Friday humour - April 28, 2017

Hail all readers of Friday Humour!  This week's entertainment is brought to
you by Duke of Barsinov, Sack, Seasoldier, Wally and Duke of Barsinov.

Enjoy!

"To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that is all."
? Oscar Wilde

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GOLF COURSE CHATTER

Three ladies are chipping up to the fourth hole at River Hill Golf Club
when a naked man wearing a paper bag over his head jumps from the trees and
runs across the green.

The three ladies stand in awe at the size of his manhood.
The first lady says, 'He is definitely not my husband.'

The second lady, gazes at his manhood and says, 'He is not mine either.'

After a very considerable inspection, the third lady finally says,

'He's not even a member of this golf club'.

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Two Blondes With Hammers

Lynn & Judy were doing some carpenters work on a House.
Lynn was nailing down house siding, would reach into her nail pouch, pull
out a nail & either toss it over her shoulder or nail it in.

"Why are you throwing these nails away?" asked Judy.
Lynn explained, 'When I pull a nail out of my pouch, about half of them
have the head on the wrong end so I throw them away.'
Judy got completely upset & yelled, 'You moron! Those nails aren't
defective! They're for the other side of the house!'

  +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Did you hear about the two blondes who froze to death in a drive-in movie?
They had gone to see...'Closed for the Winter.'

  +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

You might have to think twice about this one.
A blonde hurried into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her
index finger shot off.
'How did this happen?' the emergency room doctor asked her.
'Well, I was trying to commit suicide,' the blonde replied.
'What?' sputtered the doctor. 'You tried to commit suicide by shooting off
your finger?'
'No, silly' the blonde said. 'First I put the gun to my chest, & then I
thought,  'I just paid $6, 000.00 for these implants..... I'm not shooting
myself in the chest.'
'So then?' asked the doctor.
'Then I put the gun in my mouth, & I thought, 'I just paid $3,000..00 to
get my teeth straightened   I'm not shooting myself in the mouth.'
'So then?' said the doctor.
'Then I put the gun to my ear, & I thought: 'This is going to make a
loudnoise.  So I put my finger in my ear before I pulled the trigger.

  ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

A blonde was driving home after a game & got caught in a really bad
hailstorm.  Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to
a repair shop.  The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to
have  some fun...
He told her to go home and blow into the exhaust pipe really hard, & all
the dents would pop out.
So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands & knees & started blowing
into her exhaust pipe..
Nothing happened.. So she blew a little harder, & still nothing happened.
Her blonde roommate saw her & asked, 'What are you doing?'
The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into
the exhaust pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.
The roommate rolled her eyes & said, 'Uh, like hello! You need to close up
the windows first.'

  +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

A blonde was shopping at Tesco's & came across a shiny silver thermos.
She was quite fascinated by it, she picked it up & took it to the Assistant
to ask what it was.
He said:  That's a thermos.....  It keeps hot things hot,  And cold things
cold.'
'Wow, said the blonde, 'that's amazing.....I'm going to buy it!'
So she bought the thermos & took it to work the next day.
Her boss saw it on her desk.
'What's that,' he asked?
'Why, that's a thermos.....It keeps hot things hot & cold things cold,' she
replied..
Her boss inquired, 'What do you have in it?'
The blond replied... 'Ice cream & some coffee.'

  ++++++++++++

AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST
A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out..
Her boss asked sympathetically, 'What's the matter?'
The blonde replies, 'Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my
mother had passed away.'
The boss, feeling sorry for her, says, 'Why don't you go home for the day?
Take the day off to relax & rest.'
'Thanks, but I'll be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it & I
have the best chance of doing that here.'
The boss agrees & allows the blonde to work as usual.
A couple of hours pass & the boss decides to check on the blonde.
He looks out from his office & sees the blonde crying hysterically...
'What's so bad now? Are you going to be okay?' he asks.
'No!' exclaims the blonde.
'I just received a horrible call from my sister. Her mother died, too!'

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SCOTTISH GOLF SIGN!!

This is an actual sign posted at a golf club in Scotland, UK

1.  BACK STRAIGHT, KNEES BENT

2..  FEET SHOULDER-WIDTH APART

3.  FORM A LOOSE GRIP

4.  KEEP YOUR HEAD DOWN!

5.  STAY OUT OF THE WATER

6. TRY NOT TO HIT ANYONE

7.  IF YOU ARE TAKING TOO LONG, LET OTHERS GO AHEAD OF YOU

8.  DON'T STAND DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF OTHERS

9.  QUIET PLEASE...WHILE OTHERS ARE PREPARING

10.  DON'T TAKE EXTRA STROKES.

WELL DONE!

