Friday humour - April 21, 2017

From haz@bluehaze

Hope you had a happy and safe Easter
As Always thanks to our contributors – that’s what keeps this going

A Drone Flies Over Colorado. Indescribably beautiful
 Click here

Places in the video: - Mountain stream (Frisco) - Bangs Canyon (Grand
Junction) - American Basin - Million Dollar Highway - Blue Lakes Trail
(Ridgway) - North Clear ...

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Trivia

"Stewardesses" is the longest word typed with only the left hand

And "lollipop" is the longest word typed with your right hand.

No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or
purple.

"Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt".

Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.

The sentence: "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" uses every
letter of the alphabet.

The words 'racecar,' 'kayak' , and 'level'are the same whether they are
read left to right or right to left (palindromes).

There are only four words in the English language which end in "dous":
tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous

There are two words in the English language that have all five vowels in
order: "abstemious" and "facetious."

TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on
one row of the keyboard.

A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.

A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.

I know some people like that.

A "jiffy" is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.

A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.

A snail can sleep for three years.

Almonds are a member of the peach family.

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that also)

Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until the child reaches
2 to 6 years of age.

February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full
moon.

In the last 4,000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.

If the population of China walked past you, 8 abreast, the line would never
end because of the rate of reproduction.

Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors.

Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite!

Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.

The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.

The cruise liner, QE 2 moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.

The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a
chocolate bar melted in his pocket.
(Good thing he did that.)

The winter of 1932 was so cold that Niagara Falls froze completely solid.

There are more chickens than people in the world.
Winston Churchill

was born in a coat room during a dance.

Women blink nearly twice as much as men.
And here I thought it was a come on

Bonus!! All the ants in Africa weigh more than ALL the Elephants!!

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Immortal or stupid?

When Will Men Ever Learn They Aren't Immortal?

Son, next time I'll be William Tell
 Click here

This South African cop probably missed a few training days
 Click here

Irony overload
 Click here

Timber!
 Click here

Garden or no garden, we must have a trampoline
 Click here

I'll wear it, but only because I have to!
 Click here

Easy to walk forwards, not so easy to get back...
 Click here

This man's got his priorities straight
 Click here

If they pull this off they're engineering geniuses
 Click here

I like teamwork, but this...?
 Click here

Keep on believing! Nothing can go wrong
 Click here

What's the one part of your body you'd trust to a galloping giant?
 Click here

Oh yeah, like thats gonna help?
 Click here

Can't find your helmet? No problem - use a bucket
 Click here

Ok, friend, I've got a job for you. It's a tough one...
 Click here

An opened window does not a balcony make
 Click here

This guy likes his odds
 Click here

Do you think he's a professional window cleaner?
 Click here

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Food for thought from The Cynical Philosopher

Just read that 4,153,237 people got married last year, not to cause any
trouble but shouldn't that be an even number?

Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the
local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.

If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they would
eventually find me attractive.

I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom
until they are flashing behind you.

When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body... men are so polite
they only look at the covered parts.

Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and
wondered Y?

America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to
fight for democracy but won't cross the street to vote.

You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That's
your common sense leaving your body.

Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of
captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and
throw them fish?

My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about
that.

I think my neighbour is stalking me as she's been googling my name on her
computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.

Money talks ...but all mine ever says is good-bye.

You're not fat, you're just... easier to see.

If you think nobody cares whether you're alive, try missing a couple of
payments.

I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters. Do they just
give you a bra and say, Here, fill this out?

I cant understand why women are okay that JC Penny has an older womens
clothing line named, Sag Harbor.

My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social
situations. m pretty sure she was hitting on me.

My 60 year kindergarten reunion is coming up soon and m worried about the
175 pounds ve gained since then.

The pharmacist asked me my birth date again today. m pretty sure shes going
to get me something.

On average, an American man will have s*x two to three times a week.
Whereas, a Japanese man will have s*x only one or two times a year. This is
very upsetting news to me. I had no idea I was Japanese.

The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can
be in a robe before you start looking like a mental patient.

I think it's pretty cool how Chinese people made a language entirely out of
tattoos.

Money cant buy happiness, but it keeps the kids in touch!

The reason Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet was because nobody was
married. Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Earnest
T Bass, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara and, of course, Opie were all single. The
only married person was Otis, and he stayed drunk.

On the first day of school, the children brought gifts for their teacher.
The supermarket manager's daughter brought the teacher a basket of assorted
fruit. The florist's son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers. The
candy-store owner's daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of candy. Then
the liquor-store owner's son brought up a big, heavy box. The teacher
lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a little bit. She touched a
drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it."Is it wine?" she guessed.
"No," the boy replied. She tasted another drop and asked, "Champagne?"
"No," said the little boy, "It's a puppy."

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Building Permit

Some have asked what I've been doing in retirement.

Well, I applied for a building permit for a new house.

It was going to be 100 ft tall and 400 ft wide, with 12 gun turrets at
various heights, and windows all over the place and a loud outside
entertainment sound system.

It would have parking for 200 cars and I was going to paint it green with
pink trim.

Then I was gonna hire some idiot to stand on top of it and SCREAM as loud
as he could three or four times a day out of loudspeakers.

The City Council told me:

"Forget it... It AIN'T GONNA HAPPEN!"

So, I sent in the application again, but this time I called it a "Mosque."
Work starts on Monday. And here is the best part, it's going to be tax
exempt!

I love this country. It's the government that scares me.

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The ACME Windows -Payment Plan.

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that expensive
triple-panel energy efficient kind.
Today, I got a call from the contractor who installed them.
He was very angry and complaining bitterly that the work had been completed
a whole year ago but I still hadn't paid for them.

Hellllloooooo
Just because I'm blonde and flunked Maths at High School doesn't mean that
I am automatically stupid.

So, I told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year.
That in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves!

Hellllooooooo? It's now been a year! I told him.

There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung
up.
He never called back.
I bet he felt like a real idiot!!

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Anice story - the elderly are beautiful. When we get older we think
differently, don't we? This letter was sent to the Principal's office after
the school had sponsoreda luncheon for the elderly.An elderly lady received
a new radio at the lunch as a door prize and was writing to say thank you
This story is a credit to all humankind. Forward to anyone you know who
might need a lift today.Dear Kean Elementary:God bless you for the
beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizens luncheon. I am 84
years old and live at the SprengerHome for the Aged. All of my family has
passed away.. I am all alone now and it's nice to know that someone is
thinking of me. God bless you for your kindness to an old forgotten lady.
My roommate is 95 and has always had her own radio, but before I
receivedone, she would never let me listen to hers, even when she was
napping. The other day her radio fell off the night stand and broke into a
lot of pieces. It was awful and she was in tears. Her distressover the
broken radio touched me and I knew this was God's way of answering my
prayers. She asked if she could listen to mine, and I told her to kiss my
ass. Thank you for that opportunity.Sincerely yours.....

