Friday humour - February 03, 2017

Greeting and salutations, readers!

This Friday Humour is brought to you by Anonymous, Anonymous3, Arfermo,
Duke of Barsinov, GROPWO, Sack, Seasoldier, Wally, Whizzbang, and Haz.
.....................................

Think positive, because thoughts are like the steering wheel that moves our
life in the right direction.- Quotesgram

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WHO STOPS TO SMELL THE FLOWERS?
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

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Smart ar*es

SMART AR*E ANSWER 6
It was mealtime during a flight on a British Airways plane:
"Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked the man seated in the
front row.
"What are my choices?" the man asked.
"Yes or no," she replied.

SMART AR*E ANSWER 5
A lady was picking through the frozen chickens at a Sainsbury's store but
she couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a passing assistant, "Do these chickens get any bigger?"
The assistant replied, "I'm afraid not, they're dead."

SMART AR*E ANSWER 4
The policeman got out of his car and the teenager he stopped for speeding
rolled down his window
"I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.
The kid replied, "Well I got here as fast as I could."
When the policeman finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way
without a ticket.

SMART AR*E ANSWER 3
A trucker was driving along on a country road. A sign came up that read
"Low Bridge Ahead."
Before he realised it, the bridge was directly ahead and he got stuck under
it ..
Cars were backed up for miles. Finally, a police car arrived.
The policeman got out of his car and walked to the lorry's cab and said to
the driver, "Got stuck, eh?"
The lorry driver said, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of
diesel!"

SMART AR*E ANSWER 2
A teacher at West Australian University reminded her pupils of tomorrow's
final exam.
"Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here
tomorrow.
I might consider a nuclear attack, a serious personal injury, illness, or a
death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses
whatsoever!"
A smart-ar*ed teenager at the back of the room raised his hand and asked,
"What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and utter
s*xual exhaustion?"

The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering. When silence was
restored, the teacher smiled at the student, shook her head and sweetly
said,

"Well, I would expect you to write the exam with your other hand."

SMART AR*E ANSWER OF THE YEAR
Telephone rings, woman answers.
Pervert, breathing heavily, says, "I bet you have a tight ar*e with no
hair?"
Woman replies, "Yes, I have.. He's watching the rugby .... Who shall I say
is calling?"

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Not like me

Nothing like me but talks cr*p from the same orifice too!!
 Click here

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The Netherlands welcomes Trump

This is brilliant and very clever. Do watch it!
 Click here

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Kids are funny...these young girls responses are great
 Click here

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I am offended by this
 Click here

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 Click here
No offense, but 17,000 tonnes is much more that than any semi can haul....
maybe 17 tonnes???

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Hollywood Celebrities (Answer to Meryl Streep after her speech blasting
Trump)

Dear Hollywood, New York, and other so-called "celebrities":

It's time to wake up now.  Get this!  The only reason you exist is for my
entertainment.  Some of you are beautiful.  Some of you can deliver a line
with such conviction that you bring tears to my eyes.  Some of you are so
convincing that you scare the cr*p out of me.  And others are so funny you
can make me laugh uncontrollably. And others make music that makes my toe
tap and my body sway.

But you all have one thing in common.  You only exist and have a place in
my world to entertain me.  That's it.  Nothing else!

You make your living pretending to be someone else.  You play dress-up like
a 5-year-old.  Your world is a make believe world.  It is not real.  It
doesn't exist.  You live for the camera and microphone, while the rest of
us live in the real world.  Your entire existence depends on my patronage. 
I crank the organ grinder, and you dance.

Therefore, I don't care where you stand on issues.  Honestly, your opinion
means nothing to me.  Just because you had a lead role in a movie about
prostitution doesn't mean you know what it's like to be a prostitute.
Because you show a breast at a halftime football show while singing off
key, doesn't make you a world spokesperson. Your view matters far less to
me than that of a someone living in Timbuktu .

Believe me or not, the hard truth is that you aren't real.  I turn off my
TV or shut down my computer or turn off my radio, and you cease to exist. 
Once I am done with you, I go back to the real world until I want you to
entertain me again.

