Friday humour - November 04, 2016

 Thanks everybody for all the great contributions this week, being Wally,
Anonymous 3 , Seasoldier, Haz, Whizzbang, Duke of Barsinov, Burnout,
Afremo, Billy Bunter of adelaide and most notably, Sack.

Hope you enjoy

THE HILLARY CONDOM:
This Is MELTING The Internet!
Hillary HATES It, So SHARE It
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Irish Lubricant

Murphy's' old lady had been pregnant for some time and now the time had
come.
He brought her to the doctor and the doctor began to deliver the baby.
She had a little boy, and the doctor looked over at Murphy and said.'Hey,
Murphy! You just had you a son,! 'Ain't dat grand,!'
Murphy got excited by this, but just then the doctor spoke up and said,
'Hold on! We ain't finishedyet, !'
The doctor then delivered a little girl.
He said,'Hey, Murphy! You got you a daughter, !!!! She is a pretty lil
ting, too....'
Murphy got kind of puzzled by this and then the doctor said,'Hold on, we
ain't got done yet, !'
The doctor then delivered another boy and said,'Murphy, you just
hadyourself another boy, !'
Murphy said to the doctor what caused all of dem babies,?'
The doctor said,'You never know Murphy, it was probably something that
happened during conception.'
Murphy said,'Ah yeah, during conception.'
When Murphy and his wife went home with their three children, he sat down
with his wife and said,
'Mama, you remember dat night that we ran out of
Vaseline and we had to use dat dere 3-in-1 Oil.'
She said, 'Yeah, Iremember dat night...'
Murphy said,'I'll tell you, .....it's a freaking' good ting we didn't use
WD-40.

Sully Spoof
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Trusting Wives....
There comes a time when a woman just has to trust her husband.
For example:
A wife comes home late at night from work and quietly opens the door to her
bedroom.
From under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two.
She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as
she can.
Leaving the covered bodies groaning, she goes to the kitchen to have a
drink.
As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.
"Hi, sweetheart," he says. "Your parents have come to visit us, so I let
them stay in our bedroom. Did you say hello?"

How Do You Define Handsome?
A test at a Durham City High school in North Carolina, required students to
use "handsome" in a sentence.
The girl named Lateshia, she say "Sometimes when I be suckin' Jamal's
snake, my jaw gets sore and I hafta use my handsome."
The quality of our educational system sometimes brings a tear to your
eye!!!

Lying lawyers
A young Jackaroo named Richard from outback Queensland goes off to
University, but halfway through the semester he foolishly has squandered
all of his money.
He calls home. 'Dad,' he says, 'you won't believe what modern education is
developing. They actually have a program here in Brisbane that will teach
our dog Ol' Blue how to talk.'
'That's amazing!' his Dad says. 'How do I get Ol' Blue into that program?'
'Just send him down here with $2,000,' the young Jackaroo says, 'and I'll
get him into the course.'
So ... his father sends the dog and $2,000.
About two-thirds through the semester, the money again runs out .
The boy calls home. 'So how's Ol' Blue doing, son?' his father wants to
know.
'Awesome!Dad, he's talking up a storm. But you just won't believe this.
They've had such good results with talking, they've begun toteach the
animals how to read.'
'Read?'exclaims his father. 'No kidding!How do we get Ol' Blue in that
program?'
'Just send $4,500. I'll get him into the class.'
The money promptly arrives.But our hero has a problem.At the end of the
year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk nor read. So he
shoots the dog. When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is
all excited.
'Where's Ol' Blue?I just can't wait to talk with him, and see him read
something!'
'Dad,' the boy says, 'I have some grim news.
Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the
living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Financial Review.
Then he suddenly turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still bonking
that little redhead barmaid at the pub?''
The father groans and whispers, 'I hope you shot that bastard before he
talks to your Mother!'
'I sure did, Dad!'
'That's my boy!'
The kid went on to be a successful lawyer.

Trump and the Pope
Seeking a weekend break from his campaign rallies; Donald Trump jetted to
his yacht, which was docked off the coast of Italy.
He invited Pope Francis and the press corps on board for a Sat*rday
afternoon cruise.It was a rather windy day.The Pope's little hat, his
zucchetto, was blown from his head and into the water.
A crewman began lowering a boat to retrieve the zucchetto.Trump told the
crewman not to bother.
Trump climbed down the yacht's ladder; walked across the waves, picked up
the zucchetto; walked back to the yacht and handed it to the Pope.
The Pope and the press corps were amazed!Donald Trump could actually walk
on water!
Speculation immediately began as to how ABC, CNN, NBC, ABC, The Washington
Post and New York Times would report this miraculous event to the rest of
the world.
The next morning the New York Times headline read . . .

