Friday humour - June 09, 2017

[from Steve @ Bluehaze]

I was going to write something insightful about The Donald, but when I
thought of him my mind froze.

So - Where did Noah keep the bees?
     In the arc hives.

This weeks collection hails from Duke of Barsinov, Haz, KRP, Sack, Arfermo,
Havarum, Seasoldier, Wally, Whizzbang et. al.

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

EMERGENCY ROOM GOLFERS

13,000 people go to the emergency room each year from the golf course.
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Brit humour in NY...John Oliver 
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

The pizza order

Hello ! Gordon's pizza?
No sir, it's Google's pizza.
So, this is a wrong number?
No sir, Google bought it.
OK. Take my order please.
Well sir, you want the usual?
The usual? You know me?
According to our caller ID, the last twelve times, you ordered pizza with
three cheeses, sausage and a thick crust.
OK ! That's it.
May I suggest to you this time ricotta and arugula with dried tomato?
What? I hate vegetables.
Your cholesterol level is not good.
How do you know that?
Through the health scheme subscribers' guide. We have the results of your
blood tests for the last seven years.
OK, but I do not want that new pizza - I am already taking a cholesterol
lowering medicine.
But you have not been taking that medicine regularly. You only purchased
one box of 30 tablets four months ago at Drugsale Network.
I bought some more from another chemist.
That's not showing on your credit cards.
I paid for them in cash
But you did not withdraw that much cash, according to your bank statements.
I have other sources of cash.
That is not showing as per you last Tax return, unless you bought them from
an undeclared income source
WHAT THE HELL? That's enough ! I'm sick and tired of Google, Facebook,
Twitter and WhatsApp. I'm going to live on an island somewhere without the
Internet, where there are no cell phones and there's no one to spy on me
any more !
I can understand that, sir - but in that case, you'll need to renew your
passport. It expired five weeks ago !

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

In Russia We Ignore Guns
 Click here

 ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Winne-the-Pooh

Perhaps we adults need to revisit the realms of children's literature, TV
and film once in a while because there is a surprising amount of wisdom to
be gleaned from them.

Author A.A. Milne created some of the most thoughtful and profound
characters when he penned his Winne-the-Pooh novels and many of the quotes
that were born from it have life lessons we can all learn from.

Some of these, and others from the subsequent animated adaptations, can be
found below. As soon as you start reading them, you'll be blown away by how
deep and full of meaning they are.If you are a parent, perhaps you should
consider tracking down the books, TV series, and movies to introduce your
children to the wonders of this bear in the forest.

On love:

  "How do you spell '˜love'?“ Piglet
  "You don't spell it - you feel it.“ Pooh

On trusting your ability to deal with anything:

  Promise me you'll always remember: You're braver than you believe, and
stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.

  On the importance of the little things:

  Sometimes, said Pooh, the smallest things take up the most room in your
heart.

On being present:

  "What day is it?"
  "It's today," squeaked Piglet.
  "My favorite day," said Pooh.

On the futility of worry:

  "Supposing a tree fell down, Pooh, when we were underneath it?"
  "Supposing it didn't," said Pooh after careful thought.
  Piglet was comforted by this.

  On knowing by simply being:

  Sometimes, if you stand on the bottom rail of a bridge and lean over to
watch the river slipping slowly away beneath you, you will suddenly know
everything there is to be known.

On individuality:

  The things that make me different are the things that make me.

On the difference between knowledge and understanding:

  "Rabbit's clever," said Pooh thoughtfully.
  "Yes," said Piglet, "Rabbit's clever."
  "And he has Brain."
  "Yes," said Piglet, "Rabbit has Brain."
  There was a long silence.
  "I suppose," said Pooh, "that that's why he never understands anything."

On knowing that you don't need anybody else to complete you:

  I was walking along looking for somebody, and then suddenly I wasn't
anymore.

On self-sacrifice:

  Love is taking a few steps backward maybe even more…to give way to
the happiness of the person you love.

On gratitude:

  Piglet noticed that even though he had a very small heart, it could hold
a rather large amount of gratitude.

On comfort zones:

  You can't stay in your corner of the Forest waiting for others to come to
you. You have to go to them sometimes.

On not overthinking:

  Sometimes I sits and thinks, and sometimes I just sits…

  On unselfishness:

  A little consideration, a little thought for others, makes all the
difference.

On the wealth in your life:

  How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard.

On clearing your mind of all thoughts:

  Don't underestimate the value of doing nothing, of just going along,
listening to all the things you can't hear, and not bothering.

On the value of dreams:

  I think we dream so we don't have to be apart for so long. If we're in
each other's dreams, we can be together all the time.

  On the benefits of not micromanaging everything:

  One of the advantages of being disorganized is that one is always having
surprising discoveries.

On the beauty within the arts:

  But it isn't easy, said Pooh. Because poetry and hums aren't things which
you get, they're things which get you. And all you can do is to go where
they can find you.

On finding joy in everything:

  Nobody can be uncheered with a balloon.

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

New PM?
 Click here
Hopefully, he will run for Parliament. He appears to have what most current
politicians lack . . . . .

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Marketing tips from the past!
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

The bill...
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Kissing Test
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

OH NO!
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Woops -- error...
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Distorted Humor
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Mother told you not to swim naked.....
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Golfing ..
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Hard To Believe
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

11 X Australian Photos of the Week
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Oh Deer
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Links & Photos
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Unusual
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

 Broccoli
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

 Grandma's House
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

      Ah-the-eah the-eah That's All (for this week) Folks!


--------------------------------------------------------------------------
[ End friday humour ]

 Previous (June 02, 2017)  Index Next (June 16, 2017)