Friday humour - June 23, 2017

Friday Humour is brought to you this week by: Billy Bunter of Adelaide,
DigiSteve, Dry Bob, GeoWombat, Haz, Nottingham Smithie, Sack, Seasoldier,
Wally and last but not least, Whizzbang.

“I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I
didn’t know.” ― Mark Twain

On with the show!  Enjoy!

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S*x

A little boy returning home from his first day at school said to  his
mother, "Mom, what's s*x?"
His mother, who believed in all the most modern educational  theories, gave
him a detailed explanation, covering all aspects of the tricky  subject in
as simple language as she could.
When she had finished, the little lad produced an enrollment  form for a
fall camp which he had brought home from school and said, "Yes, but  how am
I going to get all that into this one little square?"

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Mushrooms

She wanted to serve her guests mushroom-smothered steak, but she had no
mushrooms and no time to buy them  Her husband suggested, "Why don't you go
pick some of the mushrooms that  are growing wild down by the stream?
"No, some wild mushrooms are poisonous."
"Well, I see squirrels eating them and they're OK."
So she picked a bunch and washed, sliced and sauteed them for her dinner.
Then she went out on the back porch and gave Spot, their dog, a double
handful.   Spot ate every bite.  All morning long, she watched the dog. The
wild mushrooms hadn't affected him  after a few hours, so she decided to
use them.

The meal was a great success. After everyone had finished, her daughter
came in and whispered in her ear, "Mum, Spot is dead."
Trying to keep her head about her, she left the room as quickly as
possible, called the doctor and told him what had happened. The doctor
said, "That's bad, but I think we can take care of it. I'll call for an
ambulance and I'll be there as quickly as I can. We'll give everyone enemas
and  we'll pump out their stomachs and everything will be fine. Just keep
them calm."

Before long they started to hear the sirens as the ambulance tore down the
road. The  Paramedics and the doctor had their suitcases, syringes, and a
stomach pump. One by one, they took each person into the bathroom, gave
them an enema, and pumped out their stomach. Well after midnight, after the
last one was done the doctor came out and said, "Everything will be okay
now," and with that he left.

The hosts and the guests were all weak and knackered sitting around the
living room when the daughter came in and said to her mum.....  "I can't
believe that bloke!"
"What bloke?"
"You know, the bastard who ran over Spot; he never even slowed down."

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Can’t other countries be as smart as Japan?

Japan - some interesting facts.

* Hiroshima has returned to what it was economically before the atomic bomb
was dropped.
* Japan prevents the use of mobile phones in trains, restaurants and
indoors.

* For first to sixth primary year Japanese students must learn ethics in
dealing with people.

* Even though one of the richest people in the world, the Japanese do not
have servants. The parents are responsible for the house and children.

* There is no examination from the first to the third primary level because
the goal of education is to instill concepts and character building.

* If you go to a buffet restaurant in Japan you will notice people only eat
as much as they need without any waste because food must not be wasted.

* The rate of delayed trains in Japan is about 7 seconds per year!!The
Japanese appreciate the value of time and are very punctual to minutes and
seconds.

* Children in schools brush their teeth (sterile) and clean their teeth
after a meal at school, teaching them to maintain their health from an
early age.

* Japanese students take half an hour to finish their meals to ensure
proper digestion because these students are the future of Japan.

The Japanese focus on maintaining their culture.
Therefore:
* No political leader or a prime minister from an Islamic nation has
visited Japan not the Ayatollah of Iran, the King of Saudi Arabia or even a
Saudi Prince!

* Japan is a country keeping Islam at bay by putting strict restrictions on
Islam and ALL Muslims.

1) Japan is the only nation that does not give citizenship to Muslims.

2) In Japan permanent residency is not given to Muslims.

3) There is a strong ban on the propagation of Islam in Japan

4) In the University of Japan, Arabic or any Islamic language is not
taught.

5) One cannot import a 'Koran' published in the Arabic language.

6) According to data published by the Japanese government, it has given
temporary residency to only 2 laths, Muslims, who must follow the Japanese
Law of the Land. These Muslims should speak Japanese and carry out their
religious rituals in their homes.

7) Japan is the only country in the world that has a negligible number of
embassies in Islamic countries.

8) Muslims residing in Japan are the employees of foreign companies.

9) Even today, visas are not granted to Muslim doctors, engineers or
managers sent by foreign companies.

