Friday humour - May 05, 2017

 From Burnout @ Bluehaze:

From: Anonymous3
Subject: Dog Wisdom
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Subject: Man Saves Owl Wrapped In Fishing Line

This video shows Craig Loving saving a Great Horned Owl near the 1st Tee
Box.. Lost Creek Country Club cares about Wildlife, and we are so thankful
this owl was saved! Great job, Craig!
 Click here

Subject: Just plain interesting...
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From: Haz
Subject: A suspicious looking couple.

The flight attendant sees a suspicious looking couple on-board, so she
reports it to the Captain immediately.

“Sir, I think we have a case of human trafficking! There is a very
pretty, hot and s*xy, female passenger on-board, who looks quite frightened
and the man she is with is a fat old slob who looks like a lecher, very
sullen, mean and dangerous!”

The captain responds, “Patricia, I’ve told you this before.  This is
Air Force One ”

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From: Sack
Subject:  Rye Bread

Two old ad guys, one 70 and one 75, were sitting on a park bench one
morning.
The 75-year-old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of
breath.
The 70-year-old was amazed at the guy's stamina and asked him what he did
to have so much energy.
The 75-year-old said, "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your
energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."
So, on the way home the 70-year-old stopped at the bakery.
As he was looking around, the sales lady asked if he needed any help.
He said, "Do you have any rye bread?"
She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"
He said, "I want five loaves."
She said, "My goodness, five loaves! By the time you get to the 3rd loaf,
it'll be hard."
He replied, "I can't believe everybody knows about this s##t but me.

Subject: Facebook bans God
 Click here

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From: Seasoldier
Subject: SMART ASS

One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously
for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do.

Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered
up anyway;
it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.

He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They all grabbed a
shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey
realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's
amazement he quieted down.

A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well. He was
astonished at what he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the
donkey was doing something amazing.
he would shake it off and take a step up.

As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he
would shake it off and take a step up.

Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of
the well and happily trotted off!

Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to
getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our
troubles is a steppingstone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by
not stopping,
never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.

Remember the five simple rules to be happy:

Free your heart from hatred - Forgive.

Free your mind from worries   - Most never happen.

Live simply and appreciate what you have.

Give more.

Expect less.

NOW...

Enough of that cr*p . . . The donkey later came back and bit the farmer who
had tried to bury him.
The gash from the bite got infected and the farmer eventually died in agony
from septic shock..

MORAL FROM TODAY'S LESSON:

When you do something wrong,
and try to cover your ass,
it always comes back to bite you .

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From: Seasoldier
Subject: The second opinion

While in China , an Australian man is very s*xually promiscuous and does
not use a condom the entire time he is there.

A week after arriving back home in Melbourne, he wakes one morning to find
his penis covered with bright green and purple spots.

Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor.

The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests
and tells the man to return in two days for the results.

The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says,

"I've got bad news, you have contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and
almost unheard of here in this country, we know very little about it."

The man looks a little perplexed and says,

"Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc."

The doctor answers,

"I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We are going to have to amputate your
penis."

The man screams in horror,

"Absolutely not! I want a second opinion!"

The doctor replies,

" It is your choice Go ahead if you want , but surgery is your only
option."

The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor in Little Bourke Street,
figuring that he'll know more about the disease.

The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims,

"Ah, yes, Mongolian VD.  Vewy ware disease."

The guy says to the doctor,

"Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can we do? My local GP wants to
cut off my penis!"

The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs.

"Stupid local docttah, always want opawate. Make more money dat way. No
need amputate!"

"Oh, thank God!" the man exclaims.

"Yes," says the Chinese doctor. "Wait two week. Fall off by itself!"

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From: Wally
Subject: Birthday Song

It plays the song that was Number One on the day you were born, and, if
there is a video available with the artist, it will play it for you.
 Click here

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From: Whizzbang
Subject: Ballpoint pen

**Ballpoint pen**
When NASA started sending astronauts into space, they quickly discovered
that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity.
To combat this problem, Congress approved a program, and NASA scientists
spent a decade and over $165 million, developing a pen that writes in zero
gravity, upside down, on almost any surface and at temperatures ranging
from below freezing to over 300 degrees C.
The Russians used a pencil .  . .

