Friday humour - February 24, 2017
As always – thanks for the contributions –Anonymous 3, Burnout,
Digi-Steve, Duke of Barsinov, Sack, Seasoldier, Wally, Whizzbang and
A 'must watch'....even if you do not fish.
In honor of the Super Bowl...
"Gentlemen, it is better to have died a small boy than to fumble the
football" - John Heisman
"I make my practices real hard because if a player is a quitter, I want him
to quit in practice, not in a game."
Bear Bryant / Alabama
"It isn't necessary to see a good tackle, you can hear it!
- Knute Rockne / Notre Dame
"At Georgia Southern, we don't cheat. That costs money, and we don't have
Erik Russell / Georgia Southern
"The man who complains about the way the ball bounces is likely to be the
one who dropped it."
Lou Holtz / Arkansas - Notre Dame
"When you win, nothing hurts."
Joe Namath / Alabama
"A school without football is in danger of deteriorating into a medieval
Frank Leahy / Notre Dame
"There's nothing that cleanses your soul like getting the sh*t kicked out
-Woody Hayes / Ohio State
"I don't expect to win enough games to be put on NCAA probation.I just want
to win enough to warrant an investigation."
Bob Devaney / Nebraska
"In Alabama, an atheist is someone who doesn't believe in Bear Bryant."
Wally Butts / Georgia
"I never graduated from Iowa.But I was only there for two terms - Truman's
Alex Karras / Iowa
"My advice to defensive players is to take the shortest route to the ball,
and arrive in a bad humor.
Bowden Wyatt / Tennessee
"I could have been a Rhodes Scholar except for my grades."
- Duffy Daugherty / Michigan State
"Always remember Goliath was a 40 point favorite over David."
Shug Jordan / Auburn
"I asked Darrell Royal, the coach of the Texas Longhorns, why he didn't
He said,"Well, Walt, we took a look at you, and you weren't any good."
Walt Garrison / Oklahoma State
"Son, you've got a good engine, but your hands aren't on the steering
Bobby Bowden / Florida State
"Football is NOT a contact sport, it is a collision sport. Dancing IS a
contact sport Duffy Daugherty / Michigan State
After USC lost 51-0 to Notre Dame, his post-game message to his team was,
"All those who need showers, take them."
John McKay / USC
"If lessons are learned in defeat, our team is getting a great education.
Murray Warmath / Minnesota
"The only qualifications for a lineman are to be big and dumb. To be a
back, you only have to be dumb."
Knute Rockne / Notre Dame
"We live one day at a time and scratch where it itches."
Darrell Royal / Texas
"We didn't tackle well today, but we made up for it by not blocking."
John McKay / USC
"I've found that prayers work best when you have big players."
Knute Rockne / Notre Dame
Ohio State 's Urban Meyer on one of his players: "He doesn't know the
meaning of the word fear. In fact, I just saw his grades and he doesn't
know the meaning of a lot of words.
Why do Auburn fans wear orange? So they can dress that way for the game on
Sat*rday, go hunting on Sunday, and pick up trash on Monday.
What does the average Alabama player get on his SATs?
How many Michigan State freshmen football players does it take to change a
None. That's a sophomore course.
How did the Auburn football player die from drinking milk?
The cow fell on him.
Two Texas A&M football players were walking in the woods. One of them said,
"Look, a dead bird." The other looked up in the sky and said,"Where?"
What do you say to a Florida State University football player dressed in a
"Will the defendant please rise."
If three Rutgers football players are in the same car, who is driving?
The police officer.
How can you tell if a Clemson football player has a girlfriend?
There's tobacco juice on both sides of the pickup truck.
What do you get when you put 32 Arkansas cheerleaders in one room?
A full set of teeth.
University of Michigan Coach Jim Harbaugh is only going to dress half of
his players for the game this week; the other half will have to dress
How is the Kansas football team like an opossum?
They play dead at home and get killed on the road.
Why did the Tennessee linebacker steal a police car?
He saw "911" on the side and thought it was a Porsche.