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Phone Repair

Lawrence, Kansas, December 12, 2008
A Kansas farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone
failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few occasions,
when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang.

The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic
dog or senile lady. He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set,
and dialed the subscriber's house.

The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone
began to ring.

Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:

1 . The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire with a steel
chain and collar.

2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.

3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signalling current when the number was
called.

4. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate.

5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to
ring.

Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by p*ssing and moaning.

Thought you'd like to know.

Poor dog.........................

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daylight savings

On the morning that Daylight Savings Time ended I stopped in to visit my
aging friend.

He was busy covering his penis with black shoe polish.

I said to him, "You better get your hearing checked. You're supposed to
turn your clock back".

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logic of it all:

A mother and her young son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City
to Chicago.
The little boy had been looking out of the window. He turned to his mother
and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why
don't big planes have baby planes?"
The mother couldn't think of an answer. She told her son to ask the flight
attendant.
The boy went down the aisle and asked the flight attendant, "If big dogs
have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby
planes?"
The busy flight attendant smiled and asked the boy, "Did your mother tell
you to ask me?"
The boy replied, "Yes, she did."
"Well," said the flight attendant, "you go and tell your mother that there
are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time.
"Have your mother explain that to you."

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Reporting

A left wing politician, a TV reporter and a SAS trooper were captured by
ISIS. They were sentenced to death by beheading. The ISIS leader said they
could have one last wish each before sentence was carried out. The
politician ask to hear a rendering of the ALP's "It's Time". The reporter
asked that the beheading to be televised so that even when he was dead, his
face would be on TV. The SAS trooper asked to be kicked three times up the
ar*e. This last request was carried out immediately. As the last kick
landed the trooper pulled a hidden 9mm pistol out of his smock shot three
terrorists dead, grabbed a fallen AK47 and killed the rest of the
terrorists. The other two were amazed, and asked why he requested to be
kicked three times before drawing the gun. Because, said the trooper, When
we get back to Australia I don't want you pair of bastards saying it was an
unprovoked attack!!

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United Airlines Slogans.......

 New slogans for United Airlines

 We have First Class, Business Class, and No Class.

 Our prices cant be beaten...but our passengers can.

 We put the hospital in hospitality.

 We beat our passengers, not the competition.

 We have an offer you cant refuse. No, really.

 Board as a doctor, leave as a patient.

 Not enough seating? Prepare for a beating.

 And you thought legroom was an issue.

 .If our staff need a seat, well drag you out by your feet.

 We treat you like we treat your luggage.

 Fight or flight.

 You may have patients, but we dont have patience.

 We have red-eye and black-eye flights available.

 Now serving free punch.

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The Italian Funeral

A Jewish man was leaving a convenience store with his espresso when he
noticed a most unusual Italian funeral procession approaching the nearby
cemetery.

A black hear*e was followed by a second black hear*e about 50 feet behind
the first one. Behind the second hear*e was a solitary Italian man walking
a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men
walking in single file.

The Jewish man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the
Italian man walking the dog and said: "I am so sorry for your loss, and
this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen an Italian
funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"

"My wife's."

''What happened to her?"

"She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her."

He inquired further, "But who is in the second hear*e?"

My mother-in-law. She came to help my wife and the dog turned on her and
killed her also.

A very poignant and touching moment of Jewish and Italian brotherhood and
silence passed between the two men.

The Jewish man then asked "Can I borrow the dog?"

The Italian man replied, "Get in the line."

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Not new, but ...................

Short Scottish joke

Abloke walks into a Glasgow library and says to the head librarian,

'Excuse me Miss, dey ye hae ony books on suicide?'

To which she stops doing her tasks, looks at him over the top of her
glasses and says,

'Buggeroff, ye'll no bring it back.

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The Miracle of Toilet Paper=good one

THE MIRACLE OF TOILET PAPER

FRESH FROM MY SHOWER, I STAND IN FRONT OF THE MIRROR
COMPLAINING TO MY HUSBAND THAT MY BREASTS ARE TOO SMALL.
INSTEAD OF CHARACTERISTICALLY TELLING ME IT'S NOT SO, HE
UNCHARACTERISTICALLY COMES UP WITH A SUGGESTION.

"IF YOU WANT YOUR BREASTS TO GROW, THEN EVERY DAY TAKE A
PIECE OF TOILET PAPER AND RUB IT BETWEEN THEM FOR A FEW
SECONDS." WILLING TO TRY ANYTHING, I FETCH A PIECE OF TOILET
PAPER AND STAND IN FRONT OF THE MIRROR, RUBBING IT BETWEEN
MY BREASTS.

"HOW LONG WILL THIS TAKE?" I ASKED. "THEY WILL GROW LARGER
OVER A PERIOD OF YEARS," MY HUSBAND REPLIES.

I STOPPED AND ASKED. "DO YOU REALLY THINK RUBBING A PIECE OF
TOILET PAPER BETWEEN MY BREASTS EVERY DAY WILL MAKE MY
BREASTS LARGER OVER THE YEARS?"

WITHOUT MISSING A BEAT HE SAYS, "WORKED FOR YOUR ASS, DIDN'T
IT?"

_(_ _HE'S STILL ALIVE, AND WITH A GREAT DEAL OF THERAPY, HE
MAY EVEN WALK AGAIN, ALTHOUGH HE WILL PROBABLY CONTINUE TO
TAKE HIS MEALS THROUGH A STRAW._ _)_

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Good one

A young guy from Idaho moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under
one roof" department store looking for a job.

The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid says "Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in Idaho."

Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he'd give him a
shot, so he gave him the job.

"You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store
was locked up, the boss came down to the sales floor.

"How many customers bought something from you today?" The kid frowns and
looks at the floor and mutters, "One".

The boss says "Just one?!!? Our sales people average sales to 20 to 30
customers a day.

"That will have to change, and soon, if you'd like to continue your
employment here. We have very strict standards for our sales force here in
Florida One sale a day might have been acceptable in Idaho, but you're not
on the farm anymore, son."

The kid took his beating, but continued to look at his shoes, so the boss
felt kinda bad for chewing him out on his first day. He asked
(semi-sarcastically), "So, how much was your one sale for?"

The kid looks up at his boss and says "$101,237.65."

The boss, astonished, says $101,237.65?!? What the heck did you sell?"

The kid says, "Well, first, I sold him some new fish hooks. Then I sold him
a new fishing rod to go with his new hooks. Then I asked him where he was
going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to
need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin
engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull
it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4
Expedition."

