Friday humour - August 04, 2017

[from Steve @ Bluehaze]

Thanks this week to Digi Steve, JC, KRP, Sack, Seasoldier, and Wally

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The Donald
 Click here

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Sample Cover Letter for Journal Manuscript Resubmissions - Academia
 Click here

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An understandable mistake

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate
father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive,
Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man
should be here soon.'

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer
happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning,
Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'

'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been
expecting you.'

'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know
babies are my specialty?'

'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a
seat!

After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'

'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the
couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor
is fun. You can really spread out there.'

'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and
me!'

'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try
several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure
you'll be pleased with the results.'

'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith...

'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In
and Out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'

'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his
baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.

'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their
mother was so difficult to work with.'

'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.

'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job
done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good
look'

'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The
mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate,
and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the
squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...
equipment?'

'It's true, Ma'am, yes... Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and
we can get to work right away.'

'Tripod?'

'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too
big to be held in the hand for long.'

Mrs. Smith fainted

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Need a Chuckle Today

  A SIGN IN A SHOE REPAIR STORE IN VANCOUVER THAT READ:
  We will heel you
  We will save your sole
  We will even dye for you.

  Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
  "Dr. Jones, at your cervix.";

  At an Optometrist's Office:
  "If you don't see what you're looking for,
  You've come to the right place.";

  On a Plumber's truck :
  "We repair what your husband fixed.";

  On another Plumber's truck:
  "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.";

  At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee :
  "Invite us to your next blowout.";

  On an Electrician's truck:
  "Let us remove your shorts.";

  On a Maternity Room door:
  "Push. Push. Push.";

  At a Car Dealership:
  "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment.";

  Outside a Muffler Shop:
  "No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.";

  In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
  "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!";

  At the Electric Company:
  "We would be delighted if you send in your payment on time.
  However, if you don't, YOU will be de-lighted.";

  In a Restaurant window:
  "Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up.";

  In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
  "Drive carefully. We'll wait.";

  In a Chicago Radiator Shop:
  "Best place in town to take a leak.";

  And the best one for last…;
  Sign on the back of another Septic Tank Truck:
  "Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises"

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Logic of Man

After 10 years, the wife starts to think their child looks a little odd, so
she decides to do a DNA test. She finds out that the kid is actually from
completely different parents.

Wife: Honey, I have something very serious to tell you.

Husband: What's up?

Wife: According to DNA test results, this is not our kid.

Husband: Well, don't you remember? When we were leaving the hospital, you
saw the baby had pooped his diaper. Then you said: Please go change the
baby, I'll wait for you here. So I went inside, got a clean one and left
the messy one there.

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WHAT'S COUPLE S*X?

An 8-year-old girl went to her Grandfather, who was working in the yard,
and asked him: "Grampa, what's couple s*x?"

Her Grandfather was surprised that she would ask him such a question but
decided that, if she was old enough to ask, she was old enough to be given
a straight

answer.  So, steeling himself to leave out nothing, he proceeded to tell
her all about human reproduction and the joys and responsibilities of
intercourse.

By the time he'd finished, the little girl was looking at him with her
mouth hanging open and her eyes wide with amazement.

Seeing the look on her face, her Grandfather said:
"Why did you ask this question honey?"

And the little girl replied:

"Because Grandma said to tell you that dinner will be ready in just a
couple secs."

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Columbia River meets Pacific Ocean (Oregon, USA) 
 Click here

This video is of commercial fishing boats returning from fishing off the
coast of Washington and Oregon.  They are crossing the Columbia Bar, which
is the site where the Columbia River meets the Pacific Ocean. This is
designated as one of the most dangerous ports of entry anywhere in the
world. There are at least eight to 10 deaths per year with people trying to
get in or out in boats, that are not made for this kind of severe beating.
These fishing boats are self-righting, have a super low centre of gravity,
sealed engine compartments, basically bullet-proof glass windows, and
double steel hulls.  The Coast Guard often closes the entrance, due to
waves of 35 to 45 feet.

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Flyboard Air

The board has 4 small turbojet engines (used in RC model aircraft) for lift
and 2smaller ones on the side for stabilization.  The backpack is full of
fuel (not flotation).  There is a remote to control the vertical thrust. 
The control of the craft is through shifting one’s balance (along with a
computer to aid in stabilization).

This 5 minute video just in from an event in Naples, Florida. This will
blow your mind!

The Incredible Flyboard Air
 Click here

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Really skilled labourers
 Click here

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Unhappy Customer
 Click here

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Charlie Brown is back and he is so precious! Just to make your day.
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

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Just make do with what you can afford !!
 Click here

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Crying baby
 Click here
The neighbours complained about the couple next door who left their baby
home alone all day and they could hear it crying from morning until night.
The Police went around and broke down the door and the attached video shows
what they found!!!

