Friday humour - March 10, 2017

 From Burnout @ Bluehaze:
This  weeks issue will be on time, unlike last month, when your Editor had
a complete loss of interweeby. This too a week to rectify.
So here you go………….

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From: Anonymous3
Subject: Just one more smile today?
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

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From: Duke of Barsinov
Subject: Adopt A Terrorist

The Canadians know how to handle complaints. Here is an example:
A Canadian female liberal wrote a lot of letters to the Canadian
government, complaining about the treatment of captive insurgents
(terrorists) being held in Afghanistan National Correctional System
facilities. She demanded a response to her letter.

She received back the following reply:

National Defense Headquarters
M Gen George R. Pearkes Bldg., 15 NT 101 Colonel By Drive
Ottawa , ON K1A 0K2
Canada

Dear Concerned Citizen,

Thank you for your recent letter expressing your profound concern of
treatment of the Taliban and Al Qaeda terrorists captured by
Canadian Forces, who were subsequently transferred to the Afghanistan
Government and are currently being held by Afghan officials in
Afghanistan National Correctional System facilities.

Our administration takes these matters seriously and your opinions were
heard loud and clear here in Ottawa. You will be pleased to learn, thanks
to the concerns of citizens like yourself, we are creating a new department
here at the Department of National Defense, to be called 'Liberals Accept
Responsibility for Killers' program, or
L.A.R.K. for short.

In accordance with the guidelines of this new program, we have decided, on
a trial basis, to divert several terrorists and place them in homes of
concerned citizens such as yourself, around the country,
under those citizens' personal care. Your personal detainee has been
selected and is scheduled for transportation under heavily armed guard to
your residence in Toronto next Monday.

Ali Mohammed Ahmed bin Mahmud is your detainee, and is to be cared for
pursuant to the standards you personally demanded in your letter of
complaint. You will be pleased to know that we will conduct weekly
inspections to ensure that your standards of care for Ahmed are
commensurate with your recommendations.

Although Ahmed is a sociopath and extremely violent, we hope that your
sensitivity to what you described as his 'attitudinal problem' will help
him overcome those character flaws. Perhaps you are correct in describing
these problems as mere cultural differences. We understand that you plan to
offer counseling and home schooling, however, we strongly recommend that
you hire some assistant caretakers.

Please advise any Jewish friends, neighbors or relatives about your house
guest, as he might get agitated or even violent, but we are sure you can
reason with him. He is also expert at making a wide variety of explosive
devices from common household products, so you may wish to keep those items
locked up, unless in your opinion, this might offend him. Your adopted
terrorist is extremely proficient in hand-to-hand combat and can extinguish
human life with such simple items as a pencil or nail clippers. We advise
that you do not ask him to demonstrate these skills either in your home or
wherever you choose to take him while helping him adjust to life in our
country.

Ahmed will not wish to interact with you or your daughters except s*xually,
since he views females as a form of property, thereby having no rights,
including refusal of his s*xual demands. This is a particularly sensitive
subject for him.

You also should know that he has shown violent tendencies around women who
fail to comply with the dress code that he will recommend as more
appropriate attire. I'm sure you will come to enjoy the anonymity offered
by the burka over time. Just remember that it is all part of respecting his
culture and religious beliefs' as described in your letter.

You take good care of Ahmed and remember that we will try to have a
counselor available to help you over any difficulties you encounter while
Ahmed is adjusting to Canadian culture.

Thanks again for your concern, We truly appreciate it when folks like you
keep us informed of the proper way to do our job and care for our fellow
man. Good luck and God bless you.

Cordially,

Gordon O'Connor
Minister of National Defense
--

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From: KRP
Subject: Tough Times On Sydney's Northern Beaches
 Click here

Subject: Only In Adelaide ...
 Click here

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From: Seasoldier
Subject: No One Believes Seniors Anymore

No one believes seniors . . . everyone thinks they are senile.
An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple
had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old
neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their
old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk
they'd shared, where Jerry had carved I love you, Sally.
On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car,
practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up and, not sure
what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money - fifty
thousand dollars!
Jerry said, We've got to give it back.
Sally said, Finders keepers. She put the money back in the bag and hid it
in their attic.
The next day, two police officers were canvassing the neighborhood looking
for the money, and knocked on their door. Pardon me, did either of you find
a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?
Sally said, No.
Jerry said, She's lying. She hid it up in the attic.
Sally said, Don't believe him, he's getting senile
The agents turned to Jerry and began to question him.
One said: Tell us the story from the beginning.
Jerry said, Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday
.
The first police officer turned to his partner and said, Were outta here!

Subject: A Fable

Once upon a time ...

The king called on the royal weather forecaster and inquired as
to the weather forecast for the next few hours.  The royal weatherman
assured him that there was no chance of rain for at least 4 days.