10) In the majority of companies it is stated in their regulations that no
Muslims should apply for a job.

11) The Japanese government is of the opinion that Muslims are
fundamentalist, and even in the era of globalization they are not willing
to change their Muslim laws.

12) Muslims cannot even rent a house in Japan.

13) If anyone comes to know that his neighbor is a Muslim then the whole
neighborhood stays alert.

14) No one can start an Islamic cell or Arabic 'Madrasa' in Japan

15) There is no Sharia law in Japan.

16) If a Japanese woman marries a Muslim, she is considered an outcast
forever.

17)  According to Mr. Kumiko Yagi, Professor of Arab/Islamic Studies at
Tokyo University of Foreign Studies, " There is a mind frame in Japan that
Islam is a very narrow minded religion and one should stay away from it."

The  Japanese might have lost the war, but they are in charge of their own
country. There are no bombs going off in crowded business centers, "Honour
Killings", nor killing of innocent children or anyone else.

Something to think about.

Pass this on to anyone and everyone.

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THE BOOK OF JEREMIAH

And it came to pass, in the land of Britain, that the High Priestess went
unto the people and said, Behold, I bring ye tidings of great joy. For on
the eighth day of the sixth month there shall be a general election.

And the people said, Not another one.

And they waxed wroth against the High Priestess and said, Didst thou not
sware, even unto seven times, that thou wouldst not call a snap election?

And the High Priestess said, I know, I know. But Brexit is come upon us and
I must go into battle against the tribes of France, Germany, and sundry
other holiday destinations. And I must put on the armor of a strong
majority in the people’s house. Therefore go ye out and vote.

And there came from the temple pollsters, who said, Surely this woman will
flourish. For her enemy is as grass; she cutteth him down. He is as straw
in the wind, and he will blow away. And the trumpet of her triumph shall
sound in all the land.

And the High Priestess said, Piece of cake.

And there came from the same country a prophet, whose name was Jeremy. His
beard was as the pelt of beasts, and his raiments were not of the finest.

And he cried aloud in the wilderness and said, Behold, I bring you hope.

And suddenly there was with him a host of young people. And he said unto
them, Ye shall study and grow wise in all things, and I shall not ask ye
for gold. And the sick shall be made well, and they also will heal freely.
And he promised unto them all manner of goodly things.

And the young people said unto him, How shall these things be rendered,
seeing that thou hast no money in thy purse?

And he spake unto them in a voice of sounding brass and said, Soak the
rich. And again, Pull down the mighty from their seats.

And the young people went absolutely nuts.

And they hearkened unto the word of Jeremy, and believed. For they said
unto themselves, Lo, he bringeth unto us the desire of our hearts. He
cometh by bicycle, with a helmet upon his head. And he eateth neither flesh
nor fowl, according to the Scriptures. For man cannot live by bread alone,
but hummus is quite another matter.

And the High Priestess saw all these things and was sore. And she gathered
unto her the chief scribes and the Pharisees and said unto them, What the
hell is going on?

And they said unto her, It is a blip, as if it were a rough place upon the
road.

But they said unto themselves, When the government was upon her shoulders,
this woman was mighty. But now that she has gone abroad unto every corner
of the land, she stumbleth. For surely it is written that ruling and
campaigning are as oil and water, and there shall be no concord betwixt
them.

And the chief scribes wrote upon tablets, saying, Jeremy is false of
tongue. He hideth wickedness in his heart. And his sums do not add up.

And nobody paid any attention.

And the elders rose up and said to the young people, If ye choose Jeremy,
he will bring distress in your toils and wailing upon your streets. Do ye
not remember the nineteen-seventies?

And the young people said, The what?

And the elders spake again, and said to the young people, Beware, for he
gave succour in days of yore to the I.R.A.

And the young people said, The what?

And the young people said, Jeremy shall bring peace unto all nations, for
he hateth the engines of war that take wing across the heavens. And he
showeth respect for all peoples, even unto the transgender community.

And the elders said, The what?

And it came to pass that the heathen of this land came among the people,
with fire and sword, and slew many among the faithful. And great was the
lamentation.

And the High Priestess waxed exceeding wroth and said to the people, Fear
not. For I shall bind your wounds and give ye shelter from the heathen, and
shall take up the sword against them.

And there came again pollsters from the temple, who said, Will the people
not vote for her in this hour of need?

And nobody paid any attention.

And it came to the vote.

