Friday humour - October 21, 2016

 From Burnout @ Bluehaze:
This weeks contributions are from….. Haz….. and  a  couple of other
regulars.

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From: Haz
Subject: bitch

The missus was watching a cookery program the other day.
I said, "What you watching that for? You can't cook."
She said, "You watch porn."

Bitch.

Subject: The Irish Wrestler

A Russian and an Irish wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic gold
medal. Before the final match, the Irish wrestler's trainer came to him and
said 'Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's
never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has. Whatever you do, 
do not let him get you in that hold! If he does, you're finished.'

The Irishman nodded in acknowledgement.

As the match started, the Irishman and the Russian circled each other
several times, looking for an opening. All of a sudden, the Russian lunged
forward, grabbing the Irishman and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel
hold. A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the trainer buried
his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost.. He couldn't watch the
inevitable happen.

Suddenly, there was a Long, High Pitched Scream, then a cheer from the
crowd and the trainer raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go
flying up in the air. His back hit the mat with a thud and the Irishman
collapsed on top of him, making the pin and winning the match.

The trainer was astounded. When he finally got his wrestler alone, he asked
'How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!'

The wrestler answered 'Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that
hold but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of
testicles right in front of my face. I had nothing to lose so with my last
ounce of strength, I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as
hard as I could.'

The trainer exclaimed 'That's what finished him off?'

'Not really. You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own
nuts.

Subject: Shaggy Dog Story

As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop, he sees $10 and a note in his
mouth, reading, "8 lamb chops, please."
Amazed, he takes the money, puts a  bag of chops in the dog's mouth and
quickly closes the shop.
He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways
and trot across the road to a bus-stop.
The  dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench.
When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front, looks at the number, then
 boards the bus.
The butcher follows, dumbstruck.  As the bus  travels out into the suburbs,
the dog takes in the scenery.
After a while he stands on his back paws, pushes the "stop" bell and gets
off.   The butcher follows.
The dog runs up  to a house, drops his bag on the steps and barks
repeatedly.  No answer.
He goes back down the path, takes  a big run and throws himself, whap,
against the door. He does this over and over.   No answer.
So he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, barks  repeatedly at a
window, jumps off, and waits at the front door.
Eventually, a small guy opens it and starts cursing and shouting at the
dog.
The butcher runs up screaming at the guy: "What the  hell are you doing? 
Stop screaming at the dog....hes a  effing genius!"
The owner responds, "Genius, my ar*e.  It's the second time this week he's
forgotten his key!"

Subject: Light British humour

I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next cr*p could spell
disaster.
------------------------------
Went out last night and got really drunk.
I woke up this morning next to a big fat dolly bird who was snoring and
farting ... so, at least I got home OK.
------------------------------
The wife's back on the warpath again.
She was up for making a home video last night and all I did was suggest we
should hold auditions for her part.
------------------------------
Angela Merkel arrives at Passport Control in Athens airport.
"Nationality?" asks the immigration officer.
"German," she replies.
"Occupation?
"No, just here for a few days."
------------------------------
As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a Parking Officer's
funeral, a voice from inside screams: "I'm not dead, I'm not dead. Let me
out!"
The Vicar smiles, leans forward, sucking air through his teeth and mutters,
"Too late, mate, the paperwork's already done."
------------------------------
I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night.
Or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.
------------------------------
After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the missus were
going to commit suicide together yesterday.
Strangely enough, however, once she killed herself I started to feel a lot
better.
So I thought - sod it, I'll soldier on.
------------------------------
I woke up this morning at 8am and could sense something was wrong.
I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not 
breathing!
I panicked. I didn't know what to do.
Then I remembered – the local cafe serves breakfast until 11.30.
------------------------------
"Jesus Loves You."
Nice to hear in church but not in a Mexican prison.
------------------------------
Got caught having a p*ss in the local swimming pool today.
The lifeguard shouted at me so loud I nearly fell in.
------------------------------
I woke to go to the toilet in the middle of the night and noticed a Muslim
sneaking through next door's garden.
Suddenly my neighbour came from nowhere and smacked him over the head with
a shovel killing him instantly. He then began to dig a grave with the
shovel.
Astonished, I got back into bed.
My wife said "Darling, you're shaking, what is it?"
"You'll never believe what I've just seen!" I said, "That tosser next door
has still got my bloody shovel."
------------------------------
A man is seeking to join the Glasgow Police force. The Sergeant doing the
interview says: "Your qualifications all look good, but there is an
attitude suitability test that you must take before you can be accepted."
Then, sliding a pistol and a box of ammo across the desk, he says:
"Take this pistol and go out and shoot six illegal immigrants, six drug
dealers, six Muslim extremists, and a rabbit"
The man being interviewed asks, "Why the rabbit?"
"Excellent" says the Sergeant. "When can you start?

