Friday humour - June 16, 2017

From Haz@Bluehaze
As Always – thanks to the contributors
Arfermo
Dry Bob (and welcome)
Sack
Haz (that’s me)
Seasoldier
Whizzbang
Duke of Barsinov
Wally
New contributions are always welcome – send your funny content in
Contribute~@~bluehaze.com.au

Jiggs McDonald, NHL Hall of Fame broadcaster, speaking in Ontario,says:
“I am truly perplexed that so many of my friends are against another
mosque being built in Toronto.  I think it should be the goal of every
Canadian to be tolerant regardless of their religious beliefs.  Thus the
mosque should be allowed, in an effort to promote tolerance.

That is why I also propose that two nightclubs be opened next door to the
mosque; thereby promoting tolerance from within the mosque.  We could call
one of the clubs, which would be gay, The Turban Cowboy, and the other, a
topless bar, would be called You Mecca Me Hot.

Next door should be a butcher shop that specializes in pork, and adjacent
to that an open-pit barbecue pork restaurant, called Iraq of Ribs. Across
the street there could be a lingerie store called “Victoria
Keeps Nothing Secret”, with s*xy mannequins in the window modelling the
goods, and on the other side a liquor store called “Morehammered”.
All of this would encourage Muslims to demonstrate the tolerance they
demand of us”.
Yes we should promote tolerance, and you can do your part by passing this
on.  And if you are not laughing or smiling at this point,  it is either
past your bedtime, or it’s midnight at the oasis and time to put your
camel to bed..

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Mature Lady Driver!

A mature (over 40) lady gets pulled over for  speeding...
Older  Woman:  Is there aproblem,Officer?
Officer:  Ma'am, you were speeding.
Older  Woman:  Oh, I see.
Officer:  Can I see your licence please?
Older  Woman:  I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer:  Don't have one?
Older  Woman:  Lost it, 4 years ago for drink driving.
Officer:  I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Older  Woman:  I can't do that.
Officer:  Why not?
Older  Woman:  I stole this car.
Officer:  Stole it?
Older  Woman:  Yes, and I killed and hacked up the  owner.
Officer:  You what?
Older  Woman:  His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want
to see...
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls
for back up.  Within minutes, five police cars circle the car. A senior
officer  slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer  2:  Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle  please! The  woman
steps out of her vehicle.
Older  woman:  Is there a problem sir?
Officer  2:  One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and 
murdered the owner.
Older  Woman:  Murdered the owner?
Officer  2:  Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car,  please.
The  woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty  trunk.
Officer  2:  Is this your car, ma'am?
Older  Woman:  Yes, here are the registration papers.
The officer is quite stunned.
Officer  2:  One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving
licence.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch  purse and hands it
to the officer.
The officer examines the licence. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer  2:  Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a 
licence, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked  up the
owner.
Older  Woman:  Bet the lying bastard told you I was speeding too.

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power of prayer

During the service, the pastor asked if anyone in the  congregation would
like to express praise for prayers, which had been answered.  A lady stood
up and came forward.
She said, ˜I have a reason to thank the Lord. Two months ago, my  husband
Jim, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely  crushed.
The pain was excruciating and the doctors didnt know if they could  help
him.

You could hear an audible gasp from the men in the congregation  as they
imagined the pain that poor Jim experienced.
She continued, Jim was unable to hold me or the children and  every move
caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a  delicate
operation. They were able to piece together the crushed remnants of  Jims
scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it in place.
Again, the men in the congregation squirmed uncomfortably as  they imagined
the horrible surgery performed on Jim.
She continued, ˜Now, Jim is out of the hospital and the doctors  say, with
time, his scrotum should recover completely. All the men sighed with
relief.
The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had  anything to say.
A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.
He said, m Jim. The entire congregation held its breath.
I just want to tell my beautiful wife, the word is sternum.

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50 Sheds today
Men's Shed
We had a novel experience at a recent meeting of our book club at the Men's
Shed. One of our senior members,
Ted Roberts who is himself an author lauded for his timeless work
"Woodworking for Profit and Pleasure", came up with an interesting
suggestion.
He said his wife thought that we should read a book called
"Fifty Shades of Grey" as we might learn something from it.
Someone thought it would come in handy when re-painting the house. The
chaps were all asked to attend our next meeting with some notes relating to
their experience of reading the book and its relevance to our activities.
At the follow-up meeting we had an enthusiastic full house where the blokes
recounted the literary impact of the novel.

