Friday humour - September 30, 2016



Welcome to Friday Humour, which comes to you this week from Anonymous 3,
Duke of Barsinov, Haz, Nottingham Smithie,
Sack, Seasoldier and Wally.

As Edward G. Bulwer-Lytton said, "Humor is the sunshine of the mind."

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Sounds like a Marine D.I.

Watch the reaction of the bird watching his cage getting remodeled.
 Click here

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19 Places That Actually Exist In Australia

Trawl through for some lovely pictures of amazing landscapes.
 Click here

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Ball and sand wedged

A woman takes a lover home during the day, while her husband is at work.
Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly,
sees them, and hides in the bedroom closet. Then the woman's husband also
comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little
boy is in there already.

The little boy says, 'Dark in here.'

The man says, 'Yes, it is.'

'I have a golf ball.'

Man - 'That's nice.'

Boy - 'Want to buy it?'

Man - 'No, thanks.'

Boy - 'My dad's outside.'

Man - 'OK, how much?'

Boy - '$250'

A few weeks later, it happens again that the boy and the lover, are in the
closet together...

Boy - 'Dark in here.'

Man - 'Yes, it is.'

Boy - 'I have a sand wedge.'

The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy,
'How much?'

Boy - '$750'

Man - 'Sold.'

 A few days later, the boy's father says to the boy,
'Grab your sand wedge and golf ball, let's go outside and have some short
game practice. The boy says, 'I can't, I sold my ball and sand wedge dad.'

The father says, 'What?! How much did you sell them for?'

Boy - '$1,000.'

The father says, 'That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that..
That is far more than those two things cost.
I'm going to take you to church and make you confess.'

They go to the church, and the father makes the little boy sit in the
confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, 'Dark in here.'

The priest says, 'Don't start that sh*t with me again. You're in my closet
now!'

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N.Z. farming

A young man graduated from University of New Zealand with a degree in
journalism.  His first assignment for the newspaper who hired him was to
write a human interest story.  Being from NZ, he went back to the bush to
do his research.  He went to an old farmer's house way back in the hills,
introduced himself to the farmer, and proceeded to explain to him why he
was there. The young man asked, "Has anything ever happened around here
that made you happy?"
The farmer thought for a minute and said, "Yep!  One time one of my
neighbour's sheep got lost.  We formed a search party and found it.  We all
rooted it and took it back home."
"I can't print that!" the young man exclaimed.  "Can you think of anything
else that happened that made you or a lot of other people happy?"
After another moment, the farmer said, "Yeah, one time my neighbour's
daughter, a good looking girl, got lost.  We formed a big search party that
time and found her.  After we all rooted her, we took her back home too."
Again, the young man said "I can't print that either.  Has anything ever
happened around here that made you sad?"
The old farmer dropped his head, looked up timidly at the young man and
said "I got lost once."

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Thoughts

1. My goal for 2016 was to lose just 10 pounds. Only 15 to go.

2. Ate salad for dinner. Mostly croutons & tomatoes. Really just one big
round crouton covered with tomato sauce. And cheese. FINE, it was a pizza.
I ate a pizza.

3. How to  prepare Tofu:
a.  Throw it in the trash
b.  Grill some meat

4. I just  did a week's worth of cardio after walking into a spider web.

5. I don't  mean to brag, but I finished my 14-day diet food in 3 hours and
20 minutes.

6. A recent study has found women who carry a little extra weight live
longer than  men who mention it.

7. Kids today don't know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to
walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.

8. Senility has been a smooth transition for me.

9. Remember back when we were kids and every time it was below zero out
they closed school? Me neither.

10. I may not be that funny or athletic or good looking or smart or
talented. I forgot where I was going with this.

11. I love being over 70. I learn something new every day and forget 5
others.

12. A thief broke into my house last night. He started searching for money
so I woke up and searched with him.

13. I think I'll just put an "Out of Order" sticker on my forehead and call
it a  day.

14. November 6, 2016 will be the end of Daylight Savings Time. Hope you
don't forget to set your bathroom scale back 10 pounds on Sat*rday night.

15. Just remember, once you're over the hill you begin to pick up speed.

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THE MAGIC BANK ACCOUNT-From Bear Bryant's Wallet

(You only need two tools in life - WD-40 and Duct Tape.

If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40.

If it  shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.)

The Magic Bank Account

Imagine that you had won the Following *PRIZE* in a contest:

Each morning your bank would deposit $86,400

In your private account for your use.

However, this prize has Rules:

The set of Rules:

1. Everything that you didn't spend during each day would be taken away
from you.

2. You may not simply transfer money into some other account.

3. You may only spend It.

4. Each morning upon awakening,

The bank opens your account with another $86,400 for that Day.

5. The bank can end the game without warning; at any time, it can say, Game
Over!" It can close the account

And you will not receive a new one.