Subject: Aussie Farmhand - (you may not This One!!! not PC)

A  Northern Territory  farm hand (An Aboriginal) radios back to the farm
manager.

'Boss, I gotta helluva problem here.. I hit a pig with the ute.
The pig's OK, but he's stuck in the bullbars at the front of my ute and is
wriggling and squealing so much I can't get him out.'
The manager says,'Ok, there's a ...303  Rifle behind the seat.
Take it, shoot the pig in the head and you'll be able to remove him.'
Five minutes later the farm hand calls back, 'I did what you said boss.
Took the 303, shot the pig in the head and removed him from the bull-bars.
No problem there, but I still can't go on'.
'Now what's the problem?' raged the Manager.
'Well boss, it's his motor-bike. The flashing blue light is stuck under the
right-front wheel arch.'

................ You there Boss?

Subject: Attitude

An elderly couple walked into the lobby of the Mayo Clinic for a checkup
for his wife.
They spotted a piano in the lobby and thought, why not!
They've been married for 62 years and he'll be 90 this year. Check out this
impromptu performance.
It's all in your attitude!
Enjoy the show and enjoy life!!
 Click here 


Subject: Jet Black

Disney's new film called "JET BLACK" - the world's first aboriginal version
of "Snow White" - has been put on hold due to an industrial dispute.
All 7 Aboriginal dwarfs, Dealer, Stealer, Mugger, Carjacker, Shoplifter,
Drinker and Bludger, have walked off the set after refusing to sing the "Hi
Ho!" song.

All 7 are insisting that they have no f***ing intention of singing "It's
off to work we go."

Subject: Donald and Hillary

Someone has too much time on their hands …………
BRILLIANT
 Click here 


Subject: A modern Parable

Maybe there is a moral to this story for Australian manufacture!!!

A Japanese company (Toyota) and an American company (General Motors)
decided to have a canoe race on the Missouri River . Both teams practiced
long and hard to reach their peak performance before the race.
On the big day, the Japanese won by a mile .
The Americans, very discouraged and depressed, decided to investigate the
reason for the crushing defeat. A management team made up of senior
management was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action.
Their conclusion was the Japanese had 8 people paddling and 1 person
steering, while the American team had 7 people steering and 2 people
paddling.
Feeling a deeper study was in order, American management hired a consulting
company and paid them a large amount of money for a second opinion.
They advised, of course, that too many people were steering the boat, while
not enough people were paddling.
Not sure of how to utilise that information, but wanting to prevent another
loss to the Japanese, the paddling team's management structure was totally
reorganised to 4 steering supervisors, 2 area steering superintendents and
1 assistant superintendent steering manager.
They also implemented a new performance system that would give the 2 people
paddling the boat greater incentive to work harder. It was called the
'Rowing Team Quality First Program,' with meetings, dinners and free pens
for the paddlers. There was discussion of getting new paddles, canoes and
other equipment, extra vacation days for practices, and bonuses. The
pension program was trimmed to 'equal the competition' and some of the
resultant savings were channelled into morale boosting programs and
teamwork posters.
The next year the Japanese won by two miles.
Humiliated, the American management laid off one paddler, halted
development of a new canoe, sold all the paddles, and cancelled all capital
investments for new equipment. The money saved was distributed to the
Senior Executives as bonuses.

The next year, try as he might, the lone designated paddler was unable to
even finish the race (having no paddles), so he was laid off for
unacceptable performance, all canoe equipment was sold and the next year's
racing team was out-sourced to India.
Sadly, the End.
Here's something else to think about: GM has spent the last thirty years
moving all its factories out of the US, claiming they can't make money
paying American wages.
TOYOTA has spent the last thirty years building more than a dozen plants
inside the US. The last quarter's results:

TOYOTA makes 4 billion in profits while GM rack s up 9 billion in losses.
GM folks are still scratching their heads, and collecting bonuses...

IF THIS WEREN'T SO TRUE IT MIGHT BE FUNNY

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From: Nottingham Smithie
Subject: Some simple truths

SIMPLE TRUTH  1:
Lovers help each other undress before s*x.
However after s*x, they always dress on their own.

Moral of the story -- In life, no one helps you once you're screwed.

