Friday humour - December 16, 2016

 From Burnout @ Bluehaze:


From: Nottingham Smithie - (See page bottom -  ED).
Subject:  A great brain teaser

I thought you might like to put your brains to work on this little

Apparently it is a possible question put to applicants for jobs at GCHQ.

There follows some examples and then the question.

Have fun

355 = 524
1235 = 2521
1143 = 17212
850 = ?


From: Anonymous3
Subject: Work History

My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned -
couldnt concentrate.
Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldnt hack it, so
they gave me the axe.
Next I tried working in a muffler factory but that was exhausting.
I wanted to be a barber, but I just couldnt cut it.
Then I tried to be a chef—figured it would add a little spice to my
life but I just didnt have the thyme.
I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I. couldnt cut
the mustard.
My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasnt
I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didnt have any patience.
Thought about becoming a witch, so I tried that for a spell.
I got a job at a zoo feeding giraffes but I was fired because I wasnt up to
So then I got a job in a fitness center, but they said I wasnt fit for the
Next, I found being an electrician interesting, but the work was shocking
and I was discharged.
After many years of trying to find steady work I finally got a job as a
historian until I realised there was no future in it.
My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was
always the same old grind.
So I retired and I found Im a perfect fit for this job.

Subject: Science

I called an old school friend and asked what was he doing. He replied that
he is working on "Aqua-thermal treatment of ceramics, aluminium and steel
under a constrained environment".

I was impressed......

On further enquiring I learned that he was washing dishes with hot water
.......Under his wife's supervision.

Subject: Airplane announcement

Shortly after a British Airways flight had reached its cruising altitude,
the captain announced,

"Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your captain.  Welcome to Flight 293,
non-stop from London Heathrow to New York .

The weather ahead is good, so we should have an uneventful flight. So, sit
back, relax, and . . . OH . . . MY GOD!"

Silence followed......................

Some moments later, the captain came back on the intercom.

"Ladies and Gentlemen, I'm sorry if I scared you. While I was talking to
you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled coffee in my lap.  You should
see the front of my pants!"

 From the back of the plane, an Irish passenger yelled:

  "For the luvva Jaysus, you should see the back of mine!”

Subject: 3200 YEARS IN ONE PHOTO

Amazingly awesome to think of the life of this tree! Thank God no loggers
took it down
Nor forest fires, nor earthquakes. Just a quiet life in a California forest
for all these years.

3200 Years in One Photo
 Click here

Not every tree has a nickname, but 'The President' has earned it.

This giant sequoia stands at 247 feet  tall & is estimated to be over 3,200 years
Old. Imagine, this tree was already 1200 years old when Jesus walked the earth.
 Click here

The trunk of The President measures at 27 feet across, with 2 BILLION
needles  From base to top.
 Click here

Because of its unbelievable size, this tree has never been photographed in its
entirety, until now. National Geographic photographers have worked along with

Scientists to try and create the first photo that shows the President in
all its glory.
 Click here

They had to Climb the tree with pulleys and levers, and took thousands of
Photos. Of those, they selected 126 and stitched them together,
To get this incredible portrait of the President.

And here it is:
 Click here

The man standing near the trunk of the tree is a good indicator of the
tree's size.

Incredible, isn't it?


From: Billy Bunter of Adelaide
Subject: Squirrel problem

There were four churches and a synagogue in a small town: a Presbyterian
church, a Baptist church, a Methodist church, a Catholic church, and a
synagogue. Each church and the synagogue had a problem with squirrels.

The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their
squirrels. After much prayer and consideration, they concluded the
squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with
God's divine will.

At the Baptist church the squirrels had taken an interest in the
baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a water slide on the
baptistery and let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels liked the
slide and, unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim so twice as many
squirrels showed up the following week.

The Methodist church decided that they were not in a position to harm any
of God's creatures. So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them
free near the Baptist Church. Two weeks later the squirrels were back when
the Baptists took down the water slide.

But the Catholic Church came up with a very creative strategy. They
baptized all the squirrels and consecrated them as members of the church.
Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.

Not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue; they took the first squirrel
and circ*mcised him. They haven't seen a squirrel since.


