Friday humour - June 02, 2017

 From Burnout @ Bluehaze:

From: Anonymous3
Subject: Sounds Like A Dime-Store Novel

He grasped me firmly, but gently, just above my elbow and guided me into a
room, his room.  Then he quietly shut the door and we were alone.  He
approached me soundlessly, from behind, and spoke in a low, reassuring
voice close to my ear.  "Just relax," he whispered.

Without warning, he reached down and I felt his strong, calloused hands
start at my ankles, gently probing, and moving upward along my calves,
slowly but steadily.  My breath caught in my throat.  I knew I should be
afraid, but somehow I didn't care.  His touch was so experienced, so sure. 
When his hands moved up onto my thighs, I gave a slight shudder, and partly
closed my eyes.  My pulse was pounding.  I felt his knowing fingers caress
my abdomen, my rib cage.  And then, as he cupped my breasts in his hands, I
inhaled sharply.   Probing, searching, knowing what he wanted, he brought
his hands to my shoulders, slid them down my tingling spine and into my
panties.  Although I knew nothing about this man, I felt oddly trusting and
expectant.  This is a man, I thought.  A man used to taking charge.  A man
not used to taking "No" for an answer.  A man who would tell me what he
wanted.  A man who would look into my soul and say…

"Okay, ma'am, you may board your flight now."

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From: Arfermo
Subject: Murphy again

             MURPHY'S OTHER 15 LAWS

1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright
until you hear them speak.

2. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

3. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

4. A day without sunshine is like, well, night.

5. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

6. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

7. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

8. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something
right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

9. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end-to-end,
someone from California would be stupid enough to try to pass them.

10. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

11. The things that come to those who wait, may be the things left by those
who got there first.

12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he
will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.

13. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.

14 . God gave you toes as a device for finding furniture in the dark.

15. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of twelve
people, who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

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From: Haz
Subject: TOOLS AND HOW TO USE THEM ...

SKIL SAW:
A portable cutting tool used to make boards too short.

BELT SANDER:
An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into
major refinishing jobs.

WIRE WHEEL:
Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench
with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses
from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh sh*t'.

DRILL PRESS:
A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock
out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer
across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had
carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

Channel Locks:
Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of
blood-blisters.

HACKSAW:
One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle...
It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion,
and the more you attempt to influence its course,
the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS:
Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads.
If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense
welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH:
Used almost entirely for igniting various flammable objects in your shop
and creating a fire.
Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you
want to remove a bearing race.

TABLE SAW:
A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for
testing wall integrity.
Very effective for digit removal !!

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:
Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your
new brake shoes,
trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW:
A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut large
pieces into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash after you
cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST:
A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of all the cr*p you forgot
to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:
Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style
paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be
used,
as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER:
A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted
screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

PRY BAR:
A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you
needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

PVC PIPE CUTTER:
A tool used to make plastic pipe too short.

HAMMER:
Originally employed as a weapon of war,
the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most
expensive parts adjacent to the object we are trying to hit.

UTILITY KNIFE:
Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered
to your front door. Works particularly well on contents such as seats,
vinyl records,
liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks,
and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes,
but only while in use.

And lastly ..

SON OF A BITCH TOOL:
Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'Son
of a bitch' at the top of your lungs. It is also,
most often, the next tool that you will need.

Subject: Dead Cow Lecture

First-year students at the Purdue School of Veterinarian Medicine were
attending their first anatomy class with a real dead cow.

They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a
white sheet.
The professor started the class by telling them, "In Veterinary medicine it
is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor.

The first is not to be disgusted by anything involving an animal's body."
For example, the professor pulled back the sheet and stuck his finger in
the butt of the cow, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth.

"Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.

The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually
took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead cow and, sucked on
it.......followed by assorted gagging, retching  and spitting, etc.

When everyone had finished wiping their faces, the Professor looked at them
and said;

"The second most important quality is observation.

I stuck in my middle finger in the cow and sucked on my index finger.

Now learn to pay attention.............

."Life is tough but it's even tougher if you're stupid."

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From: Mitta
Subject: Police Complaint - just brilliant

This is a genuine complaint to Devon & Cornwall Police Force from an angry
member of the public.
A true email sent to the force, lengthy but brilliantly written.....

