Friday humour - January 27, 2017

From Haz@Bluehaze

If In Aus - hope you had a great Australia day celebrating what makes us
the greatest country in the world
Contrasting this closely with the carry on in Washington this week

Thanks as always for the valuable contributions that fill the weekly
publication,  Arfermo, Sack, Duke of Barsinov, Burnout, Seasoldier, Wally,
Anonymous 3, Geowonbat, Burnout  and Whizzbang - Please keep the coming!

Enjoy Life Now - It has an Expiration Date.

Quotes and Quips of Steven Wright

1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.
3 - Half the people you know are below average.
6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
8 - If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.
9 - All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.
10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?
15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.
20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your
horn louder."
25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is
research.
30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.
34 - If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
39 - I painted my apartment the other day..... now it's just a little bit
smaller....

 Who on Earth dreams up such clever puns ? A Lexophiliac of course!

*How does Moses make tea?Hebrews it.*

*Venison for dinner again?Oh deer!*

*A cartoonist was found dead in his home.  Details are sketchy.*

*
I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.*

Haunted French pancakes give me the crpes.*

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**England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.*

*
I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.*

*
They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Typo.*

*
I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now**.*

*
**Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.*

*
**I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop any
time.*

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I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.*

*
**This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'm sure
I'd never met herbivore.*

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When chemists die, they barium.*

*
**I'm reading a book about anti-gravity.  I just can't put it down.*

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I did a theatrical performance about puns.  It was a play on words.*

*
**Why were the Indians here first?  They had reservations.*

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**I didn't like my beard at first.  Then it grew on me.*

*
Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she
couldn't control her pupils?*

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When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.*

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**Broken pencils are pointless.*

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What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary?  A thesaurus.*

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I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.*

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All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen.  The police
have nothing to go on.*

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**I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.*

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**Velcro - what a rip off!*

*
Don't worry about old age; it doesn't last.*

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A business owner who was mathematically challenged, called his Secretary
into his office and said, You graduated from Florida State University and I
need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would
you take off?

The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, everything but my
earrings.

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What an interesting turn of events in Pahrump , Nevada.

Diamond D's brothel began construction on an expansion of their building to
increase their ever-growing business.
In response, the local Baptist Church started a campaign to block the
business from expanding with morning, afternoon, and evening prayer
sessions at their church.

Work on Diamond D's progressed right up until the week before the grand
re-opening when lightning struck the whorehouse and burned it to the
ground!

After the brothel burned to the ground by the lightning strike, the church
folks were rather smug in their outlook, bragging about "the power of
prayer."

But late last week 'Big Jugs' Jill Diamond, the owner/madam, sued the
church, the preacher and the entire congregation on the grounds that the
church ... "was ultimately responsible for the demise of her building and
her business -- either through direct or indirect divine actions or means."
In its reply to the court, the church vehemently and vociferously denied
any and all responsibility or any connection to the building's demise.

The crusty old judge read through the plaintiff's complaint and the
defendant's reply, and at the opening hearing he commented, "I don't know
how the hell I'm going to decide this case, but it appears from the
paperwork, that we now have a whorehouse owner who staunchly believes in
the power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that thinks it's all
bullsh*t."

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A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a
fly swatter

'What are you doing?'  She asked.

'Hunting Flies'  He responded.

'Oh. ! Killing any?'  She asked.

'Yep, 3 males, 2 Females,' he replied.

Intrigued, she asked.
'How can you tell them apart?'

He responded,
'3 were on a beer can,
2 were on the phone'!!!

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An elderly scot lay dying in his bed.

While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the
aroma of his favourite scones wafting up the stairs..
He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed.
Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with
even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled
downstairs.
With laboured breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the
kitchen.
Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in
heaven, for there, spread out upon the kitchen table were literally
hundreds of his favourite scones.
Was it heaven?
Or was it one final act of love from his devoted scottish wife of sixty
years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table,
landing on his knees in rumpled posture.
His aged and withered hand trembled towards a scone at the edge of the
table, when it was suddenly smacked by his wife with a wooden spoon ......
'Bugger off,' she said, 'they're for the funeral.'

