Friday humour - February 17, 2017

From Burnout @ Bluehaze:

From: Burnout
Subject: The Hotel Bill

An elderly lady from the Blue Mountains decided to give herself a big treat
for her 70th birthday by staying overnight in a really nice hotel in ˜the
Big Smoke.  Sydney City.

When she checked out the next morning, the desk clerk handed her a bill for
$350.00.
She demanded to know why the charge was so high.
"I agree it's a nice hotel, but the rooms aren't worth $350.00 for just an
overnight stay!
I didn't even have breakfast."
The clerk told her that $350.00 is the 'standard rate', and a full
breakfast was included - had she wanted it.
She insisted on speaking to the Manager.
The Manager appeared and, forewarned by the desk clerk, announced:
"This hotel has a gymnasium and an Olympic-sized heated pool and a huge
conference centre, which areavailable for use."
"But I didn't use them," she said.
''Well, they are here, and you could have," explained the Manager.
He went on to explain that she could also have seen one of the in-hotel
shows for which they were so famous. For no extra charge. All included in
the ‘standard rate’.
"We have the best entertainers, from all over the world performing here,"
the Manager said.
"But I didn't go to any of those shows," she said.
"Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replied.
No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, she replied, "But I didn't
useit!" and the Manager countered with his standard response.
After several minutes discussion, and with the Manager still unmoved, she
decided to pay.  She wrote out a cheque and gave it to him.
The Manager was surprised when he looked at the cheque. "But Madam,
this cheque is only for $50.00."

"That's correct,  I charged you $300.00 for sleeping with me," she replied.
"But I didn't!" exclaimed the very surprised Manager.
"Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have."

Subject: One armed bandits & the Russians (Interesting News Article).

For those of you who take a mild interest in the pokies:
 Click here

   ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Digi Steve
Subject: Humour - Fishing

A woman goes into Cabelas to buy a rod and reel for her grandsons birthday.
She doesnt know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to
the counter.
The clerk was standing behind the counter wearing dark glasses. She says to
him, Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel? He
says, Maam, Im completely blind; but if youll drop it on the counter, I can
tell you everything from the sound it makes.

She doesnt believe him but drops it on the counter anyway. He says, Thats a
6-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-pound test
line. Its a good all-around combination, and its on sale this week for only
$20.

She says, Its amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it
dropping on the counter. Ill take it!

As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor. Oh, that sounds
like a MasterCard, he says.

She bends down to pick it up and accidentally farts. At first she is really
embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell
it was her who tooted. Being blind, he wouldnt know that she was the only
person around?

The man rings up the sale and says, Thatll be $34.50 please.

The woman is totally confused by this and asks, Didnt you tell me the rod
and reel were on sale for $20? How did you get $34.50?

He replies, Yes, maam. The rod and reel is $20, but the Duck Call is $11,
and the Catfish Bait is $3.50.

She paid it and left without saying a word.

   ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Sack
Subject:  Military advice
 Click here

   ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Seasoldier
Subject: Merger surprise

Pfizer & Pepsi to Merge

This will no doubt put Coca Cola out of business in the near future...!

The Pfizer Corporation announced today that Viagra will soon be available
in liquid form and this new product will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a
power beverage suitable for use as a mixer.

It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.
Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning
to the names of c*cktails, highballs and just a good old-fashioned stiff
drink. Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.

Thought for the day...There is more money being spent on breast implants
and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2025,
there should be a large elderly population with perky b*obs, huge erections
and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

Subject: Fw: LEARNING TO CUSS !@#%!@#%^

LEARNING TO CUSS

A 6 year old and a 4 year old are raking the yard.

The 6 year old asks, "You know what? I think it's about time we started
learning to cuss."

The 4 year old nods his head in approval.

The 6 year old continues,"When we go in for breakfast, I'm gonna say
something with hell and you say something with ass."

The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.
When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he
wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some
Cheerios.

WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets
up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit,
slapping his rear with every step.

His mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can stay there until I let
you out!"

She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a
stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"

"I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat ass it won't be
Cheerios!"

  Subject: Fw: Fw: History of Immigration

Very enlightening!  Well put together!
 Click here

Subject: Marijuana Filled Firewood in Newfoundland

'Hello, is this the Police Office?'
Yes.. What can I do for you?'
I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Jack Murphy...He's hidin' marijuana
inside his firewood! Don't quite know how he gets it inside them logs, but
he's hidin' it there..'
'Thank you very much for the call, sir.'

