Friday humour - March 24, 2017

from Haz@bluehaze

Once again - thanks to the contributors- particularly Anonymous3, Duke of
Barsinov, Sack, Seasoldier, Wally, Whizzbang, Burnout and KRP
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Boundless energy!
 Click here

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Driving In Boston
 Click here

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A woman goes to the hospital. "What seems to be the problem?" asked the
Doctor.
"Something is terribly wrong, I keep finding postage stamps from Tully in
FNQ, in my Vagina."
The Doctor had a look, chuckled and said,
"Those aren't postage stamps my dear, they're the stickers off the
bananas."

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New Car - Old Folks

A retired older couple returned to a Mercedes dealership where the salesman
has just sold the car they had been interested in to a  beautiful, leggy,
busty blonde in a mini skirt and a halter top. The old man was visibly
upset. He spoke to the salesman sharply, "Young man, I thought you said you
would hold that car till we raised the $95,000 asking price. Yet I just
overheard you closed the deal for $75,000 to the lovely young lady there.
And if I remember right, you had insisted there was no way you could
discount this model. "The salesman took a deep breath, cleared his throat
and reached for a large glass of water. "Well, what can I tell you? She had
the cash ready, didn't need any financing help, and, Sir, just look at her,
how could I resist?", replied the grinning salesman sheepishly. Just then
the young woman approached the senior couple and gave the car keys to the
old man. "There you go," she said. "I told you I could get that idiot to
lower the price. See you later Dad, Happy Father's day."

Once again.... don't mess with seniors. I love this one. A great laugh.

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When God created Earth:

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days.
Eventually, Michael the archangel found him, resting on the seventh day. He
inquired of God, "Where have you been?" God sighed a deep sigh of
satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look
Michael, look what I've made." Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said,
"What is it?" "It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it. I'm
going to call it Earth and it's going to be a place of great balance."
"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused. God explained, pointing to
different parts of Earth, "For example, Northern Europe will be a place of
great opportunity and wealth while Southern Europe is going to be poor; the
Middle East over there will be a hot spot. Over there I've placed a
continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people,"
God continued, pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely
hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice." The
Archangel, impressed by Gods work, then pointed to a large landmass in the
top corner and asked, "What's that one?" "Ah," said God. "That's Canada,
the most glorious place on Earth. There are beautiful mountains, lakes,
rivers, streams and an exquisite coastline. The people from Canada are
going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found
travelling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hard working and high
achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and
carriers of peace. I'm also going to give them super-human, undefeatable
ice hockey players who will be admired and feared by all who come across
them." Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed; "What
about balance, God? You said there will be BALANCE!" God replied wisely.
"Wait until you see the loud-mouth bastards I'm putting next to them...."

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A Story of Two Diaries...   Who doesn't

Wifes Diary:
Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet
at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day
long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he
made no comment on it.

Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so
we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much.

I asked him what was wrong; He said, "nothing." I asked him if it was my
fault that he was upset.
He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to
worry about it.

On the way home, I told him that I loved him.
He smiled slightly, and kept driving.  I can't explain his behavior. I
don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.'

When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted
nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV.
He continued to seem distant and absent.

Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15
minutes later, he came to bed. But I still felt that he was distracted, and
his thoughts were somewhere else.
We had s*x, he fell asleep; I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost
sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

Husband's  Diary:

A two-foot putt.. Who the hell misses a two-foot putt?

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Weight loss program

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 5kg weight loss program.
The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a
voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of
Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck..
She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The
sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."
Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later puffing
and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four
days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is
delighted to find he has lost 5kg as promised.
He calls the company and orders their 5-day/10kg program. The next day
there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful,
s*xy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok
running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me you
can have me".
Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent
shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days,
the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better
shape.
Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers
that he has lost another 10kg as promised. He decides to go for broke and
calls the company to order the 7-day/25kg program.
"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most
rigorous program." "Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in
years."
The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a
huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and
a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, you are mine."
He lost 33 kilos that week.

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Boat race

A Japanese Company and a US company decided to have a canoe race on the
Columbia river. Both teams practiced hard and long to reach thier peak
performance before the race.

On the big day, the Japanese team won by a mile.

Afterwards, the USA team became very discouraged and depressed. The
management of the US company decided that the reason for the crushing
defeat had to be found. A "Measurement Team" made up of senior management
was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action.

Their conclusion was that the Japanese had 8 people rowing and 1 person
steering, while the US team had 1 person rowing and 8 people steering.

