Friday humour - May 19, 2017

(From Haz@bluehaze)

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From: Duke of Barsinov

Subject Bagpipes Time is like a river. You cannot touch the water twice, 
because the flow that has passed will never pass again. Enjoy every 
moment of life. As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by 
a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He 
had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's 
cemetery in the New South Wales back country. As I was not familiar with 
the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for 
directions.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently 
gone and the hear*e was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers 
and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to 
the men for being late.

I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was 
already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played 
out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played 
like I've never played before for this homeless man. And as I played 
"Amazing Grace", the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all 
wept together. When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for 
my car. Though my head was hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never 
seen anything like that before, and I've been putting in septic tanks 
for twenty years."

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From: Haz

Glass takes one million years to decompose, which means it never wears out
and can be recycled an infinite amount of 
times!

Gold is the only metal that doesn't rust, even if it's buried in the 
ground for thousands of years.

Your tongue is the only muscle in your body that is attached at only one 
end.

If you stop getting thirsty , you need to drink more water.
When a human body is dehydrated, its thirst mechanism shuts off.

Zero is the only number that cannot be represented by Roman numerals.

Kites were used in the American Civil War to deliver letters and 
newspapers.

The song Auld Lang Syne is sung at the stroke of midnight in almost every
English-speaking country in the world to bring in the new 
year.

Drinking water after eating
reduces the acid in your mouth by 61 percent. Drinking a glass of water
before you eat may help digestion and curb appetite.

Peanut oil is used for cooking in submarines because it doesn't smoke 
unless it's heated above 450F.

The roar that we hear when we place a seashell next to our ear is not 
the ocean, but rather the sound of blood surging through the veins in 
the ear.

Nine out of every 10 living things live in the ocean.

The banana cannot reproduce itself. It can be propagated only by the 
hand of man.

Airports at higher altitudes require a longer airstrip due to lower air 
density.

The University of Alaska spans four time zones.

The tooth is the only part of the human body that cannot heal itself.

In ancient Greece , tossing an apple to a girl was a traditional 
proposal of marriage.  Catching it meant she accepted.

Warner Communications paid 28 million for the copyright to the song 
Happy Birthday, which was written in 1935!

Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.

A comet's tail always points away from the sun.

The Swine Flu vaccine in 1976 caused more death and illness than the 
disease it was intended to prevent.

Caffeine increases the power of aspirin and other painkillers,
that is why it is found in some medicines.

The military salute is a motion that evolved from medieval times,
when knights in armor raised their visors to reveal their identity.

If you get into the bottom of a well or a tall chimney and look up,
you can see stars, even in the middle of the day.

When a person dies, hearing is the last sense to go. The first sense 
lost is sight.

In ancient times strangers shook hands to show that they were unarmed.

Strawberries and cashews are the only fruits whose seeds grow on the 
outside.

Avocados have the highest calories of any fruit at 167 calories per 
hundred grams.

The moon moves about two inches away from the Earth each year.

The Earth gets 100 tons heavier every day due to falling space dust.

Due to earth's gravity it is impossible for mountains to be higher than 
15,000 meters.

Mickey Mouse is known as "Topolino" in Italy.

Soldiers do not march in step when going across bridges because they 
could set up a vibration which could be sufficient to knock the bridge 
down.

Everything weighs one percent less at the equator.

For every extra kilogram carried on a space flight, 530 kg of excess 
fuel are needed at lift-off.

The letter J does not appear anywhere on the periodic table of the 
elements.

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From: Haz  

A frustrated husband in front of his laptop :
Dear google, please do not behave like my wife...
Please allow me to complete my sentence before you start guessing & 
suggesting.

A married man's prayer: Dear God, You gave me childhood, You took it 
away
You gave me youth, You took it away.
You gave me a wife ... Its been years now, just reminding You.

Employee : Sir, You are like a lion in the office! What about at home???
Boss : I am a lion at home too, but there we have a lion tamer !!!