So the king went fishing with his wife, the queen. On the way he
met a farmer on his donkey. Upon seeing the king the farmer said, "Your
Majesty, you should return to the palace!  In just a short time I expect a
huge amount of rain to fall in this area."

The king was polite and considerate, he replied: "Thanks for
your concern, but don't worry. It's not going to rain today. I hold the
palace meteorologist in high regard. He is an extensively educated and
experienced professional. And besides, I pay him very high wages. He gave
me a very different forecast. I trust him."

So the king continued on his way.  However, a short time later a
torrential rain fell from the sky. The King and Queen were totally soaked
and their entourage chuckled upon seeing them in such a shameful condition.

Furious, the king returned to the palace and gave the order to
fire the professional. Then he summoned the farmer and offered him the
prestigious and high paying role of royal forecaster.

The farmer said, "Your Majesty, I do not know anything about
forecasting. I obtained the information about rain today from my donkey. If
I see my donkey's ears drooping, it means with certainty that it will rain
very soon."  So the king hired the donkey instead.

And thus began the practice of hiring dumb asses to work in the
government and occupy its highest and most influential positions.

The practice is unbroken to this day...

Subject: Rather like this one

Regardless of your political views, this one is more than funny! In
these politically charged times, its not often you get an email you can
share with both your Democratic and Republican friends. This way I  get to
find out if anybody is lacking a sense of humour!!!

4 MEXICANS IN A ROW BOAT

The Captain gets on the loud-speaker and shouts, "Ahoy, small craft. Where
are you headed?"

One of the Mexicans puts down his oar, stands up, and shouts,

"We are invading the United States of America to reclaim the territory
taken by the U.S. during the 1800's."

The entire crew on the destroyer doubles over in laughter.

When the Captain finally catches his breath, he gets back on the
loud-speaker and asks, "Just the four of you?"

The same Mexican stands up again and shouts, "No, we're the last four. The
other 12 million are already there!"

Nobody on the destroyer laughed

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From: Wally
Subject: Army Dog Dance

Deril - (2nd)
 Click here 


Alice - (1st)
 Click here 


I think Deril won it by miles. Never saw a dog bring someone back to life,
by doing CPR .…
  Wally

Subject: Links

Russian Motor Bike Riders
 Click here

Pray for Paris
 Click here

26 X Underrated Photos
 Click here

Milk Carton Kids
 Click here

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From: Whizzbang   (XXX – Ed)
Subject: oscars
 Click here

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From: Arfermo
Subject: Circ*mcision

Paddy says to  Mick,"I'm getting circ*mcised  tomorrow."

Mick says, "I  had that done when I was a few days  old."

Paddy  asks,  "Does it Hurt?"

Mick says, "  Well I couldn't walk for 12 months..."

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From: Burnout (XXX - ED)
Subject: Enjoy your commuter reading.....
 Click here

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From: Duke of Barsinov
Subject: A senior love story, in pictures.
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

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From: Haz (XXX - ED)
Subject: Fwd: Apples...
 Click here

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From: Seasoldier
Subject: Selling My Stuff If I Die
 Click here

Subject: FIRST DAY AT THE SENIOR COMPLEX
 Click here

Some guys will never learn……………..

On her first day at the senior complex, the new manager addressed all the
seniors pointing out some of her rules:

"The female sleeping quarters will be out-of-bounds for all males, and the
male dormitory to the females.  Anybody caught breaking this rule will be
fined $20 the first time."

She continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be
fined $60.  Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180.  Are
there any questions?"

At this point, an older gentleman stood up in the crowd inquired:  "How
much for a season pass?

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Subject: Dali Lama,  Finding Serenity
 Click here
This is very profound.

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 From Wally
Subject: What are these Turkeys doing?
 Click here

Subject: A Shocked Community

Queensland Police announced the discovery of,
200 semi-automatic rifles,
250,000 rounds of ammunition,
10 anti-tank missiles,
4 grenade launchers,
2 tons of heroin,
$12 million in forged bills and
A brothel with 14 prostitutes,

All in a housing project, behind The Townsville Public Library.
Aitkenvale folks were stunned, and a community spokesperson said:
"We are absolutely stunned, we never knew we had a library.”

Subject: A Dedicated Nurse

A male patient was lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask
over his mouth and nose,still heavily sedated from a difficult four-hour
surgical procedure.
A young student nurse came into his room, ready to give him a partial
sponge bath.
Nurse, he mumbled from behind the mask. Are my testicles black?

Embarrassed, the young nurse replied: I don't know, Sir.
I'm only here to wash your upper body.

He struggled to ask again: Nurse, are my testicles black?