What would you personally Do?

You would buy anything and Everything you wanted right? Not only for
yourself, but for all the people you love and care for. Even for people you
don't know, because you couldn't possibly spend it all on yourself, right?

You would try to spend every penny, and use it all, because you knew it
would be replenished in the morning, right?

ACTUALLY, This GAME is REAL
...

Shocked ???

YES!

Each of us is already a winner Of this *PRIZE*.

We just can't seem to see it.


The PRIZE is *TIME*

1. Each morning we awaken to Receive 86,400 seconds

As a gift of Life.

2. And when we go to sleep at Night, any remaining time

is Not credited to us.

3. What we haven't used up that Day is forever lost.

4. Yesterday is forever Gone.

5. Each morning the account is Refilled, but the bank can dissolve your
account at any time WITHOUT WARNING...

SO, what will YOU do with your 86,400 seconds?

Those seconds are worth so much More than the same amount in dollars. 
Think about it and remember to Enjoy every second of your life,
because time races by so much quicker than You think.

So take care of yourself, be Happy, love deeply and enjoy life!

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Lost purse

I saw a woman drop her purse in the high street this morning, so I quickly
followed her.
As I was just about to tap her on the shoulder she started running for a
bus.
So I ran after her shouting, "You dropped your purse! You dropped your
purse!"
She didn't hear me and proceeded to get onto the bus, so I got on the bus
too.
As I walked to the back of the bus I breathlessly said, "You dropped your
purse on the floor outside McDonald's."
"Thank you so much" she said, "Where is it?"
I said, "I've just told you, on the floor outside McDonald's."

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Austyralians arn't racist

Two black fellas see a sign saying, "Make yourself white, $10".
"Lets do it", says Murray.
"All we have is a $20 note though," says Albert.
"Right, you go first Albert, & when you get the change, I'll go in".
So Albert heads off & comes back two minutes later, all nice & white.
"Wow look at you mate, all flash looking eh! Give me the other tenner
then".
Albert says, "Get stuffed you black pr*ck".

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TELEPHONE SURVEY

Last month, a world-wide telephone survey was conducted by the UN.

The only question asked was:

"Would you please give your honest opinion about possible solutions to the
food shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a complete failure because:

In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.

In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.

In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.

In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.

In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.

In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.

In the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.

And in Australia , New Zealand, Canada and Britain everyone hung up as soon
as they heard the Indian accent.

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Good pill

I recently spent $1500 on a young registered Black Angus bull. I put him
out with the herd but he just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow.
I was beginning to think I had paid more for that bull than he was worth.
Anyhow, I had the Vet come and have a look at him. He said the bull was
very healthy, but possibly just a little young,
so he gave me some pills to feed him once per day.
The bull started to service the cows within two days, all my cows!
He even broke through the fence and bred with all of my neighbor's cows!
He's like a machine! I don't know what was in the pills the Vet gave him
.........
but they kind of taste like peppermint!!..

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RECTUM STRETCHER
While she was "flying" down the road yesterday, a woman passed over a
bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait.
The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic
patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's your hurry?"
To which she replied, "I'm late for work."
"Oh yeah," said the cop, "What do you do?"
"I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded.
The cop stammered, "A what????"
"A rectum stretcher!"
"And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"
"Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger in the rectum, then work
my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in
I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly
but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet."
"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot as*hole?" he asked
"You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge."

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Beer and the Wheel

The two most important events in all of history, were the invention of
beer, and the invention of the wheel.

Beer required grain, and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the
glass bottle nor aluminium can were invented yet, so while our early humans
were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close
to the brewery. That's how villages were formed. The wheel was invented to
get man to the beer, and vice versa. These two were the foundation of
modern civilization, and together were the catalyst for the splitting of
humanity, into two distinct subgroups:

1. Labor

2. Liberal

Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to BBQ at night,
while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as
the Labor movement.

Other men who were less skilled at hunting called Vegetarians, which was an
early human word meaning Bad Hunters, learned to live off the Labor
Movement, by showing up for the nightly BBQ's, and doing the sewing,
fetching, and hairdressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal Movement.

Some of these liberal men evolved into women. Others became known as
girlie-men. Some noteworthy Liberal achievements include the domestication
of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the concept of
democratic voting, to decide how to divide the meat and beer, that the
Labor Movement provided.

Over the years the Labor Movement came to be symbolized by the largest,
most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized
by the dingo, for obvious reasons.

Modern Liberals like lite beer, but most prefer white wine, or imported
bottled water. They eat raw fish. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard
liberal fare. Liberal women have higher testosterone levels than their men.

Most college professors, social workers, personal injury attorneys,
journalists, film makers, group therapists, and community organizers are
liberals. Liberals meddled in our national pastime, and invented the
Cricket Box. Strong he-men from the Labor Movement, still take their
chances, and prefer to play without one, but they do drink full-strength
beer, eat red meat, and still provide for their women.

