Friday humour - March 31, 2017

Friday Humour for this week is from contributors Anonymous 3, Burnout, Duke
of Barsinov, KRP, Nottingham Smithie, Sack, Seasoldier, Wally and
Whizzbang.

To your health and your humour!

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Oldest Footage of London Ever - YouTube
 Click here

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The best sermons are lived, not preached, and here are a few

1. Today, I interviewed a grandmother for part of a research paper I'm
working on for my Psychology class. When I asked her to define success in
her own words, she said, "Success is when you look back at your life and
the memories make you smile."

2. Today, I asked  my mentor - a very successful business man in his 70s -
what his top 3 tips are for success. He smiled and said, "Read something no
one else is reading, think something no one else is thinking, and do
something no one else is doing."

3. Today, after a 72 hour shift at the fire station, a woman ran up to me
at the grocery store and gave me a hug. When I tensed up, she realized I
didn't recognize her. She let go with tears of joy in her eyes and the most
sincere smile and said, "On 9-11-2001, you carried me out of the World
Trade Center."

4. Today, after I watched my dog get run over by a car, I sat on the side
of the road holding him and crying. And just before he died, he licked the
tears off my face.

5. Today at 7AM, I  woke up feeling ill, but decided I needed the money,
so I went into work. At 3PM I got laid off. On my drive home I got a flat
tire. When I went into the trunk for the spare, it was flat too. A man in a
BMW pulled over,

gave me a ride, we chatted, and then he offered me a job. I start tomorrow.

6. Today, as my father, three brothers, and two sisters stood around my
mother's  hospital bed, my mother uttered her last coherent words before
she died. She simply said, "I feel so loved right now. We should have
gotten together like this more often." YES, WE SHOULD!

7. Today, I kissed  my dad on the forehead as he passed away in a small
hospital bed. About 5 seconds after he passed, I realized it was the first
time I had given him a kiss since I was a little boy.

8. Today, in the  cutest voice, my 8-year-old daughter asked me to start
recycling. I chuckled and asked, "Why?" She replied, "So you can help me
save the planet." I chuckled again and asked, "And why do you want to save
the planet?" Because that's where I keep all my stuff," she said.

9. Today, when I witnessed a 27-year-old breast cancer patient laughing
hysterically at her 2-year-old daughter's antics, I suddenly realized that
I need to stop complaining about my life and start celebrating it again.

10. Today, a boy in a wheelchair saw me desperately struggling on crutches
with my broken leg and offered to carry my backpack and books for me. He
helped me all the way across campus to my class and as he was leaving he
said,

"I hope you feel better soon."

11. Once, I was traveling in Kenya and I met a refugee from Zimbabwe. He
said he hadn't eaten anything in over 3 days and looked extremely skinny
and unhealthy. Then my friend offered him the rest of the sandwich hewas
eating.

The first thing the man said was, "We can share it."

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The Daily Mail

This is brilliant for a laugh with a lot of truth in it too.
 Click here

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Monster Truck Front Flip

Brave man; said to be the first time that this has been done.

He did put it upside down about 20 seconds later, though;
 Click here

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Driving Test this is real fun,,,, good luck !!

Reaction test
Have fun with this reaction test to stopping a car. They will predict your
age based on how quickly you stop.

This  simulates you in the driver's seat of a car. You're driving down a
road, when you see a big red hand flash in front of you. You have to put on
the brakes. Then, the Reaction Time Test tells you how old you are, when it
comes to driving.
The  test is based on reaction times of 2,000 people ages 18 and over. The
Reaction Time Test plotted their reaction times by age; it matches your
reaction time to those averages.
Some  of their results may surprise you. The Reaction Time Test found that
left-handed people and men have slightly better reaction times than the
average person.
Click  on me

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Joke: Growing Tomatoes

A Mature and well Educated woman loved her vegie patch and particularly
growing tomatoes, but couldn't seem to get her tomatoes to turn red. One
day,
while taking a stroll, she came upon a gentleman neighbour who had the most
beautiful garden full of huge bright Red tomatoes. The woman asked the
gentlemen, What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?"

The gentlemen responded, "Well, I know this will sound strange , but twice
a day I stand in front of my tomato garden naked in my trench coat and
flash them. My tomatoes turn red from blushing so much."  Some body else
told me  this and I don't know why but it seems to work.

