protestant Upbringing

As I walked down the busy side walk with my wife, knowing I was late for
Mass my eyes fell upon one of those unfortunate ragged vagabonds that are
found in every city these days.
Some people turned to stare. Others quickly looked away as if the sight
would somehow contaminate them.
Recalling my old pastor, Father Mike, who always admonished me to "care for
the sick, feed the hungry and clothe the naked", I was moved by some
powerful inner urge to reach out to this unfortunate person.
Wearing what can only be described as rags, carrying her treasured worldly
possessions in two plastic bags, my heart was touched by this person's
condition.
Yes, where some people saw only rags,I saw a true, hidden beauty.

A small voice inside my head called out,

"Reach out....reach out . .and touch this person!"

So I did.
I won't be at Church this week.
 Click here

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Subject: pistol, new release
 Click here

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Subject: Golden Shower
 Click here Click here

Transgender Canadian artist Heather Cassils, will display the following
installation at New York's Ronald Feldman Fine Arts gallery on Sept. 16.
The centrepiece is P*SSED, a minimalist glass cylinder, containing almost
800 litres of urine. Which is a collection of all the liquid the artist has
passed, since the Trump administration rescinded an Obama-era executive
order, allowing transgender students to use the bathroom matching their
chosen gender identities. The sculpture is contextualized by audio
recordings, from the Virginia school board, and the Fourth Court of
Appeals,
articulating the ignorance and biases, that run through every level of
judicial proceedings. First thought was, that's a lot of pee. Trump
rescinded Obama's executive order on 22nd February, and 206 days will have
passed between the rescinding, and the exhibit on 16th September. That
means
Cassils, in turn, must be passing about three and a half litres of urine
per day.
According to the website
 Click here 

MedlinePlus,Cassils must be drinking about 4 litres of water a day, to be
peeing that much.

Subject: Turkey Shoot
File links:
 Click here

The attached video, is an ISIS convoy, trying to re-supply fighters in
Mosul, on 1st July 2017.Pretty amazing technology, considering a guy
sitting at a console on a mountain top in Las Vegas, was piloting a drone
in
Syria (with both missile, and 20mm Gatling gun armament).

Coleman Sweeney was an As*hole
 Click here

Subject: 6 X Photos
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

Subject: Warnie's Weight
 Click here

Shane Warne's weight, has again come into question, after he was spotted
yesterday, playing a round at Melbourne's Brighton Golf Course.

Subject: The Dambusters
 Click here Click here

A specialised piece of underwater scanning equipment has been used to
locate, and identify WW2 bouncing bombs in a Scottish loch. The scuba
divers have completed a daring mission to raise two historic, 'Highball'
bouncing bombs, like those used by the Dambusters squadron, on the
successful raid of the Eder Dam. Footage of the Highball bombs being tested
was actually used in the World War II film classic, The Dambusters. The
iconic Highball bombs were recovered in perfect condition by divers. Around
200 Highballs have lain at the bottom of Loch Striven in Argyll, for almost
75 years, since they were tested by the Royal Navy, for use in the Eder Dam
raid, in the
Second World War. The bombs, which are inactive, were secured by the
divers,
ready for lifting by the Royal Navy. Now the aim is to donate the Highballs
to two museums, so they can be put on public display, in the time for the
75th anniversary of The Dambusters raid, in 2018.

Subject: Croc eats Croc
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

It's a Croc eat Croc world.

These extraordinary images show the moment a monster 4m saltwater crocodile
bites the head off a 2m croc, and eats it.
Known as "Charlie", the cannibal croc is a prime tourist attraction in the
mangrove-clad wetlands of D*ckson Inlet, at Port Douglas, 60km north of
Cairns, Queensland.
Weighing more than half a tonne, he's been the dominant male of his
territory for at least nine years, and is known to have killed at least two
big rival males.
Lady Douglas paddleboat skipper Drew Weyand, took the shots on one of his
river cruises.

