Friday humour - November 25, 2016

Friday Humour

A day without laughter is a day wasted.- Charlie Chaplin

This week's Friday Humour is brought to you by: Anonymous3, Arfermo,
Burnout, Sack, Seasoldier, Wally, Whizzbang, DigiSteve and last but not
least, Duke of Barsinov.

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Where do you find a turtle with no legs?...right where you left it.

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My ex-girlfriend is standing at the opposite end of the museum from me!

I want to say hello but there's just too much history between us.

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You can always tell if a man masturbates a lot just by looking at his
hands.

If you look closely, you'll see a wedding ring.

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My parents admitted that the night I was concieved they were p*ssed on
cheap
Australian lager.

Not nice finding out you're a Fosters child.

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Historical Photos In Color II
 Click here

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Band age

This has to be the strangest, funniest and most unique brass band you will
ever see. Prepare to be amazed that they not only can perform this act, but
the fact they even thought of it. Check the guy's expression.
 Click here

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Laugh for the day!

LITTLE JOHNNY.................

Little Johnny was in the classroom bored to death on a Friday afternoon,
and the teacher decided to have a game for the kids to get them thinking.

"Okay class, now, I'm going to say a famous quote, and the first person to
tell me who said that quote, can have Monday off." said the teacher.

"Who is credited with writing the phrase, 'To be or not to be, that is the
question?'," asked the teacher.

Little Pham Nguyen at the front of the class called out, 'Shakespeare.'

'Well done!,' said the teacher, 'You can have Monday off."

'No thank you Miss. I am of Vietnamese origin and it is in our culture to
study as hard as we can, so I  will be here on Monday studying hard.' said
Little Pham Lam Nguyen.

'Well okay,' said the teacher, 'The next quote is, "I had a dream!"

Little Fy Sum Kat also at the front yelled out, "I believe it was Martin
Luther King!"

"Well done!" said the teacher, 'You can have Monday off."

"No thank you miss. I am of Chinese origin and we also do not take time off
school. Education is everything to us, so I will be in on Monday studying
hard too," said little Fy Sum Kat.

'Okay,' said the teacher.

Then, she heard a voice from the back of the classroom, "F***ing
Immigrants!"

"Who said that?" yelled the teacher in an angry tone.

Little Johnny yelled, "Donald Trump! See ya on Tuesday!!!!"

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The blonde

A young ventriloquist is touring and at one of his shows, with his dummy on
his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.

Suddenly a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts
shouting, "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes.

What makes you think you can stereotype blonde women that way?

It's men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and
in the community.

It's people like you that make others think that all blondes are dumb! You
and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against blondes, all in
the name of humor!"

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells:

"You stay out of this! ......I'm talking to that little sh*t on your lap."

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Golf on Fridays

After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling.
When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade  listing every
problem they had ever had in the years they had been married.
On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling
unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had
endured.
Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist
got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he
embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched - with
a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down in a daze.
The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs
at least 3 times a week.  Can you do  this?"
"Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays,......But I Golf
on
Fridays.

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ANDY ROONEY ON S*X!

1. When I was born, I was given a choice - a big pecker or a good memory...
I don't remember what I chose.

2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.

3. A wife is a s*x object. Every time you ask for s*x, she objects.

4. Impotence: nature's way of saying, "No hard feelings..."

5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - 'don't'
and 'stop', unless they are used together.

6. Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.

7. There are three stages in a man's life: Tri-Weekly, Try Weekly and Try
Weakly.

8. Virginity can be cured.

9. Virginity is not dignity, it's lack of opportunity.

10. Having s*x is like playing bridge - if you don't have a good partner,
you better have a good hand.

11. I tried phone s*x once, but the holes in the dial were too small.

12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.

13. Question: What's an Australian kiss?
Answer: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.

14. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy
with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing.

