Friday humour - January 13, 2017

 From Burnout @ Bluehaze:

From: Anonymous3
Subject: Betty Hutton in "I'm Just A Square In A Social Circle" Number -
 Click here

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From: Burnout
Subject: You don't need to speak Japanese.....
 Click here

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From: Digi Steve
Subject: Surprise!
 Click here

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From: Digi Steve
Subject: Free Beer

A new guy in town walks into a bar and reads a sign hanging in the
entrance, which says
FREE BEER FOR WHOEVER CAN PASS THE TEST!

So the guy asks the bartender what the test is.

The bartender replies, Well, first you have to drink that whole 5 litres of
pepper tequila  the whole thing at once  and you cant make a face while
doing it. Second, theres a  Croc' out back with a sore tooth you have to
remove it with your bare hands. Third, theres a woman upstairs whos never
had an orgasm. You gotta make things right for her.

The guy says, Well, as much as I would love free beer, I wont do it. You
have to be nuts to drink 5 litres of pepper tequila and then get crazier
from there.

But as time passes and the man drinks a few, he asks, Wherez zat teqeelah?

He grabs the 5 litres of tequila with both hands and downs it with big
slurps, tears streaming down his face.

Next, he staggers out back and soon all the people inside hear the most
frightening roaring and thumping, then silence.

The man staggers back into the bar, his shirt ripped and big scratches all
over his body.
Now, he groans, wheres that woman with the sore tooth?

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From: Nottingham Smithie
Subject: Ffinlo Mylrea of Ronague

Ffinlo Mylrea of Ronague was in the fertilized egg business.
He had several hundred young =91pullets,' and ten roosters to fertilize the
20eggs.
He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the broth pot and
was replaced.
This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to
his roosters.
Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which
rooster was performing.
Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just
listening to the bells.
Ffinlo's favourite rooster called, the MHK, was a very fine specimen, but
this morning he noticed the MHK's bell hadn't rung at all!
When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing
pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming,
would run for cover.
To Ffinlo's amazement, the MHK had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't
ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do the honours and walk on to the next
one.
Ffinlo was so proud of the MHK, he entered him in the Southern Show and he
became an overnight sensation among the judges. The result was the judges
not only awarded the MHK the "No Bell Piece Prize," but they also awarded
him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.
Clearly the MHK was a politician in the making.
Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most
coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the
unsuspecting populace and tupping them when they weren't paying attention
Vote carefully in the next Keys election, you can't always hear the bells.

Subject: the cost is too high

"I destroy homes, tear families apart - take your children, and that's just
the start.
I'm more costly than diamonds, more costly than gold - the sorrow I bring
is a sight to behold.
And if you need me, remember I'm easily found.
I live all around you, in schools and in town.
I live with the rich, I live with the poor, I live down the street, and
maybe next door.
My power is awesome - try me you'll see.
But if you do, you may never break free.
Just try me once and I might let you go, but try me twice, and I'll own
your soul.
When I possess you, you'll steal and you'll lie.
You'll do what you have to just to get high.
The crimes you'll commit, for my narcotic charms, will be worth the
pleasure you'll feel in your arms.
You'll lie to your mother; you'll steal from your dad.
When you see their tears, you should feel sad.
But you'll forget your morals and how you were raised.
I'll be your conscience, I'll teach you my ways.
I take kids from parents, and parents from kids, I turn people from God,
and separate from friends.
I'll take everything from you, your looks and your pride, I'll be with you
always, right by your side.
You'll give up everything - your family, your home, your friends, your
money, then you'll be alone.
I'll take and I'll take, till you have nothing more to give.
When I'm finished with you you'll be lucky to live.
If you try me be warned this is no game.
If given the chance, I'll drive you insane.
I'll ravish your body, I'll control your mind.
I'll own you completely; your soul will be mine.
The nightmares I'll give you while lying in bed.
The voices you'll hear from inside your head.
The sweats, the shakes, the visions you'll see.
I want you to know, these are all gifts from me.
But then it's too late, and you'll know in your heart, that you are mine,
and we shall not part.
You'll regret that you tried me, they always do.
But you came to me, not I to you.
You knew this would happen.
Many times you were told, but you challenged my power, and chose to be
bold.
You could have said no, and just walked away.
If you could live that day over, now what would you say?
I'll be your master; you will be my slave.
I'll even go with you, when you go to your grave.
Now that you have met me, what will you do?
Will you try me or not?
Its all up to you.
I can bring you more misery than words can tell.
Come take my hand, let me lead you to hell."
Signed
DRUGS

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From: Sack
Subject:    RAMBLING OF A RETIRED MIND
I found this timely, because today
I was in a store that sells sunglasses, and only sunglasses. A young lady
walks over to me and asks, "what brings you in today?".
I looked at her, and said, I'm interested in buying a refrigerator. She
didn't quite know how to respond. Am I getting to be that age?

