Friday humour - August 18, 2017



This week's Friday Humour brought to you with aplomb, by Anon3, Sack,
Seasoldier, Wally, Whizzbang and DigiSteve.

Enjoy!

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Blackboard Wisdom at a Gas Station

A  filling station has become quite a landmark in Gauteng with its daily
#PetrolPumpWisdom, which are uplifting quotes written on a chalkboard.
Some motorists say they deliberately travel this route just to read the
quote which brightens their day. Here’s a selection:

The lady behind this wonderful initiative at Hutton Hyde Park is Alison
Billett.

She told SAPeople: “We inherited the board from the previous owner, D*ck
Hutton, when we bought the filling station from him almost 20 years ago.

“We continued the tradition and it has become a landmark – more so now
that it’s on social media!

“Not a day goes by when I don’t get a call or a visit from someone to
tell me how much they appreciate the message – it seems that every day
there’s something that just speaks to what is going on in someone’s
life and that inspires or motivates them.

“Having people come and tell me their stories and how the quote helped
them in some small way is what motivates me to keep writing!

“We use a variety of quotations – some are topical, some are funny,
some are inspirational, some even reflect what is going on in my life that
day!

“Different things appeal to different people…

“The boards were spotted by a motivational speaker from the UK, Geoff
Ramm, when he was driving by one day and he was so taken by them he
included a piece about them in his book!

“The boards have appeared many times in newspapers and magazines and been
spoken about on radio stations all over the world. 9GAG has re-tweeted them
a few times too!”

Bob 95 FM in the USA recently posted Alison’s “Rest in Peace” quote
which has now been shared over a quarter of a million times around the
world!

Those who would disrespect our flag have never been handed a folded one.

—————————————

"A veteran is someone who at one point in their life, wrote a blank check
made payable to The United States of America for any amount, up to and
including their life."

—————————

"The further a society drifts from truth, the more it will hate those who
speak it.”

George Orwell

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Ignorance can be fixed, Stupid is FOREVER!

"Age is a case of mind over matter.

If you don't mind, it don't matter."

-Satchel Paige

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THE AMAZING IPAD MAGICIAN...... worth a look , a modern magician , how does
he do it?
 Click here

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THE ITALIAN POKER CLUB

Six retired Italian Floridian fellows were playing poker in the condo
clubhouse when Guido loses $1,000 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and
drops dead at the table....
Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five continue playing,
but standing up.

At the end of the game, Giovanni looks around and asks, "So, who's gonna'
tell his wife?"
They cut the cards. Pasquale picks the low card and has to carry the news.
They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any
worse.
"Discreet? I'm the most discreet person you'll ever meet. Discretion is my
middle name. Leave it to me!"

So, Pasquale goes over to the Guido's condo and knocks on the door.
The wife answers through the door and asks what he wants? Pasquale
declares: "Your husband just lost $1,000 in a poker game and is afraid to
come home."
"Tell him to drop dead!" yells the wife.

"I'll go tell him." says Pasquale.

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GOOD ONE !!!!

A young ventriloquist is touring Norway and puts on a show in a small
fishing town. With his dummy on his knee, he starts  going through his
usual dumb blonde jokes.

Suddenly a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts
shouting, "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you
think you can stereotype Norwegian blonde women that way? What does the
color of a woman's hair have to do with her worth as a human being?
It’s men like you who keep women like me from being respected at
work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as people.

Its people like you that make others think that all blondes are dumb! You
and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only
blondes, but women in general, pathetically all in the name of humor!"

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells:
"You stay out of this! ......I'm talking to that little sh*t on your lap."

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A soldier's wife

This came from a U.S. soldier's wife.  It says it all:

"I sat, as did millions of other Americans, and watched as the government
underwent a peaceful transition of power a few short months ago ...

At first, I felt a swell of pride and patriotism while Donald Trump took
his Oath of Office.

However, all that pride quickly vanished as I later watched 21 Soldiers, in
full dress uniform with rifles,
fire a 21-gun salute to the President.

It was then that I realized how far
America's military had deteriorated.

Every one of them missed the bastard..."