I don't care that you think BP executives deserve the death penalty.  I
don't care what you think about the environment.  I don't care if you
believe fracking is bad.  I don't care if you call for more gun control.  I
don't care if you believe in catastrophic human-induced global warming. 
And I could not care less that you supported Hillary for President.  Get
back into your bubble.  I'll let you know when I'm in the mood for
something pretty or scary or funny.

And one other thing.  What was with all this "I'll leave the country if
Donald Trump wins."?  Don't you know how stupid that made you sound?  What
did you think my reaction was going to be?  I better not vote for Trump or
we'll lose Whoopi Goldberg?  Al Sharpton?  Amy Schumer?  Bruce Springsteen?
or Barbara Striestand? And several more. Leave, get out, I don't care!  And
don't let the door hit you in the ar*e on your way out.  Oh by the way, is
Clinton returning any of the money you so generously donated to her
election?

Make me laugh.  Make me cry.  Make me sing. Even scare me.  But realise
this, the only words of yours that matter are scripted, just like your
pathetic little lives.  I may agree with some of you from time to time, but
in the final analysis, it doesn't matter.  In my world, you exist solely
for my entertainment.

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My Dog Knows His Pigs
(Westprint News.)

The Manager looked embarrassed.

"Well that's how it is. That's how they want it. These days, every dollar
counts. You blokes get your shooting and the owners get a few fat pigs.
It's worth a go I suppose."

He was trying hard to sound convincing and failing dismally. He went
through the agreement once again. The Melbourne party, mostly from
Brighton, listened carefully to the deal. They had been coming to the big
cattle station on the Oxley swamps, for almost ten years. Now, as old hands
they resented a change in rules, but they knew that the good old days were
running out. Apparently, the owners, southerners like themselves, had
become dismayed with the gross income generated from the property. Some
academic, with an interest in rural zoology, had told them to 'mark' the
young wild boars and harvest them later. Marking would involve the surgical
removal of the animal's testicles, a fairly crude operation under licensed
piggery conditions, but likely to be both difficult and gory in the field.
It was also suggested that the tip of one ear should be slashed off to mark
the pig's change of status.

The owners had become sold on the idea, and Bill the manager had received
his orders. Bill was passing his instructions on to the hunting party. It
was all very simple really. He would lend them his very best dog, Toby.
They were free to shoot any mature boar they came across, but ignore any
large sows. Toby would catch any small pigs. If it was an immature sow,
they were to let it go. If a young boar they were to castrate it first. The
theory was that the pig population would gradually reduce, and that the
older stock would be replaced by sows and neutered males. Hopefully, the
young boars, usually gamey in taste and as fat as a starving greyhound,
would present as stout little porkers. This was a futile hope. The nearest
good pig fodder was in the grain silos of Balranald. The pigs out here were
living on a meagre diet of roots and vegetation, supplemented by carrion,
with the occasional bonanza of fresh lamb or calf. No thought had been
given to their chronic burden of parasites, their lack of growing vigour
and their inbred debility.

The manager knew the scheme was just not practical. It may work well, over
a few beers, in the lounge of a suburban pub, or over a few glasses of port
after a good dinner in the city. Out here in the scrub, it was as real as a
Bunyip. Dreamtime stuff. He had said to his mates, "I told me missus, it
was all BS, but they pay me so I've gotta go along with it."

He cheered up remarkably when he started to talk about the dog he would
lend them. Toby, he claimed, was the best, and well known throughout the
district. He was mainly a Black Labrador and Bull Terrier cross, with a bit
of something else thrown in. His appearance suggested that a dash of
Siberian Timber Wolf was not improbable. His personality was as confused as
his breeding. Gentle with kids, friendly with strangers, he was a ruthless
terror on 'roos and pigs. Any smaller game he held in contempt. His
strategy with 'roos was like a Roman Centurion: straight in, no quarter
asked and none given. He relied on other dogs to do the main of the
running, and would appear, just in time, for the difficult bit at the end
of the chase. A straight frontal attack, airborne, would knock the biggest
'roo to the ground, and the end was swift.