Here are their experiences:

Bill Carruthers, 74 We tried  various positions – round the back, on
the side, up against a wall.
But in the end we came to the conclusion the bottom of the garden was the
only place for a good shed.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Nick Enwright, 86 She stood before me, trembling in my shed im yours for
the night, she gasped, You can do whatever you want with me.
So I took her to Bunnings.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ted Roberts, 79 She knelt before me on the shed floor and tugged gently at
first, then harder until finally it came. I moaned with pleasure. Now for
the other boot.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tom Entwhistle, 73 Ever since she read THAT book, Ive had to buy all kinds
of ropes, chains and shackles. She still manages to get into the shed,
though.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jack Farthing, 78 Put on this rubber suit and mask, I instructed, calmly.
Mmmm, kinky! she purred.
Yes, I said, You cant be too careful with all that asbestos in the shed
roof.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
John Hardcastle, 72 im a very naughty girl, she said,
biting her lip. I need to be punished.
So I invited my mum to stay for the weekend.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Colin Horrocks, 65 Harder! she cried, gripping the workbench tightly.
Harder!
Okay,I said. Whats the gross national product of
Nicaragua?
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Malcolm Riddock, 75 I lay back exhausted, gazing happily out of the shed
window. Despite my concerns about my inexperience, my rhubarb had come up a
treat.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Allen Cardly, 74 Are you sure you can take the pain? she demanded,
brandishing stilettos.
I think so, I gulped.
Here we go, then, she said, and showed me the receipt.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Humphrey Landsdowne, 56 Hurt me she begged, raising her skirt as she bent
over my workbench.
Very well I replied. Youve got a fat ar*e and no dress sense.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Nicholas Benchley, 53 Are you sure you want this? I asked.
When Im done, you wont be able to sit down for weeks. She nodded.
Okay, I said, putting the three-piece lounge furniture for sale on eBay.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Toby Williams, 60 Punish me! she cried. Make me suffer like only a real man
can!
Very well, I replied, leaving the toilet seat up.

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Trivia for Seniors

THE ANSWERS WILL BE ON THE TIP OF YOUR TONGUE, BUT YOU JUST CAN'T QUITE
REMEMBER THE CORRECT ANSWER

DON'T LOOK BELOW FOR THE ANSWERS UNTIL YOU HAVE TRIED TO FIGURE IT OUT. A
TEST FOR 'OLDER' KIDS.

The answers are printed below, (after the questions) but don't cheat!
answer them first.....
*****************

01. After the Lone Ranger saved the day and rode off into the sunset, the
grateful citizens would ask, Who was that masked man? Invariably, someone
would answer, I don't know, but he left this behind. What did he leave
behind?________________.

02. When the Beatles first came to the U.S. In early 1964, we all watched
them on The ____ ___________ Show.

03. 'Get your kicks, __ _________ _______.'

04. 'The story you are about to see is true. The names have been changed to
_____ _ _____.'

05. 'In the jungle, the mighty jungle, ____ ____ ____ ____.'

06. After the Twist, The Mashed Potato, and the Watusi, we 'danced' under a
stick that was lowered as low as we could go in a dance called the '_____.'

07. Nestle's makes the very best.... _________.'

08. Satchmo was America 's 'Ambassador of Goodwill.' Our parents shared
this great jazz trumpet player with us. His name was

______ ___________.

09. What takes a licking and keeps on ticking? _______.

10. Red Skelton's hobo character was named ______ ___ ________ and Red
always ended his television show by saying, 'Good Night, and '________
________ '

11. Some Americans who protested the Vietnam War did so by burning their
______ _______.

12. The cute little car with the engine in the back and the trunk in the
front was called the VW. What other names did it go by? ___ & _______.

13. In 1971, singer Don MacLean sang a song about, 'the day the music
died.' This was a tribute to _______ ____________.

14. We can remember the first satellite placed into orbit. The Russians did
it. It was called __________.

15. One of the big fads of the late 50's and 60's was a large plastic ring
that we twirled around our waist. It was called the ______ _____ .