The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a
boat and a TRUCK!?"

The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I
said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing!"

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Gold

 A woman goes to her doctor's office,to discuss a strange development. She
has discovered a green spot on the inside of each thigh. They won't wash
off, they won't scr*pe off, and they seem to be getting worse.
 The doctor assures her he'll get to the bottom of the problem, and tells
her not to worry until he gets the tests back.
 A few days later, the woman's phone rings. Much to her relief, it's the
doctor.
 She immediately begs to know what's causing the spots.
 The doctor says, "You're perfectly healthy--there's no problem. But I'm
wondering, is your boyfriend a Harley guy?"
 The woman stammers, "Why, Yes, but how did you know?"
 "Tell him his earrings aren't real gold."

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Quickie in the bushes

There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude woman.
They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when
one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings
the two to life.
The angel tells them, "As a reward for being so patient through a hundred
blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty
minutes to do what you've wished to do the most."
He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the
shrubbery.
The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues. After
fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing.
The angel tells them, 'Um, you have fifteen minutes left, would you care to
do it again?'*
He asks her, "Shall we?'
She eagerly replies, 'Oh, yes, let's! But let's change positions. This
time, I'll hold the pigeon down and you sh*t on its head."
AND WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?*

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+++ Time: 20170414024634
+++ From: Seasoldier +++ Subject: Fw: FW: Civilization 2017 +++ Content:

----- Original Message -----
From: Seasoldier
Subject: Fwd: FW: Civilization 2017

Yikes!

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Civilization in 2017- this is priceless!!! WELCOME to 2017

Our Phones – Wireless
Cooking - Firelessï
Cars - Keylessï
Food - Fatlessï
Tires -Tubelessï
Dress - Sleevelessï
Youth -Joblessï
Leaders - Shamelessï
Relationships - Meaninglessï
Attitudes - Carelessï
Babies - Fatherlessï
Feelings -Heartlessï
Education - Valuelessï
Children - Mannerless
We are-SPEECHLESS,
Government-is CLUELESS,
And our Politicians-are WORTHLESS!
I'm scared - Sh*tless!

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Dating Ads for Seniors found in a Florida Newspaper .

You can say what you want about Florida , but you never hear of Anyone
retiring and moving north. These are actual ads seen in ''The Villages''
Florida newspaper. (Who says seniors don't have A sense of humor?)

FOXY LADY :
S*xy, fashion-conscious voluptuous blue-haired beauty,
80's, slim, 5'4' (used to be 5'6'),
Searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion.
Matching white shoes and belt a plus.
------------------------------ ----------------------

LONG-TERM COMMITMENT :
Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband,
Looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot.
Dizziness, Fainting, shortness of breath not a problem.
------------------------------ ----------------------

SERENITY NOW :
I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga and
Meditation. If you are the silent type, let's get together, take our
hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times.
------------------------------ ----------------------

WINNING SMILE :
Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flosser
To share rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy.
------------------------------ ----------------------

BEATLES OR STONES ?
I still like to rock, still like to cruise in my Camaro on
Sat*rday nights and still like to play the guitar.
If you were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen,
let's get together and listen to my eight-track tapes.
------------------------------ ----------------------

MEMORIES :
I can usually remember Monday through Thursday.
If you can remember Friday, Sat*rday and Sunday, let's put our two heads
together.
------------------------------ ----------------------
My favorite

MINT CONDITION :
Male, 1932 model, high mileage, good condition, some hair,
Many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves.
Isn't in running condition, but walks well.

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importance of granddads

Have you ever wondered what the difference is between Grandmothers and

Grandfathers?

Well, here it is:

There was this loving grandfather, who always made a special effort to
spend time with his son's family on weekends.

Every Sat*rday morning he would, take his 5-year-old granddaughter out for
a drive in the car for some quality time -- pancakes, ice cream, candy.
Just him and his granddaughter.

One particular Sat*rday, however, he had a terrible cold and could not get
out of bed. He knew his granddaughter always looked forward to their drives
and would be very disappointed. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and
said that she would take their granddaughter for her weekly drive and
breakfast.

When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her
grandfather who was still in bed.

"Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?" he asked."

"Not really, Papa, it was boring. We didn't see a single as*hole, piece of
sh*t, horse's ass, socialist left wing lover, blind bastard, dip sh*t,
Muslim diaper head camel-humper, safe-space seeking snowflake chicken sh*t
wuss, or son of a bitch anywhere we went! We just drove around and Grandma
smiled at everyone she saw. She never flipped anyone the finger. I really
didn't have any fun."

Almost brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it? This shows the importance of
grand dads' educating their grandchildren.

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HOW TO START A FIGHT

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas
gift
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.....

________________________________

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in
bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have s*x?'
 'No,' she answered.
I then said,'Is that your final answer?

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started...

________________________________

I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And that's when the fight started.....

_______________________________

My wife at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunk
swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed, he's my old boyfriend. He began drinking right after we
split up years ago, and hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that
long?"
And then the fight started...

________________________________

When our lawn mower broke my wife kept nagging me to get it fixed. But, I
always had something else to take care of. Finally she thought of a clever
way to make her point. I found her seated in the tall, unmowed grass,
busily snipping away with a tiny pair of scissors. I watched silently for a
short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when
I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish
cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

______________________________

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Lots of dust."
And then the fight started...

________________________________

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.

She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 165 in about 2
seconds."

I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started......

______________________________

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for benefits.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my
age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left it at home. I told the woman
I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.So I opened my shirt revealing my
curly silver chest hair.She said, That silver hair on your chest is proof
enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I told my wife about my experience at the Social Security
office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have
gotten disability too.' And then the fight started...

________________________________

My wife was standing naked, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a
compliment.'

I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
That's when the fight began . . .

________________________________

I rear-ended a car this morning . . .
the start of a really bad day!
The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!
He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'
So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'
That's how the fight started

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United airlines
 Click here

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blond girlfriend
*A guy took his blond girlfriend to her first football game. They had great
seats right behind their teams bench.*

*

After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.

Oh, I really liked it, she replied. Especially the tight pants and all the
big muscles. But I just couldnt understand why they were killing each other
over 25 cents. Dumbfounded, her boyfriend asked, What do you mean?

*Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the
game, all they kept screaming was: Get the quarterback! Get the
quarterback! Hello? Its only 25 cents!