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Quote of the Week:
“Nothing is particularly hard, if you divide it into small jobs.” -
Henry Ford.

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: Fw: Resourceful

 On Sunday, 27 August 2017, 1:24, Warwick Bull wrote:

A Hassidic Jew, who worked for a home health agency, was out making his
rounds visiting homebound patients when he ran out of gas. Fortunately, an
Exxon station was just a block away. He walked to the station to borrow a
gas can and buy some gas.The attendant told him that the only gas can he
owned had been loaned out, but the Hassid could wait until it was returned.
Since the Hassid was on the way to see a patient, he decided not to wait,
and walked back to his car. He looked for something in his car that he
could fill with gas, and spotted a bedpan he was taking to a patient.
Always resourceful, the Hassid carried the bedpan to the station, filled it
with gasoline, and carried the full bedpan back to his car. As he was
pouring the contents of the bedpan into his fuel tank, two Catholic nuns
watched from across the street. One of them turned to the other and said,
'If the car starts, I'm converting to Judaism.'

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: Gossip on socrates -

Keep this in mind the next time you are about to repeat a rumor or spread
gossip.

In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his
wisdom.

One day an acquaintance ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you
know what I just heard about Diogenes?"

"Wait a moment," Socrates replied, "Before you tell me I'd like you to pass
a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."

'Triple filter?" asked the acquaintance.

"That's right," Socrates continued, "Before you talk to me about Diogenes
let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say.. The first filter
is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me
is true?"

"No," the man said, "Actually I just heard about it."

"All right," said Socrates, "So you don't really know if it's true or not.
Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are
about to tell me about Diogenes something good?"

"No, on the contrary..."

"So," Socrates continued, "You want to tell me something about Diogenes
that may be bad, even though you're not certain it's true?"

The man shrugged, a little embarrassed. Socrates continued, "You may still
pass the test though, because there is a third filter, the filter of
Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about Diogenes going to be useful
to me?"

"No, not really."

"Well," concluded Socrates, "If what you want to tell me is neither True
nor Good nor even useful, why tell it to me or anyone at all?"

The man was bewildered and ashamed. This is an example of why Socrates was
a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.

It also explains why Socrates never found out that Diogenes was sleeping
with his wife.

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: Thought you might like this

Our new anthem

Australians we cannot rejoice,
For we're no longer free;
We’ve sold our soil and wealth and oil;
Our home is a crime spree;
Our land abounds in welfare gifts
To migrants from elsewhere;
In history’s page, we are enraged
Advance Australia Where?
In painful strains then let us sing,
Advance Australia Where?
Beneath our radiant Southern Cross
We’ll toil with hearts and hands;
To make this Government of ours
Stop bowing to demands;
For those who’ve come across the seas
We’ve boundless plains to share;
But we expect some due respect
To Advance Australia Fair.
In painful strains then let us sing,
Advance Australia Where?🙁 written by Phil Kirby

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Why we miss Bill

It doesn’t matter what party you belong to. This is good natured
political humour from a show on Canadian TV, where a black comedian said he
misses Bill Clinton.

"Yep, that's right - I miss Bill Clinton!”

*He was the closest thing we ever got to having a real black man as
President.

*He played the saxophone.

*He smoked weed.

*He had his way with ugly white women.

*Even now?Look at him ... his wife works, and he doesn’t!
And, he gets a check from the government every month.

*Manufacturers announced today that they will be stocking America’s
shelves this week with “Clinton Soup," in honour of one of the nations'
distinguished men.It consists primarily of a weenie in hot water.

*Chrysler Corporation is adding a new car to its line to honour Bill
Clinton. The Dodge Drafter will be built in Canada.

*When asked what he thought about foreign affairs, Clinton replied,
"I don't know, I never had one.”

*The Clinton revised judicial oath:
“I solemnly swear to tell the truth as I know it, the whole truth as I
believe it to be,and nothing but what I think you need to know.”