15. Question: What are the three biggest tragedies in a man's life?
Answer: Life sucks, job sucks and the wife doesn't.

16. Question: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Answer: Breasts don't have eyes.

17. Despite the old saying, 'Don't take your troubles to bed', many men
still sleep with their wives!

Send to the men who need a laugh and the women with a good sense of humor

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Catches Win Matches
 Click here

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Dangerous fish

Think very hard before you buy fish in the shop.

The same of similar valid for Kambodgia, China (even worse), Malay, etc.

Who needs war? Asians will kill us within 50 years and we buy the bullets
because our greed for profits. Radovan.

I can't imagine any of you buying Asian fish. However, be that as it may
fish from fish farms in

Vietnam and other Asian countries are being exported to many Western
countries, including of

Course Australia and the U.S.A. Have you eaten fish and chips lately from
your local shop?

After seeing this video you will think thrice about ever buying or
consuming any such imported fish.

Don't eat this fish , also served in batter in fish shops

We usually know this as Basa fish , packaged in 1 kg fillet packs..Market
prices are from $2.99 kg.
So called "trusted" supermarts sell this at double the above price. All the
same product .....tried it?
A tasteless fish that needs much seasoning to make it attractive.

This will put you off buying or eating fish on our supermarket shelves that
have been imported from Asian Countries.
Coles and Woolies will of course have this nicely presented on ice, with
all the other fish varieties.....priced at $7 or $8 kilo.
Made to appear pretty reasonable against the other fresh stuff at anything
up to $25 kilo.

See this to stay healthy. Please don't pass this one by. Click on the link
below.

A 4-minute video showing how your fish is prepared:
 Click here

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No subtitles required!
 Click here

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Concrete
 Click here

This how to do it

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HRH & 007
 Click here

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Enjoy
 Click here

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BEAR HUNTING

He travelled up to Alaska, spotted a small brown bear and shot it.

Soon after there was a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to see a
big black bear. The black bear said:

"That was a very bad mistake. That was my cousin. I'm going to give you two
choices. Either I maul you to death or we have s*x."

After considering briefly, Frank decided to accept the latter alternative.
So the black bear had his way with Frank.

Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed
revenge.

He headed out on another trip to Alaska where he found the black bear and
shot it dead.

Right after, there was another tap on his shoulder.This time a huge grizzly
bear stood right next to him. The grizzly said:

"That was a big mistake, Frank.That was my cousin and you've got two
choices, either I maul you to death or we have 'rough s*x.'"

Again, Frank thought it was better to cooperate with the grizzly bear than
be mauled to death. So the grizzly had his way with Frank.

Although he survived, it took several months before Frank fully recovered.

Now Frank was completely outraged, so he headed back to Alaska and managed
to track down the grizzly bear and shot it.

He felt sweet revenge, but then, moments later, there was a tap on is his
shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear

standing there. The polar bear looked at him and said:

"Admit it Frank, you don't really come here for the hunting, do you?"

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Eating in the 50s
 Click here Click here

Oh, how  things  have  changed!

Pasta was not eaten in Australia.

Curry was a surname.

A takeaway was a mathematical problem.

A pizza was something to do with a leaning tower.

All potato chips were plain; the only choice we had was whether to put the
salt on or not.

Rice was only eaten as a milk pudding.

Calamari was called squid and we used it as fish bait.

A Big Mac was what we wore when it was raining.

Brown bread was something only poor people ate.

Oil was for lubricating, fat was for cooking.

Tea was made in a teapot using tea leaves and never green.

Sugar enjoyed a good press in those days, and was regarded as being white
gold. Cubed sugar was regarded as posh.

Fish didn't have fingers in those days.

Eating raw fish was called poverty, not sushi.

None of us had ever heard of yoghurt.

Healthy food consisted of anything edible.

People who didn't peel potatoes were regarded as lazy.

Indian restaurants were only found in India.

Cooking outside was called camping.

Seaweed was not a recognised food.

"Kebab" was not even a word, never mind a food.

Prunes were medicinal.