A blonde holding a baby walks into a drug store and asks the clerk if 
she can use the store's baby scale.
"Sorry, ma'am," says the clerk. "Our baby scale is broken. But we can 
figure the baby's weight if we weigh mother and baby together on the adult
scale, and then weigh the mother alone, 
and subtract the second number from the first."
"Oh, that won't work," says the blonde.
"Why not?" asks the clerk.
"Because," she answers, "I'm not the mother - I'm the aunt."

The importance of accuracy in your tax return!
The ATO has returned the Tax Return to a man in Townsville regarding how 
he answered one of the questions.
In response to the question, "Do you have anyone dependent on you?"
The man wrote: "2.1 million illegal immigrants, 1.1 million crack heads, 
4.4 million unemployable scroungers,
80,000 criminals in prisons plus 450 idiots in Parliament, thousands of 
'retired politicians' and an entire group that call themselves 'Senators'."
The ATO stated that the response he gave was "unacceptable".
The man's response back to ATO was, "Who did I leave out?

The easy answer is Public Servants!

An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each 
other for a long time.
Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get 
married.
Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation 
regarding how their marriage might work.
They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.
Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of 
their physical relationship.
'How do you feel about s*x?' he asked, rather tentatively.
'I would like it infrequently,' she replied.
The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, leaned 
over towards her and whispered -
'Is that one word or two?'

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From: Haz

A father texts his son:
"My Dear Son,
"Today is a day you will treasure for all the days of your life.
"My best love and good wishes.
"Your Father."
His Son texts back:
"Thanks Dad. But the wedding isn't actually until tomorrow!"
His Father replies:
"I know."

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From: Haz

During meditation, a monk asks his master Master. If a man shaves his 
bottom, is he gay?

His master thought for a moment and replied: A man who cleans his house, 
clearly expects a visitor!!

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From: KRP
 Click here

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From: KRP

This is what happens without guardrail;
 Click here

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From: Sack

The Government is a lot like Mensa: if you make the simplest program, or 
decision complicated enough, People assume that it is viable, valuable, 
and significant.

We know that just isn=E2=80=99t true, and simple Logic Baffles Brains

Once, years ago, there was a Mensa Convention in San Francisco.

(Mensa, as you know, is a national organization for people who have an 
IQ of 140 or higher.)

Several of the Mensa members went out for lunch at a local caf=C3=A9. 
When they sat down, 1 of them discovered that the salt shaker contained 
pepper & the pepper shaker was full of salt.

How could they swap the contents of the 2 bottles without spilling any & 
using only the implements at hand? Clearly this was a job for Mensa 
minds.

The group debated the problem, presented ideas & finally came up with a 
brilliant solution involving a napkin, a straw & an empty saucer.

They called the waitress over, ready to dazzle her with their solution. 
"Miss", they said," We couldn't help but notice that the pepper shaker 
contains salt & the salt shaker - " but before they could finish, the 
waitress interrupted, "Oh! sorry about that".

She leaned over the table, unscrewed the caps of both bottles & switched 
them.

There was dead silence at the Mensa table.

Kinda reminds ya of the government, doesn't it.

Don't confuse IQ and education with common sense

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From: Sack

I ain't much for shopping,
Or for goin' into town
Except at cattle-shipping time,
I ain't too easily found.

But the day came when I had to go -
I left the kids with Ma.
But 'fore I left, she asked me,
'Would you pick me up a bra?'

So without thinkin' I said, 'Sure,'
How tough could that job be?
An' I bent down and kissed her
An' said, 'I'll be back by three.'

Well, I done the things I needed,
But I started to regret
Ever offering to buy that thing -
I worked me up a sweat

I walked into the ladies shop
My hat pulled over my eyes,
I didn't want to take a chance
On bein' recognized.

I walked up to the sales clerk -
I didn't hem or haw -
I told that lady right straight out,
'I'm here to buy a bra.'

=46rom behind I heard some snickers,
So I turned around to see
Every woman in that store
Was a'gawkin' right at me!

'What kind would you be looking for?'
Well, I just scratched my head.
I'd only seen one kind before,
'Thought bras was bras,' I said.