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The Emperors new clothes [XXX]
 Click here

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I love this one
 Click here

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The_Sicilian
 Click here

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The Longest Password Ever!
 Click here

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Mental Hospital Release Exam
 Click here Click here

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How to Tell the S*x of a Fly

This is the cleanest E-mail joke I've come across in a long while!

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a
fly swatter

'What are you doing?' she asked.

'Hunting Flies' he responded.

'Oh. ! Killing any?' she asked.

'Yep, 3 males, 2 Females,' he replied.

Intrigued, she asked, 'How can you tell them apart?'

He responded, '3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone.'

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Profound Philosophy 101
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

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Preacher's son picking a profession

An old southern country preacher from Georgia had a teenage son named Phil
and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a
profession.

Like many young men, the boy didn't have a clue what he wanted to do, and
didn't seem too concerned about it.
One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an
experiment.
He went into the boy's room and placed four objects on his desk:

- A Bible
- A silver dollar - A bottle of Jack Daniels whiskey - A Playboy magazine

The old preacher then says to himself "I'll just hide behind the door, and
when he comes home from school this afternoon, I'll see which object he
picks up.
If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing
that would be!
If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a businessman, and that would
be OK;
But if picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunkard, and, Lord,
what a shame that would be.
And worst of all, if he picks up that horrible magazine he's gonna be a
skirt-chasin' bum."

The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's footsteps entering
the house and whistling and he headed for his room.

The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave spotted the
objects on the desk.
With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them.

He picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm, dropped the silver
dollar into his pocket, uncorked the bottle, and chugged a big long drink
while he studied the details of this month's centerfold.

"Lord have mercy," the old preacher disgustedly whispered, "he's gonna be a
pilot!"

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How to Hide from the Police
 Click here

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Wally
Pied Piper Duck Show in Australia
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

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Hot Time in the Old Bed Tonight

An angry pregnant wife has attacked her cheating husband's mistress, by
forcing red-hot chilli peppers into her vagina.

Vietnamese media reports Ly Keo, 23, had noticed her husband had begun
disappearing for hours on end.

They'd only been married seven months, and she was already bearing his
first child.

Earlier this week, they followed Chien Keo, 24, to what turned out to be a
motel rendezvous in Thai Nguyen province, Vietnam.

Three-months pregnant Ly interrupted the pair, and stuffed chillies into
the mistress's vagina, while her three female friends held her down on a
motel bed.

The pictures of the incident have shocked internet readers across Asia.

As yet, there has been report of police intervention.

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Staying Fit the Easy Way
 Click here

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Kattenstoet: The Cat Throwing Festival
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

For the last sixty years, the city of Ypres in Belgium has held a popular
"Cat Parade" that draws visitors from around the country. Kattenstoet, or
the "Festival of the Cats", is held once every three years, and consist
chiefly of parades featuring giant cat effigies, brass bands, marchers, and
people riding on horseback. Revellers dress themselves as cats, witches, or
mice, and march through the town to the cheer of large crowds of people,
who turn out on the streets. While it's all gay and merry now, the origins
of
Kattenstoet is much darker.

In those days, Ypres, like many towns in the Flanders region of Belgium,
was renowned for it's cloth industry. Wool was imported from England, and
woven into fine garments by highly skilled craftsmen. Both the wool and the
finished product were stored in the Cloth Hall, one of the largest
commercial buildings of the time. But the cloth attracted mice, which
gnawed at the cloth, and procreated to unhealthy numbers.

To control the mice population, the cloth traders of Ypres brought in their
natural predator, the cat. But cats procreate too, and soon there were too
many cats than the city could handle. And so the cat killing began. This
being the age when cats were seen as harbinger of evil, nothing pleased the
townsfolk more, than throwing the animal off the bell tower of the local
church. When business went bad, the people made sure that there was always
a few extra cats tossed out off the window. With time, the killings became
a ritual, taking place on 'Cat's Wednesday', in the second week of Lent.

The barbaric practice continued until 1817 when the last killing took
place.
The last cat reportedly survived the fall, and scampered off as fast as it
could, before it could be caught again. From then on until the First World
War, Cats' Wednesday was celebrated simply by ringing of the church bells.

In 1938, a group of young altar boys organized a sort of cat parade. Each
was carrying a toy cat. When they reached the church, they first had a
feast, and then one of the boys climbed up the bell tower, and threw down
the cat toys.

The 'Festival of the Cats' remained mostly a local festival until the
1950s,
when folkloristic parades became the new rage all over West Flanders. On
the second Sunday of Lent in 1955, the first magnificent parade was
organized with 1,500 extras, all dressed in gorgeous costumes. Since then,
every three years the city has been celebrating Cat's Festival.

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MY WILL

I was on my laptop computer the other night drafting my will and I called
out to my wife, "WHEN I DIE I'M GOING TO LEAVE EVERYTHING TO YOU,
LOVE!"

She shouted back, "YOU ALREADY DO, YOU LAZY BASTARD!"

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 Old Age Magic Trick
 Click here

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      Ah-the-eah the-eah That's All (for this week) Folks!



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[ End friday humour ]

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