Friday humour - December 30, 2016

From Haz@Bluehaze

Hope you all had a great Christmas and that you have a safe new year.
After all that has happened this year – we can only hope 2017 is
better-We lost  Carrie Fisher, George Michael, Prince, Zsa Zsa Gabor, Gene
Wilder Florence Henderson, Muhammed Ali, Leonard Cohen, Davdi Bowie Ronnie
Corbett  to name a few and to top a bad year, Trump was elected
Thanks to our contributors this and every week who make this so much fun to
read and edit – this week’s being Arfermo, KRP, Nottingham Smithie,
Seasoldier, Wally, Haz, Sack, Wally and Whizzbang – keep them coming

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Kitten Relentlessly Annoys His Puppy Pal
 Click here

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AGT
84-Year-Old Man Surprises 'America's Got Talent' Judges with Naughty
Original Song
 Click here

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This will put you in the holiday spirit.
 Click here

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Family....

A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and
says, 'I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your Mother and
I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.'
'Dad, what are you talking about?' the son screams.
'We can't stand the sight of each other any longer, 'the father says.
'We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call
your sister in Leeds and tell her.'
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. 'Like hell
they're getting divorced,' she shouts, 'I'll take care of this.'
She calls Scotland immediately, and screams at her father, 'You are NOT
getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my
brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a
thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?' and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife.. 'Okay,' he says,
˜they’re coming for Christmas - and they're paying their own way.

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wee-day-out
 Click here

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WHO WILL PAY THE PECKER CHECKER?

There are important questions to be answered about this bathroom
legislation and transgenders being able to use a restroom of the gender
that they "identify" with.
Will public restrooms be required to have a Genital Inspection Station
posted at the entrance to all public restrooms?
Who will have to pay these Pecker Checkers the people using the restroom,
or the entity that owns the restroom?
And how much money will a Pecker Checker be paid to check peckers?
Or, do we pay a Pecker Checker by the number of peckers checked by each
Pecker Checker?
How many peckers can a Pecker Checker check if a Pecker Checker could check
peckers?
What has this country come to when the U.S. Department of Labor has to
create a new job description of Politically Correct Restroom Service
Inspectors
Want to guess their motto..........???
"If you gotta pee - We gotta see!"

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good to look back
 Click here

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Maybe Something To Try ...

This Indian holy man guru is 101 years old.
He has 28 children, 54 grandchildren, and 32 great great grandchildren
This is how he starts his day every morning.
You need to do this exercise every day, and you too can live to be 101
years old ..
 Click here

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Subject: Mrs Claus Takes Over
 Click here

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Two coroners relax

Two coroners relax after work in a bar. One of them takes a large sip of
his beer and says:
"You know, I performed an autopsy on a woman today, and boy… her
cl*toris.. it was like a pickle!".
"What!", the other one exclaims, "That large?!"
"No, no", replies the first. "That salty!"

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Candy Limerick

It was another Payday and I was tired of Mr. Goodbar.
I saw Miss Hershey standing behind the Powerhouse on the corner of Clark
and Fifth Avenue when I whipped out my Whopper and whispered, "Hey
Sweetheart, how'd you like to Crunch on my big hunk for a Million Dollar
Bar?"
Well, she immediately went down on my Tootsie Roll, and it was like pure
Almond Joy!
I couldn't help but grab her delicious Mounds because it was easy to see
that this little Twix had the Red Hots.
It was all I could do to hold the Snickers and Crackle as my Butterfinger
went up her tight little Kit Kat and she started to scream "Oh Henry, Oh
Henry!" Soon she was fondling my Peter Pan and ZagNut and I knew it
wouldn't be long before I blew my Milk Duds clear to Mars that gave her a
taste of the old Milky Way.
She asked me if I was into M&M, but I said, "Hey Chicklet, no kinky stuff."
I said, "Look you little Reese's Pieces, don't be a Zero, be a Lifesaver.
Why don't you take my Whatchamacallit and slip it up your Bit 'O' Honey?"
(What a piece of Juicy Fruit she was, too!) She screamed, "Oh Crackerjack,
better than the Three Musketeers!" as I rammed my Ding Dong up her Rocky
Road and into her Peanut Butter Cup.
Well, I was giving it to her Good 'N' Plenty, when all the sudden... my
Starburst! Yeah, as luck would have it, she started to grow Chunky and
complained of a Cadbury Egg in her stomach. Sure enough, nine months later,
out popped?
A Baby Ruth!