Subject:  Civilization in 2017

*This is called The scary future’.....*

This describes the 2017 generation to a  T.

*ModernCivilization in 2017- this is priceless!!!****WELCOME***to 2017

**Our Phones**- Wireless

**Cooking**- Fireless

**Cars**- Keyless

**Food**- Fatless

**Tires**-Tubeless

**Dress**- Sleeveless

�**Youth**-  Jobless

**Leaders**- Shameless

**Relationships**- Meaningless

*Attitudes *- Careless

**Babies**- Fatherless

**Feelings**-  Heartless

**Education**- Valueless

**Children**– Mannerless

*We are-*SPEECHLESS,

*Government-*is CLUELESS,

*And our Politicians-*are WORTHLESS!

/*I'm scared - Sh*tless!*/

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From: Anonymous3
Subject: Let's All Get Out More and Enjoy Nature
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Don't just sit in the House; go outside and enjoy nature.

Never mind...just go back inside and watch TV...it is safer at your age!!!

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From: Duke of Barsinov
Subject:German Commercial for beer
 Click here

Subject: Dog's political stand
 Click here

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From: Haz
Subject: Davy Crockett....
 Click here

Subject: Fetch......
 Click here

Has this ever happened to you?

Subject: Fake book covers on the NY subway......
 Click here

Subject: Have a Beer
 Click here

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From: Sack
Subject: Really Smart Stuff
 Click here

Parking garages with green lights to indicate which spaces are
open.  (Now in Ottawa under Lansdowne Park.)
 Click here

Brushes that are much easier to clean.
 Click here

Vending machines that make you fresh pizzas.
 Click here

Water fountains with spouts to fill water bottles, too.  (Now in
Ottawa Municipal  Buildings.)
 Click here

Stoplights that show you how much time is left before they change.
 Click here

These small tiles that you can attach to important items so that
you can always find their location via your phone if lost.
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Public transit that will accept recyclable goods as fare.
 Click here

USB rechargeable batteries.
 Click here

Bike racks that won't actually take up the entire sidewalk.
 Click here

Movie theatres that have screens in the washroom so you don't miss
out on parts of the movie.
 Click here

  Wall outlets with extension cords built into the wall.
 Click here

Nothing will ever be out of reach now!

The technology to charge your phone from the heat or cool given off from
your drink.
 Click here

Expandable and rotatable power strips.
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A pen that can scan any colour and then allow you to write with
it.
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Stairs with built in slides for  quick descent.
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Packing tape with a simple, easy to open strip.
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Mugs that will catch any drips before they reach your table or
desk.
 Click here

A backpack with a built-in hood, for those days where you're
unsuspectingly caught in the rain.
 Click here

Movie theatres with bean bag seats.
 Click here

Which would probably just result in more people falling asleep
during movies, but WHO CARES!
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Benches that you can rotate to always have a dry seat.
 Click here

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From: Sack
Subject: Jaguar fishing
 Click here
A whole new meaning....'just going fishing'

Subject:  SENIOR POETS
 Click here

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From: Seasoldier
Subject:little Saskatchewan humor ......
 Click here

You don't have to be from Saskatchewan to understand the attached photo.
This actually happened. They dressed the truck up with the guy tied down on
the roof.

The driver and passengers put on Moose heads.

Then they went down the Yellowhead Highway, causing 16 accidents.

Yes, they went to jail.....Yes, alcohol was involved.

This proves that men cannot be left alone.

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From: Seasoldier
Subject: Let me know if this comes through - Homeless Golfer
 Click here

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From: Wally
Subject: North Korea
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About 50/50 old and new .... Wally

Photographer Eric Lafforgue has been to North Korea several times, and has
managed to smuggle photos of contemporary life out. North Korea works hard
to control it’s image, as a modern and righteous country. Lafforgues'
shots, however, reveal a strikingly different reality. Here are some
eye-opening photos, showing a land, the rest of the world rarely gets to
see.


