Friday humour - March 03, 2017

Friday Humour is brought to you this week by these contributors:
Anonymous3, Haz, Nottingham Smithie, Sack, Seasoldier, Wally and Whizzbang!
 Here we go with...


XXX for language  Humor  XXX

So anyway, I'm behind this pr*ck who can't f*cking drive.

Weaving all over the place and hasn't got a f*cking clue.

I'm roaring, "You f*cking Paki bastard, learn to drive!!"

"And while you're at it you stupid pr*ck, why don't you f*ck off back to
your own country, you smelly ar*ehole."

You know what the cheeky bastard did?

He stopped and said .

"Get out of my taxi!"


Police harassment

Cop Humour Australia with Evan Davies and 22 others.
February 24, 2016
A local police station received this question from a resident through the
feedback section of a local Police website:

"I would like to know how it is possible for police officers to continually
harass people and get away with it?"

In response, a Sergeant posted this reply:

First of all, let me tell you this... it's not easy. In the rural area we
average one cop for every 505 people. Only about 60 per cent of those cops
are on general duty where we do most of our harassing.

The rest are in non-harassing units that do not allow them contact with the
day to day innocents. At any given moment, only one-fifth of the 60 per
cent of general duties are on duty and available for harassing people while
the rest are off duty. So, roughly, one cop is responsible for harassing
about 6000 residents.

When you toss in the commercial business and tourist locations that attract
people from other areas, sometimes you have a situation where a single cop
is responsible for harassing 15,000 or more people a day.

Now, your average eight-hour shift runs 28,800 seconds long. This gives a
cop two-thirds of a second to harass a person, and then only another third
of a second to drink an iced coffee AND then find a new person to harass.
This is not an easy task. To be honest, most cops are not up to the
challenge day in and day out. It is just too tiring. What we do is utilise
some tools to help us narrow down those people we can realistically harass.

PHONE: People will call us up and point out things that cause us to focus
on a person for special harassment. "My neighbour is beating his wife" is a
code phrase used often. This means we'll come out and give somebody some
special harassment. Another popular one is, "There's a guy breaking into a
house." The harassment team is then put into action.

CARS: We have special cops assigned to harass people who drive. They like
to harass the drivers of fast cars, cars with no insurance or drivers with
no licences and the like. It's lots of fun when you pick them out of
traffic for nothing more obvious than running a red light. Sometimes you
get to really heap the harassment on when you find they have drugs in the
car, they are drunk, or have an outstanding warrant on file.

LAWS: When we don't have phone or cars, and have nothing better to do,
there are actually books that give us ideas for reasons to harass folks.
They are called "statutes". These include the Crimes Act, Summary Offences
Act, Land Transport Act and a whole bunch of others... They spell out all
sorts of things for which you can really mess with people. After you read
the law, you can just drive around for a while until you find someone
violating one of these listed offences and harass them. Just last week I
saw a guy trying to steal a car. Well, the book says that’s not
allowed. That meant I had permission to harass this guy.

It is a really cool system that we have set up, and it works pretty well.
We seem to have a never-ending supply of folks to harass. And we get away
with it. Why? Because, for the good citizens who pay the tab, we try to
keep the streets safe for them, and they pay us to "harass" some people.

Next time you are in the area, give me the old "single finger wave". That's
another one of those codes. It means, "You can harass me." It's one of our


Make America great again (song)
 Click here


Reaction to Horse Meat in Tesco's Hamburgers

In the UK, some supermarkets have admitted that there is horse meat in
their home cook burgers.

Even places like Burger King have had to admit that there are 'small
amounts' of horse meat in their burgers. Tesco is a big supermarket chain
in the UK.

Within hours of the news that Tesco's 'all beef hamburgers' contained 30%
horse meat, these quips hit the internet:

I'm so hungry, I could eat a horse..... I guess Tesco just listened!

Anyone want a burger from Tesco? Yay or neigh?