Pigs were different, and his tactics varied. He had found early in life
that a dog-only kill, one on one, of any sizeable feral pig was impossible.
If his quarry had already been wounded, then he would try himself out, but
if his adversary was reasonably healthy, he would signal their whereabouts
with frantic barking. The pig was kept occupied, and driven to a frenzy, by
mock frontal attacks. He'd even learnt, probably from an over excited
shotgunner, to move well clear of the pig when some hero arrived at the
scene with a gun.

One day Toby had chased a month old piglet. Lack of experience, a shortage
of cover, and poor nutrition had combined against porky. It had knocked up.
Squealing in terror it had turned defiantly and bailed up. Unable to stop,
Toby had charged through and knocked the little bloke flat. Puzzled as to
what to do next, the big dog had taken a firm grip of a very grubby ear and
sat down to await developments. The youngster, equally puzzled, was quickly
aware that reasonable comfort could only be achieved by not moving. Bill
had found them observing some sort of truce. He'd grabbed the piglet and
thrust it in the stockcrate on the back of the ute. It would join a couple
of others that he'd run down on horseback, and were kept in a pen at the
homestead. Bill had heaped lavish praise on his cobber. From then on, Toby
would assess not only the health of the hunted, but the size. If below some
calculated limit he would carry the chase to its inevitable conclusion, and
then do his anchoring trick. In the most confident of tones, Bill repeated
several times, "my dog knows his pigs!" If Toby held a male pig by the ear,
he said, "it'll be prime to mark!" If he only bailed it up, then they were
to shoot without hesitation. It was as easy as that.

There followed a condensed, instant knowledge course on how to relieve a
young, feral boar of his manly bits. This was an exercise definitely not
recommended for the squeamish. The boys gave Bill a dozen stubbies, threw
Toby in the back of their four-wheel drive and took off for the river. They
found their usual campsite and started unpacking. It was mid-afternoon and
probably about 95 degrees in the waterbag. Against the river and surrounded
by swamp, the humidity was extreme. The effort of laying out gear, and
putting up the tent, was enervating. Dehydration, a constant worry, was
only fought off by the absorption of cold stubbies at frequent intervals.
Bill's dog sat in the shade, watching his new friends and their activity.
Bored at last, Toby found the energy to have a scout around.

The hunting party didn't notice the dog's absence until his frantic barking
echoed off the river redgums. They stopped work and listened intently,
trying to interpret the proceedings. The noise was shifting so they
concluded that a chase was in progress. Then squealing became interspersed
with the canine racket. It came closer following the bank of the river, and
then, quite abruptly, ceased. The men looked at each other.

"If it was a big'n he'd still be barking wouldn't he?"

"He can't bark, he's got a mouth full of ear! Hell!  He's caught a little
bloke, come on, it's the gang to the rescue!"

"Scramble! For King and Country, scramble!"

"Tally Ho! Tally Ho!"

There was a passable imitation of a squad car as the men ran to the river,
"EE - AW ... EE - AW ... EE - AW."

The men moved quickly. In two minutes they found Toby, sitting patiently,
with a mouth full of pig's ear. Bruce did a careful reconnoitre. "It's a
boar," he pronounced solemnly, "this is it!" He strode forward, trying to
show more confidence than he felt and, following Bill's instructions,
grabbed the pig by its hind legs and lifted. Several things happened in
quick succession. Firstly, Toby let go as this was the end of his
responsibility. Secondly, the pig who had accepted the dog's fierce grip on
his tender ear, was not about to laugh off a situation which had him
looking like an animated wheelbarrow. Thirdly, in recognition of his
changed situation he began to demonstrate his wrath in no uncertain manner.

To the strenuous pumping of his hind legs, he added a non-stop swinging of
his body, first to the left, then right, then left, and back again. The
long snout was opening, like a crocodile's jaws, to reveal it's formidable
armoury, then snapping shut within inches of Bruce's bare legs. Bruce came
to a sad conclusion. Toby was not, after all, infallible. Toby had, in
fact, made a serious error of judgement. This was not some little porcine
sprite he held. This was a more than half-grown, teenager of a boar,
possessed of strength and a foul temper.