*Clinton will be recorded in history as the only President to have s*x in
the Oval Office between the Bushes.

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: The Pregnant Blond.

The other day my neighbour, who is blonde, came running up to me in the
driveway just jumping for joy!
I didn’t know why she was jumping for joy. I thought, what the heck, and
I starting jumping up and down along with her.
She said ,“Sally ,I have some really great news!" I said, "Great. Tell me
why you're so happy."
She stopped jumping and, breathing heavily from all the jumping up and
down, told me that she was pregnant!
 I knew  that she had been trying for a while so I told her, "That's great!
I couldn't be happier for you!"
Then she said, "There's more."
I asked, "What do you mean 'more'?"
She said, "Well, we are not having just one baby. We are going to have
twins
Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, I asked her
how she knew. She said...
(You're going to love this!)

“That was the easy part. I went to ALDI and they actually had a home
pregnancy kit in a twin-pack. Both tests came out positive!”

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Same s*x marriage

Bruce and Barry got married in Canberra (because they could).

They couldn't afford a honeymoon, so they went back to Bruce's Mum and
Dad's house for their first married night together.

In the morning, Johnny, Bruce's little brother, gets up and has his
breakfast.

As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mum: ‘Are
Bruce and Barry up yet?’.

She replies, 'No'.

Johnny comments, 'Do you know what I think?'

His mum replies, 'I don't want to hear what you think!Just go to school.'

Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mum, 'Are Bruce and Barry up yet?'

She replies, 'No..'

Johnny says, 'Do you know what I think?'

His mum replies, 'Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to
school.'

After school, Johnny comes home and asks again: 'Are Bruce and Barry up
yet?'

Again his mum replies somewhat more agitated: 'No!'

He says, 'Do you know what I think?'

His mum replies, 'OK, damn it, tell me what you think!'

He says: 'Well , last night Bruce came to my room for some Vaseline . . .
And I gave him my super glue!'

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Mickey Mouse

A (Bad) Dad joke….

A lone sniper was just about to assassinate Donald Trump.

Just at the last moment, one of the President's bodyguards spotted him. He
immediately shouted "Mickey Mouse! Mickey Mouse!"

A shot rang out and Trump fell dead.

As his aides gathered round the body, one of them asked the bodyguard why
he had shouted, "Mickey Mouse"
'I'm sorry" he said, "I meant to shout "Donald, duck!"

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Internet Historian

As Bluehaze readers are avid fans of internet history, I present:

Things you probably did not want to know:

Pool is closed (NSFW)
 Click here

Independence day Wars:
 Click here

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Bring 'em to Bondi
 Click here

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Bankstown School Roll Call

Coming soon to a school near you...

*/Roll call on the first day of school in/**/*Bankstown....*/*

*AhmedAl Sheriah ............................
......"here"***

*MustafaAl Sheriah ............................
....."here"***

*FatimaEl Bindihiri ............................
......."here"***

*AliAcmah Shabeeb ............................
....."here"***

*AliSun Al En .........................No answer*

*Ali SunAl En?***

*A little girl at the back stands up and yells ....
"It's pronounced Alison Allen, damn it!*

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An incredible and industrious fish
 Click here

Best Video You Will Ever See
 Click here

You will never look at a fish in the same way. Incredible! Credit:
BBC Earth

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:Petit Chef Restaurant Table ...

This is VERY clever!

The French Restaurant, Le Petit
Chef, came up with an original way to entertain guests while they were
waiting for their order.

Using a projector on the
ceiling, projected directly on to the table cloth, there is a small chef
who prepares a meal on your plate.