And the elders went up to vote, and the young people. And the young people
were as a multitude. And in the hours of darkness there was much counting.
And the young people watched by night, and the elders went to bed.

And there came in the morning news that the High Priestess had vanquished
the prophet Jeremy. But the triumph of the High Priestess was as the width
of a nail. And she was vexed.

And the elders and the chief scribes and the Pharisees spoke among
themselves, yea, even in the corners of their houses.

And there was great rejoicing amidst the multitude of the young. And they
took strong wine, and did feast among themselves. And there were twelve
baskets left over.

And of the pollsters there was no sign.

And the people saw Jeremy and said, Surely this man has won? Doth he not
skip in gladness like a young hart upon the hills?

And there was great murmuring among the elders. And they said unto
themselves, Weep not. For the High Priestess doth but prepare the way.
Cometh there not one who is greater than she?

And they said, Behold, for the hour of the redeemer is upon us. And his

name shall be called Wonderful, Counsellor, the Prince of Peace. And they
cried in one voice, Boris.

And the young people said, Oh, sh*t.

And the people gave tongue, and made supplication unto the Lord, saying,
Lord, let our cry come unto thee.

And the Lord thought the whole thing was absolutely hilarious.

And then the people said, Lord, what shall we do regarding Brexit? For
henceforth the High Priestess shall be as weak as a newborn lamb. How shall
we hope for continued access to the single market?

And the Lord said, The what?

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TRUMP'S POST-VATICAN TWEET

"I met with Pope Francis today. He's a really great pope; great, great
pope. You know he's the leader of the Catholic Church; big church. I
couldn't believe it when he told me how many Catholics there are. Way more
than I thought. They have churches all over the world; some are very, very
close (so close) to my hotels and golf courses.

"He took me into the Sistine Chapel. Beautiful ceiling. I don't think too
many people even know about this place. The paintings are great, I'm
telling you. The Pope (great guy, by the way, knows more about the Bible
than almost anybody, we got along great, I think he really likes me) told
me the whole thing was painted by this young Italian; I think his name is
Michael Angelo. At least that's what Francis (we're great friends) called
him, I think. Trust me, we're going to hear more about him. He's really
artistic, and everybody tells me I have the greatest eye for the best art.
I told Frank I'd like to buy some of Mike's art. I asked him if Mike's done
anything on velvet. He'll check (great guy). I'll hang his stuff at
Mar-a-Lago or Trump Tower. He needs more exposure. He's too much with the
churches. He could paint my presidential portrait on the Capitol Dome. Or
maybe a mural on my big, beautiful border wall, but just on our side.

"Unbelievable. The fake media is at it again. I just saw something on TV
that Michael died 450 years ago. Sad. I've already got some people looking
into this and you won't believe what they're finding."

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Some more semi-funny, sometimes depressing definitions....

Some of these fit so well they should be in a dictionary!

BEAUTY PARLOR
A place where women curl up and dye.

CHICKENS
The only animal you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

COMMITTEE
A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

DUST
Mud with the juice squeezed out.

EGOTIST
Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

HANDKERCHIEF
Cold Storage.

INFLATION
Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

MOSQUITO
An insect that makes you like flies better.

POLITICAL CORRECTNESS
A doctrine fostered by a delusional, illogical minority.

RAISIN
A grape with a sunburn.

SECRET
A story you tell to one person at a time.

TOOTHACHE
The pain that drives you to extraction.

TOMORROW
One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.

YAWN
An honest opinion openly expressed.

WRINKLES
Something other people have....similar to my character lines.

OLD
I very quietly confided to my friend that I was having an Affair.
She turned to me and asked, "Are you having it catered?"
 . . . and that, my friend, is the definition of 'OLD'!!!

In youth, the days are short and the years are long.
In old age, the years are short and days long.

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Murder at Costco

Tired of constantly being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young
husband decided to solve both problems  by taking out a large insurance
policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary and then arranging to
have her killed.

A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side
underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie.' Artie   explained to the
husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $10,000.

The Husband said he was willing to pay that amount but that he wouldn't
have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money.

Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened
his wallet, displaying the single dollar coin that rested inside.
Artie sighed, rolled his eyes and reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar
as down payment for the dirty deed.

A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Costco
Supermarket. There, he surprised her in the produce department and
proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor unsuspecting
woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor, the manager of the
produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene.
Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, ol'  rtie had no choice but
to strangle the produce manager as well.