North Korean Video (47 minutes - only 4 months old)
 Click here

Subject: Wally's Wacky Weekly (W/E - 30th April)
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Fan Hanging in India
Authorities in Kota, the exam coaching capital of India, have introduced
new regulations, that hopefully will prevent students from committing
suicide, by hanging themselves, from the ceiling fans in their hostel
rooms. The new laws require all fans to have a siren sensor, and a spring
device, that will sound an alarm siren, and lower the ceiling fans, if
anyone over 20kg, tries to hang from it. On current figures, two students a
week commit suicide, using the fans, in Kota.

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   Talented Family

   A circus entertainer set a world record on an Italian game show, by
stopping the blades of a fan with her tongue. Australian daredevil
performer Zoe Ellis, known by her stage name Zoe L'Amore, appeared on
Italy's Lo Show dei Record, to break her own Guinness World record for most
electric fan blades stopped using the tongue in one minute. Ellis held two
35W fans running at the highest speed, and managed to top her previous
record of 20, by sticking her tongue to stop the blades on each fan 16
times, for a new record total of 32. The Ellis' household holds multiple
world records, as Zoe also holds the record for "Most mouse traps released
on the tongue in one minute by a female, and her husband Chayne Hultgren,
a.k.a. "The Space Cowboy," holds records for "Most blow torches
extinguished with the tongue in one minute," "Most swords swallowed
underwater, and Heaviest weight pulled by the eye sockets."

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   Master of the Claw

   Chen Zhitong, from Xiamen, China, is the an absolute master of the claw
machine. Chen has figured out how to work those dreaded coin-operated
fishing games, in shopping arcades, that take the money of mere mortals,
and offer nothing in return, by walking away with toys each and every time.
In fact, Chen won an amazing 15,000 toys last year, much to the chagrin of
arcade owners in the area. When he plays the claw machine, owners are not
happy. Some buy him meals, and beg him not to play their machines. Chen
said to win constantly, you need a keen eye, and a steady hand.

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   King of Fake Cash

   It's no secret that most of the money you see in movies or music videos
is fake, but what might surprise you, is that most of it comes from one
source. Rich Rappaport started RJR Props in 2008, as a full-service prop
shop, but his specialty is fake cash. As you can imagine, making fake money
is a highly regulated endeavour, that is closely watched by federal
authorities, so Rappaport has to be extra careful to ensure his fakes never
make it into circulation. Still, when your prop money is the go-to for rap
videos, and has been featured in over 175 films and shows, so it's pretty
safe to say that your cash is king.

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   Judgmental

   A judge was charged with bribery, after being accused of offering Bud
Light beer and cash to a police officer, in exchange for his wife's text
messages, according to police in North Carolina. Superior Court Judge
Arnold Jones, was found guilty of bribery and other charges, in connection
with the bribery attempt of the police officer. According to the police
investigation, the judge suspected that his wife was cheating, and he
wanted to get his hands on the text messages of her cell-phone. The Wayne
County police officer, reported that the judge offered him Bud Light beer
and $100, to get the text messages. The judge is facing up to 37 years in
prison, and up to $750,000 in fines.

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   Birthday Present

   A woman was found with an unclasped bra, and an open shirt, after
crashing into a police car. Police in Texas, said that a college student
was arrested, while trying to get dressed, after sending topless photos to
her boyfriend, because it was his birthday. Miranda Rader, 19, was driving
in Bryan, Texas, when she rear-ended a police car, that was parked outside
a home, where officers were investigating a disturbance. Police officer
John Sartell said that he heard the crash, and ran to his car, where he
found that Rader's SUV had hit his patrol vehicle. The officer said that he
found Rader with an unclasped bra, and was trying to put her top on.
Sartell asked the teenager why she was topless, and she replied that she
was sending pictures to her boyfriend, while she was waiting at a red
light. During a further search of the car, Sartell found an open bottle of
wine in the centre console. Rader admitted to police that she had been
drinking, before driving.  She was arrested, and charged with driving while
intoxicated with an open container, and for being a minor in possession of
alcohol.

