Friday humour - September 16, 2016

[from Steve at Bluehaze]

The current US Presidential Election Circus makes all the stuff below look
tame. I am SO glad I don't live there.

This weeks smattering arrives at the behest of Arfermo, Haz, KRP, Sack,
Seasoldier, Wally and Whizzbang.

Enjoy!

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Logic from an uncluttered Mind

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a
human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very
small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human;
it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, 'When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah'.
The teacher asked, 'What if Jonah went to hell?'
The little girl replied, 'Then you ask him'.

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they
were drawing.
She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what
the drawing was.
The girl replied, 'I'm drawing God.'
The teacher paused and said, 'But no one knows what God looks like.'
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied,
'They will in a minute.'

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five
and six year olds.
After explaining the commandment to 'honour' thy Father and thy Mother,
she asked, 'Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our
brothers and sisters?'
From the back, one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, 'Thou
shall not kill.'

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to
persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
'Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and
say,
'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, 'And there's the teacher,
she's dead.'

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to
make the matter clearer,
she said, 'Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would
run into it, and I would turn red in the face.'
'Yes,' the class said.
'Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position
the blood doesn't run into my feet?'
A little fellow shouted,'Cause your feet ain't empty.'

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school
for lunch.
At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note,
and posted on the apple tray:
'Take only ONE. God is watching.'
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a
large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, 'Take all you want. God is watching the
apples....'

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Rope trick
 Click here

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Brilliant blonde detective

Three blondes were all applying for the last available position on the
Texas Highway Patrol.
The detective conducting the interview opened a file drawer, and pulled out
a picture.
He then said, "To be a detective you must be able to notice things such as
distinguishing features and oddities like scars and so forth." So he stuck
the photo in the face of the first blonde for two seconds.
"Now," he said, "did you notice any distinguishing features about this
man?"
The blonde immediately said, "Yes, I did. He has only one eye!"
The detective shook his head and said, "Of course he has only one eye in
this picture! It's a (side) profile of his face! You're dismissed!"
He then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her face for two
seconds, and said,
"Do you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?"
"Yes! He has only one ear!"
The detective exclaimed, "Didn't you hear what I just told the other lady?
This is a profile of the man's face! Of course you can only see one ear!
You're excused too!"
He then turned his attention to the last blonde and said,
"This is probably a waste of time, but..." He flashed the photo in her face
for a couple of seconds and asked "All right, did you notice anything
distinguishing or unusual about this man?"
The blonde said, "I sure did. "This man wears contact lenses."
The detective frowned, took another look at the picture, and began looking
at some of the papers in the folder.
He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said,
"You're absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts!
How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture?"
The blonde rolled her eyes and said,
"Well, Hellooooooooooooo....
With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses."

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Scottish Diplomacy

One thing about blokes from Scotland is that their hearts and humour are
always in the right place! Jimmy MacDonald, a City Councillor from Glasgow,
was asked on a local live radio talk show, just what he thought about the
allegations of torture of suspected terrorists. His reply prompted his
ejection from the studio, but to thunderous applause from the audience.

HIS STATEMENT: 'If hooking up one rag-head terrorist's testicles to a car
battery gets the truth out of the lying little camel shagger to save just
one Scottish soldier's life, then I have only three things to say; Red is
positive, Black is negative and make sure his nuts are wet.'

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NO BBQ TONIGHT
 Click here
Unbelievable!! Don't even wonder what other meat he's got down there?

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Fwd: Trump-ed!
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

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Street Light Maintenance Vehicle 1926
 Click here Click here
Ford Model T street-light maintenance vehicle ca. 1926;
Note especially the absence of outriggers; it must have swayed a great
deal.

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Painted Stairs
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here

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Why she mows my lawn
 Click here

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Videos & Photos
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

How Will You Die?
 Click here

116 Chinese Excavators
 Click here

Who Would Win? (China vs USA)
 Click here

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Recycled Iconic Cars
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here

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North Korea Photos
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here

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MV Saffet Bey
 Click here
The Turkish cargo ship MV Saffet Bey ran hard aground, at a full speed of
16 knots, at 11.30pm Sat*rday, 3rd September, on the west side of Lakonias,
Greece. The grounding caused a deafening noise, that woke nearby residents.
22 crew members were aboard at the time, but no reports of injury or oil
are reported. The amount of hull damage is unknown. The cause of the
incident is also unknown, but the AIS track suggests she missed a turn
while rounding the southern Greek island of Kythira. The MV Saffet Bey has
a deadweight of 14107 tonnes, a length of 537ft (163.81metres), and was
built in 1987.

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Marries a Goat, a Dog, & a Tree
 Click here Click here Click here

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THE PIZZA
 Click here
The only trouble is that these people breed and this one is not a blonde

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      Ah-the-eah the-eah That's All (for this week) Folks!


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[ End friday humour ]

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