Friday humour - November 11, 2016

[from Steve at Bluehaze]

President-elect Trump. Now I KNOW I'm not in Kansas anymore ... First
Brexit, then PE Trump, what's next? Prime Minister Hanson? Shoot me now!

For the Aussies, Kiwis, Poms and Canucks amongst the readership - Lest We
Forget!

This weeks collection mostly from Burnout, Duke of Barsinov, Haz, Sack,
Seasoldier, Wally and Whizzbang.

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Survival of the fittest.....
 Click here

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How to stop Road Rage in a few seconds. [language]
 Click here

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Lil' Zac
 Click here

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Ridicule.....
 Click here

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The Gunfighter......
 Click here

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Have a laugh
 Click here

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Senior's Exam

I'm only sending this to the brightest of my SENIOR and almost senior
friends.

New Senior's Exam, you only need 4 correct  out of 10 questions to pass.

1) How long did the Hundred Years' War last?

2) Which country makes Panama hats?

3) From which animal do we get cat gut?

4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?

5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?

6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?

7) What was King George VI's first name?

8) What color is a purple finch?

9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?

10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane?

Remember, you need only 4 correct answers to pass.

Check your answers below ....

ANSWERS TO THE QUIZ
1) How long did the Hundred Years War last? 116 years
2) Which country makes Panama hats? Ecuador
3) From which animal do we get cat gut? Sheep and Horses
4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution? November
5) What is a camel's hair brush made of? Squirrel fur
6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal? Dogs
7) What was King George VI's first name? Albert 8 ) What color is a purple
finch? Crimson
9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from? New Zealand
10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane? Orange (of
course)

What do you mean, you failed?

Me, too!

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Men's Helpline

Hello, you have reached the Men's Help Line, my name is Bob.

How can I help you?

Hi Bob, I really need your advice on a serious problem.

I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me.

You know, just the usual signs:  The phone rings and when I answer, the
caller hangs up.

Plus, she goes out with the girls a lot.

I usually try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home, but I
always fall asleep.

Anyway, last night about midnight, I woke up and she was not home.

So, I hid in the garage, behind my boat and waited for her.

When she came home, she got out of someone's car, buttoning her blouse.

Then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on.

It was at that moment, while crouching behind the boat, that I noticed a
hairline crack in the outboard motor mounting bracket.

Is that something I can weld, or do I need to replace the whole bracket?

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I was travelling between Toronto and Peterborough....

I was travelling between Toronto and Peterborough the other day when a tire
blew out.
Checking my spare, I found that it too was flat.
My only option was to flag down a passing motorist and get a ride to the
next town.
The first vehicle to stop was an old man in a van. He yelled out the
window,
"Need a lift?"
"Yes, I sure do," I replied.
"You a Liberal or Conservative," asked the old man. "úConservative", I
replied.
"Well, you can just go to Hell," yelled the old man as he sped off.
Another guy stopped, rolled down the window, and asked me the same
question.
Again, I gave the same answer, "úConservative." The driver gave me the
finger and drove off.
I thought it over and decided that maybe I should change my strategy, since
this area seemed to be overly political and there appeared to be very few
Conservatives.
The next car to stop was a red convertible driven by a beautiful blonde.
She smiled seductively and asked if I was a Liberal or Conservative.
"Liberal" I shouted.
"Hop in!" replied the blonde.
Driving down the road, I couldn't help but stare at the gorgeous woman in
the seat next to me, the wind blowing through her hair, perfect breasts,
and a short skirt that continued to ride higher and higher up her thighs.
Finally, I yelled, "Please stop the car; I have to get out."
She immediately slammed on the brakes and as soon as the car stopped, I
jumped out.
"What's the matter?" she asked.
"I can't take it anymore," I replied. "I've only been a Liberal for five
minutes and already I want to screw somebody!"

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Building permit

Some have asked what I've been doing in retirement.

Well, I applied for a building permit for a new house.

It was going to be 100 ft tall and 400 ft wide, with 12 gun turrets at

various heights, and windows all over the place and a loud outside

entertainment sound system. It would have parking for 200 cars and I was

going to paint it green with pink trim. Then I was gonna hire some idiot to

stand on top of it and SCREAM as loud as he could three or four times a
day.

The City Council told me:  Forget it...AIN'T GONNA HAPPEN!

So, I sent in the application again, but this time I called it a "Mosque."

Work starts on Monday. And here is the best part, it's going to be tax
exempt!

I love this country.

It's the government that scares me.

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QUESTIONS THAT HAUNT ME!

Can you cry under water?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered
assassinated instead of just murdered?

Why do you have to 'put your two cents in'... but it's only a 'penny for
your thoughts'? Where's that extra penny going?

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried
in for eternity?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a
good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up,
like every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars
to look at things on the ground?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change?

They're going to see you naked anyway... why is 'bra' singular and
'panties' plural?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible
crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about
him?

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut,
why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both
dogs!

If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME cr*p, why didn't he
just buy dinner?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables,
what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call
it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you,
but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Why, Why, Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the
batteries are dead?

Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is
not enough money?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but
check when you say the paint is wet?

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a
revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an 's' in the word 'lisp'?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are
always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that
something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum
cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give
the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off
the  table you always manage to knock something else over?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when
we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

And my  FAVOURITE.........

The statistics on sanity is that one out of every four persons are
suffering from some  sort of mental illness.

Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.

Another one to think about:

Bees go to hives, ants to their nests, spiders to their webs BUT where do
flies go at night?

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The Rake.

I was working in the garden the other day and my wife was about to take a
shower. I realized that I couldn't find the rake so I yelled up to her
"Where's the rake?"

She couldn't hear me and she shouted back, "What?"

I pointed to my eye and then I pointed to my knee and made a raking motion.

Then my wife wasn't sure and said "What?"

I repeated the gestures. "Eye - Kneed - The Rake"

My wife replied that she understood and signaled back. She first pointed to
her eye, next she pointed to her left breast, then she pointed to her
backside and finally to her crotch. Well, there is no way in hell I could
even come close to that one.

Exasperated, I went upstairs and asked her, "What the hell was that?

She replied,   "Eye - Left Tit - Behind - The Bush" !!!

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Christmas Stamps

A blond goes into the Post Office to buy some stamps for her Christmas
cards.

She says to the clerk "May I have 50 Christmas stamps please?"

The clerk says "What denomination?"

The blond says "God help us. Has it come to this?"

In exasperation she says "Give me 22 Catholic, 12 Anglican, 10 Methodist
and 6 Baptist".

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Deer-hunting-problem
 Click here

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Burnout
 Click here

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Ms May's problem...
 Click here

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Fwd: ON LINE SHOPPING IN INDIA
 Click here

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High School teacher.

A mother and her young son were flying Qantas Airlines from Melbourne to
Perth.

The  little boy, who had been looking out the window, turned to his mother
and  asked, 'If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why
don't big planes have baby planes?'

The mother, who couldn't think of an answer, told her son to ask the flight
attendant. So the boy went down the aisle and asked the flight attendant,
'If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big
planes have baby planes?'

The busy flight attendant smiled and said, 'Did your mother tell you to ask
me?'

The boy said, 'Why yes she did.'

"Well then, you go and tell your mother that there are no baby planes
because Qantas always pulls out on time. Now go back and ask her to explain
that to you"?

THE NEW HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER.

After retiring from the army, a former Infantry Sergeant took a job as a
high school teacher. Just before the school year started, he injured his
back. He was required to wear a light plaster cast around the upper part of
his body. Fortunately, the cast fitted snugly under his shirt and wasn't
noticeable when he wore his suit jacket.

On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to the toughest
students in the school. The smart-ar*e punks, having already heard the new
teacher was a former soldier, were wary of him and he knew they would be
testing his discipline in the classroom.

Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, the new teacher opened the
window wide and sat down at his desk. A strong breeze through the window
made his tie flap. He picked up a stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.

Dead Silence.

The rest of the year went smoothly.

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Maxine problems solves America.

Everyone concentrates on the problems we're having in this country lately
--
illegal immigration, hurricane recovery, alligators attacking people in
Florida ..

... Not me -- I concentrate on solutions for the problems -- it's a win-win
situation.

* Dig a moat the length of the Mexican border.
* Send the dirt to New Orleans to raise the level of the levees.
* Put the Florida alligators in the moat along the Mexican border.
Any other problems you would like for me to solve today? Yes!

Think about this:
1. Cows
2. The Constitution
3. The Ten Commandments

COWS
Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that during the mad cow
epidemic our government could track a single cow, born in Canada almost
three years ago, right to the stall where she slept in the state of
Washington?
And, they tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate
12 million illegal aliens wandering around our country. Maybe we should
give each of them a cow.

THE CONSTITUTION
They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq ... Why don't we
just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it has
worked for over 200 years, and we're not using it anymore.

THE 10 COMMANDMENTS
The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments posted in a
courthouse is this - you cannot post 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' 'Thou Shalt Not
Commit Adultery' and 'Thou Shall Not Lie' in a building full of lawyers,
judges and politicians ... It creates a hostile work environment.

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At The Dentist ......

Just at the  moment when the dentist was leaning over towards his patient
to take care of her teeth, he was startled.

"Excuse me, Miss, those are my testicles that you are holding."

"I know," answered the patient. "You and I should be very careful not to
hurt each other. Agreed?"

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Not what you think
 Click here

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IRONY ... explained in pictures
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here

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No Key?
 Click here

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Pills
 Click here Click here Click here Click here
One of the world records that Guinness no longer tracks, is that for most
pills swallowed. But from the late 1970s to the 1990s, it consistently
awarded this to one C. Kilner of Malawi, who apparently took A LOT of
pills,
following the removal of his pancreas, on June 9, 1967.

The exact number of pills taken by Kilner progressively increased over
time.
The 1978 edition of Guinness put it at 280,131 pills. A year later it had
reached 311,136. By 1981 it was 359,061, and Kilner finally stopped taking
pills on June 19, 1988, having reached a total of 565,939 pills.

Later reports did the maths, and figured out that this worked out to 73
pills a day, and that if all the pills he had taken were laid out end to
end, they would form an unbroken line two miles 186 yards long.

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Links & Photos
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here

Japanese Bird Beggar
 Click here

Information on the Turbo Entabulator
 Click here

Idiots & Guns (Swearing)
 Click here

Are You Colour Blind?
 Click here

Jitterbug
 Click here

Creation
 Click here

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Three Wheel Racer
 Click here

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      Ah-the-eah the-eah That's All (for this week) Folks!


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[ End friday humour ]

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