NOW, FLUSH THE URINAL,

GO OUTSIDE, AND TEE OFF

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Redneck Birth

Deep in the back woods, of Letcher County Kentucky a hillbilly's wife went
into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to
assist in the delivery. Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed
the father-to-be a lantern and said, 'Here. You hold this high so I can see
what I am doing!'

Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world. 'Whoa there', said the doctor,
'Don't be in such a rush to put that lantern down I think there's another
one coming.'

Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl. 'Hold that
lantern up, don't set it down there's another one!' Said the doctor.
Within a few minutes he had delivered a third baby 'No, don't be in a hurry
to put down that lantern, it seems there's yet another one coming!'
cried the doctor.

The redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor,

'You reckon it might be the light that's attractin' 'em?'

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Male logic...Flawless

This a conversation between a man and his wife. Please note that she asks
five or six questions which he answered quite simply, but then she is
speechless after attempting to answer only one question. l bet this happens
more often than not to most husbands out there:

Woman: Do you drink beer?
Man: Yes

Woman: How many beers a day?
Man: Usually about three

Woman: How much do you pay per beer?
Man: $5.00 which includes a tip (this is where it gets scary!)

Woman: And how long have you been drinking?
Man: About 20 years, I suppose

Woman: So a beer costs $5 and you have three beers a day which puts your
spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5400
correct?
Man: Correct

Woman: If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past
20 years puts your spending at $108,000 correct?
Man: Correct

Woman: Do you know that if you didn't drink so much beer, that money could
have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting
for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought an
airplane?

Man: Do you drink beer?
Woman: No.

Man: Where is your airplane?

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The World's Fastest Passenger Ship

If you have ever been on a cruise ship or long ferry ride, then you might
be interested in seeing the fastest passenger ship in the world, which was
built in Hobart, Australia. The HSC Francisco speeds through the water at
over 50 knots using liquefied natural gas (LNG) as the primary fuel. It can
carry 1,000 passengers, and 150 cars, and those passengers can enjoy a
duty-free shop, that's over 3,000 sq ft. I would imagine this fast ferry
will be appreciated by, anyone that has to make a long ferry crossing on a
regular basis.
 Click here

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Making the Tesla S
 Click here
3-5 days from raw material to finished car. This is going to hurt people's
jobs.

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Celebrities who served in the Military
 Click here

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UNDER THE ICE - BBC video

*When the tide is out under the ice...
**I did not know that the tide changes made the ice move up and down 40
feet in most cases.

*Inuit of Northeast Canada

*This is an amazing video. Very interesting what natives have done for
ages.

 Click here

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Ad in American newspaper!

*_AN ACTUAL CRAIG'S LIST PERSONALS AD_*

*To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannahnight before last.*

*Date: 2017-01-17,1:43 am. E.S.T.*

*I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that
I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend,
threatening our lives. You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and
earrings. I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather
important message.*

*First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment; I didn't expect you
to actually cr*p in your pants when
I drew my pistol after you took my jacket.. The evening was not that cold,
and I was wearing the jacket for a reason.. my girlfriend was happy that I
just returned safely from my 2nd tour as a Combat Marine in Afghanistan..
She had just bought me that Kimber
Custom Model 1911 .45 ACP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a
shoulder holster for it that very evening. Obviously you agree that it is a
very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head ... isn't it?!*

*I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come from
with cr*p in your pants. I'm sure it was even worse walking bare-footed
since I made you leave your shoes,
cell phone, and wallet with me. (That prevented you from calling or running
to your buddies to come help mug us again).*

*After I called your mother or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell,
I explained the entire episode of what you'd done. Then I went and filled
up my gas tank as well as those of four other people in the gas station, --
on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 153 gallons and
was extremely grateful!*

*I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with
all the cash in your wallet. [That made his day!]*

*I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile" that was parked
at the curb ..... after I broke the windshield and side window and keyed
the entire driver's side of the car.*

*Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's
office and one to the FBI, while mentioning
President Trump as my possible target.*

*The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess
while he traced your number etc.).*

;*In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you ... but I feel
this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your
threatened crime. I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these
rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the
opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider, the career path you've
chosen to pursue in life.. Remember, next time you might not be so lucky.
Have a good day!*

*Thoughtfully yours,*

*Semper fi,*

*Alex*

*/Probably don't have to ask you to forward this one,it is priceless/*

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SCHOOL - 1950s v 2014

1950s v 2014

*_Scenario_**:
Johnny and Mark get into a fight after school.
*
*1950s -*Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up
best friends.*
*
*2014 -*Police called, and they arrest Johnny and Mark & charge them with
assault.
Both expelled even though Johnny started it.
Both children go to anger management programmes for 3 months.
School governors hold meeting to implement bullying prevention
programmes.*__*
*--------------------------
*
*_Scenario_**:
Robbie won't be still in class, disrupts other students.
*
*1950s -*Robbie sent to the office and given six of the best by the
Principal.
Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.*
*
*2014 -*Robbie given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. Tested for
ADHD – result deemed to be positive. Robbie's parents get fortnightly
disability payments and school gets extra funding from government because
Robbie has a disability.*_    _*
*--------------------------
*
*_Scenario_**:
Billy breaks a window in his neighbour's car and his Dad gives him a
whipping with his belt.
*
*1950s -*Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college,
and becomes a successful businessman.*
*
*2014 -*Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy removed to foster
care; joins a gang; ends up in jail.