Not entirely sure how Tesco are going to get over this hurdle.

Waitress in Tesco asked if I wanted anything on my Burger. So I had £5
each way!

Had some burgers from Tesco for my tea last night ... I still have a bit
between my teeth.

A woman has been taken into hospital after eating horse meat burgers from
Tesco. Her condition is said to be stable.

Tesco are now testing all their vegetarian burgers for traces of unicorn.

"I've just checked the Tesco burgers in my freezer ... AND THEY'RE OFF"

Tesco now forced to deny presence of zebra in burgers, as shoppers confuse
barcodes for serving suggestions.

Said to the missus, These Tesco burgers give me the trots....

"To beef or not to beef, that is equestrian".....

A cow walks into a bar. Barman says, "Why the long face?" Cow says "Illegal
ingredients, coming over here stealing our jobs!"

I hear the smaller version of those Tesco burgers make great horse

These Tesco burger jokes are going on a bit....
Talk about flogging a dead horse!


Just had to send this one... LOL...  To all who golf.


A group of guys lived and died for their Sat*rday morning round of golf.
One got transferred to another city. It wasn't the same without him.

A new woman joined their Club.

She overheard the guys talking about their golf round. She said, "You know,
I used to play on my golf team in college and I was pretty good. Would you
mind if I joined you next week?"
The three guys looked at each other. Not one of them wanted to say 'yes',
but she had them on the spot. Finally, one man said it would be okay, but
they would be starting early -- at 6:30 a.m.

He figured the early tee-time would discourage her. The woman said this may
be a problem, and asked if she could be up to 15 minutes late. They rolled
their eyes, but said okay. She smiled and said, "Good, I'll be there at
6:30 or 6:45."

She showed up at 6:30 sharp, and, playing right-handed, beat all three of
them with an eye-opening two-under-par round. She was fun and a pleasant
person, and the guys were impressed. Back at the clubhouse, they
congratulated her and invited her back the next week. She smiled, and said,
"I'll be there at 6:30 or 6:45."

The next week she again showed up at 6:30 sharp. Only this time, she played
left-handed. The three guys were incredulous as she still beat them with an
even par round, despite playing with her off-hand. They were totally
amazed. They couldn't figure her out.

She was again very pleasant and didn't seem to be purposely showing them
up. They invited her back again, but each man harbored a burning desire to
beat her.

The third week, the guys had their game faces on. But this time, she was 15
minutes late, which made the guys irritable. This week the lady again
played right-handed, and narrowly beat all three of them.  The men mused
that her late arrival was due to petty gamesmanship on her part. However,
she was so gracious and so complimentary of their strong play, they
couldn't hold a grudge.

Back in the clubhouse, all three guys were shaking their heads. This woman
was a riddle no one could figure out. They had a couple of beers, and
finally, one of the men asked her point blank, "How do you decide if you're
going to golf right-handed or left-handed?"

The lady blushed, and grinned.

"That's easy," she said. "When my Dad taught me to play golf, I learned I
was ambidextrous. I like to switch back and forth. When I got married after
college, I discovered my husband always sleeps in the nude. From then on, I
developed a silly habit. Right before I left in the morning for golf
practice, I would pull the covers off him. If his you-know-what was
pointing to the right, I golfed right-handed; if it was pointed to the
left, I golfed left-handed."

The guys thought this was hysterical.. Astonished at this bizarre
information, one of the guys shot back, "But what if it's pointing straight
up?" She said, "Then, I'm fifteen minutes late."


The New Car

A retired older couple returned to a Mercedes dealership where the salesman
has just sold the car they had been interested in to a beautiful, leggy,
busty blonde in a mini skirt and a halter top.

The old man was visibly upset. He spoke to the salesman sharply, "Young
man, I thought you said you would hold that car till we raised the $55,000
asking price. Yet I just overheard you closed the deal for $45,000 to the
lovely young lady there. And if I remember right, you had insisted there
was no way you could discount this model."