So the management of the US company hired a consulting company and paid
them incredible amounts of money. They advised that too many people were
steering the boat and not enough people were rowing.

So to prevent losing to the japanese again the next year. The US team chose
to ignore the reports findings. The management team 's structure was
totally reorganized to 4 steering supervisors, 3 area steering
superintendents and 1 assistant superintendant steering manager. They also
implemented a new performance system that would give the 1 person rowing
the boat greater incentive to work harder. It was called the "Rowing Team
Quality First Program" or RTQFP for short, with meetings, dinners, t shirts
and free pens for the rower. "We must give the rower empowerment and
enrichment through this quality program."

The next year the Japanese team won by 2 miles. Humiliated, the management
team laid off the rower for poor performance, halted development of the new
canoe, sold the paddles and cancelled all capital investments for new
equipment. They then used the money saved by giving a high performance
award to the steering managers and distributed the rest of the money as
bonuses to the senior executives.

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Aussie Police Work

POLICE WORK CAN BE ENTERTAINING AS WELL AS DANGEROUS.

Recently, a female police officer arrested Patrick Lawrence, a 22 year old
male, who was caught fornicating with a pumpkin in the middle of the night.
The next day, at the Horsham Court (Victoria, Australia), Lawrence was
charged with lewd and lascivious behaviour, public indecency, and public
intoxication.
Lawrence explained that, as he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way home
from a drinking session, he decided to stop.
"You know how a pumpkin can be soft and squishy inside... well, there was
no one around for miles or at least I thought there wasn't anyone
around..." he stated.
Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked
out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it
and proceeded to satisfy his pressing need.
"I s'pose I was really into it, you know?" he commented with evident
embarrassment. In the process of doing the deed, Lawrence failed to notice
an approaching police car and was unaware of his audience, until Senior
Constable Brenda Taylor approached him.
'It was an unusual situation, that's for sure,' Senior Constable Brenda
Taylor told the magistrate.
'I walked up to Lawrence and he's just banging away at this pumpkin...'
Constable Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached
Lawrence ....
"I said: 'Excuse me sir, why are you having s*x with a pumpkin?
"Lawrence froze. He was clearly very surprised that I was there, but then
he looked me straight in the eye and said: 'A pumpkin? Sh*t  is it midnight
already'?"
THE COURT (AND THE MAGISTRATE) COULD NOT CONTAIN THEIR MIRTH.
THE GEELONG POST WROTE AN ARTICLE DESCRIBING THIS AS 'THE BESTCOME-BACK
LINE EVER.'

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Irish Jokes

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like hed just been run over
by a train.
His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and
he's walking with a limp
"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.
" Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.
"That little sh*t, O'Conner," says Sean, "he couldn't do that to you.  He
must have had something in his hand."
"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had,  and a terrible
lickin' he gave me with it."
 Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you have
something in your hand?"
"That  I did," said Paddy.  "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of  beauty
it was, but useless in a fight."

**************************************************************************
An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the
city one night and, of course his car is weaving violently all over the
road.
A cop pulls him over.
"So," says the cop to the driver,  "where have ya been?"
" Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.
 Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite  a few to drink this
evening."
"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across
his chest,  "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your
car?"
"Oh, thanks heavens," sighs the drunk.
"For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

 *************************************************************************

 Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives
at her door.
"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks.  "I've somethin' to tell ya".
"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim.  But where is my
husband?
That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda. "there was an accident down
at the Guinness brewery..."
 "Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."
"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."
Finally, she looks up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"
"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and
drowned."
"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me truth, Tim.  Did che at least go
quickly?"
"Well, Brenda... No. In fact,  He got out three times to pee.

 ************************************************************************
Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and
she's in tears.
He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last
night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me Mary, did he have any
last requests?"
She says, "That he did, Father."
The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary? "  She says, "He said,  'Please
Mary, put down that damn gun...'"

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AND  THE BEST FOR LAST

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits
down, but says nothing.
The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk continues
to sit there.
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin', there's no paper on this side
either!"

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Chuckle for Today.

Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car
which said:

Two Prostitutes - $50.00.

A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them, and told them they'd either
have to remove the sign or go to jail.

At that time, another car passed with a sign saying: "Jesus Saves."

One of the girls asked the officer, "How come you don't stop them?"

"Well, that's a little different," the officer said. "Their sign pertains
to religion."

The following day the same police officer noticed the same two hookers
driving around with a large sign on their car.