From: Duke of Barsinov
Subject: Lubricant

Murphy's' old lady had been pregnant for some time and now the time had
He brought her to the doctor and the doctor began to deliver the baby.
She had a little boy, and the doctor looked over at Murphy and said. 'Hey,
Murph! You just had you a son,!'Ain't dat grand, !!' Murphy got excited by
this, but just then the doctor spoke up and said, 'Hold on! We ain't
finished yet, !'The doctor then delivered a little girl.
He said, 'Hey, Murph! You got you a daughter, !!!! She is a pretty lil
ting, too....'Murphy got kind of puzzled by this and then the doctor said,
'Hold on, we aint got done yet, !'
The doctor then delivered another boy and said, Murph, you just had
yourself another boy, !'Murphy said to the doctor, 'Doc, what caused all of
dem babies,?'The doctor said, 'You never know Murph, it was probably
something that happened during conception.'Murphy said, 'Ah yeah, during
conception.'When Murph and his wife went home with their three children, he
sat down with his wife and said,'Mama, you remember dat night that we ran
out of Vaseline and we had to use dat dere 3-in-1 Oil.'She said, 'Yeah, I
remember dat night...'Murph said, 'I'll tell you,'s a f”
kin' good ting we didn't use WD-40.


From: JC
Subject: Moral of the story

This is hilarious!!!!!!! Had to pass this on¡­¡­.

Have a great day!!!

My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we
decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me. It
was her beautiful younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was
twenty-two, wore very tight mini skirts, and generally was bra-less.

One day 'little sister' called and asked me to come over to check the
wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me
that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She
told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married
and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock, and
couldn't say a word. She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if
you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.'
I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When
she reached the top she pulled off her panties and threw them down the
stairs at me.

I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the
front door. I opened the door, and quickly headed straight towards my car.

Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!
With tears in his eyes, my future father-in-law hugged me and said, we are
very happy that you have passed our little test... we couldn't ask for a
better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.'

And the moral of this story is:  *Always keep your condoms in your car.*


From: Nottingham Smithie
Subject: I'm glad it is not only me who has bad days
 Click here


From: Sack
Subject:   A CANADIAN

I am Quite sure this a story made up on the way Canadians feel about the
(Mexicans) just south of their border


   News Update from Canada

   The flood of Trump-fearing American liberals sneaking across the border
into Canada has intensified in the past week. The Republican presidential
campaign is prompting an exodus among left-leaning Americans who fear
they'll soon be required to hunt, pray, pay taxes, and live according to
the Constitution.

   Canadian border residents say it's not uncommon to see dozens of
sociology professors, liberal arts majors, global-warming activists, and
"green" energy proponents crossing their fields at night.

   "I went out to milk the cows the other day, and there was a Hollywood
producer huddled in the barn," said southern Manitoba farmer Red
Greenfield, whose acreage borders North Dakota.   "He was cold, exhausted
and hungry, and begged me for a latte and some free-range chicken.  When I
said I didn't have any, he left before I even got a chance to show him my
screenplay, eh?"

   In an effort to stop the illegal aliens, Greenfield erected higher
fences, but the liberals scaled them. He then installed loudspeakers that
blared Rush Limbaugh across the fields, but they just stuck their fingers
in their ears and kept coming. Officials are particularly concerned about
smugglers who meet liberals just south of the border, pack them into
electric cars, and drive them across the border, where they are simply left
to fend for themselves after the battery dies.

   "A lot of these people are not prepared for our rugged conditions," an
Alberta border patrolman said. "I found one carload without a single bottle
of Perrier water, or any gemelli with shrimp and arugula. All they had was
a nice little Napa Valley cabernet and some kale chips.  When liberals are
caught, they're sent back across the border, often wailing that they fear
persecution from Trump high-hairers.

   Rumors are circulating about plans being made to build re-education
camps where liberals will be forced to drink domestic beer, study the
Constitution, and find jobs that actually contribute to the economy.

   In recent days, liberals have turned to ingenious ways of crossing the
border. Some have been disguised as senior citizens taking a bus trip to
buy cheap Canadian prescription drugs. After catching a half-dozen young
vegans in blue-hair wig disguises, Canadian immigration authorities began
stopping buses and quizzing the supposed senior citizens about Perry Como
and Rosemary Clooney to prove that they were alive in the '50s.

   "If they can't identify the accordion player on The Lawrence Welk Show,
we become very suspicious about their age," an official said.