SIMPLE TRUTH  2:
When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch the stomach and say,
"Congrats".
But, none of them comes up to the man - touches his penis and says, "Good
job".

Moral of the story -- Hard work is rarely appreciated.

FIVE RULES TO REMEMBER IN LIFE:

1. Money cannot buy happiness - but it's far more comfortable to cry in a
Porsche than on a bicycle.

2. Forgive your enemy - but remember the as*hole's name.

3. If you help someone when they're in trouble - they will remember you
when they're in trouble again.

4. Alcohol does not solve any problems - but then neither does milk.

AND MY PERSONAL FAVOURITE...

5. Many people are alive only because it's illegal to shoot them.

BONUS RULE:

Condoms do not guarantee safe s*x.

A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman's husband.

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From: Seasoldier
Subject: Black Bra Event    (as told by a woman)

I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends.

One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years.

We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by
greeting them at the door wearing a black brassiere, stiletto heels and a
mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes.

Here's how it all went.

My engaged friend:

The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black
leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask.

He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams...I love you.' Then we
made passionate love all night long.

The mistress:

Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a
raincoat, under it only the black brassiere,
heels and mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a
word, but he started to tremble and we had wild s*x all night.

Then I had to share my story:

When my husband came home I was wearing the black brassiere, black
stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes.  When he came in the door and
saw me he said,
(you are going to love this..)

" What's for dinner Zorro"?

Subject:I HAVE PUT YOUR NAME ON A Golf BALL...Mayo & Two Beers

When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, When 24 hours in a
day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar and the 2 Beers.

A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front
of him.

When the class began, he wordlessly picked up a very large and empty
mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls .

He then asked the students if the jar was full.

They agreed that it was.

The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar.
He shook the jar lightly.

The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls.

He then asked the students again if the jar was full.

They agreed it was.

The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar.

Of course, the sand filled up everything else.

He asked once more if the jar was full?

The students responded with a unanimous 'yes.'

The professor then produced two beers from under the table and poured the
entire contents into the jar effectively filling the empty space between
the sand.

The students laughed!

'Now,' said the professor as the laughter subsided, 'I want you to
recognise that this jar represents your life.

The golf balls are the important things--- your family, your children, your
health, your friends and your favourite passions --- and if everything else
was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.

The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job , your house and
your car..

The sand is everything else---the small stuff.

'If you put the sand into the jar first,' he continued, 'there is no room
for the pebbles or the golf balls.

The same goes for life.

If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff you will never
have room for the things that are important to you.

Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness.

Spend time with your children.

Spend time with your parents.

Visit with grandparents.

Take your spouse out to dinner.

Play another 18 holes of golf.

There will always be time to clean the house, fix the disposal or deal with
things from your job.

Take care of the golf balls first---the things that really matter.

Set your priorities.

The rest is just sand.

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the beer represented.

The professor smiled and said, 'I'm glad you asked.'

The beer just shows you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's
always room for a couple of beers with a friend.

Please share this with someone you care about.

I JUST DID!

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From: Whizzbang
Subject: Your smile for the day

A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who
was retiring.
The older doctor suggested that the young one accompany him on his rounds,
so the community could become familiar with the new doctor. At the first
house a woman complains, "I've been a little sick in my stomach." The older
doctor says, "Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Why not
cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the trick?"
As they left, the younger man said, "You didn't even examine that woman?
How'd you come to the diagnosis so quickly?"
"I didn't have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in
there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels
in the waste bin. That was what probably was making her sick."
The younger doctor said "Pretty clever. If you don't mind, I think I'll try
that at the next house."
Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with a
younger woman. She said that she just didn't have the energy she once did
and said, "I'm feeling terribly run down lately."
"You've probably been doing too much for the Church," the younger doctor
told her. "Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps."
As they left, the elder doctor said, "I know that woman well. Your
diagnosis is almost certainly correct, she's very active in the church, but
how did you arrive at it?"
"I did what you did at the last house. I dropped my stethoscope and when I
bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the vicar under the bed."

Subject: A pensioners Holiday

A Travel Agent looked up from his desk to see an old lady and an old
gentleman peering in the shop window at the posters showing the glamorous
destinations around the world.

The agent had had a good week and the dejected couple looking in the window
gave him a rare feeling of generosity.

He called them into his shop ,  "I know that on your pension you could
never hope to have a great holiday, so I am sending you off to a fabulous
resort at my expense and I won't take 'no' for an answer."