I was thinking about how a status symbol of  today is those cell phones
that everyone has clipped onto their belt or purse.  I can't afford one. 
So I'm wearing my garage door opener.

You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people
didn't like me anyway.

I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer
cans!

I was thinking about old age and decided that old age is when you still
have something on the ball but you are just too tired to bounce it.

I thought about making a fitness movie for folks my age and call it
'Pumping Rust'.

When people see a cat's litter box they always say, 'Oh, have you got a
cat?'  Just   once I want to say, 'No, it's for company!'

Employment application blanks always ask who is to be called in case of an
emergency. I think you should write, 'An ambulance.'

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as
they get older. Then it dawned on me.  They were cramming for their finals.

As for me, I'm just hoping God grades on the curve.

Birds of a feather flock together . . . .and then cr*p on your car.

The older you get the tougher it is to lose weight because by then your
body and your fat have   gotten to be really good friends.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a
replacement.

Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are XL.

The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's
really in trouble..

Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words 'The' and 'IRS' together it
spells 'Theirs...'

Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age
and start bragging about it.

Some people try to turn back their "odometers." Not me. I want people to
know 'why' I look this way.  I've travelled a long way and some of the
roads weren't paved.

You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

Ah! Being young is beautiful but being old is comfortable.

Lord, Keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth

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From: Seasoldier
Subject: The Baptist Cowboy

   A Cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from  Texas , walks into a bar and
orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip
out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar
and orders three more.

   The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes
flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."

   The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in 
Arizona , the other is in Colorado . When we all left our home in  Texas ,
we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank
together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for
myself."

   The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

   The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way.
He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

   One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take
notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round,
the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to
offer my condolences on your loss."

   The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his
eyes and he laughs.
   "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife
and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."
   "Hasn't affected my brothers though."

Subject: Bar etiquette

       I was standing at the bar in Terminal 3 at the International Airport
when this small Chinese guy comes in, stands next to me, and starts
drinking a beer.

       I asked him, "Do you know any of those martial arts things, like
Kung-Fu, Karate, or Ju-Jitsu?"

       He says, "No I don't.  And why the hell would you ask me that?  Is
it because I am Chinese?"

       "No", I said, "It's because you're drinking my beer, you little
sh*t."

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From: Whizzbang
Subject: PUTIN SPEECH--A MUST READ!

[I cant attest to the veracity of the alleged speech, but if it is true
some of these no-hopers in Canberra and the weak twit in Victoria, ought to
invite the  President here for a teaching session. After all if youve got
any brains  you dont play cat & mouse with the head  of the KGB   as Mr
Obama has possibly now realised].

    PUTIN SPEECH--A MUST READ!

NO Wonder he was selected by Forbes as the most powerful person in the
world. This is one time our elected leaders should pay attention to the 
advice of Vladimir Putin.

I would suggest that not only our leaders but every citizen of USA should 
pay attention to this advice. How scary is that?

It is a sad day when a Communist Leader makes more sense than our LEADERS
here in the U.S.A.,  but here it is!

Vladimir Putin's speech - SHORTEST SPEECH EVER.

Vladimir Putin, the Russian president, addressed the Duma, (Russian
Parliament), and gave a speech about the tensions with  minorities in
Russia:

"In Russia, live like Russians. Any minority, from anywhere, if it wants to
live  in Russia, to work and eat in Russia, it should speak Russian, and
should respect the Russian laws. If they prefer Sharia Law, and live the
life of Muslim's then we advise  them to go to those places where that's
the state law.

"Russia does not need Muslim minorities. Minorities need Russia,  and we
will not grant them special privileges, or try to change our laws to fit
their desires, no matter how loud they yell 'discrimination'. We will not
tolerate disrespect of our Russian culture. We better learn from the
suicides of America, England, Holland, and France, if we are to survive as
a nation. The Muslims are taking over those countries and they will not
take over Russia. The Russian customs and traditions are not compatible
with the lack of culture or the primitive ways of Sharia Law and Muslims.