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  Why do Germans drink beer?
 To get empty bottles.

What do they do with their empty beer bottles?

Watch the following and see for yourself.
 Click here

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Too Much S*x ... And Oh So True ...

I couldn't help but overhear two guys in their mid-twenties whilesitting at
the bar last night.

One of the guys says to his buddy: "Man you look tired.
His buddy says , Man I'm exhausted. My girlfriend and I have s*x all the
time.
She's after me 3 and 4 times a day, I just don't know what to do."
A fellow about my age (70+), sitting a couple of stools down, also
overheard the conversation.
He looked over at the two young men and with the wisdom of  years says:

"Marry her. That'll put a stop to it."

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A big game hunter went on a safari with his wife and mother-in-law.

One morning, while still deep in the jungle, the hunter's wife awakened to
find her mother gone.

She woke her husband, and they both set off in search of the old woman.

In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight. The
mother-in-law was standing face-to-face with a lion

"What are we going to do?" his horrified wife asked.

"Nothing," her husband replied, "The lion got himself into this mess, let
him get himself out of it."

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  A man washed up on a beach after a shipwreck. Only a sheep and a sheepdog
were washed-up with him. After looking around, he realized that they were
stranded on a deserted island.
After being there awhile, he got into the habit of taking his two animal
companions to the beach every evening to watch the sunset.

 One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus
clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.

As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the
lonely man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it.
The sheepdog, ever-protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man
took his arm from around the sheep.

After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but
there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed-by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The
only  survivor was Hillary Clinton.

That  evening, the man brought Hillary to the evening beach ritual. It was
another beautiful evening - red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle
breeze - perfect for a night of romance.

Pretty soon, the man started to get those feelings again. He fought the
urges as long as he could but he finally gave-in and leaned over to Hillary
and told her he hadn't had s*x for months. Hillary batted her eyelashes and
asked if there was anything she could do for him.

He said, 'Take the dog for a walk.

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+++ Time: 20170122000307
+++ From: Wally +++ Subject: Soap (2) +++ Content:
Sorry, might help if I put the link in ... Wally
 Click here

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 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here

Being a farmer is hard work  but being a farmer in places like Kenya,
Botswana, and Sri Lanka has a unique challenge in that other areas of the
world dont have elephants!

Wild elephants, whose natural behavior is to roam, have been known to march
right through fields, damaging and destroying crops.  When the human
farmers try to intervene, things can turn ugly, and both human and elephant
injuries and even deaths can occur.  Sadly, like too many animals,
elephants face many dangers at the hands of humans.  It is a shame, because
these creatures are intelligent, sensitive and have complex emotional and
social connections, forming strong bonds with one another,
 Click here
and with different animals, too. So a solution was needed that would both
keep the farmers fields safe, but make sure the elephants were in no way
harmed.  This solution was not only brilliantly simple, but also had the
added bonus of helping out another species in crisis: Bees.

The devastation to fields is no small issue, either.  These small farmers
rely on their crops to survive, and a damaged field can mean a serious loss
of income and food.

There seemed to be no simple solution, until zoologist Dr. Lucy King
noticed something: Elephants really dont like bees, and will avoid them at
all costs.  If they hear buzzing, they l leave an area immediately,
signalling to others that bees are about.  This is because the bee stings
are especially painful to the elephants trunks, and to avoid this pain, the
elephants prefer to just stay away.  And thus, bee fences were born!

Beefencing, as it is known, is the use of hanging rows of beehives, each
connected by a length of wire.  When a nosy elephant approaches, it will
knock into the wire, setting the hives swinging and disturbing the bees.
And when the elephants hear that buzzing, they  turn around and leave.  The
crops are safe, the humans are safe, and the elephants are safe.  The bees
are safe, too.

