Friday humour - June 30, 2017

 From Burnout @ Bluehaze:

Paddy is sitting on a train across from a busty blonde wearing a tiny mini
skirt. Despite his efforts, he is unable to stop staring at the top of her
thighs. To his delight, he realises she has gone without underwear. The
blonde realises he is staring and inquires, "Are you looking at my vagina?"

"Yes, I'm sorry," Paddy replies and promises to avert his eyes. "It's quite
all right," replies the woman, "It's very talented, watch this,
I'll make it blow a kiss to you." Sure enough the vagina blows him a kiss.

Paddy, who is completely absorbed, inquires what else the wonder vagina can
do. "I can also make it wink," says the woman. Paddy stares in amazement as
the vagina winks at him. "Come and sit next to me,"

suggests the woman, patting the seat. Paddy moves over and she smiles and
asks, "Would you like to stick a couple of fingers in?"

Stunned, Paddy replies,
"You're kidding-you mean it can whistle, too?"

Subject: Have you eaten in this Restaurant? [VERY XXX but funny - ED]
 Click here

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From: Duke of Barsinov
Subject: Theresa May and the Holy Grail - YouTube

Don't watch this if you think Theresa May is a fabulous, compassionate lady
who is an able and wonderfully charismatic Prime Minister. If not of this
persuasion, try the You tube clip...

Too hilarious for words
 Click here

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From: Haz
Subject: Most dangerous 4½ acres in the world!

Tough, but adrenaline filled way to make a living. Along with salaries far
below what hazardous conditions, long working hours and long family
separation deserve.

Watch with sound on.............................................

The Most Dangerous Job in the World
 Click here

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From: Haz
Subject: There were four churches and a synagogue in a small

There were four churches and a synagogue in a small town: a Presbyterian
church, a Baptist church, a Methodist church, a Catholic church and a
Jewish synagogue. Each church and the synagogue had a problem with
squirrels

The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their
squirrels. After much prayer and consideration they determined the
squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with
God's divine will.

At the Baptist church the squirrels had taken an interest in the
baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a water slide on the
baptistery and let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels liked the
slide and, unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim so twice as many
squirrels showed up the following week.

The Methodist church decided that they were not in a position to harm any
of God's creatures. So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them
free near the Baptist Church. Two weeks later the squirrels were back when
the Baptists took down the water slide.

But the Catholic Church came up with a very creative strategy. They
baptized all the squirrels and consecrated them as members of the church.
Now they only see them at Christmas and Easter.

Not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue. They caught one squirrel and
circ*mcised him. They haven't seen a squirrel since.

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From: Sack
Subject:  Centrelink

I was having a stroll through the Cemetery yesterday when I came across
some council workers digging up a grave.
Being the nosy bastard I am, I went over and said, "What's going on?"
The guy in the hole said, "We're exhuming this body."
"Oh, is it part of some ongoing murder investigation?" I asked.
"No," he replied, "Centrelink have deemed him fit for work!"

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From: Seasoldier
Subject: The Trump Riddle

Donald Trump went to London and met with the Queen.

"Your Queenship, he asked her. I am finding things way more difficult than
I could have imagined. May I ask you - how do you run such an efficient
government? Are there any tips you can give me?

Well," replied Her Majesty, "the most important thing is to surround
yourself with intelligent people."

     Trump frowned.

"But how do you know the people around you are really intelligent?" he
asked.

"Oh, that's easy the Queen replied. You just ask them to answer an
intelligent riddle.
She pushed a button on her intercom. Please send Theresa May in here."
The Prime Minister walked into the room.
You called for me, Your Majesty?"

"Answer me this, if you would, Theresa. the Queen said. Your mother and
father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who
is it?

Without pausing for even a second, Theresa May answered, That would be me."
"Yes! Very good, said the Queen.

Trump went back home, returned to the White House and the very next day
called for Mike Pence to come and see him.
Pence duly trotted in to the Oval Office

Mike, answer this for me, said the Don. Your mother and your father have a
child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?
"I'm not sure," said Pence. Let me get back to you on that one.