*--------------------------
*
*_Scenario_**:
Mark gets a headache and takes some Aspirin to school.
*
*1950s -*Mark gets glass of water from Principal to take aspirin with,
Passes exams & becomes a solicitor.

*2014 -*Police called, car searched for drugs and weapons.
Mark expelled from school for drug taking. Ends up as a drop out.

*--------------------------
*
*_Scenario_**:
Johnny takes apart leftover fireworks from Guy Fawkes night, puts them in a
paint tin & blows up a wasp's nest.
*
*1950s -*Wasps die.*
*
*2014-*Police & Anti-Terrorism Squad called. Johnny charged with domestic
terrorism, investigate parents, siblings removed from home,
computers confiscated.
Johnny's Dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly in an
aeroplane again.*_ _*
*--------------------------
*
*_Scenario_**:
Johnny falls over while playing football during morning break and scr*pes
his knee.
He is found crying by his teacher, Mary.  She hugs him to comfort him.
*
*1950s -*In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing
football.**No damage done.

*2014 -*Mary is accused of being a s*xual predator and loses her job. She
faces 3 years in prison.
Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy and ends up gay.

*-------------------------- *
*_This should be sent to every e-mail address you know to remind us
    how stupid we have become!    _*

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Some may be handy

Random Reflections:

I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much
faster now!

Gone are the days when girls used to cook like their mothers. Now they
drink like their fathers.

You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone?
That's common sense leaving your body.

I don't like making plans for the day because then the word
"premeditated" gets thrown around in the courtroom.

I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes five years in a row.

I decided to change calling the bathroom the John and renamed it the
Jim. I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.

Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven't met
yet�

I don't need anger management. I need people to stop irritating me!

Old age is coming at a really bad time!

When I was a child I thought Nap Time was a punishment... now, as a grown
up, it just feels like a small vacation!

The biggest lie I tell myself is... "I don't need to write that down,
I'll remember it."

My people skills are just fine. It's my tolerance to idiots that needs
work.

If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would've put them on my knees.

The kids text me "plz" which is shorter than please. I text back "no" which
is shorter than "yes."

I'm going to retire and live off of my savings. Not sure what I'll do that
second week.

I've lost my mind and I'm pretty sure my wife took it!

Even duct tape can't fix stupid... but it can muffle the sound!

Why do I have to press one for English when you're just gonna transfer me
to someone I can't understand anyway?

Of course I talk to myself, sometimes I need expert advice.

Oops! Did I roll my eyes out loud?

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There's Always Someone Around With a Camera
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

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New church signs.....
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here

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Amazing it didn't kill him
 Click here

It hurts to look at this picture.

Now This Is A Splinter!

Read the story on this before you think much about it.

* DON'T DRIVE YOUR FISHING BOAT TOO FAST!

* So you thought YOU had a bad day at the office!

* OK, all you medics. . Top this one !

This is an actual emergency room photo of a fisherman

who lost control of his High Speed Bass Boat in West Virginia

The wardens believe that he was traveling at a speed of approximately

75 mph at the time of the accident..

He was unable to negotiate a curve in the narrow waterway and

unfortunately for him, upon striking the shoreline, he was ejected from the

boat and landed on an old fence post.

You can probably picture what happened next, but this photograph really
says it all.

The good news is after about 6 months, this man made a full recovery after

suffering a shattered hip, broken leg, several broken ribs, internal
injuries

and soft tissue damage. The doctors credited his recovery to the fact that

the post lodged itself so tightly that there was little or no blood loss.

Now, that's got to hurt!

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New Davy Crockett?
 Click here

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Deaf Italian bookkeeper

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido,
has cheated him out of $10,000,000.00
His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first
place.
It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing so he would not have to
testify in court.
When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million, he
takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.

The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is!"
The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, Where's the money?
Guido signals back, "I don't know what you are talking about."
The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you're
talking about." The Godfather pulls out a pistol,
puts it to Guido's head and says, "Ask him again or I'll kill him!"
The lawyer signals to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."
Guido trembles and signals, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown
briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house.
The Godfather asks the lawyer,
"What did he say?"
The lawyer replies,
"He says f*ck  you. You don't have the balls to pull the trigger."