16. Remember LS/MFT _____ _____/_____ _____ _____?

17. Hey Kids! What time is it? It's _____ ______ _____!

18. Who knows what secrets lie in the hearts of men? Only The _____ Knows!

19. There was a song that came out in the 60's that was "a grave yard
smash". It's name was the ______ ______!

20. Alka Seltzer used a "boy with a tablet on his head" as it's
Logo/Representative. What was the boy's name? ________

ANSWERS:

01.The Lone Ranger left behind a silver bullet.

02. The Ed Sullivan Show

03. On Route 66

04.To protect the innocent.

05.The Lion Sleeps Tonight

06. The limbo

07. Chocolate

08. Louis Armstrong

09. The Timex watch

10. Freddy, The Freeloader and 'Good Night and God Bless.'

11. Draft cards (Bras were also burned. Not flags, as some have guessed)

12. Beetle or Bug

13. Buddy Holly

14. Sputnik

15. Hoola-hoop

16. Lucky Strike/Means Fine Tobacco

17. Howdy Doody Time

18. Shadow

19. Monster Mash

20. Speedy

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Smithers, an officer and a gentleman...........

In the great days of the British Empire, a new commanding officer was sent
to a South African bush outpost to relieve the retiring colonel.  After
welcoming his replacement and showing the usual courtesies (gin and tonic,
cuc*mber sandwiches, etc.) which protocol decrees, the retiring colonel
said, "You must meet my Adjutant, Captain Smithers, he's my right-hand man
and is really the strength of this office.  His talent is simply boundless.

Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new CO, who was surprised to
meet a hunchback, one eyed, toothless, hairless, scabbed and pockmarked
specimen of humanity, a particularly unattractive man less than three feet
tall.  "Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about yourself."

"Well, sir, I played cricket for England, graduated with honours from
Sandhurst, won the Military Cross and Bar after three expeditions behind
enemy lines.  I've represented Great Britain in equestrian events and won a
Silver Medal in the middleweight boxing division of the Olympics.  I have
researched the history of . . . "

At that point, the colonel interrupted.  "Yes, yes, never mind all that,
Smithers, he can find all that in your file. Tell him about the day you
told the witch doctor to f*ck off."

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Pasta.

For several years, a man had been having an affair with an Italian woman.
One night, she confided to him that she was pregnant.

Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum
of money if she would go back to Italy to have  the child in secret.

Also, if she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would provide child
support until the child turned 18.

She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.

To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a postcard, and write
"Spaghetti" on the back when the child was born.

He would then arrange for the Child Support Payments to begin.

One day, about 8 months later, he came home to his confused wife.

"Honey," she said, "You received a very strange postcard today."

"Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later," he said.

The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and
fainted.

On the card was written:

Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.

Three with meatballs, two without.

Send extra sauce.

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Interesting statistics

What a coincidence !

Some statistics:
One noteworthy reality about Europes current political leadership is
summarized here by Phil Lawler:

Macron, the newly elected French president, has no children.
German chancellor Angela  Merkel has no children.
British prime minister Theresa May has no children.
Italian prime minister Paolo Gentiloni has no children.
Hollands Mark Rutte,
Swedens Stefan Lafven,
Luxembourgs Xavier Bettel,
Scotlands Nicola Sturgeon”all have no children.
Jean-Claude Juncker, president of the European Commission, has no children.

"So a grossly disproportionate number of the people making decisions about
Europes future have no direct personal stake in that future."

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The Art Collector...Another golden oldie...

 A New York attorney representing a wealthy art collector called and asked
to  speak to his client, "So listen, Fred, I have some good news and I have
some  bad news."

 The art collector replied, "I've had an awful day; let's hear the good
news  first."

 The lawyer said, "Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me
that  she invested $5,000 in two pictures that she thinks will bring a
minimum  of $15-20 million. I think she could be right."

 Fred replied enthusiastically, "Well done! My wife is a brilliant business
woman!

 You've just made my day. Now I know I can handle the bad news. What is
it?"

 The  lawyer replied,  "The pictures are of you and your secretary."

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Top 8 Idiots of the year!

1*AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked
intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package.
Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence

2. *WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS: Police in Oakland, CA spent two
hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his
home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man
was standing beside them in the police line, shouting, 'Please come out and
give yourself up.'