DONALD TRUMP CAN'T SWIM!

Why parents drink.
The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was absent but had
not phoned in sick. So he dialed the employee's home phone number and was
greeted with a child's whisper.
"Hello?"
"Is your daddy home?"
Small voice whispered, "Yes, he's out in the garden,"
"May I talk with him?"
The child whispered, "No."
So the boss asked, "Well, is your Mommy there?"
"Yes, she's out in the garden too."
The boss asked; "May I talk with her?"
Again the child whispered, "No.".
Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss
asked, "Is anybody else there?"
"Yes", whispered the child, "a policeman."
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked,
"May I speak with the policeman?"
"No, He's busy," whispered the child.
Busy doing what?"
"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the police dog men."
Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background, the boss
asked, "What is that noise?"
"It's a helicopter" answered the whispering voice.
"What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.
"The search team just landed a helicopter."
"Asearch team?" said the boss. "What are they searching for?"
Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle...
ME"

What Is Butt Dust??

 What, you ask, is 'Butt dust'? What do you do or say, when an innocent
child asks you something so innocent and they are so serious? Read on and
you'll discover the joy in it! These have to be original and genuine. No
adult is this creative!!

 JACK (age 3) was watching his Mom breast-feeding his new baby sister...
After a while he asked: 'Mom why have you got two? Is one for hot and one
for cold milk?'

 STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom good night. 'I love you so much
that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window.'

 BRITTANY (age 4) had an ear ache and wanted a pain killer. She tried in
vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom
explained it was a child-proof cap and she'd have to open it for her. Eyes
wide with wonder, the little girl asked: 'How does it know it's me?'

 SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. 'Please don't
give me this juice again,' she said, 'It makes my teeth cough.'

 DJ (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: 'How much do I
cost?'

 CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried When his Mom asked what
was troubling him, he replied, 'I don't know what'll happen with this bed
when I get married. How will my wife fit in it?'

 MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and kissing
in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad: 'Why
is he whispering in her mouth?'

 TAMMY (age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather
wrinkled woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked at her for a while and then
asked,

 'Why doesn't your skin fit your face?'

 JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: 'The man named
Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife
looked back and was turned to salt.'

 Concerned, James asked: 'What happened to the flea?'

 The Sermon I think this Mom will never forget....

 This particular Sunday sermon... 'Dear Lord,' the minister began, with
arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face.
'Without you, we are but dust....'

 He would have continued but at that moment the very obedient daughter who
was listening leaned overand asked quite audibly in her shrill little four
year old girl voice,

 'Mom, what is butt dust?'

Do you fart in bed ?

If this story doesn't make you cry for laughing so hard, let me know and Il
pray for you.This is a story about a couple who had been happily married
for years, the only friction in their marriage was the husbandhabit of
farting loudly every morning when he awoke the noise would wake his wife
and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.
Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it
was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was
perfectly natural.
She told him to see a doctor, she was concerned that one day he would blow
his guts out. The years went by and he continued to rip them out. Then one
Christmas day morning, as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he
was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the innards, neck, gizzard, liver
and all the spare parts, and a malicious thought came to her. She took the
bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently
pulling the bed covers back, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his
underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts. Sometime
later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was
followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as
he ran into the bath room. The wife could hardly control herself as she
rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she
reckoned she had got him back pretty good. About twenty minutes later, her
husband came downstairs in his blood stained underpants with a look of
horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter.
He said, honey you were rightall these years you have warned me and I
didn't listen to you. what do you mean?asked his wife.well, you always told
me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally
happened, but by the grace of god, some Vaseline and two fingers. I think I
got most of them back in

"Fluctuations"

 I was at my bank today; there was a short line.
 There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady who was  trying to
exchange yen for dollars.
 It was obvious she was a little irritated... .. She asked the  teller,
"Why it change? Yesterday, Iget two hunat dolla fo yen.
 Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?"
 The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations."
 The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too"

Stay Off Your Bike!

My wife Linda found out that our dog (a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so
she took it to the veterinarian. The vet found that the problem was hair in
the dog's ears.
He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine. The vet then
proceeded to tell Linda that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring,
she should go to the pharmacy and get some 'Nair' Hair Remover and rub it
in the dog's ears once a month.
Linda went to the store and bought some 'Nair' Hair Remover.
At the register, the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this
under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."
Linda said, "I'm not using it under my arms."
The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't use body
lotion for a couple of days."
Linda replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either.
If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer."
The pharmacist said, "Well, then.....stay off your bicycle for at least a
week."

