Friday humour - May 26, 2017



Friday Humour is a plethora of playfulness, presented to you this week by
Arfermo, Havarum, Haz, Sack, Seasoldier, Wally, Mitta and Whizzbang!

After Monday and Tuesday, even the calendar says WTF. - by unknown

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Last night

Last night I was sitting at a Red light, minding my own business, patiently
waiting for it to turn Green even though there was no on-coming traffic.

A carload of bearded, young, loud Muslims, shouting anti-Aussie slogans,
with a half- burned Aussie Flag duct-taped to the boot lid of their car and
a "Remember 9-11" slogan, spray painted on the side, was stopped next to
me.

Suddenly they yelled, "Allah Akhbar!" and took off before the light
changed.

Out of nowhere a bus came speeding through the junction and ran directly
over their car, crushing it completely and killing everyone in it.

For several minutes I sat in my car thinking to myself, "Bloody hell! That
could have been me !"

So today, bright and early, I went out and got a job as a bus driver.

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Uncle Rob
 Click here
 Click here
 Click here

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Some good ideas here
 Click here

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Elderly watching TV

An elderly couple were at home watching TV.

Phil had the remote and was switching back and forth between a fishing
channel and the porn channel.

Sally became more and more annoyed and finally said, "For God's sake,
Phil... leave it on the porn channel...
you know how to fish!"

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Philosophy

FOR THOSE WHO LOVE THE PHILOSOPHY OF AMBIGUITY, AS WELL AS THE
IDIOSYNCRASIES OF ENGLISH, READ ON:

1. ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA...... FLOOR.

2. ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANISATION.

3. IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES,  WHY DO WE STILL HAVE MONKEYS AND
APES?

4. I WENT TO A BOOK STORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN, "WHERE'S THE SELF- HELP
SECTION?" SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE.

5. WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS?

6. IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?

7. WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN ENDANGERED
PLANT?

8. WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK?

9. IF THE POLICE ARREST A MUTE, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO REMAIN
SILENT?

10. WHY DO THEY PUT BRAILLE ON THE DRIVE-THROUGH BANK MACHINES?

11. HOW DO THEY GET DEER TO CROSS THE ROAD ONLY AT THOSE RED TRIANGULAR
ROAD SIGNS?

12. WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?

13. ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON'T TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE.

14. DO INFANTS ENJOY INFANCY AS MUCH AS ADULTS ENJOY ADULTERY?

15. HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR?

16. IF ONE SYNCHRONISED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO?

17. IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO, WOULD YOU STILL BE HUNGRY?

18. IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE?

19. WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD 'LISP' TO HAVE 'S' IN IT?

20. WHY ARE HAEMORRHOIDS CALLED "HAEMORRHOIDS" INSTEAD OF "ASTEROIDS"?

21. WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRY DATE ON SOUR CREAM?

22. IF YOU SPIN AN ORIENTAL MAN IN A CIRCLE THREE TIMES, DOES HE BECOME
DISORIENTED?

23. CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF GOD?

24. WHY DO SHOPS HAVE SIGNS, 'GUIDE DOGS ONLY', THE DOGS CAN'T READ AND
THEIR OWNERS ARE BLIND?

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Who is this guy???
 Click here

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Billy Connolly - colonoscopy prep - hilarious
 Click here

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China Set To Open World's Longest And Highest Glass-Bottom Bridge
 Click here

A bridge too far? China set to open the most terrifying walkway in the
world, stretching a quarter-of-a-mile across a canyon at a dizzying height
of 980 ft... and it's made of GLASS
The Zhangjiajie skywalk is set to open in July hovering over a 980 ft drop
If you are terrified of heights you would be advised to stay well away from
China's latest attraction.

The Zhangjiajie Grand Canyon skywalk will hover over a nail-biting 980 ft
drop and is set to smash records to be the world's longest and highest
glass-bottomed bridge.

The dizzying footbridge, which spans between two cliffs in the national
park of Zhangjiajie, will be open to brave tourists in July.

If you have vertigo look away! The world's highest and longest
glass-bottomed bridge is set to open in China in July

The dizzying walkway is suspended between two cliffs in the Zhangjiajie
Grand Canyon area with unbeatable views of the national park

There are even plans to hold fashions shows along the sky-high pathway,
which has unbeatable views of the national park that was the inspiration
for the planet Pandora in the movie Avatar.