Pence went panicking off to his advisers and asked everyone, but none of
them could give him an answer.

The next night, as it happened, Pence ran in to Hillary Clinton in a
restaurant. By now, desperate for an answer to give to his tyrannical boss,
he approached her – much to her surprise.
Hillary, I know we havent always seen eye to eye but I would really
appreciate it if you could answer this riddle for me
Sure, Mike Hillary said. I’m not one to hold a grudge. What is it?

Thanks, said Pence, It’s this. Your mother and father have a child and
it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?

Hillary answered right back, That's easy, it's me!"

Pence smiled, “Thanks!"

Pence then went back to speak with Trump. "Say, boss, I did some research
and I have the answer to that riddle. It’s Hillary Clinton.

Trump got up, stomped over to Pence, and angrily yelled at him. "No, you
idiot! It’s Theresa May!"

... AND THAT, MY FRIENDS, IS PRECISELY WHAT'S GOING ON AT THE WHITE HOUSE.

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From: Seasoldier
Subject: Jobs I've tried

1. My first job was working in an Orange Juice factory, but I got canned.
Couldn't concentrate.

2. Then I worked in the woods as a Lumberjack, but just couldn't hack it,
so they gave me the axe.

3. After that, I tried being a Tailor, but wasn't suited for it -- mainly
because it was a sew-sew job.

4. Next, I tried working in a Muffler Factory, but that was too exhausting.

5. Then, tried being a Chef figured it would add a little spice to my life,
but just didn't have the thyme.

6. Next, I attempted being a Deli Worker, but any way I sliced it....
couldn't cut the mustard.

7. My best job was a Musician, but eventually found I wasn't noteworthy.

8. I studied a long time to become a Doctor, but didn't have any patience.l

9. Next, was a job in a Shoe Factory. Tried hard but just didn't fit in.

10. I became a Professional Fisherman, but discovered I couldn't live on my
net income.

11. Managed to get a good job working for a Pool Maintenance Company, but
the work was just too draining.

12. So then I got a job in a Workout Center, but they said I wasn't fit for
the job..

13. After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got
a job as a Historian – until I realized there was no future in it.

14. My last job was working in Starbucks, but had to quit because it was
the same old grind.

15. SO, I TRIED RETIREMENT AND I FOUND I'M PERFECT FOR THE JOB!

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From: Seasoldier
Subject: camel s*x

A new Army Captain was  assigned to an outfit in a remote post in the
Afghan Desert.

During his first inspection of the outfit, he noticed a camel hitched up
behind the mess tent.
He asked the Sergeant why the camel was kept there.
The nervous sergeant said, 'Sir, as you know, there are 250 men here on the
post and no women. Sometimes the men have urges. That's why we have Molly
The Camel.
The Captain said, 'I can't say that I condone this, but I can understand
about the 'urges', so the camel can stay.' About a month later, the Captain
starts having his own 'urges'.
Crazed with passion, he asked the Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent.
Putting a ladder behind the camel, the Captain stands on the ladder, pulls
his pants down and makes passionate love to the camel.
When he's done, he asked the Sergeant, 'Is that how the men do it?'

'No sir. They usually just ride the camel into town. That's where the girls
are."

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From: Wally
Subject: 2 Golfers

A guy was getting ready to tee off on the first hole when a second golfer
approached and asked if he could join him.  The first said that

he usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome.    They were even after
the first two holes.  The second guy said, "We're about evenly matched, how
about playing for five bucks a hole?"  The first guy said that he wasn't
much for betting, but agreed to the terms.  The second guy won the
remaining sixteen holes with ease.

As they were walking off number eighteen, the second guy was busy counting
his $80.00.  He confessed that he was the pro at the neighbouring course
and liked to pick on suckers.   The first fellow revealed that he was the
Parish Priest  The pro was flustered and apologetic, offering to return the
money.