How do you get a former University of Miami football player off your porch?
Pay him for the pizza.
This pet buffalo has the run of the house | New York Post
German Commercial filmed in a coed steam bath...hot stuff!!
*The passenger riding with the pilot who lost communications was on a
cellular phone. He yelled, œMayday, mayday!! The pilot had an instant and
fatal heart attack. I grabbed his cell phone out of his pocket and he had
told me before we took off he had the tower on his speed dial memory. I am
flying upside down at 18,000 feet and traveling at 180 mph. Mayday,
The employee in the tower immediately put him on speaker phone.
Calm down, we acknowledge you and well guide you down after a few
questions. The first thing is not to panic, remain calm!
He then began his series of questions:
Tower: How do you know you are traveling at 18,000 feet?
Aircraft: I can see that it reads 18,000 feet on the Altimeter dial in
front of me.
Tower: Okay, thats good, remain calm. How do you know youre traveling at
Aircraft: I can see that it reads 180 mph on the Airspeed dial in front of
Tower: Okay, this is great so far, but its heavily overcast, so how do you
know youre flying upside down?
Aircraft: The sh*t in my pants is running out of my shirt collar.
Why men should do the shopping........
The British are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Syria and
have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved."
Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or
"A Bit Cross." The British have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in
1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorised
from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a
"Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish
The Scots have raised their threat level from "P*ssed Off" to "Let's get
the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they
have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300
The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror
alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are
"Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire
that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralysing the
country's military capability.
Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to
"Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat
Operations" and "Change Sides."
The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to
"Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher
levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat
they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels ..
The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy.
These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy
can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to
"She'll be right, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I
think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is
cancelled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the last
And as a final thought - Greece is collapsing, the Iranians are getting
aggressive, and Rome is in disarray. Welcome back to 430 BC.
Life is such fun!!!!!
29 Lines To Make You Smile
1. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was
God and I didn't. .
2. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
4. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke .
5. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
6. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
7. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder .
8. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe .
9. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.
10. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes .
11. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room- spinning
12. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
13. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
14. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
15. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
16. Being 'over the hill' is much better than being under it!
17. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up .
18 . Procrastinate Now!
19. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries with That?
20. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
21. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
22. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
23. They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken .
24 . He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.
25. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand
times the memory.
26 . Ham and eggs...A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a
27. The trouble with life is there's no background music .
28. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
29. I smile because I don't know what the heck is going on.
Australian Bush Poetry With A Passion
The pub had not been open long when paddy struggled in.
The tears flowed freely from his eyes and dribbled down his chin.
The publican was most concerned at Pats distressing state.
Come in and sit and talk a while not what's the matter mate?
Through the tears and sobs Pat blurted out me ma in Irelands passed away,
me sister phoned this morning and the funerals on today.
Ah come now Pat just sit with me and have this tot of rum,
just think of all the good times that you had with your dear mum.
The rum and kind words settled Pat and slightly worse for wear he staggered
home to get some rest his grief alone to bear.
But morning saw Pat back again and looking grim no doubt.
Ah come on Pat the barman said we had this sorted out.
I was ok Patrick replied
sure things were going swell.
But me brother called me up last night and his ma's died as well.
APRIL IS TAX TIME]
A woman walks into an accountant's office and tells him that she needs to
file her taxes.
The accountant says, "before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few
"He gets her name, address, Social security number, etc. and then asks,
"what's your occupation?"
"I'm a Lady of the night," she says.
The accountant is somewhat taken aback and says, "let's try to rephrase
"The woman says, "ok, I'm a high-end call girl."
"No, that still won't work. Try again."
"They both think for a minute; then the woman says, "I'm an elite chicken
The accountant asks, "what does chicken farming have to do with being a
"Well, I raised a thousand little peckers last year."
The accountant says, "Chicken Farmer it is."
An interesting fact about Manure: In the 16th and 17th centuries,
everything for export had to be transported by ship.
It was also before the invention of commercial fertilizers, so large
shipments of manure were quite common.
