Friday humour - March 17, 2017

[from Steve @ Bluehaze]

This weeks smattering arrived courtesy of Arfermo, Anonymous3, Burnout,
Seasoldier, Wally and Whizzbang.

Enjoy!

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Wedding photography
wry sense of humor...

Honest wedding photograhpy...
 Click here

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BEAR HUNTING

The Pope went on vacation for a few days

to visit the rugged mountains  of Alaska.

 He was driving along near the campground when he heard a frantic commotion
just at the edge of the woods. He found a helpless
Democrat wearing shorts, sandals, a 'Vote for Hillary' hat and a 'Save  the
Trees' shirt.
The man was screaming and struggling frantically,
thrashing all about and trying to free himself from the grasp of a 10-foot
grizzly bear.

As the Pope watched in horror, a group of
Republican loggers wearing Go Trump shirts came racing up. One quickly
fired a .44 magnum slug right into the bear's chest. The two other men
pulled the semiconscious Democrat from the bear's grasp. Then using
baseball bats,
the three loggers finished off the bear. Two of the men dragged the dead
grizzly onto the bed of their pickup truck while the other tenderly placed
the injured Democrat in the back seat.

As they began to leave, the Pope summoned all of them over to him. "I  give
you my blessing for your brave actions! "  he proudly proclaimed.
"I have heard there was bitter hatred between
Republican loggers and  Democratic environ-
mental activists, but now I've seen with my own eyes  that this is not
true.

As the Pope drove off, one logger asked his buddies, "Who was that guy ? 
"Dude, that was the Pope," another replied. "He's in direct contact  with
Heaven and has access to all wisdom.

"Well," the logger said, "he may have access to all wisdom, but he  don't
know squat about bear hunting.  By the way, is the bait still alive or do
we need to go back to California and get another one ?

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Fisherman Feeding Bald Eagles

Jessie Peck has many bald eagle friends when he walks out on the deck of
this fishing boat in Dutch Harbor, Alaska with a pan full of fresh fish. At
first

you see a few eagles on deck. then the camera pans around and WOW! They are
perched all over the boat and flying above. As an added bonus we

hear the music "Free Bird" by Lynyrd Skynyrd playing.
 Click here

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Re: The Dentist --ya gotta luv this girl !!!!!

They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place.

A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands.

He then takes off his trousers and again washes his hands.
The girl has been watching him and says,
"You must be a dentist."

The guy, surprised, says,
"Yes .... How did you figure that out?"
"Easy," she replies. "You keep washing your hands."
One thing leads to another and they make love.
After it's over the girl says, "You must be a really   good dentist."

The guy, now with an inflated ego, says,
"Sure - I'm a good dentist. How did you figure that out?"
The girl replies....

"I Didn't feel a thing."

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An Englishman, Welshman, Scotsman and an Irishman are captured while
fighting overeseas,  and the leader of the captors says:

"We're going to line you up in front of a firing squad and shoot you all in
turn.  But first, you can each make a final request."

The Scotsman  says:
"Och mon, Ai'd laik to heerr ‘Scotland the Brave' one moor taim to
remind me o' Bonnie Scotland, played on bagpipes in the style of the Royal
Scots Dragoon Guards."

The Irishman says:
"Oi'd loik to be hearin' ‘Danny Boy' just one more toim to remind me
o' de Emerald Isle,  soong in  de style o' Daniel O'Donnell with the
Riverdance dancers skippin' gaily to de tune."

The Welshman says:

"Aye lads, Ay'd lake to hear '˜Men of Harlech' just one more time to
remind me of the auld country, sung as if by the Aberystwyth Male Voice
Choir."

The Englishman says:
"My dear chap, I'd like to be shot first."

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Perfect shot

Bob stood over his tee on the 450-yard 18th hole for what seemed like an
eternity.
He shifted on his feet, looked up, looked down, shifted again, but didn't
start his swing.
Finally his exasperated partner asked, "What is taking so long?"
"My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse," Bob explained. "I
want to make a perfect shot."
"Good grief!" his companion explained. "You don't have a snow ball's chance
in hell of hitting her from here."

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Sunday Morning

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went
straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother
and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her
grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on
Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly
100 years old having s*x would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced
age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would
start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even.
Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued,

"He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along!

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The Redneck and the Gorilla

The Redneck & The Gorilla

A small zoo in Georgia obtained a very rare species of gorilla. Within a
few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very difficult to handle.

Upon examination, the zoo's veterinarian determined the problem. The
gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, the zoo had no male gorillas
available.

Thinking about their problem, the zookeeper thought of Bobby Lee Walton, a
redneck part-time worker responsible for cleaning the animal cages. Bobby
Lee, like most rednecks, had little sense but he possessed ample ability to
satisfy a female of any species.

The Zoo Keeper thought they might have a solution, and they approached
Bobby Lee with a proposition; Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla
for $500.00?

Bobby Lee showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter
over carefully.

The following day, he announced that he would accept their offer, but only
under five conditions:

"First," Bobby Lee said,  "I ain't gonna kiss her on the lips."
The keeper quickly agreed to this condition.

"Second," he said,  "She must wear a 'Dale Earnhardt Forever' T-Shirt."
  The keeper again readily agreed to this condition.

"Third," he said,  "You can't never tell nobody about this."
The keeper again readily agreed to this condition.

"Fourth," Bobby Lee said,  "I want all the children raised Southern
Baptist."
Once again it was agreed.

And last, Bobby Lee said,  "I'm gonna need another week to come up with the
$500."

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The Gunfighter (Oldie, but a Goodie)  Click here

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PHONE REPAIR

Lawrence , Kansas, December 12, 2009

A Kansas farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone
failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few occasions,
when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang.

The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic
dog or senile lady. He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set,
and dialed the subscriber's house.

The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone
began to ring.

Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:
1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire with a steel
chain and collar.
2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.
3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the number was
called.
4. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate.
5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to
ring.

Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by p*ssing and moaning.
Thought you'd like to know.

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IRISHMAN'S FIRST DRINK WITH HIS SON

While reading an article last night about  fathers and sons, memories came
flooding back to the time I took me son out for his first pint Off we went
to our local pub only two blocks from the cottage. I got him a Guinness. He
didn't like it, so I drank it.

Then I got him a Kilkenny's, he didn't like that either, so I drank it.

Finally, I thought he might like some Harp Lager? He didn't. I drank it.

I thought maybe he'd like whiskey better than beer so I tried a Tullamore
Dew. Nope!

In desperation, I had him try that rare Redbreast, Ireland's finest. He
wouldn't even smell it.

What  could I do but drink it?

By the time I realized he just didn't like to drink, I was so fookin'
sh*t-faced I could hardly push his stroller back home!

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Office Staff
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How I Lost My Marbles - Art Class
 Click here

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Merry mixture
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

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Texas Humour
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here

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Why didn't I think of this?

Ever had trouble hanging a picture? If so 
 Click here

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The Bathroom Cleaner!
 Click here

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      Ah-the-eah the-eah That's All (for this week) Folks!



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