Friday humour - July 21, 2017



Quality is more important than quantity. One home run is much better than
two doubles.

                       ---Steve Jobs

Here at Friday Humour, we have both quality and quantity.

Thanks to our contributors: Arfermo, Burnout, Duke of Barsinov, JC, Sack,
Seasoldier, Whizzbang, DigiSteve, and Wally.

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Fare dinkum. What do Australians take on trains
 Click here

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Pet Shop

I was in a pet shop when I noticed a young Muslim with the most amazingly
coloured parrot perched on her shoulder.

"Where did you get that from ?" I asked.

"Manus Island. There's fu*/k/in' thousands of 'em!" said the Parrot.

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Side by Side
 Click here

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THESE ARE REAL COMPLAINTS RECEIVED BY "THOMAS COOK HOLIDAYS"
 Click here

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Words better left unsaid

After my recent Prostate Exam, which was the most thorough Exam I've ever had, 
the Doctor left the room and the nurse came in.

As she shut the door, she asked me a question I didn't need to hear.
She said ...."Who Was That Guy?"

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Baptist Cowboy

A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas , walks into a bar and
orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip
out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar
and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat
after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona
, the other is in Colorado . When we all left our home in Texas , we
promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank
together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for
myself."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He
orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice
and fall silent When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the
bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to
offer my condolences on your loss."

The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes
and he laughs.

"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I
joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."

"Hasn't affected my brothers though."

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THE HILLBILLY VASECTOMY

After their 11th child, a Kentucky couple decided that was enough, as

they could not afford a larger bed.  So the husband went to his
veterinarian

and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that

could fix the problem but that it was expensive.

'A less costly alternative,' said the doctor, 'is to go home, get a

cherry bomb, (fireworks are legal in Kentucky) light it, put it in a

beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10.

The Kentuckian said to the doctor, 'I may not be the smartest tool in

the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next

to my ear is going to help me. ''Trust me,' said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He

held the can up to his ear and began to count!

"1"

"2"

"3"

“4”

"5"

(you'll love this....)

At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and

continued counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in Tennessee, Louisiana, Arkansas,

Mississippi, Parts of Georgia, Missouri, West Virginia,

and All of Washington DC.

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The vacuum won't start...

A  retired guy sits around the house all day so one day his wife says,
“Joe, you could do something useful, like vacuum the house once a
week”.

The guy gives it a moment’s thought and says; “sure why not.  Show me
to the vacuum.

Half an hour later, the guy comes into the kitchen to get some coffee.

His wifesays, “I didn't hear the vacuum working, I thought you were using
it”?

Exasperated, Joe answers,”The stupid thing is broken, it won't start.
We need to buy a new one”. “Really”, she says, “show me - it worked
fine the last time”. So he did *
 Click here

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Hard to argue with irrefutable logic
 Click here
Excellent analogy.  Perfectly logical.

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The Pastor's Ass

The Pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. The Pastor was so
pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again and it won
again.

The local paper read: PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the
Pastor not to enter  the donkey in another race.

The next day the local paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.

This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Pastor to get rid of the
donkey. The Pastor decided to give it to a Nun in a nearby convent.

The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the
next day: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.

The Bishop fainted. He informed the Nun that she would have to get rid of
the donkey so she sold it to a farm for $10.

The next day the paper read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10

This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Nun to buy back the
donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.

The next day the headlines read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.

The Bishop was buried the next day.

The moral of the story is . . . being concerned about public opinion can
bring you much grief and misery . . . even shorten your life.

So be yourself and enjoy life. Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and
just cover your own !!!

You'll be a lot happier and live longer!

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All is not as it seems
 Click here

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Tornado alley
 Click here
WHOA!!! Watch This.
Unbelievable photography especially at the airport.  No this is not science
fiction.
[lots of CGI :-)] 

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37 Tombs of the Unknown Soldier around the World
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Antarctica
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Antarctica, the world's most southerly continent, is certainly the only
part of the world that is not on most bucket lists. Hardly anybody ever
thinks of coming here, and consequently, very little is known about
Antarctica. But the surprising truth is that Antarctica is an incredible
place, that seems to defy the natural physical laws that the rest of the
world observes. Read these stunning 24 facts and you'll see what we mean!