   Canadian citizens have complained that the illegal immigrants are
creating an organic-broccoli shortage, are buying up all the Barbara
Streisand CD's, and are overloading the internet while downloading
jazzercise apps to their cell phones.

   "I really feel sorry for American liberals, but the Canadian economy
just can't support them," an Ottawa resident said.  "After all, how many
art-history majors does one country need?


From: Seasoldier
Subject: And In the Retirement Home........

   Two elderly residents, a man and a woman, were sitting alone in the
lobby of their nursing home one evening. The old man looked over and said
to the old lady, "I know just what you're wanting. For $5.00 I'll have s*x
with you right over there in that rocking chair."

   The old lady looked surprised but didn't say a word.

   The old man continued, "For $10 I'll do it with you on that nice soft
sofa over there, but for $20 I'll take you back to my room, light some
candles, and give you the most romantic evening you've ever had in your

   The old lady still says nothing but, after a couple minutes, starts
digging down in her purse. She pulls out a wrinkled $20 bill and holds it

   "So you want the nice romantic evening in my room," says the old man.

   "Get serious" she replies. "Four times in the rocking chair!"


From: Wally
Subject: Bears

Samsung Bear -
 Click here

Counting Bears -
 Click here

Subject: Not Happy with Australia
 Click here


From: Whizzbang
Subject:  Funnies

Herm is 85 years old and retired. He gets a check-up with his doctor. A
week or so afterward the doc sees Herm strolling the boardwalk with his arm
around a beautiful, comely young female.

The doctor stops him and asks, Herm, you must be feeling terrific, yes?
Herman says, Just following orders, Doc. You told me to get a hot mama and
be cheerful."

The physician exclaims, Herm, that's not what I told you! I said, You got a
heart murmur. Be careful.

Myra Rhodes, a little old lady living in Eagles Nest, NSW, answered a knock
on the door one day, to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying
a vacuum cleaner.

Good morning, Ma'am, said the young man. If I could take a couple minutes
of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered
vacuum cleaners.

Go away! said Myra brusquely. I'm broke and haven't got any money. And she
proceeded to close the door.

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it
wide open. Don't be too hasty, he commanded. Not until you have at least
seen my demonstration. And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure
onto her hallway carpet.

Now, if this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure
from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder.
Myra stepped back and said with a smile, Well, let me get you a spoon,
young man because they cut off my electricity this morning.


From: Whizzbang
Subject:  The Little Toothbrush Salesman

The kids filed into class Monday morning. They were all very excited. 
Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on

Little Sally led off.  "I sold Girl Scout cookies and I made $30" she said
proudly.  "My  sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit
and I credit that approach for my obvious success."

"Very good", said the teacher.

Little Debbie was next. "I sold magazines" she said.  "I  made $45 and I
explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events."

"Very good, Debbie", said the teacher.

Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn.  The teacher held her breath. 
Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of
cash on the teacher's desk.  "$2,467," he said.

"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?" 
"Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.  "Toothbrushes," echoed the teacher. 
"How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"

"I found the busiest corner in town", said Little Johnny.  "I set up a Dip
& Chip stand and I gave everybody who walked by a free sample."  They all
said the same thing; "Hey, this tastes like dog poop!"  I would say, 'It is
dog poop.  Wanna buy a toothbrush?'

"I used a politician's method of giving you some cr*p, dressing it up so it
looks good, telling you it's free and then making you pay to get the bad
taste out of your mouth."

Little Johnny got five stars for his assignment.

Bless his little heart!


From: Anonymous3
Subject: How An Unexpected Friendship With A Wolf Transformed A Whole Town
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

Despite their beauty and their obvious similarities with our considerably
tamer canine companions, everyone knows not to play with wolves. So when
wildlife photographer Nick Jans and his Labrador encountered a wild wolf
behind their home, adrenaline started pumping through them both.

When the wolf approached the Labrador, Nick could only stand helplessly by
and watch. But what he didn't know then, on that cold winter day of 2003
was that that encounter was the beginning of a relationship that defied all
logic - and fundamentally transformed an entire community. During the
winter of 2003, a jet-black wolf showed up on the edge of suburban Juneau,
But this wolf didn't bear his teeth and growl aggressively. Instead, it
seemed to long for companionship. Wildlife photographer Nick Jans was on
his back porch when he saw the wolf for the first time. Despite the danger,
Nick's Labrador went to meet the visitor.