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Can You Guess?
 Click here Click here
Guess what this  beauty aid was used for in 1936?

Making Dimples

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Wally's Wacky Weekly (W/E - 23rd April)
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

Persistent Prankster

Australian actress, Cate Blanchett was a shocked bystander, as a man
climbed under the dress of fellow actress America Ferrera, on the Cannes
red carpet.  The pair were posing for a photo, when the ugly incident
occurred.  Festival security had to drag the man away, after he rushed the
red carpet wearing a suit and tie, jumped behind Ferrera, and then slipped
under her dress. Reports claimed the man was Ukrainian journalist Vitalii
Sediuk, a serial prankster at entertainment events.  Sediuk has in the past
tried to kiss Will Smith on the red carpet, hugged the crotch of Leonardo
Dicaprio, and gate-crashed the Grammys stage, during Adele's acceptance
speech.

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Religion at Work

Carolyn Unfricht, 56, felt passionately about her religion, especially when
she and her 35-year-old roommate, Daniel Camarda, were so drunk, that they
could barely walk. They were in the Microtel Hotel, Cartersville, Georgia,
around 1:00 AM one morning, when Ms. Unfricht decided to impart her wisdom
about the Ten Commandments, to her young companion. Apparently not
understanding the commandment that says 'Thou shalt honour someone old
enough to be thy mother',� young Daniel got a bit mouthy. So Ms. Unfricht
did what any morally upstanding older woman would do. She belted him in the
face, with her Bible. This broke young Daniel's $150 glasses. But to his
credit, he remembered the commandment 'Thou shalt not kill', so he merely
threw Ms. Unfricht across the room, into a television. She cut her head,
and hurt her foot.  Although we don't know exactly how they're related,
they were both arrested under the Family Violence Act, and were booked into
the Barstow County Jail.

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Chainsaw, Fishnet Stockings, and Mr. Whippy

In New Zealand, Mr. Whippy is a soft-serve ice cream brand, whose trucks
sell frozen treats to kids on the street. So it might be a little unnerving
to see a drunken man naked, but for black fishnet stockings, chasing a Mr.
Whippy truck down the street, with a running chainsaw. While attending a
rowdy stag party in Rangiora, New Zealand, Mr. Fishnet apparently wanted
more excitement. So he went outside, fired up a chainsaw, and shaking and
waving it, chased the aforementioned Mr. Whippy ice cream truck down the
street. This scared the truck driver, but not enough to floor it, and
outrun the guy. In short order, Mr. Fishnet caught up to the slow-moving
vehicle. With a polite "hello," he ditched the chainsaw, and jumped into
the front passenger's seat of the moving truck. While Mr. Whippy called the
police, Mr. Fishnet returned to the party. Mr. Whippy's description of the
young man, a 20-something drunk, wearing only black fishnet stockings,
while holding a chainsaw, "made him reasonably easy to identify, as police
Sergeant Colin Stewart put it. At the party, Mr. Fishnet owned up to the
crime, and politely apologized. He was arrested for disorderly conduct.
However, at the police station, Sergeant Stewart decided "it was more of a
disorderly behaviour thing, than a direct threat," to Mr. Whippy. So the
unidentified young man was released with a warning.

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Butt First

Tom Carideo was driving near the North Coast Music Festival in Chicago's
West Town neighbourhood when he spotted a naked man running in circles on
the street. Carideo thought it was funny, until the naked man started
running toward his car. As Carideo described it, "He looks at my car, and
goes into a full-out sprint and jumps, landing ass-first on the right side
of my windshield, and shatters it."  As he called police, the naked man
danced away, bleeding from the shards of glass stuck in his butt. When
officers arrived, Carideo pointed out the man, who had dove into a puddle
on the street, and was drinking the dirty water. The suspect was later
identified as Sam Schauer, 22, of Auburndale, Massachusetts. He repeatedly
resisted arrest, so police tasered him. They transported him to a nearby
hospital for observation, and to treat his bleeding butt. Police believe he
was high on a hallucinogenic drug.

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La-Z-Boy Vehicle

Dennis Anderson, 62, converted a La-Z-Boy lounge chair, into a motorized
vehicle, complete with steering wheel, stereo, cup holders, and headlights.
He even slapped on a power antenna, and a Hell Yeah It's Fast bumper
sticker. The 8-horsepower Kohler lawnmower engine gave it a top speed of 30
k/ph, just fast enough to make it a menace, when Anderson drove it drunk
through Minneapolis one night. After drinking at home, and in a bar,
Anderson crashed his decked-out La-Z-Boy into a parked car. His blood
alcohol content was 0.29, almost five times the legal driving limit in
Minnesota. Police also discovered that his license had been revoked, for an
earlier DWI conviction. Anderson pleaded guilty in court to driving while
intoxicated. The sentence: six months and a fine of $2,000. But the jail
time and $1,000 of the fine, were suspended, upon Anderson's successful
completion of two years of supervised probation. The La-Z-Boy lounge chair
was impounded, and sold at police auction.

