Friday humour - October 28, 2016



This week's illustrious Friday Humour comes to you from: Arfermo, Duke of
Barsinov, GROPWO, Haz, Seasoldier, Wally and Whizzbang.

Enjoy, folks!!!

“Humor is a serious thing. I like to think of it as one of our greatest
earliest natural resources, which must be preserved at all cost.”

- James Thurber

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A MESSAGE FROM THE QUEEN


To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty
Queen Elizabeth II.

In light of your failure to nominate competent candidates for President of
the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the
revocation of your independence, effective immediately.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties
over all states, Theresa May will appoint a Governor for America without
the need for further elections.
Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.  A questionnaire may be
circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules
are introduced with immediate effect:
-----------------------
1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,'
'labour' and 'neighbour.'  Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut'
without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced
by the suffix '-ise.'  Generally, you will be expected to raise your
vocabulary to acceptable levels.  (look up 'vocabulary').
------------------------
2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such
as
''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of
communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English.  We will let
Microsoft know on your behalf.  The Microsoft spell-checker will be
adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the
elimination of
'-ize.'
-------------------
3.  July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
-----------------
4.  You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers,
or therapists.  The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows
that you're not quite ready to be independent.  Guns should only be used
for shooting grouse.   If you can't sort things out without suing someone
or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.
----------------------
5.  Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more
dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if
you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
----------------------
6.  All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start
driving on the left side with immediate effect.  At the same time, you will
go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion
tables.  Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the
British sense of humour.
--------------------
7.  The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been
calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon.  Get used to it.
-------------------
8.  You will learn to make real chips.  Those things you call French fries
are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are
properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and
dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
-------------------
9.  The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually
beer at all.  Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as
beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred
to as Lager.  South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for
pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the
beer.  They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for
them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so
that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
---------------------
10.  Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good
guys.  Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play
English characters.  Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialect in
Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears
removed with a cheese grater.
---------------------
11.  You will cease playing American football.  There is only one kind of
proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in
time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American
football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or
wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).
---------------------
12.  Further, you will stop playing baseball.  It is not reasonable to host
an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of
America.  Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your
borders, your error is understandable.  You will learn cricket, and we will
let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their
deliveries.
--------------------
13.  You must tell us who killed JFK.  It's been driving us mad.
-----------------
14.  An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's
Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies
due (backdated to 1776).
---------------
15.  Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with
saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes;
plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

God Save the Queen!

PS:  Only share this with friends who have a good sense of humour (NOT
humor)!

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Bono in Scotland

Love the Scots!

Bono, lead singer of the rock band U2, is famous throughout the
entertainment industry for being more than just a little self-righteous.

At a recent U2 concert in Glasgow, Scotland, he asked the audience for
total quiet. Then, in the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands,
once every few seconds.

Holding the audience in total silence, he said into the microphone,
"Everytime I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies."

A voice with a broad Scottish accent from the front of the crowd pierced
the quiet...

"Well, foockin stop doin' it then, ya evil bastard!"

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Still funny after many years
:
 Click here
of-send-in-the-clowns-into-trump-parody-with-lyrics/


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Orchard worker

A man applying for a job at a Mildura Lemon Orchard seemed to be far too
qualified for the job.

The foreman frowned and said, "I have to ask you this: Have you had any
actual experience in picking lemons?"

He replied: "I've been divorced three times, bought a  Leyland P76, a Beta
video player and took up all the Telstra floats. voted for the State Labor
Party.  Then I voted for Kevin Rudd and Julia Gillard."

"How am I doing so far?"

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True Fishing Story

I swear that this is a true Bundy Rum Fishing Story...

BUNDY RUM (Bundaberg Rum)... Queensland 's famous product!    Forget
Jamaica  or any other rubbish!  (For you o/seas people..a King Brown is one
of the deadliest snakes on earth. Out of the world's top 10,  Australia has
5)

I finally got around to going fishing this morning but after a while I ran
out of worms.

Then I saw a King Brown with a frog in his mouth, and frogs are good bass
bait.
Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth, I grabbed
him right behind the head, took the frog and put it in my bait bucket.

Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bitten.

I grabbed my bottle of Bundaberg rum and poured a little rum in its mouth.
His eyes rolled back, he went limp, I released him into the lake without
incident, and carried on my fishing with the frog.

A little later I felt a nudge on my foot.

There was that same snake with two frogs in his mouth.


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Today's Joke: The Secret to a Happy Marriage

A traveller once visited a small village in the countryside. At the local
bar, someone asked him if he was married. "I'm divorced, actually. Never
could find a woman I didn't end up fighting with all the time," he replied.

The local man said: "Then you should go talk to the old couple that lives
on the hill outside the village. Rumour has it that they've been married
over 60 years and they've never fought this whole time."

"What?? That's impossible! Everyone has fights!" Exclaimed the traveller.
But the local swore to him it was the truth and nothing but.
The traveller just had to check it out, and in the morning he knocked on
the door of the little house on the hill and was immediately welcomed by
the husband, who invited him in for tea. After the traveller explained why
he came to see him, the man smiled and nodded.
"It's true. We never fight."
"PLEASE," begged the traveller, "can you tell me your secret?"
"Well," said the old man, "it all started about 60 years ago, right after
the wedding. We were riding our mule back to town and walking it down the
street when it tripped over a stone and my wife said to him: 'That's one.'
"We kept riding and he tripped again on another stone, which made my wife
immediately say: 'That's two.'
"Two minutes later, the mule trips over a stone again. My wife said:'That's
three.' She pulled out a gun I never knew she had and shot it in the head
without thinking twice! I was shocked and yelled at her: 'What the heck do
you think you're doing? We needed that mule! Are you crazy?!'

"My wife looked me straight in the eye and said: 'That's one.'
"And we haven't had a fight since."

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Johnny Walker commercial .... must watch!!!

 Click here
 target=_blank>Click here

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Tinkle, tinkle

A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked
robber ran out of a bank and shot her three times in the stomach.

Somehow, the babies all survived. The surgeon decided to leave the bullets
in because it was too risky to operate. She gave birth to two healthy
daughters and a healthy son.

All was fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the room in
tears. 'What's wrong?' asked the mother. 'I was taking a tinkle and this
bullet came out,' replied the daughter.

The mother told her it was okay and explained what happened 16 years ago.
About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in tears. 'Mom,
I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out.' Again the mother told her
not to worry and explained what happened 16 years ago.

A week later her son walked into the room in tears. 'It's okay' said the
Mom, 'I know what happened. You were taking a tinkle and a bullet came
out.'

'No,' said the boy, 'I was playing with myself and I shot the dog.'


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Spanish Computer

A Spanish language teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish,
unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

"House" for instance, is feminine:     "la casa."
"Pencil," however, is masculine:       "el lapiz.
A student asked, "What gender is 'Computer'?"

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher divided the class into two
groups,
Male and Female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether "Computer"
should be a masculine or a feminine noun.
Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.
The men's group decided that  "Computer" should definitely be of the
feminine gender ("la computadora"),  because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is
incomprehensible to everyone  else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible
later retrieval; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half
your paycheck to buy accessories for it.

(THIS GETS  BETTER!)

The women's group, however,  concluded that computers should be masculine
("el computador"),  because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE
the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one,  you realize that if you had waited a
little longer, you could have got a better model.

The women won.
Send this to all the smart women you know...
And to all the men that have a sense of humour.

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A new medical breakthrough

A couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.
Upon their arrival, the doctor said that the hospital was testing an
amazing new high-tech machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's
labor pain to the baby's father. He asked if they were interested. Both
said they were very much in favor of it.
The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even
10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.
But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to
go ahead and kick it up a notch.
The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was
still feeling fine. The doctor then checked the husband's blood pressure
and was amazed at how well he was doing.
At this point they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel
quite well.
Since the pain transfer was obviously helping the wife considerably, the
husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.
The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain and the husband
had experienced none. She and her husband were ecstatic.
When they got home they found the mailman dead on the porch.