The salesman took a deep breath, cleared his throat and reached for a large
glass of water. "Well, what can I tell you? She had the cash ready, didn't
need any financing help, and, Sir, just look at her, how could I resist?",
replied the grinning salesman sheepishly.

Just then the young woman approached the senior couple and gave the car
keys to the old man.

"There you go," she said. "I told you I could get that idiot to lower the
price. See you later Dad, Happy Father's day."

Once again.... don't mess with seniors.


When you are 70

I was standing at the bar at the VFW one night minding my own business.

This FAT ugly chick came up behind me, grabbed my behind and said, "You're
kinda cute. You gotta phone number?"

I said, "Yeah, you gotta pen?"

She said, "Yeah, I got a pen".

I said, "You better get back in it before the farmer misses you."

Cost me 6 stitches...but,

When you’re seventy...............who cares?


I went to the drug store and told the clerk "Give me 3 packets of condoms,

Lady Clerk:  "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?”

I said "Nah... She's purty good  lookin'....."

When you’re seventy..............who cares?


I was talking to a young woman in the VFW last night.

She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut,
you'd look all right.”

I said, “If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead
of you.”

Cost me a fat lip, but...

When you’re seventy...............who cares?


I was telling a woman in the Club about my ability to guess what day a
woman was born just by feeling her breasts.

"Really" she said, "Go on then... try."

After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said,
"Come on, what day was I born?"

I said, "Yesterday."

Cost me a kick in the nuts, but...

When you’re seventy...............who cares?


I got caught taking a pee in the swimming pool today.

The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.

When you’re seventy...............who cares?


I went to our VFW last night and saw a BIG woman dancing on a table.

I said, "Good legs."

The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so?"

I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."

Cost me 6 more stitches, but...

When you’re seventy...............who cares?

"Count your life by smiles, not tears, count your age by friends, not
years, and remember we do not quit playing because we grow old.... we grow
old because we quit playing"


Donald Trump In The Holy Land

Donald Trump goes on a fact-finding visit to Israel. While he is on a tour
of Jerusalem he suffers a heart attack and dies. The undertaker tells the
American Diplomats accompanying him, 'You can have him shipped home for
$50,000, or you can bury him here, in the Holy Land for just $100.'

The American Diplomats go into a corner and discuss for a few minutes. They
come back to the undertaker and tell him they want Donald shipped home

The undertaker is puzzled and asks, 'Why would you spend $50,000 to ship
him home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend
only $100?

The American Diplomats replied, 'Long ago a man died here, was buried here,
and three days later he rose from the dead. We just can't take the risk.'



The only cow in a small town in Northern Italy stopped giving milk. So the
town folk found they could buy a cow in Sicily quite cheaply. So, they
brought the cow over from Sicily. It was absolutely wonderful. It produced
lots of milk every day and everyone was happy.

They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows, so they'd never
have to worry about their milk supply again.

They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but whenever the bull tried
to mount the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull
tried, the cow would move away from the bull, and he was never able to do
the deed.

The people were very upset and decided to go to the local veterinarian, Dr.
Fortunate, who was very wise, to tell him what was happening, and to ask
his advice.

"Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away.  If he
approaches from the back, she moves forward.  When he approaches her from
the front, she backs off.  If he attempts it from the one side, she walks
away to the other side."

The veterinarian rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this before
asking, "Did you by chance, buy this cow in Sicily?"

The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned that they had
brought the cow over from Sicily.  "You are truly a wise veterinarian,"
they said.  "How did you know that we got the cow from Sicily?"

The Vet replied with a distant look in his eyes:  "My wife is from Sicily."


The Dangers of Golf

While golfing, I accidentally overturned my golf cart.

A  very attractive golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard
the noise and called out, "Are you okay?"

"I'm okay thanks," I replied as I pulled myself out of the twisted cart.

