Friday humour - January 06, 2017

[from Steve @ Bluehaze]

Well here it is being 2017. Doesn't feel much different to 2016 so far.
Hope you put in a good one anyway.

Thanks to Haz, Havarum, KRP, Seasoldier, Wally & Whizzbang.

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Spouse Store

A store that sells new husbands has opened in Melbourne where a woman may
go to choose a husband.
Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store
operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of
the products increases as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may
choose any item from a particular floor or may choose to go up to the next
floor but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.

On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and
Help With Housework.

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with
Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign
reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on
this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to
please.

Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store
just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love s*x.

The second floor has wives that love s*x, have money and like beer.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

A Wonderful Christmas Commercial For Coke

Hanky Time! Great for kids to watch

At last a commercial that tops the Budweiser w/ horses ads.....

This has to be the most beautiful commercial I have ever seen. There is
nothing more beautiful than seeing children happy and smiling.

The Bridge For Santa
Awesome!
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Tea is more dangerous than beer. Please avoid drinking tea.
I discovered this last night, I had 14 beers till 3am at the pub while my
wife was just drinking tea at home.
You should have seen how violent and angry she was when I got home. I was
peaceful, silent and headed to bed as she shouted at me, all night and even
into the next morning.
Please ladies, if you can't handle your tea, don't drink it...

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

exican Weather Reporter.

Weather reporting is a wonderful thing (click on the YouTube link)...
My buddy watches Mexican weather TV and doesn't understand any of
it...............now I know why !

OMG !!!!
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

A man walks into a chemist shop with his 8-year old son. They happen to
walk by the condom display, and the
Boy asks, 'What  are these, Dad?'
To which the man matter-of-factly replies,
'Those are called condoms, son.
Men use them to have safe s*x.''

Oh  I see,' replied the boy.' Yes, I've heard of  that in health class at 
school.'
He looks over the display and picks up a Package of 3 and asks, 'Why are
there 3 in this package?'
The dad replies, 'Those are for high school boys, one for Friday, one for
Sat*rday, and one for Sunday.

'Cool' says the boy.
He notices a 6 pack and asks, 'Then who are these for?'

Those are for college men,' the dad  answers,
'TWO  for Friday, TWO for Sat*rday and TWO for Sunday.'

'WOW!' exclaimed the boy, 'then who uses THESE?' he asks, picking up a 12
Pack.
W ith a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied,
'Those  are for Married men. One for January, one for  February, one for 
March........'

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

How Moses got the Ten Commandments

God went to the Arabs and said, 'I have Commandments for you that will make
your lives better.'

The Arabs asked, 'What are Commandments?' And the Lord said, 'They are
rules for living.'

'Can you give us an example?'

'Thou shall not kill.'

'Not kill? We're not interested..'

So He went to the Blacks and said, 'I have Commandments.'

The Blacks wanted an example, and the Lord said, 'Honor thy Father and
Mother.'

'Father? We don't know who our fathers are. We're not interested.'

Then He went to the Mexicans and said, 'I have Commandments.'

The Mexicans also wanted an example, and the Lord said 'Thou shall not
steal.'

'Not steal? We're not interested.'

Then He went to the French and said, 'I have Commandments.'

The French too wanted an example and the Lord said, 'Thou shall not commit
adultery.'

'Sacre bleu!!! Not commit adultery? We're not interested.'

Finally, He went to the Jews and said, 'I have Commandments..'

'Commandments?' They said, 'How much are they?'

'They're free.'

'We'll take 10.'

There. That, should pi$$ off just about everybody.

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Why Some Men Have Dogs And Not Wives

 1.  The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.

 2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.

 3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.

 4. A dog's parents never visit.

 5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.

 6. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.

 7. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk..

 8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.

 9. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you get
another dog?"

 10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them
away.

 11. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a
pervert.

 12. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just
think it's interesting.

 13. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.

And last, but not least:

 14. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.

To test this theory:   Lock your wife & your dog in the garage for an hour.
  Then open it and see who's  happy to see you!

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

CIRC*MCISION DISQUALIFIES A POLITICIAN.

A man walks into the Election office, says to the receptionist:

"I would like to put my name forward for the forthcoming elections to be an
Independent candidate.

The receptionist replied, "Certainly sir. Please fill in this form.''

He was filling the form until he came to the question, ''Are you
circ*mcised?''

So he asked the receptionist , "Is that question necessary?"

She replied, "If you are circ*mcised you are not eligible" .

He asked what difference it would make if he was circ*mcised?

She replied, "To become a politician, you have to be a complete pr*ck "

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Boycotting the USA

Muslim immigrants are boycotting the U.S.A. by the thousands, showing their
outrage with Donald Trump's proposed law of stopping all further Muslim
immigrants till they can clearly check who they are.

In the small town of Guadalupe, AZ, south of Phoenix, Mohammed Aabad is one
of those who is punishing the U.S.A. by leaving. As he loaded his stolen
car with his stolen belongings, four wives and fourteen children, the 21
year old Mohammed Aabad told... this reporter through an interpreter

"It's a matter of principle; I refuse to be supported by a state that
treats me like a criminal!"

