Friday humour - July 14, 2017


From Haz@bluehaze

Thanks for all the contributions, and keep them coming. Special mention to
Sack, Seasoldier, Wally Digi StevmAnonomous3, Mitta  and particularly
Seasoldier and Wally who have given us reason for a laugh this week


Wedding - Modern Marriage


Dearest Dad,

I'm coming home to get married soon, so get your check book out. I'm in
love with a man who is far away from me.
As you know, I'm in Australia and he lives in Scotland. We met on a dating
website, became friends on Facebook  and had long chats on Whatsapp. He
proposed to me on Skype, and now we've had two months of a relationship
through Viber.
My beloved Dad, I'd like your blessing, good wishes, and a really big

Lots of love and thanks.

Your daughter,


My Dear Lilly,
Like wow! Like cool!
I suggest that you two get married on Twitter, have fun on Tango, buy your
kids on Amazon, and pay for it all through PayPal.
And when you get fed up with your new husband, sell him on eBay.

Your Dad


The difference between potentially and realistically

A young boy went up to his father and asked him, 'Dad, what is the
difference between 'potentially’ and 'realistically'?'

The father thought for a moment, then answered, 'Go ask your mother if she
would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars.

Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million

and then ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million

Come back and tell me what you learn from that.

So the boy went to his mother and said 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for
a million dollars?'
The mother replied 'Of course I would! We could really use that money to
fix up the house and send you kids' to a great University!'

The boy then went to his sister and asked 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt
for a million dollars?' The girl replied 'Oh my Gawd! I LOVE Brad Pitt. I
would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?'

The boy then went to his brother and asked 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt
for a million dollars?'
'Of course' the brother replied. 'Do you know what a million bucks would

The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad.
His father asked him, 'Did you find out the difference between potentially'
and realistically'?'

The boy replied, 'Yes, 'Potentially' you and I are sitting on three million
But 'realistically', we're living with two hookers and a queer.'


Mechanic versus heart surgeon

Harley mechanic versus heart surgeon

A mechanic is removing a cylinder-head from the motor of a Harley
motorcycle when he spots a well-known heart surgeon checking out one of the
bikes the other end of the workshop.

Hey, Doc, he shouts, Want to take a look at this?
The surgeon walks over, puts on his glasses, and peers down at the innards
of the engine.

I got a question says the mechanic, wiping his hands on a rag. And maybe
you can tell me the answer. See this engine, Doc?  I open its heart, take
the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in. And when I
finish, it works just like new. Basically the same work you do, right.
Basically agrees the surgeon.

So says the mechanic, What I want to know is,  how come I only make $39,675
a year and you make over a million.
The surgeon thinks about this for a moment, then leans in and whispers in
the mechanics ear.

Have you ever tried doing it with the engine running?


Advice from a retired husband

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes
harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they
were younger.
 When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and
there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.

 My name is Ron. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife,

 When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Carol to get a
full-time job, along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for
the health benefits that we needed.

 Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her
age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets
home from work Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says
she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't
yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she
gets dinner on the table.

 I generally have lunch each day in the Men's Grill at the Golf Club, so
eating out is not an option in the evening. I'm ready for some home-cooked
grub when I hit that door. She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished
eating. But now, it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several
hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several
times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really
appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done, before
she goes to bed.

 Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example, she will
say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills
during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I
just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two,
or even three days. That way, she won't have to rush so much. I also remind
her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn’t hurt her any
(if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

 When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods.
She had to take a break, when she was only half-finished mowing the front
lawn. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man... I tell her to fix
herself  a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit
for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well
make one for me, too.

 I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Carol. I'm
not saying that showing this much patience & consideration is easy. Many
men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows
better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However,
guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your
aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was
well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.


 Ron died suddenly on January 31 of a perforated rectum.

 The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra-long 50-inch Big
Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of
grip showing, and a sledge hammer laying nearby.

 His wife Carol Anne was arrested and charged with murder...

 The all-woman jury took only 10 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting
her defense that Ron, somehow without looking, accidentally sat down on his
golf club.

 A hole in one, so to speak!!


People are Awesome - June
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Journalism at its best?
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Pie prices
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Domino effect
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The Story of Adam & Eve's Dog

Adam and Eve said, 'Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us
every day. Now we do not see you anymore. We are lonesome here, and it is
difficult for us to remember how much you love us'

And God said, I will create a companion for you that will be with you and
whowill be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even
when youcannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable
you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you
as I do, in  spite of yourselves.'