He figured he had an easy arrest until he read their new sign:

Two Fallen Angels
Seeking Peter -- $50.

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Spanish for computer\

A SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike
English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.'

'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'

A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?'

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups,
male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether 'computer'
should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four
reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the
feminine gender ('la computadora'), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is
incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible
later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half
your paycheck on accessories for it.

(THIS GETS BETTER!)

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine
('el computador'), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

2 They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE
the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a
little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

The women won.

Send this to all the smart women you know

...and all the men who have a sense of humor.

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MOTHERS

JEWISH MOTHER

The year is 2020 and the United States has elected the first woman as well
as the first Jewish president, Susan Goldstein.

She calls up her mother a few weeks after Election Day and says, "So, Mom,
I assume you'll be coming to my inauguration?"

"I don't think so. It's a ten hour drive, your father isn't as young as he
used to be, and my arthritis is acting up again."

"Don't worry about it Mom, I'll send Air Force One to pick you up and take
you home.. And a limousine will pick you up at your door."

"I don't know. Everybody will be so fancy-schmantzy, what on earth would I
wear?"

Susan replies, "I'll make sure you have a wonderful gown custom-made by the
best designer in New York ."

"Honey," Mom complains, "you know I can't eat those rich foods you and your
friends like to eat."

The President-to-be responds, "Don't worry Mom. The entire affair is going
to be handled by the best caterer in New York ; koll the way. Mom, I really
want you to come."

So, Mom reluctantly agrees and on January 20, 2021, Susan Goldstein is
being sworn in as President of the United States . In the front row sits
the new President's mother, who leans over to a senator sitting next to her
and says, "You see that woman over there with her hand on the Torah,
becoming President of the United States ??"

The Senator whispers back, "Yes, I do."

Mom says proudly, "Her brother is a doctor."

ITALIAN MOTHER

Giuseppe excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and that he is
going to get married.

He says, "Just for fun, Mama, I'm going to bring over three women and you
try and guess which one I'm going to marry." The mother agrees.

The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house, sits them
down on the couch & they chat for a while. He then says, "Okay, Mama, guess
which one I'm going to marry?"

Mama says immediately, "The one on the right."

"That's amazing, Mama. You're right. How did you know?"

Mama replies: "I don't like her."

AN IRISHMAN'S FIRST DRINK WITH HIS SON.

I was reading an article last night about fathers and sons, and memories
came flooding back of the time I took my son out for his first drink.

Off we went to our local bar, which is only two blocks from the house.

I got him a Guinness Stout. He didn't like it “ so I drank it.
Then I got him an Old Style, he didn't like it either, so I drank it.
It was the same with the Coors and the Bud.

By the time we got down to the Irish whiskey.

I could hardly push the stroller back home.

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Art Collector's Wife

A New York attorney representing a wealthy art collector called his client.

"Saul, I have some good news, and I have some bad news."

The art collector replied, "I've had an awful day. Give me the good news
first."

The lawyer said, "Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me
that she just invested $5,000 in two pictures that she thinks will bring a
minimum of $15 million to $20 million, and I think she could be right."

Saul replied enthusiastically, "Well done! My wife is a brilliant
businesswoman! You've just made my day. Now I know I can handle the bad
news. What is it?"

 The lawyer replied, "The pictures are of you and your secretary."

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You might be a "Seenager"

I just discovered my age group!  I am a Seenager. (Senior teenager)
I have everything that I wanted as a teenager, only 50-60 years later.
I don't have to go to school or work
I get an allowance every month.
I have my own pad.
I don't have a curfew.
I have a driver's license and my own car.
I have ID that gets me into bars and the wine store.  I like the wine store
best.
The people I hang around with are not scared of getting pregnant, they
aren't scared of anything, they have been blessed to live this long, why be
scared?
And I don't have acne.
Life is Good!

Also, you will feel much more intelligent after reading this, if you are a
Seenager.
Brains of older people are slow because they know so much.
People do not decline mentally with age, it just takes them longer to
recall facts because they have more information in their brains.
Scientists believe this also makes you hard of hearing as it puts pressure
on your inner ear.
Also, older people often go to another room to get something and when they
get there, they stand there wondering what they came for.
It is NOT a memory problem, it is nature's way of making older people do
more exercise.
SO THERE!!
I have more friends I should send this to, but right now I can't remember
their names.
So, please forward this to your friends; they may be my friends, too.

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High school reunion

A husband takes his wife to her high school reunion.