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   That’ll Show Him

   Glenda Blackwell, 28, of North Carolina bought a $10 Carolina Millions
scratch-off ticket, after her husband asked her to buy two Powerball
tickets. Blackwell said she got the Carolina Millions to teach him a
lesson, about wasting money on the lottery. Instead of losing $10,
Blackwell hit the jackpot, winning $1,000,000. "I had to eat my words, but
they were worth eating," she said.

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   Where was the Co-Pilot?

   A British Airways pilot has been suspended, after photos on Facebook,
show him with his pants down, and performing s*x acts while flying. Captain
Colin Glover, 51, of Dublin, Ireland, has been suspended despite denying
the allegations. Glover said that the person in the photos is not him,
because he has a tattoo, of an arrow, on his left shoulder, and no tattoo
can be seen in the photo. One photo shows the pilot naked from the waist
down. His legs were resting on the airplane's controls. The pilot was also
wearing women's stockings. Another photo shows the pilot looking at photos
of naked women. The photos of the naked women obstructed the view of the
dashboard. Two different serial numbers are visible in the photos,
suggesting that the images were taken on two separate flights. A
spokesperson for British Airways said that the allegations against Glover
are extremely serious, and therefore, he was suspended pending the outcome
of the investigation. Glover said he has started proceedings against
British Airways, and Facebook. He also stated that he has no idea how his
name surfaced in connection with the photos. Only one question remains -
Where was the Co-Pilot during all of this?

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   Sheriff arrests Robin Hood

   Robin Seevas, 68, of Shepparton, about 200km north of Melbourne,
Australia, was home in bed, when his wife woke him, and said she could hear
noises downstairs. Seevas, who is a member of the local archery club,
grabbed his bow and arrow, and went down to the kitchen. He saw an intruder
going out the back door, with his wife’s handbag, which contained
money, and the keys to his Nissan X-Trail, and he gave chase. By the time
he got outside, the intruder was in the car, and making his escape.
However, he crashed into the fence, and then fled on foot. Seevas took aim
with his bow and arrow, and shot the intruder in the buttocks, but he kept
running, and was soon lost in the darkness. Seevas then called the police.
Who, when they arrived, made a search for the intruder, but could not
locate him. Detective Inspector Dean Jackson pointed out that Australia had
strict laws against assault -- even an intruder in your house. Seevas then
realized he could be in serious trouble for shooting the intruder, and said
he would ring his lawyer. Detective Jackson said, "At this point in time we
have been given information by the homeowner, police have attempted to
speak to him, but he's maintained his right to silence, until his lawyer
arrives. While bows and arrows are not restricted weapons in Australia. The
man is part of an archery club, and therefore classed as a professional, so
it’s possible Seevas would be charged with shooting the intruder.
Meanwhile, we will be checking hospitals, looking for someone with an arrow
in their buttocks, so we can get their side of events.”

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   World's Coolest City

   Recently, in Dubai, the largest city in the United Arab Emirates, the
Dubai Civil Defense started using water jetpacks that lift firefighters off
the ground, to hover in advantageous positions, as they work the hoses.
Also, using jet skis, rescuers can avoid traffic altogether, by using the
city's rivers to arrive at fires, and, if close enough to a waterway, can
pump water without hydrants. Even more spectacularly, as early as this
summer, Dubai will authorize already tested one-person, Jetsons-type
drones, for ordinary travel in the city. The Ehang 184 model flies about 30
minutes on an electrical charge, carrying up to 220 pounds, at about
100km/h.