GOLF

The only problem with golf is that the slow people are always in front of
you and the fast people always end up behind you.

AARP Quiz?

In the glorious days of the British Empire, a new commanding officer was
sent to a jungle outpost in central Africa to relieve the retiring colonel.

After welcoming his replacement and showing the usual courtesies that
protocol decrees, (gin and tonic, cuc*mber sandwiches etc), the retiring
colonel said,

"You must meet my Adjutant, Captain Smithers.He's my right-hand man, and
he's really the strength of this office. His talent is simply boundless."

Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new CO, who was surprised to
meet a hunch-backed, one eyed, toothless, hairless, scabbed and pockmarked
specimen of humanity, a particularly unattractive man, less than three feet
tall.

"Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about yourself."

"Well, sir, I graduated with honours from Sandhurst, joined the regiment
and won the Military Cross and Bar after three expeditions behind enemy
lines. I've represented Great Britain in equestrian events, and won a
Silver Medal in the boxing middleweight division of the Olympics. I have
researched the history of . . . . "

Here the colonel interrupted, "Yes, yes, never mind that Smithers; he can
find all that in your file.
Tell him about the day you told the witch doctor to f*>^k off."

The clock
A man died and went to Heaven.
As he stood in front of the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks
behind him.He asked, "What are all those clocks for?".
St Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks.Everyone who has ever been on
earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock move".
"Oh", said the man. "Whose clock is that?".
"That's Mother Teresa's", replied St Peter. "The hands have never moved,
indicating that she never told a lie".
"Incredible",said the man. "And whose clock is that one?".
St Peter responded,"That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved
twice, telling us that Abraham told only two lies in his entire life".
"Where's Donald Trump's clock?", asked the man.
St Peter replied,"We're using it as a ceiling fan".

A Dark and Stormy Night

Bob Hill and his new wife Betty were vacationing in Europe ... as it
happens, near Transylvania. They were driving in a rental car along a
rather deserted highway. It was late at night and raining very hard with
thunder and lightning.

Bob could barely see the road in front of the car.

Suddenly, the car skids out of control! Bob attempts to control the car,
but to no avail! The car swerves and smashes into atree.

Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog.
Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his wife unconscious,
with her head bleeding! Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob
knows he has to get her medical assistance. Bob carefully picks his wife up
and begins trudging down the road. After a short while, he sees a light. He
heads towards the light, which is coming from a large, old house.

He approaches the door and knocks.

A minute passes and a small, hunched old man opens the door. Bob
immediately blurts, "Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife Betty.
We've been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can
I please use your phone?"

"I'm sorry," repliedthe hunchback, "But we don't have a phone. But my
master is a doctor; come in, and I will get him!"

Bob brings his wife in. An older man comes down the stairs. "I'mafraid my
assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist.
However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had a basic
medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the
laboratory."

With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob
following closely. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapses
from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places Bob on an adjoining
table.

After a brief examination, Igor's master looks worried.
"Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion."

Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail , and Bob and Betty
Hill both passed away.

The Hills' deaths upset Igor's master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps
to his conservatory, which houses his grand piano. For it is here that he
has always found solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, haunting melody
fills the house.

Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch movement,
and he notices the fingers on Betty's hand twitch, keeping time to the
haunting piano music. Stunned, he watches as Bob's arm begins to rise,
marking the beat! He is further amazed as Betty and Bob both sit up
straight! Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the
conservatory.

He Bursts in and shouts to his Master,

"Master, Master"

"The Hills are Alive with the Sound of Music!"

I am Soooooo Sorry.....
But You Really
Should've Seen That Coming!!

There were four churches and a synagogue in a small town: a Presbyterian
church, a Baptist church, a Methodist church, a Catholic church and a
Jewish synagogue. Each church and the synagogue had a problem with possums
The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about them.
After much prayer and consideration they determined the possums were
predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine
will.

At the Baptist church the possums had taken an interest in the baptistery.
The deacons met and decided to put a water slide on the baptistery and let
them drown themselves. The possums liked the slide and, unfortunately, knew
instinctively how to swim so twice as many showed up the following week.

The Methodist church decided that they were not in a position to harm any
of God's creatures. So, they humanely trapped their possums and set them
free near the Baptist Church. Two weeks later they were back when the
Baptists took down the water slide.