After meeting several of her friends and former school mates, they are
sitting at a table where he is yawning and overly bored. The band cranks up
and people are beginning to dance.

There's a guy on the dance floor living it large, break dancing, moon
walking, back flips, buying drinks for people, the works.

Wife turns to her husband and says, "See that guy?  25 years ago he
proposed to me and I turned him down."

Husband says: "Looks like he's still celebrating!"

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Remote Control
 Click here

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Most Human Deaths Each Year by Animals

These Animals Cause the Most Human Deaths Every Year!

There are few words that can truly describe the collective beauty of the
animal kingdom. From the great migration of wildebeests, zebras, and
antelopes across the Serengeti to tens of thousands of starling flying
together in a massive murmuration, animals have served as an inspiration
and delight for most of us. Their beauty is so striking that its easy to
forget that they are wild animals, and that we are as much in their world
as they are in ours. Sometimes when our paths cross, the results are
deadly. In this countdown, we take a look at the 20 animals that are
responsible for killing the most humans each year.

20. Sharks

Every year, sharks are responsible for around 75 attacks on people. Of that
number, only around 10 people will die. Sharks do not actively prey on
humans, and most of the time it's just a case of unfortunate
misidentification - they think the human is a juicy seal or sea turtle.
Once they have taken a bite, more often than not they will swim away,
leaving the victim to bleed out in the water. The species that are most
responsible for human attacks are Great White Sharks and Bull Sharks.

19. Leopards

There is no comprehensive global database that exists for fatal leopard
attacks, and many countries do not even keep official records. When most
animals are wounded, they will run and hide, but not leopards. When these
majestic creatures are injured they become even more dangerous. Leopard and
human confrontations are quite common in India, with these encounters
resulting in 15 deaths a year.

18. Horses

Horses do not intend to cause injury or death to humans. However, due to
accidents associated with riding horses such as horse races, rodeos and
equestrian events, accidents involving horses frequently claim around 20
lives each year in the United States alone.

17. Cows

Cows are usually docile creatures, but they can be very dangerous when
provoked. In the United States, around 22 people are killed each year by
cows.

16. Ants

Ants kill around 30 people per year. There are over 280 species of ants
that can kill, with the fire ant and Siafu ants of Africa being among the
most deadly. Since ants live in colonies of up to 20 million strong, when
they start to attack they can easily overpower anything.

15. Bees

Though they are small, bees have the ability to kill humans mainly due to
allergic reactions. Around 53 people die each year from bee related
incidents and this number will rise due to the increase in aggressive
African honey bees.

14. Lions

Humans are generally not on a lion's hit-list, but some have been known to
actively seek out human prey. One famous case was that of the Tsavo
man-eaters in 1898 who killed 28 railway workers in Kenya over a 9 month
period. It has been estimated that 70 people die annually from lion
attacks.

13. Deers

Deer have antlers that can fatally kill humans, but most deer-associated
deaths are caused not by antlers, but by accidents on highways. Deer often
cross highways and stop in the middle of roads, causing collisions with
vehicles. It has been estimated that around 120 people die each year
because of deer.

12. Dogs

Domesticated dogs are responsible for over 100 fatalities worldwide. In the
US alone, around 30 people die annually from dog related incidents with
other high-income countries such as Canada, France, and Australia reporting
comparable incidence and fatality rates. It's very important to note that
the most aggressive acts caused by dogs are in response to gross human
misconduct.

11. Tigers

Tigers kill more people than any other big cat. In fact, tens to hundreds
of people are killed by wild tigers each year in tiger-range states. This
figure does not include those who are killed by tigers in captivity.

10. Jellyfish

We all know that Jellyfish stings itch and sting crazy, but not all of us
are aware that many people die from jellyfish stings each year. In fact,
according to the Medical Journal of Australia, jellyfish are responsible
for 15-30 times more deaths each year than sharks. That works out at around
150-300 deaths per year.

9. Cape Buffaloes

Cape buffaloes are formidable animals, weighing in at 1.5 tons, standing
1.7 meters high and approximately 2.8 meters long. These animals attack
humans by using their sharp horns, especially when they feel that they are
in danger. According to the statistics, cape buffaloes are responsible for
around 200 deaths per year.

8. Elephants

These beasts weigh in at 7,000 kilograms and reach a height of about 4
metres, making them the world's largest land animal. Elephants are
extremely dangerous when provoked, and have been known to trample a
rhinoceros or two to death. They are responsible for an estimated 500
deaths per year.