The next day, twelve St Johns Police Officers descend on Jack's house. They
search the shed where the firewood is kept.
Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They
sneer at Jack and leave.

Shortly, the phone rings at Jack's house.
'Hey, Jack! This here's Floyd....Did the Police come?'
'Yeah!'
'Did they chop your firewood?'
'Yep!'
'Happy Birthday, buddy!'

(Newfies know how to get'er done)

Subject: The Goodnight Kiss

One night a guy takes his girlfriend home.  As they are about to kiss each
other goodnight at the front door, the guy starts feeling a little amorous.
 With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and
smiling, he says to her,  "Honey, would you have s*x with me?”
Horrified, she replies, "Are you mad?  My parents will see us!”

"Oh come on!  Who's gonna see us at this hour?" he asks, grinning at her.

No, please.  Can you imagine if we get caught?

"Oh come on!  There's nobody around, they're all sleeping!”

No way. Its just too risky!

Oh please,please. love you so much!

No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just cant!

Oh yes you can. Please?

No, no. I just cant!

Im begging you . . .

Out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on, and the girls older
  sister shows up in her pajamas, hair disheveled, and in a sleepy voice,
she says: Dad says to go ahead and have s*x with him, or I can do it, or if
need be, mom says she can come down herself and do it . . . but for Gods
sake, tell him to take his hand off the intercom!"

   ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Whizzbang
Subject: Ummm
 Click here

Subject: Hypnotist at a Seniors Home

It was entertainment night at the senior citizens' center. After the
community sing along led by Alice at the piano, it was time for the star of
the show - Claude the Hypnotist!

Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance.
"Yes, each and every one of you and all at the same time." said
Claude.
The excited chatter dropped to silence as Claude carefully withdrew from
his waistcoat pocket a beautiful antique gold pocket watch and chain.
"I want you to keep your eyes on this watch" said Claude, holding the watch
high for all to see. "It is a very special and valuable watch that has been
in my family for six generations" said Claude.

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting
"Watch the watch ---  Watch the watch --- Watch the watch"
The audience became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth.
The lights were twinkling as they were reflected from its gleaming
surfaces. A hundred and fifty pairs of eyes followed the movements of the
gently swaying watch.
They were hypnotized. And then, suddenly, the chain broke! The beautiful
watch fell to the stage and burst apart on impact"

"SH*T" said Claude.
It took them three days to clean the Senior citizens' Center and Claude was
never invited there again.

Subject: TV Programme pulled off air because of political correctness! very
very scary

He and all his kids and wives should be on the first boat to Italy that
sinks

UNBELIEVABLE !!

This clip from AUSTRALIAs Today Tonight was pulled off air and was never
aired!
This clip was made by Today Tonight, Channel 7 a while ago.
Due to political correctness it was decided not to broadcast it.
However it has been leaked out.
Judge for yourself, and pass it on...
Is the Government and Centrelink totally blind to what is going on?
 Click here

Subject: It's started already in Arizona........ This is really sad!

TRUMP IS ALREADY DESTROYING THE ECONOMY IN ARIZONA.....

TRUMP could destroy the AZ economy.
Illegal immigrants are boycotting Arizona by the thousands and moving
elsewhere showing their outrage at Donald Trump's proposed law of sending
illegal immigrants back to their native countries.

In the small town of Guadalupe, AZ, south of Phoenix, Manuel Renaldo is one
of those who are vowing to punish Arizona by  leaving.

As he loaded his stolen car with his taxpayer-furnished belongings and
family of ten, Renaldo told this reporter through an interpreter:
"It's a matter of principle; I refuse to be supported by a state that
treats me like a criminal!"

The effects of the exodus are already being felt by some Arizona retailers,
who are reporting dwindling thefts & sales of beer,
tequila, spray  paint, and ammunition. Also hit hard are the state
hospitals,
which have reported a dramatic decline in births and emergency  room visits
of non-revenue patients!.

State welfare agencies are preparing to lay off staff that distribute food
stamps and unemployment benefits. Tattoo parlours are in an absolute state
of panic!

Renaldo told a reporter, through an interpreter, that he and his family are
moving to Canada, with  a new Liberal government under
Justin Trudeau and new higher taxes and hardworking people who will better
support him and his family with dignity!

Kind of brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it???

   ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Billy Bunter of Adelaide
Subject:   The Scottish Husband ..... !!!
 Click here

Subject: FW: Think I'll get one
 Click here

   ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Sack
Subject:    Smart "Ass"
 Click here

Subject:  Take your memory back in time, 1950s to 60's Melbourne:

1950s Melbourne: Photos give a revealing insight into everyday life in
Melbourne in the 1950s
 Click here
                 1950: The Old Tin Shed in Elizabeth St stood next to the
GPO. Built in 1906, the shed was intended to be on the site temporarily,
but it became a city landmark despite persistent calls for its removal.
 Click here
April 1950: The handwritten caption on the back of this image describes it
as the Township of Broadmeadows. It is actually a street in Westmeadows
that was the site of the original Broadmeadows village.
 Click here
1950s: Shoppers at Coles.
 Click here
1950: Children helping their father in his grocery shop.
 Click here
1951: People relax on the lawns outside the State Library of Victoria.
 Click here
1951: Children from Scotch Church Elwood Play Centre meet a joey with some
help from Joyce Seekamp at Melbourne Zoo.
 Click here
1951: The Melbourne Town Hall at the intersection of in Swanston St and
Collins St.
 Click here
1951: Tattersalls Lane, off Bourke St.
 Click here
1952: Myer's cafeteria packed in the crowds.
 Click here
1952: Matt Beha and the bells in the GPO clock tower in Elizabeth St.
 Click here
1953: Children feed swans at the Royal Botanic Gardens.
 Click here
1953: Dan Curtain, licensee of the Turf Club Hotel in North Melbourne,
presents local paperboy Peter Hargraves with a watch for his 15th birthday.
A collection was taken up for him by his grateful customers.
 Click here
1953: Swinging high above a street, rigger Jack Farley directs his
invisible crane driver to lower him to a pile of girders on a building site
in Spencer St.
 Click here
29 July 1953: In Sunshine where the roads were unmade and there was no
running water, Mrs Anita Steigler and her son Ernst along with the family
dog set out for home with a bucket of water. Mrs Steigler uses three of
these for the family bath. Also pictured is Mrs Urmgard Stanik, who has to
carry water home.
 Click here
2 October 1953: Main street in Belgrave.
 Click here
31 December 1953: Bill Young, Brian Collins, David Young and Judith Young
enjoy a stroll along Mentone's breeze-swept foreshore.
 Click here
1953: Kids enjoy the water in the children's pool at Eastern Beach,
Geelong.
 Click here
31 December 1953: Main street in Mentone pictured after all the shops
closed for the day.
 Click here
1954: Drive-in branch of the ES & A Bank at Camberwell.
 Click here
16 July 1954: Buildings at 88-92 Puckle St, Moonee Ponds that were bought
by Woolworths for $84,000.
 Click here
1954: This dance craze called the Roo Roo Kangaroo was introduced in
Victoria at Ormond Hall.
 Click here
28 July 1954: Locals chat outside a new shopping centre at Nunawading.
 Click here
1954: Dandenong Town Hall.
 Click here
1954: Corner of Barkly St and Nicholson St, Footscray.
 Click here
1954: Bay St, Frankston.
 Click here
1954: Newsboys Leon Wiegard, Wally Leckie, Kenneth Brian White, Paul Wenn
and Brian Galley leave for their rounds.
 Click here
1955: Intersection of Mount Alexander Rd and Fletcher St in Essendon.
 Click here
1956: Workers unload ships at Melbourne docklands.
 Click here
1956: Ahead of the Olympic Games opening in Melbourne, a giant torch was
placed outside Flinders St.
 Click here
November 1956: The Olympics came to town.
 Click here
Crowds watch the opening ceremony.
 Click here
1956: Station St, Sandringham.
 Click here
1 January 1957: Graham Horn, Lillian Stiles, Peter Hunt and Julie Barlow
were all dressed up for New Year's Eve at Luna Park. The original caption
noted that the group had a gay time.
 Click here
1957: Immigrant men play billiards in the Democritus Club.
 Click here
1957: Shoppers in Bourke St.
 Click here
1958: Heatwave? Children at the North Melbourne Day Nursery grab a cool
drink.
 Click here
1958: North Melbourne footballer Laurie Dwyer was nicknamed “Twinkle
Toes” and is pictured with his dance partner Veronica Boyhan, with
whom he became a national ballroom dancing champion.
 Click here
AUGUST 1959: South Melbourne footballer Bob Skilton at work.
 Click here

LIFE IN 1950s MELBOURNE AT A GLANCE

Price of a loaf of bread: 8 cents

Average yearly wage for male factory workers: $592.33

Average yearly wage for female factory workers: $294.40

Average yearly wage for a male clerk or manager: $866.14

Average yearly wage for a female clerk or manager: $325.06

Unemployment rate: 1-1.7 per cent

Biggest names in sport: Dawn Fraser, Betty Cuthbert, Peter Thomson.