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wogan at his best
 Click here

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BELL RINGER

After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the Cathedral of Notre Dame sent
word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed.
The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went
up into the belfry to begin the screening process.
After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he had decided
to call it a day.
Just then, an armless man approached him and announced that he was there to
apply for the bell ringer's job. The bishop was incredulous.
'You have no arms !
'No matter,' said the man. 'Observe !'
And he began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody
on the carillon.
The bishop listened in astonishment; convinced he had finally found a
replacement for Quasimodo.
But suddenly, as he rushed forward to strike the bell, the armless man
tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the
street below.
The stunned bishop rushed down two hundred and ninety five church steps,
when he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure,
drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moment before.
As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked,
'Bishop, who was this man ?'..
'I don't know his name,' the bishop sadly replied,
WAIT FOR IT!!!

' .................... BUT HIS FACE RINGS A BELL'

WAIT ! WAIT ! There's more

The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart
due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist, the bishop
continued his interviews for the bell ringer of Notre Dame.
The first man to approach him said, 'Your Excellency, I am the brother of
the poor armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry
yesterday.
I pray that you honour his life by allowing me to replace him in this
duty.'
The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and, as the armless man’
brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned,
clutched at his chest, twirled around, and died on the spot.
Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy,
rushed up the stairs to his side.
'What has happened ? Who is this man ?' the first monk asked breathlessly.
'I don't know his name,' sighed the distraught bishop, 'but....'

(. . . Wait for it ...)

'HE'S A DEAD RINGER FOR HIS BROTHER.'

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Christmas

The Santa Claus at the shopping mall was very surprised when Emily, young
lady aged about 20 years old walked up and sat on his lap. Now, we all know
that Santa doesn't usually take requests from adults, but she smiled very
nicely at him, so he asked her, 'What do you want for Christmas?'
'Something for my mother, please,' replied Emily sweetly.
 'Something for your mother? Well, that's very loving and thoughtful of
you,' smiled Santa. 'What do would you like me to bring her?'
 Without turning a hair Emily answered quickly, 'A son-in-law.'

The judge asked the defendant what he was charged with.
 "Doing my Christmas shopping early," was the reply.
 "That not illegal! How early were you shopping?"
 "Before the store was open."

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CHRISTMAS LIGHTS

 *I love CHRISTMAS LIGHTS, they remind me of Politicians.*  *They all hang
together, half the f*ckers don't work, *  *and the ones that do aren't very
bright.*

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Santa Claus is Dead

Santa Claus literally drops dead, often in front of a crowd of horrified
children. What happens is that if you take a guy who's out of shape and
overweight, dress him up in a hot costume, and make him do an unaccustomed
level of exertion, the odds of him collapsing from a medical condition
increase dramatically. However, Santas have also perished from non-medical
causes, such as beard catching on fire, and a helicopter crash.

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A lucky bastard..

A  man goes into a doctor's office feeling a little ill.
The doctor checks him over and says, 'Sorry, I have some bad news, you have
Yellow 24, a really nasty virus.  It's called Yellow 24 because it turns
your blood yellow and you usually only have 24 hours to live.  There's no
known cure so just go home and enjoy your final precious moments on
earth..'

So he trudges home to his wife and breaks the news.
Distraught, she asks him to go to the bingo with her that evening as he's
never been there with her before.

They arrive at the bingo and with his first card he gets four corners and
wins $35.  Then, with the same card, he gets a line and wins $320.  Then he
gets the full house and wins $5000.

Then the National Game comes up and he wins that too Getting $780,000.
The bingo caller gets him up on stage and says, 'Son, I've been here 20
years and I've never seen anyone win four corners, a line, the full-house
and the national game on the same card.

You must be the luckiest bastard on Earth!' 'Lucky?' he screamed. 'Lucky?
I'll have you know I've got Yellow 24'. 'F*ck me,' says the bingo caller.
'You've won the meat raffle as well !!