But the Catholic Church came up with a very creative strategy. They
baptized all the possums and consecrated them as members of the church. Now
they only see them at Christmas and Easter.

Not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue. They caught one possum and
circ*mcised him. They haven't seen another one since.
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mood ring
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Enjoy
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How to shut up a street busker!!
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The first I.T. Guy
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I laughed at this one I hope you do too. (I think it has to do with my
computer literace.) So the rest of you can stop smiling at me..........

Gun Mad
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A beggar in Japan............. Astounding?
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Thou shall not kill!
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Commandment number 6  THOU SHALT NOT KILL!!

I think I might!

Catholic Joke for All Faiths..

An old nun who was living in a convent next to a construction site noticed 
the coar*e language of the workers and decided to spend some time  with
them to correct their ways.
 She decided she would take her lunch and sit with them, so she put her 
sandwich in a brown bag and walked over to the spot where the men  were
eating.
 Sporting a big smile, she walked up to the group and asked: "Any of you 
men know Jesus Christ?"
 They shook their heads and looked at each other, very confused. Then one
of  the workers looked up into the steelworks and yelled out, "Anybody up
there  know Jesus Christ?"
 One of the steelworkers yelled back down, "Why?"

 The worker yelled back, "Cause his mum's here with his lunch."

There are some real gems in this one
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Gift
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A glimpse of what lies ahead
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Folks this is a glimpse of what lies ahead and if you have any doubts, let
me assure you as an 74 plus iconoclastic old codger, this is the future!!!

 WW II AIRCRAFT AND COST FACTS...FOR THE HISTORY BUFF
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WW II AIRCRAFT AND COST FACTS...FOR THE HISTORY BUFF

Amazing WW2 Aircraft Facts

These are very moving statistics.

On average 6600 American service men died per MONTH, during WW2 (about 220
a day).

People who were not around during WW2 have no understanding of the
magnitude.

This gives some insight.

276,000 aircraft manufactured in the US .
43,000 planes lost overseas, including 23,000 in combat.
14,000 lost in the continental U.S.

The staggering cost of aircraft in 1945 dollars.(A 1945 dollar is worth
$13.16 today.

That P-38 would now cost $1,278,454.52) .
 B-17 $204,370. P-40 $44,892.
B-24 $215,516. P-47 $85,578.
B-25 $142,194. P-51 $51,572.
B-26 $192,426. C-47 $88,574.
B-29 $605,360. PT-17 $15,052.
P-38$97,147. AT-6 $22,952.

From Germany 's invasion of Poland Sept. 1, 1939until Japan 's surrender on
Sept. 2, 1945 = 2,433 days. America lost an average of 170 planes a day.

AB-17 carried 2,500 gallons of high octane fuel and carried a crew of 10
airmen.

9.7 billion gallons of gasoline consumed.
108 million hours flown.
460 thousand million rounds of aircraft ammo fired overseas.
7.9 million bombs droppedoverseas.
2.3 million combat flights.
299,230 aircraft used.
808,471 aircraft engines used.
799,972 propellers.

WWII, MOST-PRODUCED COMBAT AIRCRAFT

RussianIlyushin IL-2 Sturmovik 36,183

Yakolev Yak-1,-3,-7, -931,000

Messerschmitt Bf-109 30,480

Focke-Wulf Fw-19029,001

Supermarine Spitfire 20,351

Convair B-24/PB4Y Liberator/Privateer 18,482

Republic P-47 Thunderbolt15,686

North American P-51 Mustang 15,875

Junkers Ju-88 15,000

Hawker Hurricane14,533

Curtiss P-40 Warhawk13,738

Boeing B-17 Flying Fortress 12,731

Vought F4U Corsair12,571

F6F Hellcat   12,275

Petlyakov Pe-211,400

Lockheed P-38 Lightning 10,037
Mitsubishi A6M Zero10,449
North American B-25 Mitchell9,984
Lavochkin LaGG-5 9,920
Grumman TBM Avenger 9,837
Bell P-39 Airacobra9,584
Nakajima Ki-43 Oscar5,919
DeHavilland Mosquito7,780
Avro Lancaster 7,377
Heinkel He-111 6,508
Handley-Page Halifax6,176
Messerschmitt Bf-1106,150  LavochkinLaGG-7 5,753
Boeing B-29 Superfortress 3,970
ShortStirling 2,383

The US lost 14,903 pilots, aircrew and support personnel plus 13,873
airplanes --- inside the continental United States. There were 52,651
aircraft accidents (6,039 involving fatalities) in 45 months. Average 1,170
aircraft accidents per month---- nearly 40 a day.