However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the
hidden security cameras and observed by the   store's security guard, who
immediately called the police.

Artie was caught and arrested before he could even leave the premises.

Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole
sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless
husband who was also quickly arrested.

The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared...

(You're going to hate me for this....)

"ARTIE CHOKES 2 for $1.00 @ Costco"

Oh, quit groaning! I don't write this stuff, I receive it from my warped
friends and then send it on to you.

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Choosing a wife

A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three
likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to
see what they do with the money.  The first does a total makeover. She goes
to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup; buys several new
outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has
done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much. the
man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of
golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes.
As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money
on him because she loves him so much..

Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market She earns several times the
$5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a
joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future
because she loves him so much.

Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the
money he'd given her.

Then he married the one with the biggest tits.

Men are like that, you know.

And on another note!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on
Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large
elderly population with perky b*obs and huge erections and absolutely no
recollection of what to do with them.

If you don't send this to five OLD friends right away there will be five
fewer people laughing in the world.

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Davey Crocket - bush survival skills
 Click here

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Post Office - this made me laugh!
 Click here

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Artist at work
 Click here

Now ... that’s talent!!

It’s not what you think!

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How times have changed
 Click here

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NEW GIRLFRIEND
 Click here

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Depression Defined....
 Click here

What is depression??

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Never Trust A Dog
 Click here

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Latrine Duty

A US Air Force C-130 was scheduled to leave Thule Air Base, Greenland, at
midnight during a winter month. During the pilot's pre-flight check, he
discovers that the latrine holding tank is still full from the last flight.
So a message is sent to the base and an airman who was off duty is called
out to take care of it.

The young man finally gets to the air base and makes his way to the
aircraft only to find that the latrine pump-truck has been left outdoors
and is frozen solid, so he must find another one in the hangar, which takes
even more time. He returns to the aircraft and is less than enthusiastic
about what he has to do. Nevertheless, he goes about the pumping job
deliberately and carefully (and slowly) so as not to risk criticism later.

As he's leaving the plane, the pilot stops him and says, "Son, your
attitude and performance has caused this flight to be late and I'm going to
personally see to it that you are not just reprimanded, but punished."

Shivering in the cold, his task finished, he takes a deep breath, stands
tall and says, "Sir, with all due respect, I'm not your son; I'm an Airman
in the United States Air Force. I've been cooped up here in Thule,
Greenland, for more than 11 months now, without any leave. Reindeer asses
are beginning to look pretty good to me right about now. I have one stripe;
it's 2:30 in the morning, the temperature is minus 40° F, and my job is
to pump sh*t out of an aircraft."
"Now, just exactly what form of f*ckin' punishment did you have in mind
Sir?"

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"Wow" at Perth airport
 Click here

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"The Wheel Goes 'Round & 'Round"
 Click here

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XXX Girl`s Birthday Cake XXX
 Click here

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A few Cartoons
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

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Clever bird
 Click here

I wonder how long it took to train this bird!

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Just a bit of pole dancing...... with a difference!

SUITABLE FOR CHILDREN
 Click here

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50 years - What a difference....
 Click here Click here

For those who remember the ‘Profumo affair’ in the British government
in 1963 and the high

class prostitute Christine Keeler.

And to think she brought down a government... !!!!!

In 2015, aged 75.

....and back in 1963. Aged 21.

Christine Keeler

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WHOREHOUSE SUES LOCAL CHURCH

ONLY IN THE GOOD OLD U.S.A.

WHOREHOUSE SUES LOCAL CHURCH OVER LIGHTNING STRIKE!

What an interesting turn of events in Pahrump, Nevada...

Diamond D's brothel began construction on an expansion of their building to
increase their ever-growing business.

In response, the local Baptist Church started a campaign to block the
business from expanding -- with morning, afternoon, and evening prayer
sessions at their church.

Work on Diamond D's progressed right up until the week before the grand
re-opening when lightning struck the whorehouse and burned it to the
ground!

After the brothel burned to the ground by the lightning strike, the church
folks were rather smug in their outlook, bragging about "the power of
prayer."

But late last week 'Big Jugs' Jill Diamond, the owner/madam, sued the
church, the preacher and the entire congregation on the grounds that the
church ...

"was ultimately responsible for the demise of her building and her business
-- either through direct or indirect divine actions or means."

In its reply to the court, the church vehemently and vociferously denied
any and all responsibility or any connection to the building's demise.