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The Perfect Crime

Here's a brainteaser for you --- If you're a man who wants to flash your
crown jewels at a woman in public, without getting arrested for indecent
exposure, where would you do it?  An unidentified thin black man, about
178cm tall, and 45 years old, has given us his answer --- The bookstore at
the Bucks County Association for the Blind and Visually Impaired, in
Newtown, Pennsylvania. Unfortunately, we'll never know the answers to our
other burning question: How many times had he done this before?
Nevertheless, it takes a lot to put yourself out there, but this pervert
had the misfortune to proffer his privates, to the only sighted woman in
the place, the company auditor, doing her yearly rounds. She reported to
police, that the man quickly fled. We can only speculate why. Was it her
look of horror, her unexpected chuckle, or her squeal of "Ooh, how small"?
Under Pennsylvania's indecent exposure law, this may turn out to be the
perfect crime. A flasher may not expose his private parts any place, where
he 'knows or should know that this conduct is likely to offend, affront, or
alarm.' So this man may argue that he didn't think he'd be offending blind
people, getting him off on a technicality. But it's all hypothetical for
now. Although the police conducted an immediate search, the suspect eluded
capture, and still remains at large, despite the auditor's description.

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Young Terrorist

A three-month old baby was summoned to the US embassy in London for an
interview, after his grandfather mistakenly identified him as a terrorist.
Harvey Cairns had been due to fly from Manchester to Orlando in Florida,
until his grandfather Paul Kenyon, 62, made the error on a visa waiver
form.  On the part of the form which reads 'Do you seek to engage in or
have you ever engaged in terrorist activities, espionage, sabotage, or
genocide?' Kenyon ticked yes instead of no. He only learned of his error
when his grandson's travel was refused, and the baby was taken by police,
from his home in Poynton, Cheshire, to the US embassy in Grosvenor Square,
London, to be questioned by officials. The round trip took about 10 hours,
longer than the nine-and-a-half-hour flight time from Manchester to
Orlando. "Baby Harvey was as good as gold for the interview, and never
cried once. I thought about taking him along in an orange jumpsuit, but
thought better of it," said Kenyon. "They didn't appear to have a sense of
humour over it at all, and couldn't see the funny side. "He's obviously
never engaged in genocide, or espionage, but he has sabotaged quite a few
nappies in his time, though I didn't tell them that at the US embassy." The
mess-up cost Kenyon an extra $4,000, as the new visa didn't arrive in time
for the family's flights. Harvey and his parents, Faye Cairns, 27, and her
husband John Cairns, 31, flew out a few days later. "It was a very
expensive mistake, but I was hoping the US embassy would realise that it
was just a simple error, without us having to jump through all the hoops,"
said Kenyon. He added: "If you were a terrorist, I suspect you'd not be
ticking yes on the form anyway."

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Snake on a Plane

Of all the announcements, passengers on an Alaskan commuter flight expected
to hear, being told there was a snake on the plane, probably wasn't one of
them. But that's what seven people on a Ravn Alaska flight between the
village of Aniak, and the city of Anchorage, heard over the intercom. The
reptile was spotted by a little boy, who was climbing on his seat, when he
spotted the sleeping snake partially covered by a duffel bag at the back of
the plane. The pale snake was about 5 feet long and, unlike the film Snakes
on a Plane, luckily was not poisonous. According to passenger Anna
McConnaughy passengers remained remarkably calm at the announcement. After
a discussion with the pilot, on how to catch the snake, a flight attendant
grabbed it by the belly, and dropped it into a plastic rubbish bag. The
snake then spent the remainder of the journey sleeping peacefully in an
overhead luggage compartment, and the plane landed in Anchorage on
schedule. The snake had been left behind, by a passenger on an earlier
flight, who had forgotten to take his pet with him, when he left the plane.