7. Crocodiles

Crocodiles are huge and extremely dangerous killing machines. Sitting at
the top of the food chain, they have been known to eat everything from
water buffalo to sharks. In order to kill their prey, crocodiles make use
of a technique known as the "death roll", where they relentlessly flip
their prey over and over in the water until it drowns, and is torn apart.
Around 1,000-25,000 people are killed each year by crocodiles.

6. Hippos

Although they are mostly herbivorous, they are highly aggressive and are
regarded as one of the most dangerous animals in Africa. They have been
known to attack without provocation, even to the point of destroying entire
vehicles. Around 2,900 people are killed every year by hippos.

5. Scorpions

One of the oldest creatures to inhabit the earth, scorpions evolved from
sea-dwelling creatures to land menaces around 340 million years ago. There
are around 1,300 to 2,000 species of scorpions in the world, but only 25 of
them have poison that is strong enough to kill humans. Nevertheless,
anywhere between 1,000-5,000 people each year are killed by scorpions.

4. Snakes

Do you have a fear of snakes? Well, you're right to do so! Snakes kill on
average 50,000 people around the world each year. Most of these deaths come
about as a result of humans unknowingly stumbling upon a snake.

3. Tsetse Flies

This blood-sucking fly is the main carrier of African Sleeping sickness and
it is therefore indirectly responsible for the deaths of up  to 250,000
people every year.

2. Humans

This list would not be complete if we failed to include humans on it. As a
species, humans murder around just under half a million people every single
year.

1. Mosquitoes

Mosquitoes are the smallest creatures on this list, but they are, without
doubt, the deadliest. It has been estimated that mosquitoes transmit
diseases such as malaria and dengue fever to around 700 million people each
year, resulting in around 660,000 to 1,000,000 deaths.

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The Squirrel and The Grasshopper REAL LIFE VERSION

The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building and
improving his house and laying up supplies for the winter.

The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the
summer away.

Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed.

The shivering grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the
cold.

THE END

NOW THE AUSTRALIAN VERSION

The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his
house and laying up supplies for the winter.

The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the
summer away.

Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed.

A social worker finds the shivering grasshopper, calls a press conference
and demands to know why the squirrel should be allowed to be warm and well
fed while others less fortunate, like the grasshopper, are cold and
starving.

The ABC shows up to provide live coverage of the shivering grasshopper;
with cuts to a video of the squirrel in his comfortable warm home with a
table laden with food.

The Australian press informs people that they should be ashamed that in a
country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so while
others have plenty.

The Greens, the Labor Party, Greenpeace, Animal Rights and The Grasshopper
Housing Commission of Australia demonstrate in front of the squirrel's
house.

The ABC, interrupting a cultural festival special from St Kilda with
breaking news, broadcasts a multi-cultural choir singing 'We Shall
Overcome'.

Bill Shorten rants in an interview with Laurie Oakes that the squirrel got
rich off the backs of grasshoppers, and calls for an immediate tax hike on
the squirrel to make him pay his 'fair share' and increases the charge for
squirrels to enter Melbourne city centre.

In response to pressure from the media, the Government drafts the Economic
Equity and Grasshopper Anti-Discrimination Act, retroactive to the
beginning of the summer. The squirrel's taxes are reassessed

He is taken to court and fined for failing to hire grasshoppers as
builders, for the work he was doing on his home, and an additional fine for
contempt when he told the court the grasshopper did not want to work.

The grasshopper is provided with a Housing Commission house, financial aid
to furnish it and an account with a local taxi firm to ensure he can be
socially mobile.

The squirrel's food is seized and re-distributed to the more needy members
of society - in this case the grasshopper.

Without enough money to buy more food, to pay the fine and his newly
imposed retroactive taxes, the squirrel has to downsize and start building
a new home. ðŸ

The local authority takes over his old home and utilises it as a temporary
home for asylum seeking cats who had hijacked a plane to get to Australia
as they had to share their country of origin with mice.

On arrival they tried to blow up the airport because of Australians'
apparent love of dogs.

The cats had been arrested for the international offence of hijacking and
attempted bombing but were immediately released because the police fed them
pilchards instead of salmon whilst in custody.

Initial moves to make them return to their own country were abandoned
because it was feared they would face death by the mice.

The cats devise and start a scam to obtain money from people's credit
cards.

A 60 Minutes special shows the grasshopper finishing up the last of the
squirrel's food, though spring is still months away, while the Housing
Commission house he is in, crumbles around him because he hasn't bothered
to maintain it. He is shown to be taking drugs.

