Friday humour - August 25, 2017

 From Burnout @ Bluehaze:

From: Sack
Subject:  Nudism for pensioners warning

On his first day at the Nudist Colony Sid takes off his clothes, and starts
to wander around.
A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and Sid immediately gets an erection.
The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, 'Did you call
for me?'Sid replies, 'No, what do you mean?'
She says, 'You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if
you get an erection, it implies you called for me.'
Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a
towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.

Sid continues to explore the nudist colony's facilities. He enters the
sauna and, as he sits down, he farts....
Within minutes, a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam-room toward him,
'Did you call for me?' says the hairy man.
'No, what do you mean?' says Sid
'You must be new,' says the hairy man, 'it's a rule that if you fart,
it implies that you called for me..' The huge man easily spins him around,
bends him over a bench and has his way with him.

Then Sid staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the
smiling, naked receptionist, 'May I help you?' she says.
Sid yells, 'Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you
can keep the $400 membership fee.'
‘But, Sir,' she replies, 'you've only been here for a few hours. You
haven't had the chance to see all our facilities.'
Sid replies, 'Listen lady, I'm 75 years old. I only get an erection once a
month, but I fart 35 times a day!!'

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From: Seasoldier
Subject: Irish Alzheimers

Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he
saw him. He had never been to church in his life.

After Mass, the priest caught up with him and said, "Murphy, I am so glad
ya decided to come to Mass. What made ya come?"

Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you Father. A while back, I misplaced
me hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat
just like mine and I knew he came to church every Sunday. I also knew that
he had to take off his hat during Mass and figured he would leave it in the
back of church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal
McGlynn's hat."

The priest said, "Well, Murphy, I notice that ya didn't steal McGlynn's
hat. What changed your mind?"

Murphy replied, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I
decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat after all."

With a tear in his eye the priest gave Murphy a big smile and said; "After
I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal 'ya decided you would rather do
without your hat than burn in Hell?"

Murphy slowly shook his head. "No, Father, after ya talked about 'Thou
Shalt Not Commit Adultery', I remembered where I left me hat."

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From: Seasoldier
Subject: Who would Have Thought it Eh?
Hard to believe but . . ..who would have thought it eh??..

A recent survey indicates that the Smartphone is now the number one hand
held device.

     The penis has slipped to second spot.

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From: Seasoldier
Subject: Beautiful use of the English language

I called an old friend and asked him what he was doing. He replied that he
was working on "Aqua-thermal treatment of ceramics, aluminum and steel
under a constrained environment".

I was really impressed....

On further inquiry I learned that he was washing dishes with hot water...
under his wife's supervision.

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From: Wally
Subject: Herman
 Click here
 Click here
 Click here
 Click here
 Click here
 Click here
 Click here
 Click here
 Click here
 Click here
 Click here
 Click here
 Click here
 Click here
 Click here

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From: Anonymous3
Subject: 1910 Ford....and what was available back in 1910
 Click here

1910 Ford....what was available back in 1910

This definitely puts everything in perspective.
Make sure you read all the statistics under the photo.
Show this to your friends, children and grand-children!
What a difference a century makes!
This has only been 107 years ago!! Amazing!!!

1910 FORD
Here are some statistics for the year 1910:

1.The average life expectancy for men was 47 years.
2. Fuel for this car was only sold in drug stores.
3. Only 14 percent of the homes had a bathtub.
4. Only 8 percent of the homes had a telephone.
5. There were only 8,000 cars and only 144 miles of paved roads.
6. The maximum speed limit in most cities was 10 mph.
7. The tallest structure in the world was the Eiffel Tower!
8. The average US wage in 1910 was 22 cents per hour.
9. The average US worker made between $200 and $400 per year.
10. A competent accountant could expect to earn $2,000 per year,
a dentist $2,500 per year, a veterinarian between $1,500 and $4,000 per
year, and a mechanical engineer about $5,000 per year.
11. More than 95 percent of all births took place at HOME.
12. Ninety percent of all Physicians had NO COLLEGE EDUCATION!
Instead, they attended so-called medical schools, many of which were
condemned in the press AND by the government as 'substandard.'
13. Sugar cost four cents a pound.
14. Eggs were fourteen cents a dozen.
15. Coffee was fifteen cents a pound.
16. Most women only washed their hair once a month, and used Borax or egg
yolks for shampoo.
17. Canada passed a law that prohibited poor people from entering into
their country for any reason.
18. The five leading causes of death were:
     A. Pneumonia and influenza
     B. Tuberculosis
     C. Diarrhea
     D. Heart disease
     E. Stroke
19. The American flag had 45 stars.
20. The population of Las Vegas Nevada was only 30!
21. Crossword puzzles, canned beer, and iced tea hadn't been invented yet.
22. There was no Mother's or Father's Day.
23. Two out of every 10 adults couldn't read or write and only 6 percent of
all Americans had graduated from high school.
24. Eighteen percent of households had at least one full-time servant or
domestic help.
25. There were about 230 reported murders in the ENTIRE U.S.A.
(but almost everyone had a gun!).
26. I am now going to forward this to some-one else without typing it
myself.
 From there, it will be sent to others all over the WORLD . . .
all in a matter of seconds! Try to imagine what it may be like in another
100 years.