She said, "Come up to my villa, rest a while, and I'll help you get the
cart up later."  I noticed her silky bathrobe was partially open, revealing
what appeared to be a very nice figure.

"That's mighty nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife would
like it."

"Oh, come on now " she insisted.

She was so pretty, and very, very persuasive.

I was weak.. "Well okay," I finally agreed.

After a couple of Scotch and waters, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot
better now. But I know my wife is going to be really upset. So I'd better
go now."

"Don't be silly!" she said with a smile, letting her robe fall slightly
more open. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is

I replied, "Still under the cart, I guess".


The Best Divorce Letter Ever!!!!!!!!!!!

I think the reply is better....

My Dear husband:
I'm writing this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you.
I've been a good wife to you for the last 20 years & I have nothing to show
for it, and the last 2 weeks have been hell.
Your boss called to tell me that you left your job today which was the last
Last week, you came home & you didn't even notice I had a new hairstyle,
had cooked your favorite meal& even wore a brand new nightie.
You ate in 2 minutes, & went straight to sleep after watching your TV
You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't want s*x or anything that
connects us as husband & wife.
Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore; whatever the
case, I'm gone.
Your EX-Wife.
Don't try to find me. Your BROTHER & I are moving to New Zealand together!
Have a great life!

REPLY:  Dear Ex-wife,
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter.
It's true you & I have been married for 20 years, although a good woman is
a far cry from what you've been.
I watch TV soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining &
Too bad that doesn't work any more.
I DID notice when you got a hair do last week, but the 1st thing that came
to mind was 'You look just like a boy!'
Since my father raised me not to say anything, if you can't say something
nice, I didn't comment......
and when you cooked my favourite meal, you must have got me confused with
MY BROTHER because I haven't eaten prawns for 7 years.
About the new nightie: I turned away from you because the $299.99 price tag
was still on it,& I prayed it was a coincidence that my brother had just
borrowed $300 from me that morning.

After all of this, I still loved you & felt we could work it out. So when I
won the $20 million Lotto, on Sat*rday,I left my job & bought 2 tickets for
us to Paris , but when I got home you were gone.
Everything happens for a reason, I guess.

I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted.
My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dollar
from me.

So take care.

Your Ex-Husband, Rich As Hell & Free!

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my brother Carl was born
I hope that's not a problem.



British carjacking!
There's nothing like British humour to brighten one's day!

Click below:.
 Click here


Creation Explained a Different Way


1.  I think this is hilarious! I NEVER HEARD CREATION EXPLAINED THIS WAY
2.  In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the Earth and populated
the Earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow and red
vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy
3.Then using God's great gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream and
Krispy Creme Donuts. And Satan said, "You want chocolate with that?"And Man
said, "Yes!" and Woman said, "and as long as you're at it, add some
sprinkles." And they gained 10 pounds. And Satan smiled.
4. And God created the healthful yogurt that Woman might keep the figure
that Man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat,
and sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 6 to
size 14.
5. So God said, "Try my fresh green salad." And Satan presented
Thousand-Island Dressing, buttery croutons and garlic toast on the side.
And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.
6. God then said, "I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil
in which to cook them." And Satan brought forth deep fried fish and
chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained more
weight and his cholesterol went through the roof. God then created a light,
fluffy white cake, named it "Angel Food Cake"and said, "It is good." Satan
then created chocolate cake and named it "Devil's Food."
7. God then brought forth running shoes so that His children might lose
those extra pounds. And Satan gave cable TV with a remote control so Man
would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and
cried before the flickering blue light and gained pounds.
8. Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming
with nutrition. And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the
starchy center into chips and deep-fried them. And Man gained pounds.
9. God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and
still satisfy his appetite. And Satan created McDonald's and its 99-cent
double cheeseburger. Then said, "You want fries with that?" And Man
replied, "Yes! And super size them!"And Satan said, "It is good." And Man
went into cardiac arrest.
10. God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.
11. Then Satan created Cuts to the Health Care System. Amen
12. If you don't send this to five old friends right away there will be
five fewer people laughing in the world



A recent article in the West Australian newspaper reported that a woman,
Mrs Maynard, has sued a Perth Hospital, saying that after her husband had
surgery there, he lost all interest in s*x.