 Well, the woman thanked the man and as she walks away she thinks to
herself this is absolutely ridiculous but at the same time she is so
impressed; she decides to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to
see if it would work. So twice a day for two weeks she flashed her garden
hoping for the best

One day the gentleman was passing by and asked the woman,
“By the way, how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?"

No", she replied,"but my cuc*mbers are enormous."

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Patience of a Grandfather

Surprise ending to this one

A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved
3-year- old grandson.

It's obvious to her that he has his hands full with the child screaming for
candy in the candy aisle, cookies in the cookie aisle and for fruit, cereal
and soda in the other aisles.

Meanwhile, Grandpa is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice,
"Easy William, we won't be long . . . easy, boy."

Another outburst and she hears the grandpa calmly say, "It's okay, William,
just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, boy"

At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart and
Grandpa says again in a controlled voice, "William, William, relax buddy,
don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes, stay cool, William."

Very impressed, the woman goes outside where the grandfather is loading his
groceries and the boy into the car. She says to the elderly man, "It's none
of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it.
That whole time you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and
disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying 'things would be okay.'
William is very lucky to have you as his grandpa."

"Thanks," said the grandpa, "but I'm William. The little sh*t's name is
Kevin.

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Newfie Romance

A Newfie rings his new girlfriend's door bell, with a big bunch of flowers.
 She opens the door, sees the flowers, gives him a big hug and kiss and
drags him in.

She lies back on the couch, pulls her skirt up, rips off her panties,
spreads her legs and says,'This is for the flowers!'

'Don't be silly,' says the Newfie, 'You must have a vase somewhere!'

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Subject: Moral

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to
tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day, the kids
came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.

There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved.
But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only Janie was
left.

"Janie, do you have a story to share?"

'Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mummy. She was a Marine pilot
in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy
territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival
knife.

She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and
then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops. She
shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four
more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last
Iraqi with her bare hands."

''Good Heavens,' said the horrified teacher. What did your Daddy tell you
was the moral to this horrible story?"

"Don't f**k with Mummy when she's been on the p*ss."

I love these touching stories!

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Mexican Oysters

A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in
Mexico.

While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking
platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the
smell was wonderful.

He asked the waiter, 'What is that you just served?'

The waiter replied, 'Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called
Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A
delicacy!'

The cowboy said, 'What the heck, bring me an order.'

The waiter replied, 'I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day
because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and
place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy.'

The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening
was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites,
inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, 'These are
delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve
yesterday.'

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si, Senor.

Sometimes the bull wins."

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*"THE BLOND AND THE COW" *

A blonde city girl named Amy
marries a Colorado rancher. One morning, on his way out to check on the
cows, the rancher says to Amy, 'The insemination man is coming over to
impregnate one of our cows today, so I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just
above where the cow's stall is in the barn. Please show him where the cow
is when he gets here, OK?'
The rancher leaves for the fields. After a while, the artificial
insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door.
Amy takes him down to the barn.
They walk along the row of cows and when Amy sees the nail, she tells him,
'This is the one right here.' The man, assuming he is dealing with an air
head blonde,
asks, 'Tell me lady, 'cause I'm dying to know; how would YOU know that this
is the right cow to be bred?' 'That's simple," she said. "By the nail
that's over its stall,' she explains very confidently. Laughing rudely at
her, the man says,
'And what, pray tell, is the nail for?'
The blond turns to walk away and says sweetly over her shoulder,
'I guess it's to hang your pants on.' (It's nice to see a blonde winning
once in a while.)

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How to Change a Lightbulb

*Can't imagine how he was able to climb that high but **SOMEBODY has to
change that light bulb!*

I watched with shivers
 Click here

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Link for 630am Tue

Not sur if anyone is interested, but the International Space Station is
flying down the QLD coastline tomorrow morning at about 6:30am. It has
cameras on the outside of it, so you would be able to get a quick live view
of TC Debbie from space.
 Click here

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XX for language   Cyclone warnings for NQ XX

UPDATE... cyclone due to hit the coast anywhere between Cape York &
Brisbane ... possibly during the day ... or night time. Expected windspeed
somewhere between "blowing the curtains in front of the TV" &
"f*ck, there goes the roof" .... stay indoors, except when windspeed
reaches "f*ck there goes the roof" ..... (Go to neighbour with roof) they
should also have 20 loaves of bread they grabbed from woolies yesterday and
10 cartons of fresh milk that has started to turn cos the power went out a
few hours ago...