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From: Mitta
Subject: Best beer commercial
 Click here

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From: Sack
Subject: A Warning Poster
 Click here

Subject:  Perils of a Protestant   Upbringing

As I walked down the busy side walk with my wife, knowing I was late for
Mass my eyes fell upon one of those unfortunate ragged vagabonds that are
found in every city these days.
Some people turned to stare. Others quickly looked away as if the sight
would somehow contaminate them.
Recalling my old pastor, Father Mike, who always admonished me to "care for
the sick, feed the hungry and clothe the naked", I was moved by some
powerful inner urge to reach out to this unfortunate person.
Wearing what can only be described as rags, carrying her treasured worldly
possessions in two plastic bags, my heart was touched by this person's
condition.
Yes, where some people saw only rags,  I saw a true, hidden beauty.

A small voice inside my head called out,

"Reach out....reach out . .and touch this person!"
 Click here

So I did.
I won't be at Church this week.
 Click here

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From: Seasoldier
Subject: pistol, new release
 Click here

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From: Wally
Subject: Golden Shower
 Click here Click here

Transgender Canadian artist Heather Cassils, will display the following
installation at New York's Ronald Feldman Fine Arts gallery on Sept. 16.
The centrepiece is P*SSED, a minimalist glass cylinder, containing almost
800 litres of urine. Which is a collection of all the liquid the artist has
passed, since the Trump administration rescinded an Obama-era executive
order, allowing transgender students to use the bathroom matching their
chosen gender identities. The sculpture is contextualized by audio
recordings, from the Virginia school board, and the Fourth Court of
Appeals,
articulating the ignorance and biases, that run through every level of
judicial proceedings. First thought was, that's a lot of pee. Trump
rescinded Obama's executive order on 22nd February, and 206 days will have
passed between the rescinding, and the exhibit on 16th September. That
means
Cassils, in turn, must be passing about three and a half litres of urine
per day.
According to the website MedlinePlus,  Cassils
must be drinking about 4 litres of water a day, to be peeing that much.

Coleman Sweeney was an As*hole
 Click here

Subject: 6 X Photos
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

Subject: The Dambusters
 Click here Click here

A specialised piece of underwater scanning equipment has been used to
locate, and identify WW2 bouncing bombs in a Scottish loch. The scuba
divers have completed a daring mission to raise two historic, 'Highball'
bouncing bombs, like those used by the Dambusters squadron, on the
successful raid of the Eder Dam. Footage of the Highball bombs being tested
was actually used in the World War II film classic, The Dambusters. The
iconic Highball bombs were recovered in perfect condition by divers. Around
200 Highballs have lain at the bottom of Loch Striven in Argyll, for almost
75 years, since they were tested by the Royal Navy, for use in the Eder Dam
raid, in the
Second World War. The bombs, which are inactive, were secured by the
divers,
ready for lifting by the Royal Navy. Now the aim is to donate the Highballs
to two museums, so they can be put on public display, in the time for the
75th anniversary of The Dambusters raid, in 2018.

Subject: Croc eats Croc
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

It's a Croc eat Croc world.

These extraordinary images show the moment a monster 4m saltwater crocodile
bites the head off a 2m croc, and eats it.
Known as "Charlie", the cannibal croc is a prime tourist attraction in the
mangrove-clad wetlands of D*ckson Inlet, at Port Douglas, 60km north of
Cairns, Queensland.
Weighing more than half a tonne, he's been the dominant male of his
territory for at least nine years, and is known to have killed at least two
big rival males.
Lady Douglas paddleboat skipper Drew Weyand, took the shots on one of his
river cruises.

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Quote of the Week:
“Nothing is particularly hard, if you divide it into small jobs.” -
Henry Ford.

Friday Humour is not prudish but we reserve the right to modify w*rds
which could draw the attention of over-zealous email spam filters and
prevent the Friday Humour email reaching your inbox.

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