It gets worse.....
Almost 1,000planes disappeared en route from the US to foreign climes.
But43,581 aircraft were lost overseas including 22,948 on combat missions
(18,418 in Europe ) and 20,633 due to non-combat causes overseas.

In a single 376 plane raid in August 1943, 60 B-17s were shot down. That
was a 16 percent loss rate and meant 600 empty bunks in England. In
1942-43, it was statistically impossible for bomber crews to complete the
intended 25-mission tour in Europe .

Pacific theatre losses were far less (4,530 in combat) owing to smaller
forces committed. The B-29 mission against Tokyo on May 25, 1945, cost 26
Superfortresses,5.6 percent of the 464 dispatched from the Marianas .

Onaverage, 6,600 American servicemen died per month during WWII, about 220
a day. Over 40,000 airmen were killed in combat and another 18,000 wounded.
Some 12,000 missing men were declared dead, including those "liberated" by
the Soviets but never returned. More than 41,000 were captured. Half of the
5,400 held by the Japanese died in captivity, compared with one-tenth in
German hands. Total combat casualties were121,867.

The US forces peak strength was in 1944 with 2,372,000 personnel, nearly
twice the previous year's figure.

Losses were huge---but so were production totals. From 1941 through 1945,
American industry delivered more than 276,000 military aircraft. That was
not only for US Army, Navy and Marine Corps, but also for allies as diverse
as Britain, Australia , China and Russia .

Our enemies took massive losses. Through much of 1944, the Luftwaffe
sustained hemorrhaging of 25% of aircrews and 40 planes a month.

ExperienceLevel:
Uncle Sam sent many men to war with minimum training. Some fighter pilots
entered combat in 1942 with less than 1 hour in their assigned aircraft..
The 357th Fighter Group (The Yoxford Boys) went to England in late 1943
having trained on P-39s, then flew Mustangs. They never saw a Mustang until
the first combat mission.

With the arrival of new aircraft, many units transitioned in combat. The
attitude was, "They all have a stick and a throttle. Go fly `em." When the
famed 4th Fighter Group converted from P-47s to P-51s in Feb 44, there was
no time to stand down for an orderly transition. The Group commander, Col.
DonaldBlakeslee,said, "Youcan learn to fly 51s on the way to the target".

A future P-47 ace said, "I was sent to England to die."Many bomber crews
were still learning their trade. Of Jimmy Doolittle's 15 pilots on the
April 1942Tokyo raid, only five had won their wings before 1941. All but
one of the 16 co-pilots were less than a year out of flight school.

In WW2,safety took a back seat to combat.The AAF's worst accident rate was
recorded by the A-36 Invader version of the P-51: a staggering 274
accidents per 100,000 flying hours. Next worst were the P-39 at 245, the
P-40 at 188, and the P-38 at 139.All were Allison powered.

Bomber wrecks were fewer but more expensive. The B-17 and B-24 averaged 30
and 35 accidents per 100,000 flight hours respectively-- a horrific figure
considering that from 1980 to 2000 the Air Force's major mishap rate was
less than 2.

The B-29 was even worse at 40 per 100,000 hours; the world's most
sophisticated, most capable and most expensive bomber was too urgently
needed to be able to stand down for mere safety reasons.

(Compare:when a $2.1 billion B-2 crashed in 2008, the Air Force declared a
two-month "safety pause").

The B-29 was no better for maintenance. Although the R3350 was known as a
complicated, troublesome power-plant, only half the mechanics had previous
experience with it.

Navigators:
Perhaps the greatest success story concerned Navigators. The Army graduated
some 50,000 during WW2.

Many had never flown out of sight of land before leaving "Uncle Sugar" for
a war zone. Yet they found their way across oceans and continents without
getting lost or running out of fuel - a tribute to the AAF's training.

At its height in mid-1944, the USAAF had 2.6 million people and nearly
80,000 aircraft of all types.
Today the US Air Force employs 327,000 active personnel (plus 170,000
civilians) with 5,500+ manned and perhaps 200 unmanned aircraft. That's
about 12% of the manpower and 7% of the airplanes of the WW2 peak.