A creative and interesting idea.
Note: watch the fuel can carefully ...
 Click here

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Political term for American voters

*Triumphant: Feeling or expressing jubilation after claiming to have won a
victory entirely on one's own merits:*"I came, I lied, I claimed to be the
new Messiah, I conquered!"*

*Trumpageddon:Armageddon, only much worse because you have to listen to
Donald Trump brag about his superiority while he destroys the world

*Trumpaholic:Someone addicted to his own bullsh*t

*Trumpathon:: A TV event in which Donald Trump goes on and on and on about
how rich, smart, successful and good looking he is

*Trumpectomy:A type of brain surgery similar to a lobotomy in which an
oversized ego is removed

*Trumpence:The emotional boost a narcissist or sociopath gets from feeling
superior to those they have manipulated, tricked and scammed

*Trumpet:A mouthpiece only good for constantly tooting one's own horn

*Trumpetry: The art of constantly tooting one's own horn

*Trumpism: Anything that is wildly exaggerated in a boorish fashion

*Trumplestiltskin: The title of a book about a man who falls asleep,
dreams that he’s the king of the world, and never wakes up from his
absurd fantasy

*Trumposity:The quality of being pompous, supremely awesomeness, loud and
overbearing

*Trumposis: An incurable brain disorder also found in past leaders such as
Genghis Khan, Attila the Hun, Mao Zedong, Stalin, Hitler and Mussolini

*Trumptanic:The name of a ship that has been advertised to be unsinkable
but in reality is so full of serious faults, cracks and holes that it can
never leave dry dock

*Trumptastic: Something purported to be wonderful that turns out to be
complete horse sh*t

*Trumptation:A sudden urge to vote for someone you distrust,
despite your better judgment

*Trumpupmanship: Claiming to be better and smarter than everyone at
everything

*Trumputopia:A mythical land in which alpha male chauvinism rules and
everything is magically yuuge and great

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The Korean nuclear crisis

This whole Korean nuclear crisis could turn into something nasty because
we’re dealing with a ludicrous figure with an idiotic haircut and a
complete bag of toxic sludge.A repugnant, repulsive cancer of a person who
makes our world a crueler and more hateful place by his very existence.
 A child dictator who’s also a bird-brained, predatory moron and a
Disney-like villain who’s a sociopathic and dangerous demagogue
completely unsuited to the responsibilities of running a country.

This disgusting, reprehensible egomaniac sees only himself and denies the
humanity of others by being a heartless, dangerous, malignant
individual.The jerk surrounds himself with his generals while still being a
fascist, and a self-serving, arrogant, stupid lunatic.He’s a very
distinct threat to both American democracy and the free world.

But, that other little runt in North Korea is not much better.

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Breaking News...
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

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Today's funnies
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here

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Parking fine ... necessary for future emails
 Click here

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Man run over by steamroller.....
 Click here

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Tim Whyatt is Australia’s equivalent of Gary Larson. These are some of
his best down under cartoons.
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

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NEW COMMEMORATIVE PISTOL...
 Click here

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Amusement rides in China (BILL R)

Watch the last ride on the video!It is absolutely crazy even to watch.

Count me out, my heart would have stopped!
 Click here

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Where did the cork go?
 Click here

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: Smorgasbord of Critical Information
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here

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Figure this out! From Graham.
 Click here

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Piece of cake ...
 Click here

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Some funnies
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

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Parking the boat with finesse.
 Click here

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Benny Hill - The Wishing Well
 Click here

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Chinese concrete pump
 Click here
Wouldn't do here. Think what Occupational Health and Safety would say...

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Airline botches pro-gay ad

Airline pro-homos*xual ad proves marriage is only between man and woman.

KLM Royal Dutch Airlines has produced a Twitter ad meant to pay tribute to
Gay Pride events now taking place in Amsterdam. The only thing is, the
tweet serves to do the exact opposite.

The ad shows three sets of seat belts. The first consists of two
“female” ends. The second pairs two “male” ends. The third depicts
a male with a female end and is clearly the only seat belt pairing that
actually works.

If KLM equipped its aircraft with set number one or number two, its entire
fleet would be grounded for safety reasons. And if even one passenger’s
seat was outfitted with double male or double female ends, the plane would
not even be allowed to pull away from the gate because of the safety hazard
presented to that one passenger.