Latest tech device (the tablet of its day): Television

Population of Melbourne: 1.3 million in 1950.

   ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Seasoldier
Subject: Postman Pat's last day

It was Postman Pat's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the
mail through all kinds of weather to the same villages and towns...

When he arrived at the first house on his route,
he was greeted by the whole family there, who all hugged and congratulated
him and sent him on his way with a cheque for £50.

At the second house they presented him an 18-carat gold watch.

The folks at the third house handed him a bottle of 15-year old Scotch
whisky.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a blonde in her lingerie.
She took him by the arm and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she
blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.
When they went downstairs, the blonde fixed him a full
English breakfast: Bacon,Eggs, Sausage & Tomato with freshly squeezed
orange juice.
As she was pouring him a cup of steaming coffee,
he noticed a one pound coin in the saucer.

'All this is just too wonderful for words,' he said, 'but what's the quid
for?'

'Well,' said the blonde,'Last night, I told my husband that today would be
your last day and that we should do something special for you.
I asked him what I should give you'.
He said, 'F**k him.. Give him a quid.'

She smiled shyly and said, 'The breakfast was my idea.'

Subject: I Met An Older Woman At A Bar
 Click here

I met an older woman at a bar last night. She looked pretty good for a 60+
year-old. In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking
she probably had a really hot daughter.
We drank a couple of beers, and she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's
Double?
'What's that?' I asked.
'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said.
As my mind began to embrace the idea, and I wondered what her daughter
might look like, I said, 'No, I haven't.'
  We drank a bit more, then she said with a wink, Tonight's your lucky
night.'
We went back to her place. We walked in. She put on the hall light and
shouted upstairs, ‘Mom, you still awake?'

Subject: A Teaching Moment ...
 Click here

   ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Wally
Subject: Reaction Test
 Click here

This simulates you in the driver's seat of a car. You're driving down a
road, when you see a big red hand flash in front of you. You have to put on
the brakes (any key). Then, the Reaction Time Test tells you how old you
are, when it comes to driving.
The test is based on reaction times of 2,000 people ages 18 and over. The
Reaction Time Test plotted their reaction times by age, and it matches your
reaction  time to those averages.
Some of their results may surprise you. The Reaction Time Test found that
left-handed people and men have slightly better reaction times than the
average person.
After several goes, the best I could get was 233 milliseconds ....
 Click here

Wally (but remember Im an old 71 years)

Subject: Modern Day Idiots
 Click here

Subject: Weird World
 Click here

Subject: Links & Photos
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

Links & Photos

Richard Sidey Photography
 Click here

  Subject: Roads (Some Old, Some New)
 Click here

Subject: New Indoor Sport
 Click here Click here

It's a real pleasure to see a master at the top of his game in any sport,
but his expertise is particularly satisfying here.

This sport has its origins in Australia, can be played with any number of
shooters, and played all year round.

Each shooter must wear a coloured T-Shirt, corresponding to his ball
colour.

If a ball misses the target, it is removed from the game (owing to floor
dirt and grime could damage the target)

Caution:  Making new rule variations, could consume many hours of valuable
playing time.

NOTE: The 2 players in the video, were paid demonstrators, hence the
different colours.

Subject: The Just a Minute Quiz
 Click here

Every Tuesday morning, on Radio 2 in Dublin, Ireland, Larry Gogan runs a
show called The Just a Minute Quiz (which actually runs for 15 minutes).
Here are 30 of the better answers