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The Bargain

Two Kiwis, Trevor and Jeanette, are walking down a street in Bondi in
Sydney.
Trevor happens to look in one of the shop windows and sees a sign that
catches his eye.
It says 'Suits $10.00 each, Shirts $4.00 each, Trousers $5.00 a pair'

Trevor says to his pal, 'Jeanette, look!  We could buy a whole lot of
those, and whin we get beck to InZid,

we could make a fortune. Now whin we go unto the shop, you be quiet, okay?
Just lit me do all the talking cause uf they hear our accint, they might
not be nice to us. I'll speak in my bist Aussie accint.�
'No worries, smiled Jeanette,I'll keep my mouth shut.'

They go in and Trevor says,

'I'll take fufty suits et $10.00 each, 100 shirts et $4.00 each, and fufty
pairs of trousers et $5.00 each.
I'll beck up my truck and...' The owner of the shop interrupts, 'You're
from New Zealand, aren't you?'
'Well... Yis,' says a surprised Trevor. 'How the hill dud you know thet?'

The owner says, 'This is a dry cleaners!'.

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 File links:
 Click here

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Brilliant Beijing Hotel Brochure !!

The translation is not perfect but very humorous.

Brilliant Beijing Hotel Brochure - Translated as only they can.

A friend went to Beijing recently and was given this brochure by the hotel.
It is precious.

She is keeping it and reading it whenever she feels depressed.

Obviously, it has been translated directly, word for word from Mandarin to
English.

Getting There :
Our representative will make you wait at the airport. The bus to the hotel
runs along the lake shore. Soon you will feel pleasure in passing water.
You will know that you are getting near the hotel, because you will go
round the bend. The manager will await you in the entrance hall. He always
tries to have intercourse with all new guests.

The Hotel:
This is a family hotel, so children are very welcome. We of course are
always pleased to accept adultery. Highly skilled nurses are available in
the evenings to put down your children. Guests are invited to conjugate in
the bar and expose themselves to others. But please note that ladies are
not allowed to have babies in the bar. We organize social games, so no
guest is ever left alone to play with them self.

The Restaurant:
Our menus have been carefully chosen to be ordinary and unexciting. At
dinner, our quartet will circulate from table to table, and fiddle with
you.

Your Room:
Every room has excellent facilities for your private parts. In winter,
every room is on heat. Each room has a balcony offering views of
outstanding obscenity! .. You will not be disturbed by traffic noise, since
the road between the hotel and the lake is used only by pederasts.

Bed:
Your bed has been made in accordance with local tradition. If you have any
other ideas please ring for the chambermaid. Please take advantage of her.
She will be very pleased to squash your shirts, blouses and underwear. If
asked, she will also squeeze your trousers.

Above All: When you leave us at the end of your holiday, you will have no
hope. You will struggle to forget it.

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ARTWORK: Cut By Hand with a Surgical Knife
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here

How amazing is this!!!

Maude White is an incredible paper cutting artist from Buffalo, New York.
She uses a surgical knife to make precise cuts into paper that play with
positive and negative space.
In  an interview with Art Voice, White says she enjoys the challenge and
permanence of paper cutting, where an artist must live with every knife
stroke. Once a cut has been made, there's no going  back.

Above you will find a small gallery of Maude's intricate designs.

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Next generation
 Click here Click here Click here
And the best
 Click here

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DON'T MESS WITH A BUFFALO!!
 Click here

Don't mess with a buffalo....!    [Persist with the jumpy video in the
middle.]

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Speed camera
 Click here

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Lunch in the USA
 Click here

Courtesy of a Canadian friend

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Calling in sick (caution, a little rude)

We've  all had trouble with our animals, but I don't think anyone can top
this  one:

Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my
excuse, I always get the feeling that my boss thinks I'm  lying.

On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway, because the
truth was just too darned humiliating. I simply  mentioned that I had
sustained a head injury, and I hoped I would feel up  to coming in the next
day By then, I reasoned, I could think up a doozy  to explain the bandage
on the top of my head. The accident occurred mainly because I had given in
to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty.
Initially, the new acquisition was no problem.

