Friday humour - November 18, 2016

 From Burnout @ Bluehaze:

From: Anonymous3
Subject: A touching reminder

Food City is a Southern grocery store chain with headquarters in Bristol,
Tennessee.

This is their one-minute commercial. Not a word spoken and

none is needed.

Food City
 Click here

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From: Burnout
Subject: Thirsty????
 Click here

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From: Sack
Subject: Six innovative wind turbine designs
 Click here

Subject:   Funny Signs
 Click here

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From: Wally
Subject: Life Lessons

Lesson 1:

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her
shower, when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour.

Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in
front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'

'It was Bob the next door neighbour,' she replies.

'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'

Moral of the story:

If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your
shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable
exposure.

Lesson 2:

A priest offered a Nun a lift

She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.

The priest nearly had an accident.

After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up
her leg again.
The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily
And went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129.. It
said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'

Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great
opportunity.

Lesson 3:

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch
when they find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas ,
driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'
Puff! She's gone.

'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing
on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas
and the love of my life.'

Puff! He's gone.

'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after
Lunch.'

Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.

Lesson 4

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.

A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do
nothing?'
The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a
sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Lesson 5

A turkey was chatting with a bull.

'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the t
turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'
'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull.
They're packed with nutrients.'

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough
strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of
the tree.

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story:
Bull Sh*t might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there..

Lesson 6

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird
froze and fell to the ground into a large field.

While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize
how warm he was.

The dung was actually thawing him out!

He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.

Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow
dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who sh*ts on you is your enemy.

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of sh*t is your friend.

(3) And when you're in deep sh*t, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

Subject: Planet Earth II

Official Trailer
 Click here

Iguana
 Click here

Sloth
 Click here

Ibex
 Click here

Snow Leopard
 Click here

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From: Whizzbang
Subject: US elections

       If Hilary Clinton had won the U.S. presidential election, it would
have been the first time ever in history that two U.S. presidents had slept
with each other.

       AND

       Now that Donald Trump has won the U.S. presidential election, it is
the first time ever in history that a white US billionaire will move into
public housing vacated by a black family!

Subject:  swing super............
 Click here

Subject: I believe
 Click here

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From: Duke of Barsinov
Subject: LETTER TO A PILOT
 Click here Click here

This little girl has a way with words for being only 8 years old.The flight
was Qantas 278 from Sydney to Wellington , NZ on 12th August 2013. |

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From: Mitta
Subject: TRUMP
 Click here Click here

Looks like Trump has played us all, who's the real fool...

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From: Sack
Subject: Man Rules
 Click here

This guy is right on..... many years of experience agree with him !!!!

Man Rules
At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down

Finally , the guys' side of the story.
(I must admit, it's pretty good.)
We always hear ' the rules'  From the female side

Now here are the rules from the male side.

These are our rules!
Please note.. these are all numbered '1 '  ON PURPOSE!

1.   Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

  1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what
we do.  Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways
makes you sad or angry, we meant the    other one.

1 . You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done.
Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during
commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT   need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings. Peach,
for example, is a fruit, not A colour. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no
idea what mauve is.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say 'nothing,' We will act like
nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the
hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you
don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine.
Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to
discuss such topics as baseball or  motor sports.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape.   Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch
tonight.

But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

Pass this to as many men as you can - to give them a laugh.....

Pass this to as many women as you can - To give them a bigger laugh.

Subject: Fw: Rare Michelangelo Painting Found In Arkansas
 Click here

   Rare Michelangelo Painting found in Arkansas.

Subject:   And they just keep coming
 Click here

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From: Seasoldier
Subject: It Was Only Just A Matter Of Time
 Click here

Subject: British Dry Sense of Humour
 Click here

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Subject: Idiot sighting
 Click here

New sign at Wal-Mart

Our society is doomed..............

IDIOT SIGHTING

I handed the teller @ my bank a withdrawal slip for $400.00
I said "May I have large bills, please"
She looked at me and said "I'm sorry sir, all the bills are the same size."
When I got up off the floor I explained it to her....

When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our
car, we were told the keys had been locked in it.

We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly
to unlock the driver side door.

As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle
and discovered that it was unlocked.

'Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'it's open!' His reply: 'I know. I
already got that side.'
This was at the Ford dealership in Canton,MS

We had to have the garage door repaired.
The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not
have a 'large' enough motor on the opener.
I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at
that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, 'Lady, you need a
1/4 horsepower.' I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4. He said, 'NO,
it's not..' Four is larger than two.' We haven't used Sears repair since.

IDIOT SIGHTING
My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave
the clerk a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter.
She said, 'you gave me too much money.' I said, 'Yes I know, but this way
you can just give me a dollar bill back. She sighed and went to get the
manager, who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back
the quarter, and said 'We're sorry but we could not do that kind of thing.'
The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change. Do not
confuse the clerks at McD's.

IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE
  My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the
person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.' He said he was sorry, but
they only had iceburg lettuce. -- From Kansas City

IDIOT SIGHTING
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee
asked,
'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?'
To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?'
He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'
Happened in Birmingham , Ala.

IDIOT SIGHTING
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street.
I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She
asked if I knew what the buzzer was for.
I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.
Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!'
She was a probation officer in Wichita , KS

IDIOT SIGHTING
At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear co-worker who was leaving the
company due to 'downsizing,' our manager commented cheerfully, 'This is
fun. We should do this more often.'  Not another word was spoken. We all
just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.
This was a lunch at Texas Instruments.

IDIOT SIGHTING
I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and
for the sake of her life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn
on.
A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriffs office.