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It doesn't pay to Advertise

The license plate of the white Chevy Corvette read 'CULNANE,' and police
say that, Kevin Culnane was the man behind the wheel, in two different
accidents on Sat*rday night, 15th April, within 7 minutes of each other. At
7:15 p.m., Goffstown police responded to a hit-and-run accident involving
two vehicles, at the corners of Main Street and Mountain Road. Witnesses
told police a late-model Chevrolet Corvette, with the license plate
'CULNANE,' took off at high speed, after the crash, heading east on Mast
Road. At 7:22 p.m. Manchester police responded to a crash, near where Mast
Road intersects with Varney Street. Goffstown officials alerted them to the
earlier accident.  Manchester police learned from witnesses that the
Corvette, with the license plate 'CULNANE,' was traveling at a high rate of
speed, and weaving through traffic southwesterly on Mast Road, when it
struck the other vehicle, pushing it into a telephone pole.  Witnesses to
the second crash, in Manchester, detained the driver, when he tried to
leave the scene. Police said, no one was seriously injured. Culnane, 54,
was charged with leaving the scene after an accident, operating under the
influence of drugs, speeding, and reckless operation of a motor vehicle.
Goffstown police said charges will be laid against Culnane in their town.

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First for Italy

A long time Telecom Italia employee has been awarded monthly social
security payments, after a court found that his brain tumor  was caused by
improper use of a company-issued mobile phone. Lawyer Stefano Bertone said
that it was the first trial court verdict, of which he was aware in the
world "to recognize a link between mobile phone use, and the development of
brain tumor." Bertone said one factor that appeared to have contributed to
the verdict, was the refusal by the court's expert to accept into evidence,
studies that were funded by the telecom industry. The employee, Roberto
Romeo, 57, used the company mobile phone for three hours a day for 15
years, without taking any precautions, resulting in the non-cancerous
tumor, and the subsequent loss of hearing in one ear. Romeo sued the state
social security agency, not Telecom Italia, where he still works. He said
he is not against mobile phone use, but that consumers should adopt safety
measures. His lawyer said those should include reducing mobile phone use,
and using specialized anti-radiation ear buds. The Consumer Protection
Agency says it is considering a class-action based on the Romeo decision.

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Compelling Explanation

Pro-Choice activist Jessica Farrar, a Texas state legislator, introduced a
bill to create consistency between the state's rigorous regulation of
women's reproductive functions, and those of men. Because Texas's
anti-abortion laws highlight procreation as a crucial government interest,
she believes male use of erectile-dysfunction drugs such as Viagra, should
be regulated as abortion is, and must be preceded by counselling, similar
to that required by abortion laws, and since male masturbation involves the
wasting of precious sperm cells, it, too, would require beforehand
counselling.

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Crime Report

At a time of growing awareness that some people seem almost addicted to
their mobile phones, police in Brookfield, Wisconsin, released a
surveillance photo of a woman, in the act of robbing a bank, while standing
at the teller counter, and talking on the phone during the entire episode.
Acting on a tip from the photo, police arrested Sarah Kraus, 33.

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Thumbs Up

In Youngstown, Ohio, Paul Perry, 39, was found sound asleep behind the
wheel of his car, with motor running, at a red light, in the early hours of
the morning. It took several attempts to wake up Perry, with a tow-truck
driver managing to gain entry into the vehicle, and roust him. According to
the police report, Perry offered to thumb wrestle the officer, to get out
of the DUI ticket. From the report: Perry was advised officers do not
thumb-wrestle for tickets. Perry's blood-alcohol level reading was .236.

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XXXX Penis Seat XXXX

Local government and s*xual-assault critics unveiled a
consciousness-raising exhibit on Mexico City's trains. A plastic seat onto
which is subtly molded contours of a male body, except with genitals
sharply exposed. Men supposedly have been spotted absentmindedly lowering
themselves onto the seat, only to leap up in shock. A note on the floor
read (in Spanish): "It's uncomfortable to sit here, but that's nothing
compared to the s*xual violence suffered by women on these trains."

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Naughty Yasin

Village police in Bangladesh arrested Yasin Byapari, 45, on the complaint
of his wife, after she had learned that she was not, as he had told her,
his second spouse, but rather the 25th of his 28. Police found him at the
home of No. 27.  The accuser said she had, through sleuthing, tracked down
17 of her competitors.

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Return of the Sperm Bandits

A male schoolteacher reported that he had been kidnapped by four women near
Lupane, Zimbabwe, drugged with a beverage, and s*xually assaulted, in what
appears to be a return of the "sperm bandits" said to operate in the area
previously. Police set up roadblocks, and arrested four women, with 31
condoms full of semen.

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Hello Norway
Norway unseated Denmark as the world's happiest country, according to the
UN's Sustainable Development Solutions Network survey, conducted last week.
There was no word on whether Denmark was unhappy about losing the top spot.

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Links & Photos
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

Links & Photos

Boys and their Trains
 Click here

Japanese Supermarket
 Click here

Elvis in India
 Click here

Richardo (Impressive)
 Click here

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2017 World Car of the Year
 Click here

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15 X Signs
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here

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1680 Door Lock
 Click here
After looking at the amazing talent of John Wilkes, you have to appreciate
the fine Birmingham craftsmanship, that was around in 1680.