Then  one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my
wife,  Deb, call out to me from the kitchen.

'Honey! The garbage disposal  is dead again. Please come reset it.'

'You know where the button  is,' I protested through the shower
pitter-patter and steam. 'Reset it  yourself!'

'But I'm scared!' she persisted. 'What if it starts  going and sucks me
in?'

There was a meaningful pause and then,  'C'mon, it'll only take you a
second.'

So out I came, dripping wet  and butt naked, hoping that my silent outraged
nudity would make a  statement about how I perceived her behaviour as
extremely cowardly.

Sighing loudly, I squatted down and stuck my head under the sink  to find
the button. It is the last action I remember performing.

It struck without warning, and without any respect to my circ*mstances. No,
it wasn't the hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It
was our new kitty, who discovered the fascinating dangling objects she
spied hanging between my legs. She had been poised  around the corner and
stalked me as I reached under the sink. And, at the  precise moment when I
was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I  unwittingly offered and
snagged them with her needle-like claws. I lost  all rational thought to
control orderly bodily movements, blindly rising  at a violent rate of
speed, with the full weight of a kitten hanging from  my masculine region.

Wild animals are sometimes faced with a  'fight or flight' syndrome. Men,
in this predicament, choose only the  'flight' option. I know this from
experience. I was fleeing straight up  into the air when the sink and
cabinet bluntly and forcefully impeded my  ascent.
The impact knocked me out cold..

When I awoke, my wife  and the paramedics stood over me.

Now there are not many things in  this life worse than finding oneself
lying on the kitchen floor butt naked  in front of a group of 'been-there,
done-that' paramedics.
Even worse,  having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics were all
snorting loudly as they tried to conduct their work, all the while trying
to suppress their hysterical laughter......and not succeeding.

Somehow I lived through it all. A few days later I finally made it  back in
to the office, where colleagues tried to coax an explanation out  of me
about my head injury. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to  talk
about, which it was.

'What's the matter?' They all asked,  'Cat got your tongue?'
If they only knew!

Why is it that only the women laugh at this?

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Chinese S*x talk......Comedy
 Click here

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This guy knows his Bible....
 Click here

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Once again discrimination rears its ugly head
 Click here

Once again discrimination rears its ugly head

Will it never end?...

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Crack Your Neck and Feel Better [XXX]

Hey, this  really works.  A friend sent it to me.

My neck popped a couple times and I felt better right away.

You're gonna thank me for this.

REHAB FOR YOUR  NECK..

Are you one of  those people that spends hours in front of a computer?

Do you end up  with a sore butt and stiff back, neck & shoulders?

Here's an  excellent exercise that will benefit you!
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here

Did it  help?  Is your neck feeling better?

I thought so.

You're  welcome.

Just another service I do for Friends!!!

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Last nickel

A father walked into a restaurant with his young son.  He gave the young
boy 3 nickels to play with to keep him occupied.
Suddenly, the boy started choking, going blue in the face.  The father
realized the boy had swallowed the nickels and started slapping him on the
back.  The boy coughed up 2 of the nickels, but kept choking.
Looking at his son, the father panicked, shouting for help.
A well-dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman in a blue business
suit was sitting at the coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of
coffee.

At the sound of the commotion, she looked up, put her coffee cup down,
neatly folded the newspaper and placed it on the counter, got up from her
seat and made her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.
Reaching the boy, the woman carefully dropped his pants, took hold of the
boy's testicles and started to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then
ever so firmly.
After a few seconds the boy convulsed violently and coughed up the last
nickel, which the woman deftly caught in her free hand.
Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman handed the nickel to the father
and walked back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.
As soon as he was sure that his son had suffered no ill effects, the father
rushed over to the woman and started thanking her saying, "I've never seen
anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic.  Are you a doctor?
"
"No," the woman replied, "I'm with the Revenue Canada."

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Links & Photos
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

Links & Photos

Lovefield (Excellent short film - Great Ending)
 Click here

10 Great Walks of Australia
 Click here

Colourful Colorado
 Click here

Mansions in California
 Click here

Inside a Volcano (Google Street View)
 Click here

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2 Stories

STORY NUMBER ONE

Many years ago, Al Capone virtually owned Chicago.  Capone wasn't famous
for anything heroic.  He was notorious for enmeshing the windy city in
everything, from bootlegged booze, to murder and prostitution.