Bruce became supremely uncomfortable. The ceaseless pumping of the animal's
legs was very tiring, then there was the incessant squealing and the foul
spume flying everywhere. He considered letting go, but quickly dismissed
the idea. There was no guarantee that the infuriated pig would observe a
truce. It seemed intent on reducing his well-built, six foot frame down to
five foot in chewed-up, blood stained socks. A bit of bush folk lore
suddenly surfaced in the chaos of his mind, the old timer, somewhere,
sometime, talking about wild pigs.

"Yair, if they get yer down, yer know, they always goes for the fambly
jewels. Never miss. Jees, I've known scores of blokes. Rooned they was."
Bruce shuddered.. .. Another thought flitted through his overtaxed mind.
There was only one way that the pig could become even more obnoxious than
he was now. As if by auto-suggestion, the boar vented his bowels. His
recent diet, a large cow, dead for ten days in hot weather, was of no help
at all to the hunter. A generous spray of secondhand cow bounced off his
lower arms and hit his shorts. He gagged, swallowed, gagged and swallowed
again. This situation was not at all funny.

"Come on you blokes! Give us a hand!" Bruce tried to conceal a note of
rising panic. "Get me knife!"

His brother and two mates held a ten second conference. One streaked back
to the camp. Bruce caught a glimpse of his going. Getting a gun, he
thought, good show. Another hero rushed forward, Bruce felt him fumbling at
his belt for the big hunting knife he wore. He could see a swift end to his
problems. First, he thought, fix the bl**dy pig. Then he'd start on Toby.
Then he'd go and tell Bill what he could do with the whole damn-fool
scheme. No. He'd have a good clean up first under the camp shower, then
he'd have a couple of cold stubbies and a smoke. Finally, in due course, he
would go and have a few well-chosen words with the manager.

He suddenly realised that things were not going according to plan. His
rescuer had missed his knife, but what he had done was to undo his belt and
drag his shorts to his ankles. These were swiftly followed by his tigerskin
pattern jocks. By an unholy instinct, the boar had sensed a change in the
agility of his tormentor. The snapping jaws were getting closer and closer.

"You bl**dy b***d! I'll bl**dy get you," the pig handler roared at the
offender.

With his vision impaired by sweat and grime Bruce just distinguished his
mate who had run to the camp. He was pointing something at him, stooping
and weaving to get a better shot. To his great discomfort, and despair,
Bruce recognised his own video camera.

Bruce's wife had known his mates for years. She had always considered them
likeable, but often more than a little eccentric. They were littered around
her lounge room, grinning like schoolboys. One was clutching a video
cassette.

"Did Bruce tell you about the trip?"

Trish looked serious, "No, not much. Bruce did say that he thought you may
turn up here. He said I was to make you welcome."

The men looked at each other. "Go on?"

"That's right. He suggested that I put Ratsak in your coffee. When you were
rolling in agony on the floor, he thought that I should tip a bucket of
boiling water over each one of you, slowly. Then, I'm to get you all
committed as lunatics at large, and put away for life, for the public
good."

There was a gale of laughter. "Good old Bruce!"

Somebody moaned, "knew he could take a little joke!"

"Now, let's have a look at this video."

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The right bird?

I was at the Merry Hill mall the other day eating at the food court.

I noticed an old man watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager
had spiked hair in all different colours: green, red,
orange, and blue.

The old man kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find the old
man staring every time.

When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked,

"What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?"

The old man did not bat an eye in his response,

"Got drunk once and had s*x with a peac*ck. I was just wondering if you
were my son.

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Lexophile Fun

No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

Did you hear about the crossed-eyed teacher who lost her job because she
couldn't control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

When chemists die, they barium.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.

I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.

This girl today said she recognized me from the Vegetarians Club, but I'd
swear I've never met herbivore

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop any
time.

A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A.