The Priest said, "You won fair and square, and I was foolish to bet with
you.  You keep your winnings."   The pro said, "Is there anything I can do
to make it up to you?"

The Priest said, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a
donation.  And, if you want to, bring your Mother and Father along, and

I'll marry them."

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From: Digi Steve
Subject: Elder Toons
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here

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From: Haz
Subject: Fwd: Coffee Machine

Staff were spending too much time in front of the coffee machine.
Human Resources people found a cheap solution.
 Click here

Subject: Just one chromosome away...
 Click here

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From: Haz
Subject: British Safety Message
 Click here

Subject: German/Italian Technology
 Click here

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From: Haz
Subject: IRONY' explained in pictures...
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

Subject: TOO MUCH S*X!

I couldn't help but over-hear two guys in their mid-twenties while sitting
at the bar last night.

One of the guys says to his buddy:  "Man you look tired.”

His buddy says: Man I'm exhausted. My girlfriend and I have s*x all the
time. She's after me 3 and 4 times a day, I just don't know what to do."

A fellow about my age, sitting a couple of stools down, also overheard the
conversation.

He looked over at the two young men and with the wisdom of years says:

"Marry her; that'll put a stop to that sh*t."

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From: Seasoldier
Subject: BBQ Season Efficiency

BBQ & Beer Cooler
Engineering at it's Best. When you are finished, just pull the handle down
& the fire goes out. Is this a great country, or what?!!
 Click here

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From: Wally
Subject: 5 X Japanese Police Cars

Five  Japanese  Police  Cars that will make you want to be a Highway Cop
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

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From: Wally
Subject: The Professor & The Student

A young Law student, having failed his Law exam, goes up to his crusty old
professor, who is renowned for his razor-sharp legal mind.

Student: "Sir, do you really understand everything about this subject?"
Professor: "Actually, I probably do. Otherwise I wouldn't be a professor,
would I?"

Student: "OK. So I'd like to ask you a question. If you can give me the
correct answer, I will accept my marks as it is. If you can't give me the
correct answer, however, you'll have to give me an "A".

Professor: "Hmmmm, alright. So what's the question?"

Student: "What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither
logical nor legal?"
The professor wracks his famous brain, but just can't crack the answer.
Finally he gives up and changes the student's failing mark into an "A" as
agreed, and the student goes away, very pleased.

The professor continues to wrack his brain over the question all afternoon,
but still can't get the answer. So finally he calls in a group of his
brightest students and tells them he has a really, really tough question to
answer: "What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither
logical nor legal?"

To the professor's surprise (and embarrassment), all the students
immediately raise their hands.
"All right" says the professor and asks his favourite student to answer
"It's quite easy, sir" says the student "You see, you are 75 years old, and
married to a 30 year old woman, which is legal, but not logical. Your wife
has a 22 year old lover, which is logical, but not legal. And your wife's
lover failed his exam, but you've just given him an "A", which is neither
legal, nor logical."

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From: Wally
Subject: Chinese Food

Chinese manufacture a Lettuce in 1 minute
 Click here

Subject: Sketch Artist
 Click here

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Subject: Light Balance (America's got Talent)
 Click here

From: Wally
Subject: Can Birds Read?
 Click here Click here

Can Birds Read?

Crow experts in Japan have figured out a way to stop crows from ripping old
insulation material off of pipes. The birds use the insulation for their
nests. The researchers simply hung signs, in Japanese that read, "Crows do
not enter." The crows seem to be obeying the signs. At least, they abruptly
stopped attacking the pipes. This has now been working for three years.
Professor Katsufumi Sato thinks the signs work, because people see the
signs then look up into the sky for the birds, and when the crows realize
they're being observed, they fly away.  Or maybe the birds can read. Also
an article in a 1961 Coronado Eagle Newspaper, about seagulls in San Diego,
who obeyed signs, ordering them to stop dropping clams on the pavement.

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Quote of the Week:
“I think governments can’t do much.”

- Dalai Lama.

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[ End friday humour ]

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