She gave me a disgusted look,
'Well sir, that's where you're wrong.
Follow me,' I heard her say,
Like a dog, I tagged along.

She took me down this alley
Where bras was on display.
I thought my jaw would hit the floor
When I saw that lingerie.

They had all these different styles
That I'd never seen before
I thought I'd go plumb crazy
'fore I left that women's store.

They had bras you wear for eighteen hours
And bras that cross your heart.
There was bras that lift and separate,
And that was just the start.

They had bras that made you feel
Like you ain't wearing one at all,
And bras that you can train in
When you start off when you're small.

Well, I finally made my mind up -
Picked a black and lacy one -
I told the lady, 'Bag it up,'
And figured I was done.

But then she asked me for the size
I didn't hesitate
I knew that measurement by heart,
'A six-and-seven-eighths.'

'Six and seven eighths you say?
That really isn't right.'
'Oh, yes ma'am! I'm real positive -
I measured them last night!'

I thought that she'd go into shock,
Musta took her by surprise
When I told her that my wife's bust
Was the same as my hat size.

'That's what I used to measure with,
I figured it was fair,
But if I'm wrong, I'm sorry ma'am.'
This drew another stare.

By now a crowd had gathered
And they all was crackin' up
When the lady asked to see my hat,
To measure for the cup.

When she finally had it figured,
I gave the gal her pay.
Then I turned to leave the store,
Tipped my hat and said, 'Good day.'

My wife had heard the story
'fore I ever made it home.
She'd talked to fifteen women
Who called her on the phone.

She was still a-laughin'
But by then I didn't care.
Now she don't ask and I don't shop
For women's underwear.

~ Author Unknown ~

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From: Sack

Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old 
is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited 
about aging that you think in fractions.

'How old are you?' 'I'm four and a half!' You're never thirty-six and a 
half. You're four and a half, going on five! That's the key

You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the 
next number, or even a few ahead.

'How old are you?' 'I'm gonna be 16!' You could be 13, but hey, you're 
gonna be 16! And then the greatest day of your life. You become 21. Even 
the words sound like a ceremony. YOU BECOME 21. YESSSS!!!

But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like 
bad milk! He TURNED; we had to throw him out. There's no fun now, you're 
Just a sour-dumpling. What's wrong? What's changed?

You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40. Whoa! Put on the 
brakes, it's all slipping away. Before you know it, you REACH 50 and 
your dreams are gone.

But wait!!! You MAKE it to 60. You didn't think you would!

So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60.

You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a 
day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday!

You get into your 80's and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch; 
you TURN 4:30; you REACH bedtime. And it doesn't end there. Into the 
90s, you start going backwards; 'I Was JUST 92.'

Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a 
little kid again. 'I'm 100 and a half!'

May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!

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From: Seasoldier

4 worms in a church
\\

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his

Sunday sermon.
Four worms were placed into four separate jars.
The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a container of chocolate  syrup.
The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.
At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following 
results:

The first worm in alcohol . . . . ..  Dead.

The  second worm in cigarette smoke . . Dead!

Third worm in chocolate syrup . . . Dead!.

Fourth worm in good clean soil . . Alive?!

So the Minister asked the congregation,
"So, my friends? What did you learn from this demonstration?"

Maxine, sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said . .

"As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"
That pretty much ended the service!

Today is International Disturbed People's Day.

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From: Whizzbang

Hot and Cold S*x

After his exam the doctor asked the elderly man: "You appear to be in good
health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?"

"In fact, I do," said the old man. "After I have s*x with my wife, I am
usually cold and chilly, and then, after I have s*x with her the second
time, I am usually hot and sweaty.

" Later, after examining the man's elderly wife, the doctor said:
"Everything appears To be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you
would like to discuss with me?"

She replied that she had no questions or concerns. The doctor then said to
her: "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually
cold and chilly after having s*x with you the first time, and then hot and
sweaty after the second time. Do you know why?

"* "Oh that crazy old fart," she replied. "That's because the first time is
usually in January and the second time is in August."