The batteries were given out free of charge.

A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.

A will is a dead giveaway.

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

A boiled egg is hard to beat.

When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

Police were summoned to a daycare center where a three-year-old was
resisting a rest.

Did you hear about the fellow whose entire left side was cut off? He's all
right now.

A bicycle can't stand alone; it's just two tired.

The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.

He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

When she saw her first strands of grey hair she thought she'd dye.

Acupuncture is a jab well done. That's the point of it.

--

The true delight is in the finding out rather than in the knowing.- Isaac
Asimov

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It's All About the Linguistics

In Australia, the curbside garbage carts are called "wheelie bins."
A garbage collector is driving along a Sydney street picking up the wheelie
bins and emptying them into his rubbish truck.
He goes to one house where the bin hasn't been left out.
In the spirit of kindness and after having a quick look about for the bin,
he gets out of his truck, goes to the front door and knocks.
There's no answer.
Being a conscientious bloke, he knocks again - much harder.
Eventually, a Japanese man comes to the door.
"Harro!" says the Japanese man.
"G'day mate, where's ya' bin?" asks the collector.
"I bin on toilet," explains the Japanese bloke, a bit perplexed.
Realising the fellow had misunderstood him, the bin man smiles and tries
again.
"No mate, where's ya' dust bin?"
"I dust been to toilet, I toll you!'' says the Japanese man, still
perplexed.
"Listen," says the garbage collector. "You're misunderstanding me. I mean,
where's ya' wheelie bin?'"
"OK, OK. " replies the Japanese man with a sheepish grin, and whispers in
the collector's ear.
 "I wheelie bin having s*x wiffa wife's sista!!!"

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Ventriloquist - This is Priceless...

A Must Watch!

Most ventriloquists have a dummy, one that they manipulate. Not so here.

Whether you love dogs or not, you will fall in love with this one. He ain't
no dummy!!!
 Click here

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A Muslim Bookstore

So, I was walking in the mall and I saw that there was a Muslim Bookstore.
The sign outside led me to wonder just what exactly was in a Muslim
bookstore, so I went in.

As I was wandering around taking a look, the clerk gave me the  eye, but
asked if he could help me.
I know I didn't look like his normal clientele, so I asked, "Do you have a
copy of Donald Trump's Book on his U.S. Immigration policy regarding
Muslims and Illegal aliens?"

The clerk said, "Kiss my ass, Get out, and Stay Out!";
I said, "Yes, that's the one. Do you have it in paperback?"

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What is this a list of? (Answer below)

a.. A pair of Howdy Doody earmuffs
b.. A hundred thousand ladybugs
c.. A recording of humpback whales at play
d.. A fat lady willing to do a nude dance on a trampoline
e.. The words and music to "Methodist Pie, Sugar in the Gourd"
f.. Two fleas in a wedding dress
g.. A gasoline-powered pogo stick
h.. A life-size fiberglass statue of a polar bear on wheels
i.. The cigarette lighter used by Humphrey Bogart in The Maltese Falcon

Answer:

They're some of the items that Jim Tice, a "professional finder," was
requested to find over the years. As the name implies, a professional
finder searches down hard-to-locate items for clients. Tice wouldn't take
jobs involving missing persons or lost wallets, but he would try to find
items, such as those above. He called his business Finders Keepers
Worldwide Search Service. He started it in 1973, and kept at it until the
1990s.
 Click here 

(The reasons behind some of the items)

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Wooden girl.  Amazing transformation.  You will be awed by the final
'product.'

Cheers.
 Click here

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 Ooooohhhhhh!

After Quasimodo's death, the Archbishop of Paris at the Cathedral of
Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer
was needed.

The Archbishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and
went up into the belfry to begin what he thought would be a long screening
process.

After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he had decided
to call it a day and would offer prayers for more success the next day.

Just then, an armless man approached him and falling flat on his face
announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringer's job. The bishop
was incredulous.

'But man you have no arms !'

'No matter,' said the man. 'Observe my technique!'
And he began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody
on the massive carillon.
The Archbishop listened in astonishment; convinced he had finally found a
replacement for Quasimodo.