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   Human Rights in NZ
   Convicted murderer Philip Smith, a veteran criminal serving life for
killing the father, of a boy Smith had been s*xually abusing, escaped from
prison in New Zealand, with the help of a disguise, that included a toupee
for his bald head, before being caught. Prison officials confiscated the
toupee, but Smith said a shiny head behind bars made him feel belittled,
degraded and humiliated, and sued for the right to keep the toupee. In a
rare case in which a litigant succeeds as his own lawyer, Smith prevailed
in Auckland's High Court, and still has the toupee.

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   Fed Her to the Dog, and Walked

   Brazil’s star soccer goalkeeper Bruno Fernandes, signed a
two-year contract to play for Brazil's Boa Esporte club, while he awaits
the outcome of his appealed conviction, for the 2010 murder of his
girlfriend, who he had also fed her body to his dogs. He had been sentenced
to 22 years in prison, but was released by a judge after seven, based on
the judge's exasperation at the long delays in appeals, in Brazil's
sluggish legal system.

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   Worst Robbery Ever?
   A bungling burglar has become a YouTube sensation, after an epic fail
during a robbery attempt, in New York City. CCTV shows a brazen, unmasked
woman running into a store with a massive rock, in an attempt to steal some
goods. But, there’s a butt. In what could arguably be the biggest
burglary fail of all time, not only does the rock not smash the glass on
the first attempt, her shorts fall down almost around her ankles, at the
same time. As if revealing to camera some seriously pink granny knickers,
and a healthy serve of plumbers crack wasn’t bad enough, she picks
the boulder-sized rock back up, drops it seemingly on her foot, untangles
herself from her bag, picks up the rock again, before smashing the glass on
the counter. After taking only a few small items in her hand, she then
smashes a second counter. She looks set to leave the store, but then
returns for a few more things, but not before dropping goods on the floor.
All while a stunned attendant watches helplessly from the back of the
store.

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   Maybe the Smell will Work?

   The Apenheul primate park in Apeldoorn, Netherlands, is engaged in a
four-year experiment, offering female orangutans an iPad loaded with photos
of male orangutans, now housed at zoos around the world, with the females
able to express interest or disinterest. Researchers admit results have
been mixed, that some males have to be returned home, and once, a female
handed the iPad with a potential suitor showing, merely crushed the tablet.
Apps are not quite to the point of offering animals the ability to
digitally smell each other.

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   Lower is Better

   Peac*cks are known to flash their erect, rack of colourful tail feathers
to attract mating opportunities. However, as researchers in Texas recently
found, the display might not be important. Body cameras placed on peahens
at eye level to learn how they check out strutting males, revealed that the
females gazed mostly at the lowest level of feathers, as if attracted only
to certain colours, rather than the awesomeness of the towering flourish.

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   Spectacular Error (1)

   Jurors in Norfolk, Virginia, found Allen Cochran, 49, not guilty of
attempted shoplifting, but he was nowhere to be seen, when the verdict was
announced. Apparently predicting doom, since he had alsoJurors Jurors found
Allen Cochran not guilty of trying to steal cheddar cheese, worth $33, from
the Food Lion store, in Norfolk, Virginia. But the 49-year-old
wasn’t there to hear he’d gotten off. He’d absconded
from his own trial. Circuit Judge Everett Martin told jurors the defendant
hadn’t returned for their verdict, after sitting through a one-day
trial, in which he faced two felony charges. So the jurors, who’d
found him guilty of failing to show up for a previous court hearing,
retired once more to figure out how they wanted to punish him. They
could’ve sentenced him to no jail time. Or Cochran still could have
walked out of court a free man, as long as they didn’t give him more
than the seven months, he’d already served at the Norfolk jail.
Instead, they hit him with the maximum: five years in prison. Martin issued
a warrant for his arrest for contempt of court, and absconding from his own
trial.

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   Spectacular Error (2)

   Ghanian soccer player Mohammed Anas earned a man of the match award,
after his two goals led the Free State Stars to a 2-2 draw, but botched the
acceptance speech, by thanking both his wife, and his girlfriend.
Reportedly, Anas stumbled for a second, until he could correct himself.
"I'm so very sorry, my wife. I love you so much from my heart."