I'm sure Trump can re-negotiate this one ...

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Unseen WW2 Hero
 Click here

In 1939, on the eve of World War II, a young British
Stockbroker called Nicholas Winton did something truly incredible. He
Risked his life to save 669 mostly Jewish children from Czechoslovakia
During the Holocaust by ensuring their safe passage to Britain. And
Then, like a true hero, he never spoke of it again until fifty years
Later when his wife found a scr*pbook in the attic of their home that
Contained the names, pictures and doc*ments of the children that he
Saved.
Sir Nicholas, who was knighted by Queen Elizabeth in 2003 and who
Received the Czech Order of the White Lion in 2014, died on July 1,
2015, aged 106. Dubbed the British Schindler by the British press,
He appeared on a UK television programme called 'That's Life!' in 1988. He
was invited as a member of the audience, totally unaware that
The people sitting around him were alive only because of his bravery
And selflessness. See the moment he finally realises that those around
Him are the ones he actually saved!

This is one of the great video clips that we should be circulating on
Social media to share with others.

Pray that our world will never ever be
Faced with another holocaust

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American Professional DH's [language]
 Click here

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My boss has no sense of humour
 Click here

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Kim Jong Un Threat.....
 Click here

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Larry

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses.
She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand
up!'

After a few seconds, Little Larry stood up.

The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Larry?'

'No, ma'am, but I didn't like to see you standing there all by yourself!'

Larry watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face.
'Why do you do that, mum?' he asked.

'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the
cream with a tissue.

'What's the matter,' asked Larry 'are you giving up?'

Larry's class were on a field trip to their local police station where they
saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals.

One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the
photo of a wanted person.

'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him.

Larry asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture? "

Little Larry attended a horse auction with his father.
He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up
and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest.

After a few minutes, Larry asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?'

His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure
that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy.

Larry, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the milkman wants to buy Mom
.....'

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Anything Missing?
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Knee Exercise
 Click here
In recent years arthritis has caused my 71-year-old-knees to stiffen up. 
So, to loosen them up, I do this every morning for 5 minutes

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A Love Story
 Click here

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Katherine the Great - Absolutely Unbelievable
 Click here

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LAPD Car Pursuit
 Click here
(2011 - If only they did this worldwide today)

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Did You Know?
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Religion
 Click here

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18,000 Soldiers
 Click here
This photo was taken with 18,000 soldiers, after the end of WWI, in 1918.

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Wally's Wacky Weekly (W/E - 16th July)
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You Want Fries With That?

Eiram Dixson, 25, made a point of ordering fresh french fries at a Coon
Rapids, Minnesota, Wendy's drive-thru. When the exchange between the
dissatisfied Dixson, and a Wendy's worker escalated, the employee threw a
soda at Dixson, and Dixson fired back by spraying Mace through the
drive-thru window. Police charged Dixson, with one count of using tear gas
to immobilize.

Dad Eats Evidence

Rachel Borch, 21, of Hope, Maine, was out for a run, when a raccoon
attacked her. Thinking quickly, Borch grabbed the animal and, despite being
bitten,
ran to a puddle on the trail, and held it’s head underwater until it
drowned. (BONUS: Borch's father retrieved the dead raccoon, and delivered
it for rabies testing, in a Taste of the Wild dog food bag.

Add Insult to Injury

It was dark in the wee hours of a morning in Jacksonville, Florida, and
Cedric Jelks, 38, probably never saw the loaded gun on the driver's seat of
his car, as he got in, but he certainly felt it, after the gun went off,
wounding his manhood. When police investigating the report of a gunshot
wound, arrived at the hospital Jelks was taken to, they added firearms
charges to his pain, after discovering Jelks had a prior felony conviction
for dealing cocaine, and wasn’t allowed to carry a gun.

