Friday humour - April 14, 2017

[from Steve @ Bluehaze]

The Donald is going to extremes to create distractions now. But it worked!!

This weeks bumper crop provided by Arfermo, Burnout, Digi Steve, Duke of
Barsinov, KRP, Sack, Seasoldier, Wally, and Whizzbang.

Enjoy!

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There were three prostitutes living together, a mother, daughter and
grandmother. One night the daughter came home looking very down. "How did
you get on tonight Dear?" asked her mother. "Not too good," replied the
daughter. "I only got $20 for a bl*w job." "Wow!" said the mother,
"In my day we gave a bl*w job for 50 cents!" "Good God!" said the
Grandmother. "In my day we were just glad to get something warm in our
stomachs!"

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Mother Theresa
 Click here
Theresa May severs ties with the EU

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I Love You In 10 Languages

You are never  too old to learn something new.

Here is today's lesson:

I LOVE YOU IN 10 LANGUAGES

English
I Love You

Spanish
Te Amo

French
Je T'aime

German
Ich Liebe Dich

Japanese
Ai Sh*te Imasu

Italian
Ti Amo

Chinese
Wo Ai Ni

Swedish
Jag Alskar Dig

Lithuanian
As Tave Meliu

Alabama, Arkansas, Oklahoma, Texas, Louisiana, South Carolina, Georgia,
Tennessee, Florida, Mississippi , Kentucky, North Carolina, West Virginia.
and Queensland Australia
Nice Tits. Get in the Truck.

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Military dog

 Click here
I noticed she didn't give him any visible treats during the performance
either.
Really excellent!!  What a well-trained dog and a great routine!!

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Jog Strap
 Click here

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BLACK ROBBERS (A true story)

On a recent weekend in Atlantic City , a woman won a bucketful of quarters
at a slot machine.
She took a break from the slots for dinner with her husband in the hotel
dining room. But first she wanted to stash the quarters in her room.
'I'll be right back and we'll go to eat' she told her husband and carried
the coin-laden bucket to the elevator.
As she was about to walk into the elevator she noticed two men already
aboard.
Both were black. One of them was very tall and had an intimidating figure.
The woman froze. Her first thought was: 'These two are going to rob me.
Her next thought was: 'Don't be a bigot, they look like perfectly nice
gentlemen.' But racial stereotypes are powerful, and fear immobilized her.
Avoiding eye contact, she turned around stiffly and faced the elevator
doors as they closed.
A second passed, and then another second, and then another. Her fear
increased!
The elevator didn't move.
Panic consumed her.
'My God' she thought, I'm trapped and about to be robbed!
Her heart plummeted.
Perspiration poured from every pore.
Then one of the men said, 'Hit the floor.'
Instinct told her to do what they told her.
The bucket of quarters flew upwards as she threw out her arms and collapsed
on the elevator floor. A shower of coins rained down on her.
'Take my money and spare me', she prayed.
More seconds passed.
She heard one of the men say politely, 'Ma'am, if you'll just tell us what
floor you're going to, we'll push the button.
The one who said it had a little trouble getting the words out. He was
trying mightily to hold in a belly laugh.
The woman lifted her head and looked up at the two men.
They reached down to help her up.
Confused, she struggled to her feet. 'When I told my friend here to hit the
floor,' said the average sized one, I meant that he should hit the elevator
button for our floor. I didn't mean for you to hit the floor, ma'am.'
He spoke genially. He bit his lip. It was obvious he was having a hard time
not laughing.
The woman thought: 'My God, what a spectacle I've made of myself.'
She was too humiliated to speak..
The three of them gathered up the strewn quarters and refilled her bucket.
When the elevator arrived at her floor they then insisted on walking her to
her room.
She seemed a little unsteady on her feet, and they were afraid she might
not make it down the corridor.
At her door they bid her a good evening..
As she slipped into her room she could hear them roaring with laughter as
they walked back to the elevator.
The woman brushed herself off. She pulled herself together and went
downstairs for dinner with her husband.
The next morning flowers were delivered to her room; a dozen roses.
Attached to EACH rose was a crisp one hundred-dollar bill.
The card said: 'Thanks for the best laugh we've had in years.
It was signed: Eddie Murphy & Michael Jordan

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Receptionist

Last Friday I had an appointment to see the urologist for a prostate exam.

Of course, I was a bit on edge because all my friends have either gone
under the knife or had those pellets implanted.

The waiting room was filled with patients.

As I approached the receptionist's desk, I noticed that she was a large
unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler.

I gave her my name, and in a very loud voice, she said,

YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE. YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE,
RIGHT?