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Rabbi's wife

A Rabbi's wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the congregation
and asked for a raise.  After much discussion, they passed a rule that
whenever the Rabbi's family expanded, so would his paycheck.

After six children, this started to get expensive, and the congregation
decided to hold another meeting to discuss the Rabbi's expanding salary.

A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued, as to how much the
Rabbi's additional children were costing the shul, and how much more it
could potentially cost.

After listening to them for about an hour, the Rabbi rose from his chair
and spoke, "Children are a gift from God and we will take as many gifts as
He gives us."

Silence fell on the congregation.

In the back of the shul, little old Mrs. Goldberg struggled to stand, and
finally said in her frail voice, "RAIN is also a gift from God, but when we
get too much of it, we wear rubbers!"

The entire congregation said, "Amen!"

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The Clintons at the ball game

Bill and Hillary are at a Yankees home game, sitting in the first row, with
the Secret Service people directly behind them.
One of the Secret Service guys leans forward and whispers something to
Bill.
At first, Clinton stares at the guy, looks at Hillary, looks back at the
agent, and shakes his head "no". The agent then says, "Mr. President, it
was a unanimous request of the entire team, from the owner of the team to
the bat boy."
Bill hesitates ... but begins to change his mind when the agent tells him
the fans would love it! Bill shrugs his shoulders and says, "Ho-Kay! If
that is what the people want. C'mere Hilly baby..." With that, Bill gets
up,
grabs Hillary by her collar and the seat of her pants, lifts her up, and
tosses her right over the wall onto the field.
She gets up kicking, swearing, screaming, "Bill you"!$#@&!". The crowd goes
absolutely wild. Fans are jumping up and down, cheering, hooting and
hollering, and high-fiving. Bill is bowing, smiling and waving to the
crowd.
He leans over to the agent and says, "How about that; I would have never
believed how much everyone would enjoy that!"
Noticing the agent has gone totally pale, he asks what is wrong.
The agent replies, "Sir, I said they want you to throw out the first
'pitch'."

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Adoption

A couple who work at the circus go to an adoption agency to arrange an
adoption.

Social workers there raised doubts about their suitability to adopt.

The couple produces photos of their 50 foot motor-home, which is equipped
with a beautiful nursery.

The social workers then are doubtful about the education that the child
would get.

"We've arranged for a full-time tutor who will teach the child all the
usual subjects along with Spanish, French and computer skills."

Then there are doubts about raising a child in a circus environment.

"Our nanny is an expert in paediatric welfare and diet."

The social workers are finally satisfied.

They ask, "What age child are you hoping to adopt?"

"It doesn't really matter, as long as he fits in the cannon."

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Killer clowns

 Click here

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DANCING TO IRVING BERLIN IN RUSSIA. A BEAUTIFUL PERFORMANCE!


The  dancing is filmed(26Feb 2012) on Moscow's "overlook" in  Sparrow
Hills. Looking down from the "overlook," you see the largest  stadium in
Russia (140K capacity).  The ski jump is for  practice and training - if
you make a mistake, you end up in the  river below.  The church at the end
opposite to the ski  jump is Holy Trinity Russian Orthodox Church.  The
large  building on the opposite side of the road beside the overlook is 
the
Moscow State University and the top of the tall center tower  has one of
the
Kremlin stars. Try and not smile as you watch this  - you will. It is a
nice, gentle clip.  "Putting on the  Ritz," in Moscow, no less!  What a
crazy, delightful, ever  changing world!  Who could have thought that in
2012 young  people in Moscow would put on a "flash mob" happening, dancing
to an 83 year old American song, written by a Russian born  American Jew.
(Irving Berlin)?  Sound  ON!  Enjoy...

 Click here


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Fabulous Fifties -when we were young.

Best line is "We weren't always Grandma and Grandpa."
A good eight minutes of picture memories and best of all the music is by
Buddy Holly.
Fabulous Fifties --Love it!
This must bring back a memory or two or three, if you were a teenager in
the wonderful '50's  --  & early '60's.
What a GREAT time to grow up!!
 Click here
o

While on the Click here web site take some time and explore the

site as there is a lot of content you may like - click on the logo or any
of the 5 tabs e.g. "Music".
The "More" tab gives a menu with 6 choices.