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Best Chicken Dance [XXX]
 Click here
Warning: Don’t ever let yourself be talked into doing the chicken dance

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SIGNS OF THE TIMES Some new - some old - all a bit of fun...
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

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Parking
 Click here

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Unlucky Burglar
 Click here

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Christmas Lunch with the Family
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Merry Christmas
 Click here

I note that Myer/David Jones' have replaced "Christmas" with "Holiday" and
"Giving" with that execrable Americanism "Gifting"; the phrase that results
makes no sense;

The word "Holiday", derived from "Holy Day", may be offensive to atheists
who do not support religion and its Holy Days.  :-)

I will continue to wish all a
Merry Christmas.

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Senior Love.......
 Click here

Senior Love.......
I was in my back yard trying to launch a kite.
I threw the kite up in the air, the wind would catch it for a few Seconds,
then it would come crashing back down to earth.
I tried this a few more times with no success.

All the while, my wife Vicki is watching from the kitchen window, Muttering
to herself how men need to be told how to do everything.

She opens the window and yelled to me, 'You need a piece of tail.'

I turned with a confused look on my face and yelled back, 'Make up your
mind. Last night , you told me to go fly a kite.

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Merry Christmas
 Click here

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Difficult Economic Times
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News from the North Pole:
It has been reported that due to the negative impact the slow recovery has
had on economies all over the world, this Christmas, Santa Claus will have
only two elves not three as is the custom. Additionally, it was reported,
that if the recovery continues at its current slow rate, in 2017Santa might
have to do with only one.
Merry Christmas !!!

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Don't Touch
 Click here

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Links & Photos
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

Cop helps Student with Tie
 Click here

Change for a Dollar
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Take Me Home Country Roads (Playing for Change)
 Click here

North Korean Military
 Click here

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Milk for Orphans
 Click here

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Invisible Dog on a Leash
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

Credit for its invention goes to David Walker, who in addition to being a
mind-reader and carnival pitchman was a prolific inventor of weird, useless
stuff. He first got wealthy selling plastic spheres attached to a string
which made a clacking sound when knocked together. The invisible dog came
along, when a fellow novelty dealer stuck with 5,000 broken child-sized
rodeo whips, asked Walker if he could think of any use for them. Walker
stopped long enough to attach a tiny dog harness, to a whip's stiff handle.
Two million were sold, 300,000 by Walker, and the rest by imitators. But
the real money-maker for Walker was his later invention of metallic
balloons, which soon became more popular than everyday rubber balloons.
Although, again, imitators eventually ended up making more money from them,
than he did.

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Links & Photos
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here

2016 Best of the Web
 Click here

31 Photos of Israel
 Click here

11,000 Penguins fight 4,000 Santas
 Click here

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Big Ben
 Click here

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Galileo's Hypothesis Proved
 Click here

Galileo in the 15th century, discovered that any object falling to earth,
falls at the same rate of time . He mentioned that a cannonball and a
feather, if dropped from the same height will touch the ground at the same
time provided there is no air resistance. He had difficulty explaining it
for quite a long time. 4 centuries later with the current Technology it has
been experimentally demonstrated. Its is a great visual treat to watch

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BLIND DATE [French Version]
 Click here

It has English sub-titles, and a great ending (spoiler)
Conversation in French but no translation required.

Winners are grinners !
 target=_blank>Click here

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Today's Lessond
File links:
 Click here Click here

Everyone seems to be wondering why Muslim
Terrorists are so quick to commit suicide.
Lets have a look at the evidence:
- No Christmas - No television -No nude women - No football - No pork chops
- No hot dogs - No burgers - No beer - No bacon - Rags for clothes - Towels
for hats - Constant wailing from some idiot in a tower - More than one wife
- More than one mother in law - You can't shave - Your wife can't shave -
You can't wash off the smell of donkey - You cook over burning camel sh*t -
Your wife is picked by someone else for you - and your wife smells worse
than your donkey
Then they tell you that "when you die, it all gets better"??
Well no sh*t Sherlock!....
It's not like it could get much worse

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See you in 2017

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[ End friday humour ]

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