He took them inside and asked his secretary to arrange two flight tickets
and book a room in a five star hotel."

Then, as can be expected, they gladly accepted, and were off!

About a month later the little old lady came in to his shop.

"And how did you like your holiday?" he asked eagerly.

"The flight was exciting and the room was lovely," she said. "I've come to
thank you, but one thing puzzled me.
Who was that old bugger I had to share the room with?"

ACTUALLY, SOME OF US ASK THE SAME QUESTION EVERY MORNING!

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From: Arfermo
Subject: Sometimes it's hard to choose the outfit to wear for that special
occasion.
 Click here

Subject: Snotty receptionist
 Click here

An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist who shared an
office with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled with
patients. As he approached the receptionist desk he noticed that the
receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler.
He gave her his name. In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, "YES, I
HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"
All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at
the very embarrassed man. He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud
voice replied, "NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A S*X CHANGE OPERATION, BUT
I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS."

DON'T MESS WITH OLD FOLKS!

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From: Haz
Subject: Finding Serenity
 Click here

Works for Me

Subject: Commitment
 Click here

This is a Testimony to Dedication and Focus:

It was later reported that his wife got out safely,
and that he did indeed par the hole.
He says the divorce isn't going to be that bad,
now that there's no house involved.

Subject: "BENNY HILL IN HOSPITAL"
 Click here

SOUND ON

Subject: Ryanair CEO summarises the global warming debate
 Click here

Subject: The Pregnant Blond

The other day my neighbour, who is blonde, came running up  to me in the
driveway just jumping for joy!
I didn't know why she was jumping for joy. I thought, what the heck, and I
starting jumping up and down along with her.
She said,  Sally,  I have some really great news!" I said, "Great. Tell me
why you're so happy."
She stopped jumping and, breathing heavily from all the jumping up and
down, told me that she was pregnant!
I knew that she had been trying for a while so I told her, "That's great! I
couldn't be happier for you!"
Then she said, "There's more."
I asked, "What do you mean 'more'?"
She said, "Well, we are not having just one baby. We are going to have
twins
Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, I asked her
how she knew. She said...

(You're going to love this!)

That was the easy part. I went to ALDI and they actually had a home
pregnancy kit in a twin-pack. Both tests came out positive!”

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Subject: No S*x After Surgery
 Click here

A recent article in the West Australian newspaper reported that a woman,
Mrs. Maynardo, has sued a Perth Hospital, saying that after her husband had
surgery there he lost all interest in s*x.

A hospital spokesman replied:
"Mr. Maynardo was admitted for cataract surgery.
All we did was correct his eyesight.

Subject: Oh no!

The barber, the customer, the shoe-shine girl.
A fellow sat on the barber's chair "I'll have a shave and a shoe shine...
The barber began to lather his face , while a woman with the biggest,
Firmest, most beautiful real breasts that he had ever seen knelt down
And began to shine his shoes.

The fellow said, "Young lady, you and I should go and spend some
Time in a hotel room."
She replied, "I'm married and my husband wouldn't like that."
The fellow said, "Tell him you're working overtime and I'll pay you the
difference."
She said, "You tell him; you're closer

Subject: Cleaning out the Garage
 Click here

Subject: Pure poetry
 Click here

Subject: IF DOGS WORKED IN OFFICES
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here

Secretary

Subject: THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
 Click here

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From: Wally
Subject: Ryan Lochte News
 Click here Click here

Subject: What is the name of this Sixties Song? (XXX - ED)
 Click here

Answer - Moon River
Sung by Audrey Hepburn in the movie - Breakfast at Tiffanys.
It won the Academy Award for Best Song
 Click here

Subject: Geopolitics of Australia
 Click here

Note: Interesting, but would be better, if they had someone who spoke
English. eg Mar-raay River ... Wally

Subject: Does our new $5 note do the same?
 Click here Click here Click here

Does the new Australian 5 dollar note, do the same, as the new British 5
pound note?
 Click here

Subject: Links & Photos
 Click here

Links & Photos

Walter is Amazing
 Click here

Cutest Koala Bear Ever
 Click here

Kangaroo vs Emus
 Click here

No Thank You (Not Me)
 Click here

Subject: Bunfight at Long Tan 2016
 Click here

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From: Whizzbang
Subject: Hilarious - Kindergarten Parliament
 Click here

Subject:  Gladstone hit the nail on the head
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
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 Click here Click here Click here

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Quote of the Week:
Believe you can and youre halfway there.
- Theodore Roosevelt.

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[ End friday humour ]

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