3. *WHAT WAS PLAN B? An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a
motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller
machines, wherein the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own
bank accounts.

 4. *THE GETAWAY! A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Stop and asked
for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small,
so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three
hours until police showed up and grabbed him.

5. *DID I SAY THAT? Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery
suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives
asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words: 'Give me all your money
or I'll shoot', the man shouted, 'that's not what I said!'

6. *ARE WE COMMUNICATING? A man spoke frantically into the phone: 'My wife
is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart'. 'Is this her
first child?' the doctor asked. 'No!' the man shouted, 'This is her
husband!'

7. *NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED! In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King
was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a
weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun. Unfortunately, he
failed to keep his hand in his pocket. (hellooooooo...!!!)

8. *THE GRAND FINALE! Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the
high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, CA, some folks, new to boating,
were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get
their brand new 22 foot boat, going. It was very sluggish in almost every
maneuver, no matter how much power they applied. After about an hour of
trying to make it go, they putted into a nearby marina, thinking someone
there may be able to tell them what was wrong. A thorough topside check
revealed everything in perfect working condition. The engine ran fine, the
out-drive went up and down, and the propeller was the correct size and
pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath.
He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard. Under the boat, still
strapped securely in place, was the trailer

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An Adult Fairy Tale

Once upon a time there lived a King who had the most beautiful daughter.
But there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt..
No matter what:
Metal
Wood
Stone
Anything she touched would melt.
Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her

The King despaired. What could he do to help his daughter?
He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the King,
'If your  daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she
will be cured.'

The King was overjoyed and came up with a plan.
The next day, he held a competition. Any man that could bring his daughter
an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the King's
wealth.

THREE YOUNG PRINCES TOOK UP THE CHALLENGE.

The first brought a sword of the finest steel.
But alas, when the Princess touched it, it melted.
The prince went away sadly
The second prince brought diamonds.
He thought diamonds are the hardest substance in the world and would not
melt.
But alas, once the Princess touched them, they melted.

He too was sent away disappointed.
The third prince approached. He told the Princess,
'Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there.'

 The Princess did as she was told, though she turned red.

She felt something very hard. She held it in her hand.
And it did not melt!!!
The King was over joyed. Everybody in the kingdom was over joyed.

 And the Prince married the Princess and they both lived happily ever after

Question: What was in the Prince's pants

scroll down

M&M's of course!  They melt in your mouth, not in your hand.
What on earth were you thinking?

I DO WORRY ABOUT YOU AT TIMES!!!

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.How True

  HOW TRUE THIS IS.

 THE BACK NINE

 I FIRST STARTED READING THIS EMAIL & WAS READING FAST UNTIL  I REACHED THE
THIRD SENTENCE. I STOPPED AND STARTED OVER  READING SLOWER AND THINKING
ABOUT EVERY WORD. THIS EMAIL IS  VERY THOUGHT PROVOKING. MAKES YOU STOP AND
THINK.

 READ SLOWLY!

 AND THEN IT IS WINTER

 You know .. Time has a way of moving quickly and catching  you unaware of
the passing years. It seems just yesterday  that I was young, just married
and embarking on my new life  with my mate. Yet in a way, it seems like
eons ago, and I  wonder where all the years went. I know that I lived them 
all. I have glimpses of how it was back then and of all my  hopes and
dreams.

 But, here it is... *The back nine of my life***and it  catches me by
surprise...How did I get here so fast? Where  did the years go and where
did my youth go?

 I remember well seeing older people through the years and  thinking that
those older people were years away from me and  that I was only on the
first hole and the back nine was so  far off that I could not fathom it or
imagine fully what it  would be like.

 But, here it is...my friends are retired and getting  grey...they move
slower and I see an older person now. Some  are in better and some worse
shape than me...but, I see the  great change....Not like the ones that I
remember who were  young and vibrant...but, like me, their age is beginning
to  show and we are now those older folks that we used to see  and never
thought we'd become.

 Each day now, I find that just getting a shower is a real  target for the
day! And taking a nap is not a treat  anymore... it's mandatory! Cause if I
don't on my own free  will... I just fall asleep where I sit!