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Easter Joke

 *A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit* jump out across the
middle of the road.*  *He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately
the**rabbit jumps right in front of the car.*  *The driver, a sensitive man
as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become
of the rabbit.*  *Much to his dismay, the rabbit is the**Easter Bunny**,
and he is**DEAD**.*  *The driver feels so awful****that he****begins to
cry.***  **A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man
crying on the side of the road and pulls over.*
*She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong.*  *"I feel
terrible," he explains,
 "I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny with my car**and KILLED HIM."*  *The
blonde says," Don't worry."*  *She runs to her car and pulls out a spray
can. She walks over to the limp, dead Easter Bunny, bends down, and sprays
the contents onto him.*  *The Easter Bunny jumps up, waves its paw at
the**two of them and hops off down the road.*  *Ten feet away he stops,
turns around and waves again, he hop  down the road another 10 feet, turns
and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again
and again and  again and again, until he hops out of sight.*  *The man is
astonished. He runs over to the woman and demands,*  *"What is in that
can?*  *What did you spray on the Easter Bunny ?"*  *The woman turns the
can around so that the man can read the label. It says..*

(Are you ready for this?)*** (You know you're gonna be sorry)* (Last
chance)*
OK, here it is)/
It says,*
"Hair Spray_***
Restores life to dead hair,  and adds permanent wave."*

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Dog with Chinese Name

Whether you own a dog or not, you must appreciate the efforts of this owner
to sell her dog. Look at the picture and then read the sales pitch below.
Dog For Sale.Free to good home.Excellent guard dog.
Owner cannot afford to feed Jethro any more, as there are no more drug
pushers, thieves, murderers, or molesters leftin the neighbourhood for him
to eat.Most of them knew Jethro only by his Chinese street name ...
Ho Lee Schitt.

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'The Big Sneeze.'
 Click here

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Perhaps the Best Political Cartoon In Modern Times and a Fair Comment on
where We stand on this Matter!!
 Click here

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Fwd: OMG - Schwartz is dead!
 Click here

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Croc in our backyard
 Click here

Bit of a surprise this morning after all the rain to find a croc in our
backyard!

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Fun Facts
 Click here
This is big boy playing with trains

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J4U - Elvis commercial from India
 Click here

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Women
 Click here

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Smile..
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It was meant to happen!!!!!!!!!!???????????
 Click here

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DOUCHES AUTOMATIQUES (
 Click here

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Subject:Cool facts?
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here

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Visiting Grandpa
 Click here Click here

A man goes to visit his 85-year-old grandpa in a nursing home.
"How are you grandpa? he asks.
"Feeling fine," says the old man.
"What's the food like?"
"Terrific, wonderful menus."
"And the nursing?"
"Just couldn't be better. These young nurses really take care of you."
"What about sleeping? Do you sleep OK?"
"No problem at all... nine hours solid every night.At 10 o'clock they bring
me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet... and that's it. I go out
like a light."
The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so rushes off to
question the nurse in charge.
"What are you people doing," he says, "I'm told you're giving an
85-year-old Viagra on a daily basis. Surely that can't be true?"
"Oh, yes," replies the nurse. "Every night at 10 o'clock we give him a cup
of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It works wonderfully well. The
chocolate makes him sleep, and the Viagra stops him from rolling out of
bed."

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NOTE...
 Click here

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Japanese supermarket
 Click here

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WHEN YOU THINK YOU HAVE SEEN EVERYTHING
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So you think you know Baseball

So you think you know Baseball, see if you can figure out this puzzle.
 What is the score?
 Scroll down, Rookie!
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

It's 5 to 4, bottom of the fifth, one out and nobody on.

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Happy Easter Humour
 Click here

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Eleven minutes and counting!
 Click here

 A Police Officer was patrolling late at night off the main highway.
 At nearly midnight, he sees a couple in a car, on Lovers' Lane,
 with the interior light brightly glowing.

 He carefully approaches the car to get a closer look.
 Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine.

 He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, filing her
fingernails.
 Puzzled by this surprising situation, the Officer walks to the car and
gently  raps on the driver's window.

 The young man lowers his window. "Uh, yes, Officer?"
 The trooper asks: "What are you doing?

 The young man says: "Well, Officer, I'm reading a magazine."

 Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the  Officer says: "And,
her, what is she doing?"

 The young man shrugs: "Sir, I believe she's filing her fingernails."

 Now, the trooper is totally confused. A young couple, alone, in a car, at
night in Lover's Lane  and nothing obscene is happening!

 The trooper asks: "What's your age, young man?" The young man says: "I'm
22, sir."

 The trooper asks: "And her, what's her age?" The young man looks at his
watch and replies: "She'll be 18 in 11 minutes.

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Photos Censored by Facebook
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

Facebook deleted a photo of a digitally sliced woman showing her breasts
and butt. In October 2012, Australian men's magazine Zoo Weekly posted a
photo of a bikini-clad woman, cut in half at the torso, as part of its
"Left or right?" game, in which the publication asks readers to choose
which side they like better. The "b*obs or butt" photo, which has since
been removed, asked men which half they preferred and why.

Comments from Zoo Weekly fans on the disembodied woman were overtly s*xist.
BuzzFeed posted a screenshot of some of the comments, including "Right
'cause two holes are better than one," and "left 'cause it can still make
me a sandwich." (Source)

Facebook has something against elbows -- at least, elbows that somewhat
resemble bare breasts. That was the conclusion of a recent Facebook
experiment perpetrated by the operators of the Theories of the Deep
Understanding of Things (TOTDUOT) Tumblr, which set out to show the error
of the social media giant's censor-happy ways.

In order to prove their point, the people behind the Tumblr posted a photo
that showed a woman in a bathtub with her elbows propped up on the sudsy
sides. However, at first glance one of the elbows could be confused for the
"giant left breast on a one-armed woman," as the Daily Dot writes. Facebook
only gave it the one glance. Within 24 hours of its posting, the photo was
removed and an email was sent to TOTDUOT, notifying the group that their
picture had violated the site's Statement of Rights and Responsibilities.

After noticing its mistake, Facebook sent a statement to the site
apologizing for the error. (Source)

A furious mother is demanding answers from Facebook as to why they took
down photographs she posted on the site of her son, who was born with a
rare birth defect, and then later banned her from the site altogether.

Grayson James Walker from Memphis, Tennessee was born on February 15, 2012
with Anencephaly, a rare neural tube birth defect which causes a baby to be
born without parts of the brain and skull.

After repeatedly putting the removed picture on her profile, her account
was temporarily disabled. Heather said she has no idea which category the
picture of her child without the hat falls under but has now launched a
protest by posting the picture several times and getting her friends and
family to contact Facebook. (Source)

Facebook has banned the name of an Irish town, labeling it as
“offensive,” which raises questions over whether or not
profanity filters are causing more problems than they solve.