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From: Whizzbang

He's the Melbourne man with a name so unfortunate that no one believes him.
 Click here

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From: Whizzbang

Philosopher's Comments.... My kind of Humour

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him 
keep her.
David Copperfield

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just
can't face each other, but still they stay together.
Sasha Guitry

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy.
If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
Socrates

Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
Zuma

The great question, which I have not been able to answer... is, "What 
does a woman want?"
Dumas

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
Sigmund Freud

'Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to 
a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music 
and dancing.

She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays'
Red Skelton

'There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic 
banking. It's called marriage.'
Sam Kinison

'I've had bad luck with both my wives
The first one left me, and the second one didn't.'
James Holt McGavra

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming.
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.
Patrick Murray

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it 
once...
Nash

You know what I did before I married?
Anything I wanted to.
Naas Botha

My wife and I were happy for twenty years.
Then we met.
Henny Youngman

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
Rodney Dangerfield

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: 'Wife wanted'. Next day he 
received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing: 'You can have mine.'
Pik Botha

First Guy (proudly): 'My wife's an angel!'
Second Guy : 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.'
The Guy next door

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From: Haz

Kim Jong Un
 Click here 


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From: Haz

Fly United
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

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From: Haz

Target Practice
 Click here 

NEVER QUESTION THE SHOOTER UNTIL THE EAR PROTECTION COMES OFF !

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From: Haz

Plan G - Nursing Home Plan

Say you are an older senior citizen and can no longer take care of 
yourself and the Government says there is no Nursing Home care available 
for you. So, what do you do ? You opt for "Medicare Plan G".

The plan gives anyone 75 or older a gun (Plan G) and one bullet. You are 
allowed to shoot one worthless politician.
This means you will be sent to prison for the rest of your life where 
you will receive three meals a day, a roof over your head,
central heating and air conditioning, cable TV, a library, and all the 
Health Care you need. Need new teeth ? No problem.
Need glasses ? That's great. Need a hearing aid, new hip, knees, kidney, 
lungs, s*x change, or heart ? They are all covered !!

As an added bonus, your kids can come and visit you at least as often as 
they do now !!  And, who will be paying for all of this ?
The same Government that just told you they can't afford for you to go 
into a Nursing Home.  And you will get rid of a useless politician while
you are at it. And now, because you are a prisoner, you 
don't have to pay any more income taxes !! Is this a great country or 
what ?

Now that I've solved your senior financial plan, enjoy the rest of your 
week.

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From: Haz
Tax Office Pencil Sharpener
 Click here 


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From: Haz
My camper's bigger than yours !!! ...
 Click here 


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From: Haz

Please pass me my radiator is overheating
 Click here 


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From: Haz

Book Report-funny!!!

Students at a local school were assigned to read 2 books, 'Titanic' and 
'My Life' by Bill Clinton.
One student turned in the following book report, with the proposition 
that they were nearly identical stories!
His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report.

Titanic: Cost - $29.99
Clinton : Cost - $29.99

Titanic: Over 3 hours to read
Clinton : Over 3 hours to read

Titanic: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and 
subsequent catastrophe.
Clinton : The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and 
subsequent catastrophe.

Titanic: Jack is a starving artist.
Clinton : Bill is a bullsh*t artist.

Titanic: In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Clinton : Ditto for Bill

Titanic: During the ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
Clinton : Ditto for Monica.

Titanic: Jack teaches Rose to spit.
Clinton : Let's not go there.

Titanic: Rose gets to keep her jewellery.
Clinton : Monica is forced to return her gifts.

Titanic: Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
Clinton : Clinton doesn't remember anything..

Titanic: Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
Clinton : Monica.. Ooh, let's not go there, either.

Titanic: Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Clinton : Bill goes home to Hillary - basically the same thing

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From: Haz
Bogged SUV
 Click here Click here

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From: Haz
Great Male Logic
 Click here 


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From: Haz
Tokyo Express
 Click here 


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From: Haz
Old Girl Friend? [XXX]
 Click here 


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From: KRP

Who Needs A Wheelbarrow?
 Click here 


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From: Sack

MERCEDES BENZ FACTORY
 Click here 


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From: Sack

Fly The Friendly Skies
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here 


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From: Sack

New service medal for pollies and senior bureaucrats.
 Click here 


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From: Sack

Replacement for golf on a rainy day.
 Click here 


Here's a good replacement for Golf on a rainy day and if you don't play 
golf this may encourage to take up the sport.