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Three men

Three men are killed in a crash on Christmas Day, and all find themselves
at St. Peter's gate....

St. Peter says to the men:"Seeing as it's Christmas time, you'll each need
to show me something that symbolizes the spirit of the season, to get
through the gate."

The first man fishes in his pocket and pulls out his lighter, and lights
it, and says:"Candles symbolize Christmas!"

St. Peter says:"Very well, you can go in."

The second man thinks for a bit (since he can no longer use his lighter),
and fishes in his pockets and pulls out his keys. He shakes them a bit and
says:"They sound like Jingle Bells!"

St. Peter says:"Very well, you may enter."

The third man thinks even longer.. and finally fishes in his pocket and
pulls out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter, confused, says:"And what have you got there?"

The third man says:"They're Carol's!"

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Entertainment For The Day
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here

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Thank you for dinner
 Click here

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Has happened !!!
 Click here

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Breaking News...
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

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GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here

Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa; half discovered, half wild,
fertile & naturally beautiful!

Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe; well developed and open to
trade, especially for someone of real value.

Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain, very hot, relaxed and convinced
of her own beauty.

Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece, gently aging but still a warm
and desirable place to visit.

Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain, with a glorious and all
conquering past.

Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel, has been through war, doesn't
make the same mistakes

twice, takes care of business.

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada, self-preserving, but open to
meeting new people.

After 70, she's like Tibet. Wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and
the wisdom of the ages.

An adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge.

THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN:

Between 17 and 90, a man is like North Korea,

ruled by a pair of nuts.

That's the end of today's geography lesson.

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God Bless Australia!

THE Pauline Hanson ANNUAL WALK NAKED IN AUSTRALIA DAY

Don't forget to mark your calendars.
As you may already know, it is a sin for a Muslim male to see any woman
other than his wife naked and if he does, he must commit suicide.
So on Sat*rday at 1 p.m. all Aussie women are asked to walk out of their
house completely naked to help weed out any neighborhood
Circling your block for one hour is recommended for this anti-terrorist
effort.

All patriotic men are to position themselves in lawn chairs in front of
their houses to demonstrate their support for the women and to prove that
they are not Muslim terrorist sympathizers.

Since Islam also does not approve of alcohol, a cold 6-pack at your side is
further proof of your patriotism.

The Australian government appreciates your efforts to root out terrorists
and applauds your participation in this anti-terrorist movement.
God Bless AUSTRALIA!

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Home Depot Scam [XXX]
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here

Don't fall for it!!!

EVERYONE OF US ARE TOO DAMN OLD TO BE FALLING FOR THIS SCAM!

I WAS HIGH PRESSURED BY THE SALES PERSON AT HOME DEPOT

TO BUY SPRAY KITCHEN FAUCETS.

I DIDN'T NEED ONE BUT YOU MAY FALL FOR THE SCAM

WHEN YOU SEE THE FAUCET DEMONSTRATION..

AND BUY 52.....OF THEM

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The Rose.
 Click here

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Heat Photos
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

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Swine Dining
 Click here

A Bacon-Loving Saltie devours a wild pig in Kakadu, Australia

Yellow Water Cruises tour guide Amy Pierce snapped these pictures of a 5m
crocodile with a wild pig in its jaws.

Ms Pierce said her husband Josh, who is also a tour guide, saw the croc
take down the pig on Sunday morning.

When she took a tour through the area later that day, the amorous beast was
still there with his prize.

The croc demonstrated its softer side to her tour group by sharing his meal
with some prospective partners.

"He handed it off to a female croc who was guarding it," Ms Pierce said.

"She took two bits of meat out of it and he took it off her, and took it to
show some other girls."

The massive croc moved into the area about a fortnight ago.

With crocodile breeding season a few weeks away, Ms Pierce said the
leathery Lothario was likely setting itself up for some love.

But he may face some competition from the region's current dominant
crocodile Maxi.

While the interloper has a significant size advantage on his love rival,
Maxi has form in croc-to-croc combat.

Maxi, who is a bit over 4m, is also known as the "cannibal croc" after he
was spotted chowing down on a younger 2m crocodile in 2015.