 And so...now I enter into this new season of my life  unprepared for all
the aches and pains and the loss of  strength and ability to go and do
things that I wish I had  done but never did!! But, at least I know, that
though I'm  on the back nine, and I'm not sure how long it will 
last...this I know, that when it's over on this earth...it's  over. A new
adventure will begin! *Yes, I have  regrets.***There are things I wish I
hadn't done...things I  should have done, but indeed, there are many things
I'm  happy to have done. It's all in a lifetime.

 So, if you're not on the back nine yet...let me remind you,
 that it will be here faster than you think. So, whatever you  would like
to accomplish in your life please do it quickly!
 Don't put things off too long!! Life goes by quickly. So, do  what you can
today, as you can never be sure whether you're  on the back nine or not!

 You have no promise that you will see all the seasons of  your life....so,
live for today and say all the things that  you want your loved ones to
remember...and hope that they  appreciate and love you for all the things
that you have  done for them in all the years past!!

 *"Life" is a gift to you.*The way you live your life is your  gift to
those who come after. Make it a fantastic one./*LIVE  IT WELL! ENJOY TODAY!
DO SOMETHING FUN! BE HAPPY ! HAVE A  GREAT DAY*/*//*Remember /*"It is
health that is real wealth  and not pieces of gold and silver*/.

 LASTLY, CONSIDER THIS:

 ~Your kids are becoming you......but your grandchildren are  perfect!

 ~Going out is good.. Coming home is better!

 ~You forget names.... But it's OK because some people forgot  they even
knew you!!!

 ~You realize you're never going to be really good at  anything like golf.

 ~The things you used to care to do, you aren't as interested  in anymore,
but you really don't care that you aren't as  interested.

 ~You sleep better on a lounge chair with the TV 'ON' than in  bed. It's
called "pre-sleep".

 ~You miss the days when everything worked with just an "ON"  and "OFF"
switch..

 ~You tend to use more 4 letter words ...
 "what?"..."when?"... ???

 ~You notice everything they sell in stores is "sleeveless"?!!!

 ~What used to be freckles are now liver spots.

 ~Everybody whispers.