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   Not a Very Good Leader

   More embarrassment for Global Security Leader, G4S, as a 3rd ATM in a
week, was left open, after filling. Early on Monday morning, 3rd April,
cleaners arriving for work at the Limbecker Platz, in Essen, Germany, found
an ATM open, on the 4th floor. Police were called, and it is believed that
no money was missing. It was cleaners again, who found the 2nd open ATM for
the week, at Strasbourg Airport, France. Twelve thousand, four hundred
euros were missing. After viewing security footage, police said they
expected an early arrest. The 3rd open ATM was found on Sat*rday, at the
Qubica Bowling Alley, Canberra, Australia, by 8yo “Betsy,” who
was given $200 reward, by G4S. No money was missing.

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   Robber Put in Safe

   Boca Raton, Florida, jeweller Robert Yampolsky said he was suspicious,
that the female customer, Fatima Milanovic, 46, who asked to examine
diamonds worth $6 million, carried no tools of the examination trade. After
Milanovic made several obvious attempts to distract Yampolsky, he ended the
charade by locking her in his vault, and calling the police, who arrested
her, after discovering she had a package of fake diamonds in her purse,
that she likely intended to switch.

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   Ships in the Night

   Two convicted murderers imprisoned in Nepal married each other, though
it will be at least 14 years, before they can consummate. Dilli Koirala,
33, serving 20 years for killing his wife, and Mimkosha Bista, 30 with
another four years to go for killing her husband, will be allowed to meet,
just to talk, twice a month, until Koirala's term ends. A lawyer involved
in the case said the marriage, though odd, was perhaps the last chance
either would have, to meet a suitable match.

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Subject: Walter Thiele
 Click here Click here Click here

The Inventions of Walter Thiele

German inventor Walter Thiele made his fortune from the "laughsack," which
he invented in 1968. It was a small bag that made a laughing sound when you
squeezed it. He sold around 120 million of them. But he came up with many
other inventions — Wikipedia says around 1600 of them. These
include:

   a.. a yodelling hat
   b.. bad weather glasses with windshield wipers
   c.. Berlin air in cans
   d.. inflatable pretzel
   e.. bicycle with a steering wheel
   f.. fireproof briefcase
   g.. A birth-control clock, with red and green lights, to indicate when a
woman can conceive. (green lights were "safe days")
   h.. a wet diaper alarm
   i.. a "Love Sack" that played tape-recorded sounds of "love groans" when
squeezed.
   j.. a plastic parrot that could say 17 pre-recorded phrases

But what has me curious is that in 1996, at the age of 75, he took out ads
in German newspapers, seeking someone who would be willing to marry his
wife, and inherit his fortune, after he died.  His wife, Renate, was 28. So
he figured he would die before her, and they should search for a
replacement together.  As far as I can tell, he's still alive.  At least, I
can't find any death notice for him.  The German Wikipedia doesn't have a
date of death for him, so he must be around 96 now, and Renate will be
approaching 50.  Does he still have a marital replacement lined up?

Subject: Think about it !!!
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You  don't  need  a  parachute to skydive,
You need a parachute to skydive AGAIN!

Subject: Links & Photos
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+++ Content:
Links & Photos

Underwater Mailboxes
 Click here

Paul Zerdin (Ventriloquist)
 Click here

Subject: Blown Glass
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here

Subject: $425 Jeans
 Click here Click here Click here

Nordstrom is offering a unique line of $425 Jeans, that come pre-caked with
mud, paint, and/ or bleach.

Subject: Fences & ER
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here

More alarming photos under T-Shirt
 Click here

Subject: God Bless
 Click here

   ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Subject: Mexican Wall
 Click here

Mexicans were asked what they thought of Trump's proposed wall.
They replied, "We are very upset ..... but we'll get over it."

   ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Whizzbang
Subject: Hard to untrain a dog
 Click here

   ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Quote of the Week:

I can resist everything except temptation.

  -

Oscar Wilde

   ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

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[ End friday humour ]

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