But suddenly, as he rushed forward to strike the final bell, the armless
man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in
the street below.

The stunned Archbishop rushed down the two hundred and ninety five steps of
the bell tower.  When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around
the disfigured fallen figure.  They had been drawn to the Cathedral,  by
the beautiful music they had heard only moment before  from the melodious
bells.

They silently parted to let the Archbishop through and one of them asked,

'Archbishop, who was this man ?'..

'I don't know his name,' the bishop sadly replied,
' BUT HIS FACE RINGS A BELL'

WAIT ! WAIT ! There's more

The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart
due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist,
the Archbishop continued his interviews for the new bell ringer of
Notre Dame Cathedral.

The first man to approach him said, 'Your Excellency, I am the brother of
the poor armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry
yesterday.

I pray that you honour his life by allowing me to replace him in this
duty.'

The Archbishop agreed to give the man an audition, and, as the armless
man's brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he
groaned, clutched at his chest, twirled around, and died before he hit the
floor.

Two monks who were saying their Mattins, hearing the Archbishop's cries of
grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side.

'What has happened ? Who is this man ?' the first monk asked breathlessly.

'I don't know his name,' sighed the distraught bishop, 'but....'

Scroll down if you dare!!!!!!!!

'HE'S A DEAD RINGER FOR HIS BROTHER.'

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Who said Aussie Rules footballers  aren't smart ?

'I owe a lot to my parents,  especially my mother and  father.'
(Shane  Wakelin).

'Nobody in football  should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like
Norman  Einstein.'
(Mick Malthouse -  Collingwood).

'I'm going to graduate on  time, no matter how long it  takes.'
(Peter Bell -  Fremantle - on his University Law  studies).

'You guys line up  alphabetically by height.' and 'You guys pair up in
groups of three,  then line up in a  circle.'
(Barry Hall Sydney  Captain at training)..

Brock Maclean (Melbourne ) on  whether he had visited the
Pyramids during his visit to  Egypt  :
 'I can't really  remember the names of the clubs that we went to.'

'He's a guy who gets up at  six o'clock in the morning regardless of what
time it  is.'
(Kevin Sheedy on James Hird).

Jonathan  Brown, on  night Grand Finals vs Day Games
'It's basically the  same, just  darker.'

Ron Barassi talking about Gary  Cowton 'I told him, 'Son, what is it with
you. Is it ignorance or  apathy?'
He said, 'Barass, I  don't know and I don't  care.'

Barry Hall (Sydney) when asked  about the upcoming  season:
'I want to kick 70  or 80 goals this season, whichever comes first.'

'Luke Hodge - the 21 year  old, who turned 22 a few weeks  ago' (Dermott 
Brereton).

'Chad had done a bit of  mental arithmetic with a  calculator.'
(Mark  Williams).

'We actually got the  winning goal three minutes from the end but then they
 scored.'
 (Ben Cousins, West Coast Eagles).

'I've never had major knee  surgery on any other part of my  body.'
(Luke  Darcy).

'That kick was absolutely  unique, except for the one before it which was 
identical.'
(Dermott  Brereton).

'Sure there have been injuries and deaths in football - but none of them 
serious.'
(Adrian  Anderson).

'If history repeats itself,  I should think we can expect the  same thing 
again.
(Andrew  Demetriou).

'I would not say he (Chris  Judd) is the best centreman in the AFL but
there are none  better.' (Dermott  Brereton).

'I never comment on umpires  and I'm not going to break the habit of a
lifetime for that  prat.' (Terry  Wallace).

Garry Lyon : 'Have you ever thought  of writing your autobiography?'
David Swartz:  'On  what?'

'Well, either side could  win it, or it could be a  draw.'
(Dermott  Brereton).

'Strangely, in slow motion  replay, the ball seemed to hang in the
Air for even  longer.'
(Dermott  Brereton).