1) Something a blind man might use? A light
2) A song, with the word Moon in the title? Blue Suede Moon
3) Name the Capital of France? F
4) Name a bird with a long neck? Naomi Campbell
5) Name an occupation where you might need a torch? A burglar
6) Where is the Sydney Harbour Bridge? Opposite the Dental Hospital
7) What is Hitler’s first name? Heil
8) As happy as.... (Larry gave a hint - think of my name)? A Pig in sh#t
9) Some famous brothers? Bonnie and Clyde.
10) A dangerous race? The Arabs
11) Something that floats in a bath? Water
12) An item of clothing worn by the Three Musketeers ? A horse
13) Something you wear on a beach? A deckchair
14) A famous Royal? Mail
15) Something that flies, that doesn't have an engine? A plane without
wings
16) A famous bridge? The Bridge Over Troubled Waters
17) Something a cat does? Gets run over
18) Something you do in the bathroom? Work
19) A method of securing your home? Don’t sell it
20) Something associated with pigs? The Police
21) A sign of the Zodiac? April
22) Something people might be allergic to? An allergy
23) Something you do, before you go to bed? Sleep
24) Something you put on walls? A roof
25) Something Slippery? A conman
26) A kind of ache? A bad one
27) A Jacket Potato topping? Jam
28) A food that can be brown or white? An apple
29) A famous Scotsman? Jock
30) Something you open, other than a door? Your bowels

Subject: Labour Saving Machines
 Click here

Subject: Links & Photos
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here

US Navy Blue Angels
 Click here

Fishing (Oldie)
 Click here

Subject: Jack Russel vs 3 Lions
 Click here

   ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Whizzbang
Subject: C-130 Crash
 Click here

  Subject: Yelling Across the House
 Click here

Subject: World s Oldest Running Car Fetches $4.62M
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here

October 10 2011 at 10:05am

By Motoring Staff

This is the oldest motor vehicle car in the world that still runs.

It was built one year before Karl Benz and Gottlieb Daimler invented the
internal combustion engine.
The world's oldest running motor vehicle has been sold at auction for an
astonishing $4.62 million (R36.5-million), more than double the pre-sale
estimate, as two bidders chased the price up in a three-minute bidding war.
The 1884 De Dion Bouton et Trepardoux Dos-a-Dos Steam Runabout drew a
standing ovation as it was driven up onto the stage at Friday's RM
Auction in Hershey, Pennsylvania - to prove that this 127-year-old car
really does run! - and attracted a starting bid of $500 000, which was
immediately doubled to $1 million.
Encouraged by the applauding crowd, the bidding went swiftly up to $4.2
million (R33 million) - 4.62 million (R36.5 million) including the 10
percent commission - before the car was knocked down to a unnamed buyer.
The Dos-a-Dos (Back-to-Back) Steam Runabout was built in 1884 by George
Bouton and Charles-Armand Trepardoux for French entrepreneur Count de
Dion, who named it 'La Marquise' after his mother.
In 1887, with De Dion at the tiller, it won the world's first ever motor
race (it was the only entrant to make the start line!) covering the 32km
from the Pont de Neuilly in Paris to Versailles and back in one hour and 14
minutes (an average of 25.9km/h) and, according to contemporary reports,
hitting a breathtaking 60km/h on the straights!
La Marquise has only had four owners, remaining in one family for 81 years,
and has been restored twice, once by the Doriol family and again by British
collector Tom Moore in the early 1990's. Since then, it has taken part in
four London-to-Brighton runs and collected a double gold at the 1997 Pebble
Beach D'Elegance in California.

Count de Dion winning the first ever motor race.

Subject: Albert (Tapper) Torney.

He used to go to all the public functions...especially the picture
theaters.
And he always carried a sugar bag to collect empty bottles and cans.
His name was... Albert (Tapper) Torney.
Everyone thought he was a bit eccentric and kids would tease and hassle
him.
Then it was discovered that he sold the empty bottles but only some of the
cans.

After he died in 1998 (aged 86) his large collection of model cars made
from aluminum cans was discovered.

This goes to prove..."you shouldn't judge a book by its cover" - or a
sculptor by his sugar bag.
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

   ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Whizzbang
Subject: Fascinating Monuments
 Click here

Subject: Guess who her father is .......

This could  almost destroy your belief in hereditary theory?
Who'd have guessed?

Guess who  her father is .......

Personally  I would be seeking a DNA test!!
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here

  Subject: Red Cedar car
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

Custom-Built 2009 Wooden Car.

This custom wooden car rides on a 1986 Toyota truck frame and gets power
from a Chrysler 318 engine. It is driven by an automatic transmission and
has merely 1,800 miles on its speedometer. The whole body is made of cedar
and its interior is just as over-the-top as the exterior.

   ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Quote of the Week:
Hell is empty and all the devils are here.
- William Shakespeare.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------
[ End friday humour ]

 Previous (February 10, 2017)  Index Next (February 24, 2017)