Sarah Hanson Young blames inadequate government funding for the
grasshopper's drug 'Illness'.

The cats seek recompense in the Australian courts for their treatment since
arrival in Australia.

The grasshopper gets arrested for stabbing an old dog during a burglary to
get money for his drugs habit. He is imprisoned but released immediately
because he has been in custody for a few weeks.

He is placed in the care of the probation service to monitor and supervise
him.

Within a few weeks he has killed a guinea pig in a botched robbery.

A commission of enquiry, that will eventually cost $10 million and stat the
obvious, is set up.

Additional money is put into funding a drug rehabilitation scheme for
grasshoppers.

Legal aid for lawyers representing asylum seekers is increased.

The asylum seeking cats are praised by the government for enriching
Australias multicultural diversity and dogs are criticised by the
government for failing to befriend the cats.

The grasshopper dies of a drug overdose.

The usual sections of the press blame it on the obvious failure of
government to address the root causes of despair arising from social
inequity and his traumatic experience of prison.

The Greens and the Labor Party call for the resignation of the Prime
Minister.

The cats are paid $1 million each because their rights were infringed when
the government failed to inform them there were mice in Australia.

The squirrel, the dogs and the victims of the hijacking, the bombing, the
burglaries and robberies have to pay an additional percentage on their
credit cards to cover losses, their taxes are increased to pay for law and
order, and they are told that they will have to work beyond 65 because of a
shortfall in government funds.

THE END

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LEMON SQUEEZER

At a local bar in Tamworth*

The owner & bartender, was so sure that he was the strongest man around,
that he offered a standing $1000 bet.

The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass,
and then hand the lemon to a patron.

Anyone who could squeeze two more drops of juice out of it, would win the
money.

Many people had tried, over the years:*

weightlifters, longshoremen, football players etc., but nobody had ever
been able to do it.*

One day, this scrawny little fellow came into the bar,* wearing thick
glasses and a polyester suit.

He sat down, ordered a glass of draft, & started looking around the bar.*

After reading the sign on the wall about the lemon challenge, he said in a
meek voice:*

"I was just reading your sign, and I'd like to try the bet."*
After the laughter in the pub had died down, the bartender grabbed a lemon
and squeezed the heck out of it.....*

Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little fellow.*

The Crowd's laughter turned to total silence.... as the man clenched his
little fist around the lemon.... and six drops fell into the glass.*

As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the guy his $1000, and then asked
little man:

"Do you mind if I ask what do you do for a living?

Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?"

*he little fellow quietly replied: no "I work for the Australian Tax
Office".*

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Think of the old and frail
 Click here

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What Is Wrong With This Picture?
 Click here
Should be OK; she is wearing safety glasses.

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Irish humour.
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

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Spread the Stupidity

Only in This Stupid World
.....do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the Store
to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the
front.

 Only in This Stupid World
 .....do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.

Only in This Stupid World
.....do banks leave vault doors open and then chain the pens to the
counters..

Only in This Stupid World
......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put
Our useless junk in the garage.

Only in This Stupid World ...........do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten
and buns in Packages of eight..

Only in This Stupid World .....do they have drive-up ATM machines with
Braille lettering.

EVER WONDER

Why the sun lightens Our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why don't you ever see the Headline 'Psychic Win s Lottery'?

Why is abbreviated' such a long word?

Why is it that Doctors call what they do 'practice'?

Why is lemon juice made With artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made
with real lemons?

Why is the man who Invests All your money called a broker?

Why is the time of Day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn't there Mouse-flavored cat food?

Why didn't Noah Swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the Needle for lethal injections?

You know tha Indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't
they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!

Why don't sheep Shrink when it rains?

Why are they called Apartments when they are all stuck together?

I like this one!!!

If con is the opposite of Pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

If flying is so Safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread the
stupidity and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to (maybe even
a chuckle)  ...in other words, send it to everyone. We all need to smile
every once in a while.

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I'M OK WITH THIS ...HOW ABOUT YOU?

 LET THEM IN, BUT DAMMIT,
 THESE ARE DEFINITELY THE LAST ONES!!!
 Click here

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Snow got you down.a .smile for YOU !!!!

I bought a new stick deodorant today.
The instructions said: "Remove cap and push up bottom.
It hurts to walk -- but whenever I fart, the room smells lovely

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Ping Pong
 Click here

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Eyes
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here

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[ End friday humour ]

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