All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at
me, a now very embarrassed man.

But I recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied:

NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A S*X CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE
SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS.

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Clever stuff
 Click here
How clever is that?

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Yeah, sure.
 Click here

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Toilet Not Used Very Often
 Click here

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 Oh Canada... sung by an American
 Click here

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I'm Having a baby
 Click here

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Beste vrouw van de wereld
 Click here

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Yes, it's Bob!
 Click here

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Hammer
 Click here

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Honest Tradie
 Click here
Noticed parked near Bunnings

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This is quite incredible.
 Click here

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RAINY DAY HUMOUR !!!!

Three little ducks go into a bar...

'Say, what's your name?' the bartender asked the first duck.

'Huey,' was the reply.

'How's your day been, Huey?'

'Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What
else could a duck want?' said Huey.

'Oh. That's nice,' said the bartender. He turned to the second duck, 'Hi,
and what's your name?'

'Dewey,' came the answer from duck number two.

'So how's your day been, Dewey! ?' he asked.

'Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and out of puddles all day
myself. What else could a duck want?'

The bartender turned to the third duck and said, 'So, you must be Louie?'

'No,' she said, batting her eyelashes.

'My name is Puddles.'

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Wonderfully British ...
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here

On a train from London to Manchester, an American was berating the
Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment.
"The trouble with you English is that you are too stuffy.  You set
yourselves apart too much.  You think your stiff upper lip makes you above
the rest of us.
Look at me... I'm me!  I have a little Italian in me, a bit of Greek blood,
a little Irish and some Spanish blood.  What do you say to that?"
The Englishman lowered his newspaper, looks over his glasses and replied,
"How very sporting of your mother!"

At dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table, took his
wife's hand in his and said, "Martha, soon we will be married 50 years, and
there's something I have to know. In all of these 50 years, have you ever
been unfaithful to me?"

Martha replied, "Well Henry, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I've been
unfaithful to you three times during these 50 years, but always for a good
reason.

Henry was obviously hurt by his wife's confession, but said, "I never
suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by 'good reasons?'"

Martha said, "The first time was shortly after we were married, and we were
about to lose our little house because we couldn't pay the mortgage. Do you
remember that one evening I went to see the banker and the next day he
notified you that the loan would be extended?"
 Henry recalled the visit to the banker and said, "I can forgive you for
that. You saved our home, but what about the second time?"

Martha asked, "And do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn't
have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went to see
your doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at no charge."

"I recall that," said Henry. "And you did it to save my life, so of course
I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time."

"All right," Martha said. "So do you remember when you ran for president of
your golf club, and you needed 73 more votes?

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Newer church signs.....
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here

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Old Aged Pensioners....

Mike and Yvonne were 85 years old and had been married for sixty years.
Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they
carefully watched their pennies.

Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to
Yvonne's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.

One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a vacation and
their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.

They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took
them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully
stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen
hanging their favorite clothes in the closet. They gasped in astonishment
when he said, 'Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now.'
Mike asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. 'Why, nothing,' Peter
replied, 'remember, this is your reward in Heaven.'
Mike looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf
course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth..
'What are the greens fees?,' grumbled Mike..
'This is heaven,' St. Peter replied. 'You can play for free, every day.'

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch.
'Don't even ask,' said St. Peter to Mike. This is Heaven, it is all free
for you to enjoy.'

Mike looked around and nervously asked Yvonne 'Well, where are the low fat
and low cholesterol foods and the decaffeinated tea?'

'That's the best part,' St. Peter replied. 'You can eat and drink as much
as you like and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!'

'No gym to work out at?' said Mike

'Not unless you want to,' was the answer.

'No testing my sugar or blood pressure or...'

'Never again'

Mike glared at Yvonne and said, 'You and your F#####g  Bran Flakes. We
could have been here years ago!'

Have A Happy Life And Give someone A Smile.

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Wally
Planes & Trains
 Click here Click here
Gisborne Airport, is a regional airport that is situated on the western
outskirts of Gisborne, New Zealand. It is one of the very few airports in
the world, that has a railway line intersecting the runway. The airport has
one main runway, which is crossed by the Palmerston North-Gisborne Railway
Line. The airport also has a single terminal.

Tasmania's Wynyard Airport also has a railway crossing on the runway. The
rail route functions between 6:30am in the morning, and 8:30pm at night.

One of the more appealing aspects of the railway line? When it passes
directly on top of the runway, trains have to stop for clearance from the
air traffic control, to cross and continue down the line.