The town, Effin, bears the same spelling as a common alternative to using a
certain “F” word, but it is actually a real place in County
Limerick in Ireland that has existed for hundreds of years.

In fact, the name comes from the Irish pronunciation of Saint Eimhin, a
Bishop from early Irish Christian history.

A University of Limerick employee, Ann Marie Kennedy, has been campaigning
to get her hometown recognized by the social network, because so far it
will not let her enter it onto her profile.

All we can say about this incident is: what an Effin joke. (Source)

An American woman was banned from Facebook after she posted photos of her
son affected with Down's syndrome. The social network, which termed the
pictures "inappropriate," has now apologized.

Diana Cornwell, from North Carolina, posted the photos of her
seven-year-old son competing at a local Special Olympics event on Facebook.
When she next logged on, she received messages from the website monitoring
team that said the pictures violated its user agreement.

Cornwell's account was disabled for three days until she took down the
photos. Facebook later apologized for the incident and said "human error"
was to blame. (Source)

A mother was been banned from Facebook after she uploaded a photo of her
children showing one of them pretending to breastfeed. Lauren Ferrari of
Seattle,WA published the controversial photo on the social networking site.
It displays her five-year-old daughter and her younger sister.

In a few hours, the photo disappeared and Facebook told her it violated the
company's community standards. She is currently banned for a week. US
police say it is an example of "poor parenting." (Source)

An image of two men kissing was removed by Facebook for breaching a decency
code barring images of a "political, s*xual or otherwise sensitive" nature.
The well-known Spanish photographer Juan Hidalgo took the photo for the
Madrid-based Visible Culture group as part of its 'Gay Art Looks For A
Home' initiative and doc*mentary. In its place, the project has put a
"censored" version of the image, shown above.

Later on, a Facebook spokesman contacted Towleroad and said that the photo
has been restored.

"Upon investigation, we concluded the advertisement does not violate our
guidelines and was removed in error. The ad is now running and we apologize
for the inconvenience." (Source)

Another censored photo from an angry Facebook user. (Source)

This is something that has been happening for ages. When a 4 year old boy
and his friend decide to drop their pants and pee on the backyard fence,
one can only hope that they have a camera handy to capture the priceless
shot. So, that is exactly what a mother did. This was hands down the best
picture she had captured during the entire summer so naturally she uploaded
it to Facebook (well Instagram, but that went to Facebook).

You may be wondering why there is a Censored sign over their tushes? Well,
Facebook contacted the woman and requested that she remove the photo
because it was a violation of their terms of service. (Source)

Even the Vatican doesn't have a problem anymore with paintings of a
semi-dressed Virgin Mary nursing the infant Jesus. However, it looks like
Facebook might.

Long criticized for banning photos of members breastfeeding their children,
the popular social networking site repeatedly removed three paintings of
nursing mothers posted by B.C.-based artist Kate Hansen. Part of her
“Madonna and Child Project,” the series was twice bounced off a
Facebook group for portrait and figure artists.

Meanwhile, Facebook replied to the Star‘s queries, saying Hansen's
paintings were “accidentally removed.” Accidentally, three
times. (Source)

Yet again, another breastfeeding photo has been censored from Facebook.
According to Breastfeeding, a support page, Facebook removed this photo
from their wall.

Take a look.
(Source | Via)

Facebook doesn't like bagels. (Source)

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Good Shot & The Pole
 Click here Click here

1 - Good shot on the pool table with smoke

2 - The Vietnamese Police team, climb a building with a Pole

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Amazing Rescues
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

1
Good Samaritans help rescue seven kids from a Central Park pond

During an unseasonably warm day in February 2017, seven minors were rescued
from a pond in Central Park after they suddenly plunged through the ice.

By the time FDNY arrived at the park, the kids, ranging in age from about
ten into the teens, had been pulled out of the water by good Samaritans,
Bennett Jonas and Ethan Turmbull.

The duo was skating nearby when they saw the kids dancing on top of the
ice, then suddenly plunging into the water. Jonas dove in as Turmbull stood
by to grab them. One boy was so far out in the water, Jonas wasn't sure he
would be able to get to him (but he did).

EMS showed up and rendered first aid, though some of the kids were taken to
local hospitals with minor, hypothermia-related injuries. (Source | Photo)

2
The man who defied weather warnings and had to be rescued from a Northern
California jetty

An uninformed and unidentified man defied National Weather Service warnings
about rough seas in Humboldt Bay near Eureka, California, and drove his
truck out onto the North Jetty in January 2017. Almost immediately, the
vehicle and driver became stranded. They were battered by powerful waves
and a couple walking their dog nearby called 911. No one was hurt in the
incident, but the Nissan truck remains stranded. To add insult to injury,
the driver will most likely be charged for his rescue to the tune of an
estimated $8,000 - $15,000.
(Source)

3
The woman who helped rescue a cop from a vicious attack

Baton Rouge, Louisiana resident and good Samaritan Vickie Williams-Tillman,
56, is being hailed as a hero after police say she saw an officer
struggling with a suspect and jumped on the man's back to help the officer
subdue him.

Williams-Tillman was driving to the store one Sunday morning when she
spotted Officer Billy Aime wrestling with the suspect. The suspect had
grabbed Aime's baton and repeatedly bashed him on the head with it.
Williams-Tillman took immediate action—she jumped on the man's back
as police backup arrived and the suspect was apprehended after being shot
with a stun gun. He now faces charges including aggravated battery,
disarming a police officer, assault on a police officer, resisting arrest,
and drug possession.

The BRPD hailed Williams-Tillman on its Facebook page, posting a message of
thanks that went viral with over 7,000 likes and 2,100 shares. (Source)

4
The snowboarder who was saved by fellow thrill-seekers after being buried
in the snow

Snowboarder Mac Jacobson had to be rescued by fellow thrill-seekers after
he was buried under a mountain of snow for 10 minutes.

Jacobson, who's been a snowboarder for 12 years, was on the slopes at Squaw
Valley in California when he fell from a 30ft cliff. He landed on his head,
with his whole body under several feet of snow. His worried friend, Stephen
Boyd, could only see his snowboard which was still attached to his feet.
Boyd, armed with a GoPro, captured the moment he rushed towards Jacobson
and dug him out.
(Source)

5
Rescuers save a woman fused to her chair

Ohio resident Barbara Foster is recovering after she was found "molded" to
a chair she hadn't left for months.

Foster, 75, was found stuck to a chair in her front living room, surrounded
by fecal matter and urine—her skin had merged with the furniture.
She was so tightly molded into the chair that her bones started breaking,
causing her immense pain as she was carried out of her home and transported
to a local hospital.