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From: Seasoldier

Memories.
 Click here 


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From: Seasoldier

Women Make Better Assassins

The CIA had an opening for an assassin.

After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there
were three finalists, two men and a woman.

For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal 
door and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the
circ*mstances.  Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a 
chair.  Kill her."

The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."

The agent said, "Then you are not the right man for this job. Take your 
wife and go home."

The second man was given the same instructions.   He took the gun and 
went into the room.

All was quiet for about five minutes. The man came out with tears in his
eyes . "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."

The agent said, "You don't have what it takes, so take your wife and go
home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions to
kill her husband.   She took the gun and went into the room.

Shots were heard, one after another, then screaming, crashing, and 
banging on the walls.

After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there 
stood the woman, wiping sweat from her brow.

"The gun was loaded with blanks," she said.  "I had to kill him with the
chair."

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From: Seasoldier

It might be a hole Juan butt! It's not golf
 Click here 


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From: Wally

Naked Joke of the Week [XXX]
 Click here 


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From: Wally

Before & After Street Art
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

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From: Wally

I just Pass 'em On

Bloke at a horse race whispers to Paddy next to him,

"Do you want the winner of the next race?"
Paddy replies "No tanks, oi've only got a small yard."

Paddy and Mick found 3 hand grenades and decided to take them to the 
police station.
Mick "What if one explodes before we get there?"
Paddy: "We'll lie and say we only found two!"

A coach load of paddies on a mystery tour decided to run a sweepstake to 
guess where they were going.....
the driver won =C3=82=C2=A352!

Paddy finds a sandwich with two wires stickin out of it.
He phones the police and says "Bejasus I've just found a sandwich dat 
looks like a bomb."
The operator asks, "is it tickin?
Paddy says "No, oi tink it's beef"

Joe says to Paddy: "Close your curtains the next time you're making love 
to your wife.
The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday."
Paddy says: "Well the joke's on them because I wasn't even at home 
yesterday."

Mick walks into Paddy's barn and catches him dancing naked in front of a 
tractor.
Mick says, "Oi Paddy, what ya doing?"
Paddy says, "Well me and Mary haven't been getting on in the bedroom 
lately & the therapist recommended I do something s*xy to a tractor."

The Irish have solved their own fuel problems.
They imported 50 million tonnes of sand from the Arabs and they're going 
to drill for their own oil...

Paddy says to Mick - I'm ready for a holiday, only this year I'm going 
to do it a bit different.
3 years ago I went to Spain and Mary got pregnant.
2 years ago I went to Italy and Mary got pregnant.
Last year I went to Majorca and Mary got pregnant."
Mick asks - So what are you going to do this year?."
Paddy replies, - I'll take her with me!"

Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on a Friday this year"
Mick says "Let's hope it's not the 13th."

Paddy's in the bathroom and Murphy shouts to him. "Did you find the 
shampoo?"
Paddy says, "Oi did, but it's for dry hair and I've just wet mine."

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From: Wally

Links & Photos
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

Bad Pikachu (When you gotta go, you gotta go)

Kenneth Dienst (Donkey of the Day)

Rural or Urban (Kathy doesn t have a clue)

Mummy Long Legs (Caroline Arthur)

Can North Korea Sink a US Carrier? (Short Answer =C3=A2=E2=82=AC=E2=80=9C 
No)

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From: Wally

Accident
 Click here 


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From: Wally

Which one is the Blonde ?
 Click here Click here

  WRONG ITS ....... The one lifting the wrong leg.................

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From: Wally

Taxi to Family Gathering
 Click here 


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From: Wally

Only in Florida
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

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From: Whizzbang

It's only hair
 Click here

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From: Whizzbang

Police Business
 Click here 


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[ End friday humour ]

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