Friday humour - December 23, 2016

Bit of a glitch in the system this week, so a truncated offering for
Christmas (boldly non-PC) sadly. I hope yule be understanding.

Have a good one.

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It's all about " grammar and punctuation " .....

Once there were 3 sisters - Ann, Jan and F*nny.   All 3 had big feet.

Ann was a size 9, Jan was a size 10 and F*nny was a size 13.

Ann and Jan went on a double date.

Amazed, one of the boys said,  - "God, you two have  big feet."

Ann replied, "You think they're big, you should see our F*nny's,...

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Back in the mid 60's when I was working on the Southern Region of BR, the
following story was told, the teller swearing it was true:
There was a period of strikes and go slows, just like Southern Rail
today.When coming off a commuter train that had arrived late again in
Charing Cross, a very irate woman passenger approached the driver just as
he was stepping onto the platform from his cab. Belaying him about the head
with her brolley, she said loudly and to the astonishment of fellow
passengers passing by,'You bastard!!'. At which, he put his arms round her
and said loudly, 'Mother! I've found you at last!'.If it isn't true, it
ought to be!

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There are a few gems on this site.

 Click here
0

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THE OUT HOUSE

For many years they had the pan it really served them well
But the son had never liked the thing he couldn't stand the smell.
We should put one inside the house ! he muttered every other day
On those cold nights in winter it would really pay it's way.

But his dad would never waver so he then hatched up a plan
I'll blow the bloody dunny up and along with it the pan.
So later on that evening he laid the dynamite
Then hid behind a log and rubbed his hands with sheer delight.

Just then from out the back door his dad burst at a full run
Caught short while in the kitchen, oh it really wasn't fun.
The son he tried to warm him that the fuse was on the go
But dad was just to far away, he didn't want to know.

The out house door slammed shut behind as dad now sought relief
The son he found some cover quick and thought about his grief.
Well the blast was quite horrendous for it shook the ground around
Dad staggered from the rubble but then quickly went to ground.

At his side his son was fast to be he nursed his fathers head
He surely thought that such a blast would find his old man dead.
But his fathers eyes were open though his look was most forlorn
His son then sighed in pure relief he would not have to mourn.

Are you ok dad ? he enquired, please say something to me
I need to know that your ok a spark of life to see.
I'm ok son his dad replied although I've hurt me head
But if I'd dropped that in the kitchen son we'd all be bloody dead.

BOB PACEY
21/8/98

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Saying goodbye

We were dressed, and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party.
We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our
pet parakeet, and put the cat in the backyard.

We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi.
The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house.

As we walked out the door, the cat we had put out in the yard, scoots back
into the house.
We didn't want the cat shut in the house.
Because she always tries to eat the bird.

My wife goes on out to the taxi, while I went back inside to get the cat.
The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit.
Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house
will be empty for the night. So, she explains to the taxi driver that I
will be out soon, 'He's just going upstairs to say Goodbye to my mother.'

A few minutes later, I get into the cab. 'Sorry I took so long,' I said, as
we drove away. 'That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed.
I had to poke her ass with a coat hanger to get her to come out!
She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck.
Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me.
But it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the
back yard!'

The cab driver hit a parked car.

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FIRST CHRISTMAS JOKE

The Teacher asked young Patrick Murphy:
"What do you do at Christmas time?"
Patrick addressed the class: "Well Miss Jones, me and my twelve brothers
and sisters go to midnight mass and we sing hymns; then we come home very
late and we put mince pies by the   back door and hang up our stockings.
Then all excited, we go to bed and wait for Father Christmas to come with
all our toys."
"Very nice Patrick," she said.
"Now Jimmy Brown, what do you do at Christmas?"
"Well, Miss Jones, me and my sister also go to church with Mum and
Dad and we sing carols and we get home ever so late.
We put cookies and milk by the chimney and we hang up our stockings.
We hardly sleep, waiting for Santa Claus to bring our presents."
Realising there was a Jewish boy in the class and not wanting to leave him
out of the discussion, she asked, "Now Isaac Cohen, what do you do at 
Christmas?"
Isaac said, "Well, it's the same thing every year ..
. . Dad comes home from the office, we  all pile into the Rolls Royce; then
we drive to Dad's toy factory. When we get inside, we look at all the empty
shelves . . . and begin to sing: 'What A
Friend We Have in Jesus'.  Then we all go to the Bahamas."