"When this honorable legislative body thinks of creating new laws, it
should have in mind the Russian national interest  first, observing that
the Muslims Minorities Are Not Russians."

The politicians in the Duma gave Putin a five minute standing ovation.

If you keep this to yourself, you are part of the problem!

Subject: MAYOR REFUSES TO REMOVE PORK FROM SCHOOL CANTEEN MENU

Let's hear it for a Joondalup mayor...Or as the commercial promoting pork
says

Put some pork on your fork

WAY TO GO AUSTRALIA

MAYOR REFUSES TO REMOVE PORK FROM SCHOOL CANTEEN MENU... EXPLAINS WHY

Muslim parents demanded the abolition of pork in all the school canteens of
a Perth suburb.
The mayor of the Perth suburb of Joondalup, has refused, and the town clerk
sent a note to all parents to explain why...

Muslims must understand that they have to adapt to Australia , its customs,
its traditions, its way of life, because that's where they chose to
immigrate.
They must understand that they have to integrate and learn to live in 
Australia.
They must understand that it is for them to change their lifestyle, not the
Australians who so generously welcomed them.
They must understand that Australians are neither racist nor xenophobic,
they accepted many immigrants before Muslims (whereas the reverse is not
true, in that Muslim states do not accept non-Muslim immigrants).
That no more than other nations, Australians are not willing to give up
their identity, their culture.
And if Australia is a land of welcome, it's not the Mayor of Joondalup who
welcomes foreigners, but the Australian people as a whole.
Finally, they must understand that in Australia with its Judeo-Christian
roots, Christmas trees, churches and religious festivals, religion must
remain in the private domain.

The municipality of Joondalup was right to refuse any concessions to Islam
and Sharia.
For Muslims who disagree with secularism and do not feel comfortable in 
Australia, there are 57 beautiful Muslim countries in the world, most of
them under-populated and ready to receive them with open halal arms in
accordance with Shariah.
If you left your country for Australia , and not for other Muslim
countries, it is because you have considered that life is better in
Australia than elsewhere.
Ask yourself the question, just once, Why is it better here in  Australia
than where you come from?
A canteen with pork is part of the answer.

If you feel the same forward it on, if not, hit the delete

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From: Anonymous3
Subject: Funny license plates
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here

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From: Arfermo
 Click here
Who did it? Own up or else........................

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From: Sack
Subject: Roadrunner Vs Rattlesnake Incredible Video
 Click here

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From: Sack
Subject:  The Captions Are Priceless

The captions are priceless...
and the photography is amazing!

I hate it when he plays "Mount Everest".
 Click here

Menopause sucks.
 Click here

Who the heck is "Sugar Lips?"
 Click here

Those brownies were Far Out!!
 Click here

NO!  We Don't want any Magazine Subscriptions!
 Click here

There's a ringer competing in the Hogtown Olympics.
 Click here

I'm not Over-Weight, I'm Under-Height!!
 Click here

You do have an odd perspective on things.
 Click here

Lunchtime at the Corncob Cafe.
 Click here

Okay, I caught him, now what do I do with him?
 Click here

I hate this game.
 Click here

Flight 'Hum-One' coming in for a landing.
 Click here

Hi, I'm Celeste, I'll be your Aura-Concierge today.
 Click here

Just act natural and blend in.
 Click here

Where's my Coffee?
 Click here

Whoo-o loves ya, Baby?
 Click here

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From: Wally
Subject: Links & Photos
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

The Worlds Most Famous Unknown Band (Country)
 Click here

Traffic Lights in Fog (Different)
 Click here

Signs
 Click here

Subject: How Good it Was
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All the girls had ugly school uniforms

It took five minutes for the TV to warm up

Nearly everyone's Mum was home when the kids got home from school

Nobody owned a purebred dog

You'd reach into a muddy gutter for a penny

Your Mother wore nylons that came in two pieces

All male teachers wore ties and female teachers had their hair done every
day and wore high heels

You got your windscreen cleaned, oil checked and petrol served, without
asking, all for free, every time..

Mum cooked every night and nearly every meal was meat and 3 Veg with a
Roast on Sunday.

They threatened to keep children back a year if they failed the school
year. .. .  And they did!

When an FC Holden was everyone's dream car...