IDIOT SIGHTING
How would you pronounce this child's name?
"Le-a"
Leah?? NO
Lee - A?? NOPE
Lay - a?? NO
Lei?? Guess Again.
This child attends a school in Kansas City, Mo.
Her mother is irate because everyone is getting her name wrong.
It's pronounced "Ledasha". When the Mother was asked about the
pronunciation of the name, she said, "the dash don't be silent."

SO, if you see something come across your desk like this please remember to
pronounce the dash. If dey axe you why, tell dem de dash don't be silent.

STAY ALERT!  They walk among us....and they VOTE.

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From: Seasoldier
Subject: Lateral thinking
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

Check out your lateral thinking power!
The first 4 images are the questions. Answers are given at the end.
Please do not look at the answers first, these are really good. Try it.


ANSWERS
  1. The last person took the basket with the egg in it.
  2. All the other card players were women.
  3. Pour the juice from the second glass into the fifth.
  4. The recluse lived in a lighthouse.

Subject:  Canadian Love Story
 Click here Click here

Alan and Loraine Delowski lived on a cove at Gull Lake Alberta.
It was early winter and the lower portion of the cove had frozen over.
Alan asked Lorraine if she would walk across the frozen part of the cove to
the general store and get him some smokes and beer.
She asked him for some money, but he told her, "Nah, just put it on our
tab.
Old man Stacey won't mind."
So Lorraine, being the good wife walked across the ice, got the smokes and
beer at the store and then walked back home across the cove.
When she got home with the items she said, "Alan, you always tell me not to
run up the tab at Stacey's store. Why didn't you just give me some money?"
Alan replied, "Well, Lorraine, I didn't want to send you out there with
cash when I wasn't sure how thick the ice was!"

A love story like this almost brings tears to my eyes........

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From: Wally
Subject: Links & Photos
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

Links & Photos

Alexander Koblikov (Juggler)
 Click here

The Star Catchers
 Click here

Historical Photos Part 1 (Amazing)
 Click here

Historical Photos Part 2 (Amazing)
 Click here

Best Ever WWII Doc*mentary ( 2 hours +)
 Click here

David Blaine (Magician)
 Click here

Subject: Bedroom Golf 

For all good golfers------even those who think they are good golfers !

1. Each player should furnish his own equipment for play - normally one
club and two balls.

2. Play on the course should be approved by the owner of the hole.

3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep
the balls out.

4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course
owners are permitted to check the shaft stiffness before play.

5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid damage
to the hole.

6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the
course owner is satisfied that play is complete. Failure to do so may
result in being denied permission to play the course again.

7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon
arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to
admire the entire course with special attention to the well formed bunkers.

8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played, or
are currently playing, to the owner of the course being played. Upset
course owners have been known to damage players equipment for this reason.

9. Players are encouraged to bring proper rain gear for their own
protection.

10. Players should assure themselves that their match has been properly
scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first
time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover
someone else playing on what they considered to be a private course.

11. Players should not assume that a course is in shape for play at all
times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be
temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in
this situation. More advanced players will find alternative means of play
when this is the case.

12. The course owner is responsible for manicuring and pruning any bush
around the hole to allow for improved viewing of, alignment with, and
approach to the hole.

13. Players are advised to obtain the course owners permission before
attempting to play the back nine.

14. Slow play is encouraged. However players should be prepared to proceed
at a quicker pace, at least temporarily at the course owners request.

15. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the
same hole several times in one match.

Subject: Rainbow Eucalyptus
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

The Rainbow Eucalyptus is known as the most colourful tree on earth.

The Rainbow Eucalyptus is also known as the Eucalyptus Deglupta, Mindanao
Gum, or Rainbow Gum. It is found in an area that spans Australia, New
Guinea, and the Philippines , and is the only Eucalyptus species with a
natural range, that extends into the northern hemisphere. It thrives in
tropical forests that get a lot of rain. The unique multi-coloured bark is
the most distinctive feature of the tree. Patches of outer bark are shed
annually at different times, showing a bright green inner bark. This then
darkens and matures to give blue, purple, orange, and then maroon colours.
The previous season’s bark peels off in strips, to reveal brightly
coloured new bark below. The peeling process results in vertical streaks of
red, orange, green, blue, and grey. The Rainbow Eucalyptus grows up to 6
feet wide, and over 200 feet tall.

Subject: Links & Photos
File links:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

Links & Photos

Los Angeles Panoramic
 Click here

113 Years of Space Films
 Click here

iSelect Health Cover Check
 Click here

World’s Longest Fingernails
 Click here

My Friend the Wind
 Click here

Subject: Gabriel Green
 Click here Click here

Gabriel Green would have given Trump & Clinton a run for their money,
especially if someone mentioned Flying Saucers

Gabriel Green campaigned to be President of the United States in 1960,
promoting himself as your write-in space-age candidate.

His main qualification was that he had seen at least 75 flying saucers, and
has chatted with space people. Also, he was founder of the Amalgamated
Flying Saucer Clubs of America. He promised that his presidency would usher
in The World of Tomorrow, and UTOPIA now.

However, he didn't attract a lot of support from voters. He attributed this
to the fact that not enough Americans have yet seen flying saucers, or
talked to outer space people. So he dropped out of the race, and endorsed
John F. Kennedy. The space people told him that they approved his decision.

He ran again in 1972, with similar results.

More info (and photos) at Gabriel Green for President.

Subject: Links & Photos
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

Links & Photos

Ohio State Marching Band
 Click here

Shipboard Troubles (Click)
 Click here

Flashback in History (USS Cole)
 Click here

Flashback in History (MV Le Joola)
 Click here

Butter Dance
 Click here

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From: Whizzbang
Subject: The Queen & Trump
 Click here

Subject:  The ladder man
 Click here

       Very trickey!!

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Quote of the Week:

“ Stay Hungry, stay foolish”.

  - Steve Jobs.

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[ End friday humour ]

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