A hospital spokesman replied: "Mr. Maynard was admitted for cataract
surgery. All we did was correct his eyesight."


Adult Stress

You pick up a hitchhiker ... a beautiful girl.  Suddenly, she faints inside
your truck and you take her to the hospital. Now that's stressful.

But at the hospital, they say she is pregnant and congratulate you that
you're going to be a father. You say that you are not the father, but the
girl says you are. This is getting very stressful!

You request a DNA test to prove that you are not the father.

After the tests are completed, The doctor says the test shows you're
infertile, and probably have been since birth. You're extremely stressed,
but relieved.
On your way back home, you think about your 5 kids at home.



A husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, "You Can BE THE
Man of Your House."

He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, "From now on, you need
to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law. You will
prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal,
you will serve me a scrumptious dessert.. After dinner, you are going to go
upstairs with me and we will have the kind of s*x that I want!

Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash
my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe.
Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going
to dress me and comb my hair?"
The wife replied, "The funeral director would be my first guess."


Sky Art
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
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 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
Sky Art By God -Absolutely Amazing!


Clever D*ck
 Click here Click here


When the fishing gets tough, Steve Johnson pulls out the big gun, a
penis-shaped lure which he guarantees will work. The Palmerston fisherman
was fishing on the Elizabeth River bridge recently, and was having a
shocker, so decided to pull out the old faithful JP Lure, a penis-like
lure, which he got from a novelty store several years ago.

Within minutes, he'd caught a rock cod on his special lure, and then a
second one not much later.  "I've also caught a barra with it before," he

"It's a deep swimmer, and dives deep down in the water. I was with two
other mates, and they thought I'd never catch anything on that lure, and
then caught two in a row.

It's not often that Mr Johnson needs to pull out his favourite penis lure,
as he saves it for days when the fish aren't biting.

"It's always with me and my fishing gear, but we only bring it out for
special occasions," he said.

He hasn't needed to use the lure since catching the two rock cods, but
knows it's always there if he needs a helping head.

He is now on a search for other fishermen, who have similar luck with a
lure shaped the same.


Postman's Park Memorial to Heroic Self Sacrifice
 Click here Click here


NZ Crab
 Click here

A pair of European backpackers were involved in an unusual incident last
Wednesday night at Uretiti Beach, close to Waipu in the Northland Region of
New Zealand. The couple, a 24-year old Frenchman and a 23-year old Swedish
female, had been travelling around the North Island of New Zealand for
about two months, before setting up camp at the scenic seaside location.

"During the day I spotted them taking a stroll in the buff along the
beach," commented a German backpacker, who had been also staying at the
Uretiti Beach camping ground. At night, I was in my tent when I heard some
unusual sounds coming from the direction of the beach." The German man
decided to investigate to see what was causing the disturbance. "From a
distance, I saw what appeared to be a girl near the water in some distress,
but when I moved closer I realized that she was actually with a man, and
they were engaged in some private activity." Not wanting to disturb the
couple, the German started to return to his camp site, but was halted in
his tracks after hearing a piercing scream. "At first I thought it was the
girl, because the scream was so high-pitched, but when I got approached the
couple I realized it was the male who was in pain."

The French backpacker was in complete agony, and in the dark it wasn't
immediately clear what had happened. "Luckily I'd brought my flash light,
so I shone it over the man's body, and I saw a scene that will haunt me
forever." Attached to the man's testicles was the large claw of a paddle
crab, and it was clamped down tightly. "No wonder the guy was crying like a
girl, that must have been painful." Luckily for the victim, the German man
was able to crush the crab with the flash light, likely saving the
backpacker from losing the ball.