Dear Sir/Madam/Automated telephone answering service,

Having spent the past twenty minutes waiting for someone at Bodmin police
station to pick up a telephone I have decided to abandon the idea and try
e-mailing you instead.

Perhaps you would be so kind as to pass this message on to your colleagues
in Bodmin, by means of smoke signal, carrier pigeon or Ouija board.

As I'm writing this e-mail there are eleven failed medical experiments (I
think you call them youths) in St Mary's Crescent, which is just off St
Mary's Road in Bodmin.

Six of them seem happy enough to play a game which involves kicking a
football against an iron gate with the force of a meteorite.

This causes an earth shattering CLANG! which rings throughout the entire
building.

This game is now in its third week and as I am unsure how the scoring
system works, I have no idea if it will end any time soon.

The remaining five failed-abortions are happily rummaging through several
bags of rubbish and items of furniture that someone has so thoughtfully
dumped beside the wheelie bins.

One of them has found a saw and is setting about a discarded chair like a
beaver on ecstasy pills.

I fear that it's only a matter of time before they turn their limited
attention to the caravan gas bottle that is lying on its side between the
two bins.

If they could be relied on to only blow their own arms and legs off then I
would happily leave them to it. I would even go so far as to lend them the
matches.

Unfortunately they are far more likely to blow up half the street with them
and I've just finished decorating the kitchen.

What I suggest is this - after replying to this e-mail with worthless
assurances that the matter is being looked into and will be dealt with,

why not leave it until the one night of the year (probably bath night) when
there are no mutants around then drive up the street in a Panda car

before doing a three point turn and disappearing again.  This will of
course serve no other purpose than to remind us what policemen actually
look like.

I trust that when I take a claw hammer to the skull of one of these
throwbacks you'll do me the same courtesy of giving me a four month head
start before coming to arrest me.

I remain your obedient servant

???????

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Mr ??????,

I have read your e-mail and understand your frustration at the problems
caused by youths playing in the area and the problems you have encountered
in trying to contact the police.

As the Community Beat Officer for your street I would like to extend an
offer of discussing the matter fully with you.

Should you wish to discuss the matter, please provide contact details
(address / telephone number) and when may be suitable.

Regards,

PC ???????

Community Beat Officer

Dear PC ???????

First of all I would like to thank you for the speedy response to my
original e-mail.

16 hours and 38 minutes must be a personal record for Bodmin Police
Station, and rest assured that I will forward these details to Norris
McWhirter for inclusion in his next Guinness book.

Secondly I was delighted to hear that our street has its own Community Beat
Officer.

May I be the first to congratulate you on your covert skills?  In the five
or so years I have lived in St Mary's Crescent,  I have never seen you.

Do you hide up a tree or have you gone deep undercover and infiltrated the
gang itself?  Are you the one with the acne and the moustache on his
forehead

or the one with a chin like a wash hand basin?  It's surely only a matter
of time before you are head-hunted by MI5 in their quest to find Lord
Lucan.

Whilst I realise that there may be far more serious crimes taking place in
Bodmin, such as smoking in a public place or being Christian without due
care and attention,

is it too much to ask for a policeman to explain (using words of no more
than two syllables at a time) to these ****s that they might want to play
their strange football game elsewhere.

The pitch on Fairpark Road, or the one at Priory Park are both within
spitting distance as is the bottom of the Par Dock, the latter being the
preferred option especially if the tide is in.

Should you wish to discuss these matters further you should feel free to
contact me on..... If after 25 minutes I have still failed to answer, I'll
buy you a large one in the Cat and Fiddle Pub.

Regards
?????????

P.S If you think that this is sarcasm, think yourself lucky that you don't
work for the sewerage department with whom I am also in contact !!!

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From: Sack
Subject:  The Classical Typewriter

This is great. I haven't heard this in years.  Enjoy!
 Click here

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From: Seasoldier
Subject: Why... here's the testimony !!!!!!

Too funny not to share.  Start you day with a smile.

Here are five reasons why a woman should think before she speaks. The last
one is great! Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately
take the words back..Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did....

FIRST TESTIMONY:
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked
loudly, How much do you charge for a shampoo and a bl*w job?'
I turned around and walked back out and never went back
My husband didn't say a word...he knew better.