The crusty old judge read through the plaintiff's complaint and the
defendant's reply, and at the opening hearing he commented,

"I don't know how the hell I'm going to decide this case, but it appears
from the paperwork,

that we now have a whorehouse owner who staunchly believes in the power of
prayer....and an entire church congregation that thinks it's all bullsh*t.

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Photos
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here

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THINGS ARE NOT ALWAYS AS THEY APPEAR

A woman was flying from Melbourne to Brisbane. Unexpectedly, the plane was
diverted to Sydney along the way. The flight attendant explained that there
would be a delay, and if the passengers wanted to get off the aircraft the
plane would re-board in 50 minutes.

Everybody got off the plane except one lady who was blind. A man had
noticed her as he walked by and could tell the lady was blind because her
Guide Dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of her throughout the
entire flight.

He could also tell she had flown this very flight before because the pilot
approached her, and calling her by name, said, 'Kathy, we are in Sydney for
almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?'

The blind lady replied, 'No thanks, but maybe Buddy would like to stretch
his legs.

Picture this:

All the people in the gate area came to a complete standstill when they
looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with a Guide dog! The pilot
was even wearing sunglasses.

People Scattered

They not only tried to change planes, but they were trying to change
airlines!

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Australian Fairy Tale
 Click here

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Animals and Insurance
 Click here

The Carnage Caused by Animals

Attacks by monkeys, rhinos, deer - and even a peac*ck - are just some of
the wild car claims lodged by motorists.

It might sound like a safari holiday, but the nation's animals have caused
thousands of bizarre claims costing insurers millions.

UK insurance company Admiral has exclusively revealed it's had to settle
2,176 claims in the last year, at an average cost of $A3000.

And it dug through its claim's book, to uncover the most unusual incidents
that include monkeys, deer, goats, rhinos, and peac*cks.

Some were repaired, while others were left as total write-offs, after their
encounter with nature.

Lorna Connelly, head of claims at Admiral, said: "You never know what could
happen to your car, which is the whole point of car insurance.

"Some of the genuine claims we've dealt with verge on being too bizarre to
believe, but it just goes to show that you should always expect the
unexpected.

They say never work with animals - but never leave your car near them
either."

PHEASANT CROSSING

A family of pheasants ventured onto a road into the path of an oncoming
car.

The driver swerved but unfortunately hit one of the birds and veered off
the road.

With the pheasant in tow, the car careered off downhill, through a bush,
and smashed into a beer garden, and was only stopped by a pile of beer
kegs.

ITCHY RHINO

A driver was making his way through a safari park when a rhino stopped by.

With its thick hide and horn, it scratched itself all around the car
leaving it with paint and bodywork damage.

CONFUSED PEAC*CK

A shiny car came at a cost to one driver after a peac*ck saw its reflection
in the recently waxed door.

It attacked the "other" peac*ck for several minutes, and managed to do
damage to all three panels on the side of the car.

MONKEY MOB

A family who visited a drive-through safari park went bananas, when a troop
of monkeys took offence to the car.

They used rocks to smash the windows and pulled the windscreen wipers off.

The driver suggested the insurer recovered the costs from the monkeys.

OH DEER .

A herd of deer caused $A5780 of damage when they came across a Smart car
outside the driver's home.

While he went out to the garden, the herd ran from the forest, across the
road and tried to jump the car - damaging the roof and buckling the
chassis.

It was a total write off.

In a separate incident a deer was startled by the noise of a car window
being closed.

It lashed out and dented the driver's door and car roof.

HUNGRY MICE

A driver thought his swanky 2011 plate Jaguar XKR was safe parked in his
garage, while he worked away for six months.

But when he got back, the car was dead.

A band of mice had taken up home in the car, chewing on the motor and
electrics, as well as the furniture in his house, which they'd been
visiting daily.

It cost $A23,500 to fix.

HORSING AROUND

A horse escaped a farm, and attempted to jump over car, when it was chased.

Unfortunately it hadn't done its Grand National training and landed belly
first on the bonnet causing a huge dent.

ANGRY COW

An angry cow took its frustration out on a parked car, mounting it and
smashing in the back window leaving hoof marks on the rear panels.

In another farmyard incident, a goat headbutted a car after it crashed into
a field.

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How do you put a Ute on a ship in New Zealand?
 Click here

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"If you do not control the enemy, the enemy will control you." -- Miyamoto
Musashi

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[ End friday humour ]

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