SUMMATION:
Another war like that of 1939-45 is doubtful, as fighters and bombers have
given way to helicopters and remotely-controlled drones, eg. over
Afghanistan and Iraq. But within our living memory, men left the earth in
1,000-plane formations and fought major battles five miles high, leaving a
legacy

This has earned the prize for poetry
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WD 40
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This is a genuine Ad from 1964 when WD-40 was first released.
Their Ad department sure had a delightful way with words. (I doubt you will
see anything similar nowadays.)

Smile
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If this doesn’t make you smile, your smiler's broken.

REVERSE BUCKET LIST!
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 REVERSE BUCKET LIST!

Things I will NOT do before I get old!
Extreme skiing in Wyoming.
Cliff camping.
Skywalking in the Alps.
Climbing Redwoods.
Sitting on the Trolltunga rock in Norway.
Jumping on the Trolltunga rock in Norway.
Rock climbing in South Africa.
Ice climbing a frozen waterfall.
Extreme picnicking.
Skywalking on Mount Nimbus in Canada.
Tree camping in Germany.
Just having a look around.
Extreme kayaking at Victoria Falls ..
Diving 30 meters through a rock monolith in Portugal.
Climbing Mt. Wellington.
Standing on the Edgewalk in Toronto .
Cycling in Norway.
Sitting around at Yosemite.
Walking over a crevice.
Glacier boarding anywhere.
Biking on the Cliffs of Moher.
Fortunately, I am ALREADY old.
I didn't get here by being stupid!

Had it All

 I talked to a homeless man this morning and asked him how he ended up this
way.
  He said, "Up until last week, I still had it all. I had plenty to eat, my
clothes were washed and pressed, I had a roof over my head, I had TV and
Internet, and I went to the gym, the pool, and the library.
  I was working on my MBA on-line.I had no bills and no debt. I even had
full medical and dental coverage."
  I felt sorry for him, so I asked, "What happened?Drugs? Alcohol?
Divorce?"
  "Oh no, nothing like that," he said."No, no.
  I just got out of prison."

Something's Not Right
 Click here

The cat that got too close for comfort
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here

 A curious wild cat got up close and personal with a holidaymaker on safari
in Kenya when the animal jumped into the back seat of a jeep

 After entering the vehicle, it slowly sauntered over to holidaymaker
Mickey McCaldin until it was barely a foot away from his face.

 Family friend David Horsey captured the tense standoff between the pair as
it looked like the cheetah was going to make himself comfortable on
Mickey's lap.

 David, 62 from Mombasa, Kenya, said: 'I've been living in Kenya all my
life and I've never seen anything like this.

 'The cheetah just wasn't scared of getting up close and personal. At first
Mickey was really relaxed but I think he was quite concerned it might try
and sit in his lap.

 'Unlike a domestic cat, you certainly don't want that.'

 At first, the cheetah simply looked at Irish tourist Mickey McCaldin
curiously, but then it moved closer as if to curl up on his lap

 At one point, the large cat was so close to Mickey that it was only about
a foot away from his face

 Family friend David Horsey captured the tense standoff between the pair,
including the moment that the animal lept into the safari jeep

 Making himself comfortable: The cheeky cheetah and his family casually
lounged atop the group's Land Cruiser jeep

 David captured the pictures on June 12, as the group tracked a well-known
family of cheetahs, whose mother is called Malaika.

 Having followed them for a couple of days previously, they observed that
the family hadn't had a kill for several days.

 David said: 'The family had been looking for a gazelle for a few days with
no luck.

 'As we'd been around for a couple of days, I think they were used to the
jeep so the mum jumped on top to get a better view.

 'I think the other cheetah tried to follow her up but went a different
way.

 'Once it had got bored of Mickey it turned away and looked out of the
vehicle for a few minutes.

 'It just jumped out afterwards.'

 Photographer David, 62 from Mombasa, Kenya, said: 'I've been living in
Kenya all my life and I've never seen anything like this'

 The incredible pictures were taken on June 12, as the group tracked a
well-known family of cheetahs, whose mother is called Malaika

 The group was a bit nervous after learning that the cheetah family hadn't
had a kill for several days and were likely hungry

 David explained: 'I think they were used to the jeep so the mum jumped on
top to get a better view'

 While at first Mickey was quite relaxed, the group quickly became
concerned that the cat may decide to snuggle up next to him

 Surprise of their lives! The safari group was comprised of a guide, as
well as Mickey, his wife, sister, photographer David and David's wife

 Mickey was out on holiday with his wife and sister, who are friends of
David and his wife Vicky.

 David said: 'Me and Vicky have lived in Kenya all our lives but we never
feel the urge to leave.

 'People always ask us where we're going on holiday and it's always around
the game reserves.