Concerned that he might elevate his vitals from concern about his
testicles,
She overcame her embarrassment and sheepishly pulled back the covers.
She raised his gown, held his penis in one hand and his testicles in the
other,
lifting and moving them around and around gently.
Then, she took a close look and said: No sir, they aren't.
  And I assure you, there's nothing wrong with them!!

The man weakly pulled off his oxygen mask, smiled at her and said, very
slowly:
Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely

A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?

Subject: Unbelievable
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here

Ship hit 3 times in 4 weeks

On Dec 14, 2002, in the early morning's thick fog, on it's
way from Zeebrugge to Southampton, the MV Tricolor, a car carrier, with a
load of almost 3,000 BMWs, Volvos, and Saabs, collided with the container
ship MV Kariba, about 20 miles north of the French coast, in the English
Channel.

The MV Tricolor was damaged enormously above the water line. The MV Kariba
only suffered minor damage, and could still continue on, while the MV
Tricolor capsized onto her side, in 30 metres of water.

No lives were lost, as the crew of 24 were rescued unharmed, by the MV
Kariba. But the 2,862 cars & 77 units of tractors and crane parts, could
not be salvaged.

The English Channel, being one of the world's shipping lanes, had
been buoyed off, and guarded by the French and English navies, in order to
alert other ships to the MV Tricolor's presence.

Despite that, only two days later a tanker, MV Nicola, carrying 70,000
tonnes of highly flammable gas oil, crashed into the wreck of the MV
Tricolor on Jan 1, 2003, after failing to heed to several radio calls, and
finally 2 shots fired across the bow of MV Nicola, by the French frigate FS
Floreal.

On Jan 22, 2003, the third unfortunate accident occurred, when the TB
Abeille Lanuedoc, a French salvage tug, working around the wreck, knocked a
safety valve off the MV Tricolor, resulting in a massive oil spill.

The rescue operation which was taken over by the Dutch company SMIT Salvage
Co. On February 25, 2003, it was reported that the oil recovery operation,
of that which was possible to be safely reached, from the wreck of MV
Tricolor has been completed. The salvage team spent 8 months splitting the 
MV Tricolor wreck, into 9 sections of 3000 tonnes each, and were taken to
Belgian port of Zeebrugge. All the luxury cars, were removed and destroyed.
The operation was declared completed on October 27, 2004.

The lost MV Tricolor and cargo, repairs and the oil lost from MV Nicola,
repairs to MV Kariba, salvage, clean-up oil contamination, English & French
navies, put the cost at over $1.7b. The Royal Society for the Protection of
Birds, said more than 1,000 birds had been found dead, from the oil of MV
Tricolor, MV Nicola, and TB Abeille Lanuedoc.

Subject: Links & Photos
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

Make America Great Again
 Click here

Now This is a Bartender
 Click here

The Robbery (Short Film Language - ED)
 Click here

Magic Rope Trick
 Click here

People are Awesome (Feb-2017)
 Click here

Just another day in Alaska
 Click here

Fearless Animals
 Click here

Subject: Slip Slop, & Slap [XXX]
Slip, Slop, & Slap (Sunscreen Protection)
 Click here

Subject: Wake up Time
 Click here

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From: Whizzbang
Subject:  Just when you think you've seen everything..
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Subject:Fwd: Stuff for older people
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 Click here Click here Click here

Subject: OUR AUSTRALIAN PARLIAMENT
 Click here

A man was riding his Harley along a California beach, when suddenly the sky
cleared above his head and in a booming voice, the Lord said,
'Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you
one wish.' The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii so
that I can ride over anytime I want.' The Lord said, 'Your request is
materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of
undertaking, the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and
the concrete and steel it would take. It will nearly exhaust several
natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your
desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something
that could possibly help mankind.' The biker thought about it for a long
time. Finally, he said, 'Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand
women. I want to know how a woman feels inside, what she's thinking when
she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries,
what she means when she says nothing's wrong, why she snaps and complains
when I try to help, and how I can make a woman truly happy.
The Lord replied, 'You want two lanes or four lanes on that bridge?'

Subject:  A GLASS OF WINE as a senior I learn something every day..gm

To my friends who enjoy a glass of wineand those who don't and are always
seen with a bottle of water in their hand:

As Ben Franklin said: In wine there is wisdom,In beer there is
freedom,****In water there is bacteria.

In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated
that if we drink 1 litre of water each day, at the end of the year we would
have absorbed more than 1 kilo of
Escherichia coli, (E. Coli) – bacteria found in faces.

In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop annually..
However, We do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or rum, whiskey
or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process
of boiling, filtering and fermenting.*
Remember:*
Water = Poop,
*Wine = Health*
Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water
and be full of Sh*t.
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information:
**I'm doing it as a public service**

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Quote of the Week:

A woman is like a teabag, you cant tell how strong she is until you put her
in hot water

  - Eleanor Roosevelt.

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[ End friday humour ]

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