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve.

And it was a good animal and God was pleased.

And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his

And Adam said, 'Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom
and I cannot think of a name for this new animal.'

And God said, 'I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love
foryou, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him

And Dog lived with Adam and Eve andwas a companion to them and loved them.

And they were comforted.

And God was pleased.

And Dog was content and wagged his tail.

After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said,
'Lord,Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like
peac*cks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed
taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well.'

And God said, I will create for them a companion who will be with them and
who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their
limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of

And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve.

And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat's eyes,
they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings.

And Adam and Eve learned humility.

And they were greatly improved.

And God was pleased..

And Dog was happy.

And Cat . . .
didn't give a s..t one way or the other.


 Click here


Long Glass Bridge in China...
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A Good night ???
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Bear - IN ALASKA April 7. 2017
 Click here Click here


Read the article under the 2nd photo below:

Enough to scare you to death!

Holding Bear's Paw (above)

These pictures are of a man who works for the US Forest Service in Alaska,
and his trophy bear.

He was deer hunting last week when the large grizzly charged him from about
50 yards away.

The guy emptied his 7mm Magnum semi-automatic rifle into the bear and it
dropped a few feet from him.

The big bear was still alive so the hunter reloaded and shot it several
times in the head.

The bear was just over one thousand six hundred pounds.

It stood 12’ 6” high at the shoulder, 14’ to the top of his

It is the largest grizzly bear ever recorded in the world.

The Alaska Fish and Wildlife Commission did not let him keep it as a
trophy, of course; but the bear will be  stuffed and mounted, and placed on
display at the Anchorage airport to remind tourists of the risks involved
in the wild.

Analyzing contents of the bear’s stomach, the Fish and Wildlife
Commission established the bear had killed at least two humans in the past
72 hours, including a hiker missing two days prior to the bear's own death.

Backtracking from where the bear had originated, the US Forest Service
found the hiker's emptied 38-caliber pistol.

Not far from the pistol was the remains of the hiker.

The other body has not been found.

Although the hiker fired six shots and managed to hit the grizzly with four
(that the Service ultimately retrieved, along with twelve 7mm slugs, inside
the bear's body), it only wounded the bear and probably angered it

Think about this:

If you are an average size man, you would be level with the bear's navel
when he stood upright.

The bear would look you in the eye when it walked on all fours!

To give additional perspective, this bear, standing on its hind legs, could
walk up to an average single story house and look over the roof; or stand
beside a two-story house and look in the upper bedroom windows.



Knee Exercise
 Click here

In recent years arthritis has caused my knees to stiffen up
So, to loosen up my knees, every morning for 10 minutes
Ive been doing the exercise shown in the attached video.
This exercise is guaranteed to make your knees stronger and more flexible


Different Ways of Looking at Things

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on s*x, marriage, and family

Bill said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?'
Larry replied, 'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?'

  ______________________________ _______

A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad, where did my
intelligence come from?'  The father replied. 'Well, son, you must have got
it from your mother, cause I still have mine.'

  ______________________________ _______

  'Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce Court
Judge said, 'And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,'
  'That's very fair, your honor,' the husband said. 'And every now and then
I'll try to send her a few bucks myself.'

  ______________________________ _______

  A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room,
took the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife at
  'Me neither doc,' said the husband. 'But she's a great cook and really
good with the kids.'

  ______________________________ _______

  An old woman goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse she
has been living with for the last 40 years.
  The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words
that were used to put the curse on you.'
  The old woman says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and

  ______________________________ _______

  Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder:
  1. The DNA all matches.
  2. There are no dental records.

  ______________________________ _______

  A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, 'Can you tell me how long it'll
take to fly fromSan Francisco to New York City ?'
  The agent replies, 'Just a minute.'
  'Thank you,' the blonde says, and hangs up.

  ______________________________ _______

  Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.
  'How was he killed?' asked one detective..
  'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied.
  'A golf gun! What is a golf gun?'
  'I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.'

  ______________________________ _______

  Moe: 'My wife got me to believe in religion.'
  Joe: 'Really?'
  Moe: 'Yeah, until I married her I didn't believe in Hell.'