 'You never know what you're going to come across - just like this.'

Newfie Fisherman
 Click here

 Here's one that's both funny and probably true  Business men will
appreciate.
The Canada Department of Employment believed a boat owner wasn't paying
proper wages to his help. An agent was sent to the fishing village of Burin
to investigate the boat owner.
GOVT AGENT: "I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them".
Boat Owner: "Well, there's Clarence, my hired hand. He's been with me for 3
years.
I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board.
Then there's the mentally challenged guy.
He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of the work around
here.
He makes about $10 per week, and pays his own room and board.
I buy him a bottle of Lamb's rum and a dozen Labatt Lite every Sat*rday
night so he can cope with life.
Also, he gets to sleep with my wife occasionally".
GOVT AGENT: "That's the guy I want to talk to - the mentally challenged
one".
Boat Owner: "That'll be me. What'd you want to know?"

Morning Funnies
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here

CHICKENS - At Long Last .. the answer!
 Click here
  And that, my friends, is why the chicken crossed the road.

A Message from Her Majesty the Queen
 Click here
A MESSAGE FROM HER MAJESTY THE QUEEN

To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty
Queen Elizabeth II. In light of your failure to nominate competent
candidates for President of the USA, and thus to govern yourselves, we
hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective
immediately. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume
monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except
North Dakota, which she does not fancy). Our new Prime Minister, Theresa
May, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further
elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may
be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in
the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are
introduced with immediate effect:
-----------------------
1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,'
'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut'
without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced
by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your
vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').
------------------------
2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such
as 'like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of
communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let
Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted
to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of
'-ize.'
-------------------
3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
-----------------
4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers,
or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows
that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for
shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or
speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.
----------------------
5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more
dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if
you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
----------------------
6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start
driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will
go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion
tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the
British sense of humour.
--------------------
7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been
calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.
-------------------
8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries
are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are
properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and
dressed not with catsup, but with vinegar.
-------------------
9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually
beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as
beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance, will be referred
to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for
pound the greatest sporting nation on earth, and it can only be due to the
beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for
them.
---------------------
10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good
guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play
English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialect in
Four Weddings and a Funeral, was an experience akin to having one's ears
removed with a cheese grater.
---------------------
11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of
proper football ..... you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will,
in time, be allowed to play rugby, which has some similarities to American
football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or
wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).
---------------------
12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host
an event called the World Series for a game, which is not played outside of
America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your
borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will
let you face the South Africans first, to take the sting out of their
deliveries.
--------------------
13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
-----------------
14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's
Government will be with you shortly, to ensure the acquisition of all
monies due, backdated to 1776.
---------------
15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with
saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits, and cakes, plus
strawberries and cream, when in season. God Save the Queen!

The "Y" Chromosome
 Click here

 THE 'Y' CHROMOSOME
 People born before 1946 are called -
 The Greatest Generation.
 People born between 1946 and 1964 are called -
 The Baby Boomers.
 People born between 1965 and 1989 are called -
 Generation X.
 And people born between 1990 and 2016 are called -
 Generation Y.
 Why do we call the last group -Generation Y ?
 Y should I get a job?
 Y should I leave home and find my own place?
 Y should I get a car when I can borrow yours?
 Y should I clean my room?
 Y should I wash and iron my own clothes?
 Y should I buy any food?
 But perhaps a cartoonist explained  it most eloquently below...
 Just thought you might want to know "Y"  Now share and inform someone else
because, they may not know "Y"

Only the British
 Click here Click here

Wee Day Out
 Click here Click here

A Proud Little Ship (They made a Movie about Her)
 Click here

The USCGC Tamaroa, a World War II Navy fleet tug (USS Zuni) turned Coast
Guard cutter, famed for rescues from Iwo Jima (World War II), to New
England, could not be rescued from old age. A 10-year restoration effort
ran out of money and time, and soon the cutter is to be sunk, on an
artificial fishing reef site, close to New Jersey and Delaware.

In 1991, the USCGC Tamaroa was already one of the oldest ships in the Coast
Guard, when its crew rescued sailors and the crew of a downed helicopter,
in the so-called perfect Storm of October 1991. The 205 feet x 39 feet x 18
feet vessel, commissioned as the USS Zuni in 1943, and acquired by the
Coast Guard in 1946, has a storied history, from service in the Pacific
War, to numerous search and rescue operations in the Northeast, including
the sinking of the ocean liner MV Andrea Doria, in 1956.