Israeli architect Haim Dotan was behind the ambitious venture, which will
easily dwarf America's Grand Canyon Skywalk which sits 718ft above ground
measuring 68ft long.

Israeli architect Haim Dotan was behind the ambitious venture, which will
easily dwarf America's Grand Canyon Skywalk

The terrifying platform is no quick stroll, stretching a whopping 1410ft
above the impressive Hunan province scenery

Sky high fashion! There are plans to hold fashion shows along the bridge
set against the picturesque Zhangjiajie backdrop

Visitors will be able to marvel at the stunning Zhangjiajie national park
landscape, which boasts over 3,000 sandstone pillars, and was the
inspiration for James Cameron's 2009 movie, Avatar

For tourists who catch the adrenaline bug from completing the transparent
walkway, there will also be the opportunity to try the world's highest
bungee jump.

This record-breaking bungee will snatch the title from Macau Tower's
764ft-high attraction.

Last month a similarly scary walkway opened in south-west China in
Chongqing, which extended 87.5ft from the edge of a cliff.

Visitors are suspended in the air with 2,350ft of valley below their feet,
leaving them feel as though they are walking on air.

Located in the Longgang National Geological Park, the bridge has been named
Yuanduan, meaning ‘at the end of the clouds'

With jaw-dropping panoramic views from its observation deck, it is the
longest cantilever bridge in the world

The park is limiting it to just 30 people at a time to ensure visitors have
plenty of room to enjoy the view

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World's Craziest Police Cars
 Click here

There have been some outrageous police vehicles through the years. Here are
a few, from around the world.
UK   Arial Atom PL1

Aside from the obvious shortcomings, no roof, nowhere to safely restrain a
person of interest, the space frame Atom makes a pretty handy pursuit
vehicle, thanks to a 220kW Honda four-cylinder engine attached to its
flyweight 600kg frame. Police forces in the UK used the British built
sportster as a community engagement car.

USA  Dodge Daytona Jet Car

The Dodge Daytona pictured here tours the USA's provincial drag strips
under the control of former law enforcement officer Mike Hojnacki, and is
powered by a small Pratt and Whitney jet engine, that makes a handy 2000kg
of thrust to push it to speeds in excess of 430kph.

New Zealand New Holland Tractor

The New Holland Tractor, a farm implement, that's set to plough through
crime in New Zealand's southern district. With a top speed of 40kph, and
weighing more than four tonnes, a fit cyclist could easily get away from
the New Holland tractor, but it's designed to help shut the gate on rural
crime.

USA  Toyota Camry NASCAR

This cop-liveried Toyota ran at the Texas 500 a couple of years ago, as a
tribute to officers killed in the line of duty for the Dallas Police
Department. If it were ever let loose on the street, it would have done an
admirable job of pursuing crims, thanks to a 475kW V8 under the hood. Of
course, once the perps stopped turning right, the chase would be all over.

Sweden - Nissan GT-R

Now this is an unusual one, while this potent Nissan GT-R looks for all the
world like a proper police car, that might patrol the streets of Stockholm,
it's actually a mock-up. Now while such a stunt would usually land you in
serious trouble with the constabulary, in this case the GT-R was mocked up
by its owner, for a kid's charity day event, and the Stockholm police
authorities gave it their blessing.

Japan  Nissan Skyline GT-R

The Japanese cops are not above very sneaky tactics to tackle poor driver
behaviour, they have even got 10-year-old Toyota Crowns with livery still
in active duty around Tokyo. The Nissan Skyline GT-R has long been a
favourite with Japan's police forces, and the last generation R34 GT-R is
no exception. A 320kW twin-turbo six-potter, and all-wheel drive certainly
don't hurt.

China - Zijing Qingyuan Armoured Spherical Cabin Electric Patrol Vehicle

This police-pack oddity is designed to give riot officers a 360-degree view
of the action. From the looks of the vehicle it's attached to, one hopes
the riot police can run quickly, because they will no doubt be quicker.

Australia  Holden Commodore VF V8 Supercar

Queensland race driver Jonathan Webb, took to mocking up a version of a NSW
Police Force highway patrol car, to kick off his new season in the V8
Supercar championship. Designed to highlight 40km/h school speed zones, the
livery brings to mind the reason why legendary racer Peter Brock used 05
throughout his career. It started as a sponsorship deal with the Victorian
Police Force, to promote the then-new 0.05 blood alcohol limit, being
enforced in the state.