  ______________________________ _______

  A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and asks
him how he is feeling.
  'I'm O. K. But I didn't like the four letter-words the doctor used in
surgery,' he answered.
  'What did he say,' asked the nurse.

  ______________________________ _______

  While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of
bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had
even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice.
  'What do you think?' I asked. 'Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?'
  'Better get a bikini,' he replied. 'You'd never get it all in one.'
  He's still in intensive care.

  ______________________________ _______

  The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive clap
of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning,
  accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance...
  The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well, she's


 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
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Incredible, unbelievable story.  God was definitely with them.

B-17 "All American" (414th Squadron, 97BG) Crew
Pilot- Ken Bragg Jr.
Co-pilot- G. Boyd Jr.
Navigator- Harry C. Nuessle
Bombardier- Ralph Burbridge
Engineer- Joe C. James
Radio Operator- Paul A. Galloway
Ball Turret Gunner- Elton Conda
Waist Gunner- Michael Zuk
Tail Gunner- Sam T. Sarpolus
Ground Crew Chief- Hank Hyland

In 1943 a mid-air collision on February 1, 1943, Between a B-17 and a
German fighter over the Tunis dock area, Became the subject of one of the
most famous photographs of WW II.

An enemy fighter attacking a 97th Bomb Group formation went out of control,
Probably with a wounded pilot, then continued its crashing descent Into the
rear of the fuselage of a Flying Fortress named "All American", Piloted by
Lt. Kendrick R. Bragg, of the 414th Bomb Squadron.

When it struck, the fighter broke apart, but left some pieces in the B-17.
The left horizontal stabilizer of the Fortress and left elevator were
completely torn away.

The two right engines were out and one on the left had a serious oil pump
leak. The vertical fin and the rudder had been damaged, The fuselage had
been cut almost completely through

Connected only at two small parts of the frame, And the radios, electrical
and oxygen systems were damaged. There was also a hole in the top that was
over 16-feet long and 4 feet wide at its widest; The split in the fuselage
went all the way to the top gunner's turret.

Although the tail actually bounced and swayed in the wind

And twisted when the plane turned and all the control cables were severed,

Except one single elevator cable still worked, and the aircraft
miraculously still flew!

The tail gunner was trapped because there was no floor connecting the tail
to the rest of the plane.

The waist and tail gunners used parts of the German fighter and their own
parachute harnesses

In an attempt to keep the tail from ripping off and the two sides of the
fuselage from splitting apart.

While the crew was trying to keep the bomber from coming apart,

The pilot continued on his bomb run and released his bombs over the target.

When the bomb bay doors were opened,

The wind turbulence was so great that it blew one of the waist gunners into
the broken tail section.

It took several minutes and four crew members to pass him ropes from

And haul him back into the forward part of the plane.

When they tried to do the same for the tail gunner,

The tail began flapping so hard that it began to break off.

The weight of the gunner was adding some stability to the tail section, so
he went back to his position.

The turn back toward England had to be very slow to keep the tail from
twisting off.

They actually covered almost 70 miles to make the turn home.

The bomber was so badly damaged that it was losing altitude and speed and
was soon alone in the sky.

For a brief time, two more Me-109 German fighters attacked theAll American.

Despite the extensive damage, all of the machine gunners

Were able to respond to these attacks and soon drove off the fighters.

The two waist gunners stood up with their heads sticking out through the
hole in the top of the fuselage

To aim and fire their machine guns.

The tail gunner had to shoot in short bursts because the recoil was
actually causing the plane to turn.

Allied P-51 fighters intercepted the All American as it crossed over the

And took one of the pictures shown.

They also radioed to the base describing that the appendage was waving like
a fish tail

And that the plane would not make it and to send out boats to rescue the
crew when they bailed out.

The fighters stayed with the Fortress, taking hand signals from Lt. Bragg
and relaying them to the base.

Lt. Bragg signalled that 5 parachutes and the spare had been "used"

So five of the crew could not bail out.

He made the decision that if they could not bail out safely, then he would
stay with the plane to land it.

Two and a half hours after being hit, the aircraft made its final turn

To line up with the runway while it was still over 40 miles away.

It descended into an emergency landing and a normal roll-out on its landing

When the ambulance pulled alongside, it was waved off because not a single
member of the crew had

Been injured.

No one could believe that the aircraft could still fly in such a condition.

The Fortress sat placidly until the crew all exited through the door in the

and the tail gunner had climbed down a ladder,

at which time the entire rear section of the aircraft collapsed.