SECOND TESTIMONY:
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls.
I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using.
After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the
good-looking gentlemen who work at the store.
He asked if he could help me.
Without thinking, I looked at him and said, I think I like playing with
men's balls'

THIRD TESTIMONY:
My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety
of candy and nuts.
As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if
we needed any help. I replied, ' No, I'm just looking at your nuts.'
My sister started to laugh hysterically.
The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away.
To this day, my sister has never let me forget.

FOURTH TESTIMONY:
Have you ever asked your child a question too many times?
My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was
on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch, in
between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying
my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my
seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean.
Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while. I asked
him if he needed to go, and he said No!... I kept thinking Oh Lord, that
child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me.' Then I
said, Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?'
'No,' he replied.
I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was
getting worse.  Soooooo, I asked one more time, 'Danny did you have an
accident?
This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over, spread his cheeks
and yelled SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!'
While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly
pulled up his pants and sat down.
An older couple made me feel better, thanking me for the best laugh they'd
ever had!

LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY:

This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very
embarrassed female news anchor who will,
in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you
predict snow but don't get any! We had a female news anchor that, the day
after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman
and asked:
'So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?'

Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were
laughing so hard!

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From: Whizzbang
Subject: Farm
 Click here

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From: Digi Steve
Subject: Golf texting - we've all been here!
 Click here

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From: Haz
Subject: Golf
 Click here

Subject: POLE DANCERS
 Click here

Subject: Nice booty but ...
 Click here

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From: Mitta
Subject: Piglet and Pooh
 Click here

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From: Sack
Subject: Freak of Navigation
 Click here

The passenger steamer SS Warrimoo was quietly knifing its way through the
waters of the mid-Pacific on its way from Vancouver to Australia.  The
navigator had just finished working out a star fix and brought the result
to the master, Captain John Phillips.
The Warrimoo’s position was LAT 0 degrees 31' N and LON 179 degrees 30'
W.  The date was 30 December 1899.
“Know what this means?” First Mate Payton broke in, “We’re only a
few miles from the intersection of the Equator and the International Date
Line”.

Captain Phillips was prankish enough to take full advantage of the
opportunity for achieving the navigational freak of a lifetime.  He called
his navigators to the bridge to check and double check the ship's position.
 He changed course slightly so as to bear directly on his mark. Then he
adjusted the engine speed.

The calm weather and clear night worked in his favour.  At midnight the SS
Warrimoo lay on the Equator at exactly the point where it crosses the
International Date Line.

The consequences of this bizarre position were several.

The bow of the ship was in the Southern Hemisphere and the middle of
summer.  The stern was in the Northern Hemisphere and in the middle of
winter.
The date in the aft part of the ship was 31 December 1899.  Forward it was
1 January 1900.

This ship was therefore not only in two different days, two different
months, two different years and two different seasons, but in two different
centuries – all at the same time.

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From: Sack
Subject: A beggar in Japan
This guy is pretty smart; so is the bird.....…
 Click here

Subject:  The Clown....
 Click here

Subject: Wanted...a dog like this one
 Click here

Subject:  Igor Moiseyev ballet - practicing....
 Click here

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From: Seasoldier
Subject: Just Not His Day
 Click here

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From: Wally
Subject: Crime does not Pay
Crime does not Pay (Oldie but a Goodie)
 Click here

Subject: Links & Photos

Beer Bottle Boys (Billy Jean)

Wild Antarctica

Remember Me
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here

Subject: Putin won't be Happy

A television anchor for the Russian news channel Mir24, got a big surprise,
when a black dog unexpectedly crawled out from under her desk, while she
was on-air. She gave him an awkward pat on the head, while telling her
audience, that she is actually a cat person.

Putin won't be Happy
 Click here

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A Post from a site where the discussion entailed the removal of Mens
excessive body hair:
Friends dont shave your ar*e hair!