The effects of the exodus are being felt by American retailers, who are
reporting dwindling sales of beer, spray paint, and ammunition. Also hit
hard are the state hospitals, which have reported a dramatic decline in
births and emergency room visits.

Mohammed Aabad told a reporter through an interpreter that he and his
family are moving to Australia , where if the Labor Party returns to
government , they will pay for everything, where hard working people,
through their taxes, will support him and his family with dignity!

Kinda brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Just waiting for 9:15
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Gifts
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Huge Boost To Australia's Economy
 Click here

This will surely make our economy boom; Mr Turnbull's friend Jobson Groth
will be delighted.  I only regret that I have little hair with which to
take advantage of the coming export boom in that commodity.

I could begin the manufacture of rocket launchers though; the Chinese
military may not have many.  Now, where did I put that length of old
downpipe.

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Ya just got to luv computers
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

No Speak English

A German woman married an Australian gentleman, born in Brisbane, and they
lived happily ever after in his home town.

The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but did manage to
communicate with her husband.

The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.

One day, she went to the butcher counter and wanted to buy chicken legs.

She didn't know how to put forward her request. So, in desperation, clucked
like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. Her butcher got
the message and gave her the chicken legs.

Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn't know how to
say it, so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the
butcher her breasts.

The butcher understood again and gave her some chicken breasts.

On the 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages.

Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the
store...

...

What were you thinking?

Her husband speaks English.... hellooo!

I worry about you sometimes!

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

FLU SEASON

To avoid it...
E at right!

Make sure you get your daily dose of fruit and veggies.

Take your vitamins and bump up your vitamin C.

Get plenty of exercise because it builds your immune system.

Walk for at least an hour a day, go for a swim,

take the stairs instead of the lift, etc.

Wash your hands often.
If you can't, keep a bottle of antibacterial stuff around.

Get lots of fresh air.
Open doors & windows whenever possible.

Try to eliminate as much stress from your life as you can.

Get plenty of rest.

OR

Take the doctor's approach.

Think about it...

When you go for a flu jab, what do they do first?

They clean your arm with alcohol...

Why?

Because Alcohol KILLS GERMS.

So...

I walk to the pub. (exercise)

I put lime in my vodka...(fruit)

Celery in my Bloody Mary (veggies)

Drink outdoors on the patio..(fresh air)

Tell jokes and laugh....(eliminate stress)

Then I pass out. (rest)

The way I see it...

If you keep your alcohol levels up, flu germs can't get you!

REMEMBER:
'A shot in the glass is better than one in the ass!'

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

News Headlines
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

NT News Front Pages
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Links & Photos
 Click here Click here

How the World Celebrates Christmas
 Click here

Peac*ck Spider Christmas
 Click here

Best GoPro 2016
 Click here

Sweden's Ice Hotel
 Click here

Australian Bricklayers
 Click here

China from Above
 Click here

Vietnam Battle Map
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Mabel Wolf
 Click here Click here

March 1934: Forty-year-old Mabel Wolf of Brooklyn showed up at Kings County
Hospital complaining of acute stomach pain, and a loss of appetite. An
x-ray revealed the presence of a large clump of metallic objects in her
stomach. In a subsequent hour-long operation, surgeons removed 1,203 pieces
of hardware from her stomach. The objects weighed a total of one pound,
three ounces. Amazingly, they hadn't done her any serious harm. Miss Wolf
claimed that she had eaten all the objects five years earlier, in a single
week, while she had been working at a Manhattan hardware store. You have to
wonder if the store had noticed the loss of inventory. When pressed
further, Miss Wolf said, "I really don't know what started me on my diet.
Don't ask me any more about it. I only want to get well, and go home." (I
wonder if she wanted to get stuck into those rings for lunch ... Wally)

The inventory of items removed included:

  a.. 584 fine upholstery tacks
  b.. 144 carpet tacks
  c.. 2 chair tacks
  d.. 1 round-headed thumbtack
  e.. 3 school thumbtacks
  f.. 46 small screws
  g.. 6 medium screws
  h.. 80 large screws
  i.. 1 hook-shaped screw
  j.. 30 small bolts
  k.. 47 larger bolts
  l.. 3 picture hooks
  m.. 3 nuts
  n.. 2 large bent safety pins
  o.. 1 small safety pin
  p.. 2 stray pins without heads
  q.. 1 matted mass of hair containing screws and pins
  r.. 59 assorted beads
  s.. 4 pieces of wire
  t.. 89 pieces of glass
  u.. 1 piece of teacup handle

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Rare images from Wildlife Photography
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Difference between Twitter & Google..
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

      Ah-the-eah the-eah That's All (for this week) Folks!


--------------------------------------------------------------------------
[ End friday humour ]

 Previous (December 30, 2016)  Index Next (January 13, 2017)