This old bird had done its job and brought the entire crew home uninjured.

Please pass this on to someone who will also appreciate this amazing story.


 Click here

A Touching Story

Kind of a cool way to take a casket to the cemetery

A funeral procession pulled into Pressley Cemetery. Several car loads of
family members followed a black truck towing a boat with a coffin in it. A
passer-by remarked,

"That guy must have been a very avid fisherman.

"Oh, he still is," remarked one of the mourners. As a matter of fact, he's
headed off to the lake as soon as we bury his wife."


Canadian Retiree lays out his Day of Activity to keep Fit!
 Click here

As we get older we sometimes begin to doubt our ability to make a
difference in the world.

It is at these times that our hopes are boosted by the remarkable
achievements of other seniors

who have found the courage to take on challenges that would make many of us

Harold Schlumberg is such a person.

QUOTE FROM HAROLD: "I've often been asked, '... What do you old folks do
now that you're retired?'

Well, I stay active and happy. I'm fortunate to have a chemical engineering
background and one of the things I enjoy most is converting beer and scotch
into urine.

Then I take a jog out to the shed and p*ss on a picture of Justin Trudeau,
Kathleen Wynne and Rachel Notley.

I do this several times every day. I really enjoy it and I get my exercise

Harold is an inspiration to all of us old folks.


They have arrived!!!

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Pepper Sir ?
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7 X Photos
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New Secretary

Steve: "Brian, your new secretary looks very s*xy."

Brian: "Thanks, she's actually a robot, named Doreen. If you squeeze her
right breast, she takes dictation, and if you squeeze her left breast, she
types letters. Will work as long as you like, no complaining, no sick days,
no medical, no dental. I'll lend her to you for a day, and you can see how
functional and efficient she is."

Next day, Brian gets a call, from Steve in the hospital, and he shouts: You
bastard, you didn't tell me that the hole between Doreen's legs is a pencil
sharpener ......!"


NASA's Astronomy Picture of the Day (5th July, 2017 - Brisbane, Australia)
 Click here


Djokovic Dachshund
 Click here
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Wally's Wacky Weekly
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Texas passed the pork-chopper bill in 2011, allowing aerial hunting of
feral hogs, and now, legislators have approved hunting from hot-air
which are quieter, and give hunters a steadier shot.

Dental Care on the Cheap

Enterprising mother Jeannine Cherilynn Isom, 37, in Cedar Hills, Utah, took
her 7-year-old son's dental care into her own hands, when she purchased
hand sanitizer, and needle-nose pliers at Walmart, then ushered her son
into the store's restroom, and pulled out two of his teeth. Police were
alerted after the boy's older brother heard him screaming. The mother was
charged with felony child abuse.

Sweet Revenge

Ralph St. Pierre, 58, a frustrated victim of bedbugs in Augusta, Maine,
reacted to city inaction by bringing a cup of bedbugs to a municipal office
building, and slamming it down on the counter, scattering about 100
and forcing the closure of several offices, as officials scrambled to
contain them. St. Pierre told officials he could not live there, had
requested help finding other housing, but city officials told him, he
didn't qualify.

Chinese Moulds

Are cute vegetables easier to swallow? A Chinese company has developed
fruit and vegetable moulds, that form growing foods into little Buddhas,
stars, and skulls. Farmers afix the plastic moulds over the stems of
growing plants, and the fruit fills the mould as it grows. Some designs
include words, and the company also offers custom moulds.

Fashion Emergency

French fashion label Y/Project, in an apparent response to the eternal
question, "Do these jeans make my butt look big?" is selling buttless
The waistband attaches to the legs of the jeans with a series of clasps and
straps, so the pant legs hang loose on the wearer. The Detachable Button
Down pants are priced at $570.

Compelling Explanation

College student Lydia Cormaney, 23, almost made it out of a Gillette,
Wyoming, Walmart with more than $2,000 worth of merchandise, without paying
for it. When police arrived, she was ready with a reason. She was doing
research about kleptomania, which also explained the stockpile of stolen
items in her dorm room. However, as she was enrolled in only a biology
class at Gillette College, it was unclear what she planned to do with the
results of her study.