Dr. King has been working with various conservation organizations and
communities in Africa and Sri Lanka, building these beefences around local
farms.  She hopes that this will be the first of many steps to create
sustainable solutions where humans and animals can coexist peacefully.  The
project has also attracted the attention of some big names, who are
chipping in to create more beefences.

The bees also help pollinate fields and maintain the biodiversity needed to
support an ecosystem, so the farmers get a helping hand, too.  And as an
added bonus, the farmers get to keep the honey and beeswax produced by
their hives, which they can use or sell.

This elephant-friendly honey is available in local shops near the areas
where the farmers live and work.  So, unless you are planning a visit to
Nairobi, you wont be able to get any.  But it is  quite popular where it is
sold!

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A Kind Hearted Scotsman

My wife and I walked past a swanky new restaurant last night.
"Did you smell that food?" she asked. "Incredible!"
Being the nice guy I am, I thought, "What the heck, I'll treat her!"
So we walked past it again.

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A Wolf Transformed A Whole Town

Despite their incredible beauty and their obvious similarities with our
considerably tamer canine companions, everyone knows not to play with
wolves. So when wildlife photographer Nick Jans and his Labrador
encountered a wild wolf behind their home, adrenaline started pumping
through them both.

When the wolf approached the Labrador, Nick could only stand helplessly by
and watch. But what he didn know then, on that cold winter day of 2003 was
that that encounter was the beginning of a relationship that defied all
logic  and fundamentally transformed an entire community. During the winter
of 2003, a jet-black wolf showed up on the edge of suburban Juneau, Alaska.
But this wolf didnt bear his teeth and growl aggressively. Instead, it
seemed to long for companionship. Wildlife photographer Nick Jans was on
his back porch when he saw the wolf for the first time. Despite the danger,
Nick
Labrador went to meet the visitor.

Nick, who had photographed and tracked wolves for years, immediately knew
that the wolf was wild.So he was shocked when his Labrador suddenly started
to play with him. He hurriedly grabbed his camera, and began to capture the
unexpected moment.

After a while, the wolf returned into the wilderness, but it wasnt long
before he returned. The wolf would come to Nick house to greet him often
and sometimes it even followed Nick when the photographer went skiing. And
the wolf was always gentle, says Nick.

This wolf was downright relaxed and tolerant from the start, as if he had
dropped out of the sky like a unicorn, the photographer told National
Geographic

 Geographic.

Years passed and Nick spent much time doc*menting the wolf. He eventually
named the wolf Romeo. At first, many of the small town residents didnt
trust
Romeo, but they soon realized that he was a wolf unlike any other.

Romeo soon became known by everyone in the area. People took their dogs to
Mendenhall Glacier Park so their dogs could meet Romeo. There were never
any serious incidents.

Not only did Romeo make plenty of dog friends in and around Juneau, he even
sometimes interacted and played with humans.

The wolf would bring out toys that he stashed. One was a Styrofoam float.
Romeo would pick it up and bring it to [my friend] Harry to throw. He
clearly understood the same sort of behaviors that we see in dogs, Nick
said.

The amazing thing was Romeo understanding. It wasn just our understanding
and tolerance. It was the combination of his and ours and the dogs. We were
these three species working out how to get along harmoniously. And we did,
said Nick.

Romeo lived on the outskirts of Juneau for six years. He became an
ambassador for nature and a powerful symbol for the entire community.

He was a pure wild wolf. He was not a pet, as some suggested, that had been
released, because then he would have been coming to us for food. He was his
own gatekeeper and came and went as he pleased. Sometimes he disappeared
for weeks. He clearly was catching and eating wild food with great skill,
explained Nick.

National Geographic.

After six years, Romeo time in the community ended. He passed away in 2010,
but residents will never forget how he transformed the village.