Only the set of “complementary” seat belts protects passengers from
harm.
The others have no real value. In fact, they invite danger.

One of the best responses to the airline’s tweet came from Rick Canton
“Fly Royal Dutch Airlines, where your only chance of surviving a crash is
buckling up the heteros*xual way.”

If the seat belts, aka “safety belts” consist of either two male or two
female ends, they don’t actually form a “belt” because they can’t
connect.
They remain simply two rainbow-colored straps, rendering the term
“belt” a misnomer. As such, the first two pairings do not qualify to be
identified as either “belts” or as devices of “safety.”Because they
are non-complementary, neither term applies.

In this way, the KLM ad offers a perfect explanation of why same-s*x
“marriage” is an impossible notion.
 Click here

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Teaching kids to milk cows in Elementary Education in
 Click here

I bet whoever took this picture was laughing as they pushed the button.

And I bet the poor teacher was mortified if she saw the picture..!

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Dave the fighter pilot

A teacher asks the kids in her 3rd grade class: "What do you want to be
when you grow up?"

Little Dave says: "I wanna start out as a Fighter Pilot, then be a
billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest whore, give
her a Ferrari worth over a millionbucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a
mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, an Infinite Visa Card,
and all the while banging her like a loose screen door in a hurricane."

The teacher, shocked and not knowing what to do with this outrageous
response from little Dave, decides not to acknowledge what he said and
simply tries to continue with thelesson.

"And how about you, Sarah?

""I wanna be Dave's whore"

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Dyson nouvelle formule...
 Click here

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Pass onto the boys
 Click here

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Bad Day plus
 Click here

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The Door Knocker to keep pesky salesmen away.
 Click here

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Police dog
 Click here

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Senior Employment

My Only Day of Employment after Retirement

I retired from my long and successful career, but became bored.I decided to
accept a low-paid but stress-free job as a greeter at our local Bunnings
store.After landing my new job as a greeter, a good find for many retirees,
I lasted less than a day .

Here is my story...About two hours into my first day on the job, a very
loud, decidedly unattractive, and inappropriately dressed woman walked into
the store along with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way
through the entrance.

Here is her picture:

As I had been instructed, I said pleasantly, "Good morning and welcome."I
then said, "Nice children you have there. Are they twins?”

The ugly woman stopped yelling at the children just long enough to say to
me, "Of course they aren't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one' s
only 5.Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just
f*cking stupid?”

I replied, "I'm neither blind nor stupid, Madam... I just couldn't believe
someone would screw you twice.Have a good day and thank you for shopping
with us”.

My Supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work.
 Click here Click here

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Some more stuff
 Click here Click here

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More Twitter stuff
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

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For Your TDS issues.
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

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Boared to Death
 Click here

Two fishos on an expedition 20km downstream from Shady Camp boat ramp, on
the Mary River, in the Northern Territory, Australia, witnessed the
remarkable natural phenomenon, of seven or eight crocs fighting over a dead
feral boar carcass. Eventually, one tenacious 3 metre saltie claimed the
dinner for himself, and took off to woof it down on a sandbank. Angler
Chris
Errity snapped the photo of the reptile, as it slid straight past his boat,
swine trapped firmly in it's jaws.

Mr Errity said "There were heaps of crocs hanging around it, and quite a
few of them were having a blue over it, fighting over their catch. Then the
one in the photo, not really that big, just over 3 metres, ended up
grabbing it.
We were pretty much right on top of it, and he didn't care at all. He said,
'nup, this is my pig, and I ain't letting it go for no one'. We were
literally about a metre from it."

Mr Errity and his fishing mate were in a 5.5metre boat, and said they felt
fairly safe, when they saw the dinner party taking place.

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Lightning Hits River
 Click here

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Helicopter Tree Sawing
 Click here

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[ End friday humour ]

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