Capone had a lawyer nicknamed "Easy Eddie."  He was Capone's lawyer for a
good reason.  Eddie was very good!  In fact, Eddie's skill at legal
manoeuvring, kept Big Al out of jail for a long time.

To show his appreciation, Capone paid him very well.  Not only was the
money big, but Eddie got special dividends, as well.  For instance, he and
his family occupied a fenced-in mansion with live-in help, and all of the
conveniences of the day.  The estate was so large that it filled an entire
Chicago City block.

Eddie lived the high life of the Chicago mob, and gave little consideration
to the atrocity that went on around him.

Eddie did have one soft spot, however.  He had a son that he loved dearly. 
Eddie saw to it that his young son had clothes, cars, and a good education.
 Nothing was withheld.  Price was no object.

And, despite his involvement with organized crime, Eddie even tried to
teach him right from wrong.  Eddie wanted his son to be a better man than
he was.

Yet, with all his wealth and influence, there were two things he couldn't
give his son; he couldn't pass on a good name, or a good example.

One day, Easy Eddie reached a difficult decision.  Easy Eddie wanted to
rectify wrongs he had done.

He decided he would go to the authorities, and tell the truth about Al
Capone, clean up his tarnished name, and offer his son some resemblance of
integrity.  To do this, he would have to testify against The Mob, and he
knew that the cost would be great.  But, he testified.

Within the year, Easy Eddie's life ended in a blaze of gunfire on a lonely
Chicago Street.  But in his eyes, he had given his son the greatest gift he
had to offer, at the greatest price he could ever pay.  Police removed from
his pockets a rosary, a crucifix, a religious medallion, and a poem clipped
from a magazine.

The poem read: "The clock of life is wound but once, and no man has the
power to tell just when the hands will stop, at late or early hour.  Now is
the only time you own.  Live, love, toil with at will.  Place no faith in
time.  For the clock may soon be still."

STORY NUMBER TWO

World War II produced many heroes. One such man was Lieutenant Commander
Butch O'Hare.

He was a fighter pilot assigned to the aircraft carrier Lexington in the
South Pacific.

One day his entire squadron was sent on a mission.  After he was airborne,
he looked at his fuel gauge, and realized that someone had forgotten to top
off his fuel tank.

He would not have enough fuel to complete his mission, and get back to his
ship.

His flight leader told him to return to the carrier.  Reluctantly, he
dropped out of formation, and headed back to the fleet.

As he was returning to the mother ship, he saw something that turned his
blood cold; a squadron of Japanese aircraft was speeding its way toward the
American-fleet.

The American fighters were gone on a sortie, and the fleet was all but
defenceless.  He couldn't reach his squadron, and bring them back in time
to save the fleet.  Nor could he warn the fleet of the approaching danger. 
There was only one thing to do.  He must somehow divert them from the
fleet.

Laying aside all thoughts of personal safety, he dove into the formation of
Japanese planes.  Wing-mounted 50 calibre’s blazed as he charged in,
attacking one surprised enemy plane and then another.  Butch wove in and
out of the now broken formation, and fired at as many planes as possible
until all his ammunition was finally spent.

Undaunted, he continued the assault.  He dove at the planes, trying to clip
a wing or tail in hopes of damaging as many enemy planes as possible,
rendering them unfit to fly.

Finally, the exasperated Japanese squadron took off in another direction.

Deeply relieved, Butch O'Hare and his tattered fighter limped back to the
carrier.

Upon arrival, he reported in and related the event surrounding his return..
 The film from the gun-camera mounted on his plane told the tale.  It
showed the extent of Butch's daring attempt to protect his fleet.  He had,
in fact, destroyed five enemy aircraft  This took place on February 20,
1942, and for that action Butch became the Navy's first Ace of W.W.II, and
the first Naval Aviator to win the Medal of Honour.

A year later Butch was killed in aerial combat at the age of 29.  His
hometown would not allow the memory of this WW II hero to fade, and today,
O'Hare airport in Chicago is named in tribute to the courage of this great
man.

So, the next time you find yourself at O'Hare International, give some
thought to visiting Butch's memorial displaying his statue and his Medal of
Honour.  It's located between Terminals 1 and 2.

