Friday humour - January 20, 2017

From: Arfermo, Anonymous3, Arfermo, Burnout, Duke of Barsinov, Haz, Mitta,
Sack, Wally and Whizzbang.

Enjoy!

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Anonymous3
Cartoons for Seniors
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RETIREE'S LAST TRIP TO COSTCO
Yesterday I was at Costco buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my
loyal pet, Necco, the Wonder Dog, which weighs 191 lbs. I was in the
check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
What did she think I had an elephant? So because I'm retired and have
little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was
starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because
I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I
awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my
orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a Perfect
Diet and that the way that it works is, to load your jacket pockets with
Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The
food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it
again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now
enthralled with my story.) Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive
care, because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stopped to pee on
a fire hydrant and a car hit me.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was
laughing so hard.
Costco won't let me shop there anymore. Better watch what you ask retired
people. They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to
say.
Forward this (especially) to all your retired friends... it will be their
laugh for the day.

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Clever Jury

In a criminal justice system based on 12 individuals not smart enough to
get out of jury duty, here is a jury to be proud of :

A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating
guilt, but there was no corpse.
In the defense's closing statement, the lawyer, knowing that his client
would probably be convicted,resorted to a trick.

" Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the
lawyer said as he looked at his watch.
"Within one minute, the person  presumed dead in this case will walk into
this courtroom. "

He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all
looked on eagerly.

A minute passed. Nothing happened.

Finally the lawyer said, " Actually, I made up the previous statement. But
you all looked on with anticipation.
I, therefore, put it to you that you have a reasonable doubt in this case
as to whether anyone was killed, and I insist that you return a verdict of
not guilty. "

The jury retired to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returned and
pronounced a verdict of guilty.

" But how ? " inquired the lawyer. " You must have had some doubt; I saw
all of you stare at the door. "

The jury foreman replied :  " Yes, we did look, but your client didn't. "

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This might keep you cool!!
Check this out.
 Click here

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Tasteless Joke

A COWBOY & HIS BRAND-NEW BRIDE CHECK INTO A HOTEL FOR THEIR HONEYMOON.
THE HUSBAND GOES TO THE FRONT DESK, & ASKS FOR A ROOM.
"THIS IS A VERY SPECIAL OCCASION," HE INFORMS THE RECEPTIONIST.
"WE DONE GOT MARRIED TODAY, & WE NEED A GOOD ROOM WITH A STRONG BED."
THE RECEPTIONIST WINKS, & ASKS, "DO YOU WANT THE BRIDAL?"
THE COWBOY THINKS ABOUT IT FOR A WHILE, & THEN REPLIES, "NOPE, I GUESS NOT.
I'LL JUST HOLD ON TO HER EARS UNTIL SHE GETS USED TO IT."

Short,Sweet and Funny

A woman is sitting on the veranda with her husband and she says, "I love
you."

He asks, "Is that you or the wine talking?"

She replies, "I'm talking to the wine........"

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Helping Hand

While strolling round the harbour this morning about 11 a.m., I heard this
character shouting, "Allah be praised" and "Death to all infidels," then he
suddenly tripped and fell into the water.

He was struggling to stay afloat because of all the explosives he was
carrying. I realised If he didn't get help, he would surely drown.

Being a responsible Christian citizen, which requires you to help those in
distress, I informed the Police, the Coastguard, the Immigration Office and
the Ambulance Service.

It is now 4 p.m. The terrorist has drowned, and none of these authorities
has responded yet.

I'm starting to think I wasted those four stamps.

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"Hellfire" rains down on Arizona
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January 9, 2017
Nature's fury is captured in these stunning photos of storms above the
Arizona desert.

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Jack Russells
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Arfermo
Norwegian Icebreaker heads up the Fraser River

As you may have seen on the news it's been very cold in BC.  So cold, in
fact, that the Government of BC has borrowed a Norwegian Icebreaker to
clear the Fraser River for freighter traffic.  The Icebreaker is starting
near
Vancouver and working northwards.
Here is a picture as the hard work of ice breaking begins.

Impressive!
 Click here

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Only in china...
 Click here

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Fw: So Sad
 Click here

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Subtle
 Click here

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Classic Bob Hawke joke
 Click here

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Super iPhone.
 Click here

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Signs you see only in Australia.
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 TODAY...
 Click here

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BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN -- "THE SEQUEL"
 Click here

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Striptease!
 Click here

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Links & Photos
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Who Took the Cookie?
 Click here

Dan Mancina (Blind Skateboarder)
 Click here

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Traffic Cop
 Click here

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Always Fully Open the Door
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Some Old, Some New
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Senior Confessions-
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Putin
 Click here

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