A volunteer with Our Lady of Lourdes called 911 because Foster was not
acting like herself. He also told police that she had not moved from her
living room chair since July of last year and said he had gotten used to
the home's foul odor. (Source)

6
The driver who sacrificed his own car to save a man's life

The driver of a Tesla Model S, Manfred Kick, was headed down the A9
Autobahn near Garching, Germany, just north of Munich when he saw a car
moving erratically. He moved alongside it and discovered the driver was
limp, unconscious and unable to control the vehicle. Kick pulled his car in
front of the out of control Volkswagen Passat and braked gently until the
vehicles touched. He then slowed it to a stop and called emergency
services. The driver of the Passat was taken to hospital, and was reported
to be in stable condition.

Kick's car suffered around $14,000 in damages, but as a reward for his
heroism, Tesla CEO Elon Musk volunteered to have his car repaired free of
charge.
(Source)

7
The volunteers who rescued over a 100 dogs after a truck overturned with
them inside

In January 2017, a truck carrying over 100 puppies veered off New York
State's Interstate 86 near the Finger Lakes and into a ditch. Officers,
volunteers and a local towing company acted quickly at the scene, while the
Finger Lakes SPCA helped to triage and treat the pups—who (calm your
tail-wagging) are all going to be fine. (Source)

8
The woman who found herself at the bottom of a sinkhole

The rains in California during winter 2017 have been no joke. A woman had
to be rescued from a sinkhole which opened up during an unusually heavy
rainfall in February in Studio City.

Bobby Thompson was driving around at 8 pm when the back tire of his van
became stuck in a sinkhole on Woodbridge Street off of Laurel Canyon
Boulevard. Moments later, Stephanie Scott approached the sinkhole in her
car and fell in. Authorities worked to rescue her minutes later as
Thompson's van dangled above.

"My car kept turning and turning upside down, and I just was like 'I got to
stay calm.' I felt the water coming up, and I reached for the door, and I
opened the door, and I climbed out."

Thompson's van fell completely into the sinkhole crashing into her car
about ten minutes after the rescue. (Source)

9
The athlete who saved a man hanging from a chair lift

A man who got tangled in an Arapahoe Basin chairlift and was hanging
unconscious from his neck was cut down by a professional slackliner who
climbed up a lift tower, slid approximately 30 feet across the lift's cable
and cut him free with a knife tossed from ski patrollers.

The Colorado resort says the man was trying to unload from the three-person
lift when his backpack became entangled in the chair. He was then left
dangling from the chair, and was swept around the bullwheel at the top of
the lift and back down the mountain, at which point the operator shut down
the ride.

Mickey Wilson, a part-time A-Basin ski instructor and pro slackliner,
climbed the chairlift and he reached the unconscious man in about four or
five minutes. Ski patrollers then “perfectly tossed" him a knife.

Wilson cut down the motionless man, who fell about 10-15 feet and it was
all captured video. He said his slacklining experience made the rescue
possible. “The only way I was able to get to him so fast was to climb
the tower and shimmy down the line to him so fast.” (Source)

10
A reporter who rescued a tiny bunny from traffic and the elements

Even the smallest creatures need a leg up now and a again—during
storm coverage in February 2017, Jeff Ehling and photojournalist Mario
Segura pulled over on Highway 290 in Dallas to film a live report as the
rain moved in. While setting up, Jeff spotted a baby rabbit struggling in a
huge puddle, unable to get over the curb. Traffic put the bunny in an even
more precarious position, so Jeff snagged a towel and a box from the live
truck and helped it to dry safety.

The rabbit is doing well, and will be released back into the wild as soon
as the rains let up. (Source)

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Benches from around the World
 Click here

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Gentleman - I think not
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The Flasher
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Wally's Wacky Weekly
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Want a Job? 24 people Required

Researchers at Frances space medical institute, are advertising for what
could be, quite literally, a dream job.They are seeking volunteers to spend
60 days flat on their back, to study the effects of microgravity, a state
of virtual weightlessness, at the Institute for Space Medicine and
Physiology, near Toulouse. The 24 successful candidates, must be willing to
lie on their backs, and do absolutely nothing for two months. Wage: 16,000.
They must be fit and sporty males aged 20-45, who do not smoke, have no
allergies, and boast maximum body mass index of between 22 and 27, will
undergo a battery of tests for two weeks before and after, spending two
months in bed.The idea is to reproduce the weightlessness of the
International Space Station.During the first two weeks our scientists will
do a whole series of tests, and measurements on the volunteers. This will
be followed by a 60-day period during which they must remain in bed, the
head slightly inclined downwards, at less than six degrees.It is all in the
name of science, but they warned the job was tougher than it sounded, and
those tempted to apply would be expected to eat, wash, and perform all
bodily functions, while lying in bed.The rule is to keep at least one
shoulder in contact with the bed or its frame.The final two weeks will be
spent recuperating, and undergoing further tests, to establish the
consequences, of not setting foot to ground for two months.The experiment
aimed to look at the detrimental effects of prolonged weightlessness on the
human body and to find ways of combating them.In certain conditions the
cardiovascular system is affected, and is not capable of making the same
effort as before the experiment. We even see a greater tendency to drops in
blood pressure and vertigo.As with astronauts who have spent a long period
in space, volunteers will experience muscle loss in the lower body, a drop
in bone density, and find it difficult to stand afterwards.Any nationality
tempted to make sleep the final frontier, can apply.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Mega Mech Robots

Everybody knows that theres been a massive, world-view-bending feud,
bubbling up between national superpowers.And that feud is, of course, the
one between two MEGA MECH ROBOTS, Americas MKIII, and Japans KURATAS, who
are set to absolutely destroy each other, with chainsaws and serious
firepower, in what can only be called the robo-apocalyptic event of every
giant-robot lovers dreams.The dream will come true in August of this
year.If youre unfamiliar with MEGA MECH ROBOTS its a giant robot duel for
pride, and title, in front of an audience like Ancient Roman Gladiators
did, but with steel and flamethrowers.Considerable battle upgrades have
been made to both, over the last year, and $500,000 has been raised to kick
start the event.KURATAS notes that giant robots are a Japanese culture, and
that they intend to punch MKIII to scr*p.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Jane Doe or Joanna

Police in California, released photos of a woman, who was found wandering
on the streets naked. Fresno Police asked the public for help in
identifying a woman, who was naked with just a sports bra on, when she was
found wandering a street at 3am one morning. The woman did not give police
much information. She told police that her name was Joanna, and that she is
a mermaid. She told police that her hair was wet, because she had been in a
lake. The woman was taken to a hospital for observation. Police identified
the woman as 5 feet and 4 inches tall, weighing about 150 pounds, brown
eyes, and brown hair, and she has webbed toes on both feet. The woman, said
she came to Fresno last week, as she was contemplating moving there.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sh*t Happens