 ~You have 3 sizes of clothes in your closet.... 2 of which  you will never
wear.

 ~~~But Old is good in some things: Old Songs, Old movies,
 and best of all,/*OLD FRIENDS*/!!

 Stay well, "OLD FRIEND!" Send this on to other "Old  Friends!" and let
them laugh in AGREEMENT!!! It's Not What  You Gather, But What You Scatter
That Tells What Kind Of  Life You Have Lived.

 TODAY IS THE OLDEST YOU'VE EVER BEEN; YET THE YOUNGEST  YOU'LL EVER BE, SO
ENJOY THIS DAY WHILE IT LASTS

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I LAUGHED TILL I CRIED...

You absolutely have to watch this, and probably share it with friends. You
are guaranteed much laughter. It even makes me feel younger!
This was a guest speaker at an actual Conference on Aging in California;
The speaker is a weatherman, but SHOULD be a standup comic. Attendees were
young and old alike, male and female.
 Click here

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Woman Juggler
*Super sophisticated and so very clever*...
 Click here

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Big Brother is Watching You!

- Hello! Gordon's pizza?
- No sir it's Google's pizza.
- So it's a wrong number?
- No sir, Google bought it.
- OK. Take my order please ..
- Well sir, you want the usual?
- The usual? You know me?
- According to our caller ID, in the last 12 times, you ordered

pizza with cheeses, sausage, thick crust

- OK! This is it
- May I suggest to you this time ricotta, arugula with dry tomato?
- No, I hate vegetables - But your cholesterol is not good - How do you
know?
- Through the subscribers guide. We have the result of your blood

tests for the last 7 years

- Okay, but I do not want this pizza, I already take medicine - You have
not taken the  medicine regularly, 4 months ago, you

only purchased a box with 30 tablets at Drugsale Network

- I bought more from another drugstore - It's not showing on your credit
card - I paid in cash - But you did not withdraw that much cash according
to your bank

statement

- I have other source of cash
- This is not showing as per you last Tax form unless you got it

from undeclared income source
-WHAT THE HELL? Enough! I'm sick of Google, Facebook, twitter,
WhatsApp. I'm going to an Island without internet, where there is no cell
phone line and no one to spy on me

- I understand sir, but you need to renew your passport as it has

expired 5 weeks ago..

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Father Norton

Father Norton woke up Sunday morning and realizing it was an exceptionally
beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf.
So... he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and persuaded
him to say Mass for him that day. As soon as the
Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out of town to a golf
course about fifty kilometers away.

This way he knew he wouldn't accidentally meet anyone he knew from his
parish.
Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning
and everyone else was in church!
At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to God while looking down from
the heavens and exclaimed, "You're not going to let him get away with this,
are you?" God sighed, and said, "No, I guess not." Just then
Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin,
dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole.

IT WAS A 420 METER HOLE IN ONE!

St. Peter was astonished. He looked at God and asked, "Why did you let him
do that?"
God smiled and replied, "Who's he going to tell?"

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Mafia guy

Mafia guy goes to see a lawyer in Italy.....

Mafia guy .... "You speak English ?"

Lawyer ...."Yes I do"

Mafia guy ...."OK there is this English guy - he owes me $5m - I want you
to come with me to England to ask him for my f***ing money OK ? I pay you
good."

So they get on a plane to England, go to the guy's house and confront him .

Mafia guy to lawyer .. " Ask him where the f*** is my money ! "

Lawyer to Englishman ... " He wants his money "

Englishman ..." Tell him I don't have it  "

Mafia guy ..." What he say ? "

Lawyer " He says he doesn't have it "

Mafia guy pulls out a f***ing great big magnum , presse it to
Englishman's head, c*cks it and says " ASK THE LITTLE C*NT AGAIN! WHERE MY
F*CKING MONEY ?

Lawyer to Englishman " I think you better tell him , he WILL kill you -
he's a nutter "

Englishman ( sweating profusely and shaking ) NO, NO PLEASE - tell him ,
tell him it's in a box in the garden , it's buried under the 3rd tree on
the left - it's all there , all 5 million dollars . Please TELL HIM HE CAN
HAVE IT  "

Mafia guy ... "What he f***ing say ? "

Lawyer ...." Errrr, he say " F*CK YOU ,YOU NOT GOT F*CKING GUTS TO PULL
THAT TRIGGER, YOU FAT GREASY BASTARD !!!! "

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politicians

What do politicians and diapers have in common?

Both should be changed regularly, and both for the same reason.

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Baby bear

Baby bear goes downstairs, sits in his small chair at the table.
He looks into his small bowl. It's empty. 'Who's been eating my porridge?'
he squeaks.

Daddy Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks
into his big bowl and it's also empty. 'Who's been eating my porridge?!?'
he roars.

Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and
yells, 'For God's sake, how many times do I have to go through this with
you idiots? It was Mummy Bear who got up first. It was Mummy Bear who woke
everyone in the house. It was Mummy Bear who made the coffee. It was Mummy
Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away.
It was Mummy Bear who swept the floor in the kitchen.
It was Mummy Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch
The newspaper and croissants. It was Mummy Bear who set the damn table.

'It was Mummy Bear who walked the bloody dog, cleaned the cat's litter
tray, gave them their food, and refilled their water.

'And now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-ar*es downstairs and
grace Mummy Bear with your grumpy presence, listen carefully,