Ms Pierce said Maxi was giving the big fella a wide berth. "Maxi's still
around, but he seems to be hiding around the bend," she said.

The romance was likely lost on the unlucky sow's newly orphaned piglets.

Ms Pierce said the two piglets, which she estimated to be about a week old,
were clearly distressed as they crossed the river in search of their mum.

"Seeing the piglets was a little disturbing for tour group members. It's
exciting to see predation, but seeing them looking for mum is kind of
confronting," she said.

But she said it was difficult to work up too much sympathy for the feral
animals.

"I've been seeing more pigs around lately, than in the last couple years,"
she said.

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German Luftwaffe WW2 Photos
 Click here

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Strandbeest

Theo Jansen is a mechanical design genius with imagination.  He creates
"walking animals" driven by wind power.
 Click here

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Glen Campbell
 Click here

With the death today of Glen Campbell, it reminds me, when he played his
version of the Lone Ranger's  William Tell Overture.
 Click here

And talking about the Lone Ranger, here is a funny story from the David
Letterman Show, about Clayton Moore, who played the Lone Ranger.
 Click here

Finally, a sad look at Glen Campbell's life in I'm Not Going to Miss You
 Click here

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Sunday Gardener [language]
 Click here

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It's all in the Angle of the Dangle
 Click here

Photographing kids learning how to milk cows in Elementary

Education in Wisconsin, is all about camera angle.

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Dyson's New Ball Blade [XXX]
 Click here

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Wally's Wacky Weekly (W/E - 13th August)
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

New Dad

Odessa, Texas, resident Ernesto Acosta, 34, has legally changed his name to
Ernesto Trump, and declared himself the son of President Trump. His
Facebook page features photographs of Ernesto wearing a Trump-like wig, and
asks viewers to "Please share this so that my Dad, your president, can see
this, and spend time with me." Ernesto is a fan of President Trump, but his
immigrant mother is unamused about his name change.

Bad Mum

Alana Nicole Donahue, 27, of Springfield, Oregon, just wanted to entertain
her children and nephew, with a joy ride around the neighbourhood. But, as
she pulled the kids (ages 2, 4 and 8) behind her Ford Taurus, in a plastic
red wagon, she was arrested for reckless endangerment. Donahue told police
she was just showing the kids a good time. However, horrified witnesses saw
the car going about 30 mph, as the wagon went up on two wheels going around
a busy traffic circle at rush hour.

Didn't have a Good Look

David Blackmon,32, identified himself as a drug dealer, when he called the
Okaloosa, Florida, County Sheriff's Office, to report that $50 in cash, and
a quarter-ounce of cocaine, had been stolen from his car. When officers
investigated, they found a baggie with suspected cocaine, a crack pipe and
a crack rock in the car. Blackmon was charged with possession of cocaine,
and drug paraphernalia.

Marijuana made Him do It

Everett Compton, 49, told Siloam Springs, Arkansas, police that marijuana
makes him do strange things, after they apprehended him, for abusing his
neighbour's donkey. The donkeys' owner, Emert Whitaker, had set up a
surveillance camera, and recorded Compton on three occasions, putting a bag
over a donkey's head.

Technology Runs Amok

A security robot named Steve, suffered a soggy fatal error, when it tumbled
down several steps, and into a fountain in Washington, D.C. New to the job,
the robot had been patrolling the Washington Harbour area of Georgetown,
mapping out it's features, in an effort to prevent just such an accident.
"He looked so happy and healthy," a witness said after the incident.
Another witness was less sympathetic. "Robots: 0; Humans: 1," she said.

Pink Panther strikes Again

Police in Wayne County, North Carolina, are looking for a careless cat
burglar, who keeps waking people up, as he robs them. At least one victim
awakened by the slender white man, saw him wearing a pink polka-dot beach
towel around his head. Police said so far he hasn't actually gotten away
with any loot.