It was shipped dry, because in dry form it weighed a lot less than when
wet, but once water (at sea) hit it, not only did it become heavier, but
the process of fermentation began again, of which a by-product is methane
As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles - you can imagine what could
(and did) happen.
Methane began to build up below decks and the first time someone came below
at night with a lantern, BOOOOM!
Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was determined just
what was happening.
After that, the bundles of manure were always stamped with the instruction
Stow high in transit them, which meant for the sailors to stow it high
enough off the lower decks so that any water that came into the hold would
not touch this "volatile" cargo and start the production of methane.
Thus evolved the term ' S.H.I.T ' , (Stow High In Transit) which has come
down through the centuries and is in use to this very day.
You probably did not know the true history of this word.
Neither did I.
I had always thought it was a golf term.
-Trump's Health care package
The Allergists were in favor of scratching it, but the Dermatologists
advised not to make any rash moves.
The Gastroenterologists had a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists
thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.
Meanwhile, Obstetricians felt certain everyone was laboring under a
misconception, while the Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted.
Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!"
while the Pediatricians said, "Oh, grow up!"
The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the
Radiologists could see right through it.
Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing and the Internists
claimed it would indeed be a bitter pill to swallow.
The Plastic Surgeons opined that this proposal would "put a whole new face
on the matter."
The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were
p*ssed off at the whole idea.
Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and those lofty
Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say "No."
In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to
the as*holes in Washington.
A Pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.
The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race
again, and it won again.
The local paper read:
PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the
Pastor not to enter the donkey in another race..
The next day, the local paper headline read:
BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.
This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the Pastor to get rid of
The Pastor decided to give it to a Nun in a nearby Convent..
The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the
NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.
The Bishop fainted!
He informed the Nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she
sold it to a farmer for $10.
The next day the papers read:
NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.
This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the
donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.
The next day the headlines read:
NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.
The Bishop was buried the next day.
The moral of the story is ....
Being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery.
It can even shorten your life..
..So be yourself and enjoy life to the fullest.
Stop worrying about
everyone else's ass and you'll be a lot happier and live longer!
Have a nice day!
And remember... sharing is caring!
WELCOME to 2017
Our Phones – Wireless
Cooking – Fireless
Cars – Keyless
Food – Fatless
Dress – Sleeveless
Youth – Jobless
Leaders – Shameless
Relationships – Meaningless
Attitudes – Careless
Babies – Fatherless
Feelings – Heartless
Education – Valueless
Children - Mannerless
We are - SPEECHLESS,
Government is - CLUELESS,
And our Politicians are - WORTHLESS!
The Times they are a Changing
In 1998, Kodak had 170,000 employees and sold 85% of all photo paper
Within just a few years, their business model disappeared and they went
What happened to Kodak will happen in a lot of industries in the next 10
years and, most people won't see it coming.Did you think in 1998
that 3 years later you would never take pictures on film again?
Yet digital cameras were invented in 1975.The first ones only had 10,000
pixels, but followed Moore's law.So as with all exponential technologies,
it was a disappointment for a time, before it became way superior and
became mainstream in only a few short years.It will now happen again with
Artificial Intelligence, health, autonomous and electric cars, education,
3Dprinting, agriculture and jobs. Welcome to the 4th Industrial Revolution.
Software will disrupt most traditional industries in the next 5-10 years.
Uber is just a software tool, they don't own any cars, and are now the
biggest taxi company in the world.
Airbnb is now the biggest hotel company in the world, although they don't
own any properties.
Artificial Intelligence:Computers become exponentially better in
understanding the world.This year, a computer beat the best Go-player in
the world, 10 years earlier than expected.
In the US, young lawyers already don't get jobs. Because of IBM's Watson,
you can get legal advice within seconds, with 90% accuracy, compared with
70% accuracy when done by humans.
So if you study law, stop immediately.There will be 90% less lawyers in the
future, only specialists will remain.
Watson already helps nurses diagnosing cancer, it's 4 times more
accurate than human nurses.