One can only imagine the expletives uttered by a Bavarian driver, and his
teenage daughter, after a farmer accidentally filled their convertible,
with a trailer full of manure.German police say the incident happened near
the town of Altomuenster, about 30 kilometres, northwest of Munich.The
52-year-old father, and his 14-year-old daughter, were parked by the
roadside, when a tractor pulling a trailer of liquid manure, swung in their
direction. The maneuver sent the entire load, pouring into their Renault
convertible, covering the occupants from head to toe with slurry. Police
said the car is likely to be a write-off.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Only in Chicago

Is Chicago really the Badlands?Neither Kevin Stephenson, the 43 year old,
father, nor Jacob Stephenson, his 22 year old son, who both lived in the
Chicago neighbourhood of Burnside, wanted to take the dog for his afternoon
walk, that day, and so eventually they settled it, by having a gunfight.
Result - Son dead, father critical.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dont Send Erotica to Government

It turns out you shouldn't accidentally send along part of your erotic
story collection, to the state Department of Transportation, especially if
those stories include s*xually explicit language regarding adults,
children, and animals. Bowling Green professor Alan Atalah learned that
hard lesson recently, after a state watchdog group released a report
determining he'd done just that.A state investigation found that after
completing a research project with the Department of Transportation, Atalah
then returned an external hard drive containing research files. Unbeknownst
to him, those files also included explicit material he'd been perusing.
That file was innocuously titled "Conversations.doc."Under questioning by
investigators, Atalah suggested that he didnt write the s*xually explicit
stories, but sometimes read them for his entertainment.

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Tooth Ache Monument

The monument to toothache, created by St. Petersburg artist Mariana
Shumkova, was installed in the Good Dentist Clinic in St.
Petersburg.According to the publication Bumaga, the figure was created with
the use of human teeth, that were removed from patients as part of Teeth
for Health campaign.Shumkova deliberately made the monument frightening and
realistic, with deformed features of the human face, so people will think
about an ordinary thing such as hygiene.Undoubtedly, the most shocking
aspect of the work is the combination of artificial materials, and natural
human teeth.

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Worlds Largest Rubiks Cube

A group of students at the University of Michigan's Engineering program
built, what is believed to be the Worlds largest hand-solvable, stationary
Rubik's Cube. The massive 1,500 pound puzzle was unveiled at the
university's North campus in an event streamed on Facebook Live.Noel
Perkins, a professor of mechanical engineering, who served as an advisor
for the group said. "My dream for the cube would be to bring joy and
inspiration, to anyone who ever uses it and solves it."

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Try, Try Again
Samuel West announced that his Museum of Failure will open in Helsingborg,
Sweden, in June, to commemorate innovation missteps, that might serve as
inspiration for future successes. Among the initial exhibits:
coffee-infused Coca-Cola; the Bic "For Her" pen (because women's
handwriting needs are surely unique); the Twitter Peek (a 2009 device that
does nothing except send and receive tweets -- and with a screen only 25
characters wide); and Harley-Davidson's 1990s line of colognes (in
retrospect, as appealing as oil and gas fumes). West's is not the only
attempt to immortalize failure with a museum. Previous attempts, such as
those in 2004, 2007, 2011, and 2014, all failed miserably. Nobody wants to
be reminded of failures.

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Free Ride from Iraq
Toronto, Ontario, Superior Court Justice Alex Pazaratz finally ridded his
docket of the maddening, freeloading couple, that had quibbled incessantly
about each other. Neither Noora Abdulaali, 32, nor her now-ex-husband,
Kadhim Salih, 43, had ever worked a day in the five years, since they
immigrated from Iraq, having almost immediately gone on disability
benefits, and begun exploiting Legal Aid Toronto in their many attempts to
one-up each other, with restraining orders. Approving the couple's
settlement, Judge Pazaratz added, "The next time anyone at Legal Aid
Ontario tells you they're short of money, don't believe it . ... Not if
they're funding cases like this." The divorced couple left the court,
holding hands.

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Pizza more Expensive

A new restaurant disclosure regulation, mandated by the Affordable Care
Act, is scheduled to start in May, requiring eateries to post calorie
counts for all menu items including variations. Domino’s chief Don
Meij, said the Act was aimed directly at his companies, 34 million calorie
listings. The executive called the regulation, "a 20th-century approach, to
a 21st-century question," since 86% of orders increasingly arrive online,
or by phone. Pizzas will be more expensive, with time being the major
factor, in working out the new calorie listings, for extra pepperoni, or
half, or hold the mushrooms.

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Dirty Dennis does Dirty Business
Dennis Smith, 65, was arrested in Senoia, Georgia, and charged with
stealing dirt from the elderly widow of the man, Smith said had given him
permission to take it. Smith, a "dirt broker," had taken more than 180
dump-truck loads. Smith had no paperwork about any deal or sale, before the
man died.

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Say it with Beef

New for next years Valentine's Day, from the SayItWithBeef.com company: a
bouquet of beef jerky slices, formed to resemble a dozen full roses ($59).
Also available as daisies. Chief selling point: Flowers die quickly, but
jerky is forever.

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Modern Medicine
Harvard Medical School technicians announced a smartphone app, to give
fertility-conscious men an accurate semen analysis, including sperm
concentration, motility, and total count, costing less than $10. Included
is a magnification attachment, and a microfluidic chip. The insertable app
magnifies, and photographs the loaded chip, instantly reporting the
results. To answer the most frequent question: No, semen never touches your
phone. The device still needs Food and Drug Administration approval.

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Smoking Record
According to Billboard magazine, the California reggae rock band Slightly
Stoopid recently produced a vinyl record, that was smokable, by using a
super resinous variety of hashish, mastered at the Los Angeles studio
Capsule Labs. The first two versions' sound quality disappointed, and were
quickly smoked, but a third is in production, and expectations are high.

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Magnificent Evolvers

Human populations in Chile's Atacama desert have apparently developed a
tolerance for ar*enic, 100 times as powerful as the World Health
Organization's maximum safe level, according to recent research by
University of Chile scientists.

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What to Eat for a Healthy Heart

While 80% of Americans age 45 or older, have calcium-cluttered blood veins
(atherosclerosis), about 80%of Bolivian Tsimane hunter-gatherers in the
Amazon, have clean veins, according to a report in the Medical Journal, The
Lancet. Keys for having "the healthiest hearts in the world": walk a lot,
and eat monkey, wild pig, and piranha.