SO WHAT DO THESE TWO STORIES HAVE TO DO WITH EACH OTHER?

Butch O'Hare was "Easy Eddie's" son.

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17 Reasons to take up Golf [XXX]
 Click here

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Package Delivery
 Click here
(No English, but you'll get the message)

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Golf made Easy
 Click here

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Driver Test
 Click here
(Before he is allowed to drive Trump around)

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Wax Lady [XXX - but funny]
 Click here

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Links & Photos
 Click here Click here

Links & Photos

Staying Put
 Click here

The History of Chocolate
 Click here

Jack Russell at Crufts
 Click here

Driving in Boston
 Click here

Bubbles (Ana Yang)
 Click here

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Bronwyn Memes
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here

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Debbie does NQ
 Click here

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Oh Oh
 Click here

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Retirement Camper!
 Click here

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Jewish Divorce - A little rude - but good!

A  Jewish daughter says to her mother,
"I'm divorcing Nathan.
All he wants is s*x, s*x and more s*x.
My vagina is now the size of a 50-cent piece,
when it used to be the size of a 5-cent piece/."

Her mother says �
"You're married to a multi-millionaire businessman!
You live in an 8 bedroom mansion!
You drive a $250,000 Ferrari!
You get $2,000 a week allowance!
You take 6 vacations a year and you want to throw all that  away over 45
cents?/"
*
NOW _THAT'S_A JEWISH MOTHER !*

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LEXOPHILIA - WHO ON EARTH DREAMS THESE UP?

*Why, a lexophile of course!*

How does Moses make tea? Hebrews it.

Venison for dinner again?   Oh deer!

A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

Haunted French pancakes give me the cr�pes.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Typo.

I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop any
time.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never
met herbivore.

When chemists die, they barium.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

Why were the Indians here first?  They had reservations.

I didn't like my beard at first.  Then it grew on me.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she
couldn't control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

Broken pencils are pointless.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary?  A thesaurus.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen. The police
have nothing to go on.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Velcro - what a rip off!

Don't worry about old age; it doesn't last.

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Watch the right hand
 Click here
Now stop your whingeing I don't want to hear I can't do it, it's too hard!!
Just get on and do it.

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From The Good Old Days Of Home Delivery, Notes Left In Milk Bottles

Enjoy,here is a collection of notes left in milk bottles....

**Dear milkman:I've just had a baby, please leave another one.

**Please leave an extra pint of paralysed milk.

**Cancel one pint after the day after today.

**Please don't leave any more milk.  All they do is drink it.

** Milkman, please close the gate behind you because the birds keep pecking
the tops off the milk.

**Milkman, please could I have a loaf but not bread today.

**Please cancel milk. I have nothing coming into the house but two sons on
the dole.

**Sorry not to have paid your bill before, but my wife had a baby and I've
been carrying it around in my pocket for weeks.

**Sorry about yesterday's note, I didn't mean one egg and a dozen pints,
but the other way round.

**When you leave my milk please knock on my bedroom window and wake me
because I want you to give me a hand to turn the mattress.

**Please knock. My TV's broken down and I missed last night's
Coronation Street. If you saw it, will you tell me what happened over a cup
of tea?

**My daughter says she wants a milkshake. Do you do it before you deliver
or do I have to shake the bottle?

**Please send me a form for cheap milk, for I have a baby two months old
and did not know about it until a neighbour told me.

**Please send me details about cheap milk as I am stagnant.

**Milk is needed for the baby. Father is unable to supply it.

**From now on please leave two pints every other day and one pint on the
days in between, except Wednesdays and Sat*rdays when I don't want any
milk.

**My back door is open. Please put milk in 'fridge, get money out of cup in
drawer and leave change on kitchen table in pence,
because we want to play bingo tonight.

**Please leave no milk today. When I say today, I mean tomorrow,
for I wrote this note yesterday..

**Milkman, please put the coal on the boiler, let dog out and put newspaper
inside the screen door.  PS  Don't leave any milk.

**No milk. Please do not leave milk at No. 14 either as he is dead until
further notice.

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Breast Feeding Causes Traffic Jam
 Click here

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The Black Hole
 Click here

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Testing VW Emissions
 Click here
Volkswagen emissions fail even a basic Russian test..

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[ End friday humour ]

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