Facebook now has a pattern recognition software that can recognize faces
better than humans.In 2030, computers will become more intelligent than
Autonomous cars: In 2018 the first self-driving cars will appear for the
public. Around 2020, the complete industry will start to be disrupted. You
don't want to own a car anymore.You will call a car with your phone, it
will show up at your location and drive you to your destination. You will
not need to park it, you only pay for the driven distance, and can be
productive while driving.
Our kids will never get a drivers licence, and will never own a car.
It will change the cities, because we will need 90-95% less cars for
that.We can transform former parking spaces into buildings or parks.
1.2 million People die each year in car accidents worldwide.We now have one
accident every 60,000 miles (100,000 km), with autonomous driving, that
will drop to 1 accident in 6million miles (10 million km). That will save a
million lives each year.
Most car companies will probably become bankrupt.Traditional car companies
try the evolutionary approach and just build a better car, while tech
companies (Tesla, Apple, and Google) will do the revolutionary approach and
build a computer on wheels.
Many engineers from Volkswagen and Audi; are completely terrified of Tesla.
Insurance companies will have massive trouble because without accidents,
the insurance will become 100x cheaper. Their car insurance business model
Real estate will change.Because if you can work while you commute, people
will move further away to live in a more beautiful neighbourhood.
Electric cars will become mainstream about 2020.Cities will be less noisy
because all new cars will run on electricity.
Electricity will become incredibly cheap and clean:Solar production has
been on an exponential curve for 30 years, but you can now see the
Last year, more solar energy was installed worldwide than fossil.Energy
companies are desperately trying to limit access to the grid, to prevent
competition from home solar installations, but that can't last.Technology
will take care of that strategy.
With cheap electricity comes cheap and abundant water. Desalination of salt
water now only needs 2kWh per cubic metre. We don't have scarce water in
most places, we only have scarce drinking water. Imagine what will be
possible if anyone can have as much clean water as he wants, for nearly no
Health: The Tricorder X price will be announced this year.There are
companies who will build a medical device (called the "Tricorder" from Star
Trek) that works with your phone, which takes your retina scan, your blood
sample, and you breathe into it.
It then analyses 54 bio-markers that will identify nearly any disease.It
will be cheap, so in a few years everyone on this planet will have access
to world class medical analysis, nearly for free Goodbye, medical
3D printing: The price of the cheapest 3D printer came down from $18,000 to
$400 within 10 years. In the same time, it became 100 times faster. All
major shoe companies have already started 3D printing shoes.
Some spare airplane parts are already 3D printed in remote airports.The
space station now has a printer, that eliminates the need for the large
amount of spare parts, they used to have in the past.
At the end of this year, new smart phones will have 3D scanning
possibilities. You can then 3D scan your feet and print your perfect shoe
In China, they already 3D printed and built a complete 6-storey office
building.By 2027, 10% of everything that's being produced will be 3D
Business opportunities: If you think of a niche you want to go in, first
ask yourself: "In the future, do I think we will have that?" and if the
answer is yes, how can you make that happen sooner?
If it doesn't work with your phone, forget the idea.And any idea designed
for success in the 20th century, is doomed to failure in the 21st century.
Work: 70-80% of jobs will disappear in the next 20 years. There will be a
lot of new jobs, but it is not clear if there will be enough new jobs in
such a short time.This will require a rethink on wealth distribution.
Agriculture: There will be a $100 agricultural robot in the future.Farmers
in 3rd world countries can then become managers of their field, instead of
working all day on their fields.
Geoponics will need much less water.The first Petri dish produced veal, is
now available and will be cheaper than cow produced veal in 2018. Right
now, 30% of all agricultural surfaces is used for cows.Imagine if we don't
need that space anymore.
There are several start-ups who will bring insect protein to the market
shortly.It contains more protein than meat. It will be labelled as
"alternative protein source" (because most people still reject the idea of
There is an app called moodiest" which can already tell in which mood
youre in.By 2020 there will be apps that can tell by your facial
expressions, if you are lying.Imagine a political debate where it's being
displayed when they're telling the truth and when theyre not.