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Links & Photos
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here

Kids Cut Their Hair
 Click here

7 X World's Best Luxury Cars (as at Mar 2017)
 Click here

Google Self-Driving Bike
 Click here

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Rules for Bank Robbers

According to the FBI, most modern-day bank robberies are unsophisticated
and unprofessional crimes, committed by young male repeat offenders, who
apparently don't know the first thing about their business.  This
information was included in an interesting, amusing article titled "How Not
to Rob a Bank,"  by Tim Clark, which appeared in the 1987 edition of The
Old Farmers Almanac.  Clark reported that in spite of the widespread use of
surveillance cameras, 76% of bank robbers use no disquise, 86% never study
the bank before robbing it, and 95% make no long-range plans for concealing
the loot.  Thus, he offered this advice to would-be bank robbers, along
with examples of what can happen, if the rules aren't followed:

1. Pick the right bank.  Clark advises that you don't follow the lead of
the fellow in Anaheim, California, who tried to hold up a bank, that was no
longer in business, and had no money.  On the other hand, you don't want to
be too familiar with the bank.  A Californian robber ran into his mother,
while making his getaway.  She turned him in.

2. Approach the right teller.  Granted, Clark says, this is harder to plan.
 One teller in Springfield, Massachusetts, followed the holdup man out of
the bank, and down the street, until she saw him go into a restaurant.  She
hailed a passing police car, and the police picked him up.  Another teller
was given a holdup note by a robber, and her father, who was next in line,
wrestled the man to the ground, and sat on him until authorities arrived.

3. Don't sign your demand note.  A demand note was written on the back of a
subpoena issued in the name of a bank robber in Pittsburgh, another in
Detroit, on an envelope bearing the name and address of the robber's
mother, and in East Hartford, Connecticut, on the back of a withdrawal
slip, giving the robber's signature, and account number.

4. Beware of dangerous vegetables.  A man in White Plains, New York, tried
to hold up a bank with a zucchini.  The police captured him at his house,
where he showed them his “weapon.�

5. Avoid being fussy.  A robber in Panorama City, California, gave a teller
a note saying, "I have a gun.  Give me all your twenties in this envelope."
 The teller said, "All I've got is two twenties."  The robber took them,
and left.

6. Don't advertise.  A holdup man thought, that if he smeared mercury
ointment on his face, it would make him invisible to the cameras. 
Actually, it accentuated his features, giving authorities a much clearer
picture.  Bank robbers in Minnesota and California tried to create a
diversion, by throwing stolen money out of the windows of their cars.  They
succeeded only in drawing  attention to themselves.

7. Take right turns only.  Avoid the sad fate of the thieves in Florida,
who took a wrong turn, and ended up on the Homestead Air Force Base.  They
drove up to a military police guardhouse and, thinking it was a garage, and
offered the security men money to store their car.

8. Provide your own transportation.  It is not clever to borrow the
teller's car, which she carefully described to police.  This resulted in
the most quickly solved bank robbery, in the history of Pittsfield,
Massachusetts

9. Don't be too sensitive.  In these days of exploding dye packs, stuffing
the cash into your pants, can lead to embarrassing stains, Clark points
out, not to mention severe burns in sensitive places, as bank robbers in
San Diego and  Boston painfully discovered.

10. Consider another line of work.  One nervous Newport, Rhode Island,
robber, while trying to stuff his ill-gotten gains into his shirt pocket,
shot himself in the head, and died instantly.  Then there was the case of
the hopeful criminal in Swansea, Massachuetts, who, when the teller told
him she had no money, fainted.  He was still unconscious when the police
arrived.

In view of such ineptitude, it is not surprising that, federal and state
officers, made arrests in 69%, of all bank holdups reported.

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VW Limousine
 Click here Click here Click here

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Dilemma

A STUDENT ASKED HIS ENGLISH PROFESSOR,

"WHAT IS THE DEFINITION OF A DILEMMA?"

THE PROFESSOR SAID, "WELL, THERE'S NOTHING BETTER THAN AN EXAMPLE TO
ILLUSTRATE THAT."

"IMAGINE THAT YOU ARE LYING IN A BIG BED WITH A BEAUTIFUL, VERY AROUSED
NAKED YOUNG WOMAN ON ONE SIDE, AND AN EXCITED GAY MAN ON THE OTHER."

"WHO ARE YOU GOING TO TURN YOUR BACK ON?"

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Links & Photos
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

That's a Moran (Oldie)
 Click here

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Future Transport
 Click here

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Airlines
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

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The Kremlin
 Click here

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 PLAN 2 - GO DONALD
 Click here

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My New Car
 Click here

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Why men don't confiscate their wife's mobile phone.
 Click here

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      Ah-the-eah the-eah That's All (for this week) Folks!


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[ End friday humour ]

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