The Happiest Place on Earth was a little less joyful for 17 visitors, when
a hazardous materials team was dispatched to Main Street at Disneyland,
after park-goers reported being struck by feces. Experts quickly realized
that rather than being victims of a bathroom bomber, the park guests had
been regrettably positioned beneath a flock of geese flying overhead. The
victims were ushered to a private restroom to clean up, and were provided
with fresh clothing.
Only in Arkansas

Maintenance workers at the courthouse in Jonesboro, Arkansas, are fed up
with people urinating in the elevators, especially considering that
restrooms are within spitting distance of the elevators. Craighead County
officials hope to stem the tide with newly installed security cameras,
which have caught three men in the act, since their installation last

Undignified Deaths

Robert Dreyer, celebrating his 89th birthday, suffered no apparent injury,
when he crashed his car into a fire hydrant in Viera, Florida. But as he
got out of the car to check the damage, he drowned after being sucked into
the hole, by the strong water pressure where the hydrant had been. A female
bystander tried to rescue Dreyer, but couldn't overcome the water pressure
to reach him, and she was sucked in, and drowned as well.
Frontiers of Marketing

Male baseball fans attending the June 15 Jacksonville, Florida, Jumbo
Shrimp minor league game, were treated to a novel promotional giveaway:
pregnancy tests. The "You Might Be a Father" promotion was conceived to
help fans decide, whether they should return for the Father's Day game on
Sunday, June
People and Their Money

Because leaving your falcon at home, while you do errands is too painful,
high-end automaker Bentley now offers a customized SUV featuring a
"removable transportation perch and tether" for hunting birds, and a wood
inlay in the shape of a falcon on the dash. At a starting price of
the Bentayga Falconry also features a refreshment case, and special
compartments for bird hoods and gauntlets. Falconry is regarded as the
sport of kings in the Middle East, so it was vital that the kit we create,
appeal to our valued customers there, and around the world, noted Bentley's
Gee, thanks Mum

A stretch limo wasn't posh enough for Saudia Shuler, a Philadelphia mom who
wanted to make her son's high school prom memorable. Instead, she spent
$25,000 creating a Dubai-themed prom night, including 3 tons of sand, and a
camel for pre-prom photos. The lucky senior took not one, but three dates
to the dance, who along with him, wore designer clothes and accessories.
Shuler also sprang for a rented Lamborghini, Rolls-Royce, and Range Rover.

Bright Ideas

Japan's Samurai Age store, which naturally offers novelty samurai apparel,
is featuring a new line of samurai armour outfits, for cats and dogs. The
body armour is sized for small pets, but custom orders for larger sizes are
possible, and can include a helmet and mask. Samurai enthusiasts can also
order armour for liquor bottles, and dolls.
Oh Susanna

Suspicions were aroused in New Hope, Alabama, when veteran mail carrier
Susanna Burhans, 47, was seen throwing food at a dog along her route. She
was charged with aggravated animal cruelty, after the dog's owner found a
nail-filled meatball near his house, and a subsequent X-ray revealed nails
in it's stomach. The USPS has put the mail carrier on non-duty status.
Kanchana Kaetkaew

Thailand's Scorpion Queen, who holds the Guinness World Record for holding
a scorpion in her mouth (3 minutes and 28 seconds), shocked onlookers, as
she let scorpions crawl all over her body, and in and out of her mouth, as
part of a show in Pattaya, a city on the Gulf of Thailand. Kanchana
Kaetkaew also holds the record for co-habiting with 5,000 scorpions in a
12-metre-square glass enclosure for 33 days.
Sleeping with Sloths

The Zoological Wildlife Conservation Centre in Rainier, Oregon, is offering
sleepovers in it's sloth sanctuary. The visit includes a tent with a cot,
and satellite TV, in case the animals are being too sloth-like. Visitors,
who pay $600 for double occupancy, for the 12-hour experience, are asked to
whisper so as not to stress out the sloths.
Least Competent Criminal

Baggy blue jeans were the ill-fated getaway vehicle for 15 quart-size
bottles of Pennzoil motor oil, and 30 DVDs of Treasure Hunt, in a badly
planned theft in Lakeland, Florida. William Jason Hall, 38, stuffed the
loot into his pants, inside a 7-Eleven store, without realizing that a
detective in an unmarked police car outside was watching him. Because it
was his third arrest on petty theft, he was charged with a felony.

 Free Bird Seed
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Does Wile E. Coyote finally get the Road Runner?
How it was done - Click here


[ End friday humour ]

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