And  the winner is....................Dermott Brereton (It's  not only
blonde sheilas who're dumb)

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Filmed from the c*ckpit this month: Using a steep approach a British
Airways Airbus A318 flies over the heart of London to land at London City
Airport from JFK.

Very Impressive, Note both the Captain and 1st Officer have Ipads in their
mounts (as backups???)

plenty of water around just in case there's a Canadian Geese problem!! He
he

Filmed from the c*ckpit this month: Using a steep approach a

British Airways Airbus A318 flies over the heart of London to land at
London City Airport from JFK.
 Click here

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To All Master Mariners & Seafarers
 Click here
The only problem is that this is coming..... It's just a matter of when.

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The Greatness of The Human Mind
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here

Here are 9 x mechanical inventions, demonstrating the greatness of the
human mind.

1: Aircraft Radial Engine

2: Oval Regulation

3: Sewing Machines

4: Malta Cross movement -
second hand movement used to control the clock

5: Auto Change file mechanism

6: Auto Constant Velocity Universal Joint

7: Gun Ammunition loading system

8: Rotary Engine - an internal combustion engine, heat rather than the
piston movement into rotary movement

9: Inline Engine - it's cylinders lined up side by side

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Some political humour
 Click here

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Booooooo!!!
 Click here

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Who needs the White House?
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here
Muted and subdued colours in keeping with the plain and simple designs
chosen!

The TRUMP HOME!

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My Rezimay
 Click here

Deer Sur,

I waunt to apply for the secritary job I seen in the

Paper. I can type rel kwik wit one finggar and do

Sum Acounting 2.

I think I am good on the fone and I am a pepole

Person.   Pepole really seam to respond goodly to me.

I'm lookin for a jobb as a secritary but it Kant be 2 Complikaited

My spelling is not 2 good but find that I awfin get a

Job Bcuz of my persinalety..

My salerery is open so we can discus wat you want

To pay me and wat you think that I am wurth, I can start imeditely.

Thank you in advanse 4 yore Anser.

Hopifuly I M Yore best aplicant so phar.

Sinseerly,

Peggy May McBiggins

PS : I half includeded a pickture of me B low.

Dear Peggy May:

Start on Monday, we have spell check.

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Best Septic Truck Ever!

In the unending quest for the perfect septic tank pumper truck decoration,
I offer this for your consideration.
 Click here

CUTE LITTLE SH*TS, AREN'T THEY? !!!!!!!!

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I have questions
 Click here

Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety-one?

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one out of
five enjoys it?

Why do croutons come in airtight packages?   Aren't they just stale bread
to begin with?

If people from Poland are called Poles, then why aren't people from Holland
called Holes?

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who
drives a race car is not called a racist?

If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the
others here for?

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, then doesn't it follow
that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged,
models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

Do Lipton Tea employees take 'coffee breaks?'

What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and
forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use, Toothpicks?

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we
supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on
the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the
mail?

Is it true that you never really learn to swear until you learn to drive?

If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?

Whatever happened to Preparations A through G ?

Why, Why, Why do we press harder on the remote control when we know the
batteries are getting weak?

Why do banks charge a fee due to insufficient funds; when they already know
you're broke?

Why is it that when someone tells you that there are one billion stars in
the universe you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint you
have to touch it to check?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a
revolver at him?

Why did Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose cruel idea was it to put an "s" in the word "lisp"?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Why is it that, no matter what color bubble bath you use, the bubbles are
always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that
something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people run over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner,
then reach down, pick it up, examine it and then put it down to give the
vacuum one more chance?

How do those dead bugs get into the enclosed light fixtures?

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off
the table you always manage to knock something else over?

Why, in winter, do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer
when we complained about the heat?

Do you ever wonder why you gave me your e-mail address in the first place?

And A FAVORITE:

The statistics on sanity say that one out of every four persons is
suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best
friends. If they're OK..? (then it's you!)

REMEMBER, A day without a smile is like a day without sunshine!

And a day without sunshine is, like...........night!

Now, stop laughing long enough to forward this onto somebody else who could
also use a good chuckle!!