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Bar Room Signs

  Fighting for peace is like
  screwing for virginity.
  The Bayou
  Baton Rouge , LA

  No matter how good she looks,
  some other guy is sick and tired
  of putting up with her sh*t.
  Men' s Room Linda's Bar and Grill
  Chapel Hill, NC

  It's hard to make a comeback
  when you haven't been anywhere.
  Written in the dust on the back of a bus
  Wickenburg , AZ

  Make love, not war.
  Hell, do both...
  GET MARRIED!
  Women's restroom
  The Filling Station, Bozeman , MT

  If voting could really change things,
  it would be illegal.
  Revolution Books
  New York , New York

  If pro is opposite of con,
  Then  what is the opposite of progress?
  Congress!
  Men's restroom House of Representatives,
  Washington , DC

  Express Lane:
  Five beers or less.
  Sign over one of the urinals
  Ed Debevic's, Phoenix , AZ

  You're too good for him..
  Sign over mirror in Women's restroom
  Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills , CA

  No wonder you always go home alone.
  Sign over mirror in Men's restroom,
  Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills , CA

  A Woman's Rule of Thumb:
  If it has tires or testicles,
  you're going to have trouble with it.
  Women's restroom
  D*ck's Last Resort, Dallas , TX
  0A

  HAPPINESS
  To be happy with a man,
  you must understand him a lot
  and love him a little.
  To be happy with a woman,
  you must love her a lot and
  not try to understand her at all.

  LONGEVITY
  Married men live longer than single men do,
  but married men are a lot more willing to die...

  HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING
  YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED
  Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings,
  poking me in the ribs and cackling,
  telling me, "You're next."
  They stopped after I started doing the
  same thing to them at funerals.

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A Lawyer And A Senior

A lawyer and a senior citizen are sitting next to each other on a long
flight.

The lawyer is thinking that seniors are so dumb that he could get one over
on them easily.

So, the lawyer asks if the senior would like to play a fun game.

The senior is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines
and tries to catch a few winks

The lawyer persists, saying that the game is a lot of fun..."I ask you a
question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5.00. Then you
ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00," he
says.

This catches the senior's attention and, to keep the lawyer quiet, he
agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the Earth to
the Moon?"

The senior doesn't say a word, but reaches into his pocket, pulls out a
five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it's the senior's turn. He asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with
three legs, and comes down with four?"

The lawyer uses his laptop to search all references he can find on the Net.

He sends E-mails to all the smart friends he knows; all to no avail. After
an hour of searching, he finally gives up.

He wakes the senior and hands him $500.00. The senior pockets the $500.00
and goes right back to sleep.

The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the senior up and
asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with
four?"

The senior reaches into his pocket, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back
to sleep.

You know you're going to send this one on.
Don't mess with old farts!

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TODAY - 20th December, 1821

The state of Missouri, USA, applied a yearly $1 tax on all unmarried men.

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First President Trump Joke

A large earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale hit the
Middle East Two million Muslims died and over a million were injured.
Iraq, Iran and Syria were totally ruined and the governments asked for help
to rebuild.
The rest of the world was in shock.
Great Britain sent troops to help keep the peace. Saudi Arabia sent oil and
monetary assistance.
Latin American countries sent clothing. New Zealand and Australia sent
sheep, cattle and food crops.
The Asian countries sent labor to assist in rebuilding the infrastructure.
Canada sent medical teams and supplies.
The new American President Donald Trump, not to be outdone, sent two
million replacement Muslims.

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This may amaze you. read carefully.

 Click here
/7778954

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Ho Ho Ho
 Click here

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Seasonal Greetings
 Click here

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Unusual Monument
 Click here Click here
Unveiled in June 2008 to worldwide attention, the Russian spa Mashuk
Aqua-Therm is home to the only monument commemorating enemas in the world.

The 770-pound bronze statue stands nearly five feet tall and was created by
a local regional artist named Svetlana Avakova.

Drawing inspiration from a Botticelli painting entitled "Venus and Mars,"
which shows cherubs stealing the God of War's weapon, the artist fashioned
a large bronze bulb held aloft by three cherubs as the motif for the spa.

The choice to commemorate such an unusual medical procedure stems from the
region in which the spa lies. Known for the many mineral springs in the
area, spas such as Mashuk have long been a destination for Russians seeking
rest and cures for various ailments in the healing waters.

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Wind Turbines.....
 Click here
I Knew Wind Turbines Would Be A Problem!!

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What - 20 C looks like in Canada
 Click here

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Australian Telephone Operator:  "G'day mate .... Helpline here ..... 
What's the problem?"

Caller:  "I'm in the Outback with the girlfriend, and she's been stung on
her thigh by a bee, and now her vagina has completely closed up!"

Australian Telephone Operator: "Bummer!"

Caller:  "Great advice!

Thanks mate, bye.

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Parking Fine
 Click here

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When Cricket was worth Watching [XXX]
 Click here

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[ End friday humour ]

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