No one ever asked where the car keys were because they were always in the
car, in the ignition, and the doors were never locked

Spinning around, getting dizzy and falling down was cause for giggles?

Playing cricket with no adults to help the children with the rules of the
game

Bottles came from the corner shop without safety caps and hermetic seals
because no one had yet tried to poison a perfect stranger

And with all our progress, don't you wish, just once, you could slip back
in time and savour the slower pace, and share it with the children of 
today?

When being sent to the headmaster's office was nothing compared to the fate
that awaited you at home

Basically we were in fear for our lives, but it wasn't because of drive-by
shootings, drugs, gangs etc. Our parents and grandparents were a much
bigger threat! But we survived because their love was greater than the
threat.
As well as summers filled with bike rides, cricket, Hula  Hoops, skating
and visits to the pool, and bonfire nights with REAL firecrackers.

Didn't that feel good, just to go back and say, 'Yes, I remember that'?

I am sharing this with you today because it ended with a Double Dare to
pass it on.  To remember what a Double Dare is, read on, and remember that
the perfect age is somewhere between old enough to know better and too
young to care.

Send this on to someone who can still remember the Lone Ranger and Sgt
Bilko

How Many Of These Do You Remember?
      Coca  Cola  in bottles.

Choo Choo Bars and Fags. (That word had no other meaning then.)

Home milk delivery before glass bottles (with tinfoil tops ) when the
milkman filled your Billy.

LP's & 45 RPM records.

78 RPM records!

Adding Machines.

Scalextric.

Do You Remember a Time When..
Decisions were made by going 'Eeny-meeny-miney-moe'?
'Race issue' meant arguing about who ran the fastest?
Catching tadpoles could happily occupy an entire day?

It wasn't odd to have two or three  'Best  Friends'?

Having a Weapon in School meant being caught with a shangai?

Playing War with pretend guns but "real" wooden swords.

Cigarette cards in the spokes transformed any bike into a motorcycle?

Taking drugs meant being given half of one of mum's Bex tablets for a
headache.

Lighting a whole row of Tom Thumbs and throwing them at your mate's feet,
was the ultimate weapon.

Subject: Interstate Croc Rivalry
 Click here Click here

Subject: Links & Photos
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

Links & Photos

Winter in Austria
 Click here

Send a Mobile Kiss
 Click here

Please Play with Me
 Click here

2016 Best of Web
 Click here

2016 Best Awesome People
 Click here

Croc beats Wheelie Bin
 Click here

Indoor Airbus A-320
 Click here

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From: Whizzbang
Subject:  Real Ad from an Israeli GPS Company
 Click here

Subject:  LAUGHS FOR THE DAY
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Subject:  Sussan Ley bought this property on spec lol
 Click here

read this story and tell me how believable you think it is

Subject: Holland does it again
 Click here

Subject:  BEFORE FAME
 Click here

Subject:  Love this philosophy
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Philosophy

JANE SEABROOK is an illustrator and designer who lives in Auckland , New
Zealand ..
In recent years, her artwork has focused on paintings of wildlife for the
Fury Logic series of books.
She shares her life with her husband, two teenage children, and a growing
menagerie of assorted animals.
Following are some excerpts from her Fury Logic books.

There's always a lot to be thankful for ~ if you take time to look for it.

For example, I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't
hurt...

Spread the laughter, share the cheer;

Let's be happy while we're here!!!

Subject: The Front Porch

On the first day, God created the dog and said,
" Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or
walks past.

For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking.
How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"
And God saw it was good.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said,

"Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh.
For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."

The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years?
That's a pretty long time to perform.
How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"

And God, again saw it was good.

On the third day, God created the cow and said,
"You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under
the sun, have calves and give milk to supportthe farmer's family.

For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."
The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty
years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"

And God agreed it was good.

On the fourth day, God created humans and said,

"Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this,
I'll give you twenty years."
But the human said, "Only twenty years?
Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back,
the ten the monkey gave back,and the ten the dog gave back; that makes
eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."

So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep,play and enjoy
ourselves.
For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family.
For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren.
And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information.
I'm doing it as a public service.

If you are looking for me I will be on the front porch.

Subject:  They Can Can do it in France...(XXX - ED)
 Click here

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Quote of the Week:

Lady Astor, who hated Churchill met him at a London Party:
Mr Churchill, you are Drunk! 
Churchill who did not care for Astor said,
Madam, you are ugly, tomorrow, I’ll be sober.

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[ End friday humour ]

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