Surprisingly, muesli was readily available, it was called cattle feed.

Water came out of the tap. If someone had suggested bottling it and
charging more than petrol for it , they would have become a laughing
stock!!

*The one thing that we never ever had on our table in the fifties .....
Elbows!*

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IN MALTA - An Amazing Picture File links:
 Click here

USS J.F.K. Docking in Malta

This shot gives a good relationship of its size to something else like
buildings, cars, etc...

Have you ever considered how big a U.S. carrier really is?

Astonishing!

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Vakwerk [XXX]
 Click here

YOU HAVE BEEN SELECTED TO RECEIVE THIS EMAIL DUE TO YOUR GENEROSITY TO THE
ART MOVEMENT IN YOUR STATE.

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Presidential dance
 Click here

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Can Cold Water Clean Dishes?

Some of you have this equipment so could try it too..LOL,Me  Can Cold Water
Clean Dishes? This is for all the germ conscious folks that worry about
using cold water to clean.

John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural
area of Saskatchewan ..

After spending a great evening chatting the night away, the next morning
John's grandfather prepared breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast.

However, John noticed a film like substance on his plate, and questioned
his grandfather asking,

'Are these plates clean?'

His grandfather replied,

'They're as clean as cold water can get em.

Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!'

For lunch the old man made hamburgers.

Again, John was concerned about the plates,as his appeared to have tiny
specks around the edge that looked like dried egg and asked,

'Are you sure these plates are clean?'

Without looking up the old man said,

'I told you before, Sonny, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get
them. Now don't you fret, I don't want to hear another word about it!'

Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town and as he was
leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl, and wouldn't let him pass.

John yelled and said, 'Grandfather, your dog won't let me get to my car'.

Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on
TV, the old man shouted!

'Coldwater, go lay down now, yah hear me!'
 Click here

Meet Coldwater !

Have a fabulous STRESS FREE day!

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Love this picture
 Click here

Obvious why Putin envies Trump, isn't it?

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The Big Australian
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
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Kit or Original ??
 Click here Click here

If you can't buy a Kit in 1979, for only $6,500.

The Original below, is still for sale, at only $17,999.

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Navy Captain orders 200 rounds fired into Coffin File
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here

9th September, 1980

Commander William Wunderly, the Captain of US Destroyer USS Farragut,
ordered 6 of his men to fire  200  rounds,  from  M-14  rifles, into  a
coffin,
containing  the  body  of  a   retired  veteran,  who had requested that he
be  buried at sea. However,
after  the   burial  service,  the   coffin  refused   to sink,  and  the 
Captain  ordered  his  men  to  fire.

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Links & Photos
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here

Links & Photos

Tracking Sharks
 Click here

10 X 2017 Naked Calendars [XXX]
 Click here

75th Anniversary Pearl Harbor
 Click here

36 Holocaust Photos
 Click here

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Andy Rooney on S*x (X)

1. When I was born, I was given a choice - a big pecker or a good memory
.... I  don't remember what I chose.

2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.

3. A wife is a s*x object. Every time you ask for s*x, she objects.

4. Impotence: nature's way of saying, "No hard feelings ..."

5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - 'don't'
and 'stop', unless they are used together.

6. Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on
earth.

7. There are three stages in a man's life: Tri-Weekly, Try Weekly, and Try
Weakly.

8. Virginity can be cured.

9. Virginity is not dignity, it's lack of opportunity.

10. Having s*x is like playing bridge - if you don't have a good partner,
you better have a good hand.

11. I tried phone s*x once, but the holes in the dial were too small.

12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.

13. Question: What's an Australian kiss?

Answer: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.

14. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy
with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing.

15. Question: What are the three biggest tragedies in a man's life?
Answer: Life sucks, job sucks, and the wife doesn't.

16. Question: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Answer: Breasts don't have eyes.

17. Despite the old saying, 'Don't take your troubles to bed', many men
still sleep with their wives!

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[ End friday humour ]

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