A crusty old biker is out on a long summer ride in the Queensland
countryside. He pulls up to a tavern in the middle of nowhere, parks his
bike and walks inside.
As he passes through the swinging doors, he sees a sign hanging over bar:
COLD BEER : $2.00
MEAT PIE : $2.25
BACON & EGG PIE : $2.50
WORKS BURGER : $3.50
HAND JOB : $50.00
Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary cash, he walks up to
the bar, and waits patiently for the very attractive barmaid, who is
serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled farmers.
She glides down behind the bar to the old biker.
"Yes?" she enquires with a wide, knowing smile. "May I help you?"
The old biker leans over the bar, "I was wondering young lass," he
whispers, "Are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"
She looks into his eyes with a wide smile and purrs, "Why yes, yes I am".
The old biker leans closer, and into her left ear whispers softly, "Well,
go wash your hands really well sweetie, cause I want a Meat Pie".
After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, British scientists found
traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that
their anc...estors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.
Not to be outdone by the British, in the weeks that followed, an American
archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story
published in the New York Times: "American archaeologists, finding traces
of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already
had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the
One week later, Australia's Northern Territory Times, reported the
"After digging as deep as 30 feet in his backyard in Tennant Creek,
Territory, aboriginal Billi Bunji, a self-taught archaeoloisgt, reported
that he found absolutely f*ck-all.
Billi has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Australia had already
Makes me feel bloody proud to be Australian!
Plumber of the Year Awards
Should have measured twice!
Apparently, you don't want anyone seeing your face, but everything else
The oak seat is a nice touch, though.
And the purpose for the door is?
This stall is for people that have arms like an Orangutan.
This would be the "half bath" noted in the real estate listing?
Very Classy! And, only three steps to the throne when you're in a hurry!
How does this even get past the planning phase? I guess you have to pee
in your buddy's back pocket if you are not first.
And now drum roll please.
AND THE PLUMBER OF THE YEAR AWARD GOES TO:
RUSSIA'S WORST MOTOR BIKE RIDERS [SEC=UNCLASSIFIED]
Voted Best Scottish Short Joke
A bloke walks into a Glasgow library and says to the prim librarian,
Excuse me Miss, dey ye hae ony books on suicide?'
To which she stops doing her tasks, looks at him over the top of her
glasses and says
'Bugger off, ye'll no bring it back.
Male SELF EXAMINATION FOR ALZHEIMER'S DISEASE....It takes less than 15
If you are male and over 60 yrs old, you SHOULD take this Alzheimer's Test
How fast can you guess these words and fill-in the blanks?
1. _ _NDOM
2. F_ _K
You got all 6 wrong...didn't you?
The good news is:
You do NOT have Alzheimer's.
You are a pervert.
The Irish are always the first ones to come to the aid of their fellow
man...passengers, in this case!
Shortly after take-off on an outbound, evening Aer Lingus flight from
Dublin to Boston, the lead flight attendant nervously made the following
painful announcement in her lovely Irish brogue:"Ladies and gentlemen, I'm
so very sorry, but it appears that there has been a terrible mix-up by our
catering service. I don't know how this has happened, but we have 103
passengers on board, and unfortunately, we received only 40 dinner meals. I
truly apologize for this mistake and inconvenience."
When the muttering of the passengers had died down, she continued, "Anyone
who is kind enough to give up their meal so that someone else can eat, will
receive free drinks for the duration of our 10 hour flight
*/Her next announcement came about 2 hours later: "If anyone is hungry, we
still have 40 dinners available."
Rare Luftwaffe WWII photos
Drone Photos (Around the world from what has never been seen before!!!)
Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
Click here Click here Click here Click here
*The drone really gives you a different perspective.