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Spider Prey

Biologists from the University of Basel, Switzerland, writing in the
journal Science of Nature, calculated that the global population of
spiders, consumes between 400 – 800 million tons of prey yearly,
about as much, by weight, as the total of meat and fish, consumed by all
humans.

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Hide & Seek

University of Utah researchers trained surveillance cameras on dead animals
in a local desert, to study scavenger behaviour, and were apparently
astonished to witness the disappearances of two bait cows. Over the course
of five days, according to the biologists' recent journal article, two
different badgers, working around the clock for days, had dug adjacent
holes, and completely buried the cows, for storage or to keep the carcasses
from competitors.

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News You Can Use

A study published in the journal Endocrinology suggested that whole-body
vibration, may be just as effective as regular exercise. The Fine Print:
Vibration was shown only to aid global bone formation, which is not as
useful for some people, as weight loss, which was not studied, and anyway,
the study was conducted on mice. Nonetheless, even for a mouse immobile on
a vibrating machine, muscles contracted and relaxed multiple times per
second. This will soon be useful, when sharpsters learn of the study, and
try to sell gullible humans, a miracle weight-loss machine.

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Legal Maryland goes Wild-1
Prince George's County, Maryland, police officer James Sims, 30, pleaded
guilty to four counts of misdemeanour visual surveillance, with prurient
interest, and was sentenced to probation, although his termination
investigation was still ongoing. His fourth event, said prosecutors, in a
Sports Authority store, was taking an up-skirt photo of a woman who, as
Sims discovered, was also a cop.

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Legal Maryland goes Wild-2

A Worcester County, Maryland, judge fined Ellis Rollins $1,000, and gave
him a suspended sentence, for ostentatious nude dancing, and s*x with his
wife, at an Ocean City, Maryland, hotel window, in view of other people on
holiday. At the time, Rollins was the Cecil County, Maryland's Chief
Prosecutor, but has since resigned.

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Patriotic
Mehgan Merriott and Robert Cooper don't know the gender of their unborn
child, but they're already sure that the baby will be a patriotic American.
Merriott and Cooper, a former marine, say that the 12-week-old baby
"saluted" during a routine ultrasound appointment, earlier this week.

 ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Ghost S*x

A professor at the Auburn University was giving a lecture on Paranormal
Studies.
To get a feel for his audience, he asks, 'How many people here believe in
ghosts?'
About 90 students raise their hands.
Well, that's a good start. Out of those who believe in ghosts, do any of
you think you have seen a ghost?'
About 40 students raise their hands.
That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone
here ever talked to a ghost?'
About 15 students raise their hand.
Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?'
Three students raise their hands.
That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further...Have any of you
ever made love to a ghost?'
Way in the back, Ahmed raises his hand.
The professor takes off his glasses and says 'Son, all the years I've been
giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost.

You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience.'

The Middle Eastern student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make
his way up to the podium.
When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, 'So, Ahmed, tell
us what it's like to have s*x with a ghost?'
Ahmed replied, "Sh*t, from back there I thought you said "Goats."

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A GREAT STORY STORY ... THE ANZACS ...
 Click here

 _Airline Lunches_ I put my carry-on in the luggage  Compartment and sat
down in my  Assigned seat. It wasgoing to be a long flight from Perth. 'I'm
glad I have a good book to read Perhaps I will get a short sleep,' I
thought. Just before take-off, a line of diggers Came down the aisle and
filled all the vacant seats, Totally surrounding me.  I decided to start a
conversation. 'Where are you blokes headed?' I asked the Digger seated
nearest to me. 'Puckapunyal. We'll be there for two weeks For special
training, and then we're being deployed to  Afghanistan .* After flying for
about an hour, An announcement was made that Lunches were available for
five dollars. It would be several Hours before we reached Melbourne , And I
quickly decided a lunch would Help pass the time.. As I reached for my
wallet, I overheard a soldier ask his mate if  He planned to buy lunch.
'No, that seems like a lot of money for Just an airline lunch. Probably
wouldn't be worth five bucks. I'll wait till we get to Pucka.
 His mate agreed. I looked around at the other soldiers. None were buying
lunch.
 I walked to the back of the plane And handed the flight attendant a Fifty
dollar note. 'Take a lunch to all those soldiers.' She grabbed my arms and
squeezed tightly. Her eyes wet with tears, She thanked me. 'My young bloke
was a digger in Iraq , it's almost like you are doing it for him.' Picking
up ten lunchboxes, She headed up the aisle to where the  Digs were seated. 
She stopped at my seat and asked, 'Which do you  Like best - beef or
chicken?' 'Chicken,' I replied, wondering Why she asked. She turned and
went to the frontof plane, returning a minute  Later with a dinner plate
from first class. This is your thanks. After we finished eating, I went
again to the back of the plane,  Headingfor the rest room. An old bloke
stopped me. 'I saw what you did. I want to be part of it. Here, take this.'
 He handed me twenty-five  Dollars.. Soon after I returned to myseat, I saw
the Captain coming  Down the aisle, lookingat the aisle numbers as he
walked, I hoped he wasn't lookingfor me, but noticed he was looking at the
numbers  Only on my side of the plane.. When he got to my row he stopped,
smiled,  Held out his hand, and said,
 'I want to shake your hand.'
 Quickly unfastening my seat-beltI stood and took the  Captain's hand. With
a booming voice he said,*'I was an army pilot a long  time back.. Once
someone bought me lunch. It was an act of kindness I never forgot.' I was
embarrassed when applause Was heard from all of the passengers. Later I
walked to the front of the plane So I could stretch my legs. A kid who
looked about 18 was sitting about Six rows in front of me reached out his
hand, wanting to shake  mine. He left another twenty-five dollars  In my
palm. When we landed I gathered my**belongings and started to  depart. 
Waiting just inside the aeroplane door was a man who stopped  me, put 
Something in my shirt pocket, turned, and walked away without  saying a
word.  Another twenty-five dollars!

 Upon entering the terminal,  I saw the soldiers gathering for their  Trip
to up to Puckapunyal. I walked over to them and handed Them seventy-five
dollars. 'It will take you some time to Reach Pucka. It will be About time
for a sandwich. God Bless You Blokes.' Ten young blokes left that flight
feeling The love and respect of their fellow Aussies.
 As I walked briskly to my car, I whispered a prayer for their*safe
return.These soldiers were Giving their all for our country. I could only
give them a couple of meals.
 It seemed so little.... A digger is someone who, At one point in his life,
wrote a blank  Cheque made payable to ' AUSTRALIA' For an amount of 'up to
and including my life.'

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New BBQ apron you will have to get one
 Click here

 ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

ADVICE FROM A CACTUS
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

 ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

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[ End friday humour ]

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