because I'm only going to say this once....

'I HAVEN'T MADE THE EFFING PORRIDGE YET!

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Vacation
 Click here

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Magic Trick Mk II
 Click here

Here's another magic trick, but I doubt I'm capable of presenting this one
to my grand children.

I'll leave this one to the pint sized professional on Britain's Got Talent!

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WOMEN WITH A SENSE OF HUMOUR
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

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Parking a car in the year 1927
 Click here

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How to Drink Your Coffee in Peace
 Click here

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Amazing photos hidden for years
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
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 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here

AMAZING PHOTOS.  HOW COULD THEY BE HIDDEN FOR SO MANY YEARS?  THEY SHOULD
BE IN A MUSEUM!
Great pics just recently found in an old foot locker and were able to be
developed.

Japanese Kawanishi H8K seaplane after strafing. Kwajalein

Squad of Rufe's at Bougainville. These things were very nimble even with
the pontoons.

The A6M2-N float plane version of the Zero did extremely well, suffering
only a small loss in its legendary maneuverability.
Top speed was not affected, however, the aircraft's relatively light
armament was a detriment.

Snow on deck. USS Philippine Sea North Pacific 1945

HARVS on the way in shot by a P-47. Rare shot.

Deck crew climbing up to get the pilot out. He did. Thats a fuel tank his
foot is on. Empty?

Marines disembark LST at Tinian Island.

Bougainville

Guam

Outside Bastogne
(December 1944 )

German 280mm K5 firing

U.S. munitions ship goes up during the invasion of Sicily.

GERMAN V1

Spitfire "tipping-off" a V1. If you've never heard of this insane
tactic.......
At first V1's were shot down by gunfire. With the high risk of being blown
up, some of the best pilots started tipping the V1's wing. Because of
damage to wing tips, they later developed a tactic of disrupting the
airflow by placing their wing very close to the V1's wing, causing it to
topple.
Not every pilot did this.
At night this was not possible, the flame from the V1 blinded the pilot to
everything else, though some Mossie pilots flew past closely in front of
the V1,again causing it to topple.
The thought of doing this at 450mph, 4,000 feet above the ground, at night,
and being blinded gives me the willies!

Panzerkampfwagen VI "E Tiger"

Ju-88 loading a torpedo. This is one HUGE bomber .. and it's on pontoons!!!

German "KARL" mortars. Sebastopol

Reloading a KARL!

BOOM!

Italian 303 Bombers over North Africa
PICTURES BELOW WERE TAKEN 69 YRS AGO & LEFT IN A BROWNIE CAMERA –
REAL INTERESTING.
====================================================
(December 7, 1941)
Isn't it amazing how a film could last so long in a camera without
disintegrating?
Fantastic photos taken 69 years ago. Some of you will have to go to a
museum to see what a Brownie box camera looked like.
Here is a simple picture of the Brownie Box camera we are talking
about.....

These photos are absolutely incredible.....
Read below, the first picture and at the end...

PHOTOS STORED IN AN OLD BROWNIE CAMERA
Thought you might find these photos very interesting. Amazing quality for
1941.
These Pearl Harbor photos were found in an old Brownie Camera which had
been stored in a foot locker and just recently taken to be developed.
They are from a Sailor who was on the USS Quapaw ATF-110.
PEARL HARBOR – December 7th, 1941.

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Female Medical Examination....
 Click here

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DKW (Dampf-Kraft-Wagen)
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

DKW (Dampf-Kraft-Wagen, - English: Steam-Driven-Car) is a German car and
motorcycle. The company and brand is one of the ancestor companies of the
modern day Audi company, as one of the four companies that formed
Auto-Union (DKW, Audi, Daimler-Benz, and Volkswagen), in 1964.

In 1916, Danish engineer Jørgen Skafte Rasmussen founded a factory in
Zschopau, Saxony, Germany, to produce a steam-driven car, called the DKW.
He made a two-stroke engine in 1919, and called it Des-Knaben-Wunsch
– The-Boy's-Wish. He put a slightly modified version of this engine
into a motorcycle, and called it Das Kleine Wunder – The Little
Wonder, the initials from this, becoming the DKW brand. By the late 1920s,
DKW was the world's largest motorcycle manufacturer.

In 1932, DKW merged with Audi, in 1957, with Daimler-Benz, and in 1964 with
Volkswagen, to form Auto-Union. The last German-built DKW car was the F102,
which ceased production in 1966. Its successor, the four-stroke F103, was
marketed under the Audi brand.

DKW badged cars continued to be built under license in Brazil (until 1967),
and Argentina (until 1969). The DKW trademark is currently owned by
Auto-Union, wholly owned by Audi, which also owns the rights to other
historical trademarks, and intellectual property of the Auto-Union combine.

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Google Jumps the Gun
 Click here Click here

Google, the internet giant appears to have jumped the gun on calls for
Margaret Court Arena to be renamed, amid a furore over the tennis star's
comments on homos*xuality, with Google Maps instead showing it as the
Evonne Goolagong Arena.

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Elephant on the Road
 Click here

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3 X Photos
 Click here Click here Click here

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Street Chemist
 Click here

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Good Stuff
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here

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[ End friday humour ]

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