The Labor Movement is full of members of the military, big game hunters,
rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors,
police officers, engineers, corporate executives, athletes, airline pilots,
and generally anyone who works productively.

Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers, and
decide what to do with the production. Liberals crept into Australia, after
the aborigines were tamed, and created the business of trying to get more
for nothing.

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IS Volunteers!
 Click here

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The games we play
 Click here

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One Sunday morning ...
 Click here Click here

One Sunday morning, a priest decided to do something a little different.
He said 'Today,  in church, I am going to say a single word and you are
going to help me preach.  Whatever single word I say,  I want you to sing
whatever hymn that comes to your mind --  the pastor shouted out 'CROSS.'

Immediately the congregation started singing in unison,
'THE OLD RUGGED CROSS..'

The pastor hollered out 'GRACE.'
The congregation began to sing 'AMAZING GRACE, how sweet the sound.'

The pastor said 'POWER.'
The congregation sang 'THERE IS POWER IN THE BLOOD.'

The Pastor said 'S*X'
The congregation fell into total silence.

Everyone was in shock.
They all nervously began to look around at each other afraid to say
anything.

Then all of a sudden, way from in the back of the church, a little old 87
year old grandmother stood up and began to sing 'MEMORIES.'

Pass this along and make someone smile today (I just did).
Gotta Love Little Old Ladies.

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Scientific Fact About Cleavage
 Click here

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Breeding Bulls
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

My wife and I went to the Royal Agricultural Show and one of the first
exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went up to the first pen
and there was a sign attached that said.....

'THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR '

My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs ....Smiled and said, 'He mated 50
times last year, that's almost once a week.'

We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said,

'THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR'

My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, 'WOW~~That's almost 3 times a week
! .........You could learn a lot from him.'

We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said,
In capital letters,

'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR'

My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said,
'That's once a day. You could REALLY learn something from this one.'

I looked at her and said,
'Go over and ask him if it was with the same cow...'

My condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and I should
eventually make a full recovery.

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Parcel Lockers
 Click here

I didn't know Australia Post offered this service (and it's free)
 Click here

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MV Danica Joy
 Click here Click here

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Defence Force Briefing
 Click here

Defence Force Briefing

An officer was conducting a briefing one day, for various service members,
and he posed the question:

"What would you do if you found a scorpion in your tent?"

The sailor stood up, and said: "I would step on it, Sir."

The soldier stood up, and said, "I would shoot it, Sir."

The commando stood up, and said, "I would catch it, break the stinger off,
and eat it, Sir."

The airman stood up, and said, "I would call room service, and ask why
there's a tent in my room, Sir."

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Links & Photos
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

Guardian Angel
 Click here

Akbar the Skateboarder
 Click here

TV's Murder Network
 Click here

Crusoe goes Golfing (I think he cheated)
 Click here

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Don't Catch a Tourist Boat in Thailand
 Click here

An overcrowded tourist boat, was being piloted recklessly, before it
capsized, killing at least 15 Thai people, officials said, as divers and
other rescuers searched for 11 people still missing. The accident happened
on Sunday, 18th September, on the Chao Phraya River in Ayutthaya, 80 km
north of the Thai capital of Bangkok. The double-decker tourist boat which
was carrying 103 passengers, tried to overtake a sand barge, and ran into a
barrier, police said, causing the boat to capsize. Eleven people are still
missing, and police divers have resumed their search. The boat was carrying
twice it's legal capacity, of 50 passengers. The boat's driver was charged
with reckless driving causing loss of life, and overloading the boat beyond
it's safety limit. The accident came as Thailand expects to welcome a
record 33 million visitors this year. Road and boat accidents involving
tourists are common in Thailand, where safety standards, are well below
international norms.

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Michael Stiver's Story
 Click here Click here

Michael Stivers had an interesting career. He was a professional wrestler,
who used the stage name "Pretty Boy Behning." He was also a police officer
for 13 years, but around 1990 he quit that profession to become a
hypnotist.

At first, he ran a pretty ordinary hypnotism business, using hypnotism to
help people lose weight, or quit smoking. But around 1991 he discovered a
unique way to specialize, and differentiate his practice. He became a
breast enlargement hypnotist.

His PR material explained: "The larger-breast style of self-hypnosis
relaxes the subject, then allows her to will an increased blood flow into
the fatty tissues of the breast, much like that during menstruation or
pregnancy. Daily conditioning through self-hypnosis, allows what amounts to
a permanent enhancement."

But according to a 1991 Associated Press  story, some patients had mixed
results:

A 58-year-old Tampa woman who wouldn't give her name, said her bust
measurement grew 3 inches, through hypnosis in April, but then shrank 1½
inches in May.

Stivers stayed in business until 1995.

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[ End friday humour ]

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