UK  Ford RS200, and Focus RS

The mid-engined RS200 was a World Rally Championship refugee from the
1980s, and it joined the UK plod for a brief period in 1986, as a publicity
stunt. Exactly 30 years later, Ford UK recreated the iconic picture of the
original RS200 pulling up a Sierra Cosworth, adding in the new Focus RS
instead.

The RS would make a pretty awesome police car, but a lack of an automatic
transmission will cruel its chances, particularly in heavy traffic.

Dubai  Ferrari FF

In truth, picking just one police car from the world-renowned Dubai Police
Force's jaw-dropping collection is virtually impossible. However, the most
practical, is the Ferrari FF is a V12-powered all-wheel drive, shooting
brake that redefines the notion of pursuit vehicle. Unlike the force's
Bugatti Veyron, for example, the FF can carry two police officers, plus
persons of interest, equipment in the boot, and still travel at speeds of
up to 330kph. Handy little beast.

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Death Metal - Famous Fatalities on Four Wheels
 Click here

If you thought Death Metal was the sole preserve of thought-provoking bands
like Slayer, Immolation, and the ever-popular Cannibal Corpse, think again.
While they just sing about death, other famous people get on with the job
of doing the real thing in cars.

Here's a list of 10 famous people, who drew their last breath, courtesy of
a motor vehicle's interaction with a solid object.

1 - General George S. Patton Jr.

Conspiracy theorists gather around. The 1945 death of Old Blood and Guts
General George S Patton, was the result of a crash between his 1939
Cadillac Model 75, and a troop truck in Manheim, Germany. The fearsome WW2
commander died 12 days after the incident, when he was thought to be
recovering from his injuries, and on the verge of flying home. However,
some believe the whole thing was staged by the CIA, to give Russian agents
the opportunity to poison Patton. Patton hit his head on the rear partition
window, a result of not having seatbelts.

2 - James Dean

In late 1955, James Dean, at 24, one of Hollywood's hottest young actors,
was driving his recently purchased Porsche 550 Spyder, to a weekend race
meeting in Salinas, just south of San Jose, California. A high speed
collision with a 1950 Ford Custom Tudor coupe (like the one below), driven
by 23-year old student Donald Turnupseed, killed Dean almost instantly.

3 - Jackson Pollock

In 1973, the Whitlam federal government authorised the Australian National
Gallery's purchase of Jackson Pollock's painting Blue Poles for $1.3
million. Screams of outrage could be heard across the country. Current
estimates value the American abstract expressionist's controversial work at
between $20 million and $100 million. Sadly, Pollock died in 1956, when he
drunkenly drove his Oldsmobile Super 88 Convertible Coupe, into a tree in
New York. From an era where a padded dash was an optional safety feature.

4 - Jayne Mansfield

The 1967 death of Hollywood blonde bombshell Jayne Mansfield, at just 34
years of age, led to significant road safety improvements. Mansfield was
one of three adults killed instantly, when the 1966 Buick Electra she was
travelling in, ran under the rear of a semi-trailer. The crash led to
development of the Rear Underrun Protection System (RUPS), a low,
horizontal section at the rear end of a truck trailer, still often referred
to as The Mansfield Bar. Low body-line and weaker '60s A pillars, not a
great formula for running into the back of a truck.

5 - Marc Bolan

Marc Bolan was the Harry Styles of the 1970s, without the boy band bit. The
29-year old British pop superstar was killed instantly in 1977, when the
1275GT Mini he was a passenger in, driven by his girlfriend, Gloria Jones,
crashed into a steel-reinforced fence, in south-west London. Millions of
teenage hearts were immediately broken. The 1275GT was once Mini's flagship
variant.

6 - Princess Grace Kelly

The fairytale marriage of film star Grace Kelly to Prince Rainier III,
sovereign of the principality of Monaco, ended in sad circ*mstances. In
1982, after allegedly suffering a stroke behind the wheel, she was killed
after her Rover 3500 crashed over the edge of a steep, winding road above
Monaco, and fell down a 40 metre mountainside. A car was not known for
reliability or safety.

7 - Diana Princess of Wales

In arguably the highest profile death metal incident of all time, Diana
Princess of Wales died in a Paris road tunnel in 1997, when the Mercedes
S280 she was travelling in with boyfriend Dodi Fayed, crashed into a
support pylon. Pursued by paparazzi photographers, and being chauffeured by
Henri Paul, an allegedly drug and alcohol-affected driver, many believe she
and Fayed may have survived, if they had been wearing seatbelts.