The USCGC Tamaroa  fame in both Coast Guard lore and popular culture, was
born of the 1991 Halloween storm, a giant hybrid system with effects from
the mid-Atlantic U.S. coast to the Grand Banks. On Oct. 26, the Coast Guard
First District command centre, received a distress call relayed by a
freighter, from the SV Satori, a 32 foot sailing yacht, with three persons
on board, en route from Portsmouth, New Hampshire, to Bermuda. Nearly 50
years old at the time, the USCGC Tamaroa plowed through mounting seas, as
Coast Guard aircraft circled the sailboat. The single-screw cutter was
powered by four General Motors 12-278 diesels, turning Allis Chalmers
generators for four electric motors, with a total 3,010 hp.

The USCGC Tamaroa 18 feet draft and 10 feet freeboard, helped handle seas
building past 30 feet. At the scene, the cutter captain Commander Larry
Brudnicki tried to evacuate the SV Satori crew, but the sea conditions were
too much for his ship rigid hull inflatable boat. A helicopter lowered it
rescue swimmer, to pick up the sailors, and flew them to Cape Cod.
Meanwhile, a New York Air National Guard HH-60 helicopter on another rescue
mission for the doomed long line fishing vessel SV Andrea Gail, had been
unable to make a mid-air refuelling, and ditched 90 miles south of Montauk,
New York. Coast Guard air crews located the fliers, but winds up to 100 mph
made a helicopter hoist impossible. After a four-hour steam the USCGC
Tamaroa arrived, and began a two-hour struggle to retrieve the airmen, as
the cutter rolled through 110 degrees, with wave tops over the ship.

Coast Guard historian William Thiesen described the scene: reen water
regularly swept USCGC Tamaroa deck, swamping her deck crew. Meanwhile, the
engineering crew worked feverishly to keep the 50-year-old power plant
running. A breakdown during this critical point, especially with only one
screw, would prove disastrous. With the National Guard aircrew fighting for
their lives in the boiling water, Brudnicki tried several times to position
the cutter up sea of the men, and drift down on them for the rescue. After
two hours, USCGC Tamaroa succeeded in manoeuvring next to the hypothermic
aircrew, while the deck gang dropped a scramble net over the cutter side.
By pulling the net up in sync with the cutter severe roll, the Tam crew
retrieved one airman, and then pulled up a group of three others. The
downed H-60 para-rescueman, Rick Smith, was never found despite a massive
search effort, later mounted to locate him.

The USCGC Tamaroa rescue would become a key scene in he Perfect Storm,
Sebastian Junger bestselling book, about the loss of the SV Andrea Gail,
and the 2000 movie of the same name. In the screen version, filmmakers
portrayed the USCGC Tamaroa as a modern ship, sleek as an Aegis missile
destroyer. The real USCGC Tamaroa was showing it age soon after the rescue.
Faced with a potential $1 million overhaul, the Coast Guard decided to
retire the vessel. It was acquired by the non profit USS Zuni Maritime
Foundation, which began a decade-long effort to restore the vessel to it
World War II Navy condition. But costs mounted beyond the group
fundraising.

In May 2012, while awaiting a dry docking in Norfolk, Virginia, the vessel
began leaking, flooding the engine room, and leading to the discovery of
more leaks in the corroded hull. Rather than scr*pping, the USCGC Tamaroa
was held for use in New Jersey and Delaware shared artificial reef, a fate
that allows old vessels to live on in a sense, as fish havens and
destinations for fishing and recreational diving. Delaware is taking the
lead on the USCGC Tamaroa deployment, but there no date set as yet for the
sinking, said Joanna Wilson, a spokeswoman for the state Department of
Natural Resources and Environmental Control.

New Jersey stepped up it reef additions this year, after a five-year pause
over disputes, between recreational and commercial manoeuvring fishermen
using the reefs. The U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service weighed in by
withholding federal grant money, raised by excise taxes on recreational
fishing gear and boat fuel, after hearing complaints that commercial trap
gear impeded anglers access to reefs. A long-sought compromise this year
allows commercial use on portions of two reefs in New Jersey state waters,
and renewed reef building. That freed up $119,250 in federal funding, to
help with towing, and other costs of sinking old vessels.

Links & Photos
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

Silence of the Hams (1994 Movie)
 Click here

Naked Space (1983 Movie)
 Click here

Archery Shots
 Click here

Piano in the Arctic
 Click here

Golf Ball at 150MPH
 Click here

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[ End friday humour ]

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