National Geographic.

Nick, who had photographed and tracked wolves for years, immediately knew
that the wolf was wild. So he was shocked when his Labrador suddenly
started to play with him. He hurriedly grabbed his camera, and began to
capture the unexpected moment.

National Geographic.

After a while, the wolf returned into the wilderness, but it wasn't long
before he returned. The wolf would come to Nick's house to greet him often
and sometimes it even followed Nick when the photographer went skiing. And
the wolf was always gentle, says Nick.

"This wolf was downright relaxed and tolerant from the start, as if he had
dropped out of the sky like a unicorn," the photographer told
 Click here

National Geographic.

Years passed and Nick spent much time doc*menting the wolf. He eventually
named the wolf Romeo. At first, many of the small town's residents didn't
trust Romeo, but they soon realized that he was a wolf unlike any other.

National Geographic.

Romeo soon became known by everyone in the area. People took their dogs to
Mendenhall Glacier Park so their dogs could meet Romeo. There were never
any serious incidents.

National Geographic.

"The wolf would bring out toys that he'd stashed. One was a Styrofoam
Romeo would pick it up and bring it to [my friend] Harry to throw. He
clearly understood the same sort of behaviors that we see in dogs,"
 Click here
Nick said.

National Geographic.

"The amazing thing was Romeo's understanding. It wasn't just our
understanding and tolerance. It was the combination of his and ours and the
dogs. We were these three species working out how to get along
And we did," said Nick.

National Geographic.

Romeo lived on the outskirts of Juneau for six years. He became an
ambassador for nature and a powerful symbol for the entire community.

National Geographic.

"He was a pure wild wolf. He was not a pet, as some suggested, that had
been released, because then he would have been coming to us for food. He
was his own gatekeeper and came and went as he pleased. Sometimes he
disappeared for weeks. He clearly was catching and eating wild food with
great skill," explained Nick.

National Geographic.

After six years, Romeo's time in the community ended. He passed away in
2010, but residents will never forget how he transformed the village.
"The average life span of a wolf in the wild is three years. Romeo was
already full grown when he showed up, and then he lived among us for
six-plus more years. So he was at least eight years old at the time of his
death," Nick says.

National Geographic.

Shortly after Romeo passed away, the city of Juneau commemorated the wolf,
creating a special plaque to honor him. The plaque is installed by the lake
he used to frequent. What a beautiful touch!

National Geographic.

That three such different species were able to live alongside peacefully
and in complete harmony is so inspiring. It really shows you how wonderful
the world and nature can be!


From: JC
Subject: Bullsh*t Asymmetry Principle (or JC goes Scientific - ED)
 Click here

Have a read of this link in Nature re Brandolini¡¯s law (also known as
the Bullsh*t Asymmetry Principle), and see the slide below. Would it fit in
 Click here


From: Sack
Subject:  : Smith and Wesson
 Click here

When my friend goes to her ATM, or anywhere else alone,  she always takes
along her Smith & Wesson.
She has never had any problems with muggers, rapists, panhandlers, wise
asses, street punks, or attorneys.

Smith is the one on the left . . . . .


From: Sack
Subject:How Art should feel.
 Click here

OOPS !!!!!

Subject: Hospital Xmas Decorations

Medical Staff Are Very Creative People .

Babies Born In The Festive Period Are Wrapped Up In Christmas Stockings
 Click here

This Hospital Knows How To Be Festive
 Click here

You Know You Work In A Hospital, When The Christmas Decorations Look Like
 Click here

Hospital Decor
 Click here

Haematology Christmas Tree
 Click here

Condom Christmas Tree! Don't Forget To Use One....
 Click here

Wreath Made Of Pee Jars
 Click here

Hospital Christmas
 Click here

Christmassy Skeleton Named ‘Mal Nutrition’
 Click here

Subject:   The Human Brain.
 Click here

     Worth a rerun!
     The Human Brain. (THIS IS AWESOME).

Subject: Special Xmas Tree
 Click here

Just bought my Christmas Tree from the market and the man said if I gave it
 plenty of light and water he would even come and take it away for me come

What a fantastic deal and what a nice young upright gentleman he was!