Four Heads would be Better than Three

Three heads are apparently not better than one, as three China Grove, North
Carolina, masterminds demonstrated. Rex Allen Farmer, his son, Rex Carlo
Farmer, and the younger man's girlfriend, Kayla Nicole Price, cooked up a
scheme to rob the Mooresville gas station, where the elder Farmer worked.
Surveillance video showed Carlo, disguised in a woman's dress and wig,
emptying the cash register, as his father, the clerk on duty, stood by.
Carlo then ran outside, and removed the dress and wig, setting them on fire
next to the building. However, the fire spread to a meter on the building,
thus summoning authorities. Police soon caught up to all three, and
arrested them.

Parrot (1)

An African grey parrot named Bud, appears to be the key witness in
convicting 49-year-old Glenna Duram of White Cloud, Michigan, in the
shooting death of her husband, Martin Duram, 46. The investigation of the
shooting dragged on for a year, before Martin's first wife, who inherited
the parrot, shared with police, a videotape of Bud imitating two people
having an argument, including the words "Don't (expletive) shoot." Glenna
Duram was arrested, and charged with first-degree murder.

Parrot (2)

Fire department dispatchers in Branson, Missouri, must have thought it was
a joke, when they received a call, to rescue a bird from a tree. But it was
no joke. A ladder truck was dispatched, to rescue "Tony" the parrot that
had escaped, and became tangled in it's leash 50 feet up in a tree. Bonus:
The fireman who braved the 50-foot climb was Colt Birdman.

Anger Management Needed

Two AT&T utility workers apparently didn't work fast enough on lines
outside the home of Jorge Jove, 64, of Hialeah, Florida. After confronting
the workers, Jove went back into his house, came out carrying a gun, and
began shooting at the AT&T trucks, deflating the tyres. Jove reloaded
twice, and shot at the trucks' engines, before aiming at Gilberto Ramos, a
service worker who was up on a utility pole. Jove was charged with
aggravated assault, with a deadly weapon.

Stairway (1)

Adi Astl, 73, took it upon himself to solve a safety problem in Tom Riley
Park in the Etobicoke area of Toronto, Ontario. Accessing the park meant
navigating a steep hill, and Astl felt it was dangerous. The city balked at
building a stairway, citing a cost between $65,000 and $150,000. So Astl, a
retired mechanic, built it himself, with the help of a homeless man, for
$550. Responding to the resulting media storm, the city now plans to build
a regulation stairway costing $10,000.

Stairway (2)

Meanwhile, in British Columbia's New Westminster, the city has constructed,
at a cost of $200,000, an unfinished stairway to nowhere. The structure was
originally intended to replace the required fire escape on a building, but
was left incomplete, and still unattached to the building, when concerns
arose about wires overhead.

Move over Mace

Women in China are buying anti-pervert flamethrowers that can be carried
discreetly in a handbag, and launch a scorching rebuff up to 50cm, when
needed. Chinese police have warned that the devices are illegal, but one
vendor called them a legal, non-lethal tool.

Bored Husbands

The Global Harbour Mall in Shanghai, China, has introduced husband storage
facilities for bored men, who have accompanied their wives shopping. The
glass pods include a chair, monitor, computer, and game pad, where husbands
can play vintage video games, while their wives shop. Reaction from pod
dwellers has been mixed, with lack of ventilation, the most common
complaint.

Law and Order

About a week after police in Minneapolis killed unarmed Justine Ruszczyk,
after she called to report an assault, orange signs began popping up on
street poles depicting a jumping police officer with a gun in each hand,
and the warning, "Twin Cities Police Officers Easily Startled." Minneapolis
police department spokeswoman Sgt. Catherine Michal said that public works
employees were removing the signs, which were made of metal, and resembled
traffic signs.

People Different From Us

Barbara Rogers, 32, of Coolbaugh Township, Pennsylvania, said she was just
following directions, when she shot her boyfriend, Steven Mineo, 31, in the
forehead. Rogers said Mineo asked her to kill him, because he thought a
cult they belonged to, was led by a reptilian pretending to be a human.
Rogers called 911 to report the shooting, after which she was charged with
criminal homicide.

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I just bought a microwave fireplace. You can spend an evening in front of
it in only eight minutes.
--Steven Alexander Wright

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[ End friday humour ]

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