"This incident is most unusual," remarked Professor Robert McIntosh, a
leading expert on crustaceans. "In my experience, the paddle crab is not an
overly aggressive species, and this is the first recorded incident of a
crab attacking a human's reproductive organs."  Without a hint of irony, he
added "In my experience, they much prefer sandy bottoms."


 Click here


New Australians

Interesting to see who passes it on, or sticks their head in the sand..


This is *not* funny ..... its what all of us are thinking but not saying

*Nik Ziogopoulos states what _is_ fact and what we all believe.*

*Nik would be in his 70's at least.*


*Nik Ziogopoulos*

*I emigrated to Australia over 60 years ago – On the ship there were
Poms, Italians (Dagos), Germans (Huns), Yugoslavs (Yuges), Poles,
Ducchys, Ukes (Ukrainians) and Greeks. (Note – All European people!) all
looking forward to starting a new life in Australia . I arrived with 30
quid in my pocket and that’s all I had to my name. Did I put my hand out?
Of course not – I got a job and paid my way just like everyone else who
came to this country back then.*

*Now, it’s my taxes that subsidize these people who think they have Gods
given right (read Allah) to come here and criticize those of us who have
worked for the country we now call home.*

*If I didn’t like what I saw when I got here I would have gone home –
they have the same option.*

*If they don’t want to become an Australian,*



*_When will this stop?_*

*They want two of their own public holidays, because Christians
haveChristmas, Easter and Good Friday.*

*They force our children to eat Halal Meat Pies and Sausage Rolls from the
school canteens, so the Muslim kids can feel more Aussie. We were not
consulted about this change - they went ahead and just did it.*

*Our foods are slowly all becoming Halal foods, our cheeses, chocolates &
even good old sanitarium foods*

*Our Government is ALLOWING this to happen. It has to stop now, while we
still have some power to be able to stop it.*

*_Regarding Our National Anthem_*

*I am sorry, but after hearing they want to sing the National Anthem in
Arabic - enough is enough. Nowhere or at no other time in our nation's
history, did they sing it in Italian, Japanese, Polish, Irish (Celtic),
German, Portuguese, Ukrainian, Greek, or any other language because of

*It was written in English, and should be sung word for word the way it was

*The news broadcasts even gave the translation -- not even close.*

*_I am not sorry if this offends anyone_**, this is MY COUNTRY*

*IF IT IS YOUR COUNTRY SPEAK UP - please pass this along*

*I am not against immigration, just come through like everyone else. Get a
sponsor; have a place to lay your head; have a job; pay your taxes,
live by the rules AND LEARN THE LANGUAGE as all other immigrants have in
the past - and LONG LIVE Australia!!!*


*Think about this:*

*If you don't want to forward this for fear of offending someone*


*Will we still be the Country of Choice and still be Australia if we

*to make the changes forced on us by the people from other countries*

*who have come to live in Australia because it is their Country of Choice?*

*Think about it!*


*_It is Time for Australia to Speak up!_*

*If you agree - pass this along. If you don't agree - delete it!*

*That's your choice*

*..... so be very aware about constitutional changes allowing municipal
bodies to be recognised ..... next it will be demands for Shariah law

….think about it….. _TURN IT AROUND_!!! HC*


Female parrot
 Click here

IT’S NOT A BIRD. And then this landed in my inbox. I could not resist
sharing it.

This parrot is in fact a female model who posed for Johannes Stötter, a
fine art body painter.

Using breathable paint, he spent hours painstakingly turning this woman
into the image of a parrot,

brushstroke by brushstroke. The model’s arm forms the parrot’s head
and beak, and her legs form

the wing and tail feathers.

Remember: Always take a closer look as things aren’t always what they
appear to be.*


"Don't tell people your dreams.  Show them!"

[ End friday humour ]

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