Subject: To Make You Smile Today
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

   The most famous artist for this type of saucy postcards was Donald

  He was nearly 80 years old when he was put on trial (1954) under the
Obscene Publications Act, found guilty and fined.

   Today the postcards are worth a fortune.

Subject:   Putin Trumped....
Why Putin envies Trump
 Click here


From: Seasoldier
Subject: Memorable Magic Moments

   Debbie and Larry were in a busy shopping center just before Christmas. 
Debbie suddenly noticed that Larry was missing, and as they had a lot to
do, so she called him on the mobile.

   Debbie said, "Where are you, you know we have lots to do."

   Larry said "You remember the jewellers we went into about 10 years ago,
and you fell in love with that diamond necklace?  I could not afford it at
the time, and I said that one day I would get it for you?"

   Little tears started to flow down Debbie's cheek and she got all choked
       "Yes, I do remember that shop." she replied.

   "Well I am in the gun shop next door to that."

Subject: Fw: Fw: Nothing left to live for...
 Click here

Subject: My new girlfriend from Kosova
 Click here

Lord tunderin geezus. shidt,     Fasten your seat belt, turn up the volume,

Subject: "ARE YOU A VET?"
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here

     Here is a great story without a word being said, apart from the very




Due to his selfless heroic act, I ASKED, "ARE YOU A VET?"


"VET? I'M F*cking SOAKED!"

Subject: Dentistry
 Click here


From: Wally
Subject: Ikea Excuse
 Click here Click here

Subject: Links & Photos
File links:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

Links & Photos

Welcome Aboard Trump Flight 1600
 Click here

Think About It  Part 1
 Click here

Think About It  Part 2
 Click here

Subject: Find My Truck
 Click here

Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come

Sheriff: Height ?

Husband: Im not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

Sheriff: Weight ?

Husband: Dont know. Not slim, not really fat.

Sheriff: Colour of eyes ?

Husband: Sort of brown I think. Never really noticed.

Sheriff: Colour of hair ?

Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown now. I cant

Sheriff: What was she wearing ?

Husband: Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I dont know

Sheriff: What kind of car did she go in ?

Husband: She went in my truck.

Sheriff: What kind of truck was it ?

Husband : A 2016 pearl white Ram Limited 4X4 with 6.4l Hemi V8 engine
ordered with the Ram Box bar and fridge option, led lighting, back up and
front camera, Moose hide leather heated and cooled seats, climate
controlled air conditioning. It has a custom matching white cover for the
bed, Weather Tech floor mats. Trailing package with gold hitch, sunroof,
DVD with full GPS navigation, satellite radio, Cobra 75 WX ST 40-channel CB
radio, six cup holders, 3 USB port, and 4 power outlets. I added special
alloy wheels and off-road Toyo tires. It has custom retracting running
boards and under-glow wheel well lighting .......... At this point the
husband started choking up.

Sheriff: Take it easy sir, well find your truck!!!

Subject: Hillbilly Birth
 Click here

Deep in the back woods of Kentucky. a hillbillys wife went into labour in
the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the

Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father to be, a
lantern and said Here hold this high so I can see what I am doing

Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world.  Whoa there !said the doctor
Dont be in such a rush to put that lantern down, I think theres another one

Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl. Hold that lantern
up, dont set it down theres another one  said the doc.

Within a few  minutes he had delivered a third baby, No dont put it down,
it seems theres another one coming

The redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor  You
reckon it might be the light thats attracting em.

Subject: Chariots of Fire
 Click here


From: Whizzbang
Subject:  Must Read - Very Interesting ...
 Click here


From: Whizzbang
Subject: Carpool in Rusland
 Click here

De groeten van Rietje en Dre


For those of you who have read this weeks contributions right down to this
point here is  how you  solve the problem  from Nottingham Smithie's
contribution at the top of the page:
Best way to solve it is to forget about numbers and letters and counting.
Adults don't think laterally which is one of the skills that GCHQ look for,
'Thinking outside the box' is what its called.

The solution is so easy you'll kick yourself.  Think of time pieces to
start with.  The first number 355 is the time (3.55) the second is the way
we say it.  5 2 4   The rest become self explanatory.


Quote of the Week:

Freedom is never won, it is given.

  - A Phillip Randolf.


[ End friday humour ]

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