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Made me Laugh
 Click here

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Family tree - II
Adam and Eve

A little girl asked her mother,
"How did the human race start?"
The mother answered,
"God made Adam and Eve and they had children, and so all mankind was made."

Two days later the girl asked her father the same question. The father
answered,
"Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved."

The confused girl returned to her mother and said,
"Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by
God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?"

The mother answered,
"Well, dear, it is very simple.
I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his."

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Had it all

I talked to a to a homeless man this morning and asked him how he ended up
this way.

He said, "Up until last week, I still had it all. I had plenty to eat, my
clothes were washed and pressed, I had a roof over my head, I had TV and
Internet, and I went to the gym, the pool, and the library. I was working
on my MBA on-line. I had no bills and no debt. I even had full medical 
coverage."

I felt sorry for him, so I asked, "What happened? Drugs? Alcohol? Divorce?"

"Oh no, nothing like that," he said. "No, no.... I was paroled."

 ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___ Chuckles XXX
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here

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Chanel No.5

What are the ingredients in Chanel No.5

There was an outcry after Jacques Leal, London Chairman of Chanel Ltd.,
revealed during an interview, that one of the ingredients of Chanel No.5
perfume was the "sweat of the whipped Abyssinian civet cat."

He explained, "We don't usually like to admit, but it's one of those
ancient techniques the Chinese invented. They put the cat's head into a
sort of torture chamber, whip it, the cat gets mad, and it gives off a
glandular secretion."

However, Leal assured the interviewer that the Chanel company itself didn't
whip the civet cats. "We just buy the stuff in bottles."

Other Chanel No.5 ingredients included castoreum from the Canadian beaver,
ambergris from the sperm whale of Chile, and musk from the Tibetan deer.

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Links & Photos
 Click here

Preacherine Rag
 Click here

Cool Airline Safety Video
 Click here

World's Most Expensive Pizza
 Click here

World's Most Expensive Potato Chip
 Click here

Boeing's CST-100 Starliner
 Click here

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Goodbye Engine
 Click here

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Links & Photos
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here

World Song Map
 Click here

Boy Dies after Parents Pray instead of Calling Ambulance
 Click here

44 X Holocaust Photos
 Click here

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Coffee machine time wasters
 Click here

Staff were spending too much time in front of the coffee machine.

Solution:

The company's Human Resources people found a cheap solution.

They just stuck a photo on top of the coffee machine and the deed was done!

Watch the video and see for yourself.

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Niet te geloven.... this is unbelievable
 Click here

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HOW I GOT SHOT XXX
 Click here

...and she says to me,
"I'm only going to ask you one more time,
be my Valentine or else!"

So I decided to take the bullet !

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You Had One Job...
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

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British Teamwork....
 Click here

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An executive order  is expected to be be  soon signed repealing the Four
Laws of Thermodynamics.

Repealing these Laws  will single handily and immediately defeat global
warming and raise the bar of scientific scrutiny in all fields

In order to insure that this enormous and important change and its
concomitant worldwid affect is  communicated properly to the public, a new
Scientific Publication will be likely be established: The Journal of
Alternative
Global Science and Data (JAGSD). The Journal is anticipated to be assigned
an initial Impact Factor of  200.

The editors and review board of this Journal are expected to be appointed
from  highly qualified,  deeply knowledgeable and trustworthy
administrative staff. Their role will be to  vet all submitted research
articles to insure that the correct alternative data is used and that
appropriate results and conclusions  are obtained. References to 
scientific literature,
doc*mentation  and/or news/discoveries/breakthroughs, which have not been
approved by the review board regardless of their source will likely be
prohibited.

All  researchers conducting any work  previously involved these Four Laws
or their application to technology and/or society may have to consider 
publishing their work in this new highly ranked publication in order to
stay competitive for funding.

In  follow up, it is expected that  the relevance of the remaining Laws of
Science ( Classical and
Quantum Mechanics, Conservation, Gravity/Relativity,Electomagnetism,
Photonics,  as well as general Chemistry and Physics) will also be
considered on a case by case basis.

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[ End friday humour ]

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