The average life span of a wolf in the wild is three years. Romeo was
already full grown when he showed up, and then he lived among us for
six-plus more years. So he was at least eight years old at the time of his
death, Nick says.

Shortly after Romeo passed away, the city of Juneau commemorated the wolf,
creating a special plaque to honor him. The plaque is installed by the lake
he used to frequent.  What a beautiful touch!

That three such different species were able to live alongside peacefully
and in complete harmony is so inspiring. It really shows you how wonderful
the world and nature can be!

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 Click here

For those of you old enough to remember Red Skelton, I think you will enjoy
this e-mail. For those of you not old enough you will see what you missed
.Either way, his humor was always clean and he was a great entertainer. A
rerun of great one liner's from the man who was known for his clean humor.
I hope you get a chuckle or two reading them once more

  RED SKELTON'S RECIPE FOR THE PERFECT MARRIAGE

  1. Two times a week we go to a nice restaurant, have a
  little beverage,good food and companionship
  She goes on Tuesdays; I go on Fridays.

  2. We also sleep in separate beds.
  Hers is in California , and mine is in Texas .

  3. I take my wife everywhere....
  but she keeps finding her way back.

  4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary.
  'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said.
  So I suggested the kitchen.

  5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

  6. She has an electric blender, electric
  toaster and electric bread maker.
  She said 'There are too many gadgets, and no place
  to sit down!' So I bought her an electric chair.

  7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well
  because there was water in the carburetor.
  I asked where the car was. She told me, 'In the lake.'

  8. She got a mud pack, and looked great for two days.
  Then the mud fell off.

  9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, 'Am I too late
  for the garbage?' The driver said, 'No, jump in!'

  10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.

  11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her
  first name was Always.

  12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months
  I don't like to interrupt her.

  13. The last fight was my fault though.
  My wife asked, 'What's on the TV?'
  I said, 'Dust!'

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 Click here

This is very cool.

Galileo in 15th century, discovered that all objects falling to earth, fall
at the same rate of time . He mentioned that a cannonball and a feather, if
dropped from the same height will touch the ground at the same time
provided there is no air resistance. He had difficulty explaining it for
quite a long time .

4 centuries later with the current Technology it has been experimentally
demonstrated.

Its a super visual treat to watch the video

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Twisted Humour!
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
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Cartoons and senior funnies
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Photo shot on the southern US border this morning
 Click here

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PERFORMANCE Review
 Click here

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Tortoise - Chuckle

While stitching a cut on the hand of a 75-year-old farmer, the doctor
struck up a conversation with the old man. Eventually the topic got around
to
Donald Trump and his role as President elect of the United States.

The old farmer said, " Well, as I see it, Donald Trump is like a 'Post
Tortoise'.''

Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a 'Post
Tortoise' was.

The old farmer said, "When you're driving down a country road and you come
across a fence post with a tortoise balanced on top, that's a Post
Tortoise."

The old farmer saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face so he continued to
explain.

"You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, he
doesn't know what to do while he's up there, he's elevated beyond his
ability to function, and you just wonder what kind of dumb asses put him up
there to begin with."

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Making Soap the Old Fashioned Way
 Click here

Making Soap The Old Fashioned Way
A fascinating look at the Nablus soap factory on the West Bank, in Israel,
and how soap is still made the old fashioned way. Im not sure what the new
way of making soap is, but I would imagine lots of automation and robotic
machinery doing the tasks that these workers perform by hand. It doesnt
appear to be a dirty job, but it certainly looks like hard work. I was
amazed at how fast the guy wrapped the bars of soap, at the end of the
process.

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Horses Know
 Click here

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Links & Photos
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Links & Photos

Ice Carousel (swear word)
 Click here

Pollution in China
 Click here

Life Inside North Korea
 Click here

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A interesting February of 2017 coming up.
 Click here

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Funny
 Click here

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[ End friday humour ]

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