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93 yo Tom Sitter
 Click here

93 yo Tom Sitter " Valentine's Day
 Click here

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Links & Photos
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here

Having a Baby
 Click here

Lotto Winner
 Click here

Twenty Toes (Brilliant)
 Click here

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7 Countries That Are Not
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here

7 Countries That Are Not

We love living in denial, don't we? We find comfort in sticking to the
basics, going by the things we know and turning a blind eye to the things
we don't. Take a country, for instance. We know what it is, but in reality,
the concept of a country is a little more complex than just that. The
globe, or the atlas for that matter, is full of little regions that should
ideally be recognised as a country, yet for various reasons they are not
recognised by the United Nations and are ignored on most world maps.

It is really like entering a parallel universe, actually. These nations
have a history not known to many, a rich culture, a clear set of beliefs
apart from having a fixed population, a flag, their own set of rules and
regulations, and a currency. Some of them can even issue a legit passport.
Yet, they aren't recognised as a separate nation by the United Nations,
often considered the final seal of recognition.

Here are some nations that should be recognised as a country, but aren't.

1. Empire of Atlantium

The empire of Atlantium recognises itself as a 'unique parallel sovereign
state' based in New South Wales, Australia. They believe that in a world
where people are more unified based on their common interests and purpose
in life, they provide an alternative to the "discriminatory" practice of
assigning nationality to an individual on the basis of their birth or other
circ*mstances. They follow the decimal calendar and are quite a liberal
bunch, actually. They support the unrestricted right to freedom of movement
across the borders, the right to an abortion, and the right to assisted
suicide, among other things.

First established by three teenagers on the 27th of November 1981, the
country does not have any diplomatic relations with any country. However,
it does have "unaccredited diplomatic representatives" called "Imperial
Legates" in a number of countries including the USA, Brazil, Singapore,
Switzerland, Pakistan and India.

The Empire of Atlantium has approximately 3000 "citizens" from over 100
countries, most of whom have signed up online. In fact, a large percentage
of the 3000 have never actually been to Atlantium.

2. Christiania

Also known as Freetown Christiania, this country hosts about 850 residents
across 34 hectares of land in a small part of Denmark's capital,
Copenhagen. Christiania was temporarily closed by its residents back in
April 2011, while they were having a dialogue with the Danish government
regarding their future, but is open to everyone now. There have been
differences leading to conflicts between its people and the Danish
government since its creation back in 1971, but off late, things have
become more relaxed. The Danish government has also been more tolerant with
Christiana's cannabis trade which has led to riots, damage to property and
even murder in the past. If you ever end up travelling here, make sure
you're not seen clicking pictures. Determined to keep their city away from
Danish intervention, they will make sure you don't see your camera again.

Other than that, the country is pretty liberal. One of the famous places to
visit there is the Gay House - a centre for gay activism, parties and
theatre. Such is the fame of the gay house that homos*xuals from all across
Denmark come to Christiania to attend the high-acclaimed shows.

3. Crimea

Covering a comparatively large area of 27,000 square km, Crimea is located
on the northern coast of the Black Sea. The only land border it shares is
with Ukraine from the North. Crimea has always been a land we hear about in
fables. In the past, they have been colonised by the ancient Greeks, the
ancient Persians, the Romans, the Byzantine empire, the Goths, the Genoese,
even the Ottoman empire. In the recent past, Crimea was annexed by the
Russians in 1783 and became a republic as a part of USSR. It was downgraded
to Crimean Oblast during the second World War. It got transferred to
Ukranian Soviet Socialist Republic and became a part of Ukraine in 1991. If
you think you're having it difficult in life, know this, Crimea got annexed
by the Russians again in 2014.

In spite of all the political unrest, Crimea has been a hotspot for
tourists since the 90s with Nat Geo naming it in the top 20 destinations to
travel to in the world in 2014.

4. The Republic of Lakotah

The Republic of Lakotah is a sizeable area of land within the United States
and boasts of a population of more than 100,000 people. Located bang in the
middle of America, Lakotah's story of struggle began in the 18th century
when they signed a deal with the American government that promised them the
right to live in the Black Hills.  The Black Hills, however, turned out to
be sacred to many others, thanks to the land's ability to produce gold.

For more than a century, the American government forgot about the plight of
the locals before issuing an apology in 1998. The court decided to
compensate the Lakotah Sioux for nearly $600 million, but they refused
their money. They believed if they had taken the money, it would've come
across as if the atrocities committed on them were alright. In 2007, they
declared a formal withdrawal from the US. The Republic of Lakotah continues
to fight for their independence.