Why Not, It’s Raining?

A driver in Zhenjiang, China, took drive-thru service to the next level,
when he carefully pulled his tiny automobile through the front doors of a
convenience store, requested a package of potato chips, and a bottle of
yogurt, paid for his purchase, and reversed through the doors with the
cashier's guidance. Surveillance video shows the cashier waving and
saluting, as the car pulls away. The driver had been avoiding getting out
of his car in the rain.

Finer Point of the Law

A restaurant owner near Florence, Italy, was ordered to pay 2,000 euros in
fines, after judges in Italy's highest court declared it illegal to keep
lobsters on ice in restaurants because it causes them undue suffering. The
Judges ruled that the suffering caused by cooling the animals, while they
wait to be cooked, cannot be justified.

No Seatbelt for Lizzy

In a fit of law abidance, a Joseph Reton, 63, resident of Yorkshire,
England, called that country's emergency phone number, to report that Queen
Elizabeth II was not wearing her seatbelt as she departed the Palace of
Westminster, after delivering her traditional speech, at the State Opening
of Parliament. Police warned Reton, that the 999 system is meant to be used
only for emergencies.

More 4th of July Fireworks

Smoke bombs aren't just for celebrating the US nation's birth. Mike Tingley
of Grand Blanc Township, Michigan, burned his garage to the ground, on the
4th July, when he used smoke bombs to try to rid the structure of a bees'
nest. When firefighters from three townships arrived, fireworks stored in
the garage were shooting into the sky. His home, which was not attached to
the garage, was not damaged.

Everybody Loves Avocados

Ventura County, California, sheriff's officers charged three produce
workers with grand theft fruit, after they were caught making unauthorized
cash sales of avocados from a ripening facility. Joseph Valenzuela, 38,
Carlos
Chavez, 28, and Rahim Leblanc, 30, sold over $300,000 worth of
off-the-books avocados. “It's a big product here in California," said
Sgt. John Franchi.
"Everybody loves avocados."

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News That Sounds Like a Joke

The Innovation Centre for U.S. Dairy reported that the centre's most
frequently asked question on it’s website is, "Does chocolate milk come
from brown cows?" It was asked 847,063 times, from the 1,698, 571 questions
asked in 2016 (or 49.8%).

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Crime Report

A Spencer's store at Park Plaza Mall in Little Rock, Arkansas, took on a
Jerry Springer vibe, when a customer tried to steal a stripper pole. A
Spencer's employee chased the woman into the mall, and in the ensuing
struggle was bitten by the customer, who then relinquished the $40 stripper
pole, and ran away. At press time, the female biter was still at large.

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Too Much Time on Their Hands

An industrious group of Russian mechanics created a huge fidget spinner by
welding parts of three cars together in the shape of the ubiquitous toy.
The
Garage 54 team, based in Novosibirsk, tried spinning the creation with one
person in each car, but eventually had better luck with just one driver.

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Seemed Like a Good Idea at the Time

Sawang Boribun Fire Rescue, in Pattaya, Thailand, were called to a local
hospital, when doctors needed help extricating a patient from two metal
rings stuck on his penis. The patient, 33, who gave his name as Wirat,
first said he didn't know how the rings had gotten there, but later
admitted that he had been experimenting with them. When doctors couldn't
dislodge the s*x toys, they turned to firefighters, who worked for 30
minutes using pliers and cutting tools, to remove the rings.

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Spooky

A couple in Scotland have resorted to offering £50,000 for a live-in
nanny,
to care for their two young children, after five previous nannies have quit
in the last year, citing supernatural incidents. The homeowners describe
the property as lovely, spacious, and with spectacular views, but admit
they were told the house was haunted, before they bought it. Richard
Conway, CEO of Childcare.Co.UK, the website where the job is offered, said:
"The family has assured us that no harm has come to anyone living in the
house, however the nanny will have to have a strong disposition."

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"Whenever I have a problem, I sing.  Then I realize that my voice is a lot
worse than my problem.

                           --- unknown

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[ End friday humour ]

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