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Say no more

 Click here

Say no more - he's after the birds as usual.

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Plastic?

 Click here

Not to be outdone by England bringing out a new £5 note Scotland are proud
to present their new £5. 

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The Engagement Ring

A balding, white haired man walked into a jewellery store this past
Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side. He told the
jeweller he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweller looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.
The man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'
At that statement, the jeweller went to his special stock and brought
another ring over. 'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000the jeweller
said.
The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.
The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.'
The jeweller asked how payment would be made and the man stated,
'By cheque. I know you need to make sure my cheque is good, so I'll write
it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds; I'll pick the
ring up
Monday afternoon.'
On Monday morning, the jeweller angrily phoned the old man and said
'Sir...There's no money in that account.
''I know,' said the old man...'But let me tell you about my weekend.'
Not All Seniors Are Senile...

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Thought you'd like this!

 Click here

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Newfoundland declares war on the USA

Surprise ending makes it worth the read !!! LOL,Marilyn

President Barack Obama was in the Oval Office when his telephone rang.

"Hallo, President Obama " a heavily accented voice said. "This is Archie,
up
'ere at the Harp Seal Pub in Badger's Cove , Newfoundland , Canada , eh? I
am callin' to tells ya dat we are officially declaring war on ya!"

"Well Archie," Barack replied, "This is indeed important news ! How big is
your army ?"

"Right now," said Archie, after a moments calculation "there is myself, me
cousin Harold , me next-door-neighbor Mick, and the whole dart team from
the pub. That makes eight!"

Barack paused. "I must tell you Archie that I have one million men in my
army waiting to move on my command."

"Wow," said Archie. "I'll have ta call ya back!"

The next day, Archie called again. "Mr. Obama , the war is still on! We
have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!"

"And what equipment would that be Archie?" Barack asked.

"Well sir, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Harry's farm tractor."

President Obama sighed. "I must tell you Archie, that I have 16,000 tanks
and 14,000 armored personnel carriers. Also I've increased my army to one
and a half million since we last spoke."

"Lord above", said Archie, "I'll be getting back to ya."

Sure enough, Archie rang again the next day..

"President Obama , the war is still on! We have managed to git ourselves
airborne! We up an' modified Harrigan's ultra-light wit a couple of
shotguns in the c*ckpit, and four boys from the Legion have joined us as
well!"

Barack was silent for a minute then cleared his throat.

"I must tell you Archie that I have 10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter
planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air
missile sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to TWO
MILLION!"

"Jumpins," said Archie, "l'll have ta call youse back."

Sure enough, Archie called again the next day.

"President Obama ! I am sorry to have to tell you dat we have had to call
off dis 'ere war."

"I'm sorry to hear that" said Barack . "Why the sudden change of heart?"

Well, sir," said Archie, "we've all sat ourselves down and had a long chat
over a bunch of pints, and come to realize dat dere's no way we can feed
two million prisoners.."

CANADIAN CONFIDENCE CANNOT BE SHAKEN


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During the Night

 Click here

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Sister-in-Law

 Click here

John told his wife, "I've got a problem."

She stopped him right there, cold in his tracks. "No dear, WE have a
problem. We're in this together John.

We married for better or for worse. Therefore, your problem is our
problem."

John sighed in relief. "Well, now it's hardly worth mentioning."

But his wife was insistent. "Go ahead John tell me. What's wrong?"

John answered, "Somehow, we got your sister pregnant!"

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Links & Photos

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here

Links & Photos

Obama's Resume

 Click here

XXX

Toot, Toot

 Click here

XXX


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Links & Photos

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

Links & Photos

Customer's $5,000 Accident

 Click here

XXX

How to Pour Motor Oil Correctly (Brilliant)

 Click here

XXX

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Original vs Improvement

 Click here Click here Click here Click here


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Clever outfit

 Click here


The  shortest video email I have ever sent... 15 seconds.

Very  clever but also funny.

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These are NOT photographs

 Click here

Pure magic, oh to be so talented.  Enjoy!!

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[ End friday humour ]

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