8 - Linda Lovelace

The internet is like a giant electronic library allowing access to all the
information in the world, and pornography. But pre-web, the 1972 film Deep
Throat stood as cinematic porn icon. It's star, Linda Lovelace (real name
Linda Boreman), later became an avid anti-porn campaigner, and died in 2002
from injuries suffered, when she crashed her 1995 Kia Sportage in Denver,
Colorado.

9 - Ryan Dunn

Kind of ironic, or entirely predictable, when the chief stunt-style
prankster with the Jackass franchise, dies in a high-speed car crash. In
2011, the 34-year old crashed his Porsche 911 GT3 through a guardrail, and
into a car-tree-fireball, in Pennsylvania, USA. He had a blood alcohol
level of 0.196. Turning one of these into a fireball, would require quite
some speed.

10 - Paul Walker

The Fast and the Furious franchise continues to power ahead, despite the
2013 death of one of its key players, Paul Walker. The 40-year old Walker
was at a Los Angeles event for his own Reach Out Worldwide charity, when he
took a ride with friend Roger Rodas in the latter's Porsche Carrera GT. It
ended in a fatal fireball crash.

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A SOMEWHAT DIFFERENT SLANT
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here

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A Dog and His Boy
 Click here

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German Quality.
 Click here Click here

Everyone knows that in advertising the competition is very fierce; so the
Germans came up with an ad for German autos...

The French auto makers: Citroen, Renault, and Peugeot soon replied with
their own add campaign!

Here it is!

Have a nice day.

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Jesus was an Indian
 Click here

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XXX Hazards of installing a kitchen shredder! XXX
 Click here

I wonder if the Doctor or the Engineer is as clever as this humble
handyman?

A handyman's job.

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The year 2016 in review
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here

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XXX Gentlemens' Special Interest Group - Where the f***  XXX
 Click here

As described, gentleman's special interest group. I have watched this
numerous times, and can't fathom out how she does it. I'll have to try a
few more times.

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XXX Cat humour XXX
 Click here

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WHAT ELSE NEED BE SAID?
 Click here

Blame...    NOT! NOT! NOT!  RESPONSIBLE!

BLAME

How the  world works lately...

If a man cuts his finger off while slicing  salami at  work,
he blames  the  restaurant.

If you smoke 3 packs a day
for 40 years & die of lung cancer,
your family blames the  tobacco  company.

If your neighbour crashes
Into  a tree while driving home drunk,
He blames the  bartender.

If your  grandchildren are
Brats without  manners,
You blame television.

If your friend is shot by a
Deranged madman,
You blame the gun manufacturer  .

And if a crazed person breaks
Into  the  c*ckpit  and
Tries  to kill  the pilot  at 35,000 feet,
And  the passengers
Kill him   instead,
The mother of the  crazed deceased blames the airline

I must have lived too long to
understand the world as it is anymore.

So, if I die while my  OLD WRINKLED AR*E is parked  in  front of this
computer ,
I want all of you to
Blame  Bill  Gates .

Have a  nice  day!

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XXX Wrong Phone XXX
 Click here

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Links & Photos
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here

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Dogs
 Click here
Something nice to start the Day

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Typical day driving in China [graphic]
 Click here

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*Air Traffic Control, Far North Queensland style*

You got to love this one even if you've never lived in the Far North of
Queensland.

Some of you, especially if you're a pilot, will enjoy this more than
others. Queenslanders can be so polite.

Cairns Tower : "Saudi Air 511 -- You are cleared to land on runway 9R."

Saudi Air : "Thank you Cairns . Acknowledge cleared to land on infidel's
runway 9R - Allah be Praised."

Cairns Tower : " Iran Air 711 - You are cleared to land on runway 27L."

Iran Air : "Thank you Cairns . We are cleared to land on infidel's runway
27L. - Allah is Great."

A few seconds pass and then an excited voice.

Saudi Air : "CAIRNS TOWER - CAIRNS TOWER!"

Cairns Tower : "Go ahead Saudi Air 511"

Saudi Air : "YOU HAVE CLEARED BOTH OUR AIRCRAFT FOR THE SAME RUNWAY GOING
IN OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS. WE ARE ON A COLLISION COURSE ..
INSTRUCTIONS, PLEASE!"

Cairns Tower : "Well bugger me, so you are. Proceed to your destination and
tell Allah we said "gday!".

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[ End friday humour ]

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