5. Barotseland

With a population of around 3.5 million and located in a region between
Namibia, Botswana, Zimbabwe, Angola and Zambia, Barotseland is humungous if
we were to compare it with the other countries on this list. Forming a
unified group of over 20 individual tribes from around the region, the
Barotse speak Silozi, a complex language derived from several tribal
languages.

It is said that the Barotse nation was founded by Queen Mbuywamwambwa, the
Lozi matriarch, over 500 years ago, with people migrating from all over
Africa, mainly Congo. Around 1889, King Lewanika signed a treaty to provide
the kingdom recognition as a state. This was also around the time when the
King had just begun trading the diamonds found in the state with Europe. He
signed a trade concession and in return, his kingdom was to be protected.
Later, seeking better military protection, King Lewanika signed another
treaty with the British South African Company in 1890. This put Barotseland
as another unit of Northern Rhodesia. Lewanika protested to the Queen but
that didn't make any difference. In 1900, United Kingdom proclaimed and
governed the land as part of Barotziland-North-Western Rhodesia.

6. Murrawarri Republic

The Murrawarri Republic is a micronation that declared its independence
from Australia very recently in 2013. They are located in a small area on
the borders of New South Wales and Queensland. Interestingly, the
Murrawarri Republic released an independence declaration to the Queen of
England and the Prime Minister of Australia. In the letter sent, they asked
Queen Elizabeth II to prove her legitimacy over their land. They gave 30
days to Australia and the Queen to respond. Not getting a response, they
formally became a nation. Their declaration of independence, however, is
still unrecognised by the Australian government.

7. Principality of Hutt River

Australia has a number of rebels, it seems. Previously known as the Hutt
River Province, it is known to be the oldest micronation of Australia. Hutt
River is a principality set up by farmers to escape the stringent grain
quotas set up by the Australian government. After decades of struggle, the
people of the province no longer have to pay Australian taxes. They even
have their own currency now. So cute.

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Shropshire Knife Angel
 Click here

Shropshire Knife Angel

A 26-foot high  sculpture made out of knives, and intended as a tribute to
victims of knife crime, is nearing completion.  The 100,000 weapons forming
the Shropshire Knife Angel have either been confiscated, or surrendered to
police.  It's been made at the British Ironworks Centre at Oswestry,
Shropshire.  Victims' families have had messages engraved on the wings. It
will be unveiled in May, 2017.

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THIS SHOULD CLEAR THINGS UP!
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

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Funny to think about our spouse, selling our stuff when we Die
 Click here

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*CAR TROUBLE*

*A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the ** mechanic it
died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. *

*She says, 'What's the story?' *

*He replies, 'Just cr*p in the carburettor'*

*She asks, 'How often do I have to do that?'*

*SPEEDING TICKET*

*A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if
he could see her license. *

*She replied in a huff, 'I wish you guys would get your act together. **
Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to
show it to you!'*

*RIVER WALK*

*There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another
blonde on the opposite bank 'Yoo-hoo!' she shouts, 'How can I get to the
other side?'*

*The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back,
'You ARE on the other side.'*

*AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE*

*A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her
body hurt wherever she touched it..*

*'Impossible!' says the doctor.. 'Show me.' *

*The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed,
then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and
screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she
touched made her scream. *

*The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you? *

*'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.' *

*'I thought so,' the doctor said, 'Your finger is broken.'*

*KNITTING*

*A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway.
Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the
wheel was knitting!*

*Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the
trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, 'PULL
OVER!' *

*'NO!' the blonde yelled back, 'IT'S A SCARF!'*

*BLONDE ON THE SUN*

*A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day.*

*The Russian said, 'We were the first in space!' *

*The American said, 'We were the first on the moon!' *

*The Blonde said, 'So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!'  The
Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads.*

*'You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!' said the
Russian. *

*To which the Blonde replied, 'We're not stupid, you know. We're going at
night!'*

*IN A VACUUM*

*A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night... It was her turn. She
rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, 'If
you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name,
can you hear it?' She thought for a time and then asked, 'Is it on or
off?'*

*FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!*

*A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and
asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one
was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, 'Whoever heard of
someone naming dogs like that?'
'HELLLOOOOOOO......,' answered the blonde. 'They're watch dogs'!*

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Street in japan
 Click here

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'GOD BLESS YOU BOTH'
 Click here
Deep down, he's still one of us!!!

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A good lesson for all
 Click here
Bill's wife caught him blow-drying his pecker this morning and asked him

what the hell he was doing.

Apparently, "heating up your breakfast" was not the right answer!

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The bath towel trick
 Click here

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Humour is the best medicine!

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[ End friday humour ]

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