The team consists of nine photographers and three tech specialists who
have a portfolio of 230 locations
Dubai never ceases to impress, but this aerial shot of the skyline by
AirPano shows the city in an incredible new light
Only a photograph from above like this one can demonstrate the vast size
of the Angel Falls in Venezuela
This perfectly ordered city is Barcelona, Spain - captured in the middle
is the famous Sagrada Familia church
Is there a pot of gold? A rainbow perfectly captured at the Victoria Falls
Iguacu Falls, Argentina is just one of the stunning aerial shots shown off
in AirPano's spectacular collection
Winter wonderland! A stunning photo of Mount Everest, Earth's highest
mountain, located in the Mahalangur
section of the Himalayas
New perspective! It could confuse at first, but this is actually the Arc
de Triomphe in Paris, photographed entirely
Concrete jungle lit up!A magical panoramic shot of Manhattan City Line at
night,with the Empire State Building
gleaming to the left and the Chrysler building towards the centre
AirPano captured the unique moment Volcano Plosky Tolbachik spurted lava
in Kamchatka, Russia
AirPano perfectly shot Manhattan in New York, with views for kilometres
stretching out in the background
Looking down, down under! Australia's barrier reef looks like a brilliant
shade of turquoise in this capture
See the Taj Mahal from a new angle!The Indian landmark has been captured
many times before,
but the team took a new perspective
One of the spectacular wonders of the world from above. The Ha Long island
dotted in the Vietnamese bay
The Pyramids in Egypt made AirPano's 100 Best Places on the Planet list,
which the team set out to capture over
the years since they started in 2006
Project coordinator Sergey Semenov revealed that after initially working
with spherical panoramas on land,
the group decided to take to the skies
Pictured here is the Singapore Flyer
Poor planning on trucks with sliding doors!!
Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
Poor planning on trucks with sliding doors!!
2. Pen Dennis Yachts
3. Wallbank Fencing
4. Hits 99.1FM
5. Mitchell's Wholesale Provedores
6. XL Pools
Links & Photos
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Click here Click here Click here
Links & Photos
VW Trailer Assist
Win a Brand New Harrier Jet
Military Advice (Oldie but a Goodie)
Colonel Sanders â€“ You are never Too Old
This could Hurt your Finger
Click here Click here
This could Hurt your Finger
Second Photo Below
Yes Officer what seems to be the problem
A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale hits the
Middle East .
Two million Muslims die and over a million are injured. Iraq , Iran and
Syria are totally ruined and the governments don't know whereto start with
providing help to rebuild.
The rest of the world is in shock.
The USA is sending troops to help keep the peace.
Saudi Arabia is sending oil.
Latin American countries are sending clothing.
New Zealand and Australia are sending sheep, cattle and food.
The Asian countries are sending labour to assist in rebuilding the
Canada is sending medical teams and supplies.
GREAT BRITAIN, not to be outdone, is sending two million replacement
God Bless GREAT BRITAIN , damn those Brits are smart!!
Hidden Levy from 1946 - Thieving Gov
Opinion: Arrogant politicians should be ready for a pensioners revolt
Brian Hale, The Courier-Mail-January 11, 2017
THE stigma of charity should be removed from the age pension. It should be
an entitlement earned by the persons personal contribution to the fund,
said a very famous Australian long ago.Who? Former Prime Minister Sir
Robert Menzies. When? At the time the current pension scheme was
introduced. Fund? What fund and what personal contribution?
You wouldnt know about it listening to the major parties politicians or
Senate crossbencher David Leyonhjelm who, echoing former Treasurer Joe
Hockey, told the ABC he wants Australians to drop their sense of
entitlement to the aged pension, which should only be paid to poor people,
and receiving it should be nothing to be proud of.
Well, no David, most pensioners worked and spent a lifetime paying for
their pensions. Its not welfare and, when it was introduced, it was
actually meant to be an entitlement. A 7.5 per cent tithe was taken from
wages to put into a fund to pay their pensions. Just as workers now have
What a good idea! Unfortunately (for pensioners) the Labor Party insisted
the contributions shouldnt be kept in individual accounts as in the UK and
the US where retirees get the entitlement earned by their contributions.