I have recently made a mistake in my life, and I offer my story to you,
that you may learn from my error. It all started, as many things do, with
me having trouble ****ting.
No, I was not constipated; this was not a regularity problem but a matter
of technique. It seems my ass-hair had grown to such a length that tiny
grogans were constantly getting tied up in the matted jungle between my
asscheeks. It led to much frustration, with me KNOWING that I still had
something to drop, but unable to shake the tenacious t*rd loose from its
butthair dwelling. Eventually I would have to do two things: either reach
down with some paper and try to pinch off the lingering loaf (which
required careful precision to avoid smearing the creature all over my rear,
especially since I had no way of seeing what I was doing) or just go for
broke, start wiping, and hope that I could remove all the leftover fecal
matter before the toilet paper reached its Can?t-Be-Flushed threshold.
I was contemplating this problem, when I had what seemed at the time to be
a bright idea. ?Hey! This is my butt and my butt-hair, right? So why don?t
I just eliminate all the hair, and then my grogans will flow out like beer
from a keg!? I said to myself. It is a statement that will go down in
history with a lot of other regretted statements. ?How many Indians could
there be?? said by General Custer. ?Looks like a good day for a drive!? by
JFK. ?There! America On-Line now has complete Usenet access!? by some idiot
system tech. Such was my anal shaving idea.
I performed the operation that night, with a cheap disposable razor and a
towel to sit on. Starting from the bottom, and shaving from the crack to
the cheeks, I began the arduous process of ridding my ass of hair.
Occassionally, I would have to clean the razor of acc*mulated hair and
miscellaneous slime, which I did by wiping it on the towel. Slowly, my twin
mounds and the between-ravine began to resemble the hairless cheeks of a
newborn baby. Finally, I wiped the razor one last time, and surveyed my
work. The towel was covered with a pile of hair. My ass was smooth as
ivory. I smiled, satisfied, thinking my troubles were over.
Little did I know.

I now have a great respect for anal-hair. Like everything in this world God
created, it has its mighty purpose in existence. It was only after I had
removed it that I started to learn how much I had been taking it for
granted. For one, it provides friction. I learned this the next day, when I
walked out into the sun heading for class. After climbing two flights of
stairs and starting to sweat, I started to notice something unpleasant. The
sweat was acc*mulating in my crack, and was causing the unpleasant
sensation of my two asscheeks sliding past each other with every step. I
thought about going to the bathroom and wiping it off, but had to get to
class. Eventually, I thought, it would dry.
Unfortunately, it did dry, but only after mingling with the microscopic
$!@%- molecules lingering around my brown starfish. When I stood up after
class, my cheeks were stuck together with a slimy sticky $!@%/sweat
combination. As I made my way back to my dorm, it started to itch.
God-DAMN, did it itch! Felt like a swarm of ants was making its way up and
down my crack. Fighting to keep from jamming my hand down there and
scratching away, I rushed back to the dorm.
Unfortunately again, this exertion caused me to sweat, and when I finally
reached my room, my cheeks were sliding back and forth against each other
like a pair of horny cane-toads. I quickly dropped my pants, and attempted
to dry my ass off by sticking it in front of a fan and spreading my cheeks.
As I pulled the two mounds of flesh apart, a horrible stench burst free and
filled the room. Every dog within a 4 block radius started to howl. I had
it worst of all, as the ripe aroma of festering ****/sweat went into the
fan and blew back into my face. I fought to keep from heaving. And as I sat
there, fighting vomit, my ass cheeks spread and dripping, with the
concentrated aroma of my body odor mixed with the tangy smell of my own
**** blowing right into my face, I had only one thought: ?It will be like
this until the hair grows back. Weeks.?
Later on, trying to deal as best I could, wiping my ass at every
opportunity, I discovered another wonderful use for ass-hair - ventilation.
I attempted to launch a fart, only to have it get stuck between my
asscheeks. Apparently, with no hair, the two pink twins can get vacuum
sealed together, and the result was a frustrating fart that slid up and
down between my cheeks like a lost gerbil.
As if that wasnt enough, I am now enduring further torture. As anyone who
has ever shaved anything knows, when hair is first growing in, it comes in
as stubble. Imagine your ass having the texture of a brillo pad. Well, that
is what I am dealing with now. It is a hellish torture, and there are many
times when I just look out the window and contemplate why I shouldn?t just
jump out and get it all over with in one fleshy splat, rather than endure
this constant agony.

Friends, DONT SHAVE YOUR AR*E-HAIR!

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Quote of the Week:

“Behind every great Man there is a woman rolling her eyes.”

  - Jim Carrey.

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[ End friday humour ]

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