Instead, it all went into one big pot, the National Welfare Fund. And when
the pot got really big, the politicians took it.
They wont talk about the historical facts because these days politicians
have developed a new ending the age of entitlement narrative while pushing
the disingenuous line that younger workers are paying tax to support
pensioners. Menzies was opposition leader when then prime minister Ben
Chifley announced a National Welfare Fund to pay for pensions, unemployment
relief, child endowments, even health care with a 7.5 per cent tax
Menzies insisted that the Compulsory Contribution (levy) should be kept
completely separate; that it should be paid straight into a trust account
and not mixed with the general revenue.The levy and the National Welfare
Fund began on January 1, 1946, and contributions were shown separately on
workers personal tax assessments for 1946, 1947, 1948, 1949 and 1950, with
the money paid straight into the special fund from which claims were paid
In 1950 the balance in the fund was almost Â£100 million or $200 million
“ in today's money the equivalent of several trillion dollars.
But the pot was too big for the politicians to leave alone. Menzies,
supported by the Australian Labor Party, amended the Acts governing the
fund so the compulsory contributions levy was lumped in with peoples income
tax and the whole lot paid straight into consolidated revenue.
But the compulsory 7.5 per cent levy was still collected and spent.
In 1977 Liberal PM Malcolm Fraser transferred the balance left in the
welfare fund account (by then almost $500 million, or several trillion in
todays terms) to consolidated revenue. But still the 7.5 per cent was taken
out of everyoneâs pay packet every week. Then in 1985 the Labor Government
repealed Acts No. 39, 40 and 41 of 1945 (The National Welfare Fund Acts)
and introduced income and asset testing, thus excluding millions of levy
and taxpaying Australians from receiving the pension for which they had
But still the 7.5 per cent levy continued to be collected (while hidden in
general income tax revenue.) And to this day it still is collected.
There have been estimates that the trillions of dollars stolen from the
fund and the money paid and similarly stolen (sorry, transferred) since
1985 would be enough to pay a non-means-tested pension to every retiree of
far more than $500 a week.If it had been invested, like the Future Fund,
the pension might be $1000 a week. Small beer compared with the politicians
pension deals but a huge leap for older Aussies, 420,000 of whom had their
age pensions cancelled or reduced from January 1.
Ironically, they are the very pensioners who would have the highest
pensions if their personal contribution to the â€œfund was the
yardstick as in the UK and the US.They probably generally have been
Coalition voters. But no more.
Spend time in the RSLs, bowling clubs, voluntary organisations and the
like, where these people gather and it is clear they are Liberal-National
voters no more.In lieu of an Australian Trump, they see no alternative but
The Coalition, supported by Labor and the Greens, has turned 180 degrees
from Menzies view the age pension is an entitlement earned by the
personâs personal contribution to the fund and portrays it as charity.
For many Australians this alone shows how far the parties they once
supported have strayed from principle.
The arrogant politicians think they can hypocritically and sanctimoniously
speak condescendingly of older Australians. They are in for a shock.
Brian Hale is a former business editor of The Courier-Mail and The
Funnies for the new year
Click here Click here
Just read that 4,153,237 people got married last year, not to cause any
trouble but shouldn't that be an even number?
Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the
local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.
I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming
and yelling like the passengers in his car.
If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they would
eventually find me attractive.
I find it ironic that the colours red, white, and blue stand for freedom
until they are flashing behind you.
When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90 % of their body... men are so polite
they only look at the covered parts.
A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight, live
longer than the men who mention it.
Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and
America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to
fight for democracy but won't cross the street to vote.
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That's
your common sense leaving your body.
Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of
captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and
throw them fish?
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about
I think my neighbour is stalking me as she's been googling my name on her
computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.
Strong people don't put others down. They lift them up and slam them on the
ground for maximum damage.
Money talks ...but all mine ever says is good-bye.
You're not fat, you're just... easier to see.
If you think nobody cares whether you're alive, try missing a couple of
payments to the bank
[ End friday humour ]
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